filed under: Ryan Seacrest

We hear sharks like meat that is a bit expired, devoid of any substance or nutrition, and a bit salty. And though Heidi Montag would probably take the top spot on a list of celebrities who fit all those descriptions, it was Ryan Seacrest who got nibbled on by a baby Jaws. Still, a solid choice. Reports The San Francisco Chronicle:

"American Idol" host Ryan Seacrest is recovering after a shark bit him this weekend.

The TV personality was swimming in the ocean off California when the baby predator nibbled his foot.

He says, "I was bitten by a shark. ... (There were) a thousand people in the ocean, and I get bit by the shark."

According to the DJ, the tiny shark left a fragment of tooth behind -- it's embedded in his foot, and he has the mark to prove it.

We find it funny that Seacrest said, "(There were) a thousand people in the ocean, and I get bit by the shark." Mostly because every time we look at Ryan Seacrest we think, "There are over six billion people in the world, and he gets to be rich and famous?"

In awesome news: Britney's lackey texted Ryan Seacrest and swears that the papule-farming pop mess is absolutely not pregnant. In even awesomer news: she went pantsless in a Hustler store! US Weekly scoops the poop:

Shortly before 1 a.m. on November 18, Britney Spears entered the X-rated Hustler Store in West Hollywood.

Spears loaded up on naughty skivvies and headed to the fitting rooms. But store employees "told her they don't allow people to try on underwear," a source at the scene says. "She was really upset . . . She looked out of it. There was nothing going on behind her eyes."

At that point, Spears threw a fit, and took off her own underwear before trying on a pair of boy shorts in the middle of the store while 15 other customers looked on.

An eyewitness tells Us, "The employees kept saying 'Don't change out here!' She's just like, 'Well, I couldn't take them in the fitting room!' It was like dealing with a child."

Spears' tantrum only continued. "The staff told her she had to pay, and she rolled her eyes, but paid with a credit card," the source tells Us. As payback, "on her way out, she went up to a mannequin, snatched the wig off the head, and stole it!"

We're actually more surprised by the fact that Hustler stores are such discerning establishments of hygiene, grace, and demureness that one is not allowed to test drive their drawers. As for Britney's behavior, BFD. For the past year and a half, her reaction to any situation (exiting a car, dancing at a club, standing before a judge) has been to whip off her drawers and sling her beav lips around like a couple of color guard flags. more »

Lindsay Lohan! Rats! Illicit behavior! Ryan Seacrest! That Page Six sure knows how to craft a riveting story. If they had just thrown in Nicole Richie giving a handjob to a baby elephant they would've been a shoo-in for a Pulitzer. more »

Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest, sittin' on the beach.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes bearding, second comes herpes
Then comes the coy denials followed by convenient photo ops followed by couch jumping followed by a quickie engagement and miracle alien baby gestating in Teri's womb for approximately 6 trimesters.
more »

• A slight look at Kelly Hu's Hu-ters.

• Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest dating? She says she "really enjoys his company". Well, duh. He knows about all the sample sales ahead of time, and he's so fun to enjoy a decadant whipped yogurt (only 140 creamy, dreamy calories!) with, while getting a deep tissue massage!

• OMG! Victoria's Secret is that Adriana Lima is a total virgin!!!

• Whoa, here she comes. Watch out, boy, Lindsay Lohan will chew you up.

• Sorry, ladies! Handsome beef-a-roni hunk Jack Black is officially off the market.

• Sorry again, ladies! Studly demigod Michael Bolton is also officially off the market. Enjoy that, Nicolette Sheridan.

• Jessica Alba is officially sexy, we know, but now Scarlett Johansson has been deemed certifiably pretty. Good to know.

• "Little black book" is just one of the many practical purposes served by Pam Anderson's grotesquely colossal plastic breasts.

• We mourn the demise of the leg man. If you're one of them, you will probably want to look into Paulina Rubio. Damn, that tomato's got some nice pegs.

• Paris Hilton prepares to get back to 1985 after harnessing a bolt of lightning hitting the clock tower.

• Dennis Rodman says his affair with Madonna was "just alright", not "on a level", and "not all that". Then dropped his Most Hype Sayings of 1992 phrasebook in the toilet, sparing us any references to ". . . and a bag of chips", or Arsenio-style barking.

• How did B-lister Jared Leto land himself an Ol$en? By packing some excessive toolage, of course. Big dongs. The ladies do seem to enjoy them.

• Listen, we are slovenly Midwestern crapbags who are ignorant in the sparkly ways of you fancy coastal dwellers, so we don't know who the f this "Fabian Basabe" is. But we do know three things: he's a funny man, a gay man, and a racist man.

• Whooops, Mariah "The Glitterfly" Carey's clothes fell off! There must be pictures. Where are the damn pictures?

• Ryan Seacrest would like FOX to give him a raise. Highlights and tan-in-a-can are expensive

• Tiffani Thiessen gets married! Congrats! Wait, wait, wait. We remember Tiffani-Amber Thiessen from 90210. Who the hell is this "Tiffani Thiessen" person?

• Pssst! Angelina still likes sex! PASS IT ON.