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The Hollywood poop.
filed under: Pete Doherty
March 20, 2009
Welcome Back, Pete
It's been nigh on five months since the supremely clammy Pete Doherty oozed his way onto these pages, open sores weeping a sluglike trail behind him. Today, he's back and he's doing more crazy stuff with helpless animals. He already turned a kitten into a crack whore and manhandled a litter of newborn mice, now he threw his cat's tire-tracked dead body into his pond to rot. NME gives us the juice:
Pete Doherty has revealed that he buried one of his cats in his pond - but to the Babyshambles mans horror, the animal remained on the waters surface until it froze. The cat got run over so I thought Id give it a burial at sea - well, the pond, he said. But it didnt sink, it floated and then froze over. So there was this dead cat under the ice looking up at me. It was terrible.The cat dies. Then it gets thrown in a pond. Then its rotting corpse floats to the surface. Then it's entombed in ice for the duration of the season, like a feline ice mummy. The only way this story could get more depressing would be if Pete grabbed a rake to crack the ice and retrieve his cat, only to impale the pet on the rake's razor sharp tines, sending its frosty entrails sailing through the air and onto the face of a child visiting Doherty thanks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
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October 08, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Minnillo Licks the Vanillo
Vanessa Minnillo fellates a PInkberry spoon. (F-listed) Can't lose that last stubborn five pounds? Get gastric band surgery! Courtney Love did. (Yeeeah!)
Pics from Britney Spears's new video for "Womanizer". Lots o' wigs, and not a batty pink one amongst them. (Pop on the Pop)
Madonna bans Sarah Palin from attending her shows. Because Sarah Palin is a really huge fan of Breathless Mahoney and the video for "Justify My Love". (Daily Stab)
Miley Cyrus makes out with Minnie Mouse. Because that's just how she rolls, man. (Drunken Stepfather)
David Duchovny and his heat-seeking wang released back onto an unsuspecting pubic. Public. (IDLYITW)
Lauren Bacall calls Tom Cruise "vulgar", "sick", "ridiculous", and "a maniac". You forgot "short", Betty. (Exposay)
Nick Nolte's house burned down, and NO, it wasn't because he dropped a doob onto the bed, jerk. (PopCrunch)
Pete Doherty wants to perform in a rat-filled coffin. When asked for comment, rats said, "Ew, disgusting." (NME)
A party at the Playboy Mansion inspires Anna Faris to greater heights of promiscuity. (Mr. Skin)
Forgetting Sarah Marshall. But not forgetting the nipple patches. Damn you, Kristen Bell. (Don't Link This)
July 18, 2008
England Finally Admits Pete Doherty Is Not Upstanding Citizen, Issues Warrant for His Arrest
England is a magical place where one can walk around with a junk needle in their arm, carrying a cat smoking a crack pipe, and the bobbies just say, "Pip, pip old bean. You're looking a bit chaffed. How about a spot of tea, then?" Plus it's full of unicorns and hippogriffs. Harry Potter taught us that. But the one thing you do not want to do in Britain is run afoul of their justice system. If Blake Feilder-Civil can remain in the clink for this long for perverting justice, how long can they lock away upright chap Pete Doherty for not showing to court? According to The San Francisco Chronicle: A warrant has been issued for troubled rocker Pete Doherty's arrest after he missed a court hearing for the second time.Pete Doherty brought to justice? That just doesn't seem right. Unless of course England has passed a new law allowing co-ed jail cells and Amy Winehouse will soon be brought in on charges of possession of monumental amounts of drugs and the pair can find scabby, junky love behind bars. And if the British judicial system is in any kind of financial bind, they can install cameras and make millions off of the syndication rights of Crack & Smack: Love Behind Bars.
The Babyshambles frontman was expected to enter a plea on today for allegedly attacking a female press photographer last summer.
He was charged with criminal damage to Catherine Mead's camera lens following the incident in Somerset, England.
After a second missed hearing, magistrates in Yeovil, Somerset, issued a warrant for the arrest of Doherty without bail.
April 16, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Oh, Behave
Gisele Bundchen may be costarring in the new Austin Powers movie. Terrific. What's next, Adriana Lima in Mighty Ducks V? (Daily Stab) Eva Longoria and her husband want to invite Posh and Becks over for a foursome. A foursome consisting of slow and sensual games of Cootie! and Mousetrap. (Female Foist)
Debbie Gibson got a restraining order against her stalker, who sounds like a real Electric Douche. Haw haw haw! (Celebitchy)
"Deer dairy. today i went down and used the terlet at the Cogo's on wilshur bulevard. i plum fergoted my pantys inside! then i pixed up a
John Mayer's body is a wonderland. A wonderland of cliche tattoos like koi fish and waves and blooming flowers. (Cityrag)
Elisha Cuthbert puts down cigarette long enough to grab her own tit in Maxim. (F-listed)
Evan Rachel Wood's transformation into boyfriend Marilyn Manson is complete. Excellent. Release the bats! (CelebWarship)
Bret Michaels says that "My hair is combined of my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer." And all this time we thought it was Britney's castoff weaveage sewn onto a bandanna. (ONTD)
Pictures of Pete Doherty in jail. Hair product fashioned out of leftover butter pats. (Dlisted)
December 20, 2007
Cokeheads on Film Part II
Back in July we told you about the shocking, racy, totally sexy and raunchy video footage Porky Petey Dough-erty possesses of Kate Moss. It included such embarrassing moments as Kate singing. Wow. If something like that got out it would totally ruin her career as a really skinny person who can be made pretty with loads of makeup. Now Pete wants to turn the footage into a TV show and Kate is pissed. Page Six reports: SUPERMODEL Kate Moss has her lawyers busy trying to gag her drug-addict ex-boyfriend, Pete Doherty. The Babyshambles frontman is negotiating with Britain's ITV2 network to tell all about their romance and share his home videos of her in a documentary titled "Kate & Pete: A Love Story." Doherty, who split with Moss last summer, could make $1 million, a source said, adding, "Producers hope he'll let them use a lot of film he and Kate shot on camcorders." But an insider told PageSix.com, "Kate is furious with Pete. She has contacted her lawyers and plans to get an injunction to stop the production." Moss will be horrified if the tapes surface. "Some of it is really raunchy stuff Kate believed would never be seen by anyone else," we're told. "She'll feel betrayed."We're hoping Kate's lawsuit isn't successful and the TV show will air. Mostly because we assume it will be just like Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, but with fewer "y'all"s and pot and more "cheerio, guv'nor"s and coke.
