filed under: Ryan Phillippe

"Wah! My son likes his closeted gay almost step-daddy better than he likes his closeted gay real daddy! Wah!" So says Ryan Phillippe, according to OK! (via Celebitchy):

According to a family friend, the kids love Jake so much that when it’s time for Reese to hand them over to Ryan, little Deacon can’t stop talking about Jake. “It’s Jake did this, Jake brought mommy flowers and coffee, Jake says we should recycle,” the friend tells OK!

It’s reportedly taking it’s toll on Ryan. “Ryan called Reese and suggested she stop letting him (Jake) spend so much time with the kids,” the insider tells OK! “He was pretty irate on the phone. Reese barely let him finish the sentence before she shot back that what she does with her personal life is her business.”

We can see how that would get pretty annoying. A three-year-old constantly bragging, "Jake smells like bubblegum, Jake has a picture of George Clooney in his wallet, Jake says you're responsible for the destruction of the rainforest," would really get on your nerves.

And in other Reese news, yesterday WENN brought us this headline: "Witherspoon's Eye Blister Stops Shooting." Well, thank God. It could've hit someone. And blood leaves a stain. Just look at Britney.

A year ago, when darkness descended upon the world and golden-tressed power couple Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon called it quits, it was speculated that the wedge that drove them apart was suspiciously shaped like Australian blonde Abbie Cornish Game Hen. And now lo, these many months later, it appears that Ryan and Abbie have rekindled their illicit romance, and are now making it legit, complete with holiday shopping with the kiddies. The New York Daily News reports:

"They are a real couple. (The relationship) has really grown. [Abbie is] spending time with his kids (Ava, eight, and Deacon, four) - it's not like she's on the side. She's part of the family." And Phillippe's children appear to have warmed to Cornish, after they were snapped Christmas shopping together last weekend. A witness tells Us Weekly magazine, "Ava seemed very comfortable with Abbie. Ava picked a wreath, and Abbie put it around her head as a joke. They both were laughing." Another source adds, "Going out together and leaking a few photos is their discreet way of letting the public know it's official. It's not like you can send out a press release about these things."

Pffft. Sure you can! It's easy! Here.

For immediate release: Ryan Phillippe's seminal fluid, into the proverbial kangaroo pouch of Down Under doll Abbie Cornish!

The American public loves nothing more than the hearty soiling of their sweethearts. What better way to celebrate the holidays than observing cherubic Ryan Phillippe allowing his other woman to play house with his Withersprouts?

They're totally doing it! Will Ava strangle Abbie with that jaunty Christmas wreath? Will Reese impale her with her dangerously tapered chin? It's a holiday mystery . . .

Lindsay Lohan's lawyer recently referred to public johns as "the sacred confines of a ladies'-room stall." He thinks it works like Vegas--what happens there, says there. Tell that to Britney Spears, who allegedly hooked up with the soon-to-be-divorced Ryan Phillippe in the can at Les Deux. The National Enquirer found a source to squeal:

"After several of Ryan’s buddies joined them at Britney’s table, Ryan excused himself and went into the nearby men’s room,” said the source. “On the spur of the moment, Britney followed. Alarmed, Britney’s bodyguards began pounding and screaming on the door. With no response from her, they went ballistic. “After calling out to Britney several more times asking if she was OK, they busted in the door and found Britney and Ryan groping and kissing each other,” said the insider.”

You can't really admonish Britney for doing something like this. She is, after all, primarily noted for hanging out in gas station toilets minus shoes. Intimate encounters in public elimination areas are in her blood. The sight of doo-smeared bowls and the smell of urinal cakes? To Britney, it's akin to two dozen roses and a velvet Tiffany & Co. box. more »

That 18-year-old girl in the car with Ryan Phillippe? Oh, she's not his girlfriend. No, she's dating his friend. Also, that weed, it's not his. He, uh, found it on a park bench and didn't want any kids to find it, so he was taking it to the police station. Really. He swears. more »

• Elle Macpherson's still got it! Believe the hype, feel the magic, catch the wave, etc., etc.

• Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section to Entertainment Tonight for $1 million. OK, so for those who like to keep count: she sold the last pictures of her with her son, she sold the pictures of her "commitment ceremony" to lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern, she sold the (incredibly bloody and brutal) video of her baby's birth. Next on the auction block: the baby.

• Moby hopes that if and when he has children, they will turn out gay. Gay children everywhere are hoping that if and when they are sired, it won't be to Moby.

• Ryan Phillippe says, in regards to rumors that he cheated on Reese Witherspoon, “I’m not a perfect person, but I’m not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of.” He's not guilty of a lot of those things. Just a bunch of them. A passel, if you will.

• Lindsay Lohan has been rear-ended. Has she ever!

• Sienna Miller gets revenge on Pittsburgh by showing her boobs. That'll learn 'em.

• Jordan (sweet, sweet Jordan) says that husband Peter Andre's past as a schtupper of tramps makes her sick. Apparently, she feels fine about him being a present schtupper of one tramp.

• Jessica Simpson makes with the cleavage; jazz hands.

• Is Australian actress Abbie Cornish the real reason behind the Reese/Ryan breakup? That would mark the second time Ryan's fallen for a blonde with an incredibly silly last name. At least he's consistent.

• Sumner Redstone says that he dropped Tom Cruise's contract because his wife, Paula, "like women everywhere, had come to hate him." Ouch, and hahahahaha.

• Cindy Margolis is in Playboy. And her bod makes us hum Bob Seger's "Like a Rock".

• The drummer for McFly (who?) has been bragging to anyone who'll listen that he has felt the gently licking flames of Lohan's firecrotch. Yeeeeah, that's like bragging that you ate food once, or that you sometimes blink.

• Step aside, Brangelina! Take a hike, Bennifer! Let's all give a warm welcome to . . . Tophvanka Grump!

• If there's anything U.S. Marines hate, it's being in the presence of a large-breasted, blonde, ultra-famous porn star.

• Katie Holmes recently ran into Brooke Shields and stopped to chat. Afterwards, her handler best friend ever threw a burlap sack over her head, threw her in the back of a Brinks security van, drove her to a secluded location 4 miles beneath the earth's crust, and subjected her to 72 straight hours of deprogramming and delousing.

• Heidi Klum: finally, a celebrity who ain't afraid to get a little scary for the sake of Halloween. Nicely done.

• Patrick Dempsey's ex-wife, whom he married when he was 21 and she was the 48-year-old stepmother of his best friend, is alleging that he beat her during the filming of Can't Buy Me Love. Hey, these actors are tempestuous, artistic types and often have trouble bringing their work home with them at the end of the day. Can you really blame Dempsey for feeling violent when he spent day in and day out in character as a brutal, sexist killer with a hair-trigger temper. Wait, what? Can't Buy Me Love was about a mild-mannered nerd on a riding lawnmower? Oh.

A part of us died the day we heard that Brad and Jennifer Aniston decided to end their union. A part of us that we can never get back. The part of us that believed in love. The last year has been cold and hard and ugly, metaphorically blackened with tar and coated with frost. And just when we felt we, like Gloria Estefan after her tragic bus accident, were coming out of the dark, Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe announce that they are legally separating. And the thick hoar grows over our hearts anew. more »

When you woke up this morning you thought to yourself, "Gee, I really wish I knew what the sexual habits of celebrities were." (And frankly we're proud of you for managing to keep your sick-ass perversions in check this morning. Not like yesterday when your first thought upon waking involved Liza Minnelli getting fucked in the ass with a parsnip. Seriously, dude, get some help.) You're in luck, my friend, as today we can bring you news of the sexual stylings of Drew Barrymore and Reese Witherspoon. With their respective men. Not with each other. Sorry to get your hopes up there. more »