filed under: plays

With such demanding roles as Strung-out Supermodel, Female Club-goer, and Herself already stuffing her impressive résumé, Paris Hilton has decided to take her tang to the stage for some lady groping. According to A Socialite's Life:

Paris is set to star in a musical in London in which she'll play a chick in prison who hooks with another gal. The show is based on a popular Australian soap opera called "Prisoner: Cell Block H".

"Paris, who is said to have been keen to tread the boards in the West End for some time, is to star as an inmate in the production set in a women-only prison.

It is believed her character will be involved in a lesbian romp.

The source added: 'Paris is keen to stretch herself as an actress so she's happy to kiss another girl for the audience and actually thinks it'll be fun to play a lesbian. She'll also get to stretch her vocal chords and she loves that.'"

Paris to play a convict who makes out with chicks? Why, we're shocked! That's so out of character. She might as well we playing Eleanor Roosevelt. Such a stretch. We just hope this surely ground-breaking production pares down the script so that Paris's singing part is restricted to a few whispered and breathy lines and her dance moves include a pole and/or a table to make her feel more comfortable. Better yet, cut the singing and dancing altogether and just have Paris and another femme inmate groping and kissing and licking for the entire performance. It would sell tons of tickets and Paris wouldn't have to bother herself with memorizing lines.

• Patricia Heaton is a conservative, but her dress sure ain't.

• Scratch your head in wonder as you ponder the bizarre flap of flesh that resides between Janet Jackson's ubiquitous implants.

• Anna Nicole's former assistant, the beloved Kimmie, will be opening up tonight--for real this time--on The Insider. Pat O'Brien is gonna go fuckin' crazy with her.

• Anna Nicole will be buried next her her son in the Bahamas, it's been decided. Finally.

• Are Angelina and Brad presently purchasing the next member of their Benetton brood?

• Harry Potter proudly waves his trouser wand; doesn't make foreskin disappear. Make your own hung/horse joke here. NSFW.

• We had pretty much decided against posting any shots of the paparazzi bothering Britney Spears during her breakdown. But then we saw these shots/video of buzz-shorn B attacking a pap's SUV with an umbrella and had to share because 1. she looks, awesomely and deliciously, like her lesbian soccer team just lost a match and she felt compelled to deface her opponent's vehicle, and 2. we think she needs to call us immediately because we want to start an oi band with her.

Alternate entry title: "Hairy Potter". more »

We were totally skeeved out by the idea of Dakota Fanning getting nakedly raped in a movie. But Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter himself, nakedly riding a horse on a London stage? That's totally hot. What can we say, we've got a thing for wizards. more »

Why is it that the parents of famous celebrities feel the need to litter the earth with their pet projects and artistic endeavors? Why don't they just let their spawn buy them houses and spare the rest of us their over-inflated sense of purpose for having birthed such wonderful entertainers? We're sick of all celeb parents, but Keira Knightley's mum may cause the most wrath. Is Keira Knightley even A-list enough to spread her fame on to her family tree? We think she best be hording that shit for herself. more »