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filed under: Pete Wentz

June 04, 2009

Fight Over Wentz: Ashlee Simpson Is the Chump Victor

ashlee_simpson_is_drunk.jpg Generally a woman who has birthed a baby in the past year sticks to certain conventions. Wearing loose clothing to conceal the still-lingering baby weight. Carrying an overstuffed diaper bag filled with baby wipes and little baggies of Cheerios. Drinking shitloads of caffeine to ward off crushing exhaustion. But not Ashlee Simpson. Nope, when she leaves little Bronx with a nanny she gets shit faced, gives Bronx's daddy "disgusting" lap dances, and spews vitriol at anyone unfortunate enough to have touched the Wentz willy. Charming. Such an encounter occurred when Pete and Ash ran into Pete's ex Michelle Trachtenberg on Monday night. Page Six quotes an insider:
The evening started off very civilly. Pete and Ashlee had a pleasant conversation with Michelle and her boyfriend for close to 20 minutes, and even showed [Trachtenberg] some baby pictures of [Ashlee's] little boy, Bronx.

Things got out of control. An increasingly loud Simpson began to give Wentz a lap dance while staring directly at Michelle and hurling insults at her. She was grinding up on Pete like a stripper. It was actually pretty disgusting.

Things reached a climax when Simpson screamed at a confused Trachtenberg, "I hope you know, the whole time you were dating Pete, I was fucking him!"
God, what kind of a world do we live in? A drunken near catfight over Little Petey Wentz? WTF? Drunken catfights between bimbos should be reserved for someone like George Clooney, not the puny MySpace-haired bassist of some emo-rock band. That's like if we went up to someone about to throw out an apple core and started throwing a fit. "No! That's my apple core! It only loves me. It never really loved you. It let me lick on it the whole time you were eating it. It's all mine, mine, mine, you apple-eating whore!"
P.S. You best step off, Ashlee. Georgina would totally kick your ass.
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June 02, 2009

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pete Wentz Into a Bar . . .

pete_wentz_douche.jpgPete Wentz is such a multi-talent. He plays bass! He produces! He designs hoodies for assholes! He busts nuts inside Ashlee Simpson's womb! He shows the internet his dick root! And he owns a bar. It's called Angels & Kings and it's in NYC and apparently, it's a great place to go if you're still in high school but want to get wasted. People says,
Pete Wentz’s New York City bar, Angels & Kings, has temporarily been shut down for allegedly serving alcohol to minors. New York Police authorities closed the Manhattan East Village bar Friday amid reports that alcoholic drinks had been served to underage customers. The violations have been placed on the bar’s front door stating the venue has been “closed by court order.”

A spokesperson for Angels & Kings tells PEOPLE: “There was an outstanding legal issue which the owners are now working to correct.”
Honestly, what do you expect to happen? You open up a venue, blast Gym Class Heroes out the front of it, add a bunch of kids in butt-smugglingly tight purple jeans all texting in a line out front, and 15-year-olds are going to come creeping in. It's like going to Whitney Houston's house and sprinkling crack on her lawn.
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May 15, 2009

Bowery Balloo Wentz in the Works?

ashlee_simpson_bronx.jpgGod, it was gross enough when Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz reproduced the first time, does it have to happen again? We can't face more combined doucheskillet genes and embarrassing baby names. But PopCrunch says these two made another baby, with a mysterious source telling Star that Ashlee is just a few weeks along and doesn't want to tell anyone for a couple of months. However,
. . . another tabloid tattle doubts Wentz is ready to be a father once again: “He loves Ash and Bronx, but he also loves his freedom. He thinks a second kid could change things for the worse. He doesn’t want to be tied down and stuck at home all the time.”
And Ashlee?
“..She loves Pete and wants to hang on to him. She believes this second baby will really clinch the deal.”
Because if marriage and a baby doesn't seal the deal, just keep crapping out more until it takes. That worked out well for Jon and Kate plus 8.
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May 07, 2009

CNW Junk Drawer: Renee ZellWebster

reneehole.jpgRenee Zellweger says she wants a man like a dictionary. Long and hard? Hoo ha! (FemaleFirst)

Lily Allen shittalks half of England. We're in love. (Anything Hollywood)

Megan Fox as an awkward teen. Without the awkward part. (Cityrag)

• Miss California Carrie Prejean topless pictures. She hates gays getting married, but showing boobs is a go. (Celebitchy)

• Douche crown prince Pete Wentz says that Twitter is the "highest form of narcissism". Higher than taking webcam pictures of your tattooed dick root? (Digital Spy)

Kiefer Sutherland will be charged with a misdemeanor. Misdemeanor headbutting. God. That sounds so badass. (The Blemish)

• Jon and Kate plus 8 plus Jon's 23-year-old fuckbuddy. That's a good show. (Yeeeah!)

