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filed under: Samantha Ronson

June 10, 2009

Lindsay Lohan Shows Snatch; Snatches Sam Back

lindsay_lohan_upskirt_car_1.jpgWe have not read The Rules or He's Just Not That Into You or The Game or Captain Underpants and the Wrath of the Wicked Wedgie Woman but we still know that traveling across an ocean to show up at a party your ex will be attending is bad form. However, maybe this bit of dating etiquette is null and void when it comes to bicurious celebrities and their volatile girl-girl relationships, because Lindsay Lohan jetted off to London last week to meet up with ex Samantha Ronson and would you just look what she Twittered Monday:
“Leaving London but but with my favorite favorite!!! - travel buddy & great news to share!! Maybe….”
They left London together and Lindsay went straight to Sam's house with a diamond ring on her left hand. And speaking of things that fit nicely around a finger, after the cut, see what happened when Lilo was exiting a car in London, legs akimbo. NSFW. more »
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May 21, 2009

CNW Junk Drawer: Cannes You Dig It

angelina_jolie_sexy_dress.jpg• Brad's all, "C'mon, Angelina, we have to get to Cannes" and she's all, "Hold up, Brad, I gotta show the paps a little more of where Shilohs come from." (Yeeeah!)

Maria Bello. Topless. Tied to a bed. Believe it. (Nudography)

• And speaking of Maria Bello, did you know that she was from the greater Philadelphia area? Isn't that fascinating? Yeah! And it just so happens that Mr Skin has a Top 10 Sexiest Babes from Philly list out now! (Mr Skin)

Adriana Lima's nipples in a gilded cage of a bra. (Drunken Stepfather)

Rihanna's got a brand new, hopefully much less punchy, beau. (Amy Grindhouse)

Lady Gaga learns a sobering lesson. Bleached hair and skimpy white clothing with lots of jewelry makes folks think you're a Russian prostitute. (Faded Youth)

Cameron Diaz has strict "if it's yellow, let it mellow" rules. (Daily Stab)

Britney Spears in a bikini on the beach. No, you can go look. It's nice! Seriously. Hey, hey. Look at us. Look. It's okay. It's okay. Really. Shhhh. (The Blemish)

• Is Lindsay Lohan getting her poon chewn by Sam again? (Holy Moly)

Hayden Panettiere's tattoo is spelled wrong. LOLOLOLOLOL. LOLOLOL forever. (Flisted)

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April 08, 2009

"Come at Me, Bitch"

lindsaylohanusweekly.jpgNormally, the idea of a fallen star resorting to selling her story to a tabloid would make us chuckle like Grandpa after we pulled his finger, but this is so pathetic that we feel bad. Which was the aim, so cheers, fallen firecrotch Lindsay Lohan, you've earned our sympathy. Well, maybe "sympathy" isn't the word. "Arms-length condolences and a slightly squirmy feeling" covers it though. After confirming her breakup with human hat stand Samantha Ronson, Lindsay ran to US Weekly and sung like a stoolie for a cover story. Some highlights:
In the newest issue of Us Weekly, Lindsay Lohan opens up about her heartbreaking split from Samantha Ronson, the "humiliating" weekend showdown with Ronson's family, and says that friends' fears she is suicidal are unfounded.

"It's absolute hell," Lohan told Us on Monday in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls and emails where she was agitated, crying and baffled by the turn of events.

Ronson broke it off with her girlfriend of nearly two years last Friday, and hired five security guards to keep Lohan out of an afterparty for her sister Charlotte at the Chateau Marmont. (Lohan was staying directly one floor above the Ronsons with her mom Dina and sister Ali.)

The next day, Ronson changed the locks on the Hollywood Hills home she shared with Lohan. On Monday, Ronson's mom and sister asked police about obtaining a restraining order against Lohan, Beverly Hills Sgt. Nutall confirms to Us.

Lohan says she's "so alone" without Ronson. "Everyone's turned on me," says the actress. She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said "Uck," and Drea De Matteo said, "Come at me, bitch."
To be fair, Nicole Richie finds Joel Madden attractive enough to accept his unsheathed penis into her cadaverous body, so anyone she deems "uck"-worthy can take that as a compliment. On the other hand, you don't fuck with the Drea under any circumstances. Unless you want to find yourself strapped to the roof of Shooter Jennings's El Camino, an acrylic nail tip embedded in your eyeball.
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April 06, 2009

Sam Ronson: Cheater, Cheater, Poonkin Eater

lindsay-lohan-with-bags.jpg Twitter is good for a lot of things. Learning to restrain your wordiness. Pretending you are friends with people you have never spoken to, like Solange Knowles (who did not bleach her baby). Gems like this from Snoop Dogg: inside peanut butter outside jello..hellllooowww ....twizzles hooow u doiiin?? (actual tweet). But really, its best use is following the minutia of whiny celebs who think they know how to enable privacy settings (but forget to tell their girlfriends to do the same). This is how we found out that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson were in another fight. And Sam might be cheating on Lindsay and doing drugs. Scandal! A sampling of Lindsay's weekend tweets (directed at Sam, then Lily Allen):
@jackdaniels9 I was right all along. Cheat
about 21 hours ago from TwitterBerry

@jackdaniels9 being cheated on does wonders to you
about 10 hours ago from web

@jackdaniels PLEASE leave me ALONE. and stop staying in the room below me, you’ve woken me and my mother up. go to bed. keep cheating u win
about 10 hours ago from web

@jackdaniels9 look, im doing this publicly because u&ur friends call people mag..so-you win, you broke my heart. now go away. i loved you
about 10 hours ago from web

@jackdaniels9 please go away. & go to bed. u work hard, & u need some rest. those around u are clearly negative influences. miss u.be wellxx
about 9 hours ago from web in reply to jackdaniels9

@jackdaniels9 ask ur sister 2 stop yelling profanity plz;;stop doing drugs. and tell charlotte to do more-she could loose a stone or 10.
about 9 hours ago from web in reply to jackdaniels9

@lilyroseallen OMG WOMAN! CAWLLLL MEEEEEEEE im meeting you in san fran babydoll
about 2 hours ago from web in reply to lilyroseallen

@lilyroseallen oy dafty fella ring me on my cellular woman. d message me for the new digiez
about 1 hour ago from web in reply to lilyroseallen

@jackdaniels9 oh- it’s like this? fine. Byebye
about 1 hour ago from web in reply to jackdaniels9
But that's not all! Before the Tweet mania, Lindsay was denied entry to a Ronson family party on Friday night, where she was restrained by five security guards. Five presumably large men. Against Lindsay. Who probably weighs about 101 pounds, and a couple of those pounds are the vodka bottle hidden in her pant leg. Then on Saturday, Sam had the locks on their house changed. We have never seen anything like this before. The unabashed fame whore drops her famous girlfriend? Who's she cheating with who could top Lindsay? Octomom?
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March 23, 2009

Lindsay Lohan's Job: Spending Sam Ronson's Money

lindsay-lohan-samantha-ronson-eat-lunch.jpg Have you wondered how Lindsay Lohan has maintained her lavish lifestyle despite the fact that she hasn't worked since the Eisenhower administration? Easy: She's just spending her girlfriend's cash. Says the New York Daily News:
Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are like any other couple: Their domestic squabbles are mainly over money.

According to friends of the two, Lindsay’s overspending is out of control, and it’s putting additional strain on the ladies’ already volatile relationship.

“Lindsay is spending like crazy!” a friend of the actress tells us. “She’s living on credit right now. She has no cash. The problem is, the money being spent is mostly Sam’s because Lindsay doesn’t really have any of her own at the moment; she’s really taken on the ‘man’ role in their romance. Sam really thinks Lindsay needs to learn how to become a recessionista and manage her money better.”

