filed under: parties
July 07, 2008
Nicole and Lionel: Those Rowdy Richies

When you think of father-daughter duo Lionel and
Nicole Richie, surely a few words spring to mind. Loud. Rambunctious. Troublemakers. Pugilistic. This weekend saw Richies pere et fille getting denied their right to party. First up, in the Hamptons, Lionel is like Guns n' Roses circa 1988, according to
The San Francisco Chronicle:
Lionel Richie has been banned from performing in New York's Hamptons after locals protested about the noise.
Party promoter Scott Feldman planned to charge guests $1,250 each to watch Richie sing in the backyard of his rented home in the Long Island town of Sag tonight, reports the New York Post's gossip column Page Six.
But the newspaper claims requests for a permit were turned down after wealthy residents of the town -- where rocker Billy Joel also has a home -- stepped in.
$1,250 for a bit of "Dancing on the Ceiling"? Don't people in the Hamptons have better things to spend their oodles and oodles of money on? Like
internet porn?
And baby girl Richie takes Daddy's lead one step further and causes a ruckus at a Las Vegas club. Apparently catfights burn more calories than a couple of hours on the elliptical.
TMZ reports:
Looks like baby Harlow hasn't settled Nicole Richie's wild side yet.
We're told Nicole was involved in an altercation around 1 AM this morning with a female while in line at the valet outside the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. Sources say Richie was so rowdy she had to be escorted off the property by security!
What could cause Nicole Richie to go all mini ape on another girl? Did her sparring partner suggest that she thought that Paris Hilton was prettier than Nicole? Because that would set anybody off, not just Nicole. Anybody like Chyna. Or Rupaul. Or Spencer Pratt.
more »
June 24, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Plaid Party Till You Puke

Mary-Kate Olsen,
Nicole Richie and friends enjoy debaucherous party involving tons and tons of . . . plaid flannel? (
The Blemish)
Britney Spears sex tape caps? We dunno, dudes. No Bagel Bite residue on anything, so . . . (
Yeeeah!)
Mario Lopez kissed
Fergie and lived to tell the tale. (
Hollywire)
Heather Locklear just checked herself before she wrecked herself. Naw, she checked herself into a clinic to deal with depression and other psychological issues. (
Faded Youth)
Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and bustin' loose! Lock up your crack pipes and your Final Net! (
CelebWarship)
Hugh Hefner banged a lot of dames. And his sister-in-law. And a dude. (
Celebridiot)
In case you were wondering,
Jennifer Lopez is still a joyless harridan asshole. (
D-listed)
Pam Anderson bares her teeth, growls, and emits a fountain of champagne from her tit. (
Cityrag)
Anne Hathway's now-
ex boyfriend just got popped for posing as the Vatican's financial officer. Ahahaha, whatta cutup! (
Daily Stab)
Katherine Heigl ditches the
Huggabunch bikini in favor of the Rainbow Brite one. And pairs her UV rays with a few long hard drags off a cigarette. Cancerlicious! (
Drunken Stepfather)
June 05, 2008
Xtina Fights for Her Right to Party

We never thought we had any particular interest in
Christina Aguilera. She's got big jugs, she has actual talent, someone seriously needs to dig a hole in her backyard and throw in every scrap of makeup she owns for the good of mankind, she's married to a monkey. Our thoughts on Xtina pretty much end there. But this past week has proven that we secretly harbor a deep love for her (and her deepest, cleaviest crevice). Four days in a row of Christina stories! It's Xtina xtreem! Strap on your 'boarding boots and slam a Dew, cause Christina says it's a-OK to party, dudes.
People reports:
Make no mistake, Christina Aguilera loves her baby. But she likes the nightlife, too.
"Once in a while, if I want to go out and have a mommy-daddy night with my husband, I am more than allowed to do that," the singer who gave birth to son Max Liron in January told Access Hollywood.
This past weekend, for example, she hit Las Vegas's Pure nightclub at Caesars Palace to help celebrate the launch of an Xtina-inspired jewelry line, the Stephen Webster Silver Collection.
"I spend all day with my son," Aguilera, 27, told the TV show adding that any criticism of her late-night outings with husband Jordan Bratman is downright "mean spirited."
"Everybody has an opinion and everybody sometimes wants to cause drama," she said. "But it's something that comes with what you do and I learned that very early on."
God, what's the big deal? So the lady had a few drinks and groped on a girl a little bit. It's not like she took Max to the party and filled his bottle with Beam & Coke. He was probably safely asleep in his crib dreaming of Mommy's boobies. Which, come to think of it, was probably what we were doing at about the same time. That was a good night.
more »
May 19, 2008
Lily Allen Covers up Her Bangers, Airs out Her Gash