Ellen Pompeo his impacted feces bloating her belly. That or a baby, whatever. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

• Celebrity gossip mags for some reason feel the need to have Kirstie Alley tell the world how ashamed she is at gaining weight. (Daily Stab)

• Singer/model Cassie gets her computer hacked, nudes leaked, Twitters about it. Titters about it? Oh ho, how droll! (PopCrunch)
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March 26, 2009

Ashlee Simpson Likes Parties, Not Poopy

ashlee-simpson-pete-wentz-stupid-tools.jpg Poor little Ashlee Simpson. All she does all day is clean up poop, then clean up some more poop. But little Ashlee doesn't wanna clean up poop. Little Ashlee wanna party. Little Ashlee wanna get shitfaced and make out with strangers in dark corners of clubs like all of her friends. Poor little Ashlee. Says Page Six:
PARTY animals-turned-parents Ashlee Simpson (above) and Pete Wentz are having trouble with their new domestic lifestyle. An insider told Page Six, "Ashlee and Pete are on the rocks. He is going out all the time and she's stuck at home. It's just not working." A rep for Simpson, who's currently spending some alone time with her hubby in Australia without baby Bronx Mowgli, said, "This is not true. Everything is fine in their world."
We never thought Ashlee was the type of girl to carefully think things out. When Papa Joe said, "You should have a baby! You would get so much attention. You'd be on the cover of every magazine, and they would give you money to talk about how you got your post-baby body. And if you give it a really weird name people will never stop talking about it. It will be great!" Ashlee probably didn't think past that initial round of publicity. You know, to things like actually taking care of a child. So now she's all, "Little Petey Wentz gets to go to clubs and drink and party and hang out with cool people, and all I get to do is sit here with a stupid baby." And then Bronx is all, "Waaaaaaa!"
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December 17, 2008

Ashlee Simpson Is a Freak in the Sheets

ashlee_pete_douches.jpgSure, Ashlee Simpson and stubby penis-like Fall Out Boy Pete Wentz made a baby, so they've obviously had sexual intercourse, but we have a hard time picturing their coitus. We assume it involves putting on matching mud packs and painting each other's nails, reading Teen Vogue and then updating their MySpace profiles. But sex is what they have, and Pete is more than willing to talk about it. He went on Howard Stern yesterday, and E! reports its findings:
Ashlee probably didn't want him telling everyone about getting up to 150 pounds during her pregnancy, but at least he says the weight is “blazing off her—she’s a babe.” A babe with whom he has “an amazing sex life"...and this is where he veers into serious detail overload.

Their amazing sex life is in part due to Pete’s claim that “Texas girls are fun." He spares no detail about the first time they had sex—including the place, the mirrors and what he was thinking: “Oh, my God, you are banging the girl of your dreams.”

"We have such a sexual chemistry,” Pete continues (and seriously never stops). “Had we been on this show last year we'd probably be doing it in the green room."

However, now that they have a 2-week-old baby, not so much...yet. Instead, "We do other fun stuff. She's not ready down there."

Other fun facts about their sex life that we probably shouldn't know—but do now—include the specifics of Ashlee’s boobs: "She's a C, but I think with the breast milk it’s a D." And that she's up for anything (really, anything): "Let's just say my wife likes me to have a good time.”

Early in the interview, he mentions that Ashlee specifically told him, "Don't say anything crummy about me.”
While it doesn't exactly translate to crummy, "fat tits and does anal" isn't really considered the height of compliments in our book. Then again, we're not from Texas and don't have pastor parents, y'all!
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December 12, 2008

Babies, Boobs, And Hall & Oates Tattoos: The Simpson-Wentz Story

Ashlee_simpson_bikini_pete_wentz.jpg Ugh, slow gossip day. Celebs must be doing gross stuff like holiday shopping and spending time with loved ones and crap instead of going out, smoking angel dust, and banging each other. The nerve! So here's a few tidbits on CNW's first family: Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz, and little baby Flatpoint Balloo. First, Pete takes to the cyber-arena and bests all comers in the war of the worlds, letting us know that the rumors about no mags wanting pictures of Bronx Mowgli are bunk. He blogs:
About baby pics gossip: truth is like every celeb couple we were offered mounds and mounds of money by mags from here to Guam to pimp out the baby. We just don’t want to go down that road with him.

