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filed under: Penelope Cruz

June 06, 2008

Woody Allen Sez: "If You Like Sex, Don't See My Movie"

penelope cruz short shorts 1.jpg Woody Allen is not a very savvy businessman. Most directors would let rumors of sexed-up storylines and hot lesbian action run rampant, but not Woody. He says, "There ain't none of that crap in my movie, pervos; it's art." According to WENN:
Woody Allen has denied rumours of racy sex scenes between Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson in upcoming movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

Johansson and Cruz appear in a steamy scene together as well as taking part in a threesome with Spanish actor Javier Bardem, according to reports.

The director admits that the film does feature a lesbian clinch - but "not in the sense that they're (the press) suggesting."

And the 72-year-old dismisses claims that it is "steamy", telling Britain's Empire magazine, "There's no truth comparable to anything you've read. There's the barest smidgeon of sex in it.

"There are sex scenes between all the characters in the movie: between the men and the women, and the women and the women. That is accurate, but I'd say there's probably not even 20 seconds of sex in the whole picture."
What kind of forking marketing strategy is that? The "I already have a shit ton of money, so I don't need any more, I make movies for the love of cinema" approach? Why not just let a bunch of horndogs pay $9.50 apiece to see the movie? It's not like they're going to be so pissed they never see another Woody Allen movie. Theatergoers who choose films based on girl-on-girl groping probably aren't big Manhattan fans anyway.

And since this was basically an anti-sexy-lady story, here's Penelope Cruz peeking some cheek in short shorts. Now that dame knows how to sell movie tickets.

penelope cruz short shorts 2.jpg penelope cruz short shorts 3.jpg penelope cruz short shorts 4.jpg

Pics via the dashing Drunken Stepfather.
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May 14, 2008

Sticky Cristina Lesbo-moan-a

scarlett_penelope_kissing.jpgIf Hollywood movies have taught us anything, it's that darkrooms are seriously sexy places and if more than one person is occupying one, the red lighting and chemical smells will impel them to make out. That, and the fact that tough guys always crack their necks slowly before beating or killing you. But back to the first part! Here is a trailer for the upcoming Woody Allen movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which, as far as we can gather from this preview, is about a bunch of people casting furtive looks at one another and then kissing a lot while a lady sings, "Barthelooonaaa! Bartheloonnnnaaa!" And then Penelope Cruz shoots a gun.

The highlight of that trailer should be obvious. It's the stunning cinematography that truly captures the beauty of this world-class city. What, did you think we meant Penelope Cruz kissing Scarlett Johansson? Because ew, dude, that's how cooties are born.
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April 22, 2008

An Elegy for Penelope Cruz's T&A

penelope_cruz_nude_elegy_1.jpgWhen we last left Penelope Cruz, she was enjoying the good life in the south of France with a gentleman caller, sipping the finest wine while donning a butt-crack-skimming bikini. Today brings us even more of Penelope (or even less, depending on how you look at it). Pictures and clips from her upcoming film Elegy have leaked. And after the cut, you'll leak. From your genitals. Because she's so hot and so naked! No, just kidding, it's because you have gonorrhea. more »
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March 27, 2008

What's the Opposite of Katie Holmes?

penelope-cruz-bikini-01.jpgAnd here we see Penelope Cruz, international star of the silver screen, with her impressively pneumatic body poured into an expensive bikini, relaxing in a villa in the south of France, next to her boyfriend, acclaimed actor Javier Bardem, fresh off of winning an Academy Award. You'd feel a little sick, a little angry, and plenty jealous, were you not to realize just how close Penelope had come to pricking her finger and signing a Scientological pact to turn herself over to a life of indentured servitude, wide-legged Armani trousers, and uterine duty to Tom Cruise. Instead of organic dinners and Best of Al Green CDs with Jenna Elfman and Leah Remini, Penelope is Euro-chilling with a bottle of $700 wine and a hunky man taller than 5'6". Huzzah!