At left we have a photograph of British pop star
Lily Allen. So demure. So covered. So ladylike. But she's a smart girl; she knows what gets the attention of the press (and therefore what makes the kiddies buy records). So after the cut listen to Lily say, "F that Wino crackhead. I can do better than her." And by "do better than her," Lily means flash her furburger (with some actual fur on it!) in public.
more »
April 09, 2008
Pam Anderson Offers Her Breasts To Octogenarian Hugh Hefner

We know Hugh Hefner has a reputation to maintain as a world-class perv, but we're guessing what he really wanted for his 82nd birthday was a warm housecoat, some yummy strained peas, and a
Matlock box set. Instead what he got was
Pam Anderson waving her MagicTanned bald beaver in his face. Hopefully his cataracts prevented him from seeing more than an aura of orange rubber.
Page Six tells the tale of Hef's very special day:
HUGH Hefner got an early birthday surprise the other night when he and girlfriend Holly Madison entered his penthouse at the Palm in Vegas to be greeted by Pamela Anderson, who was stark naked except for a pair of high heels. "She was holding a cake, walked over to him, tussled his hair and wished him happy birthday. Hef couldn't believe it," one Playboy insider told us. "Pam wasn't paid to do it, she just wanted to show her love for Hef." The girly-mag czar turns a spry 82 today.
Is Hef the horniest man to ever walk the earth? Shouldn't his dick have fallen off from exhaustion about fifteen years ago? Or is he living on a constant cocktail of Adderall and Viagra? Perhaps he had a steel pole installed in his wang so he wouldn't have to go through the trouble of getting it up the old fashioned way. One of his rotating cast of girlfriends could just climb on while he's taking a nap.
more »
January 22, 2008
Two Hiltons and a Wall-humping Eggert: The Less Cinematic Side of Sundance

You might think a film festival is somewhere that people go in order to watch movies, but you'd be wrong. God, you're such a fucking moron, aren't you? People go to film festivals to get free shit they could easily afford and party-as-a-verb. At least if your last name is Hilton, anyway.
Page Six brings us the haps on Sundance, and Mr. Skin brings us the funbags on film, after the cut.
more »
January 02, 2008
Paris Checks Into Club Fed

Wigger, meet crotch chiggers.
Kevin Federline and
Paris Hilton partied together this past weekend.
People reports:
The unlikely duo of Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton caused heads to turn in Las Vegas over the pre-New Year's weekend. On Sunday, the duo partied together for the second night running. Both were in town to host separate New Year's Eve parties hers at LAX, his at Tangerine but each name attraction started celebrating early, hitting LAX on Saturday and Pure Nightclub on Sunday. A source close to Federline told PEOPLE that the two hung out in Hilton's room Saturday after leaving the club.
We don't know about that, People. This picture (and pictures don't lie, no matter what Jennifer Love Hewitt says) depicts Paris, her face a slackened canvas of longing, rubbing what we assume is her crotch or possibly ass on a befauxhawked Federline's person. And to his credit, K-Fed looks completely uninterested. The same cannot be said for the man behind Paris, freaking her with intense concentra--wait. Is that
Alan Thicke?
December 10, 2007
Paris Gets Punchy