A second pal agrees. “Lindsay’s money situation has never been great, but it’s only gotten worse over the last month. For every dollar she makes, she spends double. Her personal appearance fees are literally the only thing keeping her afloat. But here’s the rub: Because of her explosive relationship with Sam, she’s unable to get the type of cash she’s used to. The negative press and constant appearance cancellations are hurting her pocketbook.”

Recent extravagant purchases the starlet has made include a $30K Rolex watch and a new Maserati, a glam ride which usually costs upward of $100K.
There's some complicated shit going on here. Sam is only raking in the cash because club promoters know she'll bring Lindsay along. But if Lindsay doesn't work and lives off of Sam's money, that cash will diminish as Lindsay's fame diminishes, which will happen the longer she stays off the screen. Got that? With this cycle, before long Sam will be spinning for a handful of beer tickets at your local Coyote Ugly, then Lindsay will trade the drink tickets for a gift card to Walmart.
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March 16, 2009

Lohan Angry! Lohan Smash! Lohan Tweet! Lohan Go to Jail!

Lilo_druggie.jpgWe're sure this was an epic weekend for you. We're betting you upchucked at least twice, cried once, made some regrettable Twitter updates while intoxicated, and fought bitterly with your significant other. Funny, demi-lesbian Lindsay Lohan had the exact same weekend. The only difference between yours and hers is that she wasn't wearing some sort of green plastic accoutrement that may or may not have included tiny blinking lights. In the last three days, she had a warrant issued for her arrest, she Tweeted up a firecrotch firestorm about her tumultuous clam-shucking romance with Samantha Ronson, and cops were called after she and Sam busted out a window. Phew. This calls for bullet points.

• An arrest warrant was issued Friday night, and there's a court hearing being held as we speak. TMZ says:
We know exactly why Lindsay Lohan is being hauled into court Monday and it's no big deal -- probably.

Lindsay was in an alcohol ed program for more than a year and was in full compliance with her probation. Sources say not too long ago she decided to switch programs. She either was late or missed one of the classes at the new program -- she says because the paparazzi made it impossible for her to show up on schedule. So the program director sounded the alarm last week to the court. And that's why the judge issued a warrant.


People adds:
Lohan’s latest legal woe followed a night of partying that included a bizarre late-night visit to the Hollywood home of actor Jack Nicholson. Around 1:45 a.m. [on Saturday], Lohan showed up outside actor Nicholson’s house on Mulholland Drive. The group was eventually let in, and Lohan remained inside until a bodyguard picked her up about 4:30 a.m.


• What better way to express frustration with your bicurious romance than to Tweet the shit out of it? Gawker has caps from Lohan's private Twitter:
"should you end it if the one person in the world fails to love, hold/comfort, apologize, and CHERISH you the night before jail? LIARS R COWARDS cuz they don't know what they got til it is far gone. and people-if you fucking love someone. PUT UR PRIDE A-fucking-SIDE AND JUST LOVE THEM BACK! do not ever dj before calling if they ARE FUCKING ABOUT TO GET ARRESTED FOR CHASING YOU TO MAKE YOU STAY"


• However, Twooting her heart out didn't help matters, and Lilo and Sam fought so hard they done busted a window. People, again:
Lohan’s bodyguard then brought her to Sam Ronson’s house, where Ronson showed up at around 11:30 a.m. Later in the day, a loud disturbance was heard at the house, including the breaking [of a] window. Police cars arrived at the house shortly afterward.


At this point we're wondering how Lindsay Lohan can stand and walk and talk and function after such a bender. Just reading that summary had us reaching for the Alka-Seltzer and the ice pack. It's as if she is a new breed of alien celebrity sent to earth to destroy us. Through Red Bull fueled cooter-licking. Our Earth weapons are powerless against her tolerance for stimulants and taste for gonads.
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March 11, 2009

Lindsay: Sam n' Tan

lindsay_lohan_tan.jpg We've not heard much from Lindsay Lohan and jaunty hat stand/lesbian girlfriend Samantha Ronson lately. We assume that's because we thought they broke up. But no, they were just having a love spat, and they had another lulu the other night. For the full scoop, let's turn to our own personal gossip blackjack dealer, Female First:
Lindsay Lohan was abandoned by girlfriend Samantha Ronson in Las Vegas. The 'Mean Girls' actress had planned to surprise her DJ lover with a romantic night in a hotel after she finished her set at Prive nightclub but was enraged when Samantha left the club without her.

She reportedly screamed: "I can't believe that fucking bitch left me!"

After driving from their home in Los Angeles earlier that evening, Samantha had planned to go to the club alone and was believed to be furious when Lindsay showed up at 1am.

A source said: "The two started to argue and hide in the DJ booth. While she was in the booth, Lindsay ducked down, popped up a few seconds later, and began dancing wildly."

Following her set, 31-year-old Samantha left the club at 3am and got into her Porsche. She drove alone as 22-year-old Lindsay looked on from the roadside. Evidently outraged, Lindsay jumped into her black Mercedes and sped off in the direction of her girlfriend's vehicle.

A photographer said: "I'm sure the girls drove back to Los Angeles. Lindsay definitely appeared to be messed up on something, that's for sure. I've covered Lindsay for years and this is almost the worst I've ever seen her, it looks like her life is spinning out of control."
In less completely depressing news, Lindsay's line of leggings proved to be so popular that she's come out with a new product that will coat your legs in a neon color. Tan in a can! Her line of spray tan, Sevin Nyne, launches soon, and Lilo told People: “As much as I love the sun, it is so bad for your skin. I have tried every product on the market and never found something that I loved. It was important to me to have a natural product that didn’t have a lot of dyes and chemicals. Our product has goji berry extract which has antioxidant properties, it has a natural golden color, it doesn’t streak and smells delicious — not like a typical tanning product.” Because if there's one person destined to be the face of a healthy sun-kissed glow, it's an anorexic freckled redheaded night dweller.
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January 08, 2009

CNW Junk Drawer: Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa

mischa_barton__stoned_bikini.jpgMischa Barton, beach, bikini, weed, hipster halo. (Drunken Stepfather)

Lisa Bonet named her newborn son Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. It's the thing to say on a bright Hawaiian Christmas day. (Dlisted)

• People's Choice Awards winners. Though you already know them because they're YOUR CHOICE. (CelebWarship)

• 16-year-old Miley Cyrus wants a tattoo of her boyfriend's initials. No, no, Miley. Not until you get your zodiac sign and the kanji symbol for "strength". (Yeeeah!)

Anne Hathaway reveals what got her through the hard times. Anal sex! Wait, no. (Daily Stab)

• Why don't you go look at ladies wearing football jerseys? It's not as if you have anything better to do, you lazy sack of puke. (Holy Taco)

• Uppity Jessica Alba lost the sour for New Year's Eve, thanks in part to her buddy Booze. (Cityrag)

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson split rumor #56b. (The Blemish)

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January 05, 2009

Lilo-SamRo Lesbo Fight-O

lilo_samro_lesbo_fighto.jpgLook how happy rumored lesbian Lindsay Lohan looks on New Year's Eve. A pretty new frock, a fresh coat of canned tan, and her best gal Samantha Ronson on her arm. Unfortunately, mere moments after this shot was snapped, the two exploded into a cacophony of flying strawberry weave, scratching fingernails, and kicky fedoras. The New York Post says:
On New Year's Eve, the couple went nuclear and started screaming at each other while hosting a party at Mansion. The fight spilled out into an alley behind the club, where Lohan screeched at Ronson, "When I storm off, you are supposed to follow me!" Our spy said, "It was a really gross alley. There was a bum eating a sandwich watching the whole thing. Lindsay was really unstable and flipping out." After Lohan and Ronson went back to the hotel, several sources heard crashing sounds and screaming coming from their room until the fight spilled out into the hallways at about 11 a.m. "They were punching each other - it was bad," a spy said. "And they were doing this in front of all of us. It was scary." At one point, Lohan dropped to her knees and cried, "Why are you doing this to me?" And Sam just said, "I don't know you." Eventually hotel security was called and photos were taken of the girls' "trashed" room. "Mirrors were broken and it was a complete mess," another spy said.
"Why are you doing this to me" and "I don't know you" are akin to the "You're tearing me apahhht, Kira! This is more real than anything!' fight between David and the production lady on Real World Seattle. Ah, nothing like the sweet sound of teen angst one-liners being shouted over a bum munching on a tin can sandwich.