December 05, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: The People vs. Teri's Piehole
Teri Hatcher is being sued over lip gloss. The American justice system: serious business. (CelebTV) Heather Mills (McCartney) shows off her strawberry fields, forever. Do you wanna hold her glands? You might have a hard day's night, though she appears to be giving everyone a ticket to ride, so let's all come together, etc. etc. and so forth. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
Cindy Crawford has cellulite. Whatever, like you wouldn't still masturbate with her discarded Kleenex. (Egotastic!)
Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty are making beautiful drugs together. No, wait, we mean beautiful drugs. Shit, not drugs, drugs. Ack! Beautiful music, is what we mean. Wait, no. No, we did mean drugs. (Yeeeah!)
Paris Hilton gets new lips; looks even more like Alice the Goon. (Derek Hail)
Megan Fox does the old Uncle Joey "cut! it! out!" (Cityrag)
John Maya is a str8 playa. (Daily Stab)
Scarjo did not chop up her nose, and if you say so, she will sue your ass. (Celebitchy)
Hayden Panettiere dons the 1989 soccer shorts; shows us her pegs. Make some sort of "score" or "goal" joke here, please. (Drunken Stepfather)
Porn star Mary Carey is auctioning off her recently removed breast implants. A "portion" of the proceeds will go to the Susan G. Komen breast cancer foundation. The rest of the proceeds will go towards abusive puppy mills, toddler sweatshops, and terrorism. (The Blemish)
November 15, 2007
Cokeheads on Film Part 28357928
Much like his lost lady love of yore, Kate Moss, Porky Petey Dougherty has been caught on tape Dysoning some coke up his schnoz. Let our gossip crack dealer, FemaleFirst, tell the tale:
Pete Doherty has been filmed snorting what appears to be cocaine just days after vowing to return to rehab.You know what's amazing to us? Not the fact that Pete Doherty cannot seem to stop doing drugs, it's the fact that he can't seem to stop doing drugs with a camera pointed into his face. We have enough footage of this guy shooting funky junk that he could have his own channel. Which, considering the WGA strike, ain't a half bad idea. No problem, FOX, just send the check to CelebNewsWire HQ.
The troubled Babyshambles rocker, who apologised to fans last week following his heroin relapse, appears to chop up five lines of the class A drug before snorting them through a rolled-up piece of paper and staring blankly at the camera.
One of Pete's friend told Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper: "He just can't stop using. He has been warned about how much he is taking but he won't stop. He says he wants to get clean but his actions tell a different story."
Last Wednesday (07.11.07), Pete promised to check back into rehab after being filmed injecting heroin at his Wiltshire home. Just days before he was filmed using heroin, Pete claimed he dreamed of using drugs again and was "mourning for an armful". It has been reported the 28-year-old musician is seeking help for his addictions, but only as a day patient.
November 07, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Matt n' Mandy, Sittin' in a Tree
Is our sweet angel Mandy Moore getting Binged? Oh Christ, NO! (Yeeeah!) Our favorite opiate connoisseur, Porky Petey Dough-erty, has returned to form. Now with video! (Drunken Stepfather)
And Pete's ex, Kate Moss, sports some really sharp needles of her own. (Taxi Driver)
Jerry O'Connell has hot wife; poor self-esteem. (The Blemish)
Famous nipples met flash, and a beautiful friendship was borned unto us. (Cityrag)
Leelee Sobieski is packin' mad mammage. (Daily Stab)
Jessica Simpson navigates metal grate in stilettos. Hilarity ensues. (Egotastic!)
Eva Mendes shills for Campari. Up next, CelebNewsWire promotes Alize and Blue Nun! (Derek Hail)
Rihanna and Josh Hartnett are doin' it: their babies will be large of forehead and beady of eye. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
Which is causing poor Shia the Beef to marinate himself in a nice vodka rub. (PopCrunch)
Rebecca De Mornay? No, Rebecca Dui Mornay. (TMZ)
October 16, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Digging for Nuggets
Inspiring photo montage of Tara Reid in various stages of intoxication: the Sweaty Man-O-War, the Crotch Weeper, the Sunny Days Trailer Park Special, the Buttafuoco. (Cityrag) Teri Hatcher is a butt-picker. A picker of butts. (Taxi Driver)
New Kim Kardashian sex tape footage coming soon. In your pants. Get it? Get it? Get it? Huh? Do you get it? Did you get that joke? Huh? Get it? NADS! (The Hollywood Gossip)
Pamela Anderson is not pregnant, after all. Yeah, who cares, we have J. Lo to worry about now, babe, don't bother us. (GlossLip)
Hilary Duff is a serious actress. You can tell by her lacy half-leggings and erect nipples. (The Blemish)
Megan Fox is 3000% more attractive without drag queen makeup. Now, if only she could wash off the David Silver with some Pond's, we'd be set. (Drunken Stepfather)
Wow, Scarlett Johansson sure is ugly. Isn't she a dog? Just look at her. Yuck. Man. (Daily Stab)
Yikes, someone get Pete Doherty back on the drugs, pronto. (CelebWarship)
Slice your wrists, get the girl. Kate Hudson is willing to give Owen Wilson another shot. In love. What did you think we meant? Oh, in the arm? Hahahaha, that's kind of funny. Here, take the keyboard, friend. (Yeeeah!)