Our love for
Stamos Nachos is well documented. He's delightfully unwashed, we've never heard him speak (not even in print), and he has the best fake name in celebritydom. That is, until our alter ego makes it big in Hollywood. No one will be able to beat Senor Assface, because it will continually keep the masses guessing: Does his ass look like a face, or does his face look like an ass? Such a mystery. But anyway, back to Nachos. The famous ladies just can't get enough of him. And sometimes their need for a chunk of his feta makes them punchy. According to Page Six:
PARIS Hilton desperately wants her ex, Stavros Niarchos, back, say sources who have followed her antics in Miami this week. The former lovers, who are in South Beach for the annual Art Basel festivities, provided a traveling sideshow as Hilton spent the week trailing Niarchos from spot to spot trying to get his attention. Hilton first ran into him at Mansion Wednesday night, where he was paid to host the official Art Basel kickoff party. When the Greek shipping heir showed up with Brandon Davis' ex-girlfriend, Caroline Vreeland, however, Hilton was not pleased. "Paris beelined for Stavros, but he was chatting up Caroline," said our source. "He was completely ignoring Paris, and she was furious. She shot them evil looks and finally stormed up to them and started screaming at Caroline." On Thursday, the celebutard followed Niarchos to three different clubs. One partygoer at Mokai, where the rich kids started their night, told us, "Paris saw that Stavros was with a girl, and she went crazy. She literally stood on Stavros' table and began screaming at him. Then she started dancing and trying to get his attention." The insider said that when Stavros and his date left Mokai and moved on to Set, Hilton followed: "Paris went to great lengths trying to get Stavros' date kicked out, begging club security to get rid of the girl." Our witness even claimed, "Paris was so furious, she ended up walking up to the girl and just punched her." But a rep for Hilton called that account baloney: "Paris was at both clubs but at no time physically struck anyone. These accusations are completely false."
We're kind of surprised that Paris would actually punch someone and not get her bodyguard to do it for her. We're also surprised that Stamos's ladyfriend wasn't the one to punch Paris in the face, as Paris was clearly making out with the girl's evening escort:

Really, why don't we hear more stories about Paris getting punched in the face? Surely she's provoked someone other than
Shanna Moakler in her "career" as a celebrity. Are girls today just too soft and weak? Are they afraid of breaking a nail? Or do high-school health classes teach them that you can catch herpes from skin-to-skin contact?
more »
December 05, 2007
Lindsay and Paris Chase the Same Nachos

That
Stamos Nachos is one hot potato. Since filling our lives with his ooey gooey cheesiness once again, he's been re-linked to
MK Olsen,
Paris Hilton, and now
Lindsay Lohan (and, yes, we recall that
just yesterday we brought you a story alleging that LiLo was f'ing
Heath Ledger, but the girl's a multitasker). They all need that tortilla crunch!
Page Six reports:
Lindsay Lohan is now spending time with her ex, Stavros Niarchos, after she dumped rehab buddy Riley Giles a week ago. Niarchos, who used to date both Lohan and her frenemy Paris Hilton, this time is sticking with the newly sober star. Hilton showed up to a party for the anti-smoking lozenge Ariva at Crimson in Hollywood the other night and tried to hook up with Niarchos - who, spies said, "wanted nothing to do with her and seemed so annoyed by her, he left the party" to go hang with Lohan. Hilton, unaware she had irked Niarchos, was then seen wandering around "asking where Stavros had gone."
C'mon now. We love our Nachos, but we'd never
date him. What exactly is the draw here? His Brendan Fraser in
Encino Man hair? His ability to block the rays of the sun with his towering frame and save a starlet from early wrinkling? His stellar record as a
lover of the lower classes? We would say it was his piles and piles of spanakopita-scented money, but two of the ladies in question just made
Forbes's list of the
20 top-earning young superstars under 25 (poor Hilty didn't make the list because she's an old hag of 26). Can someone please enlighten us here? We don't get it.
more »
December 03, 2007
Britney Spears Turns 26, Doesn't Mistake JJ for Cake and Eat Him

