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filed under: Pete Wentz

May 29, 2008

Confirmed: Pete Wentz Into Ashlee's Vagina Sans Condom

ashlee_pete.jpgIt's official. These two dildos reproduced. Awesome. Fall Out Turd Pete Wentz wrote on his website:
"While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family.

- Pete and Ashlee Wentz"
So far, this fetus's father's greatest accomplishment to date (besides being in Racetraitor, of course) is having his ding dong pics leaked to the internet. And its mother is known for having a nose job, lip synching on SNL, and verbally abusing McDonald's employees. So basically we're looking at a future president of the USA or cancer-curer here.
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May 19, 2008

Ashlee and Pete Slide Down the Rabbit Hole of Domestic Bliss

pug_wedding.jpgWe'd like to extend a hearty congratulations to Amy Winehouse! Today she and her loving husband, her Blake incarcerated, celebrate one year of wedded matrimony. Truly these are fortuitous days for nuptials, so Ashlee Simpson and her stubby lover Pete Wentz picked a great time to make it legal. Reports People:
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz were married Saturday evening in an intimate ceremony, their spokesperson tells PEOPLE exclusively. “We’re delighted to confirm that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were married this evening in front of family and close friends,” said the spokesperson.

Simpson, 23, wore an ivory lace wedding gown by Monique Lhuillier accessorized with a diamond necklace and earrings by Neil Lane as she and Wentz, 28, exchanged vows in front of 150 guests at her parents’ Los Angeles area home.

Dad Joe Simpson performed the non-denominational ceremony, while sister Jessica served as maid of honor. Wentz’s English bulldog, Hemingway, was the ring-bearer. Guests included Jessica’s boyfriend, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden, as well as actor Donald Faison with girlfriend CaCee Cobb.
At various times, we've speculated that the wedding would involve straightening irons, hoodies, and copious amounts of cutting, but the happy occasion actually had a very different theme. According to IMDb:
The newlyweds celebrated their new status as husband and wife with an Alice in Wonderland-themed reception, with black beauty roses by Mark's Garden decorating each table. The wedding cake, by Sam Godfrey of Perfect Endings, featured a top hat, a tea pot, a stop watch and a pot of flowers on top.
Because nothing says "eternal love" quite like a anthropomorphic caterpillar smoking a bong.
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May 16, 2008

Famous People Do Nothing, Get Paid

pete wentz ashlee simpson drunk.jpg Your wedding and baby photos: You pay $3.79 at the Walgreens photo kiosk for a stack of glossy 8x10s. Famous people's wedding and baby photos: Magazines pay them millions of dollars to run the images for the whole world to see. That hard-won managerial position at Hot Topic seemed like a pretty sweet gig last week, didn't it? But to think, if only you were Pete Wentz, People magazine would pay you $1 million to show off your MySpace hair on their pages. That's a sweet gig. TMZ reports:
At least someone cares enough to pay cold hard cash for pregnant bride Ashlee Simpson's wedding pics!

Sources tell us People mag is shelling out "well over" one milllll-ion dollars (yes, as in seven figures) for pictures of Ash and guylinered Pete Wentz. That's probably more than she's made -- total -- from her "singing."

For their part, the mag says, "We're thrilled that celebrities continue to choose PEOPLE as the place to share their most intimate photos. We do not comment on specifics of any deals."
That's a lot of money to see some guy in a ripped up hoodie and skinny jeans mumble "Yeah sure" in response to "Do you take this woman . . . "

Also raking in the big bucks for doing a whole bunch of nothing: Matthew McConaughey. TMZ again:
Matthew McConaughey and baby mama Camila Alves are busy doing what all expectant parents do -- fielding million dollar offers for pictures of their kid!

TMZ has learned that McConaughey has hired "brand agent" Todd Shemarya -- who's already brokered deals for Brangelina and Xtina -- to help pull in some serious dough for photos of his child. So far, Mattyboy's gotten offers from three different publications -- EACH OVER A MILLION BUCKS! And the price is still climbing.

