filed under: Samantha Ronson

Lindsay Lohan is not having a good week, despite launching her range, as the Brits say, of totally awesome, hot, sexy, fashionable leggings. First off, she's fighting with her clam slammer, reports Page Six:

YOU'D think Lindsay Lohan would be used to all the drama by now. But she was crying her eyes out the other night at the Crown Bar in West Hollywood, upset over a fight she had with her girlfriend Sam Ronson, who was deejaying. "They had a full-blown fight," said our spy. "Evan Ross, Diana's son, and Lauren Conrad comforted her while Lindsay kept wiping her tears."

We think we're beginning to admire Sam Ronson. She seems like she doesn't take any shit from anyone, she always has a really sour look on her face, and we're guessing that when Lindsay is at her most annoyingly self-indulgent Sam barks, "Bitch, STFU or I won't lick your pussy tonight." And we're also guessing that's the only thing that could ever make Lindsay shape up. Maybe Linds should employ Sam as her manager instead of Dina. We bet nobody would dare fire Lindsay if Sam were in charge, but when Mommy's pulling the strings, this happens (via Yeeeah!):

Patriot Pictures tells E! News that Lohan is no longer a part of “Ye Olde Times,” a rom-com in the world of Renaissance Faire. “We have just decided to go our separate ways. We currently have an offer out to another actor.” [Patriot Pictures] would not say whether Lohan was being replaced for insurance, scheduling reasons or for her reputation for being difficult on set.

Was Lindsay insisting on making the costumes too? "People at Ren Faires wear leggings; I make leggings. It'll be genius." Because those things Lindsay is substituting for pants are definitely grounds for dismissal.

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Did you forget that Lindsay Lohan is supposedly a lesbian? Yeah, we did too. It's kind of like the last time Julia Roberts was pregnant, we forgot until the kid was crowning, only this time our memory will only really, permanently be jogged when we see Linds with her tongue exploring another lady's infant chute. We don't think we'd soon forget that image. But apparently we're not the only one who needs reminding that Lindsay likes to dine on DJ Sam's clam, as Page Six reports:

Lindsay Lohan gets feisty when it comes to gal pal Sam Ronson. The two spent the weekend partying at the Beatrice Inn on Friday and Hawaiian Tropic Zone on Saturday, where Ronson was spinning, but Lohan didn't like all the attention Ronson was getting. "Ashley Olsen said hello to Sam at the Beatrice, and Lindsay screamed at her, 'Get your 15-year-old 'Full House' a - - away from my girlfriend,' " said our spy. Saturday, Lohan said Ronson "was ignoring her" and became upset. "Samantha was really focused on her work and didn't leave the booth for anything," said our spy. Lindsay is so into her pal, she's even created a Facebook profile under "Lindsay Ronson."

We don't mean to be nitpicky or anything, but Ashley Olsen is actually about two and half weeks OLDER than Lindsay, so suck on that, Lindy Loho. Who's laughing now, huh? Is it you, little itty bitty baby, or is it your older, wiser, trollier nemesis? We're thinking it's Ashley. She did make about elevnty billion dollars when she was like four and never has to work again if she doesn't want to, while Lindsay will soon enough be begging for a part in Femalien III: Femalien Meets Shemalien.

Oh, and surprise, surprise, Linds has welcomed a dear old friend back into her bosom. A dear old friend named vodka. more »

Lindsay Lohan enjoys wearing spandex blends that gently mold themselves to her labial folds, so it comes as no surprise that people who love vaginae would come sniffing around. We're speaking, of course, of lesbians. Famous lesbians. Samantha Ronson and Courtenay "My dad owns Yahoo" Semel are reportedly staging an epic battle to win the heart and fiery crotch of the Lohan. A source told Star:

"Sam and Courtenay fight for Lindsay's attention. Both have told her they love her."

Samantha reportedly kept in constant contact with Lohan even when she was in rehab through their MySpace page.

One of the love letters Lohan reportedly sent Samantha reads, "Your [sic] all I have to live for babe. I want to marry you and have children with you. I need you to live!"

However, Courtenay and Lohan were reportedly living together in the Hollywood Hills until the two had a fight. But Courtenay still "can't let go of Lindsay, and she'll do what she can to win her back."