ps trust me he’s cute. he looks like his mommy.
Does he look like new mommy, or mommy's original face? We don't know, but we're hoping he inherited Pete's favorite feature of Ashlee's. Her tits! According to our personal breast friend, Female First:
Asked what his favourite feature of Ashlee's was, Pete replied: "I would have to start with the breasts!
Hot. OK, and finally, The SimpWentzes have asked Gym Class Heroes member/boyfriend of Katy Perry Travis McCoy to be the child's godfather. CelebWarship scoops the poop:
“I’m so proud,” Travis tells In Touch. “Pete told me I was treading godfather territory and two days later, after I met Bronx and Ashlee saw how good I was with him, it was official.”
Because when it comes to guiding youth, who better than a dude with Hall & Oates hand tattoos. God, Ashlee and Pete are such douches. "Douche is the only word that comes to mind when we see their names. It's like in old time cartoons when someone was gullible and taken for a ride and their head morphed into a sucker. Only we picture Pete and Ashlee with nozzled heads smelling of vinegar and mountain rain.
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December 11, 2008

Baby for Sale! Pete and Ashlee's Baby for Sale! C'mon, Somebody Please Buy Pete and Ashlee's Baby.

ashlee-simpson-pete-wentz-paper-plate.jpg Poor Pete and Ashlee. First everybody makes fun of their baby's name (personally, if we were going to name our kid after a Jungle Book character, we'd go for Rikki-Tikki, but whatever), and now no one will hand over cash to see the little emo tot. Maybe Us Weekly et al. weighed the pay-out against the hairstyling budget and decided it wasn't a fiscally prudent endeavor. Reports Page Six:
ASHLEE Simpson and Pete Wentz are trying to drum up some cash by selling photos of their baby, Bronx Mowgli - but so far, no takers. A celebrity weekly insider told Page Six, "Pete and Ashlee have approached every single celebrity magazine with offers to sell their first photos, but nobody wants them. Covers of them tend not to sell well." A rep for Simpson denied it.
Some might see this as a huge slap in the face to Little Petey and Ashlee, but we see it as a golden opportunity. If Star and People and the like aren't biting, this just may be the perfect occasion for Alternative Press or Pitchfork to break into the celebrity gossip game at rock bottom prices.
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November 26, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Twilight One Up for Me

kristen_stewart_pot_weed_bowl_smoke.jpgTwilight mania's at an all time high! And so is star Kristen Stewart. (ONTD)

Chelsea Handler may be posing nude for Playboy, because she's so popular and everyone likes her show, right? (Yeeeah!)

• Pete Wentz tries to explain his and Ashlee's choice of the name Bronx Mowgli. "We're retarded" is a good start. (Pop on the Pop)

Mariah Carey refused to drink a glass of champagne. In the celebrity bump watch world, that's pretty much on the same level as the baby crowning. (Anything Hollywood)

Dita von Teese naked in German Playboy. That isn't much of a teese. (Celebitchy)

• Average joes weigh in: who'd you most like to see in a lesbian scene? The answers may astound you. (Mr. Skin)

Megan Fox claims that she looks like Ted Nugent in a wig. Wang dang! Sweet poontang. (Digital Spy)

• Even more photos of Britney Spears looking hot hot hooootttttttttt in Rolling Stone. Hooooootttttt. Hot. (Allie Is Wired)

• Cleavage-bearing Rihanna in her usual robo-Gene Simmons wear. (Drunken Stepfather)

Karolina Kurkova's missing belly button: another mystery solved. Thanks, Encyclopedia Brown! (CelebWarship)

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November 18, 2008

To Ashlee Simpson, Foot Massage=Cervical Dilation

ashlee_simpson_drunk.jpg We're seriously beginning to think that Ashlee Simpson's uterus is lined with velcro or something, because the little Wentzlet just will not come out. Maybe he/she heard its daddy cooing about how he had the nursery all set up for the baby's arrival (baby-size flat-ironing station, MySpace photo booth, drawers and drawers full of skinny jeans, life-size Morrissey poster) and is too damn scared to leave the womb. Aunty Jessica is even droning on about how stubborn that kid is. People reports:
Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is so eager to finally give birth that she may induce labor, her sister Jessica Simpson says.

"They're going to have to. It's already developing really quick," Jessica said Monday at a taping of the The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

Ashlee – described by husband Pete Wentz more than two weeks ago as due at any moment – has already tried other ways to begin labor.

