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filed under: Renée Zellweger

April 10, 2008

Renee Zellweger Employs Booger Checker
renee zellweger is shiny.jpg Umbrella carrier. Weave fluffer. Gum disposal expert. Celebrities need help with a lot of everyday tasks that normal people are forced to do on their own. But if Renée Zellweger needs help wiping her snotty nose, we sure hope she at least offers her assistant 401(k) matching funds and a kick-ass dental plan. London's Mirror reports:
Renee Zellweger's new film should be called Snottyhead rather than Leatherhead, after her nasal antics at the London premiere.

The Hollywood, er, beauty, 38, suffered from embarrassing bogies as she tried to catch up with Georgeous George Clooney along the red carpet on Tuesday night.

But being a true movie star, she couldn't wipe the snot away by herself - oh no. Our Bridget Jones scored an impressive "8" on our Diva-ometer by having a dedicated Andrex Annie to make sure her nose was greenie-free.

We couldn't believe our eyes as a woman armed with a red handkerchief dabbed at Renee's A-list nose as she waited to go into the premiere at Leicester Square.
Taken at face value, the use of a nostril-nugget eradicator before a red-carpet event where a celeb will get her picture taken is not all that ridiculous. What are ridiculous are the further questions it conjures up, such as, "Does Renée require similar assistance for all of her bodily functions, or just those likely to be spied by the public? If Renée were to jump on the upskirt trend, would she need special help in checking for skidmarks before the big event?" We may never know. more »
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March 26, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Pamela and Camela (Toe)
pam_anderson_bj_dog_poop.jpg• Pam Anderson's marriage to Rick Salomon has been annulled. In the eyes of the law, that means it never happened. Let us never speak of this again. (Hollywire)

• MrSkin.com scores the first ever interview with Christian Landers, the dude behind the high-larious StuffWhitePeopleLike.com! (Mr. Skin)

• Madonna claims that her marriage is ripe with "erotica". Excellent way to work your song title in there, Madge. Was your wedding La Isla Bonita? (Female Foist)

• Kate Moss sans the clammy, crackulous influence of Pete Doherty = foxy. (Cityrag)

• Awwww. Carmen Electra has found herself another funny little eyeliner-wearing alternarocker to love. (Daily Stab)

• Sophie Monk's religious last name belies the deep cleave of her camel toe. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Renee Zellweger attended a screening of Leatherheads donning a leathered face. Sorry, Renee. You seem like a nice lady, you just make it so easy. (Allie Is Wired)

• Sorry, boys! Looks like that hot slice of preggo jailbait Jamie Lynn Spears is off the market! (The Blemish)

• I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, he's a Pepper, Axl Rose is a Pepper. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

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August 28, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: An Elle of a Bod
Elle_Macpherson_Surf.jpg• If you're "board", Elle MacPherson in a bikini will make you whip up a batch of your own sex wax. Har de har. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Someone give Renee Zellweger a part in Bridget Jones 3, stat. (Yeeeah!)

• Paris Hilton rubs her nipple on a bear. (Egotastic!)

• Madonna: arms of an ultimate fighter, hands of an ancient oak tree. (Cityrag)

• Owen Wilson's funnyman exterior belies the coketacular pain within. (GlossLip)

• Diora Baird stars in the upcoming film Young People Fucking. How cryptic. What could that possibly be about? (The Blemish)

• Keira Knightley is all, "Being famous sucks. I'm ugly. Tits." (Daily Stab)

• Fergie's got it coming out of both ends now. (Dlisted)

• Not satisfied with ingesting nicotine the old-fashioned way, Keith Richards eats a cigarette onstage. Next up in is quest for a new buzz: ketamine eye wash and crack rock earplugs. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

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April 24, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Jonathan Rhyshab Meyers
scarjj.jpg• They try to make me wear a tee-shirt, I said, no, no, no. (Egotastic!)