September 07, 2007
Cat Crack Fe-ver, Neer Neer Neeeeeer
Christ on a cracker, can we please put Pete Doherty in prison already? Please? Earlier, we reported that Pete Doherty's cat was found to have cocaine in its tiny, fluffy system. Now, the picture at left has surfaced, allegedly depicting Doherty getting the cat high with a crack pipe he designed specially for his feline friend. According to an article in The Sun:
Junkie Pete Doherty is snapped appearing to give his kitten crack from a mini-pipe he made specially for it.Michael Vick is suspended from the NFL for fighting dogs; can we suspend Pete from the human race for cracking up cats? After all, it was only a few months ago that we saw Pete feeding a joint to a penguin. He's not going to stop until the entire animal kingdom is all zorked out on dope, like the crazed sheep on The Simpsons' "Tomacco" episode. You'll try to take your kids to a petting zoo and the goats will be rocking and scratching weeping sores on their arms while the rabbits dance around with glowsticks.
Sickened pals who leaked the picture claimed the warped rocker regularly gets the pet smashed.
One added: In Petes mind it is the only one who understands him now.
The Babyshambles frontmans cat Dinger named after a slang term for a syringe had five kittens in April.
The friend said: One in particular has borne the brunt of his drug abuse. Pete thinks its hilarious to get it wasted. He even made a special mini-crack pipe out of a bottle so it can get the maximum hit. But the kitten is starting to get really bad withdrawal symptoms. It has lost some of its balance and takes huge risks jumping over things that are too high. It thinks it can fly. Its really distressing to see.
August 23, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Duff Muff?
Bridget Moynahan gave birth to a giant football yesterday. (Celebitchy) Anna Faris makes with the cheek-smugglers. (Drunken Stepfather)
Jessica Biel is happy to share her chest chasm with you in FHM. (Egotastic!)
Attractive drip Adrian Grenier throws genital caution to the wind and hangs out with Paris Hilton. (The Blemish)
Christina Aguilera's baby will not go hungry. (Hollywood Tuna)
Sweden makes the call: Bill Murray is one beer over par! (IDLYITW)
Mariah Carey obscures breasts with lace grandma curtain; cirrus clouds. (Cityrag)
Lindy Loho thinks that rehab is serious business. You can tell by her no-nonsense hair bun and utilitarian mom-chic hoodie. (Yeeeah!)
The main peril of being a housecat is accidentally drinking antifreeze. Unless you're Pete Doherty's cat, then the biggest problem is a couple of bumps of coke sprinkled atop your Meow Mix. (A Socialite's Life)
Hilary Duff: womanly folds or crotch seam? (Taxi Driver)
Hayden Panettiere: now old enough for lactose bukkake! (Celeb Warship)
Jennifer Love Hewitt cries when she watches herself act. That's so funny, because we also wail uncontrollably when we have to watch her act. (Daily Stab)
Kurt Russell sports flaccid ding dongage and a solid B-cup. (Allie Is Wired)
August 01, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "Nasty Old Rag"
Nasty old rag Kate Moss might have to pay off ex Pete Doherty to shut him up. Ah, the perils of cracky love. (Celeb Warship) Paris just a hair(less) away from her 'tang-flashing halcyon days. (Drunken Stepfather)
Nomi Malone, in a bikini, poolside. Hopefully, after these pictures were taken, she doffed those espadrilles, hopped in the pool with that guy, and recreated the Showgirls floppin'-like-beached-salmon scene. (Hollywood Tuna)
Paris Hilton has not been cut out of the Hilton will, as we recently reported. Bah, life is so ugly and unfair. (IDontLikeYouInThatWay)
Courtney Love gets bedazzled. (Celebrity Puke)
Michael Lohan is such a great dad. He doesn't even know the name of Lindsay's new movie. (In Touch)
Kirsten Dunst is too drunk for America, but too noisy for England. (A Socialite's Life)
Hayden Panettiere picks n' licks. (Derek Hail)
July 23, 2007
Cokeheads on Film
Perennial CNW favorite Kate Moss is shaking in her moccasins over the prospect of her doughy, clammy ex love Pete Doherty releasing racy tapes of the couple's intimate moments. "Who gets custody of the sex tape?" is the most pressing question facing celebrities after a breakup. It's a difficult enough decision when the bust-up is amicable, but when one of the members of the couple runs on crack and heroin the way cows run on grass, it takes it to a whole different level of trainwreck. Yeeeah! quotes the Sun:
"There are still some bits and pieces floating about of Pete with Kate. "She has got rid of most of it. Six out of eight tapes have been destroyed. But she wanted to bury the lot before he could humiliate her by selling them or putting them on the internet. Pete could do what he wants with them." Referring to the video clips previously posted online, the source adds, "If they made that public, just think what could be on the tapes they held back."Yeah, those previously posted clips are here and here and involve Kate and Pete singing a song in an attic, and then Kate and Pete singing the same song while dressed in uniforms. Soooooo, yeah. If they made that public, man, can you imagine what's on these unreleased ones? Maybe Kate and Pete singing the same song while wearing badger costumes. Or Kate and Pete singing a different song. Racy! Anyway, do you really want to see these two going at it? He looks like a hairless, overgrown toddler. His dong probably resembles a crippled, sad mollusk trying to find a shell home. Man, that was evocative. We're deep! more »
July 03, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Ambien And Candie's
Scarlett Johansson dons septum piercing, (fake?) tattoo; dresses like Hot Lips Houlihan. (CityRag) Hunkosaurus Rex John Stamos blames his recent slurry interview on Ambien. Right now, David Hasselhoff and Paula Abdul are cursing themselves for not thinking of that one first. (Glitterati Gossip)
Crack-addicted, clammy, rotten-toothed, smack-shooting, overgrown fetus cheats on beautiful multimillionaire supermodel icon. What? (Yeeeah!)