"Different foot massages and stuff," Jessica told DeGeneres in the show airing Wednesday. "I don't know. I think she's really just jumping around trying everything right now."
We know Ashlee is young and sheltered and a bit naive, but she knows that babies come out vaginas, right, not feet? We're a little worried that she ran into the pregnant man (btw, you can go away now, we're no longer fascinated, thank you) and is now all confused about the birthing process. Sweetie, he has a vagina, just like you. And that is where your little Petey Jr. will emerge from. So maybe you should think about a nice labia massage if you're really committed to getting that thing out of you.
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November 17, 2008

Baby Wentz Already Wentz Out of Ashlee's Womb?

ashleeaward.jpgA few months back, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz-Wentz claimed that their scion would issue forth on Halloween. That was wishful thinking for the emo couple, but it turns out that Ashlee may have finally dropped this weekend. Our personal gossip doula, FemaleFirst, says:
The 'Little Miss Obsessive' singer's husband, Fall Out Boy rocker Pete Wentz, was said to have texted his friends on Friday night (14.11.08) telling them the happy news he and Ashlee would soon be welcoming their first child into the world.
And on his personal blog, Pete types:
due to breaking news and scheduling conflicts i will not be appearing on larry king live tonight, though i am a big fan of the show and look forward to appearing on it in the future. i also look forward to the chance to continue supporting civil rights and speaking out against the passing of proposition 8 and others like it (im looking at you arizona and florida) whenever and wherever i can.
We can only hope that Pete took time away from his child's birth to text and blog. He is the poster boy of the MySpace world, so it's only fitting that he'd whip out his iPhone and twitter the crap out of that, and immediately take the just-birthed infant, cord still attached, and laden with placenta, straight into the bathroom for a pouty and extreme-angle photo shoot.
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November 04, 2008

Ashlee Simpson Showered in Pooh

ashlee_simpson_tight_face.jpg For the past four or five days we've been checking TMZ constantly, on the edge our seat, breathlessly chanting, "Is it here yet? Is it here yet?" "It" of course being the progeny of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, which was reportedly due on Halloween. We are so excited, we just can't wait. And apparently Ashlee is equally excited. So excited, in fact, that she was showered in poo. We're not quite sure what that has to do with human reproduction, but hey, whatever yanks your chain. Oh wait. She was showered in Pooh, as in Winnie the, not poo, as in the brown stuff that comes out of your ass? Damn, that's not nearly as fun. Reports our gossip proctologist, FemaleFirst (actual title of the story: "Ashlee Simpson's Pooh Shower"):
Ashlee Simpson hosted a Winnie the Pooh-themed baby shower on Saturday (01.11.08).

The 'Outta My Head' singer - who is due to give birth to her first child later this month - celebrated with 35 guests, including singer-and-actress sister Jessica Simpson, her mother Tina, actress Emmy Rossum and Nicole Richie, who brought her 10-month-old daughter Harlow.

A source at the shower - which was briefly attended by Ashlee's husband, Fall Out Boy rocker Pete Wentz - said: "She was glowing and insanely happy. Pete was so excited too!"

Guests enjoyed a feast of chicken and mashed potatoes, crab cakes, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, jicama salad with grapefruit and a bumblebee-shaped cake before Ashlee was given several gifts, including several outfits from Kitson Kids and a mini-Burton snowboard suit and matching gear.

Ashlee's friends and family were only given the time and location, Los Angeles Bel-Air hotel, early on Saturday morning in order to keep it secret.

The hotel's Palm Room was decorated with yellow and orange roses, and guests were given gifts appropriate to the shower's theme.

A source revealed: "They were given jars of honey, Pooh's favourite food, with custom-made labels that said 'Baby Wentz' and 'Thank You For Celebrating My Life' on them.

"The girls were also given bracelets that had a big bumble bee on them."
God, that is so not rock 'n' roll! Winnie the Pooh? Bumblebees? Honey pots? OK, maybe honey pots are a little rock 'n' roll, as long as Mick Jagger or someone is sticking his penis into them. We just hope that little Petey Wentz held his own baby shower for just his bros where the dudes gave him pitch-black onesies with pictures of naked chicks on them. If not, this baby is going to be so lame.
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September 22, 2008

Pete Wentz Afraid His Child Will Have Taste

pete_wentz_picks_nose.jpgEvery day we wake up and are immediately seized with fear and apprehension when the realization that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have reproduced hits us. Pete, too, feels apprehension. Apprehension that his soon-to-be-born child will not like Fall Out Boy's music. He says:
"This is the first record we've made that I'll be able to play for my baby. That's a lot more pressure than whatever my record label thinks of it."
Well, Pete, we'd say there's a pretty good chance your baby will be born with ears, so those fears aren't completely unfounded.
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September 08, 2008

Ashlee Has Two Babees

simpson_wentz_short.jpgOK, listen up, Hollywood. No more twins. Please. At this rate, the offspring of famous people will outnumber the offspring of Muggles 10 to 1 by the year 2015. The latest to be cooking up a fresh pair of infants: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. Aka the Wimpsons. E! Online reports:
Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz could find themselves facing another round of twin rumors.

