CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.

filed under: Paris Hilton

June 23, 2009

Paris Hilton Doesn't Care About Your Social Conventions

paris-hilton-hides-her-boobs.jpg When we think of Paris Hilton, we think: rebel! She's so unconventional. She doesn't pony to anybody's rules. You can't tell her what to . . . oh, wait. Did we say Paris Hilton? We meant someone else. Probably Bijou Phillips. We're always getting them confused. No, we're pretty sure Paris will do just about anything you tell her to. Especially if you say that putting her name on a line of glittery body lotion for Claire's will help starving orphan children in India buy their pet baby elephants ringworm medicine or something. So it's a bit confounding that while filming a new season of her reality show (yep, someone thought she needed another) in Dubai she wore a bikini even when she was told not to. A source said:
Paris had made a big public speech, saying how much she loved the Middle East and respected its culture. But the following day she was prancing around on the beach in her bikini and posing provocatively.

Bosses warned her Western tourists have been jailed for flouting the rules.
Oh, come on. A little warning about disapproving looks and sneers and name calling isn't going to stop Paris. She's totally used to that. We're pretty sure that even if outraged Dubaiians (we're going with it) started pelting her with rocks and screaming whore she'd just wave back and say, "I love you! You're the best! Kisses!"
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June 19, 2009

Wait Till They See What's Printed on the TP

paris-hilton-dog-stupid-costume.jpg Of course of Paris Hilton has nude pictures of herself hanging all over her house. And of course she would invite Access Hollywood over and point and giggle and say, "You can see my boobies, teehee." You know you weren't expecting her to be all like, "This is an original, one-of-a-kind sketch given to my great-grandfather by Picasso himself. It's a really excellent example of cubism, though personally I prefer his rose period, my favorite being La famille de saltimbanques." So don't even try to pretend that you expected anything less from her. Says IMDb of the Access Hollywood tour:
Hilton showed off the Marilyn Monroe portraits that hang over her four-poster bed and shocked with candid poster-sized photos of the heiress naked, hugging a toy cat and sitting in a Hummer (vehicle) with her pet Chihuahua Tinkerbell poking out between her legs.

She chuckled, "That's me in a Hummer with Tinkerbell, in the buff."
Paris Hilton in a Hummer with Tinkerbell, in the buff. God. Now that's art.
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June 12, 2009

CNW Junk Drawer: Heidi Montag Twatt

heidi-montag-painting-500x388.jpg • You WILL see Heidi Montag nude in Playboy. Just what you always wanted! (Yeeeah!)

• Hands off the Brad Pitt. Do not touch the Brad Pitt. That means you, Ann Curry. (Anything Hollywood)

• When Megan Fox gets a manicure, she actually gets a pedicure. Get it? No? Click on the link then, Einstein. (The Blemish)

• Real Madrid soccer dude Cristiano Ronaldo allegedly let Paris Hilton handle his balls. (The Hollywood Gossip)

• Aw, Britney found a nice boy. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Cher's kid, Chastity Bono, is transitioning into a dude. You go Chaz. P.S. Insert obligatory "gonna have a Bono" joke here. (Bitten and Bound)

• Part Gollum, part Grinch, and allllllll sexy: Phil Spector without his wig(s). (CelebWarship)

• Usher and his wife are splitzo. (Pop on the Pop)

• Sandra Bullock likes her tits. Heeeeeey, so do we! BFFS!!!! (Daily Stab)

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Paris Hilton: Produce Pelter

paris-hilton-licks-fruit-kabab.jpg We do not pretend to have an insight into the vast empty spaces of Paris Hilton's mind. That's not particularly a place we want to spend our time. It would maybe beat the jungle where I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here is filming as a vacation destination, but that's about it. So why did she throw fruit at some lady who was chatting up her (now ex) boyfriend? We have no clue. Maybe she thought the girl looked hungry? Maybe Paris is going to make the fruititarian diet the next big trend? Page Six explains:
According to a spokesperson for Texas beauty queen Kendhal Beal, Paris went into "a tirade" because Beal was partying with Reinhardt, Hilton's beau of six months.

The rep told us, "Kendhal and a friend of hers ended up at Darkroom, where Doug and Brody Jenner were hanging out."

"Kendhal knows Brody and Doug, and so they were talking and catching up. They all took a shot and were watching the Lakers game," said the rep. "But Paris got word that Doug was at the bar, and she showed up and started going at it."

Beal's rep told Page Six, "Paris was picking up ice and fruit and throwing it at Kendhal -- she was the victim. Kendhal did nothing offensive or aggressive. Paris was throwing accusations, calling her names. It was the same thing you always hear about Paris and her tirades."
We don't think that's how it went down. More likely Paris instructed a burly member of her entourage to throw detritus at Beal while Paris herself pouted into a compact mirror.
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June 11, 2009

Paris Hilton Dumps BF Through Publicist. Classier Than Text Ditch?

paris-hilton-eats-pizza.jpg Remember when Matt Damon went on Oprah and was all like, "I'm totally single, not attached to anyone at all, so all you pretty ladies out there, hit me up," and Minnie Driver, watching at home, was all like, "Uh, WTF? I'm your girlfriend, you assbag. Did you seriously forget to break up with me before you announced it to the world?" That was funny. Well, for everyone except Minnie Driver, that is. Now class act Paris Hilton is taking the same tack. Just when we thought we'd finally have to learn the name of the dude from The Hills she was porking, Paris saved us the hassle by having her publicist tell the media that she was officially in the market for a new vadge voyager. Only problem is, she didn't tell the dumped dork first. Paris's pub told People:
In response to the enquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. They remain friends and ask that you please respect their privacy.
And then when E! asked the fake actor to comment on the break-up, the poor sap said:
No, that's not true. Everything is Ok between us.
Oh, that's just sad. Thanks a lot, Paris. You made us feel vague sympathy for a cast member of The Hills. Thanks a fucking lot.
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May 29, 2009

Paris Hilton Has Audacity to Call Something "Lame and Fake"

paris-hilton-orange-fake-tan.jpg We have tried really, really hard to pay absolutely no attention to the man currently servicing Paris Hilton's poon. We do not at all care who he is, if he is famous for something other than his nonchalance in the faces of herpes sores, or if he is worth even half a second of thought. But today is a rather slow gossip day, and Paris has been saying stupid shit, so we've inadvertently learned what her man friend does. He's on The Hills. We're still not sure about his name though. Doug, we think, last name, something German. Please don't make us think about it any longer. Anyway, Paris doesn't like The Hills. Hey! And we thought we'd never have anything in common with her! She told Us Weekly:
The show is, like, so lame and fake. He doesn't even want to be a part of it. They make up relationships when they’re not there, and he just thinks it's lame. I've never seen the show in my life. I have no idea what it's about. But he just thought it was cheesy.
Um, lame and fake? Did she also call The Hills a sex-tape star and then insult its dog Tinkerbell?
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May 22, 2009

Slurp

paris_hilton_tongue_doug.jpgWe always suspected that kissing Paris Hilton would feel kind of like kissing Cthulu. Now we have photographic proof. She's either trying to smell Doug Reinhart's face with her tongue, like a cobra, or she's actually singing some high notes a la Adam Lambert.
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May 13, 2009

Paris Parades Her Patooty

paris-hilton-bikini-ass-crack3.jpg Just yesterday we were complaining about the lack of celebrity bikini shots. But perhaps Leighton Meester's tender, succulent rump on the beach has sparked a celeb ass-off. We'll soon see shots of every seat in Tinseltown sneaking out from behind spandex. First up, Paris Hilton, who's all like, "Gossip Girl? I am the original gossip girl. Without me, that Blair would just be some sad little rich girl who's never even had her own movie. Hell, I had a whole movie named after me! Who is she to think she's better than me? Look at this ass! Look at it! Now! I'll even give you a little crack so you know it's an ass and not a pair of lumpy throw pillows stuffed down there. Where's your ass crack, Meester? What, are you above public nudity? Are you too modest to show anything more than a little undercheek? Pony it up, Leighton. We're waitin'." Obviously when it comes to lack of modesty, Paris is the winner of any challenge. The only thing she hasn't shown us are her herpes sores.