Thanks to Fergie, product-plugging in songs is about to get even more prevalent. We can't wait for Jay-Z to namecheck Palmettos and for the new Avril Lavigne album, "Heartache and Kraft Singles, Which Are Made with 100% Real Milk". (Allie Is Wired)
Michelle Rodriguez does public chin-ups, though she probably also does pubic chin-ups. With girls. (Derek Hail)
The reason we haven't seen totally naked, total-body, high-def pics of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo full-on boning in a hot tub? M-O-N-E-Y. That, and the fact that no one really cares about 'em much. (Celebitchy)
More Megan Fox. Now, 22% more see-through. (Popoholic)
Eva Longoria has a serious problem involving an ass crack, hungry for spandex. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
May 07, 2007
Paris Hilton Sentenced to 45 Days in Jail; Celebrates with Upskirt Shot
By now you know that Paris Hilton was sentenced to serve forty-five days in the clink for violating the terms of her DUI and driving on her suspended license. She's scheduled to begin her sentence on June 5th. Some folks would take the opportunity to spend time with loved ones, some would attempt an appeal, some would flee the country. Paris celebrated the only way she knows how, by allowing a gentle breeze to hold her dress aloft, brandishing her cotton-clad crotch as if it was a defiant middle finger waving at the justice system. Off the pigs!After the cut, SEE more panties, HEAR about Paris's rep quitting, and LEARN who else had a run-in with the law this weekend. It's a multimedia adventure, like Dora the Explorer's Piρata Party. more »
April 05, 2007
Kate Moss Loves Pork Rinds, Will Soon Pork Rings
On this, one of the slowest gossip weeks in nigh on a year, we're grateful to our gossip prom chaperone, FemaleFirst, for a one-two shot of totally tubular headlines: "Kate Moss Loves Pork" and "Pete Doherty's Penis Piercing." The former refers to the famously slender Miss Moss snarfing up pub pork rinds, while the latter story tells a moralistic tale of Doherty's plans to become a 1994-style modern primitive with a rod through his johnson. However, we make no bone(r)s about our belief that FemaleFirst is trying to send us subliminal backwards-Judas-Priest-LP style messages. Maybe these two stories are interconnected. Maybe Kate's newfound insatiable love of pork is directly related her her love's need to carve up his hog. Maybe by "loves pork" they mean "loves poke," meaning "loves poking holes in Pete's prick." Kate is perfectly pleased to poke permeable perforations in Pete's polluted penis. more »
March 22, 2007
CelebNewsWire's Day in Pictures
We're having one of those days where we try to focus on something, but then we get distracted. Just a few minutes ago we were trying to finish our morning rails, when mid-line we looked out the window and saw a furry little bunny hopping through the grass. Our head darted up, we cooed, "Oooh, bunny," and coke went blowing everywhere. It was a mess. So we think it's best to let some pictures entertain you this morning. To the left, notice the deep and enticing cleave on Winona Ryder. Now hold that image in you head, because after the cut we'll be showing you some images of a more disturbing nature. more »
March 02, 2007
Even Rock Stars Think Kate & Pete Humping Is Disgusting
Like we always say, CelebNewsWire has so much in common with Kate Moss. First, we look fierce in skinny jeans. Also, we've been kicked out of fancy pants British music awards shows for humping our crackhead boyfriend in the alley more times than we can even remember. more »
March 01, 2007
Puff the Magic Penguin Meets Little Petey Paper
Sure, we've been joking a lot lately about celebrities blazing up in public, but Pete Doherty has gone too far. Too far! The New York Daily News shocks and enthralls:
Kate Moss' boyfriend Pete Doherty may have fed a joint to a penguin. On a trip to the Cotswold Wildlife Park in England, the couple gawked at Humboldt penguins. Doherty then flicked his hand-rolled cigarette into the pen and one of the creatures ate it as photographers clicked away.Perhaps old Pete took a few too many sucks on the glass d and, after a mega-high viewing of the hit animated comedy Happy Feet, thought he heard the penguins say--with the voices of Hugh Jackman, Brittany Murphy, et al--that they need him to make their feet truly "happy". Then they winked and nudged each other and lifted their flippers to their beaks to make the international sign for weed. more »
February 28, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: A Banjo, Some Clothing, a Gold Record
Just a reminder: Jennifer Love Hewitt still has enormous bewbs. Those pictures of AI's Antonella Barba smoking some dude's dork are fakes. But weep not, for it will still be entertaining to see the shame in her eyes as she belts out some Diane Warren song tonight.
