filed under: Ray J

If you are like Serge Gainsbourg (Which, obviously, you are. We can tell by your spot-on rendition of "Lemon Incest."), then you want to crawl into the non-dooty-bubble-containing hole previously visited by Bobby Brown, i.e., Whitney Houston's vagina. And if you ever get that chance, erstwhile Kardashian humper and brother to Brandy Ray J has some tips for you. Page Six tells the tale of two of Whitney's former willies duking it out with the written word:

As the 44-year-old diva with the legendary voice struggles to make her comeback, both of her exes have written scandalous things about her.

Her ex-husband Bobby Brown has come out with a tell-all autobiography, "Being Bobby Brown: The Whole Truth and Nothin' But," in which he details his and Houston's drug use and addresses the rumors of her bi-sexuality.

And now her much younger lover, Ray J, 27, has written a song dissing Brown and detailing his sex life with Houston.

In Ray J's "Boyfriend," off his just-released album, "All I Feel," which debuts this week, Ray J croons, "Is that your wife, is that your shorty, well I'm her boyfriend . . . I think the problem is you don't beat it right . . . Making love is cool, just pull her hair sometimes."

The feeling between Brown and Ray J seems to be mutual. While Ray J is more blatant in his diss, Brown tries to be subtler.

In his book, Brown writes:

"For those of you who want to know, I'm aware of the fact that Whitney had been seeing Ray J, a very young R&B artist who is most famous for being the little brother of Brandy, the multi-platinum singing artist and TV star.

"Their relationship doesn't bother me. She's open to see whoever she wants to see, just like I can see who I want to see. I know the age difference between her and the little guy is 20 years, but to each his own. The only concern I had was how our daughter felt about the age difference. As long as she's cool with it, it's fine by me."

At least Whitney hasn't starred in any sex tape. Ray J shot to national attention after he marketed a sex tape of him and ex-girlfriend Kim Kardashian in flagrante.

After that video was released, with Kardashian's blessings (she also rose to fame on the wings of the tape), Ray J signed a deal with Vivid Entertainment to direct porn.

When he started dating Houston, Ray J would take any opportunity to have a picture with the diva - and friends were concerned their love life would end up on the Internet, as well.

Did Bobby find Jesus or something? That's one of the lamest excuses for an insult we've heard in a long time. Only a love of the lord could turn the Bobby Brown of yore into someone who says "you're so much younger than me" and then congratulates himself with a hardy "Ha ha! Burn! I sure showed him who the man is around here!" I mean, when Zahara and Shiloh are exchanging more heated jibes than a celebrated "bad boy" and a sex-tape star, it's time to send them out to pasture.

This morning we found out that Kim Kardashian Superstar Part 2 was going to be released by Vivid and our victorious huzzahs filled the air. "Finally!" we thought. "The elusive tinkling footage is here! We'll finally see Kim playing the part of a dusky-skinned, bald-beaved, giant-assed urinal cake!" KimKSuperstar.com's release (hee hee hee hee hee hee hee) states:

The uncut version of Kim Kardashian Superstar runs over 100 minutes and features over an hour of never-before-seen footage. A trailer on the site promises added sex scenes and candid footage of Hollywood socialite Kardashian and her then-boyfriend, ex-child actor and hip-hop artist Ray J. The revamped website also includes a scandalous voicemail message from Kim to Ray J recorded just after Kardashian found out about the release of the sex tape."

Excitedly, we viewed the new trailer, rubbing our hands in pee-ticipation, only to get wee-wee blue balls! Where is the piss, people? Do we really need more footage of Ray-J saying, "HELLO?" into a phone? Is it totally necessary to include a voice mail of Kim whining, "You're sick? No, seriously? You're disgusting? And you wont, like? Return my calls? Actually? Don't return them at all? Because you're, like? Sick?" We never thought we'd complain about a preposterously pneumatic girl cavorting in a well-lit sex tape, but that was before rumor and innuendo tainted us with the promise of pee. We live in the age of Belladonna and 2Girls1Cup, friends. Anything less than quad anal while balancing a decorative bowl of loose human stools on one's back and it's like, ho hum. Vanilla. more »

In spite of the fact that Kim Kardashian still claims she is not behind the promotion and sale of her Getting Crammed by Moesha's Baby Brother sex tape--in fact, she says she's suing--more clips have been leaked today. And if these clips prove anything, it's that there is nothing in the world that is more erotic than a woman with, alternately, hair extensions glued to her gloss-gooey lips or absentmindely joggling her breasts while gnawing on a wad of gum in bed. You can check out the clips here and here. We're not going to host them here because her father is a hot shot fancy California lawyer, who, even though he died in 2003, would still be more than happy to get hauntingly litigious on our asses from beyond the grave. He'd appear at our door as a spectre with rattling, ghostly chains and say, "Booooooo! You've been served!" And we'd say, "A . . . a . . . a . . . g-g-g-g-ghost!" Great. Now we're going to have to sleep with the lights on tonight. Thanks a lot, Robert Kardashian as a ghost.

Uggggghhhh. We've been trying to ignore the hoo-ha about the Kim Kardashian sex tape because the name of the blog is CelebNewsWire. Celeb. As Kim Kardashian is semi-known only for risking chancre infection via a close Paris friendship and having a father who defended O.J., she doesn't necessarily qualify. However, we thought back to the humble beginnings of Paris herself, who started her "celebrated" "career" as nothing more than the gently retarded progeny of hotel folk with a predilection for dancing on tables with her sister. And look at her now!

Besides, Kim got peed on. more »

• You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, or you can call me Ray J, or you can call me the penis in the Kim Kardashian sex tape, but ya doesn't hafta call me Whitney Houston's new boy toy. Oh wait, yes you do.

• Friends think Britney is pregnant again because she is bloated, barfy, and "relaxed and happy". Sounds more like a few too many mangotinis to us.

• Keith Urban is out of rehab and on the loose! Now he can get down to the important business of realizing he has nothing in common with his wife aside from Australianism. Divorcewatch begins now.

• Mischakini.

• Brad and Angelina rescue orphans from life-threateningly dangerous foreign countries only to move them to . . . life threateningly dangerous American cities.

• The Beckhams are coming! The Beckhams are coming! And they're bringing nipples!

• Keeley Hazell seems to have lost her dignity along with her garments.

• There will be a formal inquest into the death of Anna Nicole's son, around the same time she will be forced to have her baby undergo a paternity test so we can find out if the father is her glassy-eyed money-grubbing lawyer/houseboy or the frosted-tipped money-grubbing paparazzo. And then she will find out that Larry Birkhead was her brother all along, and that she has a twin who faked her death, and that she actually has been suffering from amnesia this whole time, and is a Russian czarina!

• Halle Berry gives herself a titty twister. Why? Shrug. Just cuz.

• Paula Abdul explains away her recent Michael J. Foxish television appearances, and says she takes being a role model seriously. Too bad nobody else takes her seriously as a role model. more »