filed under: Reese Witherspoon
June 27, 2008
Reese and Jake Live in Sin. Boring, Boring Sin

Remember when
Angelina Jolie and
Brad Pitt were first secretly hooking up and the media went completely bananas and everyone stayed up for weeks, mad with imagining the possibilities of our two most comely stars doing it? Photographers high on Red Bull staked their every move, just hoping to get the money shot of the two together? Yes? Remember those days? Well, the pairing of
Reese Witherspoon and
Jake Gyllenhaal is the exact opposite of that. They've been dating for several months now (really?) and they just moved in together (for real?)
Celebitchy reports:
Reese Witherspoon and her two children have just moved into a £1.9 million house in the cosmopolitan district of “Notting Hill” to be closer to her love Jake Gyllenhaal.
The romantic 32-year-old star, which was considered as the Hollywood’s highest paid actress, took a four-month break from work so she can be closer to Brokeback Mountain actor Jake, who is currently filming in London.
Ugh, these two are so boring that we're practically falling asleep typing this. Their love nest is probably a giant den of bland. They sit around cuddling in a respectful way and discuss whether or not to get the taupe or loden sofa and then enjoy some plain Triscuits and water while watching
Grey's Anatomy.
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May 14, 2008
Finally We Can Talk About Engagements That Don't Involve Ashlee Simpson

First he gave her a little baby bundle capable of challenging Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's title as World's Sexiest Baby, and now
Modelman has given
Halle Berry an engagement ring. According to
Showbiz Spy:
New mom Halle Berry is engaged to her boyfriend Gabriel Aubry after he gave her his grandmother’s ring.
“Gabriel felt the time was right to propose. He gave her the family heirloom because he wanted to show her how much she means to him, and how she will be accepted into the Aubry family,” a source close to the couple said.
“The ring belonged to Gabriel’s grandmother – it was her engagement ring.”
The ‘X Men’ actress, 41, was snapped flashing the diamond ring in Hollywood this past weekend.
Berry gave birth to the couple’s first daughter, Nahla Ariela, in March.
Halle and Gabriel, 32, started dating in November 2005.
Way to get a jump on all those other Hollywood unwed mothers, Halle.
Nicole Richie and
Jessica Alba and Jamie Lynn Spears are going to have to try really hard to keep up with you, you wily minx.
Also contemplating a walk down the aisle,
Reese Witherspoon and
Jake Gyllenhaal, although they're planning on having the wedding first, then moving in together, then having the babies. God, what a coupla squares. Reports
OK!:
Sitting in a cozy booth at the Hominy Grill in Charleston, S.C., on May 3, Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal were the picture of happiness. Though the cheery couple, who arrived holding hands, brought their appetites, their minds weren't on food.
"They couldn't keep their eyes off each other," Hominy Grill manager Brandy Mangum tells OK!. "The entire time, he was so attentive. It was really sweet. They really do make the perfect couple."
Friends of the pair say it won't be long now before Jake pops the question to his lady love. "They've been talking marriage for a while," a source close to Reese reveals to OK!. "They'll be formally engaged any day now. They want to spend the rest of their lives together."
But don't expect these two to go down the route of so many Hollywood couples who move in together and start families before getting hitched. "This is a very serious relationship," the Oscar-winner's pal explains. "But Reese is very conservative and traditional. I'm sure she doesn't want her kids to see her 'living in sin.'"
When asked about their clients' plans for walking down the aisle, Reese's rep had no comment, while Jake's people claim there are no immediate plans for a wedding.
Aw, Jake will make a lovely bride. We wonder what color his bridesmaids will wear. Probably teal.