Hip-hop artist Tyga, Pete's buddy, says that the parents-to-be are expecting not one but two bundles of joy.

“They’re having twins,” Tyga said in an exclusive interview yesterday at the House of Hype’s pre-VMA barbecue. “They’re really happy.”

Either Tyga spilled the beans or he’s repeating an Internet rumor that Pete started earlier this summer. In June, Pete sent the Internet into a tizzy when he referred to his and Ashlee’s unborn baby as “them” during an Arizona radio interview. He quickly denied they were having twins, explaining to blogger Perez Hilton that he was just trying to be vague about the pregnancy.

A rep for the couple insists only one baby is on the way. "It is not true," the rep said of Tyga's twins report.
What the hell is going on. We understand when oldsters like Marcia Cross and Julia Roberts and Nancy Grace and J. Lo have twins because they were lab-created. But Ashlee Simpson is, like, eleven. It's like all her fourth grade dreams of matching her Cabbage Patch Kids in cute identical outfits and calling them Mary and Carrie have come true. Only now they'll be wearing tiny matching hoodies with skulls on them. And they won't come from a cabbage patch, they'll come from this.
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July 31, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Slip n' Slide

marisa_miller_oil_slick.jpgMarisa Miller works the runway wearing the latest in swimwear and silicone/polymer based body oil. (F-listed)

Ali Lohan auditions for the director of Bun Sisters 12. (Yeeeah!)

Rihanna is easy, breezy, beautiful, unCovered Girl. In a see-through shirt. That shows nipple ring. (The Blemish)

Madonna is one step away from having Waylon Flowers's hand up her ass. (Cityrag)

• A touching, moving photo montage of Kristen Bell in her pantaloons. (Holy Taco)

• You can't beat Jessica Simpson! No, seriously. Don't beat her; that's mean. (Daily Stab)

• Superbad's Emma Stone is supercute. (Fatback)

Amanda Bynes is Nickelodeyummy in butt-stranglingly tight workout gear. (Drunken Stepfather)

• John Mayer will be the godfather of the SimpsWentz spawn. He will teach it to land hot chicks and make the most heinous guitar faces ever. (Allie Is Wired)
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May 29, 2008

Confirmed: Pete Wentz Into Ashlee's Vagina Sans Condom

ashlee_pete.jpgIt's official. These two dildos reproduced. Awesome. Fall Out Turd Pete Wentz wrote on his website:
"While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family.

- Pete and Ashlee Wentz"
So far, this fetus's father's greatest accomplishment to date (besides being in Racetraitor, of course) is having his ding dong pics leaked to the internet. And its mother is known for having a nose job, lip synching on SNL, and verbally abusing McDonald's employees. So basically we're looking at a future president of the USA or cancer-curer here.
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May 19, 2008

Ashlee and Pete Slide Down the Rabbit Hole of Domestic Bliss

pug_wedding.jpgWe'd like to extend a hearty congratulations to Amy Winehouse! Today she and her loving husband, her Blake incarcerated, celebrate one year of wedded matrimony. Truly these are fortuitous days for nuptials, so Ashlee Simpson and her stubby lover Pete Wentz picked a great time to make it legal. Reports People:
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz were married Saturday evening in an intimate ceremony, their spokesperson tells PEOPLE exclusively. “We’re delighted to confirm that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were married this evening in front of family and close friends,” said the spokesperson.

Simpson, 23, wore an ivory lace wedding gown by Monique Lhuillier accessorized with a diamond necklace and earrings by Neil Lane as she and Wentz, 28, exchanged vows in front of 150 guests at her parents’ Los Angeles area home.

Dad Joe Simpson performed the non-denominational ceremony, while sister Jessica served as maid of honor. Wentz’s English bulldog, Hemingway, was the ring-bearer. Guests included Jessica’s boyfriend, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden, as well as actor Donald Faison with girlfriend CaCee Cobb.
At various times, we've speculated that the wedding would involve straightening irons, hoodies, and copious amounts of cutting, but the happy occasion actually had a very different theme. According to IMDb:
The newlyweds celebrated their new status as husband and wife with an Alice in Wonderland-themed reception, with black beauty roses by Mark's Garden decorating each table. The wedding cake, by Sam Godfrey of Perfect Endings, featured a top hat, a tea pot, a stop watch and a pot of flowers on top.
Because nothing says "eternal love" quite like a anthropomorphic caterpillar smoking a bong.
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May 16, 2008

Famous People Do Nothing, Get Paid

pete wentz ashlee simpson drunk.jpg Your wedding and baby photos: You pay $3.79 at the Walgreens photo kiosk for a stack of glossy 8x10s. Famous people's wedding and baby photos: Magazines pay them millions of dollars to run the images for the whole world to see. That hard-won managerial position at Hot Topic seemed like a pretty sweet gig last week, didn't it? But to think, if only you were Pete Wentz, People magazine would pay you $1 million to show off your MySpace hair on their pages. That's a sweet gig. TMZ reports:
At least someone cares enough to pay cold hard cash for pregnant bride Ashlee Simpson's wedding pics!