We are never satisfied. If
Britney Spears does something crazy, we want her to shape up and just be normal. When she does something normal, we want her to throw on a Charles Manson costume and start taking bites out of passersby on the street. (And, yes, we know that Charlie didn't eat people, but that would just add to the crazy.) So naturally we're a bit disappointed that Miss Britney Jean turned 26 years old without, say, accidentally marrying a transgendered trucker she met at Safeway. Instead she just hung out with
Sharon Stone.
MSNBC reports:
Britney Spears rang in her 26th year on Sunday and although she didnt have her kids with her, she was surrounded by friends, fun and plenty of swag.
At 9:56 p.m., Spears and her pals Alli Sims and Sam Lufit arrived at the Scandanavian Style Mansion where Sharon Stone was hosting a party. OK! magazine reports that around 11 p.m., a small chocolate birthday cake was presented to Spears and a small crowd broke in to Happy Birthday.
Editor-in-chief Sarah Ivens says that the pop princess seemed to be in a much better state that the last time the two were together; during a disastrous photo shoot that resulted in an unfortunate incident with Spears dog and a Zac Posen dress. Britney looked slim and pretty, Ivens says. I just kept thinking how much better it was this time around than the last time we spent time with her. We really hope this birthday and her new age will be a turning point.
And in case you were wondering, the gifting suites at the Mansion made sure the birthday was a memorable one for Spears. She reportedly received the following:
$30,000 in fur coats
A $10,000 diamond and gold ring
$4,000 in Barito brand sunglasses
Various t-shirts and hair products
This party had so much potential, but now that we know that Britney and Sharon can occupy the same space without pulling out each other's weaves/bleached spikes, our dreams of a crotch-flash off are forever dashed. But in case you were wondering, this is how it would go down:
Sharon: Leering in Britney's direction. "I'm just going to sit right here in this chair and demurely cross and uncross my legs. Does everyone have a good view? I can do it again if you didn't get a glimpse. Just go ahead and kneel down and look straight into the beaver."
Britney: "Aw shit, that's nothing, Shazza. That's how I greet my kids, older one and other one. Get a load of this." Hoists herself onto a conveniently placed grand piano, spreading her legs in an extra-wide obtuse angle while shimmying up to her post and keeping them spread like a drug smuggler in a holding cell once she's settled. "Nobody can flash cooter like I can flash cooter, old lady. Top this one."
At which point Sharon flees the room and throws herself down on her mink bedsheets for a good defeated cry.
And for extra fun, click on that Britney pic up there to make it bigger and stare at it until it's time to go home. It'll be better than working on your TPS reports.
more »
November 29, 2007
Tara Reid Already Smells Like a Hooker, Now She'll Dress Like One Too

And now for something that will not shock you at all:
Tara Reid is hosting a hookers ball in Australia.
MSN Australia reports:
Actress Tara Reid once one of Hollywood's most popular leading ladies is hosting a 'Hookers Ball' in Darwin this weekend.
The American Pie starlet's role in the 21st staging of Darwin's self-styled naughtiest night will include competing in the wet t-shirt contest, and a manager at the Discovery nightclub says Reid may be dressed up in lingerie or even as a prostitute.
"It's a night like your 'pimps and prostitutes' or sleaze balls, and it's just a night of less is best," hospitality manager Guy Dunne said.
"We thought Tara Reid would be a great choice
its a very naughty night and an opportunity to put your inhibitions down."
A flyer for the event says partygoers should expect "bondage beds, fantasy, latex, porn stars, erotic dancers, and a R rated very raunchy event" and a photo of a scantily-clad Reid sits below the promo blurb.
Mr Dunne says it was a big coup for the club and Darwin to have Reid host the event, saying they usually get passed over by "big-name stars".
"It's something our promotions team worked very hard for and we just managed to secure her in the last week," Mr Dunne said.
"I believe Tara Reid and her people were very enthusiastic to come here."
We knew Tara's career had pretty much gone to shit (not that the high points were all that high, excluding
My Boss's Daughter, of course), but we're pretty sure that hosting a hookers ball will directly lead to Tara starring in the sequel to
Topless Tapioca Wrestling under the stage name Fluffy Pussι.
more »
November 09, 2007
Orlando Bloom Takes a Stroll Down Penny Lane