What does a lesbian battle look like? We picture it to be a lot like Obi Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Vader, only with silicone G-Spotters instead of light sabers. And dental dams instead of Vader masks. And crotchless panties instead of capes and robes. And a canopy bed instead of outer space. So actually, it's nothing like Star Wars, but exactly like Clam Slam 8: The Deadliest Snatch. more »

• Demikini. Bidemi? Moorekini. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Amy Winehouse plans to heal from her husband's arrest by backpacking through India. Yeah, there is absolutely nothing funny about that sentence. Nothing mockable there, no siree. (Socialite's Life)

• Tom Cruise sure can cut a rug, boy! Look at 'im jitterbug! He's doin' the Lindy Hop! Go, Tom! (Cityrag)

• Ladies and gentleman, the greatest film ever made: Major Movie Star, with Jessica Simpson. It's like Glitter meets Private Benjamin meets a gigantic BM. (Derek Hail)

• A lady beat up John Stamos on an airplane. Which was well-deserved; he had a hand in "Kokomo". (IMDb/WENN)

• Paris rubbing her person on a pole. Such is her wont. (Egotastic!)

• Lindsay Lohan is back to hanging out with her former element. The bad element. The lesbian element. No, wait, that's the good element. (Yeeeah!)

• Hey, look, it's a bunch of Victoria's Secret chippies dressed up like the Pink Ladies. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Brad and Angelina buy a man-made island in the shape of Ethiopia. Man-made? How gauche, that's like the cubic zirconia of islands. That said, we'll take one in the shape of a middle finger flipping off France. Yeah, buddy! USA! USA! USA! (CelebWarship)

We recently reported that Lindsay Lohan was having a hard time detoxing from the dick in rehab, but apparently she's also having some hardcore poon withdrawal. According to the New York Daily News:

It appears that a "pal" has shopped poor Lindsay Lohan's private rehab musings to the press.

The recovering star used MySpace to stay in touch with friends while being treated at Promises in Malibu. Star magazine reports in its next issue that Lohan has 75 friends with access to her private MySpace area, including Lauren Conrad, Nicole Richie and kid sister Ali.

Apparently one of those 75 gave the magazine access to "heated" exchanges between Lohan and her openly gay deejay pal, Samantha Ronson. Details of the affectionate correspondence appear under the headline, "Lindsay's Lesbian Love Letters!"

Lohan allegedly tells Ronson: "Babe, if I don't have you in my life then I should just go die. ... I want to marry you and have children with you."

Apparently Lindsay isn't fussy about who changes her name.

"Go to bed babe," she wrote to her pal late one night.

"I love you. - [signed] Lindsay Ronson."

Until now we weren't quite sure what Lindsay's life would hold once she (finally) leaves rehab. Would an innocent-looking Paris Hilton fetch Lindsay a bottle of Perrier from the Hyde bar and secretly lace it with some sort of potent instantly addicting space-age narcotic, assuring Lindsay's further downward spiral and Paris's continued tabloid dominance? Would LiLo snap the next time she found Dina rummaging through her Birkin in search of a stray hundred bucks and push Mama out the window, resulting in a life-long jail sentence? No, it seems that Lindsay's future is as the heir to Rosie O'Donnell, with Samantha playing the part of Mrs. Rosie, whatever her name is. Lindsay will butch up her haircut, start a ranting video blog, adopt a brood of kiddies, and host a cruise for recovering-addict lesbians and their supportive families. That, or the couple will star in a live-action update of Lilo & Stitch called LiLo & Sam.

In the grand tradition of Spears and Federline, Spears and Howie Day, and Minnelli and Gest, Lindsay Lohan is now dating beneath her. Rush and Malloy report:

Lindsay Lohan locked lips with British scene-maker Calum Best at Wednesday's Nylon Magazine party - despite the frowns of some pals. "This isn't a serious relationship," one friend tells us. "He's a piece of shit. He's a wanna-be celebrity. Lindsay trusts people until they hurt her." Whatever their future, Lohan was in fine form at the Tenjune bash. "She was lifting up her skirt, and sending people over to [her friend, deejay] Samantha Ronson when she didn't like what she was playing," said a spy.

Man. Not only does Samantha have to suffer through her sexy friend only deigning to hook up with her when no available man-pork presents itself, she must suffer the humiliation, as a professional DJ, of Lindsay sending her minions over to critique her beat-matching and demand that she play more Fall Out Boy. Rumor has it that Lindsay also likes to hang around operating rooms, murmuring, "could you make the incision over there instead? I dunno, it's just prettier." more »

Yes! It has finally happened! Lindsay Lohan has run out of men and is now starting fresh with women. The only question left is how long will it take her to run through the planet's female population? Fourteen months? Two years? Either way, we're eagerly awaiting the next phase in Lindsay's romantic exploration, in which she will take on one member of the animal kingdom at a time, starting alphabetically with aardvark. more »