When we see a headline about Paris Hilton getting impounded, we generally take that to mean "in the butt", not her car.
Naomi Watts is 100% with child. You know Nicole Kidman is seething with jealousy.
Cameron Diaz's butt cleave threatens to devour her bikini bottoms in one chomp.
Wolfgang Puck serves up a hearty lamb-and-hepatitis stew to half of Hollywood.
Dannielynn Has Two Daddies.
Britney's problem might be post-partum depression. Solution: make Jayden James pay.
"It was a dark and stormy night. One of my streetwalking employees just sat on Bruce Willis's face." Breathtaking prose from a former Hollywood madam!
Kate Moss continues to show excellent judgment by allowing Pete Doherty to move into her home. He brought with him a banjo, clothing, a gold record, and a big pile of crack.
Lohan's got the DTs. Or she's just scared, whatever.
You'll have to wait just a little bit longer to
Anna Nicole might have died from being loopy! Oh, wait, no. Lupus. Lupus.
January 30, 2007
Pete Repeats Rehab (with Mossian Help)
Pete Doherty has checked into rehab, according to the highly suspect site contactmusic.com. Welp, you know what they say, forty-fourth time's the charm, especially when your equally sobriety-challenged lady love checks in with you. It's a nice gesture, to be sure, but Kate, this is not 1971, you are not Anita Pallenberg, and Pete is not Keith Richards, and the world is not enraptured by your decadent, crumbly English glamour. Perhaps we should send Lindsay Lohan over to the clinic to drive them out early, saving everyone wasted time and effort.
more »
January 03, 2007
Kate Moss and Pete Doherty One Step Closer to Creating the World's Most Beautiful and Musical Crack Baby
The (n)ever-reliable Sun reported yesterday that Kate Moss wed walking crack pipe Pete Doherty in a non-binding Buddhist ceremony in Phuket, Thailand. We suppose that if you are planning on having a sham wedding, a place that looks like "fuck it" is probably the place to do it, especially if Bigreggretz, Indonesia and Pόrjujment, Austria are all booked up. more »
November 20, 2006
And He Still Gets to Pork a Model
Pete Doherty was pulled over yesterday for driving like an out-of-control crackhead and was then arrested for possession of crack. We would love to report fully on this story, but it's Monday morning, we're tired, and, frankly, we're getting a little sick of this shit.
October 26, 2006
Kate Moss Gets Engaged, Celebrates by Showing off Panties
Remember the other day when we said that Kate Moss was going to produce the world's first 95% cocaine baby? Well, we were wrong. It'll be more like 85% cocaine, 10% champagne.
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October 23, 2006
Kate Moss to Produce World's First 95% Cocaine Baby
Finally Bobbi Kristina Brown will have a celebrity offspring to look down upon and say, "That kid is soooo f'ed up." Kate Moss is pregnant with Pete Doherty's child. more »
October 19, 2006
Jack Osbourne and Pete Doherty to Duel at High Noon
Jack "progeny of Ozzy" Osbourne recently revealed in his new autobiography that he once kissed friend, supermodel, and fellow class A drug gourmand Kate Moss, saying, "it just felt just right." Her crackulous paramour, Pete Doherty, is taking umbrage at the claim. Apparently the world thinking Kate Moss once gave an innocent kiss to a dorky teen is unacceptable, while the world thinking Kate Moss is having full-on genital-to-genital contact with a cartoon version of a cartoon version of a cartoon version of Keith Richards is A-OK! more »
October 09, 2006
This Entry Is a Boring Entry
Oh, hey. The Babyshambles tour has been cancelled because Pete Doherty's back in rehab. And . . . yeah, that's all we got.
September 26, 2006
Bridge and Tunnel Kate
Despite her creativity in the you-put-yer-coke-in-it department, Kate Moss has not exactly proven herself to be of Mensa-quality intellect. Her genital-sharing judgment is proof of that. Now word has it that Kate wants to marry newly rehab-free Pete Doherty and move with him to New Jersey. Maybe she'll start a new famous-people trend. J.Lo and Skeletor will relocate to Joliet; Brad and Ang will make their home in Toledo. Before long every town with a looming steel-mill smoke stack will be lousy with paparazzi and Us Weekly reporters. more »
September 20, 2006
Rehab Makes Pete Doherty Re-horny
We thought we had washed our hands of the whole Kate Moss/Pete Doherty thing for good. We realized that we could get pretty much the same effect by watching Sid and Nancy every couple of days, and it's much more fun to imitate Nancy whining "Seeeeyid" than it is to emulate Kate Moss--those skinny jeans are rather binding and we're developing a nasty cough from all those ciggies. But we can never ignore public groping in front of a gaggle of drug-addicted onlookers. more »
August 25, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: All About Asses and Punching
Kevin Federline claims that on his GED, he got "amazing ass test scores." You know who else aced the amazing ass test? Heather Locklear (see above).
Shamed superstar Mel Gibson fires up his Razr and sets out on the seemingly insurmountable task of personally apologizing to every Jew in the whole wide world.
Lindsay Lohan is coming out with her own perfume. Exhaustion by Lindsay Lohan will smell softly of jasmine, raspberry vodka, and pink pepper with bottom notes of firecrotch musk.