Oh, and here's a video.

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November 26, 2008

Lindsay Lohan Gets BUSTed Guzzling Booze and Nuzzling Cooze

lindsay_lohan_drinking_club_1.jpgAs we all know, Lindsay Lohan is a sober non-lesbian. The kind of sober non-lesbian who chugs vodka and frenches her girlfriend on video. She's so delightfully complex! We're in vacation mode with visions of brined bird on the brain, so we'll let Inside Edition take over and tell the tale.



OK, so technically YES, the girl with the substance abuse problem is falling off the wagon here, but let's focus on more important things. Like the fact that she's also kissing a lady, and her breasts look exquisite. We're pretty sure Lindsay could burn down an orphanage and the judge would be like, "Ms. Lohan, you did send 300 innocent children to an unspeakably painful death, but by God, your rack is sublime. I'll let you off with a warning. Just don't do it again, young lady. Unless you do it in a wet T-shirt."
more »
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November 20, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Rip Off Them Spanx

eva_longoria_spanx.jpgEva Longoria upskirts; shows off some sizzling shapewear from the Sears "Silver Fox" foundation garment collection. (Yeeeah!)

• A plane carrying Winona Ryder was forced to make an emergency landing, presumably because she was all zorked out on goofballs. (Yeeeah!)

• Homoeroticism on the Twilight set. Rawr! (Hollywire)

• Despite her unending, ultra-desirable heat, Megan Fox is still planning to marry David Silver. (Daily Stab)

Anne Hathaway has a new boyfriend, and he's apparently as big a loser moocher as the one that's in jail. (Anything Hollywood)

• Aw. Someone for everyone. (Holy Taco)

• Supermodel Karolina Kurkova has no navel. Like Kyle XY. (Flisted)

• Girl meets girl. Girl gets girl. Girl flirts with boy at club. Girl on girl catfight ensues. It's another day in the tangled, demi-gay web of Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. (The Blemish)

• The top ten naked babes with guns. (Mr Skin)

• Spitzer prostitute Ashley Dupre is just like you and me, except for the money for sex part. (Fatback)

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November 17, 2008

A Side of Lohan, Covered In a Delicate Breading

lindsay_lohan_flour_x17.jpgAnti-fur activists usually throw ketchup, don't they? Well, it seems that when Lindsay Lohan in involved, they throw flour. Mix 'em together and you have a fetching pinkish paste that can be used to wrangle and glue runaway boobs into low-cut dresses. Or as denture paste. CelebWarship lays it down:
Lindsay Lohan received an unwelcomed surprise while partying in Paris on Saturday: a bag of flour poured over head. An animal rights activist became enraged after spotting Lindsay leaving a nightclub while wearing a black fur stole. As Samantha Ronson looked on, the activist dumped a bag over flour over Lindsay’s head while shouting “fur hag!”

PETA might have been pleased with the flour-dumping, but Samantha was pissed. The DJ chastised the activist via her Myspace blog.

“I’m pissed at the bag of flour thrown on Lindsay last night. Not because I got powdered down, but because the girl who threw it acted like an animal herself. I take that back, it’s an insult to animals to group her in with them, my dog is FAR more civilized than that person. I think there are plenty of families that could have used that flour for a meal. Nice job, lady.”
Sam should relax. Being doused in a giant bag of white powder is Lindsay's ultimate dream come true.

(Pic via X17) more »
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October 22, 2008

Lindsay Trades Girl Who Looks Like Boy for Boy Who Looks Like Girl

lindsay_lohan_point_finger.jpg Is it just us, or has Lindsay Lohan gotten boring since she started licking clam? We were really hoping that the LiLo/SamRo thing would be a bit more like the Ellen/Anne Heche thing (because you just know that Lindsay will get bored and go back to dick, and there's a good chance that she'll lose her mind and wander through the desert searching for a spaceship before that). But today Linds is putting a little effort into keeping our attention. She's on the hunt for some man cunt and getting sued. The Mirror claims that Lindsay wants a piece of Gossip Girl pretty boy Chace Crawford:
After meeting him at the Diesel XXX Rock party in New York, the pair swapped numbers – and she has been calling him up to four times a day ever since.

Our party mole says: “Lindsay took a real shine to Chace and was pretty much throwing herself at him all night.

“She was standing in such a way that some part of her body was always touching him – at one point hip to hip.

“She was also giving him the filthiest looks, whispering in his ear, and turning everything he said into an innuendo.

“Everyone on the set of Gossip Girl has been teasing him mercilessly as Lindsay has been calling him three or four times a day and sending provocative text messages. Although she may just be having a laugh and not have any serious amorous intentions, everyone reckons Sam will go mad when she finds out.“

As a result Chace has been advised to stay well away from Lindsay and give the couple a very wide berth.”
Oh, honey, we don't think you understand what gay means. Gay girls like other gay girls, not gay boys.

And if that's not enough excitement for you, how about a little lawsuit? Everybody loves getting sued! Reports People:
Lindsay Lohan is being sued by three men in an SUV she drove during a car chase leading to her second DUI arrest last year.

The actress was "angry and aggressive" and the men "felt surprise, shock, fear and panic at Lohan's surprising and sudden act" of allegedly commandeering a car in which they happened to be sitting to chase her personal assistant through the streets of Santa Monica, according to the lawsuit.

The plaintiffs – Ronnie Blake, Jakon Sutter and Dante Nigro – are seeking unspecified damages in the case, filed in Superior Court in Santa Monica.

Although nobody was physically injured, their suit describes a wild, traumatic ride with Lohan allegedly angry and intoxicated as she went after the other car following a party.

"Dante and Jakon continued to implore Lohan to slow down, stating specifically that she was endangering all of their lives and that they could be killed," the lawsuit says. "Lohan refused to slow or stop, but instead responded with abusive cursing and vulgar language, including a statement that she did not care about the risk of death."