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February 28, 2008
Reese "The Mommy Trash Compactor" Witherspoon

We're frankly getting really damn sick of this green trend. Sure, it's a nice idea, save the world, protect the environment, blahblahblah. But do we really need to have the Oscars declared green? Plus, that word is just so cunty. Green. Maybe we'll start a movement to go purple. It will involve people pretending to be Prince. Think of the whimsy! So it's sort of refreshing to hear that
Reese Witherspoon isn't jumping on Hollywood's latest trend, deforestation be damned! Our own energy-saving consultant,
FemaleFirst, reports:
Reese Witherspoon is obsessed with "trash".
The 'Legally Blonde' actress often sneaks out in the middle of the night to check on her neighbours' garbage.
She said: "I'm very obsessed with trash. I like to throw a lot of things away, particularly at Christmas. It makes me a little crazy when the trash is overflowing. I put on rubber boots and I literally get into the trash can and stomp on it.
"My son Deacon calls me 'The Mommy Trash Compactor'! Sometimes I'll sneak and look at the neighbours' garbage cans and see if it's kind of empty. I'll wait, literally until the middle of the night when the children are asleep, and I'll take my extra garbage and I'll put it in the can!"
The 31-year-old beauty also revealed her bizarre obsession runs in the family.
She added to US TV chat show host Ellen DeGeneres: "At Christmas time, I was talking to my brother, and I was like, 'Sometimes I sneak out the garbage and I put it in other people's cans.'
"And he goes, 'So do I!' I'm so embarrassed, but it's so true. I just feel better after telling someone!"
We just saw the trailer for
Penelope last night, and we were going to make a joke about trash and the movie (there would have probably been a reference to used kitty litter in there somewhere), but we've decided that would just be too easy. So make up your own damn joke. C'mon, it'll be fun. See how many Reese movies you can compare to items of refuse. We suggest you start with
Overnight Delivery. Just ignore the fact that it costars Paul Rudd. He's made mistakes. Big, Eva Longoria-shaped mistakes.
February 12, 2008
Reese Witherspoon Really Hopes Her Children Suffer

Most moms want their kids to be loved and appreciated and accepted. Not
Reese Witherspoon. She's hoping that her kids will be called Withered Poon or PhillipGAY or Doodiehead (yes, Doodiehead). Our own Nellie Oleson,
FemaleFirst, scoops:
Reese Witherspoon wants her children to be bullied at school.
The 'Legally Blonde' actress - who has two children, eight-year-old Ava and Deacon, four, from her marriage to Ryan Philippe - says being teased in school helps build character.
She said: "I wouldn't want my children to miss out on any of that teasing and bullying - don't you think it kind of makes you who you are? This drives me crazy about today. Everyone wins the award and then, you know, everybody is a Most Valuable Player (MVP)? No! They're not! OK?
"I distinctly recall the two weeks of crying because I didn't make the softball team. It made me interesting. Hopefully, it helps kids really understand who they are. You know, figure out who they are."
Reese went on to say, "I hope my kids get slapped and punched and swirlied and someone smears dog feces in their hair and sneaks rat poison into their Oatmeal Cream Pies. That stuff really builds
character."
January 23, 2008
No Poon from Witherspoon. Ever Again.
Reese Witherspoon: award-winning actress,
joyless gorgon, refuser of onscreen nudity. She recently sniped to UK
Glamour:
"If [actresses] take their clothes off, they objectify themselves. I am flabbergasted by how many legitimate actresses do it . . . I am a role model for my children."
Well, la-di-da, your highness. I guess we should expect as much from someone with the last name "Witherspoon", which conjures up appetizing images of retreating boners and of aged, diseased poons. She may as well call herself Reese Flaccidlance. Or Reese Wizenedwomb. Yes, Reese Wizenedwomb. That's a pretty name.
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January 18, 2008
Ryan Phillippe Is a Jealous Crybaby

"Wah! My son likes his closeted gay almost step-daddy better than he likes his closeted gay real daddy! Wah!" So says
Ryan Phillippe, according to
OK! (via
Celebitchy):
According to a family friend, the kids love Jake so much that when it’s time for Reese to hand them over to Ryan, little Deacon can’t stop talking about Jake. “It’s Jake did this, Jake brought mommy flowers and coffee, Jake says we should recycle,” the friend tells OK!
