filed under: Patrick Swayze

It seems that the all-night vigil we held with fingers and toes crossed, rocking back and forth on a bed of nails and chanting "Just put your pickle on everybody's plate, college boy, and leave the hard stuff to me" may have worked! TMZ reports:

Patrick Swayze's publicist issued the following statement to TMZ: "Patrick Swayze has been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and is currently undergoing treatment. Patrick's physician Dr. George Fisher states, 'Patrick has a very limited amount of disease and he appears to be responding well to treatment thus far. All of the reports stating the timeframe of his prognosis and his physical side effects are absolutely untrue. We are considerably more optimistic.' Patrick is continuing his normal schedule during this time, which includes working on upcoming projects. The outpouring of support and concern he has already received from the public is deeply appreciated by Patrick and his family."

We don't know why we were even worried. This is Dalton we're talking about. James Dalton. The world's toughest bouncer! He can just take that pancreatic tumor and kill it with his bare hands.

First Jeff Healey, now Patrick Swayze? Is there some sort of horrible Road House curse? Should we secret Ben Gazzara away in a plastic bubble? We share the following item with a heavy heart and misty eyes, hoping to God, Allah, Krishna, whomever, that it isn't true:

In a shocking world exclusive, The NATIONAL ENQUIRER has uncovered the devastating news that the beloved Hollywood actor and dancer was diagnosed in late January with pancreatic cancer that has spread to other organs.

For the past month, Patrick, 55, has been traveling to Stanford University’s prestigious cancer center in Palo Alto for radical chemotherapy, but his doctors are no longer optimistic that the treatments will be successful.

Patrick and his wife Lisa Niemi — who both have pilot’s licenses — have been flying their private Beechcraft plane into Palo Alto’s airport, minutes away from the Stanford Cancer Center, where the actor has received outpatient treatment.

He received three doses of chemotherapy and the tumor shrank, but less than his doctors had hoped for — and Patrick was told he should prepare for the end.

“He was told he could have two more treatments, but his cancer was not responding. In short - they held out little hope for a cure,” said an insider.

We're trying to consider the source here--the last time the Enquirer published something that was true, it was about Barry Bostwick and his family updating their country kitchen or something. But on the off chance that it is true . . . well, the only thing giving us any remote glimmer of comfort is the idea of Patrick Swayze and Chris Farley reunited in heaven, performing their classic SNL Chippendales skit together again. Please recover, Mr. Swayze.

UPDATE: unfortunately, Swayze's rep has confirmed the utterly depressing news.

• Paris Hilton enjoys fishing. And fish enjoy the familiar, down-home smell of Paris Hilton's bacterial vaginosis. OK, that was pretty gross. Sorry, Paris. (FemaleFirst)

• And speaking of Paris's vagina, she will be rubbing hers up against the lesbian thespians of The L Word. (The Superficial)

• The results are in: Heath Ledger's death was caused by "accidental overdose" of SIX different types of prescription drugs. (TMZ)

• Godspeed to you, Patrick Swayze! May your gut convalesce so that you may arabesque again. (IMDb)

• Cammy Diaz gots some pegs, boy, I tells ya. (Cityrag)

• Larry Birkhead take$ Dannilynn to vi$it her mother'$ grave$ite. (Celebitchy)

• Bike shorts and what appears to be a Lamborghini Countache: no, it's not 1987; it's the new Bebe ads featuring Eva Longoria! (PopCrunch)

• Bar Rafaeli: professional wearer of lingerie, schtupper of DiCaprio, sporter of labia-splitting bikini camel toe. (Derek Hail)

• J. Lo is definitely having twins. And we are definitely having another cruller. Yum, jelly. (Evil Beet)

• Kim Kardashian sued by ex-boyfriend's mom. Oh, what a tangled web. (The Blemish)

• Rihanna launches her own umbrella line. What if her hit song had been called "Colostomy Bag"? Guess you can't really stand under one of those, though. Or can you? (Daily Stab)

• Dirty Dancing's Patrick Swayze says he's experimenting with “rap rhythms as an emotional undercurrent for ballads.” That makes sense, since rap rhythms are a feeling; a heartbeat. Guh-gung. Guh-gung.

• Katie Holmes sez: "I won't wed 'til afterbirth!" God, that's sick! Oh, wait. That's "after birth".

• Still married to one nonfamous guy, Tori Spelling gets engaged to another. That means two men have willingly signed up to make Tori Spelling's vagina the only vagina in their lives forever and ever and ever. Our world, it is a sick and sad one.

• Unbearable douchelord Bono flirts with his own daughters, but at least saves the massive shagging for his wife only.

• Wipe that image out of your mind with some naked pictures of former supermodel/erstwhile Axl schtup-puppet Stephanie Seymour.

• Is Naomi Watts about to marry Liev Schreiber? Is she incubating his young? Is she going to don a bikini and bang Bond? Whowhatwherewhenwhyhowwhatwhatwhhhatttt???!?!?!?!?!

• Whatsa matta, Paris? Crabs gotcha down?

• Cindy Crawford's little son is totally in my face! Poor Maddox Jolie--replaced by a newer, hipper, younger, more attitude-y at age four.

• Keira Knightley's thong. Yup. It sure is.

• Eminem will make ex-wife Kim new wife Kim on January 14th. The invitation reads: "This day I will marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for, love." Guess "Sit down bitch/If you move again I'll beat the shit out of you" doesn't exactly scream "holy matrimony".

• The unpleasant weave Tyra Banks sported on last season's Top Model has migrated to her lip. That's fierce!

• Joaquin Phoenix: method actor.

• When you litter, Patrick Swayze turns his weather-beaten, spiritual face to the skies and weeps a solitary tear.

• Paris Hilton gets her stoolbox hosed out.

• Oasis member Noel Gallagher calls Jack White "Zorro on doughnuts". And, well, uh, he's kinda got a point there.

• A stripper had drunken floor sex with David Arquette. Strippers have low standards.

• And Mariah Carey has an employee who helps her lift those pesky beverages to her parched lips. Don't snicker--the strawmaster probably makes more than you.

As if it’s not bad enough that Scarlett Johansson is terrified by the sight of her own boobs and can’t convince directors to let her take her clothes off, Patrick Swayze doesn’t appreciate her praise. You know, cause he gets so damn much of it these days. more »