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May 07, 2009

What's Your Job, Paris? "Uh, Bein' Purty?"

paris-hilton-reads-glasses.jpg We know how things work in Hollywood. You don't have to have any actual talent or skills or do any real work if you look pretty in a fancy dress and have name recognition. We're hip to their jive. But aren't celebrities at least supposed to give us working folk the impression that they deserve all that money and fame? Not if we're talking about Paris Hilton. She just, like, does stuff, y'know. Like breathe and smile and cash checks. Although she probably has someone to do that last part for her. Because, as Jenny from the Block taught us, it takes hard work to cash checks. And hard work is bad for the skin. Anyway, Paris Hilton doesn't know what a producer does. Even though she is one. Page Six says:
PARIS Hilton is trying to prove her work ethic. The heirhead is being sued for $8.3 million by Worldwide Entertainment Group, an investor in her 2006 bomb "Pledge This!" for allegedly failing to promote the film or its subsequent DVD release. But even funnier than the thought of Hilton missing a promotional opportunity is the deposition filed this week in Miami Federal Court. Hilton claimed, "Any chance I got . . . I would just bring it up," by saying, "Oh, my new sorority film, it's going to be sexy, it's going to be really hot girls." The hotel heiress was also a producer of the film, though she doesn't really know what that job entailed. She said, "I'm not sure what a producer does, but -- I don't know, help get cool people in the cast."
Ah, we get the confusion. Rick Salomon must've told Paris he was a producer when he snagged her for the small, elite cast of 1 Night in Paris.
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April 23, 2009

Guess What Paris Hilton's Thinking About

paris-hilton-guess-ad1.jpg Subtle, Paris, reallllly subtle. Was a cat not available for the photo shoot? Could you not find a skywriter to scrawl "Come take a big ol' bite of my pussy" above your head on short notice? Cause we're pretty sure that's exactly what this photo says. Not, "Hey, pretend it's 1988 and buy some super hip Guess clothes." Nope. "Stick it in, big boy. Pick a hole." That's it. We're actually starting to think that Paris has an unfortunate medical condition deserving of some sort of telethon. Unless that perpetually slack jaw is a look she's cultivating, which is just sad.



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Get more pics of Paris Hilton's Guess ads at Celebitchy.
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April 08, 2009

It's a Beautiful Day . . . to Scratch Your Balls

bono-U2-beach-shirtless-hand-in-pants.jpg At first we thought this was a picture of Robin Williams saying good morning, Vietnads, but then we realized that for Robin Williams to show that much skin would involve at least one full case of Nair. No, that's OG tool Bono. And as always he's a bit behind the times. Paris Hilton's been rocking that move since at least '06.







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April 03, 2009

Poor Paris Picked on, Pushed

paris-hilton-doug-reinhardt-cold-sore.jpg We are very, very unhappy about the fact that we have been forced to learn the name of another man sticking his wick into Paris Hilton's poon-a-loon. Couldn't she just bring back Stamos Nachos again? Or Man Paris? Make it easy on us? We don't know who the hell this Doug Reinhardt guy is. We think he has something to do with Brody Jenner, who we're still not quite clear on, fame-wise, but at least we know who his daddy is. That's a start. But Paris sure is happy to have a strapping young lad around to beat off six (six!) men at once and defend her honor. She explained on her very own blog (isn't that cute?):
Just checking in to say hello and clear a few things up. I've been getting a lot of calls and emails regarding these subjects I'm about to discuss. First of all, last night at a club my boyfriend and I were assaulted for no reason at all. The DJ (I don't even know his name cause he sucks so bad) was playing the worst music ever! I like certain techno music, but this was not even danceable and was frankly giving me a migraine. I asked one of my friends who runs the hotel if he could change the music and he said " I'll lead you up to the DJ booth tell him and he'll play whatever you want." So he walked Doug and I over there. I asked the DJ if he could please play Daft Punk or Bob Sinclair and he rudely snapped at me and was like 'I only play this kind of music." I think he was jealous cause Bob Sinclair is a far better DJ then this guy by about a million times. He was so unbelievably rude and all because I asked to play one good song. Then out of nowhere his bodyguard (don't ask me why he has a bodyguard, like he really needs one. Ha) pushed me really hard, that's when my boyfriend, like my knight in shining armor, stepped in and told the guy to keep his hands off of me. Then all hell broke loose, it was like something out of a fight movie, it was so frightening. I had never seen anything like it in my life. Doug was fighting off like 6 guys. But he was of course stronger then them all but one of the idiots punched him in the face and busted open his lip. There was blood all over, I cried I was so upset and scared. It was ridiculous and for such a stupid reason, I cannot believe people behave this way, like ainmals! FYI this is not in my nature to be in club brawls, I;ve never been around anything like that. It was totally unprovoked and thank God Doug was there to rescue me. A man should NEVER put his hands on a woman in that manner.
Man, that sure is an elaborate story. But we guess Paris needed to explain Doug's red, scabby lip somehow. And saying "Yep, I gave him the herp" is all that ladylike.
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March 12, 2009

CNW Junk Drawer: My Paris Lies Over the Ocean

Paris_hilton_reinhardt.jpg • Paris Hilton, in a bikini, hits the beach with her new beau, wearing Jamz. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Jenny McCarthy and Botox, sitting in a tree. (IMDb)

• On again/off again couple Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are off again. Until the engagement rumors start, oh, in 5 hours or so. (The Blemish)

• Katy Perry sexy in Esquire magazine. She's got big chugs and we like it. (Yeeeah!)

• Chris Brown will not be receiving a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award, despite him being a terrific role model for children, what with the girlfriend beating and all. (Anything Hollywood)

• It's rumored that 3 of the Kardashian sisters will get nude in Playboy. Best have a tri-fold cover to house all dat azz. (Faded Youth)

• Anne Heche gave birth to her second son yesterday. His name is Atlas. Who gave Celestia a copy of 1001 Names for Your Newborn? (Celebitchy)

• According to the folks at Dancing with the Stars, Denise Richards is a harridan on par with Faye Dunaway mixed with Joan Crawford mixed with Helen Lawson. (Pop on the Pop)

• Aw. Poor James Franco. Little guy's all tuckered out. Shhh. (CelebWarship)

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March 05, 2009

CNW Junk Drawer: Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes Dash of Her Board

paris_hilton_bentley.jpg• Diamond Dash is neither the game that came preloaded on your cell phone nor the new baby of mogul Damon Dash. It's what Paris Hilton just paid $280,000 to have installed in her pink Bentley. It's the economy, sluthead! (The Blemish)

• Holly Madison will be replacing an injured Jewel on Dancing with the Stars. Because to find someone to fill Jewel's shoes, they needed someone with similarly large chugs. (Daily Stab)

• So maybe Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green aren't really broken up after all. Because, apparently, she's "addicted" to his ding dong. Here, have a bucket for that retching. There ya go. (Yeeeah!)

• Ashlee Simpson brings Bronx Mowgli out into the urban jungle. Hahahaha, get it? (CelebWarship)

• Miley Cyrus admits she underwent harrowing bullying at school. Then she came home and jumped in her swimming pool full of mink stoles and had the Hope Diamond for dinner. (Wesbster's Is My Bitch)

• Kanye West's new beard girlfriend, Amber Rose, is frankly quite hot. (Drunken Stepfather)

• James Franco got a book deal. Okay. (Celebitchy)

• Hollywood dudes who wear too much makeup. Hahahaha! Look at you! Nice mascara, pansy! Bwahahaha! (Bitten and Bound)

• Phil Collins has retired from music to collect artifacts from the Alamo. Because he can. (Holy Moly)

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February 26, 2009

CNW Junk Drawer: Spongeworthy

julia-louis-dreyfus-shape-magazine.jpg• Julia Louis-Dreyfus is 48 but her abs are 17. GET. OUT. (Yeeeah!)