Sources tell us People mag is shelling out "well over" one milllll-ion dollars (yes, as in seven figures) for pictures of Ash and guylinered Pete Wentz. That's probably more than she's made -- total -- from her "singing."

For their part, the mag says, "We're thrilled that celebrities continue to choose PEOPLE as the place to share their most intimate photos. We do not comment on specifics of any deals."
That's a lot of money to see some guy in a ripped up hoodie and skinny jeans mumble "Yeah sure" in response to "Do you take this woman . . . "

Also raking in the big bucks for doing a whole bunch of nothing: Matthew McConaughey. TMZ again:
Matthew McConaughey and baby mama Camila Alves are busy doing what all expectant parents do -- fielding million dollar offers for pictures of their kid!

TMZ has learned that McConaughey has hired "brand agent" Todd Shemarya -- who's already brokered deals for Brangelina and Xtina -- to help pull in some serious dough for photos of his child. So far, Mattyboy's gotten offers from three different publications -- EACH OVER A MILLION BUCKS! And the price is still climbing.

No word if the baby is a boy or girl -- but either way it's gonna be a cash cow. What happened to the bongo drumming, "just keep living" McConaughey we all knew and loved? Guess he's got to find some way to keep paying for all those shirts -- ya know, the ones he never wears.
The propmaster for the photo shoot may have her work cut out for her, as we're sure little Bud McC will have a toothbrush in one hand and a tallboy in the other. It will be so precious to see how much the little one takes after Daddy.
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May 13, 2008

Ashlee and Petee: Nuptials Are Nigh!

ashlee_pete_kiss.jpgLove springs a turtle. Or eternal, whatever. Lip-synching, rhinoplastic fantastic celebrity sibling Ashlee Simpson is rumored to be marrying her wang-flashing Fall Out Fiance, Pete Wentz, this coming weekend. Reports Us:
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will wed Saturday, May 17 at a "top secret" location, a source close to the couple told Usmagazine.com.

"Proper invites have not been sent out but instead guests have been given a save the date notice," the source told Us.

The rehearsal dinner – described by the source as "an intimate affair" for "family and close friends only" – will take place on Friday.

On Saturday, "all guests will be transported in shuttles to the wedding location," the source explained.

Regarding Simpson's upcoming wedding, her spokesperson told Us: "This is a private matter. There is nothing to confirm."
It'll be the emoest affair this side of a Taking Back Sunday tour! Those non-invite save-the-date notices were probably sent out via MySpace bulletins. The bride and groom will be taking their own wedding portraits in a bathroom mirror with a point-and-shoot. However, this begs the question: can you put Blingees on a cake?
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May 08, 2008

Ashlee Simpson Growing Two Succulent Babies--in Her Shirt

ashlee simpson big boobs 1.jpg Ashlee Simpson has finally cracked the code to success. She's tried and tried, to no avail, getting engaged, toying with the public's minds over a possible wee Wentz in the womb, but those tactics haven't helped sell records. But you know what works every time? Boobs. Put some nice juicy jugs in a man's face, and he's sure to buy your record. And we thought Ash never took big sis's advice (well, other than every good older sister's passed-down wisdom: "You can't get pregnant if you do it in the butt." Or was that just our sister?). Those Simpsons sure know how to use a set of sweater stuffers to their advantage. And if that doesn't work, maybe a quickie wedding will do the trick. Ash can't let Mimi steal all the profiteering publicity. Reports Hollyscoop:
Ashlee Simpson has a lot on her plate, a new album, a baby on its way and a wedding. The singer is set to have a shotgun wedding next weekend in California to her rocker beau Pete Wentz.

A source close to the couple has told Hollyscoop exclusively, "The wedding invitations have been sent out, its taking place the weekend of May 16. The location will not be revealed until the day of the wedding but guests are told it will be an hour drive from Los Angeles."

Our source also confirmed that Ashlee is 100% pregnant. Papa Joe is probably busy selling off the wedding info and pictures as we speak so expect to see it in the tabloids Memorial weekend.
You know what? We don't really care if Ashlee and Petey are getting married next week or next millennium, and we also don't care about the occupation of Ashlee's womb. We know gossip has been a little sparse lately, but c'mon! It's bikini season. Where are the dastardly waves plotting to wash away famous ladies' tops? Is Kate Moss the only lady of importance who goes to nude beaches anymore? We appreciate Ashlee throwing us the boob bone here, but knowing that her cavernous casabas come from a need for publicity and not a true love of funbag flaunting sort of ruins it. Plus, she's with Pete. Two boobs in one photo are enough for us.