It’s reportedly taking it’s toll on Ryan. “Ryan called Reese and suggested she stop letting him (Jake) spend so much time with the kids,” the insider tells OK! “He was pretty irate on the phone. Reese barely let him finish the sentence before she shot back that what she does with her personal life is her business.”
We can see how that would get pretty annoying. A three-year-old constantly bragging, "Jake smells like bubblegum, Jake has a picture of George Clooney in his wallet, Jake says you're responsible for the destruction of the rainforest," would really get on your nerves.
And in other Reese news, yesterday WENN brought us this headline: "
Witherspoon's Eye Blister Stops Shooting." Well, thank God. It could've hit someone. And blood leaves a stain. Just look at Britney.
November 29, 2007
Gyllenspoon Pretend To Do It in an Airplane Bathroom
Reese Witherspoon and
Jake Gyllenhaal are so totally in love/committed to their sham relationship that they made the whoopie/braided each other's hair in an airplane bathroom.
Showbiz Spy reports:
Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal may have joined the ‘Mile High Club’.
The Hollywood couple allegedly spent more than ten-minutes together inside an airplane bathroom, according to U.S reports.
Witherspoon, 31, and Jake, 26, were flying together from Frankfurt, Germany, to Los Angeles after a trip to the Rome Film Festival.
“Reese was dressed in all black and wearing shades when she and about six handlers entered Lufthansa’s first class lounge,” an eyewitness told Star magazine.
“It wasn’t until she was already on the plane that we realized Jake, also dressed in black, had boarded separately.”
After the two-hour flight from Rome to Frankfurt, the lovebirds were transferred to their trans-Atlantic connection on a special bus. Once onboard the group occupied ten out of 16 seats in the first class section of the 747 plane.
“Reese and Jake kissed and cuddled together under a blanket in her recliner seat in the back row,” the witness continued.
Three hours into the flight, Reese reportedly got up from her seat and walked forward to the toilet. Two minutes later Jake got up and allegedly walked into the same bathroom. “I started timing them - they were together in there for 11-minutes,” the witness told Star.
Jake came out of the bathroom first, and Reese reportedly followed him three-minutes later. “When they each walked by, it seemed like everyone in their entourage took pains to look away.
“Jake worked on his laptop, and then he and Reese took a nap side by side.”
Well, first of all, Jake obviously has a
bathroom fetish. But what exactly could he do with a girl in a water closet that would satisfy his urges? Get advice on applying liquid eye liner? Trade snickerdoodle recipes? Douche?
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October 24, 2007
Ohmigod, Reese and Jake Are, Like, So Doing It!

Ohmigod,
Reese and
Jake are, like, so the perfect couple! Ohmigodohmigodohmigod! I can't believe they are
really, really dating! This is so exciting! I hope they get married and have lots of cute little babies and make movies together about, like, really pretty rich people who adopt injured puggles or squirrels or bunnies or something. Ohmigod, this is, like, so awesome! We were so wrong about that
Toothy Tile thing. Jake obviously loves snatch.
June 21, 2007
Gyllenhaal Debeards Again

Hey, did you remember that
Reese Witherspoon and
Jake Gyllenhaal were supposedly porking? We didn't. They're kind of like the relationship equivalent of
Julia Roberts's
belly full o' fetus and a Cinderella song all wrapped in one: we didn't know what we had until it was gone. Reports
Us Weekly:
Though sources say the duo, who began dating in March (five months after her split from Ryan Phillippe, 32), had been getting serious in recent weeks – he bonded with her two kids and met her mom – Us Weekly has learned the couple have cooled.
“She has either called it off or is just taking a break,” says a Witherspoon source.
The hitch? If may have been too much, too soon for the actress, 31, still smarting from her divorce.
“She cares for Jake, but the timing is crappy,” says the insider. “She doesn’t have enough emotional space for him right now.”