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February 07, 2008

Scarj and Penny in Vicky Cristina Barcelesbo

scarlett johansson kissed by queens.jpg Woody Allen may be roughly 300 years old and living a life of pervatude with his former step-daughter, but he's still got it. And by "it" we mean the erectile capacity to still desire seeing two luscious, ample-bosomed sex goddesses do each other on screen. Hooray for Viagra! Page Six reports:
SCARLETT Johansson has a steamy lesbian sex scene with Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen's upcoming "Vicky Cristina Barcelona." A source tells us: "It is also extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping." The women later have a threesome with Javier Bardem, who plays Cruz's husband. The film also stars Patricia Clarkson, Rebecca Hall, Kevin Dunn and Chris Messina.
Sure, this all sounds hot, but we seriously doubt that we will be "shocked" by the end result. The most erotic a Woody Allen movie gets is a totally-too-hot-for-him lady gushing about how he was the best sex she ever had. And the chick's usually wearing a full body stocking, a Mennonite-inspired full-length denim skirt, and a Land's End parka. So maybe the audience was left gasping because one of the photos developing behind the ladies was of an illegal dog fight. And that threesome with Javier Bardem? We're betting it involves either Scrabble or Balderdash.
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January 09, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Ambrosio of the Gods

alessandra-ambrosio-bikini-1-06.jpg • Model Alessanda Ambrosio is out Victoria's Secret undies. Yayyy! And into a bikini. Boooo. No, wait. Yay. (Egotastic!)

• "I'm Fat Shady, yes I'm the Fat Shady, all you other Fat Shadys are just imatatin'." (Cityrag)

• We can't improve on this original headline: 1 Hayden, 2 Cups. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Penelope Cruz and very attractive sister wear clothes, look pretty, have picture taken. (Daily Stab)

• Due to the writers' strike, the Golden Globes will be much less golden; globular. (Yeeeah!)

• Blake Lively's schnozz: from Sevigny to sliced. (Radar Online)

• Mariah Carey actually would rather be onstage with J. Lo than a pig after all. Good to know. (Celebitchy)

• Britney's car was impounded. There was no way for her to avoid bein' grounded. Her parents had to come up from vacation and get me, I'd rather be in jail than to have my father hit me. So tell you all the kids all across the land, there's no need to argue, parents just don't understand. Dee doo doo doo. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Bono completes the final phase of his slow transformation into Robin Williams. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Not even MC Skat Kat can save Paula Abdul from crazy's grasp now. (The Blemish)

• Britney dresses her offspring as golf caddies. Or, possibly, Andre 3000. (Allie Is Wired)

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January 07, 2008

Shocking New Book Alleges Tom Cruise Is Wacky Cult Leader

tom cruise gives the thumbs up.jpg So you know all those things you've heard about Tom Cruise being a crazy loony mental patient who does nothing all day but mutter under his breath "I love L. Ron. L. Ron is God" and stare at the author's photo on the back of Dianetics? Someone said, "What the hell, I can sell that" and wrote a book. Finally, we can claim to have more journalistic integrity than someone. PageSix.com reports:
A new book by Princess Diana's biographer makes some astonishing claims about Tom Cruise and the hold that Scientology has over every aspect of his life.

In Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography, Andrew Morton launches an extraordinary attack on the Top Gun star — and on those closest to him, including his little daughter, Suri.

The U.K.'s Daily Mail has revealed some of the more scandalous allegations that Morton makes in the book:

* Tom's daughter with Katie Holmes, Suri, was conceived like Rosemary's Baby, a film "in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil's child." Morton claims that some "fanatical" Scientologists believe that Suri is the result of a sperm donation by Scientology's dead founder, L. Ron Hubbard.

* Morton implies that Scientology executives contributed to the failure of Tom's marriage to Nicole Kidman. He writes that because Nicole's father was a psychologist (a science said to be frowned upon by the religion) and that she had given an interview emphasizing her roots as a Catholic that she would "compromise Tom's commitment to his faith." When the couple split in 2000, Morton claims that Nicole was worried that she might not be able to see the two children the couple had adopted (Isabella and Conor). He also states that she was worried that her Scientology "audit" tapes, which contained details of her sex life, might be leaked if she spoke out. * The author says that Penelope Cruz's father, Eduardo, feared that his daughter would be drawn into a "cult" while she dated her Vanilla Sky co-star, and "emailed an organization devoted to helping cult members and their families."

* Morton says that Tom's current mission is to recruit David and Victoria Beckham. The 45-year-old took Scientology leader David Miscavige to a Real Madrid game in 2004 and when the Beckhams moved to Los Angeles in July last year, he threw them a celebratory party.

Tom's longtime lawyer Bert Fields spoke to the Daily Mail about the book, describing it as "a pack of lies." He said that the tome is "poorly researched and badly written, and it's not really even about Tom Cruise — it's an attack on Scientology." He also said that Morton hasn't spoken to him, Tom's mother, sister, Paula Wagner (Tom's producing partner), his agent, wives, David Beckham, Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez or any of the famous directors he's worked with.