The lawsuit adds: "She also stated that because she was a celebrity she could do whatever she wants."
Wait a minute. Hold up here. Let us get this straight. Chace Crawford? Car chase? Chace, chase? What are you trying to tell us here, Lindsay? Are you planning a career change? The next time we stop by our local Chase bank will we see a plaque on a desk with the name Lindsay Lohan on it? Will you be assisting us in opening a money market account? Because, truthfully, that might be a good move at this point. more »
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October 02, 2008

Lindsay Lohan Admits She's Bi. Bi-KINI, That Is!

lilo_mexico_bikini_10.jpgYesterday was Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson's final day of their wet hot Mexican summer vacation in Los Cabos. Though what we're really interested in here is Los Yabbos. The big, bouncy ones straining under the wet black Lycra of Lilo's bikini. Look at all the fun she and Sam are having. Holding hands, splashing in the surf, giggling. You'd think they were a couple of 5-year-olds building sand castles at Virginia Beach, were it not for the cunnilingus and all.




lilo_mexico_bikini_11.jpg lilo_mexico_bikini_12.jpg lilo_mexico_bikini_13.jpg lilo_mexico_bikini_14.jpg lilo_mexico_bikini_15.jpg
more »
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October 01, 2008

Lohan and Ronson in Bikinis, on the Butch Beach

lohan_ronson_beach-1.jpgThe highly pneumatic, slightly asthmatic Lindsay Lohan hit the beach yesterday with her eatalotapuss gal pal, the butchily fetching Sam Ronson. Two girls, two bikinis, and the salty, slightly seafood-y scent of the ocean air . . . ah, truly the stuff of a Sappho poem. Minus the cigarettes and popsicles. For two girls who prefer the touch and taste of dames, these two certainly like to shove phallus-shaped implements into their mouths. Then again, when was the last time you found a frozen treat that looked like a pussy? Oh yeah, the Fat Frog.



lohan_ronson_beach_2.jpg lohan_ronson_beach_3.jpg lohan_ronson_beach_4.jpg
more »
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September 24, 2008

Lohan's Dad Finds Sam "Disgusting"

lilo_samro_lesbo_cute.jpgWhen Michael Lohan was a toddler, he threw temper tantrums to get attention. When he was a child, he threw Lincoln Logs. When he was an adult, he threw shoes at his brother-in-law's head over a family meal, resulting in jail time. And now that he's the father of a very famous young lady, he's throwing barbs at his child Lindsay and her Sapphic sylph Samantha Ronson. Page Six scoops the poop:
Lindsay Lohan wants her father to just shut up - especially since Michael Lohan furiously scratched an e-mail to X17online the other day, calling Lohan's girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, "dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity."

In the e-mail posted on Sunday, Michael wrote, "I don't believe that the recent blogs posted by 'Lindsay' were written by her" and touted, "There is a lot more to Samantha than meets the eye. Not that what we see is so pleasing anyway . . . what's with this 'person?' Look at the way she 'dresses.'

But Lindsay is standing by her Sam, telling Page Six in an e-mail via her rep: "My father obviously needs to be on medication to control his moods. He is out of line and his words show how much anger he has, and it's dangerous and scary as it reminds me of how he treated my mother and I my whole childhood. He needs to be stopped. This is yet another reason why we aren't speaking.

"I am in a great place in life. I have overcome a lot and have been able to learn how to enjoy and appreciate my life in every way possible. I'm proud of myself for being able to make a change in the past year and a half.

"My past is behind me, and that's final. There's nothing more to be said. All the false accusations that people try to make are simply because there's no story when things are calm and good. But they might as well let it go because their lies don't affect me anymore. Samantha is not evil, I care for her very much and she's a wonderful girl. She loves me, as I do her."
Michael Lohan needs to update his put-downs because he's sounding terribly behind the times. "What is this 'person'" and "look at the way she 'dresses'"? Who under 83 talks like that? He sounds like Mark Metcalf in the "We're Not Gonna Take It" video. more »
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September 11, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Heroes Hottie Hayden Hoists Hoots

hayden_boobs_panettiere_touch.jpg• Tiny smurfling Hayden Panettiere hoists her wee hooters aloft. (Drunken Stepfather)

• L.A. dudes in bands, hold on to your wieners--Mischa Barton is now single. (Digital Spy)

Samantha Ronson announces that Lohan's boobs will become Mrs. and Mrs. Ronson soon. (The Blemish)

• Mr. Skin kicks off the Top 50 Sexiest TV Shows list! Will Mama's Family make the cut? (Mr. Skin)

Rachael Leigh Cook ("'memba her?" - TMZ) still looks adorable, especially in her bikini. (Fatback)

• Garbage girl Shirley Manson is a urinal. You heard us. (Cityrag)

Naomi Campbell plans to have babies. Great. Ever notice how a rattle is the exact length and weight of a Blackberry? (Derek Hail)

• Everybody wants Tina Fey or Megan Mullally to do a Sarah Palin impression. But Gina Gershon's got it covered, bikini and all. (Yeeeah!)

Josh Hartnett is the only man alive who plans on suing someone for saying he had hot sex in a library. Dork. (IDLYITW)

Anne Hathaway's scuzzo ex got sentenced to five years in the big house. And we just got sentenced to 10 minutes of masturbating to Anne naked in Havoc. Everyone wins! (CelebWarship)

• And he shall be forever called Fishdick. (Holy Taco)

Kanye Wested got arrested. (Bitten and Bound)

• VH1 is working on a new dating show starring Antonio Sabato Jr. You know who's going to be really excited about this? My sister, in 1991. (Seriously OMG WTF)

• Look! We made a list of the "Top 100 Hilarious and Addictive Celebrity Blogs". See, we're not as bad as everyone says. (The Love Coach)

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September 09, 2008

Lindsay Lohan Says, "Lookit These Babies!"

lindsay_lohan_side_boob_vmas.jpgAnother day, another rumor about Lindsay Lohan and her well-hatted lap licker, Samantha Ronson. Today, our gossip sperm donor, Female First, reports that the pair are so deliriously happy that they plan on raising a child together. A source said:
"Lindsay is in a very happy place at the moment. She's been having deep discussions about a baby. She wants a natural birth and has spoken to Sam about getting one of her ex-boyfriends to help out. They don’t want to adopt."
Well, 22 is actually 41 in Hollywood years, so she'd really better get on that. But we don't understand why Lindsay and Sam just don't draw a face on one of Lohan's gazongas and pretend it's an infant. It's warm and pink and chubby and cute. They can take turns holding it. It doesn't wake you up at 3 A.M., it doesn't cry, and it doesn't crap. And if they want to get really meta, Lindsay can press one against the other to "feed" it.

More Lindsay Lohan side boob from the VMAs (via Hollywood Tuna):

lindsay_lohan_side_boob_vmas_2.jpg lindsay_lohan_side_boob_vmas_3.jpg
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September 08, 2008

They Make Quite a Pair

lindsay_ronson_cleavage_peek.jpgSamantha is like, "I am so putting my dick between those later."
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August 28, 2008

MySpace Fiiiiiggggght!

lindsay_lohan-samantha-ronson.jpgIn the old days, people would settle arguments by having a pistol duel at dawn. Or falling upon one's own sword to preserve their honor. Or making like Justin Timberlake and having a dance-off. These days, lugers and the pachanga have been replaced by a bloody battle of words in an arena known by all. An arena called MySpace. Lindsay Lohan and her labe-loving lady friend, Samantha Ronson, both angrily sat behind the keyboard and bashed out responses to Papa Michael Lohan's trash talk of Sam. Lindsay wrote:
If you have something to say to me, say it to my face- that’s what i have believed my whole life- don’t be a coward and say it to others first, let alone all the media in the world- i think we know where the rest of this blog is going…

If you guessed it had to do with my father- then you guessed right! It really hurts, because i have tried- after all that my mother and siblings have gone through, i really tried to make things work- For the hope of having a father again-wanting things to change- even though people have said, some people will forever remain the same.

Having said that- the people were right, and he is yet to change- but this time, without his daughter by his side- He has become a public embaressment and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is).