Sources say the star – who has been hunkering down at home because “she’s worried that when she’s in public, everyone’s talking about her failed marriage” – is staying strong for the kids.
Alas, it seems it will be just the three of them for a while longer.
A source says that Gyllenhaal recently told a buddy: “I’m single.”
We're sorry we just can't muster up any enthusiasm for the mingling (or de-mingling, as it were) of groins between two people who are reportedly a joyless fun murderer (her) and a castoff from Matthew McConaughey's boy toy collection (him). Also, it's just like us to lose interest in Jake just moments after we've finally learned how to spell Gyllenhaal. We guess that "Spell Difficult Surnames" class we took at the learning annex was a waste of $49.95 and a Friday afternoon.
more »
March 29, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: She Wants to Be The Girl with the Least Cake

•
Courtney Love, in a
bikini, weighing less than her 12-year-old daughter. That's what
making out with Bruce Willis will do to a body. It
happened to Lohan, now it's happening again.
•
Uma Thurman's one-piece
strains against the weight of her Nordic kahooblies.
•
Owen Wilson and
Kate Hudson's illicit extramarital blonde people love is
not going so hot.
• Kate's mom
Goldie Hawn distracts us from her daughter's love life by
erecting her nipples as if they were geriatric antennae 'neath her top.
•
Rose McGowan barred her
Grindhouse costars from
wearing red to its premiere so that she would be the only scarlet lady. And then she gazed into her mystical mirror to ask who was the fairest, and beat her adopted children with wire hangers.
• I'mmmmm a Puffy Doodle Daddy, Puffy
do it all the daaaaaayyyyy!
•
Catherine Zeta-Jones slowly
realizing that her husband is eighty.
• Jael from
America's Next Top Model has slurred her way into our hearts and
out of her clothes (NSFW)!
•
Paris Hilton swings
open the doors to her Valtrex-tinged mantrap and waves
Desperate Housewives bit player Josh Henderson past the velvet rope.
•
Cruznett!
•
Gyllenspoon!
January 16, 2007
Reese Witherspoon Dresses as "I'm Single" Billboard for Globes

Hey boys, it's me,
Reese Witherspoon. Have you heard that I'm single? Oh, you have? And you also heard that I'm a colossal bore and a
total bitch? Yeah, I heard that rumor was going around about me. But seriously, it wasn't me. It was
Ryan. He always got mad at me if I smiled or drank champagne or asked someone how their mom was doing or anything nice like that. And meanwhile he was drunk and hitting on every girl under thirty and trying to moon everybody. So I dumped him. And now I'm single! Can't you tell by the dress? No more frilly princess dresses for me, no sir. I'm hot and available and I want everyone to know it. Which guys are hot and single? Gyllenhaal's out, if you know what I mean. Is George Clooney too old for me? No, I could pull it off. Or maybe Timberlake would be a better choice, publicity wise. C'mon boys, make your best pitch and I'll consider it.
more »
November 08, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "All the Women He’s Been With Are Dirty Rats."
•
Elle Macpherson's still
got it! Believe the hype, feel the magic, catch the wave, etc., etc.
•
Anna Nicole sold the video of her
C-section to
Entertainment Tonight for $1 million. OK, so for those who like to keep count: she sold the last pictures of her with her son, she sold the pictures of her
"commitment ceremony" to lawyer/barnacle
Howard K. Stern, she sold the (incredibly bloody and brutal) video of her baby's birth. Next on the auction block: the baby.
• Moby hopes that if and when he has children, they will
turn out gay. Gay children everywhere are hoping that if and when they are sired, it won't be to Moby.
•
Ryan Phillippe says, in regards to rumors that he cheated on
Reese Witherspoon, “I’m not a perfect person, but
I’m not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of.” He's not guilty of a lot of those things. Just a bunch of them. A passel, if you will.
•
Lindsay Lohan has been
rear-ended. Has she
ever!