• HOLY SHITTING HELL BEANS! LAUREN CONRAD IS FUCKING LEAVING THE MOTHERHUMPING HILLS! WHAT IN THE STINKING CRAP CLIT!!!! (Allie Is Wired)

• Half nude Odette Yustman in Arena mag. Ain't she yust the prettiest little thing. (Cityrag)

• Paris Hilton is getting did by Doug Reinhardt. (Fatback)

• Freida Pinto. Her name sounds like she should be a dumpy hausfrau with yeast infections in her armpits, but she's the lovely star of Slumdog Millionaire, and she's looking sexy in GQ. (Anything Hollywood)

• Sophie Anderton is pretty much naked in Zoo mag. Pretty much. (Gone Hollywood)

• When it comes to the pachanga, Steve-O is serious. Dead serious. (Celeb Warship)

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February 17, 2009

Unto You a Paris Is Born

paris_hilton_upskirt_11.jpg On this day, in 1981 . . . magic happened. Kathy Hilton spread her legs, grunted, and shat unto this world a child. A child that would grow up to become the symbol of retarded excess, crooked eyeballs, night vision blow jobs, and wearing hair extensions in jail. That child is Paris Hilton, and today she is 27 years young! What would this website be without Paris? We'd be a lot less prolific. And we'd have fewer STDs. But what better way to celebrate such an auspicious day than with the lady of the hour giving us an upskirt shot? She's wearing underwear, coupled with baggy tights, giving her the appearance of having one shriveled testicle. But it's very apropos: saggy hose for a saggy ho. Happy birthday, Paris. In spite of our ribbing and jibes, we sincerely worship your flappy ass, girl.

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February 10, 2009

Ebony and Ivory, Again

parisfuglyashell1.jpgWhat's the best way to inject some zazz into a musical career that's faltering before it's even taken off? Add some T Pain vocoder! Or mix in a Beatle, that works too. Just not Ringo. And that's exactly what Paris Hilton is trying to do. Stars are blind! According to our own personal gossip Linda Perry, Female First:
Paris Hilton wants to duet with Sir Paul McCartney.The hotel heiress- whose debut album 'Paris' failed to set the charts alight when it was released in 2006- cornered the Beatles legend at the Grammy Awards after-show party (08.02.09) and proposed a musical collaboration.

According to Britain's The Sun newspaper, Paris was reportedly overheard saying: "I'd love to do a duet with you. I'm a singer too and have had an album out."

An onlooker said: "Sir Paul was minding his own business when Paris traipsed right up to him and introduced herself. He looked bemused, smiled and nodded- then stumbled out that he'd have to check his schedule. I don't think we'll be hearing the duet any time soon."
We have visions of the "Say Say Say" video dancing in our heads. Only instead of Paul and Michael Jackson in period costumes selling snake oil out of the back of a truck, we have Paul and Paris in porkpie hats selling home-brewed Valtrex.
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February 03, 2009

Don't Worry About the Economy, Guys; Paris Hilton Has It under Control

paris-hilton-carries-shopping-bags.jpg We know you lost your job and your house is about to go into foreclosure and you ate an expired can of Fancy Feast for breakfast, but buck up, soldier! Help is on the way. Help in the form of Paris Hilton, who is going to personally save the economy with her AmEx Black card. Yay! Says WENN:
Paris Hilton has promised to help the struggling global economy by doing what she does best - shopping. The multi-millionairess admits her income has not been affected by the current international financial crisis, with many promoters still paying her thousands of dollars just to make an appearance at certain nightclubs.

And Hilton is adamant that she can give the retail industry a boost - by continuing her excessive spending.

She tells British magazine Heat, "It's really scary about the economy right now. So the way I'm playing my part in helping is doing a lot of shopping wherever I go."

The socialite previously pledged her help to the American economy by vowing only to wear clothes by U.S. fashion designers.
We're actually kind of proud of Paris on this one. She sees a correlation between money and the economy. We would have thought that she would offer to fix all of the world's problems by always having a smile on her face or throwing a party or something.
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January 28, 2009

Paris Hilton Says: Prime Minister, Reality-Show Chef, Same Dif

paris-hilton-is-smart-reads-book.jpg Oooh, that Paris Hilton. She so stupid. She doesn't know simple things that everyone knows. Like this one time, we were hanging out, and I was all like, "Hey, Paris, what's the capital of Somalia?" and she was like, "Salami? How can salami have a capital? You eat it." Our own personal English tutor, FemaleFirst, reports:
Paris Hilton believes TV chef Gordon Ramsay is the British Prime Minister.

The hotel heiress made the embarrassing statement while in England to promote her new reality TV show 'Paris Hilton's British Best Friend' last night (27.01.09).

After explaining she is desperate to find a UK pal because she "loves Britain" and "London is her favourite city in the world", the 27-year-old socialite was asked who the Prime Minister of the country was.

Rather than replying 'Gordon Brown', Paris said: "It's Gordon... Gordon Ramsay?"

The star did correct herself later on, insisting she had only made the mistake as she had recently eaten at one of the famed chef's restaurants.
As much as we like to make fun of Paris at every opportunity, we're going to give her a pass on this one. We're pretty sure that if we were asked that question our answer would be Tony Blair, so who are we to judge? We are pretty certain though that Paris probably thinks that the President of the United States is either Sarah Palin or Kiefer Sutherland.
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January 21, 2009

Paris Hilton Makes Sex Tape, Freaks Sting

parisfuglyashell1.jpg Oft-nude Paris Hilton has been keeping a low profile since her breakup with a Madden. Sure, there was the nip slip that wormed its way into Repo! The Genetic Opera, but that was filmed long ago and doesn't count. So we're glad to hear she's over her self-imposed hussy exile and is back to doing what she does best: making sex tapes and wiping her ham tunnel on random famous guys. According to Fox, Paris is having a good time at Sundance, grinding on Sting:
Sting and the hotel heiress were happily dancing together when things got a little dirty and the moves turned into grinding. Apparently the photographers intentionally refrained from snapping the twosome to stop rumors from running rampant, although Sting’s wife of almost 18 years, Trudie Styler, was present at the party and laughed the promiscuous performance off as “a bit of good fun.”
Oh, and also the CEO of MySpace, says NYDN:
A source told the New York Daily News newspaper: “They were grinding each other on the dance floor forever, before lying together on a banquette. Then the couple began sucking face hard. They left out the back door, with her hand in his pants pocket.”

Although a MySpace spokesperson refused to comment on the story, an insider at the social networking website said: “This is what happens when altitude affects your brain. They’re just having fun.”
And there may be another Paris Hilton sex tape out there. Says The Sun:
PARIS HILTON made ANOTHER sex tape of herself, according to a new book.

The hotel heiress, 27, is "seen in a state of arousal in a New York taxi" in the footage, according to explosive new tome Six Degrees of Paris Hilton by MARK EBNER.

As well as the racy footage, he says there are also excerpts from Paris’ grandmother’s funeral.
At this point, we think the funeral footage is probably more erotic than the sex tape. Everyone's seen Paris banging. Even inmates in solitary confinement are like, "Paris sex tape? Ehhhh, no thanks, I'll just sit here and play tic tac toe on my shin with a fingernail."
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December 30, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Merry Xmas Paris, Here's Some Herpes

paris_hilton_herpes_lip.jpg• Paris Hilton parts her luscious lips and dangles her gloss-shellacked chancre at the camera. Cheese! (Yeeeah!)

• Mariah Carey's smuggling some warm, milky snowballs in that ski jacket of hers. (Pop on the Pop)

• Salma Hayek pulls a Britney. (Drunken Stepfather)

• A beautiful and heartwarming collection of the year's most inspiring celebrity plastic surgery. (Cityrag)

• Bronx Mowgli Wentz revealed. Where's his loincloth and dutch boy bob? (Hollywire)

• Janine Lindemulder gets six months in the can. We hope she will use the experience for a women in prison porn. (Celebitchy)
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December 18, 2008

Go Deep Inside Paris Hilton—Very, Very Deep

paris-hilton-smart-reads-art-of-war.jpg You just know there are pearls of wisdom hidden in the cavities of Paris Hilton's brain. Kitson's return policy? Contact information for Us Weekly staffers? Which shade of mascara goes best with bottle blonde hair? Paris is your girl. And now thanks to an article in Esquire called "Paris Hilton: What I've Learned," you can dive in the depths of Paris's vast knowledge. Some highlights:
• I put pheromones in a lot of my fragrances, and that attracts people to you. My new fragrance is called Fairy Dust. I'm dressed kind of like Tinkerbell.

• You may not be able to be hot when you're seventy-five in a conventional sense. Like, young people won't think you're hot. But your husband will, and so will people your own age.