Samantha has not and would never sell me out. Nor has my mother, who is wonderful.
Samantha also got charged up and wrote this on her blog:
i really don't want to say anything because i feel like he wins- he, being the man who is so desperate for attention that he goes to the media whenever possible- i know i am being used, i am just a pawn- easy to sacrifice in order to feed his addiction. I was angry when i first read his attack on me, but- for me- i believe that actions speak louder than words... so now i just pity him- i am not standing in his way- i am not the reason that he has no contact with his daughter- he is- his need to throw a tantrum for the whole world to hear is- i am not going to go into a play by play defense- i feel no need to publicly defend my role in lindsay's life- i'm just sorry that she likes me more than him. p.s. i'm not the one that is so lost that i need to use my relationship with lindsay to earn a living.... i am, always will and always have been here for her for her- not for anything else....so I think it's safe to say that there is not now and never will be a tell all..... written by me..... when does your book come out mr. lohan?
So what happens after a MySpace war of words? How does one take it to the next cyberlevel after a blog tar and feathering? Will Michael hack Sam's page and insert a picture of her with the words "STUPID! LAME! JERK!" in MS Paint and an arrow pointing to her head? Will Lindsay give his email address to Nigerian princes and Cialis salesmen? Or will they take their battle international and sign up for Orkut accounts? more »
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August 27, 2008

Papa Lohan Is Displeased

lindsay_lohan_hug_samro.jpgWe like to take the piss out of buxom firecrotch Lindsay Lohan and her hat stand lover, Samantha Ronson, but deep down we worship those crazy cha-cha chewers and harbor nothing but warm wishes. Someone who doesn't? Michael Lohan, Lindsay's Jesus-loving, press-fellating former jailbird dad. Pops told E! Online:
“I’m not happy. Ever since [Lindsay] got out of rehab and all these people came back into her life, things haven’t been right.

“People like Samantha Ronson don’t need to be around Lindsay. She shouldn’t be dragging Lindsay around nightclubs. Who was Samantha Ronson before Lindsay Lohan? She was nobody. She is using her for her own gain. All these people have inserted themselves into her life like parasites, and it’s not right. I’m done with them.”
And if there's anyone who wouldn't know a dang thing about using Lindsay Lohan's fame as a springboard for any sort of attention, it's Michael Lohan. However, rumor also has it that SamRo is writing a tell-all on her life with Lindsay. A source told E!:
"Samantha is certainly telling friends she's planning to write a book. It's supposed to be about her, allegedly. But come on, you know Lindsay will be all over that book. She's the only one people want to read about."
Sounds touching! Touching yourself. It will be like Chicken Soup for the Lesbian Soul. Or maybe Lickin' Goop from the Lesbian Hole. Hi-yooooo! more »
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August 25, 2008

Lohan. Ronson. Boobums.

lohan_see_through_ronson.jpgLook! It's Spy Vs. Spy. No, no, it's actually Lindsbian Lohan and her chuff-munching chum, Samantha Ronson, enjoying a stroll in Hollywood this weekend. What are they trying to say with those matching outfits? Sam is an angel and Lohan, with her past smelling of SUV crashes and Jared Leto's balls, is the bad guy? Or maybe it's some obscure gay lady "top/bottom" code, like when dudes at the leather bar put a purple handkerchief in their back pocket to signify forbidden anal pleasures? Actually, it's more likely another way for Lindsay to go braless and trot out that magnificent rack once again. Bouncing along, as if to say, "Not only are we attached to a famous female you won't likely meet, but said famous female has grown weary of your sex and now only allows the delicate hands of the fairer sex to cup these." Like a delectable, nipply carrot in front of our nose, they dangle. Taunting. Mocking.

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August 18, 2008

Lindsay Lohan Got Courtegay with Courtenay

lindsay_lesbian_kiss_lohan.jpgLindsay Lohan kissed a girl. And she liked it. Liked it so much that she went and kissed another. According to a mysterious source who blabbed to the UK's always-reliable News of the World, Lindsay definitely had a physical and emotional relationship with rich person's daughter/gay lady/present muff-bumper of Tila Tequila Courtenay Semel. The stoolie sang:
"Everyone thinks Samantha is Lindsay’s first lesbian love, but we were very passionate until her fear of being found out drove us apart,” Courtenay told the pal. “At the time she was terrified her career would be over if she revealed her sexual tendencies. But then Samantha came on to the scene and I was dropped.”

The source continues, “She met Lindsay in the summer of 2006 at a party in Malibu. From the start Lindsay was very confused about her feelings for Courtenay so did more and more drugs to stifle the sexual attraction she was experiencing. But eventually she just gave in and at every party they’d kiss and touch each other in the corner. It’s a miracle nobody found out. Both of them would do lines of cocaine in the toilets then head home and fall into bed together."
Ah, the old girl meets girl, girl stifles urges, girl does blow and chews other girl's cha-cha. Honestly, this could be a made-for-Lifetime movie starring Tina Yothers and Tracey Gold. more »
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August 15, 2008

Lindsay Lohan Misses Dick

lindsay_lohan_sam_ronson_scowl.jpg Lindsay Lohan is an addict. We knew it wouldn't be long before she fell. She can try and try, swear off the stuff and try to replace it, but she'll always come back to her first love. And of course we mean wiener. The girl loves her some cock. Reports OK! magazine (under the headline "Is Lindsay a Faux-mosexual?" Ho ho!):
Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson may be inseparable, but following weeks of arguments, friends tell OK! they fear that Linds will leave her DJ girlfriend — for a man.

Apparently LiLo has already been flirting with guys, and cracks are seem to be appearing in the relationship.

On August 5 at the Delano Hotel’s Florida Room, Lindsay, 22, cozied up to other men whenever Sam left her side.

“Lindsay was laughing and giggling with these guys,” an eyewitness tells OK!.

And earlier that day, guests at the Miami hotel witnessed the couple’s repeated clashes.

“Lindsay is the aggressive one in the relationship,” an insider tells OK!. “Sam tries to focus on Lindsay, but it’s never enough.” Another friend adds, “Lindsay has to be the center of attention, or she’ll flirt with other guys to make Sam jealous.”

But back in L.A. on Aug. 6, the pair were “hand in hand and very affectionate” at Crown Bar, and on Aug. 8, they partied for Sam’s birthday.

“The situation is between them,” Lindsay’s dad, Michael Lohan, tells OK!. “God tells us to love each other, and love doesn’t discriminate.”

But Lindsay’s friend says, “She’ll be with the next guy who catches her eye — she can’t help it!”
This was obviously inevitable. There's no way Lindsay can go the rest of her life without kneading some balls. Maybe she should give Anne Heche a call; she'd probably have some sage advice on how to best make the transition back to schlong lover. more »
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July 31, 2008

Sam Ronson Adorns Herself with Dicks

lindsay_lohan_samantha_ronson_penis_shirt.jpg That Sam Ronson, she's a smart girl. She knows that Lindsay Lohan was a big fan of dong before quitting the juice, so naturally she fears that her lady love will miss a nice fat dick and stray from her womanly arms. But obviously Sam is not willing to pump herself full of steroids and grow a wee peeny a la Chyna, so she came up with a better solution: put a bunch of dicks on her t-shirt to comfort Lindsay (click the pic for a closer view). And just so Linds doesn't see a penis and a vagina frolicking on cotton, Sam made sure that only dudes were enjoying the man meat on her tee. It's sort of like sitting Lindsay down and showing her diagrams of gay sex and explaining, "Penises are for boys to play with. Girls don't like penises. Girls like vaginas." more »
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July 30, 2008

Look Mom, No Hat!

lindsay_lohan_samantha_ronson_no_hat.jpg We're not sure how this is possible, but somehow Samantha Ronson ditching the ever-present chapeau makes her look more like Aaron Carter. Watch out, Linds, before Hilary Duff gets wind of the resemblance and comes back for her revenge.
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July 29, 2008

LiLo and SamRo Prefer the Back Exit

lindsay_lohan_samantha_ronson_crouch.jpg Not-so-secret lap lickers Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson recently had to scale a wall to escape from their hotel room. There's some sort of lesbian-sex metaphor in there somewhere, we just know it. Lindsay had to scale the walls of Sam's vadge to escape the confines of socially acceptable heterosexual love? No? Sam had to scale the heights of Lindsay's fame . . . ah screw it. They like chewing on each other's coochies, and they had to get out of a hotel room via the balcony, that's the story. Here's The New York Daily News's take:
The paparazzi waiting to snap Lindsay Lohan and gal pal Samantha Ronson in front of the Bowery Hotel Sunday night would've snagged the shot of a lifetime - if only they were in the back of the building.