While the book isn't being published in the U.K., readers in the U.S. will have a chance to judge for themselves when it is published Stateside on January 15.
What, that's it? What's so scandalous about that? It doesn't even mention anything about Katie Holmes's contract or about the eighteen-year-old rent boy Tom keeps hidden in the basement (we may have made up that last one, but we have the Mortonian spirit this morning). If you're going to pick a pack of unsubstantiated rumors to populate your trashy book, why not pick the really interesting ones? We already know that Tom is culty crazy number two and that he wants the Beckhams to help his recruiting efforts. This is pretty boring stuff. That's why in our unauthorized Tom Cruise biography (TK as soon as why can find good blackmail material on a Random House staffer, hopefully spring '09) we'll focus on Tom and Katie's sham relationship, her big payoff, and the possibility that either former Katie schtupper Chris Klein or Tommy cousin and Lost creepy William Mapother is actually Suri's dad, with special totally fictional drawings of what we assume Katie's nightly lockdown looks like (a windowless room, leg shackles--which would explain all those wide-legged pants--and an endless supply of celery sticks and Scientological literature).
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January 04, 2008

Pen้lope Cruz Did Not Make out with Her Sister. She Made out with Someone Who Looks Like Her Sister.

penelope cruz mia maestro make out.jpg Eduardo Cruz does not want to be seen as the slightly more rock 'n' roll Enrique Iglesias. He wants to be seen as the slightly more rock 'n' roll Enrique Iglesias who fulfills his taboo childhood fantasies by having his super famous, super hot sister in his video making out with someone who looks like his marginally famous, super hot sister. E! Online reports:
Reports of Pen้lope Cruz and her sister, M๓nica, making out in their younger brother’s new music video have been greatly exaggerated.

Well, more than exaggerated—the reports are wrong!

Just after Christmas, media outlets in Europe reported that singer Eduardo Cruz convinced his sisters to swap spit in the music video for “Cosas Que Contar,” the title track of his debut album. The story quickly spread through the blogoshere with headlines such as "Faux-Dyke Out" and "Cruz Incest Caught on Tape."

But I've got the real story. I can exclusively tell you the gal whom Pen้lope is smooching is actress Mํa Maestro! While M๓nica and Pen้lope appear in the video as two beauties dubbing a lesbian porn flick into Spanish as well as bathing-suit-clad guitar players, Pen้lope’s rep tells me there was absolutely no lesbian lip-locking screen time between the two.

Reports even went so far as to claim it was 22-year-old Eduardo’s idea for the smooch, because he always dreamed of watching his sisters get naughty with each other.
Both sisters do appear in the video, whispering lustily into bro's ears and looking like they want to eat his face for dinner. With their vaginas. Then way near the end, there are about two seconds of Pen้lope trying to eat Mํa Meastro's face. With her mouth, unfortunately.

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July 25, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: "Did Not Do Drugs They're Not Mine"

lohanpeeved.jpg• Lindsay tells Billy Bush, "Yes. I am innocent... did not do drugs they're not mine." Well, technically the drugs they found weren't "done" yet because they were in her pocket. So . . . yeah! Innocent! (TMZ)

• Lily Allen does not suffer Courtney Loves gladly. (Celeb Warship)

• Eva Mendes sends Jane mag off to the glue factory with a hearty strippin'. (Cityrag)

• Penelope Cruz in shocking eyelash controversy! (Celebitchy)

• Kim Kardashian to bring her bustle-like humpback heinie to Playboy? (Derek Hail)

• When Hilary Duff was a baby, her mom spiked her like a football. Over and over. (Hollywood Grind)

• Jennifer Garner rocks a lacy 1998 momthong. (Taxi Driver)

• What's longer: Rihanna's legs or her forehead? The world may never know. (Drunken Stepfather)

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June 28, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Snow Blower Over

penelope_cruz_bikini.jpg• Prince approached Penelope Cruz and sang a song just for her. Next week, we will see her in purple lingerie and a spiral perm, fronting the Penelope 6. (Celebrity Mound)

• Britney backed out of Cyndi Lauper's True Colors tour after she found out that "performing" meant "actually singing". "I cain't do that, y'all!" (A Socialite's Life)

