filed under: Sam Lutfi

We're thinking about taking a binge and purge approach to Britney Spears gossip from now on. We'll hold out for as long as we can, denying ourselves any information on the sad, sad life of our favorite fallen pop star, then maybe once a week we'll lower our defenses and allow the wave of Brit news to wash over us, leaving a cheesy, greasy stain. In today's binge we learn that Brit had plastic palookas installed when she was a wee teener and Sam Lutfi is heartily battling Howard K. Stern for the title of World's Supreme Asshole. It's gonna be a tight race. more »

Oh God oh God oh God. Britney . . . eloping . . . scumbag . . . Vegas. Please, Jebus, don't let this happen. We simply cannot take it. If we have to live through this cycle again we may have to take drastic measures. Like finding ourselves an unwashed, unemployed famesucker to marry who will slowly drive us insane until we too consistently forget to cover up our ass in public. Because at this point the only possible way we're ever going to understand Britney's actions is to repeat them ourselves. Which might prove a little difficult, as we're allergic to asperthame. So hopefully MSNBC is wrong about this whole thing. They say:

Get ready, Las Vegas! Britney Spears is planning an encore. The troubled pop star wed childhood pal Jason Alexander Sin City-style in 2004 — a union that lasted all of 55 hours. But according to Star Magazine, this time she wants to hitch her wagon to professional hanger-on Sam Lutfi.

In fact, an insider told the publication Britney already announced her marital ambitions to her lawyers and ex-hubby, Kevin Federline. “[The lawyers] begged her to at least get a prenup, but she didn’t seem to be listening.”

K-Fed’s none too happy, either. “Kevin has seen Sam lose his temper,” said a family spy. “We hear he swears a lot and makes very derogatory statements when he’s alone with Brit. Kevin has forbidden Britney from having Sam around the boys. In fact, Kevin has threatened to get a restraining order. She’ll lose custody if she allows Sam around them, Kevin will make sure of it.”

But will the danger of losing her kids be enough to keep Brit from heading down the aisle a third time? A Star source claims it’s unlikely. “Britney is completely under Sam’s spell. Everyone sees through him, except her. I hear that he stays with her most of the time, and she pays for his food, his bar and restaurant tabs and his clothing. She takes car of everything.”

Upside? Upside? Upside? God dammit, where is the fucking upside to this story? That an informal elopement won't require an expensive and elaborate wedding dress with a skirt longer than two and half inches and Britney will be able to wear a negligee she's mistaken for a dress? That maybe Lutfi is also an aspiring rapper and we will get to relive the "Popozao" days again? We seriously have no clue. Please, someone help us. We're frightened.