No word if the baby is a boy or girl -- but either way it's gonna be a cash cow. What happened to the bongo drumming, "just keep living" McConaughey we all knew and loved? Guess he's got to find some way to keep paying for all those shirts -- ya know, the ones he never wears.
The propmaster for the photo shoot may have her work cut out for her, as we're sure little Bud McC will have a toothbrush in one hand and a tallboy in the other. It will be so precious to see how much the little one takes after Daddy.
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May 13, 2008

Ashlee and Petee: Nuptials Are Nigh!

ashlee_pete_kiss.jpgLove springs a turtle. Or eternal, whatever. Lip-synching, rhinoplastic fantastic celebrity sibling Ashlee Simpson is rumored to be marrying her wang-flashing Fall Out Fiance, Pete Wentz, this coming weekend. Reports Us:
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will wed Saturday, May 17 at a "top secret" location, a source close to the couple told Usmagazine.com.

"Proper invites have not been sent out but instead guests have been given a save the date notice," the source told Us.

The rehearsal dinner – described by the source as "an intimate affair" for "family and close friends only" – will take place on Friday.

On Saturday, "all guests will be transported in shuttles to the wedding location," the source explained.

Regarding Simpson's upcoming wedding, her spokesperson told Us: "This is a private matter. There is nothing to confirm."
It'll be the emoest affair this side of a Taking Back Sunday tour! Those non-invite save-the-date notices were probably sent out via MySpace bulletins. The bride and groom will be taking their own wedding portraits in a bathroom mirror with a point-and-shoot. However, this begs the question: can you put Blingees on a cake?
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May 08, 2008

Ashlee Simpson Growing Two Succulent Babies--in Her Shirt

ashlee simpson big boobs 1.jpg Ashlee Simpson has finally cracked the code to success. She's tried and tried, to no avail, getting engaged, toying with the public's minds over a possible wee Wentz in the womb, but those tactics haven't helped sell records. But you know what works every time? Boobs. Put some nice juicy jugs in a man's face, and he's sure to buy your record. And we thought Ash never took big sis's advice (well, other than every good older sister's passed-down wisdom: "You can't get pregnant if you do it in the butt." Or was that just our sister?). Those Simpsons sure know how to use a set of sweater stuffers to their advantage. And if that doesn't work, maybe a quickie wedding will do the trick. Ash can't let Mimi steal all the profiteering publicity. Reports Hollyscoop:
Ashlee Simpson has a lot on her plate, a new album, a baby on its way and a wedding. The singer is set to have a shotgun wedding next weekend in California to her rocker beau Pete Wentz.

A source close to the couple has told Hollyscoop exclusively, "The wedding invitations have been sent out, its taking place the weekend of May 16. The location will not be revealed until the day of the wedding but guests are told it will be an hour drive from Los Angeles."

Our source also confirmed that Ashlee is 100% pregnant. Papa Joe is probably busy selling off the wedding info and pictures as we speak so expect to see it in the tabloids Memorial weekend.
You know what? We don't really care if Ashlee and Petey are getting married next week or next millennium, and we also don't care about the occupation of Ashlee's womb. We know gossip has been a little sparse lately, but c'mon! It's bikini season. Where are the dastardly waves plotting to wash away famous ladies' tops? Is Kate Moss the only lady of importance who goes to nude beaches anymore? We appreciate Ashlee throwing us the boob bone here, but knowing that her cavernous casabas come from a need for publicity and not a true love of funbag flaunting sort of ruins it. Plus, she's with Pete. Two boobs in one photo are enough for us.

ashlee simpson big boobs 2.jpg ashlee simpson big boobs 3.jpg ashlee simpson big boobs 4.jpg
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April 25, 2008

Ashlee and Petee: Robbed by Monkeys

pete wentz and a monkey.jpg We are sick of talking about whether or not Ashlee Simpson is carrying an emo tot in her womb. We will cease to care until we see proof; proof like a sonogram that depicts a tiny little guy-linered fetus with a flat iron in its hand. Until then we will talk about how Ashlee and little Petey Wentz were robbed by monkeys. Yes, robbed by monkeys, according to Starpulse:
Hot couple Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz were the victims of monkey thieves who stole all their designer gear during a recent Costa Rican retreat. The pair was staying at a hotel in the Latin American paradise when things started to go missing from their room.

Simpson explains, "We'd go to sleep and we'd wake up, and the maid wasn't even here, but sunglasses, my Sony, my favorite Wireseal hat, all this stuff, my favorite make-up bag (was gone). We were like, 'Where is everything?' We asked the hotel and they said that the monkeys like shiny things.