After being locked in their room due to a malfunctioning door, the duo's only option for exit was out the balcony of their second-floor room and down the side wall.

"Thankfully, the busboys and wait staff were there to climb up and help the girls down," says our insider. "Lindsay and Sam were laughing hysterically. They thought it was the funniest thing ever."

Meanwhile, friends of LiLo were shocked at the actress' new BlackBerry messenger name: "LL <3s [hearts] samanhattan - I didn't get hit by a bike!!!" So did she get mowed down by a two-wheeler on Saturday, as had been reported, or not?

"When we asked her what actually happened, she clammed up," says a friend. "She did go to the hospital, but won't tell anyone why. It's really odd."

Lohan's rep didn't return our calls, while the Bowery Hotel declined to comment on "guests and their happenings."
Of course Lindsay didn't get rammed into by a bike. "Bike" is SamRo's code name for extra-large double-donged dildo. Even Lindsay can't handle that thing, and a trip to the emergency room was necessary. Case closed. more »
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July 24, 2008

Lindsay Lohan Is Up to Her Wrist in Ronson

lindsay_sam_lovers.jpgStraight couples generally exchange engagement or wedding rings as a token of their everlasting love. Gay marriage still isn't legal, so what are two lovestruck young lady-loving crack snackers to do when it comes to wearing matching jewelry? According to Lindsay Lohan and her jauntily behatted chick chum, Samantha Ronson, the answer lies in something called "the Infinity Bracelet". Does it have a secret compartment for dental dams? Reports Splash News:
Lindsay and Sam have been wearing matching Jules Smith Infinity Lock bracelets. "The bracelets represent their relationship -- they have each other on lockdown, and there's no one else who can open up the key to their hearts."
That's so weird because a few scant months ago, the lock on Lindsay's womanly safe was able to be picked by anyone with a bobby pin. Wait, did we say bobby pin? We meant penis. more »
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July 17, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Lisa, Kelly, or Jessie?

kelly_kapowski_mom_jeans.jpg• Mr. Skin takes to the streets of Chicago to find out which Saved by the Bell babe is the most wanted in the Windy City. (Mr. Skin)

Samantha Ronson blows a load all over Lindsay Lohan. Load, kiss, same thing. (Drunken Stepfather)

• If Tom Cruise had a comic book. (Holy Taco)

• Model Miranda Kerr dumps Orlando Bloom for Brandon "Firecrotch!" Davis. Trading a eunuch elf for Fat Elvis? That's kind of a lateral move. (Yeeeah!)

Sarah Jessica Parker gets her chin goober removed; now will only be mistaken for Lemmy Kilmeister 50% of the time. (Cityrag)

• Don't tase me, (Josh) bro(lin)! (The Blemish)

• Katy Perry wants to kiss a girl. A girl named Miley Cyrus. And we liked it. (Hollywire)

Kristin Chenoweth is charming, funny, and has colossal gazongas. (Fatback)

Vanessa Hudgens straddles Zac Efron on the beach. She's thinking sex, he's thinking "stop smudging my bronzer." (F-listed)

• Reggie Bush desires less tush from girlfriend Kim Kardashian. He also hates America, freedom, petting puppies, and ice cream. (Celebitchy)

• Bret Michaels and Ambre Lake have ended their "relationship". Now Bret can spend more time with his hair and the finest European extensions money can buy. (Celeb Warship)

• Emmy nominations released; Katherine Heigl's wish comes true when she gets zilch. (Bitten and Bound)

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July 09, 2008

SamRo Buys LiLo Ring. Related: DJs Pull a Lot More Bank Than We Thought

lindsay_lohan_tongue_in_cheek.jpg Take a good look at the picture over to the left. It's as if Lindsay Lohan is remembering the good old days, seeing if she misses the feeling of a rigid tube of flesh poking her in the cheek. And it seems that the answer is no. Nope, girly prefers a big juicy clam in her maw, as word on the street is that Lilo is preparing to permanently play wifey to hat stand Samantha Ronson. According to The Mirror (via Yeeeah!):
Sam splashed out on an [$22,000] Cartier diamond ring for her girlfriend. “Sam took Lindsay shopping to celebrate her 22nd birthday,” says a source. “Although Lindsay is the major breadwinner, Sam has her own money and is very proud. It’s a token of her commitment. Lindsay is thrilled.”
You know, when we were in the habit of watching Mean Girls about once a week, watching Lindsay's glorious gazongas testing the limits of Forever 21 cotton/poly blends, we had dreams about stuff like this. Only in those dreams the girl sticking her digits into LiLo's taco usually looked a bit more like Scarlett Johansson than a mannish mash-up of David Spade and Charlie Chaplin. Be careful what you wish for, kiddos. more »
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CNW Junk Drawer: The Fox and the Hound Camel

megan_fox_camel_toe.jpgMegan Fox straps her camel toe into some stretch pants for a shopping excursion. (Faded Youth)

• And speaking of Megan Fox, her former(?) fiance Brian Austin Green denies the breakup rumors, says the couple are "solid". Solid as a rock? So nothing's changed it? And what you're saying is that the feeling's still hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hot? (PopCrunch)

• The first look at Jamie Lynn Spears's little baby, Maddie Briann. Maddie's next OK! cover: in thirteen years, when she marries cousin Sean Preston in a romantic toothless ceremony in Louisiana. (Dlisted)

• David Lee Roth choked on some nuts. (TMZ)

Dane Cook is a shitty neighbor, literally. (Celebitchy)

Robert Rodriguez traded his wife in for Rose McGowan, and is now trading Rose McGowan for Kat Dennings. Next up: he trades Kat Dennings for Abigail Breslin. (Defamer)

Jennifer Lopez in a bikini. Post-twins, her abs are still flatter than yours, and her ass is still bigger than the sun. (Flisted)

Lilo and SamRo ride the pink caterpillar at Disneyland. Ohhhh yeaaaaah. (Holy Taco)

• See Jaime Pressly in a bikini and you'll be nothin' but a horn dog. Eh? Yes? No? Bah. (IDLYITW)

• New Paris Hilton TV show in the works. And no, sadly, it's not a Fear Factor type show involving a rocket sending her to the surface of the moon to see how long she can hold her breath. (Hollywire)

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July 02, 2008

Deep Inside the Ronhans

lindsay_ronson_love.jpgWe really like the relationship between Lindsay Lohan and her record-spinning poon pal Samantha Ronson, and watching their body language has left little doubt as to who wears the pants in their romance. But the new issue of Star apparently has all the info on what goes down (<-- clever play on words!!!!) in the Ron-han home:
"They're totally playing house and loving every minute of it," a source tells Star. "And, yes, they share a bed!"

They call Samantha's Hollywood Hills house "home" — and behind closed doors, "Lindsay and Sam play certain roles," the source explains. "Sam is the boss, the husband. Lindsay is the passive one, the wife. It works for them!"
Today is Lindsay's 22nd birthday. Hopefully Sam was a good spouse and bought her beloved something pretty that husbands should always get their wives. Like a new Kitchenaid mixer, or a Honda Odyssey with a big red bow around it, or a new silicone G-Spotter. more »
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July 01, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Heidi Christ, Superstar

heidi-montag-pink-bikini.jpg• Reality show star/monster Heidi Montag promises to make a Christian album, compares herself to Jesus. "Because we both have really shiny hair and heal leopards," Heidi says. "That's what the poor people with zits are called, right?" (Yeeeah!)