• Having a nightclub in your house really helps for having a party, because then you don't need to go out.
Wow, that last one just blew our mind. You know what else is helpful in a house? A kitchen. Because then you don't have to order take out every time you're hungry. Oh, and a bathroom. Because then you don't have to shit in the yard.
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December 03, 2008

Paris Hilton Addicted to Something Other Than Her Own Image

Paris_Hilton_sad_pouty.jpg People become addicted to many things: drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping, that one really expensive hooker who doesn't give you a disgusted look when you tell her what you want to do to her. But not Paris Hilton. She's more complicated. She's addicted to skydiving. We guess Valtrex doesn't count as an addictive substance. Sayeth IMDb:
Paris Hilton is "addicted" to skydiving - after throwing herself out of a plane to celebrate her birthday last year.

The 27-year-old socialite is known for teetering around in high heels and skimpy outfits in the Hollywood party scene.

But Hilton insists she's become an adrenaline junkie since taking part in her first parachute jump in February 2007.

She says, "I went for my birthday last year and got addicted, it's so much fun. I was (terrified) but it's such a rush, it's really thrilling."
Ooooh, we bet this is subtle promotion for her second album. You know, the one that she recorded even though not one single person who has ever stepped inside the offices of Warner or Sony or whatnot has agreed to sell the thing. The first single will be a modern-day re-imagining of Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love" called "Addicted to Strapping on a Parachute then Jumping out of an Airplane and Pulling the Ripcord before My Very Important and Genius Brains Get Splattered all over the Ground." Sure, maybe not the catchiest title in history, but we hear Paris has been really into Panic at the Disco lately, so it makes sense. And obviously it will be brilliant, especially the video, with lots of black-dress, red-lipstick-wearing Parises dancing behind a white-shirted singing Paris. Genius. more »
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November 24, 2008

Paris Hilton Finds a New Victim Friend

paris_hilton_avril_lavigne.jpg Paris Hilton has a very short attention span. While she tried to overcome this fault by getting faux punk cooties from Benji Madden, a girl's got to roam. Roam right into the ooey, gooey, cheesy arms of Stamos Nachos. And now that Paris is free to party as she pleases, she's taken another young blonde pop tart into her metaphorical vaginal folds for some much needed guidance. Guidance that will likely include gems like "Panties are for prudes" and "Don't sleep with that guy; he has crabs (itches crotch)." We think it's highly unlikely that Avril Lavigne will repeat Britney's Cooter Fest '06, even if she has split from her Canuck mall punk husband, but who knows. Maybe Avril's carefully orchestrated "Fuck all you norms, I'm an individual" attitude paired with Paris's powers of coercion and love of wide open beavers will collide into a nice repeat performance. But Avril will have to try really, really hard if she wants to upstage Britney. Maybe some exposed anus would do the trick. Or maybe a not-quite-developed set of cock and balls. more »
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November 20, 2008

You're In Luck, Boys

paris_hilton_benji_madden.jpgThe rich smell of yeasty quim fills the still morning air. It's quiet. Too quiet. From a distance far away yet close enough to send chills up one's spine, a mighty cry: "COCCCCK!" You freeze, pause, wait. And then, closer this time. "COOOOOOCCCCKKKKKKK!" Suddenly, from out of nowhere, it swoops down, its lazy eye rolling in its head, its curved beak snapping angrily, coming mere centimeters from your crotch. It is the dread beast Paris Hilton! Its mate has flown the coop! It is hungry for penis! US Weekly reports:
Paris Hilton and Benji Madden called it quits Tuesday after nine months of dating, a rep for Hilton confirms exclusively to Usmagazine.com. "Even though they are still in love, they felt it would be better to just be friends," a source close to Hilton, 27, tells Us.

The reason for the split? "Benji was overprotective and controlling. He doesn't get along with any of her friends," the source tells Us. "Friends thought Paris had changed since being with Benji and she wants to be herself again."

The couple stayed faithful to each other, stresses the source. Hilton was spotted with her ex, shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, in Miami over the weekend, while Madden, 29, hung in NYC with his bro, Joel (beau of Hilton's best friend, Nicole Richie).

"Nothing went on between Paris and Stav in Miami," the source tells Us. "She was there for a girls weekend with her BFFs."
Oh please, like Paris has friends? Anyway, you can't blame a girl for wanting to leave the teetotaling confines of a Madden and slide headlong into the warm, gooey jalapeno-flecked crunch of Stamos Nachos. more »
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November 18, 2008

Paris Hilton Returns to the Comfort of Nachos

Paris_Hilton_Stavros_Niarchos2.jpg Our life has seemed a bit empty, a bit cold, a bit lacking in gooey deliciousness lately. Why? Benji Madden, that's way. He has taken the place that rightfully belongs to another. Another by the name of Stamos Nachos. And that place is Paris Hilton's well-trod vagina. Luckily Stamos Nachos is not one to climb his beanstalk and bask in his meltyness while quietly crying to himself. He goes after what is his. Which is what we can only assume he is doing in these pics from Mr. Paparazzi. Stamos has finally realized that he cannot lose to an eyelinered faux punk. He is better than that. And he has more money. And more luscious curls. Naturally we have longed for this day. But now that it has (seemingly) arrived, what will we wish for next? For Boy Paris to return to reclaim his former fiancιe only to get brutally beaten by Nachos? That might be nice. Festive. Chivalrous.

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more »
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October 28, 2008

Maybe She'll Get Sucked Into a Black Hole

paris_lipstick_teeth.jpgParis Hilton has always been known as a bit of a space case, but apparently, she's planning on making that moniker literal. Like Lance Bass before her, Paris wants to make a journey to the final frontier. On Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic airlines! Hopefully, the gift baggy will include the delightful eye mask and notebook paper as the OG Virgin Atlantic. According to the New Zealand Herald:
Paris Hilton, who has paid a reported US$200,000 for a seat on an intergalactic flight, is scared of going into space in case she doesn't return for 10,000 years.

The socialite is one of many celebrities - believed to include singer Moby, Star Trek star William Shatner and Alien actress Sigourney Weaver - hoping to board Richard Branson's first-ever commercial space flight, Virgin Galactic, but admits she is worried about going into orbit.

She said: "I'm very scared to do it. What if I don't come back? With the whole light years thing, what if I come back 10,000 years later, and everyone I know is dead? I'll be like, 'Great. Now I have to start all over.'"
Now, Paris, these fears are completely unfounded and silly. What's that, Paris? Oh, that rocket behind me? that's nothing. The decals on the side that say "Paris Hilton Express"? Don't you worry your pretty little head. The blueprints lying next to it depicting a wonk-eyed stick figure tied to it with rope, the rocket shooting into space with arrows pointing to you saying "LOL" and the words "One Way to Mars or BUST" on the top? It's nothing, my pet. more »
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Paris, Lindsay, and Britney To Star in World's Greatest Imaginary Sitcom

paris_hilton_lindsay_lohan_britney_spears_car.jpg Do you find television boring? Are there just not enough rehab/jail experienced blonde bimbos on it (barring Rock of Love, of course) for your tastes? Do you wish someone would turn Us Weekly into a weekly series? Well, good news: Your favorite tabloid darlings, Paris, Lindsay, and Britney are going to star in a sitcom together! Our favorite spinner of tall tales, FemaleFirst, brings us the story:
Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are in talks to star in a sitcom together.

US TV network HBO are reportedly keen to sign up the blonde trio - who used to be close friends and were regularly seen partying together in 2006 - to appear as flatmates struggling to make it big in Hollywood, in what has been described as a cross between 'Friends' and 'Ugly Betty'.

A source revealed to Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "The chemistry between them will be electric.

"They were very close and have had their ups and downs in the Los Angeles party world but they have overcome those problems now. They can draw from their experiences for the sitcom."

Show chiefs are said to have approached 'Extras' star Ricky Gervais and 'Desperate Housewives' creator Mark Cherry to pen the script, which will see the trio playing characters inspired by themselves.

The source added: "Paris will play a fashion designer who will try anything to get her outfits noticed.