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April 25, 2008

Ashlee and Petee: Robbed by Monkeys

pete wentz and a monkey.jpg We are sick of talking about whether or not Ashlee Simpson is carrying an emo tot in her womb. We will cease to care until we see proof; proof like a sonogram that depicts a tiny little guy-linered fetus with a flat iron in its hand. Until then we will talk about how Ashlee and little Petey Wentz were robbed by monkeys. Yes, robbed by monkeys, according to Starpulse:
Hot couple Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz were the victims of monkey thieves who stole all their designer gear during a recent Costa Rican retreat. The pair was staying at a hotel in the Latin American paradise when things started to go missing from their room.

Simpson explains, "We'd go to sleep and we'd wake up, and the maid wasn't even here, but sunglasses, my Sony, my favorite Wireseal hat, all this stuff, my favorite make-up bag (was gone). We were like, 'Where is everything?' We asked the hotel and they said that the monkeys like shiny things.

"That monkey has some serious designer clothes."
We love how Ashlee immediately jumps to "Of course, I assumed the maid stole our stuff, because that's what low-class servants do, right, stab you in the back after you've graciously payed them a whole $4.25 per hour? But she wasn't even there. I was so confused." But we're guessing that the thievery wasn't undergone by a band of monkeys, but just one simian creature, namely, the monkey Pete used to make out with all the time. He's probably been following the couple around waiting for his moment, and when he spied an unguarded door he snuck in and pilfered some of Ashlee's prized items, muttering to himself (translated from monkey speak, of course), "That'll teach you to steal my man, bitch." He probably also smeared some feces on things, cause that's what monkeys do.
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April 15, 2008

Ashlee Preglee?

pete_wentz_ashlee_pregnant.jpgThe other day, Fall Out Turd Pete Wentz and surgically altered sister Ashlee Simpson announced their engagement, but offered a "no comment" on pregnancy rumors. Yesterday, Pete told MTV News:
“There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me. I can’t wait for the story about how I’m really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover. … I mean really, this is crazy. … I mean we’re engaged, that’s true, and happy about it.”
Way to deny without denying, Pete. Some sources are reporting that Ashlee is definitely pregulated, some are reporting that she is absolutely not, but we think Yeeeah! has busted the case wide open:
“Coincidentally,” Ashlee’s new album drops in a week, on the same day her shirt line for Wet Seal debuts. The very same album that threatened to be overshadowed by Mariah Carey’s until daddy leaked E=MC2 onto the internet. Coincidentally.
Aha! Excellent marketing strategy, Simpson family. We know that when we go to the record store or peruse iTunes.com, the first thing we look for is not songs we'd be interested in or the hot hits of today, but whether or not the artist is under the age of 24 and has allowed an unsheathed penis to ejaculate semen into her vagina. That is the mark of musical ventures worth our cash. True, our CD collection consists of nothing but albums by Charlotte Church, Lily Allen, and Clay Aiken, but hey, at least we're consistent.
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April 10, 2008

Ashlee Simpson to Become Mrs. Fall Out Girl

ashlee_pete_prom.jpgAt this very moment, thousands of pubescent emo girls are artfully applying eyeliner only to streak it with tears for the perfect Myspace bathroom photo op. Why? The object of their stirring groins, Fall Out Boy member Pete Wentz, is getting married. To Ashlee Simpson. Ashlee confirmed the rumors via a message to Friends or Enemies:
"We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us."
The couple is registered at Hot Topic. Please take a moment to wish them well and purchase them a black KitchenAid mixer covered with studs.

Furthermore, US Weekly asked Ashlee's rep if she was pregnant and was shut down with a "No comment." When Ashlee and Pete's (hypothetical) child reaches that age when he or she asks the "How are babies made?" question, they'll have it easy, being able to say, "Well, when a Mommy and Daddy love each other very much, the mommy gets a nose job and then the daddy takes pictures of himself next to a strategically placed Morrissey poster to set the mood." And then Ashlee and Pete will whip out all Pete's wiener shots of yore, point to his penis, and say, "There. You came from there, honey."

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March 20, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Pregalicious

fergie_pregnant.jpgHer bump. Her bump her bump her bump. Her lovely baby bump. Check it out. (Yeeeah!)