And now for this week's installment of two random pretty people possibly porking, via
The San Francisco Chronicle:
Hollywood stars Kate Hudson and Orlando Bloom have sparked rumors of a new romance after they were caught kissing at a Halloween party.
The pair got together at a bash Hudson threw at her home in Pacific Palisades, Calif., on October 27, and the actress didn't care who saw them -- including her recent ex, actor Dax Shepherd.
An insider tells OK! magazine, "Kate and Orlando were talking, drinking and laughing. Then they just started going at it. They made out for ages and looked like they were really enjoying themselves. They didn't care who was watching.
"After that first make-out session, they walked around and talked to everyone as a couple. They were inseparable for the rest of the night."
Another onlooker adds, "At one point, Kate and Orlando were kissing in front of Dax. But he didn't seem to care at all."
Hudson's divorce from The Black Crowes frontman Chris Robinson was finalized just two days before her kissing marathon with Bloom, on October 25.
Other guests at the party included another rumored hot new Hollywood couple, Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon.
Can someone please explain to us how it is that Orlando Bloom keeps on landing super hot blondes? For all intents and purposes, he's a woman. A woman with a terrible mustache. Is the biggest secret in Hollywood that most hot actresses have a passion for
Lord of the Rings? Can they just not control their desires when faced with Legolas in the flesh? If Sean Astin weren't married would he be dating
Scarlett Johansson?
July 25, 2007
Ew.

Afterward Tom said, "Man,
Kate, that was hard work. But we did it, right? We made another baby?"
Grossness courtesy of
Us Weekly, obviously.
May 30, 2007
Nicole Richie Skips Burgers, Spends Entire Party Budget on Booze

Try as she might,
Nicole Richie just doesn't possess the patriotic three-day-weekend spirit. Holiday weekends aren't
just about drinking until
one of your friends ends up in the hospital; they're also about eating massive quantities of grillables and potato salad and BBQ buffalo chips. To her, eating four Baked Lays may seem like totally pigging out and warrant a four-hour stint on the elliptical the next day, but she's got nothing on your uncle Earl's Monday goal of polishing off four entire packages of beer brats before dusk. Uncle Earl really loves America.
more »
May 24, 2007
Victoria Silvstedt: a Gnat Buzzing Around Mischa Barton's Orbit

In the John Hughes movie of life,
Mischa Barton is Andie and
Victoria Silvstedt is Duckie Dale.
You heard us.
more »
May 23, 2007
You Mean Vodka Is Alcohol? Oh Crap.

Remember how you felt when
Lindsay Lohan went to rehab? You probably thought, "Thank Vishnu. She'll finally slow down and maybe stay home and read
Cosmo once in a while instead of partying every night." But girl didn't even stop partying while she was
in rehab. Plus, there's really nothing Lindsay could learn from reading
Cosmo. Although she could probably write a really awesome step-by-step instructional piece on how give the perfect blowjob.
more »
May 03, 2007
A Tale of Lindsay, Coke, and a Rat
Lindsay Lohan! Rats! Illicit behavior! Ryan Seacrest! That
Page Six sure knows how to craft a riveting story. If they had just thrown in
Nicole Richie giving a handjob to a baby elephant they would've been a shoo-in for a Pulitzer.
more »
April 09, 2007
Stamos Nachos Not Greasy Bear's BFF

Today we bring you a very special story of a budding feud between our favorite non-celebrity celebrities,
Greasy Bear and
Stamos Nachos. It's kind of like one of those
Battle of the Network Stars come to life where the contestants consist of a few
Price Is Right models, the left center square from
Hollywood Squares, and Charles Nelson Reilly.
more »
March 08, 2007
Brandon Davis Hates Arabs, Self

You may remember
this story about
Brandon Davis inviting
Paula Abdul to lick a mysterious part of his anatomy. It seems that Greasy Bear didn't stop there, also taking aim at her Middle Eastern heritage. Funny thing, though: Greasy Bear's rightful surname is Zarif and he's half Turkish.
The New York Daily News reports:
Brandon crossed paths with Abdul at Paris Hilton's recent Los Angeles birthday party, where his behavior caused her to flee.
"He was mocking her," says a witness. "He kept on saying her last name over and over again, and then would insert his made-up version of an Arabic language. He was being very lewd and graphic and making sexual overtures to her in between being completely insulting."
We're all for making fun of Paula Abdul. In fact, our water-cooler impression of Paula slurring, "I'vvve nesvvver beeeen drissssunk," kills every day at 1:00 and 4:00. But at least make fun of her frightening,
Tori Spelling-like boob chasm, not her ethnicity. Also, what's next, Brandon? A tirade about
Fred Durst being fat and greasy and proof that humans are at heart disgusting and vile creatures?
March 07, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "Spread 'em!"