• They tried to make Jonathan go to Rhyshab, he said, no, no, n--well, okay. (Female First)

• John Krasinski from The Office and Renée Zellweger? OK, that sounds fine, carry on. (I'm Not Obsessed)

• Scarlett Johansson's handsome jumblies are SNL's new Hans and Franz. Because they'll pump (clap) you up. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Scary Spice's daughter is not named Fortuna, as previously reported. She's Angel Iris Murphy Brown. Because everybody loves Candice Bergen! (D Listed)

• Morgan Fairchild: she's still got (t)it! (Drunken Stepfather)

• Some rich Russian guy wants to pay Jennifer Lopez $2 million dollars to sing at a party. Little does he know that stateside, a J. Lo warbling usually goes for around $36.99 and a half a pack of Fruit Stripe. (IDontLikeYouInThatWay)

• It's been a few weeks since we've dipped our chalice into the lusty lake that is Jessica Biel's rotund squatter. Let's do. (Yeeeah!)

• Speaking of asses, here's Nicky Hilton's. She does not share her sister's unfortunate goiteresque gluteal growth. (Taxi Driver)

• Hilary Duff strokes a thick, wrinkled, fleshy tube. (Popoholic)

• Suri Cruise hits the party circuit. (Bricks and Stones)
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January 17, 2007

Renée Zellweger: So Cute, She Farts Rabbits
Ah, now we know why Renée Zellweger always has that pinched, pained expression on her face--she gots bunnies in the bowels.

zellvogue.jpg

Oh, they look fuzzy enough, to be sure, but passing those powerful hind legs through one's intestines is enough to make anyone squint a bit. more »
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January 16, 2007

Well, They Are Both Into Squinting
reneegg.jpgRumor has it that Renée Zellweger is dating Dylan McKay himself, Luke Perry. What would Joe E. Tata think? more »
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October 02, 2006

Renée's Just No Good at Fluffing and Folding
Remember when Renée Zellweger and Kenny Chesney were married for less time than it took you to get rid of that persistent itch and then they got divorced and Renée cited fraud as the reason and everyone just assumed that meant that on her wedding night she walked into the honeymoon suite to find Kenny all naked and sweaty with his roadie Julio? We were all wrong. See, Kenny couldn't fully devote himself to Renée because his heart already belonged to another. He'll never love a woman the way he loves a nice pile of clean laundry. more »
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November 10, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: "Baby, I'm Scaring Myself!"
• Pink says she wants to have lezzie sex with Kelly Osbourne. Well, that makes one of us.

• Jessica Alba pokes our eyes out. With her tits.

• Renée Zellweger's behatted bygone ball and chain Kenny Chesney assures us that he's "pretty firm" in his sexuality. Just pretty firm, though.

• Stamos Nachos learns an important lesson: when driving Paris Hilton's Bentley under the influence while chased by paparazzi and while bystanders are filming the whole melee, do not obscure your drunken double vision with your jacket or you will crash into a truck, leaving your girlfriend no other recourse than to blow kisses at the cops. Oh, please, like we all haven't been there.

• Mischa Barton's publicist once urged her to play hide-the-hot-dog with Leonardo diCaprio to further her career. Mischa expressed digust, not because he looks like a weepy-eyed Pekingese or the fact that he was on Growing Pains and totally has gross Ben Seaver germs, but because he's "like, thirty, or something".

• Jessica Simpson tried to pull an Angelina and went on a humanitarian mission to Africa, only to fake sick. Because she's an asshole.

• Models! Fluffy wings! Horny elves! Tyra Banks's farewell to modeling! Asses curiously devoid of cellulite! Light-up tit-tays! Candy canes! Inexplicable puffballs! High-res pics! Heidi Klum having a better body 8 hours after giving birth than we had at age 16! It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Wheeee!