•
Sienna Miller gets revenge on Pittsburgh by
showing her boobs. That'll learn 'em.
•
Jordan (sweet, sweet Jordan) says that husband Peter Andre's past as a
schtupper of tramps makes her sick. Apparently, she feels fine about him being a present schtupper of one tramp.
•
Jessica Simpson makes with the
cleavage; jazz hands.
November 01, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "Like Women Everywhere"
• Is Australian actress
Abbie Cornish the
real reason behind the
Reese/
Ryan breakup? That would mark the second time Ryan's fallen for a blonde with an incredibly silly last name. At least he's consistent.
• Sumner Redstone says that he dropped
Tom Cruise's contract because his wife, Paula,
"like women everywhere, had come to hate him." Ouch, and hahahahaha.
•
Cindy Margolis is
in Playboy. And her bod makes us hum Bob Seger's "Like a Rock".
• The drummer for McFly (who?) has been bragging to anyone who'll listen that he has
felt the gently licking flames of
Lohan's firecrotch. Yeeeeah, that's like bragging that you ate food once, or that you sometimes blink.
• Step aside, Brangelina! Take a hike, Bennifer! Let's all give a warm welcome to . . .
Tophvanka Grump!
• If there's anything U.S. Marines hate, it's being in the
presence of a large-breasted, blonde,
ultra-famous porn star.
•
Katie Holmes recently ran into
Brooke Shields and
stopped to chat. Afterwards, her
handler best friend ever threw a burlap sack over her head, threw her in the back of a Brinks security van, drove her to a secluded location 4 miles beneath the earth's crust, and subjected her to 72 straight hours of deprogramming and delousing.
•
Heidi Klum: finally, a celebrity who ain't afraid to get a
little scary for the sake of Halloween. Nicely done.
•
Patrick Dempsey's ex-wife, whom he married when he was 21 and she was the 48-year-old stepmother of his best friend, is alleging that he beat her during the filming of
Can't Buy Me Love. Hey, these actors are tempestuous, artistic types and often have trouble bringing their work home with them at the end of the day. Can you really blame Dempsey for feeling violent when he spent day in and day out in character as a brutal, sexist killer with a hair-trigger temper. Wait, what?
Can't Buy Me Love was about a mild-mannered nerd on a riding lawnmower? Oh.
October 31, 2006
Reese and Ryan Break Up; A Nation Weeps
A part of us died the day we heard that
Brad and
Jennifer Aniston decided to
end their union. A part of us that we can never get back. The part of us that believed in love. The last year has been cold and hard and ugly, metaphorically blackened with tar and coated with frost. And just when we felt we, like Gloria Estefan after her tragic bus accident, were coming out of the dark,
Reese Witherspoon and
Ryan Phillippe announce that they are legally separating. And the thick hoar grows over our hearts anew.
more »
June 22, 2006
Reese Witherspoon: Not Fat, Not Pregnant, Not Much Fun
Hey, guys, it's
Reese Witherspoon here, and I just want to take a few minutes to talk about the state of my womb, because it is TOTALLY EMPTY. And what
Star magazine said about me is just totally mean. I used to think it was funny when they would say that
Jennifer Lopez was pregnant when she wasn't. Because you just know that she goes like three weeks eating nothing but celery sticks and lemon water and then flips out and eats like four burritos and that's when the paparazzi catch her looking all swollen in the belly. But I'm not like that, I swear, I cook dinner every night and I eat everything on my plate, because I don't waste things. Because that's the way I was raised--in a proper home. So that's why I'm suing
Star. Because I learned a few things from Paul Newman when I worked with him on
that one movie where I showed my tits--which I will NEVER do again, so stop asking me--and the most important thing is to not take any shit from so-called journalists. Because I will always make more money than they do, which makes me better than them.