"Britney's character is an aspiring singer, but her unusual song lyrics stop her from hitting the big time. "Lindsay will be a little like Joey from 'Friends' - obsessed with men and food."
Jeez, source, as long as you're making up completely unbelievable stories that have about 0.000007% chance of ever coming true, why don't you throw in some really steamy details? Why not have Paris, Lindsay, and Britney pitching the script to an HBO executive who looks eerily like young Jenna Jameson after the trio spent night after night locked in a room sweating over script ideas? And as long as you've got them in that room, why don't you make sure that the central heat is broken so that the room stays a balmy 92 degrees for the girls' entire meeting? That way it's just a hop and a skip to full-on nude lesbian sex between Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan. That's really what the viewers of HBO want anyway. more »
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October 23, 2008

They Should Have Called It "Wonk: A Nasal Experience"

paris_hilton_fairy_dust.jpgA perfume called "Fairy Dust" sounds like something Kate Moss would launch. But actually, it's the new stink from Paris Hilton. It smells softly of Madden musk and Fraggle weave and apparently, Paris worked really, really, really hard on it. "It" meaning her body, not the perfume. Our gossip perfumier, Female First, reports:
A source close to Paris told Fox News: "Paris didn't want to be airbrushed [in the Fairy Dust ads] so as soon as she found out what she had to wear she went overboard with Pilates classes and exercise - she went totally crazy toning up."

The 27-year-old beauty also came up with the idea for the shoot - which shows her waving a magic wand and wearing fairy wings complete with the tagline, 'Do you believe in fairy tales?' - because she wanted to "bring some fantasy to her fans during these tough economic times".

A shoot insider said: "Paris wanted to look ethereal, but also wanted her perfume to inspire people. She hopes she has done that with the new campaign."
Well, mission accomplished, sister. My 401K's circling the drain and my house was foreclosed, but one look at the bewinged, wonktabulous, loinclothed vision of Paris against a sparkling Disney background and all my woes disappeared like dust in the wind. Dust that smells like this guy. more »
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October 06, 2008

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton Threaten to Twitter the Living Crap Out of Each Other

paris_lindsay.jpg For years now, MySpace has been the preferred arena of celebrities for their wars of words. Don't forget the epic cyber-smackdown issued upon Paris and Lindsay by Shanna Moakler lo, so many years ago. But times and technology are changing, and our celebrities are growing up. So it's only fitting that they would outgrow MySpace blog taunts and move their battles to a more mature medium. Facebook! According to our own personal gossip social networking site, Female First:
Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are embroiled in a foul-mouthed internet fight. The pair - who were once friends - have been trading insults on popular social networking site Facebook.

'Mean Girls' star Lindsay branded the hotel heiress a "bitch" and "pathetic" before launching a four-letter tirade after Paris had set up a group on the site called 'Firecrotch', referring to the actress' red hair.

But Paris hit back, saying it was her who was the pathetic one because she has set up a Facebook group about her first called 'Paris Wets Herself', which refers to a couple of incidents where the 27-year-old blonde is said to have urinated in a sauna and in the back of a taxi cab.
Although creating nasty groups is a nice touch, there are so many more appropriate Facebook applications via which a pair of disgruntled celebs could vent their disgust. "FIrecrotch" pieces of flair. Endless werewolf attacks. A battle royale using Scramble. Superpokin' till they bleed. more »
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August 21, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Ricky Martin is a Leather Daddy

jodi_lyn_okeefe_see_through.jpg• Prison Break's Jodi Lyn O'Keefe breaks out of the prison that is her dress. Well, kinda. It's see-through. (Fatback)

• What's the first nude scene you ever seen? (Mr. Skin)

• Ricky Martin becomes the father of twins without the pesky intervention of one of those yucky whaddayacallems. Vaginas. (Yeeeah!)

• Courtenay Semel, ex of Lindsay Lohan and current poon pal of Tila Tequila, got arrested. But isn't it funny that a gay lady's last name is one letter away from "semen"? (The Blemish)

• A loving, moving tribute to the French maid uniform. (Holy Taco)

• Janet Jackson is designing a lingerie line. Each bra comes with a Justin Timberlake to facilitate breast release. (Derek Hail)

• Paris Hilton brings her cha-cha cheese to England in hopes of finding a friend. (CelebWarship)

• Jennifer Aniston is one step away from OK Cupid and J-Date. (IDLYITW)

• Penis is kryptonite to Britney Spears's hotness. (Hollywire)

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August 14, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Jennifer Lost Hertits

jennifer_love_hewitt_thin.jpg • Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt: You can do side bends or sit-ups. But please don't lose that bust. (Faded Youth)

• Paris Hilton is getting sued. Again. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Yesterday Jennifer Aniston broke up with John Mayer. Today she's dating Selma Blair's ex. What does tomorow bring? (Female First)

• Mr. Skin takes to the mean streets of Chicago to uncover Hollywood's greatest ass. (MrSkin.com)

• Let's play Kim Kardashian Ass Detective! It's funner than Cootie! (Cityrag.com)

• Peaches Geldof and some indie rocker dude had a quickie wedding in Las Vegas. On their registry: deep V shirts, pocohontas headbands, and cocaine. (CelebWarship)

• Angelina Jolie is Tom Cruise's understudy. (Hollywire)

• Audrina Patridge in a bikini. We recently noted that her last name actually ISN'T "Partridge" and our minds were blown. (Fatback)

• Hey look. It's Marilyn Manson. Or maybe that's Cher. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

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August 12, 2008

Simon Le Bon Follows in Paris Hilton's Footsteps, Itches Balls

simon-lebon_swimsuit_hand_itch_balls.jpg When we happened upon this photo this morning at the Daily Mail of Simon Le Bon sticking his hand down his super-sexy Le Beast-esque Speedo to (presumably) itch his sea salty balls, our memory was jogged. We've seen this very scenario before, only with a flatter stomach and smaller tits. Why, that's Paris Hilton's move! We always knew she was a trendsetter.





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July 16, 2008

Paris Hilton: Not a Bastion of Truth

paris_hilton_hair_in_teeth.jpg You'd think a girl who has X17 on speed dial would know a thing or two about manipulating the media to only say positive things about her. But not Paris Hilton. Apparently she's hoping that Page Six has no follow through. The rag reports:
SAY this for Paris Hilton - she actually believes the lies she tells. Yesterday, the celebutard claimed on her blog to "set the record straight" and denied our stories about her moving next to Nicole Richie and trying unsuccessfully to buy a dog from a Melrose Avenue pet store. But having dealt with Hilton for years, we know better than to take her word for anything. When we saw her several years ago ordering vodka with no ice, she later insisted it was water. It wasn't. When we wrote that her ring from ex-fiancι Paris Latsis was a fake, she vowed to send us a certificate of authenticity. She never did. When we wrote that the parents of her ex, Stavros Niarchos, refused to meet her or be in pictures with her, she vowed to send us the photos, but they never came. When we wrote that she once smoked marijuana in front of our staff, she said she'd take a drug test. We're still waiting. No wonder that now, even the least suspicious of flacks won't rep her. So, Paris, we'll leave you with this: Just because you say something doesn't make it true.
So you mean when Paris looks into her mirror at night and chants: "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, I am the fairest girl of all. And the richest. And the thinnest. And the sexiest. And the prettiest. But most of all the smartest" it's not necessarily true? What can we believe in this world if not the solemn word of Paris Hilton? more »
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July 14, 2008

Single White Female: Here Comes Paris

paris_hilton_nicole_richie_simple_life_cow.jpg Remember when Paris Hilton was all dick-sucking famous and everyone paid attention to her and found her interesting? And she had this friend who was sort of dumpy and awkward but had loads of dough from her famous daddy, so Paris helped her out by making a TV show with her? Yeah, that was a long time ago. And now (inexplicably) everyone is more interested in Nicole Richie than they are in Paris, because Nicole has a baby, and those things are so rare and coveted that they turn normal humans into gods in Hollywood. If only Paris would have a baby, maybe she'd seem slightly more interesting than a rotten banana again. Plus, it would complete her Jennifer Jason Leigh-ing of Nicole. According to Page Six:
NEW mom Nicole Richie is constantly cooing over her love of suburban life - at least she was until best friend Paris Hilton moved in next door. Richie lives with baby daddy Joel Madden in Glendale, Calif., and Joel's twin brother, Benji Madden, who now dates Hilton, lives next door. Friends of Richie told Page Six recently, "Nicole moved out there to get away from the paparazzi, but when Paris calls them they come to her quiet street and disrupt everything. She's getting a little fed up."
We find this friend's claims a little dubious. We believe that Nicole isn't stoked to have Paris as a neighbor, but we don't think it's because of the paparazzi. Just imagine: Nicole and Joel have put little Harlow to bed and retired to their bedroom to light a fire and eat some chocolate-covered strawberries. Just as they begin to get down to mommy-daddy time, they hear an energetic, repeated knock on the window, only to see Paris peering in, waving with one hand and holding Chutes & Ladders in the other. Terrifying. more »
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July 09, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: The Fox and the Hound Camel

megan_fox_camel_toe.jpg• Megan Fox straps her camel toe into some stretch pants for a shopping excursion. (Faded Youth)

