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filed under: Peter Andre

July 21, 2008

Jordan: Budding Movie-Mogul Genius

In the world of celebrity biopics, there are good choices and bad choices. Sissy Spacek as Loretta Lynn in Coal Miner's Daughter? Pretty spot on. Angelina Jolie as Jordan? We don't think so. It would probably be a better match to cast an ostrich in the role. As long as the ostrich had Mr. Ed-like lip-moving abilities. And volleyball-sized breast implants. Our own celebrity-impression specialist, FemaleFirst, says of the erstwhile Katie Price:

Jordan wants Angelina Jolie to play her in a film of her life.

The British model and TV star, real name Katie Price, thinks the stunning actress would be the perfect choice to portray her on the big screen.

She also has a specific leading man in mind to play husband Peter Andre.

Jordan said: "I do really want to do a film about my life. I'm thinking Angelina Jolie could be me and Keanu Reeves for Pete."

You know, we think that Jordan's casting decisions are so terrible that we're going to continue on with our idea of populating a Jordan/Peter Andre biopic with members of the animal kingdom. We think a badger could possibly capture the essence of Peter, as long as that badger waxed his chest and studied Derek Zoolander's Blue Steel really, really hard. Does the Academy give out Oscars for casting? Because we think we've pretty much got that award in the bag.

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August 20, 2007

Just Added To Jordan's List of Likes: Poop Sex

We would tell Jordan to shut up already about the gross intricacies of her marital life, but we're hoping that one day she'll actually stumble upon the one subject that will embarrass either her or Peter Andre. Maybe Peter likes to stick a replica light saber up his waxed asshole and shout out "Fuck me Vader" during climax? We can tell you one thing that doesn't embarrass them: poop sex. Jordan says:

"I have a wee on the toilet in front of him, but I'd never have a poo in front of Pete, unless it was a sexual act!"

Well, of course, Katie. Pooping into a toilet while someone watches is so much more difficult than pooping on their chest. We completely understand.

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August 17, 2007

Jordan Likes a Smooth Bunghole

We never thought we'd feel the need to write about Jordan twice in one week, but there's one thing that we can never, ever resist, and that's a waxed asshole. more »

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July 24, 2007

We Hear the Naming Ceremony Included a Pair of Crown-Shaped Boob Implants

You need a break from checking TMZ every forty seconds to see if Lindsay's been re-arrested for baby trafficking or running a white-slavery ring, right? You want something a bit less intense, and hopefully involving gigantic volleyball-sized boobs? OK, we'll turn to accomplished "novelist" and min-skirt enthusiast Katie "Jordan" Price on her new baby daughter.

"Her name is Princess Tiaamii. Princess because she is our princess and Tiaamii was Pete's idea because it's taken from our mums' names.

"We've put an accent over the first 'a' to make it a bit more exotic and two 'i's at the end just to make it look a bit different.

"We love it because it's unique, plus it means something special to us. I'm going to get a tattoo on the back of my neck with a crown and 'Princess' underneath."

We really hope that Flavor of Love is still around when Princess Tiaamii comes of age because she wouldn't even need a pseudonym. But as great of a name as Princess Tiaamii is, we think Harvietta would have been a more fitting familial tribute.

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June 13, 2007

Jordan Makes Naked Pregnancy Photos a Little Less Classy

It's to the point where if we see Katie "Jordan" Price standing at a Starbucks counter waiting for her decaf half-frap mocha chai non-fat skinny latte wearing nothing but a matching diamond tiara and necklace, we'd say, "Aw, isn't that sweet. She dressed up to go get coffee." Really, Jordan naked is as shocking as a Scientologist yelling, "You just wait till Xenu comes home, you baby raper." We'd be more shocked if she were seen in public wearing an ankle-length prairie skirt and a Land's End sweater set. But nonetheless we appreciate Jordan's desire to show everything off in a very Britney manner before doctor-ordered bed rest takes her out of commission. Also, doesn't Peter Andre look as if he's thinking, "She's squashing me willy, she is"? (For some reason in our head Peter Andre sounds like Ernie the Keebler Elf. And Victoria Beckham sounds like a Monchhichi. Our mind is a very frightening place.)

Find more preggo naked Jordan at Faded Youth.

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June 06, 2007

Jordan Plans Post-Pregnancy Poonplasty

Demure, conservative prude/beautiful angel from heaven above Jordan (also known as Katie Price stateside) continues to demonstrate her class and elegance by discussing what she's got in store for her lower biz after giving birth to her third child shortly: a Jenna Jameson-style vadge-job! She told OK!:

"I wouldn't be doing it because I want to be smaller, because Pete likes me the way I am.

"But, and women who've had kids will know what I'm talking about, sometimes you're not as tight down there as you'd like afterwards. Sometimes if you cough or sneeze a bit of wee comes out! I just have to cross my legs and hope it doesn't trickle down my leg.

"It's not really a designer vagina I'm considering, but I'll probably get a couple of extra stitches put in while they're down there!"

Oh, come on. Jordan has some serious chav-like qualities, and if there's anything chavs like, it's designer items. The question is, will she go for the Burberry plaid pussy, or spring for the Vuitton "LV" stamped one with the gold croc skin handle? more »

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April 10, 2007

Jordan Anticipates Fourth Boob Job, Lipo, Tummy Tuck, Botox . . . Oh, and Baby, She Supposes

There's been a large, dootie bubble-shaped hole in our hearts since Being Bobby Brown went off the air. Luckily, our favorite brown-bag-skinned, metallic-lawn-ball-breasted Brit, Jordan, and her small plasticine husband, Peter Andre, are bringing their special brand of E-list love Stateside with a new reality series for E! After the cut, Jordan gives us a taste of what we're in for. And what we're in for is implant smothering. more »

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November 08, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: "All the Women He�s Been With Are Dirty Rats."

� Elle Macpherson's still got it! Believe the hype, feel the magic, catch the wave, etc., etc.

� Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section to Entertainment Tonight for $1 million. OK, so for those who like to keep count: she sold the last pictures of her with her son, she sold the pictures of her "commitment ceremony" to lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern, she sold the (incredibly bloody and brutal) video of her baby's birth. Next on the auction block: the baby.

� Moby hopes that if and when he has children, they will turn out gay. Gay children everywhere are hoping that if and when they are sired, it won't be to Moby.

� Ryan Phillippe says, in regards to rumors that he cheated on Reese Witherspoon, �I�m not a perfect person, but I�m not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of.� He's not guilty of a lot of those things. Just a bunch of them. A passel, if you will.

� Lindsay Lohan has been rear-ended. Has she ever!

� Sienna Miller gets revenge on Pittsburgh by showing her boobs. That'll learn 'em.

� Jordan (sweet, sweet Jordan) says that husband Peter Andre's past as a schtupper of tramps makes her sick. Apparently, she feels fine about him being a present schtupper of one tramp.

� Jessica Simpson makes with the cleavage; jazz hands.

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