"That monkey has some serious designer clothes."
We love how Ashlee immediately jumps to "Of course, I assumed the maid stole our stuff, because that's what low-class servants do, right, stab you in the back after you've graciously payed them a whole $4.25 per hour? But she wasn't even there. I was so confused." But we're guessing that the thievery wasn't undergone by a band of monkeys, but just one simian creature, namely, the monkey Pete used to make out with all the time. He's probably been following the couple around waiting for his moment, and when he spied an unguarded door he snuck in and pilfered some of Ashlee's prized items, muttering to himself (translated from monkey speak, of course), "That'll teach you to steal my man, bitch." He probably also smeared some feces on things, cause that's what monkeys do.
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April 15, 2008

Ashlee Preglee?

pete_wentz_ashlee_pregnant.jpgThe other day, Fall Out Turd Pete Wentz and surgically altered sister Ashlee Simpson announced their engagement, but offered a "no comment" on pregnancy rumors. Yesterday, Pete told MTV News:
“There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me. I can’t wait for the story about how I’m really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover. … I mean really, this is crazy. … I mean we’re engaged, that’s true, and happy about it.”
Way to deny without denying, Pete. Some sources are reporting that Ashlee is definitely pregulated, some are reporting that she is absolutely not, but we think Yeeeah! has busted the case wide open:
“Coincidentally,” Ashlee’s new album drops in a week, on the same day her shirt line for Wet Seal debuts. The very same album that threatened to be overshadowed by Mariah Carey’s until daddy leaked E=MC2 onto the internet. Coincidentally.
Aha! Excellent marketing strategy, Simpson family. We know that when we go to the record store or peruse iTunes.com, the first thing we look for is not songs we'd be interested in or the hot hits of today, but whether or not the artist is under the age of 24 and has allowed an unsheathed penis to ejaculate semen into her vagina. That is the mark of musical ventures worth our cash. True, our CD collection consists of nothing but albums by Charlotte Church, Lily Allen, and Clay Aiken, but hey, at least we're consistent.
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April 10, 2008

Ashlee Simpson to Become Mrs. Fall Out Girl

ashlee_pete_prom.jpgAt this very moment, thousands of pubescent emo girls are artfully applying eyeliner only to streak it with tears for the perfect Myspace bathroom photo op. Why? The object of their stirring groins, Fall Out Boy member Pete Wentz, is getting married. To Ashlee Simpson. Ashlee confirmed the rumors via a message to Friends or Enemies:
"We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us."
The couple is registered at Hot Topic. Please take a moment to wish them well and purchase them a black KitchenAid mixer covered with studs.

Furthermore, US Weekly asked Ashlee's rep if she was pregnant and was shut down with a "No comment." When Ashlee and Pete's (hypothetical) child reaches that age when he or she asks the "How are babies made?" question, they'll have it easy, being able to say, "Well, when a Mommy and Daddy love each other very much, the mommy gets a nose job and then the daddy takes pictures of himself next to a strategically placed Morrissey poster to set the mood." And then Ashlee and Pete will whip out all Pete's wiener shots of yore, point to his penis, and say, "There. You came from there, honey."

pete_wentz_nude_1.jpg ashlee_new_nose.jpg

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March 20, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Pregalicious

fergie_pregnant.jpgHer bump. Her bump her bump her bump. Her lovely baby bump. Check it out. (Yeeeah!)

Pete Wentz says he one attempted suicide with a bottle of Ativan and some Jeff Buckley. Hell, Pete, if it's uncontrollable vomiting you're after, try listening to your own music. BURN! (Celebitchy)

• Scary celebrity faces. Poor Busey never gets a damn break. (Cityrag)

Adriana Lima beans! The virgin model gets nude for GQ. (Popoholic)

Kate Moss and her boyfriend sing and dance on Jim Morrison's grave. Then afterwards they made a slam book and drank a wine cooler and totally stole one of Kate's mom's Virginia Slims and pierced each other's ears with safety pins!!! You guys are sooo busted!!!! (FemaleFirst)

• Eliot Spitzer's paid lady companion, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, once Went Wild. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Is there a Jennifer Aniston tell-all in the works? We are on the cusp of finally, finally learning how she gets that glass-like hair sheen! (PopCrunch)