• And speaking of Megan Fox, her former(?) fiance Brian Austin Green denies the breakup rumors, says the couple are "solid". Solid as a rock? So nothing's changed it? And what you're saying is that the feeling's still hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hot? (PopCrunch)

• The first look at Jamie Lynn Spears's little baby, Maddie Briann. Maddie's next OK! cover: in thirteen years, when she marries cousin Sean Preston in a romantic toothless ceremony in Louisiana. (Dlisted)

• David Lee Roth choked on some nuts. (TMZ)

• Dane Cook is a shitty neighbor, literally. (Celebitchy)

• Robert Rodriguez traded his wife in for Rose McGowan, and is now trading Rose McGowan for Kat Dennings. Next up: he trades Kat Dennings for Abigail Breslin. (Defamer)

• Jennifer Lopez in a bikini. Post-twins, her abs are still flatter than yours, and her ass is still bigger than the sun. (Flisted)

• Lilo and SamRo ride the pink caterpillar at Disneyland. Ohhhh yeaaaaah. (Holy Taco)

• See Jaime Pressly in a bikini and you'll be nothin' but a horn dog. Eh? Yes? No? Bah. (IDLYITW)

• New Paris Hilton TV show in the works. And no, sadly, it's not a Fear Factor type show involving a rocket sending her to the surface of the moon to see how long she can hold her breath. (Hollywire)

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June 20, 2008

Paris Hilton Suffering from Ganja Gut

paris_weed.jpgAnd speaking of celebrities who have been experiencing negative effects after sucking substances through a pipe, Paris Hilton is de-weeding herself. Paris's love for getting treefaced has long been immortalized in words and in pictures, but now she's decided to lay off the pot smoking because the munchies are making her chunky. Celebitchy reports:
[Paris Hilton] became concerned recently because her clothes have been growing tight and she knew she was gaining weight. But it didn’t take her long to figure out why - Paris smokes a lot of dope and gets the munchies!

So now she’s decided to throw away the pipe to avoid the munchies and get back to her ideal weight, The Enquirer has learned exclusively.

“Paris gets stoned all the time!” said the source. “She will go to the bathroom to smoke at different Hollywood clubs, or sometimes she’ll just light up in the VIP area. Paris showed up at a small house party once complaining that she ate a huge bag of chips before the party because she was stoned.”

And a Hollywood source told The Enquirer that when Paris couldn’t get into certain dresses she loved recently, she decided to give up smoking dope. "That was it for Paris,” said the source. “She said the munchies were making her eat too much and she couldn’t believe how much weight she had gained.”
Good for you, Paris! Way to take charge of your life. You don't want to end up a statistic. Everyone knows that marijuana is a gateway drug. A gateway drug to all kinds of horrors. Like playing bongos in the nude. Or banging Cisco Adler. more »
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June 17, 2008

Maybe She Should Have Asked for a Pussy

paris hilton boohoo.jpg Wah! Poor wittle Paris can't buy a puppy. She's so sad. It's so not fair. That puppy was the perfect shade of grey to complement her Birkin bag. Page Six says:
THE Puppy Store on Melrose Avenue in LA deserves an ASPCA award. Over the weekend, spies said, Paris Hilton was on her way to a photo shoot and "wanted a puppy in the picture with her so it would look cuter." Hilton waltzed in and tried to buy a Yorkie but was rebuffed by an employee who said it was clearly "an impulse buy." Hilton, who has a menagerie of neglected animals, went "ballistic," we're told. "She started screaming, 'I love my puppies! I want my baby!'" - but to no avail. The store had no comment.
God, the next thing you know those mean pet-store employees are going to stop Paris from buying puppies to lick her toilets clean. What can Paris do with puppies? Pet them? Brush them? Feed them? How boring. more »
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June 02, 2008

EXLUSIVE! CNW Goes Backstage at the MTV Movie Awards

Lindsay_Lohan_MTV_movie_awards_upskirt.jpgIn case you missed last night's airing of the MTV Movie Awards, fear not! MTV will rerun them probably three times a day until next June. You can see famous lady attendees in their finery here, you can peruse the list of winners here, but the big news is that we went all Perez and actually had a CelebNewsWire correspondent backstage at the awards as well as at the afterparty. So without further ado, please enjoy the following EXCLUSIVE!!!!! SECRET!!! SCOOP!!!!!! on the backstage goings-on.

According to our spy:

7. Most sought-after celeb backstage: Christian Siriano from Project Runway.
6. Second most sought-after celeb backstage: Rainn Wilson. "Ladies love him," says Deep Throat. He is also extremely nice and personable, having time for everyone. He was worried about how his teddy-bear-tied-to-dong skit would come off, though he needn't have fretted.
5. Also top dog in the personality category: Anna Faris. Who, apparently, enjoys a cigarette or two but will only bum puffs off others instead of smoking her own.
4. Vern Troyer was riding on people's shoulders.
3. Tila Tequila is actually rather attractive in real life (we're having a hard time believing this one).
2. Lindsay Lohan was there with an entire entourage . . . of homosexuals. Of the boy homo and girl homo varieties. She would ONLY hang out with the gays and the lezzies, no mere mortal breeders were allowed to enter the orbit of the Lohan. No Samantha Ronson, however.
1. Paris Hilton was backstage . . . in a display case. No. Really. It was a cordoned-off area where she sat perched on a couch behind curtains and ropes, surrounded by colossal African-American bodyguards, who shielded her from view when she smoked cigarettes. Later, she and Benji Madden were escorted away and Christian Siriano replaced her in the sideshow freak display.

We hear that next year, everyone is expecting to up the ante by having Lindsay Lohan scissor Tila Tequila on top of Vern Troyer's shoulders while smoking. Which, coincidentally, is the basis for the new reality hit planned for VH-1's fall line up. It's called The Lindsay Lohan Scissoring Tila Tequila on Top of Vern Troyer's Shoulders While Smoking Comedy Hour. No idea how they came up with that title.

liv_tyler_mtv_awards.jpg megan_fox_mtv_awards.jpg paris_hilton_mtv_awards.jpg
more »
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May 09, 2008

Paris Trades Nip Slips for Marvin Gardens

paris_lipstick_mouth.jpgNow that multiple births have replaced Strawberry Quik cocaine as Hollywood's drug of choice, the extracurricular activities of the rich and famous has changed as well. Going out to exclusive clubs and getting VIP bottle service and then doing a celebrity guest DJ night is so passe. The hot new haps is digging out the old Milton Bradleys and making a night of it. Reports our hard-hitting Uno referee, FemaleFirst:
Paris Hilton isn't the first celebrity to confess a love of games. Pregnant Jessica Alba recently revealed she has been spending hours playing family card game Apples to Apples, while Kanye West played classic children's game Connect Four on his European tour and even challenged Beyonce Knowles to a tournament."

Paris said: "When I was younger I loved to go out, but now that I'm in a really great relationship it's so much more fun to stay at home. We don't really like to go out. We have game night where friends come over and play Monopoly."
So she's swapped partying for Monopoly. What has she traded having indiscriminate sex for? Probably Cootie! since it's full of the buggy, crabby goodness for which her vagina is so infamous. Or maybe Parcheesi, if she's in a yeasty kind of mood. more »
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May 08, 2008

Talking About Your Cellulite: Hollywood's Newest Trend!