Courtney Love says she saw a gigantic pile of
white powder at
Paris Hilton's birthday party. So? It was just talc for Paris's new orange body/chalk face kabuki look (left).
Elizabeth Hurley got
married. So . . . that's great. For her. Good job, or something.
Sienna Miller says, "This year is the
Year of the Slut! Spread 'em! That's my motto for 2007." Chinese New Year was just a few weeks ago, try. Now, we can't remember, is the Year of the Slut before or after the Year of the Tiger?
Drop a little sumthin down some celebrity plumber's
baby's daddy, too, LOL!" Yes, yes, O.J., we see you, honey. Yes, we're paying attention. That's very nice, sweetheart.
Nicole Kidman pooped her bikini bottoms! Aw, we're just jerking your bird--it's just sand. Sandy
poop!
And speaking of sand,
Shauna Sand seems to have
lost her bra, along with the "Lamas".
Eva Mendes,
nude yet covered, featuring curious, hairless, cleave-less, poreless Barbie crotch.
Britney is reportedly
"struggling" in rehab. Apparently, she didn't know that there wasn't any ecstasy in there, y'all!
Nicole Richie's boyfriend
punched a lady in the titty!!!
The power of
voodoo. Who do?
Angelina do. Do what? The voodoo.
February 27, 2007
Brandon Davis Wants to Be Carrot Top of Insult Comedy
Paris Hilton should just dispense with the nonsense that she has a birthDATE and declare an entire birthYEAR. That way she can celebrate turning twenty-six every single weekend for the remainder of 2007. And if we're lucky
Greasy Bear will attend every single celebration, yelling out possibly offensive slogans at every passing celeb in hopes of regaining his
Firecrotch glory.
more »
February 20, 2007
Paris Hilton Parties with Goats. Or: Just Another Saturday.
Paris Hilton's 26th birthday involved two dates, a shout out from Ludacris, a monkey, a "band of midgets," and a "pack of goats." She's making your masturbation-and-molestation themed b-day bash look a little lame. You looked hot in that trench coat though.
more »
February 06, 2007
Justin's Bringing ScarJo Back

Yesterday we spun a yarn involving
Tom Cruise standing behind
Katie Holmes and attempting to mimic
genital-to-ass contact with gyrating motions, while
Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony expressed their love via song nearby. Then we even showed you video proof. But today we awoke feeling guilty. Was such a story really necessary? How many otherwise delicious and wholesome lunchtime meals did we ruin with our brazen implication that Tom would just
love to slip his wiener into any available Katie opening? Well, today we're going to rectify yesterday's wrong by telling you a much more palatable tale of celeb-on-celeb grinding involving
Scarlett Johansson and
Justin Timberlake.
more »
February 05, 2007
TomKat "Freaking" Probably Freaking Disgusting
Tom Cruise's likes: football, Miami Beach, "freaking" to theme songs from his own movies with his beautiful and amazing wife, whom he has sex with every damn day--three times, dammit, cause he's that much of a man.
Katie Holmes's likes: Tom-approved outings that give her fleeting glimpses of the sun, being allowed to attend events where she can--finally!--wear one of the four hundred pairs of shoes she's bought at Barney's in the past year.
more »
January 17, 2007
Cammy D Hatin' on Jessie B
Cameron Diaz will not stand for being followed in the sack by a
les-leaning TV star with a huge ass. She is g.d. Cameron Diaz. She is a movie star! And who cares if she's dressed as Bozo the Clown jumping out of a
multi-tiered wedding cake? At least she wasn't on
7th Heaven.
more »
Tom Cruise Tests a New Model

When