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November 01, 2005

Renée Zellweger: 60", 16:9 HDTV Monitor Plasma Display
Renée Zellweger's estranged, bald, behatted huzzy Kenny Chesney has likened his wife to a big-screen television. Huh. We always thought of her more as a 10 cup rice steamer. Or a Salad Shooter, perhaps. more »
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October 06, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: "No, Srsly, Sharn. Jus Drink Da Dis'ronno."
• We're scared, and expecting Renée Zellweger to show up at our offices with a sack of nickels and a sawed-off shotgun any day now.

• In the real world, when a guy plies a girl with booze and coerces her to strip, it's called date rape. In Hollywood, when it happens to Sly Stallone and Sharon Stone, it's called movie magic!

• BarryMORE, braLESS.

• Paparazzi didn't cause Lindsay Lohan's Benz bust-up, illegal U-turns did. GodDAMN, girl's got some good spin doctors.

• Hey, don't look at us! We've been abiding by the strict "at least 500 yards away at all times" clause in that restraining order Freddie Prinze Jr. took out on us. Right, Freddie? Right? Heh heh. Heh . . . heh. Heh?

• Man. For a pointy-faced prepubescent weinerless elf, Orlando Bloom sure gets around town with the pretty ladies.

• Thank GOD a dangerous criminal mastermind like Kate Moss will soon be behind bars! London, your streets are now safe again.
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September 16, 2005

Bridget Jones a Singleton Again
Apparently it’s the week of absolutely shocking news. First we’re thrown straight out of our rocking chairs by hearing that Kate Moss does cocaine. Now we’re faced with the truly unbelievable news that Renée Zellweger and Kenny Chesney are having their marriage annulled. If someone tells us that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise’s relationship isn’t based on love or that Kevin Federline can’t even spell “relationship” we may just have a stroke. more »
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July 27, 2005

Bridget Jones: Edge of Divorce
When we first heard that Renée Zellweger had married our favorite boot-scooting boogier Kenny Chesney, we made a bet with our cat Mr. Muffleskin over how long the pairing would last. Mr. Muffleskin had no faith in the celebrity union and claimed that it would be over by the time that ham sandwich in our fridge started growing mold, while we felt that Renée and Kenny had found true and lasting love. It looks like Mr. Muffleskin may win that bet. more »
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June 24, 2005

Renée Zellweger To Become Tawny Kitaen
Now that Renée Zellweger has bagged herself a man, she doesn’t seem to care about Oscars and pretty dresses and protruding collarbones anymore. Girl just wants to get nekkid and star in some music videos. more »
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June 07, 2005

Mrs. Chesney To Pack on the Fat
Lindsay Lohan (apparently today is the day that the world realized that there are only three people that we should be talking about) may soon have one less lollipop-shaped celeb to model herself after, as Renée Zellweger plans to start packing on some pounds. We guess poor Lindz will just have to get tips on how to subsist on nothing but Starbucks and celery sticks from Nicole Richie. And Mary-Kate Olsen. And Kate Bosworth. more »
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May 11, 2005

Zellweger and Chesney Reportedly "Happy", But Still Creepy
Frankly, there's not much going on in the way of celebrity dirt today. Everyone's still hiding out in their bomb shelters, doing Lamaze breathing and gobbling Oxycontin, trying to wrap their heads around this whole Renée Zellweger-Kenny Chesney thing. We have to admit that we spent a good solid seventeen hours yesterday trying to come up with a clever "Bennifer" nickname for the merry couple. After half-heartedly deciding on "Chesweger", we realized that we kinda didn't care, and they're probably just going to split up in a few months anyway. more »
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May 10, 2005

Bridget Jones a Singleton No More
In a shock-and-awe ceremony, Renée Zellweger wed country star Kenny Chesney, who is rumored to be one of Prez Bush's favorite artists and, uh, we'll just leave it at that. The blushing bride wore Carolina Herrera, the groom went barefoot, and the couple allegedly "laughed and cried" during the ceremony, which is pretty fitting since we laughed and cried when we heard about it. Actually, we just laughed. more »
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