And there is no love lost between Lindsay and her Bobby costar William H. Macy, who says that she "should have her ass kicked." Not such a good idea, Macy, old chum. The ass might be your target of choice, but Lindsay apparently goes for the face.
Cindy Crawford gets by with a little help from her friends. Her good friends Botox and Collagen.
The Japanese have given the thumbs up to their previously censored Britney naked posters. Gee, you think the "banning" and "controversy" was only to drum up publicity? Nah.
Pete Doherty: punched out a male nurse at rehab!
Pete Doherty: also busted for cocaine in rehab! We don't know about you, but we're really starting to understand what a beautiful, wealthy, iconic supermodel would see in him. What a prize!
His lyrical edge softened with age, contentment, and wealth, Bruce Springsteen makes a bid for authentic suffering by dumping redheaded wife for redheaded 9/11 widow.
Shamed superstar Mel Gibson fires up his Razr and sets out on the seemingly insurmountable task of personally apologizing to every Jew in the whole wide world.
Lindsay Lohan is coming out with her own perfume. Exhaustion by Lindsay Lohan will smell softly of jasmine, raspberry vodka, and pink pepper with bottom notes of firecrotch musk.
And there is no love lost between Lindsay and her Bobby costar William H. Macy, who says that she "should have her ass kicked." Not such a good idea, Macy, old chum. The ass might be your target of choice, but Lindsay apparently goes for the face.
Cindy Crawford gets by with a little help from her friends. Her good friends Botox and Collagen.
The Japanese have given the thumbs up to their previously censored Britney naked posters. Gee, you think the "banning" and "controversy" was only to drum up publicity? Nah.
Pete Doherty: punched out a male nurse at rehab!
Pete Doherty: also busted for cocaine in rehab! We don't know about you, but we're really starting to understand what a beautiful, wealthy, iconic supermodel would see in him. What a prize!
His lyrical edge softened with age, contentment, and wealth, Bruce Springsteen makes a bid for authentic suffering by dumping redheaded wife for redheaded 9/11 widow.
August 15, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Two Princes
Who wears short shorts? Jessica Simpson wears short shorts. Heyyyyy. Nice mons pubis.
Given the choice, Nick Lachey would rather be stuck on a desert island with Satan than with his supremely vile former father-in-law, Papa Joe Simpson. That makes 6 billion of us, Nick.
Kate Moss might as well face that she's addicted to Pete Doherty. She wishes she knew how to quit him. Brokecrack Mountain?
Another Doherty--Shannen--angrily hung up on a Newsweek reporter after being asked about her fiery, Naomi-Campbell-like, fired-from-Spelling-shows days. God, you run over a boyfriend 15 years ago and you never hear the end of it!
"Christina Milian" kind of rhymes with "this tiny little thong". Sorta.
The divorce gets ugly: Travis Barker questions his estranged wife Shanna Moakler's parenting skills, booze intake, nail salon visits, and open-door vagina policy . . . on his MySpace blog! We can't wait until she hits back with a string of vitriolic friend comments and some extra-hot profile pics taken in the bathroom mirror.
Keith Urban, pre-tooth job looks an awful lot like Limahl of Kajagoogoo fame.
Note to Nicole Richie: when size 000 bikini bottoms start to look like droopy adult sumo diapers, it might be time to try a cruller or something.
One, two, princes kneel before you/thats what I said, now/princes, princes who adore you/just go ahead, now/William has a cosmo in his hand/that sounds great, now/Harry said he wants to honk your mam, now/aint in his head, now.
Given the choice, Nick Lachey would rather be stuck on a desert island with Satan than with his supremely vile former father-in-law, Papa Joe Simpson. That makes 6 billion of us, Nick.
Kate Moss might as well face that she's addicted to Pete Doherty. She wishes she knew how to quit him. Brokecrack Mountain?
Another Doherty--Shannen--angrily hung up on a Newsweek reporter after being asked about her fiery, Naomi-Campbell-like, fired-from-Spelling-shows days. God, you run over a boyfriend 15 years ago and you never hear the end of it!
"Christina Milian" kind of rhymes with "this tiny little thong". Sorta.
The divorce gets ugly: Travis Barker questions his estranged wife Shanna Moakler's parenting skills, booze intake, nail salon visits, and open-door vagina policy . . . on his MySpace blog! We can't wait until she hits back with a string of vitriolic friend comments and some extra-hot profile pics taken in the bathroom mirror.
Keith Urban, pre-tooth job looks an awful lot like Limahl of Kajagoogoo fame.
Note to Nicole Richie: when size 000 bikini bottoms start to look like droopy adult sumo diapers, it might be time to try a cruller or something.
One, two, princes kneel before you/thats what I said, now/princes, princes who adore you/just go ahead, now/William has a cosmo in his hand/that sounds great, now/Harry said he wants to honk your mam, now/aint in his head, now.
May 26, 2006
Mossault and Battery
Kate Moss isn't attacking a photographer here, she's demonstrating krumping, the hot new urban dance move that's sweeping the country!
No, actually, she is just attacking a photographer. more »
No, actually, she is just attacking a photographer. more »
March 01, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "I Zaid I Want to Fugh Her."
Apparently, you can steal cars and shoot heroin and get arrested 20 times a month and yet never see the inside of a jail cell. We're totally moving to the UK. It's like Eden, or Honah-Lee. Only with more crack.
Speaking of drugs, Teri Hatcher admits to doing a little recreational Botox. Uh, no shit?