Pete Wentz says he one attempted suicide with a bottle of Ativan and some Jeff Buckley. Hell, Pete, if it's uncontrollable vomiting you're after, try listening to your own music. BURN! (Celebitchy)

• Scary celebrity faces. Poor Busey never gets a damn break. (Cityrag)

Adriana Lima beans! The virgin model gets nude for GQ. (Popoholic)

Kate Moss and her boyfriend sing and dance on Jim Morrison's grave. Then afterwards they made a slam book and drank a wine cooler and totally stole one of Kate's mom's Virginia Slims and pierced each other's ears with safety pins!!! You guys are sooo busted!!!! (FemaleFirst)

• Eliot Spitzer's paid lady companion, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, once Went Wild. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Is there a Jennifer Aniston tell-all in the works? We are on the cusp of finally, finally learning how she gets that glass-like hair sheen! (PopCrunch)

• Gaze upon the spawn of J. Lo! Admire them! Bow! Bow, minions! (Allie Is Wired)
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January 17, 2008

Ashlee's Dyein' for Pete

ashlee_red_pete_wentz.jpgStocky man with inky, oily black hair, monochromatic clothes, 1920s style under-eye shadow and a jaunty bowler hat. Paramour with ivory skin and flaming red locks smiling beatifically next to him. Nice to see that Jack White and wife Karen Elson still appear to be very happy together. Well done!
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January 11, 2008

Ashlee Bikinee

Ashlee_Pete_Bikini_1.jpgPete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and etc., etc.

Bikini Month continues at CelebNewsWire. Today's specimen is Ashlee Simpson, looking lovely in this little green number. We're glad she and Pete Wentz are relaxing and recharging, because they lead very hectic lives. Hectic lives full of rhinoplasty and hair products. Applying UV protective energizing creme gelée to one's MySpace coif is a full-time job, and we commend Pete for his commitment to his craft. Even on the beach at a tropical locale in the middle of nowhere, the bangs are razored to rakish perfection, the molding mud is holding them in a fan across his brow, just so. Good thing, too. You never know when a bathroom mirror and a Canon Powershot will pop out at you. You never know when the Cobrasnake will strike. Man, that was deep.

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April 09, 2007

Vaguely Famous Celebrity Sibling Dating That One Band Guy With the MySpace Hair and Penis Pictures

ashleepete1.jpgHey, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are dating, or something. We can neither act surprised nor pitch snark, since it seems like an apt enough pairing, and we're not familiar enough with his oeuvre (aside from his dick pix of yore) to properly mock him while she's so far off the radar now that poking fun at her lip syncing or nosejobbing would just be embarrassing. A source spotted them at a club and told People:
“They definitely weren’t hiding the fact that they were together . . . They were making out a lot and they were pretty intense.”
"Pretty intense"? What does that even mean? How does one measure or note such a thing? "The hands dug into the ass with an extra-firm kneading motion." "There was something about the way she freaked him to 'Ridin' that was, I dunno, really urgent." more »
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April 04, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: "A Shadowy Flight Into the Dangerous World of a Man Who Does Not Exist."

knightrider.jpgUsher Raymond's life is unnecessarily complicated.

• OMG, KITT is for sale! For a mere $100K, you can own a 1982 Trans Am that doesn't actually speak.

Tori Spelling's new bundle of joy graces People, has mom's original nose.

• Large-breasted Brit (we're starting to believe that there are no other sorts of Brits) Lucy Pinder shucks bra for a magazine called Nuts. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Pammo Anderson brings back the slo-mo, running-on-the-beach Baywatch cleave ripple. And if you're not down with that, there's a cute puppy, so . . . hey.

• We don't generally condone violence or the issuing of beatdowns. But when it happens to Joe Francis, we're still going to snicker like Muttley a little, sorry.

Suri Cruise: silent naked weave-styling (last item).

Halle Berry celebrates getting her Hollywood star with cleavage, as everyone should. Yeah, we're looking at you, John Tesh.

• Hey, can you maybe answer a question that's been plaguing us for over a year? Why does Pete Wentz always, ALWAYS pose for pictures doing that "oooh, you baaaad" sneer? Is it because an errant fisherman caught him on his hook? Because that's what we're fantasizing.

• Take a tenderly lumpy journey through the bas relief world of celebrity lipo.
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January 11, 2007

Lindsay Ain't a Scene, She's a Goddamn Man Trap

Lindsay WTF.jpg Did we call it yesterday or what? From The New York Daily News:
Hot on the heels of Ashlee Simpson and actress Michelle Trachtenberg, we hear Lindsay Lohan has become the latest starlet to hook up with Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz. No word yet as to whether she was turned on by Wentz's punching fit during the brawl at his Albuquerque concert Sunday.
Does our accuracy and supreme gossip know-it-allness now grant us the right to make up a totally false story about Paris Hilton infecting her monkey with herpes? more »
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