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March 27, 2006
At Least Shitting on Reese Witherspoon Is a Better Use of Time Than Employing Ben Affleck
We hope that you had a fun-filled weekend, because it doesn't look like any celebrities did. There's still no TomKat (fake, alien) baby, Lindsay Lohan didn't get coked out and fall down the stairs at whichever club is days away from becoming so last week (or we didn't hear about it), and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt didn't adopt the entire orphan population of Borneo. Pretty mundane really. Except for Kevin Smith calling
Reese Witherspoon a cunt. That was a bit exciting.
more »
February 08, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: An Army of Hookers
• Jermaine Dupri says that his girlfriend
Janet Jackson purposely got all lumpy and
lardy for an indie film role that fell through. We're totally stealing that excuse.
• Don't fuck with
Reese Witherspoon. Unless you're into
dying.
•
Kate Moss proves that supermodels actually have
brains!
• She also proves she has
a nipple. Again.
•
Heather Locklear allegedly was prompted to file for divorce when she
discovered some racy emails and provocative pictures some dame had sent to her husband. Damn you, MySpace!!!
•
Denise Richards recently got an AIDS test, her fears reportedly sparked after discovering that now-estranged husband
Charlie Sheen paid for an "
army of hookers". Soon to be deployed to Iraq?
• In case you were wondering,
Fergie is still
fergly.
• This guy's
Maddox Jolie tattoo actually makes us feel pretty good about the fact that we have Isabella Cruise's face inked on our ass.
•
Mandy Moore kissed Sarah Chalke on
Scrubs. We're not going to make a joke here, because fake lesbian kisses on the television are serious, serious business.
•
Val Kilmer has gotten so terribly corpulent that he actually
tried to eat Paris Hilton!
• Luckily, she escaped and was able to safely
slip nip yet again.
February 02, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: RARE OOP JORDAN BOOBS BREASTS JUGS EMO L@@K!
•
Katie Holmes: putting the "tard" in
"unitard".
•
Penelope Cruz dons the itsy bitsy teeny weeny
yellow bikini, sans polka dots.
•
Reese was like "OMG I totes
slept through the Oscar noms cuz I sooo don't care, whateverrrrr, tee hee hee" and then
Heath and
Michelle were all "Oh like us too, that illegitimate baby of ours can be a real shit so we were catching some Z's and like we got nominated and
didn't even know it cuz we are sooo coooool LOL" and then we were like, "shut up, asswipes."
•
Elle MacPherson toasts her tater tots in the sun. Again. Plus bonus
Kylie Minogue shots (maybe old, but those breasts look perfectly healthy and cancer-free to us).
• Love is blind. Really, really, really blind: Zach Braff and
Mandy Moore to
wed.
• Crazy, cardboard-colored, bewigged
Jordan is going to update her tits, trading her 32FFs for a more "pert" pair, and selling the old ones on eBay (natch). "I've had them eight years now," she says of her old pair. That's like 48 in fake tit years.
•
Lisa Loeb ponies up
a little bra to match the thong. Either she's really desperate for attention or she just likes to show off her underoos. Either way, you have an erection.
January 20, 2006
Celebrities Have Better Sex than You (Oh, and More Money)
When you woke up this morning you thought to yourself, "Gee, I really wish I knew what the sexual habits of celebrities were." (And frankly we're proud of you for managing to keep your sick-ass perversions in check this morning. Not like yesterday when your first thought upon waking involved Liza Minnelli getting fucked in the ass with a parsnip. Seriously, dude, get some help.) You're in luck, my friend, as today we can bring you news of the sexual stylings of
Drew Barrymore and
Reese Witherspoon. With their respective men. Not with each other. Sorry to get your hopes up there.
more »
April 26, 2005
Reese Witherspoon: Fun's Enemy
Aha! NOW we know why poor Ryan Phillippe has been photographed, alone, looking so very, very dour lately: his wife is a humorless old fuddy-duddy. Being forced to be serious must be very hard work for someone as gay as Ryan.
Gay. You know, high-spirited. Jolly!
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