The year was 1984, and an unsullied, very young and fresh-faced Whitney Houston was given the old Serge Gainsbourg treatment on French television. If only she had been seduced by the wiles of a drunken, aged French lothario instead of a cracked-out faded R&B loser.
Apparently, being used as Jackson Browne's personal punching bag wasn't enough for Daryl Hannah, and she's now romancing Brad Renfro, an admitted junkie about 43 years younger than her. Some people are just gluttons for punishment.
A better shot of Paris's upskirt shot from the other day. You can actually see her anus devouring her underdrawers!
Vanna White gets the ole Pussycat Dolls treatment. And actually, she looks pretty awesome. For 73.
Some dude puts the kibosh on that whole "Charlize Theron as Dusty Springfield clam-slamming Kate Moss in Ang Lee movie" rumor. And we hate him for it.
Young Hermione Granger mistakes Corona with lime for butterbeer; gets wasted, fails OWLs, and is forced into a life of peddling her feminine wares in the shadowy recesses of Knockturn Alley.
Speaking of drugs, Teri Hatcher admits to doing a little recreational Botox. Uh, no shit?
The year was 1984, and an unsullied, very young and fresh-faced Whitney Houston was given the old Serge Gainsbourg treatment on French television. If only she had been seduced by the wiles of a drunken, aged French lothario instead of a cracked-out faded R&B loser.
Apparently, being used as Jackson Browne's personal punching bag wasn't enough for Daryl Hannah, and she's now romancing Brad Renfro, an admitted junkie about 43 years younger than her. Some people are just gluttons for punishment.
A better shot of Paris's upskirt shot from the other day. You can actually see her anus devouring her underdrawers!
Vanna White gets the ole Pussycat Dolls treatment. And actually, she looks pretty awesome. For 73.
Some dude puts the kibosh on that whole "Charlize Theron as Dusty Springfield clam-slamming Kate Moss in Ang Lee movie" rumor. And we hate him for it.
Young Hermione Granger mistakes Corona with lime for butterbeer; gets wasted, fails OWLs, and is forced into a life of peddling her feminine wares in the shadowy recesses of Knockturn Alley.
December 01, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: March of the Tiny Wieners
Nicole Richie (version Fat.0) with plump rump ripe on the runway. Ah, those halcyon days of youth.
Super kookynuts rumor of the day: Paris Hilton is set to dip her ring finger in the cheesy, Uncle Jesse style goodness of Stamos Nachos and become his lawfully wedded tortilla chip.
Not only can 90210 "actress" Tori Spelling make disgusted faces and make David Silver get a boner, she can also make a baby! Yaaaay!
After getting arrested for posession of crack yesterday, Kate Moss squire of yore Pete Doherty claims she left him for good because he's packing a wee weiner.
While Enrique Iglesias claims that the rumors of his own lack of girth have been greatly exaggerated.
She says Jacko's not the one, no, the kid is not his son.
Yet ANOTHER reason to hate Fergie.
Keeping with the Halloween spirit, Tom and Katie are set to wed on October 21rst.
After the three Magi heard King Herod, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the Malibu house with the tricked-out pink Hummer out front, they saw the child with his mother Britney, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Sean Preston with gifts of woobies and of binkies and of myrrh. Merry X-mas, y'all!
Super kookynuts rumor of the day: Paris Hilton is set to dip her ring finger in the cheesy, Uncle Jesse style goodness of Stamos Nachos and become his lawfully wedded tortilla chip.
Not only can 90210 "actress" Tori Spelling make disgusted faces and make David Silver get a boner, she can also make a baby! Yaaaay!
After getting arrested for posession of crack yesterday, Kate Moss squire of yore Pete Doherty claims she left him for good because he's packing a wee weiner.
While Enrique Iglesias claims that the rumors of his own lack of girth have been greatly exaggerated.
She says Jacko's not the one, no, the kid is not his son.
Yet ANOTHER reason to hate Fergie.
Keeping with the Halloween spirit, Tom and Katie are set to wed on October 21rst.
After the three Magi heard King Herod, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the Malibu house with the tricked-out pink Hummer out front, they saw the child with his mother Britney, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Sean Preston with gifts of woobies and of binkies and of myrrh. Merry X-mas, y'all!
September 16, 2005
Kate Moss II: Cokehead On the Move
Yesterday, the UK's Daily Mirror ran pictures and a colorful, engaging story relaying the tender tale of a girl and her stash. Then they confronted her about it. And she flipped. And her boyfriend flipped. And so they ran part two of the fable. The blow hits the mirror, then the shit hits the fan. Like grains of coke through the 5-note, these are the days of Kate Moss's life. more »
September 15, 2005
Now We Know Why She and Doherty Get Along So Well
Today, our gossip docent FemaleFirst reports that Kate Moss was caught in a "cocaine shocker"--photos of the model blowing Olsen twin-sized lines off a CD case lovingly adorn the front page of today's Daily Mirror. A 98 lb. international supermodel millionairess who's dating a smack/crack addict musician indulges in the toots? Shocker, indeed. more »
August 16, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: Winona Gets Itchy Sticky Trigger Finger, Plus: Diddy Diddy Diddy!
Arnold Schwarzenegger just can't seem to keep his hands off the dames, and now one of his extramarital playmates is claiming that she was paid off by the Enquirer. Listen, if you were married to Skeletor, wouldn't you be blindly grabbing any ripe flesh that happened to pass by?
Kate Moss's mom has a loving nickname for her daughter's paramour Pete Doherty: Crackhead. Fitting since . . . well, since he just got arrested in Oslo for posession of heroin and crack.