Kim Kardashian calendar 1.jpg Remember how Paris Hilton called Kim Kardashian's ass "cottage cheese inside a big trash bag" and then was all like, "Haha, that was so totally a joke. I love Kim. She's hot. I'd love to bury my face in that cheese and slurp it up" or something to that effect? And then Kim was like, "We're cool. I'm not mad. LYLAS, BFF 4-EVA." What she was really thinking was, "I hope a rat crawls into your vagina and eats you from the inside, you fake whore," though she tries to keep up the pro-Paris sham by writing about her cellulite removal on her official website:
With all of this cellulite talk you guys must think I've got it bad! For the record, it's really not that bad at all! Just a little junk in the trunk! ;) Here is how it all got started...

This Sunday of Keeping Up With The Kardashians you will get to see my super cute idea for my one year anniversary gift for Reggie. I wanted to think of something unique and special, not something anyone could just go out and buy! I came up with the idea to make him a calendar! (You can see pictures from the shoot on this post!)

I only had a few weeks of preparation so I had to think fast! I asked my dear friend Troy Jensen, who is a make up artist, hair stylist and photographer if he could help me out! It was fierce!!! We had the best shoot ever! It was so different from anything I have ever done!

In order to make this the hottest shoot ever, I had to get in shape! I worked out like crazy. It felt good... but then, my sisters and I went to the American Laser Center for our usual laser hair removal (I recommend this to everyone as well!) and the nurse informed us of a cellulite treatment called VelaShape.

You have got to read about it! It is basically a non-surgical device that massages the needed area and stimulates the blood circulation so that it minimizes cellulite. I only had time for one treatment, but I am definitely planning to go back for more!

Three months ago my sisters and I visited the American Laser Center and did a VelaShape treatment, and we filmed the entire process!

Of course, now that the episode is about to air, the American Laser Center released a press statement saying we went there for the treatment, and now everyone is assuming I am secretly hurt by Paris' comments about me having cellulite and I am now rushing to try to do anything I can to get rid of it!

Well of course that is not the case! This treatment was done months before her joking around and I wouldn't have filmed the process if this was something I was insecure or embarrassed about!

I work out extremely hard and am happy with my shape... cellulite, not so much!

LOL... What girl doesn't have a little bit of cellulite. And who wants it, anyway!
Sure, Kim says that to the public to appear all nice and sweet, but we're sure that her weekend plans include picking up this issue of The National Enquirer:

national enquirer cover cellulite.jpg
and pasting Paris's face over all of the pictures.

Kim Kardashian calendar 2.jpg Kim Kardashian calendar 3.jpg
More pics from Kim's super-special, oh-so-private anniversary gift can be found at her website.
more »
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April 30, 2008

Benji's Song for Paris: Good Harlot?

paris hilton sucks finger benji madden.jpg How could any adult woman date a man named Benji and keep a straight face? That's worse than dating a man who voluntarily calls himself Timmy. Both make us think of lovable altruistic dogs. But we're talking about Paris Hilton here, so she probably just refers to paramour Benji Madden as "Paris's boyfriend" anyway. He could be named Boner Shitstain and she probably wouldn't notice because she'd be too busy admiring herself in the mirror. But we digress. On with the show. It seems that Boner Shitstain has written an ode to fauxmance especially for Paris. Awww. Reports People:
Paris Hilton has become a muse to her boyfriend of two months, Benji Madden.

"He actually wrote me a beautiful song, and actually recorded it in the studio," Hilton, 27, said Monday night at the LG launch of the TV series Scarlet. "He surprised me with it. It's called, 'Shine Your Light.' It's this really beautiful love song about me. It was the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me."

As Madden spent the night sharing DJ duties with pal Steve Aoki, Hilton couldn't stop gushing about the 29-year-old Good Charlotte guitarist.

"He's my best friend," she said. "He's just different from any guy that I've ever been with. I just trust him completely, and I know that he'd be there for me, no matter what."

With things going so well, could Hilton beat girlfriend Nicole Richie to the altar?

"I don't know," Hilton says with a smile, "My life's a lot different now, I'm very much at peace, and I'm so happy, and in control, and so very excited about life."
We're not at all familiar with Benji's songwriting abilities, not being fifteen-year-old mall punks, but we expect that they're not too sophisticated. We're imagining that the song's climax will involve the lines: You are so beautiful, Paris / I love how shiny your hair is. more »
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April 17, 2008

Rupert Grint Doesn't Want Paris or Lindsay's Unhairy Pooters

lindsay and paris wear underwear2.jpg One person who doesn't want Lindsay Lohan's missionary position? Ron Weasley. He's not looking to taste a slice of Paris Hilton's pie either. Digital Spy reports:
Rupert Grint has claimed it is best to avoid female stars like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

The Harry Potter actor revealed that he met Lohan last year in America and that she bored him by talking about herself all the time.

Grint added that he didn't want to meet Hilton because she was the sort of girl you should "stay away from".

He told The Sun: "I met Lindsay last summer and she talked about herself a lot.

"She said she was going to win an Oscar before she turns 25. I just kept thinking, 'But you can’t act'.

"I haven’t met Paris and don’t want to either. She and Lindsay are the type of girls you need to stay away from."
We think the wee-est Weasley boy makes a good point. Look at the people who have come into contact with Paris and Lindsay. Britney Spears lost her goddamn mind after about three days with Paris. Kim Kardashian will never again be able to enter a public bathroom without someone assuming she's there to take the place of the toilet. And Lindsay's poor little sister Ali is probably about four months away from being sold outright to Hugh Hefner or Joe Francis, whoever gives Dina the highest bid. Rupert's better off hanging out with a dude who gets boners from horses.
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April 16, 2008

Paris No Fan of Kardashian's Can

kim_kardashian_dress_butt_1.jpgMost humans are transformed into quivering, genuflecting, humble peons in the presence of Kim Kardashian's twin gluteal globules. Like Montezuma himself, her mammoth ass reigns over Hollywood. But there is one person who doesn't wish to tame and possess its soft, domed wonder: one Miss Paris Hilton. On Monday, Paris made a guest appearance on a Las Vegas radio show, and said,
“I would not want [Kim’s butt] - it’s gross! It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag.”
After it dawned on Einstein that it was on the radio and Kim heard it, Paris issued an apology through In Touch:
“I was just joking around and I made a stupid joke. I felt really bad afterward, so I contacted Kim and apologized. It was a silly thing to say. Kim’s hot!”
Nice job, Paris, you dummy. Anyway, the saying isn't "cottage cheese in a trash bag", it's "ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag". Also acceptable: "rotten oatmeal in a faux Birkin" and "diarrhea in a fanny pack". Though the only term Paris is intimately familiar with is the related "cyst pus inside a condom". Which, coincidentally, makes a great cat toy!

More of Kim's luscious latter end in a vaguely see-through dress from this past weekend:

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April 11, 2008

Casting Begun for Paris's Parasite

Xparis sucks on pizza.jpg Every day we inch closer and closer to Paris Hilton's return to serialized television. One day in the near future you will turn on MTV (unless you are like us, i.e., not 18, in which case you'll probably be watching Law & Order or that show where dads beat each other up or something) and there will be Paris, bedecked in pink velour, living canine accessory under her arm, lazily cooing "That's hot" until you are forced to pound on your television screen with your fist and beg her to pick a new catchphrase. Something '80s-inspired, we hope, like "Gag me with a Swarovski-studded dildo." Catchy. Casting for Paris's new sidekick began yesterday in New York, to lackluster results. Apparently there aren't as many girls willing to follow in her elephantine shoes as you would have thought. OK! reports (via Celebitchy):
“There were less than 40 people there,” one audition insider tells OK!. But despite the poor turnout, each of the hopefuls seemed ready to show their unique desire to grab the attention of the casting directors. “There were girls wearing matching pastel prom dresses with Swarovski crystal pendants and updos, ghetto-fabulous girls and two goth-inspired girls with bleach blonde hair, pale makeup, eyelash extensions and leather clothing.”