• Like Paris, we love TMZ. Because not only do they post a picture of the reunited Spice Girls, they include a poll asking you to pick the ugliest. Yay! (TMZ)

• Paris Hilton told Larry King that she's never, ever done drugs. Because weed is a vegetable. (Evil Beet)

• Hayden Panettiere. She acts, she sings, she licks stuff. (Derek Hail)

• George Michael refuses to have an HIV test. That is careless, much like his whispers of yore. (RTE)

• When it comes to celebrities having large bags of silicon-oxygen polymers surgically placed inside their chest cavities, only one can be the victor and bring home the "shittiest implants title". (Cityrag)

• Megan Fox continues her unstoppable run of lookin'-over-my-shoulder-hey-check-out-my-wikkid-tatz red carpet posery. (Popoholic)

• Cops + racial statements = hijinks. No, not Mel Gibson . . . Vivica A. Fox! Speaking of terrible breast implants. (TMZ again)

• MK and Ashley Olsen are at loggerheads over Mary-Kate's mean boyfriend, Max Snow, who Ashley says puts down and mistreats her sister. MK says he often gets nasty, but it always blows over. Snow . . . blow . . . yeah. (FemaleFirst)
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May 09, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Wiggin' Out

britney-spears-breast-01.jpg• "Pink bra. Pink push-up bra. Uhhh . . . acid wash. Skirt that's . . . acid wash with ball-point pen. Uhhh . . . wig. Bad wig. Bad, brown wig. Ratty brown--" "Things Britney Spears wears!" Ding ding ding! You just won $25,000 Pyramid! (Egotastic!)

• Penny Kravitz? (Female First)

• What's in Scary Spice's upskirtish girl-folds? Is that underwear slipping away into her Murphy-soiled parts? A tampon string? Errant t.p. detritus? (Taxi Driver)

• Kate Moss wears sheer dress, shows what she's got up Top(Shop). (Drunken Stepfather)

• Paris Hilton is petitioning her fans to keep her out of jail. You should sign this petition to keep her in. Because if Bridget Jones 2 taught us anything, it's that jail is fun!(IDLYITW)

• We look at these pictures and imagine the sound Jessica Simpson's breasts were making as they were crammed, via shoehorn, into that dress. (Yeeeah!)

• Paris drove on a suspended license. Again. Yesterday. Seriously, go sign that petition. (D Listed)

• After a period of dark, self-imposed Timberlakian mourning, Cameron Diaz goes back to the blonde. (Cityrag)

• Enjoy a visit with Posh Spice v. 1.0. (ICYDK)

• Tom Sizemore, busted for meth. Just like your cousins Travis and Crystal Jean. (TMZ)

• Ashlee and Jessica do not suffer each other gladly. (A Socialite's Life)

• Depp's got two tickets to Paradis. Won't you pack your bags? We'll marry tonight. (Gabby Babble)
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March 29, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: She Wants to Be The Girl with the Least Cake

courtkini.jpg• Courtney Love, in a bikini, weighing less than her 12-year-old daughter. That's what making out with Bruce Willis will do to a body. It happened to Lohan, now it's happening again.

• Uma Thurman's one-piece strains against the weight of her Nordic kahooblies.

• Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson's illicit extramarital blonde people love is not going so hot.

• Kate's mom Goldie Hawn distracts us from her daughter's love life by erecting her nipples as if they were geriatric antennae 'neath her top.

• Rose McGowan barred her Grindhouse costars from wearing red to its premiere so that she would be the only scarlet lady. And then she gazed into her mystical mirror to ask who was the fairest, and beat her adopted children with wire hangers.

• I'mmmmm a Puffy Doodle Daddy, Puffy do it all the daaaaaayyyyy!

• Catherine Zeta-Jones slowly realizing that her husband is eighty.

• Jael from America's Next Top Model has slurred her way into our hearts and out of her clothes (NSFW)!

• Paris Hilton swings open the doors to her Valtrex-tinged mantrap and waves Desperate Housewives bit player Josh Henderson past the velvet rope.

• Cruznett!

• Gyllenspoon!

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January 03, 2007

How to Stuff a Wild Albakini, 2007 Edition

albinkini1.jpgThe more things change, the more they stay the same. Another year has come and gone and Nicole Richie has metamorphosed from an underfed blonde ex-heroin user to an underfed brunette Vicodin abuser and Lohan went from a deflated-chested blonde to a reflated-chested brunette. However, Jessica Alba is still making merry in the surf while wearing a bikini. It's like we walked into a picture postcard from the past, with ladies in bustles holiding parasols and gentlemen with ivory-knobbed walking sticks and wooden dentures. That's how people dressed back in 2006, right?