Winona! Where ya been, girlfriend? Oh, and where'd you get that cute belt? How much did it cos--oh.
Paula Abdul to return to Idol and thanks her "fans around the world" for their support. Wait, she means these ones, right?
Puffy Sean John Diddy P. Combs Daddy is now just "Diddy". He says the new name is "more rock n' roll" and we agree. Just saying "Diddy diddy diddy!" makes us feel like we're in Mott the Hoople!
Marcia Cross is frigid.
Britney sez: screw the homeless, screw poverty, and triple screw AIDS; I'm putting my cash towards more red string thingies for toddlers!
Kate Moss's mom has a loving nickname for her daughter's paramour Pete Doherty: Crackhead. Fitting since . . . well, since he just got arrested in Oslo for posession of heroin and crack.
Winona! Where ya been, girlfriend? Oh, and where'd you get that cute belt? How much did it cos--oh.
Paula Abdul to return to Idol and thanks her "fans around the world" for their support. Wait, she means these ones, right?
Puffy Sean John Diddy P. Combs Daddy is now just "Diddy". He says the new name is "more rock n' roll" and we agree. Just saying "Diddy diddy diddy!" makes us feel like we're in Mott the Hoople!
Marcia Cross is frigid.
Britney sez: screw the homeless, screw poverty, and triple screw AIDS; I'm putting my cash towards more red string thingies for toddlers!
August 12, 2005
Kate Moss's "Bigger and Better Things"
Johnny Depp recently spoke about his 1997 breakup with Kate Moss, and stated: "I don't think I was very good for her, so what we did was right--we walked away from each other. She went on to bigger and better things and I went on and fell in love and had kiddies."
Hm.
Yes.
Hm.
Yes.
August 10, 2005
A Burning Pete Gathers More Moss
Remember when Kate Moss and Pete Doherty got together and then they broke up and then they got together and then they broke up and then they got together and then they broke up FOR GOOD? Well, they got back together again! Ahahahahahahaha! Isn't that hilarious? Couldn't you just die? God love 'em! Oh, what will those free-spirited British knuckleheads do next? WE CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO PREDICT! more »
July 27, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: Nothing About Lohan Despite References to Coke and Anorexia
Anorexia, asthma, crummy tonsils, kidney problems, throat cysts, childhood OCD. It's a wonder Jessica Alba lived past puberty.
Osama Bin Laden: valiantly trying to wipe out America's population of electroclash holdovers.
Kate Moss loses 120 lbs. of ugly, useless flesh; possibly picks up a Jackass.
Nicole Kidman plans to take a year or two off acting. We suspect that when she returns, she'll have mysteriously taken more than a year or two off her looks.
Two impossibly good-looking WB stars' three-month old marriage on the rocks? If Sophia Bush and Chad Michael Murray can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?
The diabolical Mischa Barton plays the TomKat game.
Brittany Murphy proves that nothing sells jeans quite like a lack of jeans.
Osama Bin Laden: valiantly trying to wipe out America's population of electroclash holdovers.
Kate Moss loses 120 lbs. of ugly, useless flesh; possibly picks up a Jackass.
Nicole Kidman plans to take a year or two off acting. We suspect that when she returns, she'll have mysteriously taken more than a year or two off her looks.
Two impossibly good-looking WB stars' three-month old marriage on the rocks? If Sophia Bush and Chad Michael Murray can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?
The diabolical Mischa Barton plays the TomKat game.
Brittany Murphy proves that nothing sells jeans quite like a lack of jeans.
July 14, 2005
Kate Moss Touches Herself
Kate don't want
Anybody else
When she thinks about fiancι Pete Doherty
She touches herself.
Which is jolly fun, but when we think about Pete Doherty we do that thing where we feel like we're going to regurgitate but we just kind of rest our head on the toilet and gag mildly, occasionally spitting out the saliva that fills our mouths. more »
Anybody else
When she thinks about fiancι Pete Doherty
She touches herself.
Which is jolly fun, but when we think about Pete Doherty we do that thing where we feel like we're going to regurgitate but we just kind of rest our head on the toilet and gag mildly, occasionally spitting out the saliva that fills our mouths. more »
March 15, 2005
Moss to Become Doherty's Wedded Waif?
She's a multi-millionaire supermodel with her own perfume line and a young child. He's a destitute narcotics addict who was kicked out of his own band. He says they're about to get married. We don't know about the rest of you, but we think The Kate Moss and Pete Doherty Story has "mid-season replacement hit sitcom" written all over it! It's like the new Dharma and Greg, only with crack. more »
January 28, 2005
Doherty Dying to Win Back Kate . . . And Her Bajillion Dollars
We know we've been a little heavy on the Kate Moss-Pete Doherty news this week. But we can't help it! Their romance is like nacho cheese Bugles. We know it's bad for us, but we can't stay away. more »
January 27, 2005
Kate Moss: Maybe Not Better Than Methadone After All
Remember when we reported that Kate Moss and her new gentleman friend, The Libertines' Pete Doherty, were, like, totally in love? (Of course you remember, it was yesterday.) Well, they're over. Apparently, sex with a supermodel pales next to the siren song of sweet, sweet crack rock. more »
January 26, 2005
Kate Moss: Better Than Methadone!
Model Kate Moss and her new love, drug-addled Libertines singer Pete Doherty, have pledged their undying love with matching tattoos . . . after dating for two weeks. But in case you haven't heard from Usher and Naomi, two weeks is the new five years! more »
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