Katherine Heigl downblouse cleavage shot. By the by, why is the term downblouse? What an antiquated word. We don't say "upcrinoline". Though "crack above slacks" has a nice ring to it. (Egotastic!)

Anne Hathaway does not heed the rap world's advice to "stop snitchin'"; snitches. (Flisted)

Cameron Diaz is beginning to look a bit Wildensteinian. (Cityrag)

Eva Longoria gets plugged. Fireplugged, that is! (The Blemish)

• Pharrell thinks tattoos and skin are like wallpaper. (FemaleFirst)

Lindsay Lohan and chick chum Samantha Ronson get cutesy together. (CelebWarship)

Zooey Deschanel is everyone's favorite. You there. Go. Look upon her in a swimsuit. (Don't Link This)

• Bridget the Midget's nip slip proves that not ALL of her is tiny. (Taxi Driver)

Amy Winehouse hit a fan (and it felt like a kiss). (Allie Is Wired)

• Eddie Murphy wants to retire from movies. Well, see ya. (Daily Stab)

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June 10, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: CBT

on-the-doll-balls-1.jpgBrittany Snow not naked, but well-versed in cock and ball torture in On the Doll! (Fatback)

• In case you were wondering if Pam Anderson's nipples were still inching their way towards her armpits, the answer is a resounding yes! (Taxi Driver)

• Abigail Clancy: dumpy name, glamorous naked boobs in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Despite her assertions to the contrary, Jessica Alba is most definitely shopping around pics of her baby. (Cityrag)

• Awwww. Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson, happy and hugging. Not as exciting as groaning and fingerblasting, but we make do with what we're given. (Yeeeah!)

Sienna Miller enjoys sleeping with . . . . . . . . . . . Heath Ledger's pajamas. (CelebWarship)

Heather Locklear throws some gang signs. Yo yo yo, northeast siiiiiide, Bev Hills, dis ya girl Heathuh! Brentwoooooood! Respect! (The Blemish)

• Paul Newman has lung cancer. Noooooooooooooooooooooooo. (Hollywire)

Elizabeth Hurley continues to dress her son like he's Little Lord Fauntleroy. (Allie Is Wired)

• Does Christina Aguilera have her eye on another, nonsimian man? (Hollyscoop)

• Firecrotch-spouter Brandon Davis has gone from Fat Elvis to slightly less fat Elvis. (Faded Youth)

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May 27, 2008

Lindsay's Goin' To Dollywood and She's Gonna Get Marr-ar-aried

lindsay lohan engagement ring.jpg So you're a 21-year-old already nearly washed-up and somewhat rehabbed actress and you've finally found the lesbian love of your life and you want to declare to the whole world that she's the only one who will be sampling your clam from now on. What do you do next? Go to Dollywood, of course! Our gossip island in the stream, FemaleFirst, reports:
Lindsay Lohan has announced she wants to marry Samantha Ronson.

The 'Mean Girls' star was seen sporting a ring at the Dolce and Gabanna party at the Cannes Film Festival, in France, and reportedly told her former lover, British model Calum Best, the pair are engaged.

Lohan, 21, and 30-year-old DJ Ronson - sister of music producer Mark Ronson - were also spotted at one of P. Diddy's infamous boat parties kissing passionately and draped over each other.

According to Britain's Daily Star newspaper, the 'Georgia Rule' star has apparently told friends she wants to have a partnership ceremony with Ronson at Dolly Parton's Dollywood theme park in July.

She is also referring to herself as Lindsay Ronson.

Rumours Lohan and Ronson are more than just friends have been circulating for months.Previously leaked emails from Lohan to Ronson said: "Babe, if I don't have you in my life then I should just go die? I want to marry you."

Reports also suggest that since returning from the world famous film festival, Lohan has moved into Ronson's Los Angeles home.
We really think that Dollywood is an inspired location for a Lohan wedding. Not only is Dolly a beloved gay icon and therefore accepting of Lindsay and Sam's love, she also knows a thing or two about using your gigantic bosoms to get ahead in life. Linds could learn something from good ol' Dolly, as LiLo doesn't yet seem to understand that her hooters have a hypnotizing effect on her audience. Used in the right way, Lindsay's headlights could lure millions upon millions of men to repeatedly pay to see a Lindsay Lohan joint, even if it was an imaginative dual sequel to Herbie Fully Loaded and Just My Luck. Those pontoons are just that powerful.

Oh, and even Lindsay's dad says, "Duh, she totally boinking Sam."

And in case Lindsay's meager engagement ring up there doesn't fulfill your daily quota of pizazz, witness Dolly Parton singing "9 to 5" with a bunch of be-costumed Disney characters.

more »
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May 23, 2008

Lilo + SamRo = 4-Ever

lindsay_lohan_ronson_cannes.jpgParis is known as Gay Paree, but this week, Cannes is the most homosexual French city of them all! Like two hand-in-hand Godzillas wearing tool belts and cutting a swath of vaginal-scented destruction, Lindsay Lohan and her chick chum Samantha Ronson descended on Cannes. And although little sister Ali Lohan recently told Extra:
“They’re best friends. They’re just friends. It’s pathetic what people say.”
the couple sure enjoyed themselves during a party on Puffy Dribble-D Doody's yacht last night:
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You half expect Kathie Lee Gifford to appear, hoist herself on a piano, and croon, "IIIIIIf they cooould . . . see me now, out on a Fun Ship Cruise . . . I'm eatin' fancy poon, yes, some Lo-han cooze!" Actually, you don't expect that at all. But you do expect Lindsay and Sam to maybe go adopt a golden retriever together and then do a little spring shopping at Eddie Bauer.
more »
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May 12, 2008

Lindsay, Lesbians, and Leggings

lindsay lohan designs leggings 1.jpg Lindsay Lohan is not having a good week, despite launching her range, as the Brits say, of totally awesome, hot, sexy, fashionable leggings. First off, she's fighting with her clam slammer, reports Page Six:
YOU'D think Lindsay Lohan would be used to all the drama by now. But she was crying her eyes out the other night at the Crown Bar in West Hollywood, upset over a fight she had with her girlfriend Sam Ronson, who was deejaying. "They had a full-blown fight," said our spy. "Evan Ross, Diana's son, and Lauren Conrad comforted her while Lindsay kept wiping her tears."
We think we're beginning to admire Sam Ronson. She seems like she doesn't take any shit from anyone, she always has a really sour look on her face, and we're guessing that when Lindsay is at her most annoyingly self-indulgent Sam barks, "Bitch, STFU or I won't lick your pussy tonight." And we're also guessing that's the only thing that could ever make Lindsay shape up. Maybe Linds should employ Sam as her manager instead of Dina. We bet nobody would dare fire Lindsay if Sam were in charge, but when Mommy's pulling the strings, this happens (via Yeeeah!):
Patriot Pictures tells E! News that Lohan is no longer a part of “Ye Olde Times,” a rom-com in the world of Renaissance Faire. “We have just decided to go our separate ways. We currently have an offer out to another actor.” [Patriot Pictures] would not say whether Lohan was being replaced for insurance, scheduling reasons or for her reputation for being difficult on set.
Was Lindsay insisting on making the costumes too? "People at Ren Faires wear leggings; I make leggings. It'll be genius." Because those things Lindsay is substituting for pants are definitely grounds for dismissal.

