filed under: Petra Nemcova

As much as we love the British press and their willingness to run any story, no matter how dubious, we also have a wee problem with them, as illustrated by Petra Nemcova over there. The Brits love the word raunchy so damn much that they seem to use it at any opportunity. To Americans, raunchy means dirty, nasty, involving Paris Hilton. To the Brits it seems to simply mean sexy, as the Daily Mail describes that photo over there as being from "raunchy shoots" for lingerie brand La Senza. Now maybe we're jaded, but Petra looks awfully covered up to us. She's living in a post Britney's bared beav world, not one in which Jayne Mansfield is the height of daring sexuality. There's not even a visible areola or a stray pubic hair. God, what a prude.

Here's model Petra Nemcova at some event or another, gently spreading her legs a touch to unleash a gentle tsunami of upskirt panty action. Ho ho ho! Did you see what we did there, with the "tsunami"? See, because she was a victim of the 2004 tsunami. Get it? That's what's known as "provocative comedy". Like talking about AIDS and stuff. The kids love it! Sarah Silverman, eat your heart out!

• Jennifer Aniston is going to adopt a baby! So prepare to listen to your middle-aged lady coworkers coo and gasp with delight and talk about what a wonderful mother that nice Aniston woman will make. And then her publicist will deny the reports and it will all be over. Ahhh. (IMDb)

• Petra Nemcova, she is a lady without a shirt but with curious symbols painted across her mammary glands. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Britney holds J.J.; allows ass cheeks to devour bikini bottoms, as if they were a delicious chocolate cake. (The Blemish)

• Furthermore, Britney mocks Lohan on her website. Hey, so what are the heating bills like in that glass house of yours, B? (Celebitchy)

• Kim Kardashian will dance with the Pussycat Dolls. And her assplants will burst forth through her regulation lace chaps. As if they were a delicious chocolate cake. (D Listed)

• The Olsens turned 21 yesterday. Remember when dudes were counting down the days until they were legal because they wanted to sexually fantasize about them without feeling guilty? And then they turned legal AND turned into doddering Miss Havishams that smell like motel ashtrays? Hahaha, that was funny! (ICYDK)

Underwear model Petra Nemcova was nearly swept away by the infamous 2004 tsunami. Although her boyfriend died tragically, Petra recovered nicely and went on to . . . date James Blunt. And the whole time she was dating James Blunt, we kept thinking, "Is this it? She was nearly smashed to smithereens under the weight of thousands upon thousands of tons of water and swept to sea, yet her life was spared . . . to become the concubine of a liver-lipped falsetto purveyor of craprock? We felt empty. Alone. We wandered the streets like moral vigilantes, searching our souls for meaning. Did God hate Petra, or did he love the soft-pop crooning of Blunt so much that he lifted her from the waves, like a phoenix from the flames, to inspire him and become his muse? We admit that at our lowest point we found ourselves curled in a closet, the cold steel of a .22 lodged in our mouth, "You're Beautiful" playing in the background. Luckily, Petra dropped that Englishman like a hot nugget of stool and has gone on to prove why her life was spared: she's super duper pretty. And wears dresses that show off her fantastic pegs, nearly riding up to show a sliver of Nemcova nether-cove. We've discovered new meaning in the beauty of living in these pictures. They're kind of like watching our Rudy DVD.

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Merely uttering those five tiny words causes uncontrollable priapism in roughly 82.647% of the population (we counted). Each year, bright-eyed, rosy-cheeked innocents across this great nation race to the mailbox or to their local Waldenbooks, nether regions all atingle, gasping, "Who made the cover? Who made the cover? Who made the cover?" As it turns out, this year, everyone made the cover.


No, really. We're not being cute. Everybody's on the cover. more »