After the cut, more Albakini, plus bonus Lohankini and Cruz sisters . . . kini. more »
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November 22, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: "I Know How to Learn Anything I Want to Learn."

• Kirsten Dunst's teatlets meet a lace-paneled dress, peekaboo nippage ensues. The pictures are old, but so are you, geezer.

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.

• Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.

• Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.

• Australian Holly Valance's nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!

• Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"

• Penelope Cruz half naked for Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?

• Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?

• Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.
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September 28, 2006

The Beardiest Beard that Ever Did Beard Beards Anew

orlando and pen.jpg

We knew those rumors we heard of Orlando Bloom romancing Uma Thurman couldn't have any vestige of truth. After all, she has no known bearding experience. Penelope Cruz, on the other hand, has a bearding r้sum้ that's long and storied. Plus, after Tom Cruise, Orlando looks positively manly.
Of course there is one other explanation for Orlando popping up in a picture of Penelope leaving Hyde: He's participating in the hottest celebrity game since Ben Affleck played "Where can I plop my nutsack?" It's celebrity Where's Waldo, in which high profile celebs try to outwit the paparazzi by donning kicky chapeaux and striped shirts and try to sneak into snaps of other high-profile celebs undetected. more »
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September 08, 2006

The Beardiest Beard that Ever Did Beard

matt&pen.jpg

Matthew: See this, buttmunches? I'm with a girl. A hot girl. I am so not gay. I even put on a shirt to prove that I don't want that yummy concierge looking at my totally ripped pecs. I don't care if he does have an ass that's as tight as Janet Jackson's weave. Cause I've got a girl. And last night I gave it to her good. Right in her . . . her . . .

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Hey, Pen, what's that thing called again? Oh, right, her vagina. Mmmm, I love vaginas. They're so hard and long and . . . covered in scales . . . and I love it when they dangle like a limp piece of spaghetti. Vaginas are where it's at, brah. more »
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September 01, 2006

Abridged CNW Month-End Search Terms: August 2006

We've got to keep up with the Johnsons and the Smiths and the Egotastics and the Idontlikeyouinthatways, so we're introducing a new feature. At the end of each month, we'll be your bloggy Rick Dees and will count down the top five search phrases (not including "CelebNewsWire" and its variants) people use to get to this site. There aren't a lot of surprises here, aside from the fact that "fergie pee" has finally slipped out of the top ten, and that one person (hi, Dad!) found us by searching for "Jessica Simpson hanging labia". more »
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August 17, 2006

Mam Overboard!!!

Penelope Cruz recently enjoyed a cruise (Cruz) around Ibiza with her mother. No word on what Mother Cruz was donning, but Pen was poured into this bikini:

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After the cut, see what happened when she hit the water. We don't want to give anything away, so we'll employ the use of anagrams to give you a hint: when you see "Penelope" "peel open", you'll be "popen' eel"! Ho ho ho! more »
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August 04, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Pink Pee

• As a half-Jew, Rob Schneider refuses to ever work with Mel Gibson. Braveheart 2 just got 54% less zany!

• Ever seen pink pee before? No? Ever seen Pink pee before? Also no? Well, here ya go.

• Carmen Electra and Shannon Elizabeth are pals. If C-list hangs with D-list, does that elevate them to B-list?

• If you posess fashion experience and much love for checkered bondage pants, you can work for Gwen Stefani and her L.A.M.B. label. Just email skagirl.com. Skagirl . . . we think we cybered with her in the AOL Skankin' Pickle room in 1994.

• Melanie Griffith takes the Cruddiest Mom of the Year crown from Dina Lohan when she lights her teenage daughter Dakota's cigarette.

• Cindy Crawford plus stripper pole plus mojitos minus bra equals summer fun for the whole family.

• Al Reynolds dons spandex; gets late-night booty call from large man in bucket hat.

• In case you were wondering who, on God's green Earth, would admire the jauntily shoddy designs of Charlie Sheen's ill-timed kidswear company, Sheen Kidz, the answer is: Britney. Naturally.

• Penelope Cruz is the first non-Scientologist to step forth and claim that Suri No Middle Name Cruise exists.

• Is David Geffen getting Stiflered?
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Mar