filed under: Ryan Reynolds

Bazoomy hepatitis-negative blonde Scarlett Johansson is officially engaged to oft shirtless bad-movie specialist Ryan Reynolds. So how long do we have to wait until people start saying they heard from a friend of a friend of a friend of Scarj's hairstylist that she's carrying a tiny little package of chiseled abs in her womb? With Beyonce, we think it was about a week, but with Ashlee Simpson it was probably a matter of hours. Guess we'll just have to wait and see. After all, it's not possible that love is behind this whole thing. That's not how it works in Hollywood. Love doesn't cause marriages, failed EPTs do. According to WENN:

Scarlett Johansson has announced her engagement to actor boyfriend Ryan Reynolds. The couple has been dating since February 2007, shortly after Definitely, Maybe star Reynolds broke off his engagement to singer Alanis Morissette. The actress's representative Marcel Pariseau confirmed the news to People.com, revealing, "They're both thrilled." He added that no wedding date has been set. Johansson, 23, and 31-year-old Reynolds will step out for the first time as husband-and-wife-to-be at New York's Metropolitan Museum Costume Institute Gala on Monday night. Johansson famously keeps her private life under wraps, but previously dated actor Josh Hartnett from 2004 to 2006. The media frenzy surrounding the impending nuptials comes at a great time for Johansson, who is promoting her new debut album of Tom Waits covers, entitled Anywhere I Lay My Head.

Woody Allen sure is going to be pissed. more »

• Now that it's raining more than ever/know that Biel still hates the paparazzi/You can get beat by her umba-rella/You get beat by her umba-rella, ella, ella, ay, ay, ay. (Egotastic!)

• Britney Spears pretends she has narcolepsy, which is not an oozing venereal disease, like one might automatically assume. (Yeeeah!)

• Katie "Jordan" Price gives a hot blow job!!! She'll really straighten you out! (Drunken Stepfather)

• Work that butt chin, Jessica Simpson. (IDLYITW)

• Now we know what Heidi Klum sees in Seal. (Pssst! It's his enormous penis!!!!) (Derek Hail)

• Happy Halloween! Please stick your candle into Christina Ricci's pumpkins. She was Wednesday Addams, after all, so this is plenty relevant. (Cityrag)

• Find out what happens when Dinas stop being orange and start gittin' REAL. (Fatback and Collards)

• And speaking of questionable Lohans (are there any other kind?), Michael is dressed like it's twink night at the Wet Piston, wtf. (Celeb Warship)

• Rwanda postponed its visit from Paris Hilton, presumably because it needed to reinforce its herpes levees. (Celebitchy)

• Scarlett Johansson knows that nothing says "we're casually dating, I'm kind of into you" than forcing your boyfriend to don your body parts around his neck like a gilded noose. (The Blemish)

We've figured you out, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Biel. We've been confused by your supposed romantic rivalries and Parisian shopping excursions, but no more. We're onto you. And we're not playing this game anymore. We're not going to write story after story about your ridiculously overlapping taste in men while you huddle in front of a laptop in Scarj's multi-million-dollar penthouse apartment and laugh at us. "This sure is fun, Jess. Have another leftover Easter Peep and find another blog that hasn't caught on yet." "Who should we date next, Scar? Matthew McConaughey? Adrian Grenier?" "Let's date them both!" "Hahahaha!" We are not your toy, Jesslett! more »