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April 22, 2008

Lindsay Lohan Still a Lesbian, Not Afraid of Elfin Olsen Wrath

lindsay lohan and samantha ronson.jpg Did you forget that Lindsay Lohan is supposedly a lesbian? Yeah, we did too. It's kind of like the last time Julia Roberts was pregnant, we forgot until the kid was crowning, only this time our memory will only really, permanently be jogged when we see Linds with her tongue exploring another lady's infant chute. We don't think we'd soon forget that image. But apparently we're not the only one who needs reminding that Lindsay likes to dine on DJ Sam's clam, as Page Six reports:
Lindsay Lohan gets feisty when it comes to gal pal Sam Ronson. The two spent the weekend partying at the Beatrice Inn on Friday and Hawaiian Tropic Zone on Saturday, where Ronson was spinning, but Lohan didn't like all the attention Ronson was getting. "Ashley Olsen said hello to Sam at the Beatrice, and Lindsay screamed at her, 'Get your 15-year-old 'Full House' a - - away from my girlfriend,' " said our spy. Saturday, Lohan said Ronson "was ignoring her" and became upset. "Samantha was really focused on her work and didn't leave the booth for anything," said our spy. Lindsay is so into her pal, she's even created a Facebook profile under "Lindsay Ronson."
We don't mean to be nitpicky or anything, but Ashley Olsen is actually about two and half weeks OLDER than Lindsay, so suck on that, Lindy Loho. Who's laughing now, huh? Is it you, little itty bitty baby, or is it your older, wiser, trollier nemesis? We're thinking it's Ashley. She did make about elevnty billion dollars when she was like four and never has to work again if she doesn't want to, while Lindsay will soon enough be begging for a part in Femalien III: Femalien Meets Shemalien.

Oh, and surprise, surprise, Linds has welcomed a dear old friend back into her bosom. A dear old friend named vodka. more »
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March 21, 2008

Lindsay Lohan Loved by Ladies

lindsay-lohan-samantha-ronson.jpgLindsay Lohan enjoys wearing spandex blends that gently mold themselves to her labial folds, so it comes as no surprise that people who love vaginae would come sniffing around. We're speaking, of course, of lesbians. Famous lesbians. Samantha Ronson and Courtenay "My dad owns Yahoo" Semel are reportedly staging an epic battle to win the heart and fiery crotch of the Lohan. A source told Star:
"Sam and Courtenay fight for Lindsay's attention. Both have told her they love her."

Samantha reportedly kept in constant contact with Lohan even when she was in rehab through their MySpace page.

One of the love letters Lohan reportedly sent Samantha reads, "Your [sic] all I have to live for babe. I want to marry you and have children with you. I need you to live!"

However, Courtenay and Lohan were reportedly living together in the Hollywood Hills until the two had a fight. But Courtenay still "can't let go of Lindsay, and she'll do what she can to win her back."
What does a lesbian battle look like? We picture it to be a lot like Obi Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Vader, only with silicone G-Spotters instead of light sabers. And dental dams instead of Vader masks. And crotchless panties instead of capes and robes. And a canopy bed instead of outer space. So actually, it's nothing like Star Wars, but exactly like Clam Slam 8: The Deadliest Snatch. more »
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November 14, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Gimme Moore (in a Bikini)

Demi_Moore_Bikini.jpgDemikini. Bidemi? Moorekini. (Drunken Stepfather)

Amy Winehouse plans to heal from her husband's arrest by backpacking through India. Yeah, there is absolutely nothing funny about that sentence. Nothing mockable there, no siree. (Socialite's Life)

Tom Cruise sure can cut a rug, boy! Look at 'im jitterbug! He's doin' the Lindy Hop! Go, Tom! (Cityrag)

• Ladies and gentleman, the greatest film ever made: Major Movie Star, with Jessica Simpson. It's like Glitter meets Private Benjamin meets a gigantic BM. (Derek Hail)

• A lady beat up John Stamos on an airplane. Which was well-deserved; he had a hand in "Kokomo". (IMDb/WENN)

Paris rubbing her person on a pole. Such is her wont. (Egotastic!)

Lindsay Lohan is back to hanging out with her former element. The bad element. The lesbian element. No, wait, that's the good element. (Yeeeah!)

• Hey, look, it's a bunch of Victoria's Secret chippies dressed up like the Pink Ladies. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

Brad and Angelina buy a man-made island in the shape of Ethiopia. Man-made? How gauche, that's like the cubic zirconia of islands. That said, we'll take one in the shape of a middle finger flipping off France. Yeah, buddy! USA! USA! USA! (CelebWarship)

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July 11, 2007

LiLo Lesbo Leak-o, Uh Oh

lilo and sam 3.jpg We recently reported that Lindsay Lohan was having a hard time detoxing from the dick in rehab, but apparently she's also having some hardcore poon withdrawal. According to the New York Daily News:
It appears that a "pal" has shopped poor Lindsay Lohan's private rehab musings to the press.

The recovering star used MySpace to stay in touch with friends while being treated at Promises in Malibu. Star magazine reports in its next issue that Lohan has 75 friends with access to her private MySpace area, including Lauren Conrad, Nicole Richie and kid sister Ali.

Apparently one of those 75 gave the magazine access to "heated" exchanges between Lohan and her openly gay deejay pal, Samantha Ronson. Details of the affectionate correspondence appear under the headline, "Lindsay's Lesbian Love Letters!"

Lohan allegedly tells Ronson: "Babe, if I don't have you in my life then I should just go die. ... I want to marry you and have children with you."

Apparently Lindsay isn't fussy about who changes her name.

"Go to bed babe," she wrote to her pal late one night.

"I love you. - [signed] Lindsay Ronson."
Until now we weren't quite sure what Lindsay's life would hold once she (finally) leaves rehab. Would an innocent-looking Paris Hilton fetch Lindsay a bottle of Perrier from the Hyde bar and secretly lace it with some sort of potent instantly addicting space-age narcotic, assuring Lindsay's further downward spiral and Paris's continued tabloid dominance? Would LiLo snap the next time she found Dina rummaging through her Birkin in search of a stray hundred bucks and push Mama out the window, resulting in a life-long jail sentence? No, it seems that Lindsay's future is as the heir to Rosie O'Donnell, with Samantha playing the part of Mrs. Rosie, whatever her name is. Lindsay will butch up her haircut, start a ranting video blog, adopt a brood of kiddies, and host a cruise for recovering-addict lesbians and their supportive families. That, or the couple will star in a live-action update of Lilo & Stitch called LiLo & Sam.
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May 11, 2007

Lindsay Lohan Canoodles with Calum, Hikes up Skirt, Is Backseat DJ

lindycall.jpgIn the grand tradition of Spears and Federline, Spears and Howie Day, and Minnelli and Gest, Lindsay Lohan is now dating beneath her. Rush and Malloy report:
Lindsay Lohan locked lips with British scene-maker Calum Best at Wednesday's Nylon Magazine party - despite the frowns of some pals. "This isn't a serious relationship," one friend tells us. "He's a piece of shit. He's a wanna-be celebrity. Lindsay trusts people until they hurt her." Whatever their future, Lohan was in fine form at the Tenjune bash. "She was lifting up her skirt, and sending people over to [her friend, deejay] Samantha Ronson when she didn't like what she was playing," said a spy.
Man. Not only does Samantha have to suffer through her sexy friend only deigning to hook up with her when no available man-pork presents itself, she must suffer the humiliation, as a professional DJ, of Lindsay sending her minions over to critique her beat-matching and demand that she play more Fall Out Boy. Rumor has it that Lindsay also likes to hang around operating rooms, murmuring, "could you make the incision over there instead? I dunno, it's just prettier." more »
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April 26, 2007

Lindsay Lohan Leans Lesbo

lindsay samantha peace.jpg Yes! It has finally happened! Lindsay Lohan has run out of men and is now starting fresh with women. The only question left is how long will it take her to run through the planet's female population? Fourteen months? Two years? Either way, we're eagerly awaiting the next phase in Lindsay's romantic exploration, in which she will take on one member of the animal kingdom at a time, starting alphabetically with aardvark. more »
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