• Gaze upon the spawn of J. Lo! Admire them! Bow! Bow, minions! (Allie Is Wired)
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January 17, 2008

Ashlee's Dyein' for Pete

ashlee_red_pete_wentz.jpgStocky man with inky, oily black hair, monochromatic clothes, 1920s style under-eye shadow and a jaunty bowler hat. Paramour with ivory skin and flaming red locks smiling beatifically next to him. Nice to see that Jack White and wife Karen Elson still appear to be very happy together. Well done!
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January 11, 2008

Ashlee Bikinee

Ashlee_Pete_Bikini_1.jpgPete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and etc., etc.

Bikini Month continues at CelebNewsWire. Today's specimen is Ashlee Simpson, looking lovely in this little green number. We're glad she and Pete Wentz are relaxing and recharging, because they lead very hectic lives. Hectic lives full of rhinoplasty and hair products. Applying UV protective energizing creme gelée to one's MySpace coif is a full-time job, and we commend Pete for his commitment to his craft. Even on the beach at a tropical locale in the middle of nowhere, the bangs are razored to rakish perfection, the molding mud is holding them in a fan across his brow, just so. Good thing, too. You never know when a bathroom mirror and a Canon Powershot will pop out at you. You never know when the Cobrasnake will strike. Man, that was deep.

Ashlee_Pete_Bikini_2.jpg Ashlee_Pete_Bikini_3.jpg Ashlee_Pete_Bikini_4.jpg
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April 09, 2007

Vaguely Famous Celebrity Sibling Dating That One Band Guy With the MySpace Hair and Penis Pictures

ashleepete1.jpgHey, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are dating, or something. We can neither act surprised nor pitch snark, since it seems like an apt enough pairing, and we're not familiar enough with his oeuvre (aside from his dick pix of yore) to properly mock him while she's so far off the radar now that poking fun at her lip syncing or nosejobbing would just be embarrassing. A source spotted them at a club and told People:
“They definitely weren’t hiding the fact that they were together . . . They were making out a lot and they were pretty intense.”
"Pretty intense"? What does that even mean? How does one measure or note such a thing? "The hands dug into the ass with an extra-firm kneading motion." "There was something about the way she freaked him to 'Ridin' that was, I dunno, really urgent." more »
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April 04, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: "A Shadowy Flight Into the Dangerous World of a Man Who Does Not Exist."

knightrider.jpgUsher Raymond's life is unnecessarily complicated.

• OMG, KITT is for sale! For a mere $100K, you can own a 1982 Trans Am that doesn't actually speak.

Tori Spelling's new bundle of joy graces People, has mom's original nose.

• Large-breasted Brit (we're starting to believe that there are no other sorts of Brits) Lucy Pinder shucks bra for a magazine called Nuts. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Pammo Anderson brings back the slo-mo, running-on-the-beach Baywatch cleave ripple. And if you're not down with that, there's a cute puppy, so . . . hey.

• We don't generally condone violence or the issuing of beatdowns. But when it happens to Joe Francis, we're still going to snicker like Muttley a little, sorry.

Suri Cruise: silent naked weave-styling (last item).

Halle Berry celebrates getting her Hollywood star with cleavage, as everyone should. Yeah, we're looking at you, John Tesh.

• Hey, can you maybe answer a question that's been plaguing us for over a year? Why does Pete Wentz always, ALWAYS pose for pictures doing that "oooh, you baaaad" sneer? Is it because an errant fisherman caught him on his hook? Because that's what we're fantasizing.

• Take a tenderly lumpy journey through the bas relief world of celebrity lipo.
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January 11, 2007

Lindsay Ain't a Scene, She's a Goddamn Man Trap

Lindsay WTF.jpg Did we call it yesterday or what? From The New York Daily News:
Hot on the heels of Ashlee Simpson and actress Michelle Trachtenberg, we hear Lindsay Lohan has become the latest starlet to hook up with Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz. No word yet as to whether she was turned on by Wentz's punching fit during the brawl at his Albuquerque concert Sunday.
Does our accuracy and supreme gossip know-it-allness now grant us the right to make up a totally false story about Paris Hilton infecting her monkey with herpes? more »
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