Additionally, OK! has to question the motives of these attention-seekers, as at least one contender was overheard remarking that she, “totally couldn’t live in the house with Paris,” because “she would be so annoying!” But for those camera-hungry wannabes fortunate enough to merit a call-back, they were approached by a casting director who handed them the show’s version of a golden ticket — a card that read, “You are cordially invited to join us at our audition to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF.”
We're actually kind of shocked that there are 40 people in the entire country, let alone New York, who would be willing to spend weeks fighting for Paris's attention. They probably won't even have memorable reality-show-style made-up personalities; Paris will probably just opt to call everyone Parisita or "her over there." But that's sort of fitting, as Page Six claims that the applicants pretty much all looked the same anyway:
Paris Hilton's new reality show should be called "I Want To Be Paris Hilton". Heirhead wannabes lined up Tuesday at Nikki Beach in New York for Hilton's new MTV reality series, "Paris Hilton's My New BFF" and it wasn't pretty. "It looked like Barbie threw up in there," said our spy. "All the girls looked like versions of Donatella Versace. They all had bleached blond hair, too-dark tans and were wearing tight, shiny dresses. All the guys that were there were gay. The whole thing was so bizarre." Casting directors had sent out a notice saying they were looking for "hot bitches and fierce guys" for the show.
Who did you expect to show up for the audition? Natalie Portman and a bunch of girls wearing ankle-length skirts and reading Gravity's Rainbow while waiting in line? more »
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April 08, 2008

Sore-Riddled Vagina Seeks Spotty Pussy

paris_benji_cheetah_africa.jpgParis Hilton is a latter-day Michael Jackson, not only in the sense that she likes to have sexual intercourse with males, but that she enjoys collecting animals that she parades in front of cameras before they mysteriously disappear. Paris wants to give a friend to Tinkerbell the chihuahua, Cinderella the Yorkie, and Baby Luv the bloodthirsty kinkajou: a cheetah! The dashing Ben Widdicombe tossed his forelock and reported in NYDN that on a recent trip to Africa with boyfriend Benji Madden:
A hotel spy tells us: "Every time Paris saw something she liked, like a woman's dress, she would ask how much it was. That included a cheetah she saw at an animal park. She asked how much it was and said, 'If I bought a cheetah, would it run away from me or could I keep it?'"
Paris is like the Veruca Salt of the celebrity world--she sees a cute, exotic creature and wishes to possess it, stomping her feet and singing a bouncy song about wanting it now. Next thing you know she'll want an Oompa Lo--OH WAIT THAT ALREADY HAPPENED. more »
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March 27, 2008

Be Paris Hilton's BFF. We're Sure It Won't Be As Bad As It Sounds.

paris hilton and britney spears are BFF.jpg Paris Hilton has had pretty bad luck with friends. Nicole Richie deserted her in an effort to be normal. She seemed to trigger Britney Spears's crazy gene, with unbelievable consequences. And Kim Kardashian's ass got sick of battling with Paris's feet for the title of most comically large appendage and bailed. So now Paris is on a hunt for new meat that she can mold into a slightly less attention-worthy version of herself. And that new meat could be you! MTV sent out the following casting call for Paris's upcoming reality show:
Do you long to strut into the world's most elite hotspots without a care in the world except how fabulous you are? Ever wish the velvet ropes didn't exclude you from the social circles of the A-List? How about the fantasy of jet setting around the world with the ultimate BFF, whose fierce style, charisma and star power is only matched by your own.

Now that's hot! MTV is giving the opportunity of a lifetime to one girl or “fabulous” guy who has what it takes to become Paris Hilton's new BFF. Finally, you have the chance to show the world that you have what it takes to achieve social stardom; allowing you unprecedented access to young Hollywood as never before. Loves It!

Doron Ofir Casting is seeking “Hot Bitches” and “Fabulously Fierce Guys” who are at least the age of 21 and appear under 30.

Are you sick and tired of envying the social icons? Will you be the next pop-arazzi obsession and quintessential star of the red carpet? Prove it bitches!
What must the requirements be for being Paris Hilton's best friend? You're pretty, but not too pretty, thin, but not too thin, really good at holding Paris's discarded dog when cameras aren't around, and able to vouch for Paris's innumerable good deeds. "Like, we totally went to Africa last week. They really needed us there. We gave them autographed pictures and samples of Paris's new perfume and they were so grateful. We probably cured malaria or something. There aren't any pictures, though, because we wanted the focus to be on the children." Also, we can't wait to see 32-year-old Tara Reid audition for Paris's BFF. "I do too look under 30, bitches. My plastic surgeon told me just yesterday that I don't look a day over 26! . . . Do you guys have any of the Paris Hilton canned champagne around here?" more »
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March 18, 2008

CNW: "I Said Impeti-Go, Go"

winehouse_scabs.jpg• Hey, Amy. Maybe you should extend that liner to cover your entire face. (Flisted)

• Eva Mendes gets a job shilling Calvin Klein drawers! Just like Marky Mark, only with more substance abuse and less wiggerliness. Same size boobs, though. (Yeeeah!)

• Clip of Brit's appearance on How I Met Your Mother. Talking about shopping with Doogie Howser? Ooooh, that's fabulous, girlfriend! (The Superficial)

• Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton fighting again. Fighting over Maddens. That's kind of like arguing about which Nelson brother is cooler (the answer is Gunner, obviously). (Celebitchy)

• Eva Longoria's wedding tattoo disappeared. Maybe she used WRECKING BALM! (Daily Stab)

• Eliot Spitzer enjoyed Charlie Sheen's sloppy seconds. Surprisingly, we're not talking about Denise Richards. (Bitten and Bound)

• Jennifer Aniston is a dutiful flosser; probably has no plaque buildup in her ass crack. (The Blemish)

• Punky Brewster has another daughter and names her JAGGER. We can't wait to have babies named Staley and Weiland and Stapp. (CelebWarship)

• Pamela Anderson's famished vagina snacks on spangled panties. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Nicole Kidman's bodyguard goes ape crazy on a paparazzo. (Holy Taco)

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March 10, 2008

Paris Hilton Engaged to a Real Turd

paris_bm_ring.jpgAfrican families should no longer weep over the brutal exploitation and deaths of their loved ones at the hands of the diamond mining industry, for their labors are going to a wonderful and noble cause: spelling out Paris Hilton's most base bodily functions in shimmering precious stones! This weekend, Paris showed up at the opening of stylist Kim Vo's salon in Las Vegas, and was sporting a Li'l John-sized ring on her engagement finger that spelled "BM". Of course, this sparked rumors that she is planning on marrying boyfriend of two weeks Benji Madden. However, we're taking "BM" at literal face value and are assuming that she's donning the ring to remind herself which hand to wipe with. Regardless of the secret meaning of the ring, we're calling her "Ol' Shitfinger Hilton" from now on. That's a pretty name.

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March 05, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Sweet Leaf

jenna_jameson_surgery.jpg• Jenna Jameson, looking Bratz-ier than ever. (F-listed)

• No, my first name ain't baby. It's Janet. Miss Rackson if you're see-through. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Lindsay Lohan goes back to red, lays off the burnt umber fake bake, approaches former Mean Girls-era loveliness. (Allie Is Wired)

• Keanu Reeves and Parker Posey. Two great stoners that stone great together. (Lainey Gossip)

• Perhaps they should head over to the radio station to tear into a box of Scooby Snacks with Ashlee Simpson. (Yeeeah!)

• Mental wounds not healing. Life's a bitter shame. Julia Roberts is going off the rails on a crazy train.(Cityrag)

• Hayden Panettiere's mom is "very proud" that her teenage daughter is moving in with 31-year-old Milo Ventimiglia. Awwww. (FemaleFirst)

• Cruz Beckham, spawn of David and Posh Spice, is a SUPERSTAR. (Bitten and Bound)

• Kevin Federline's gut threatens to Popozao out of his golf shirt. (Hollywood Backwash)

• To Paris Hilton, "foreign-looking man with long gray beard" = the path to spiritual enlightenment. (Hollywood Grind)
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February 29, 2008

Paris Hilton Spreads It Like Mayo

paris_hilton_car_upskirt.jpgThe advantages to owning a humorous sport car that has vertically-open, winglike doors, a la Paris Hilton's: get to pretend you're Marty McFly without the Parkinsons. Disadvantages: exiting at nearly ground level offers passersby a trans-body view of your tonsils by way of your splayed legs and spread crotch. We'll call this one a toss-up.
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February 26, 2008

Paris Hilton Takes "LYLAS" to New, Creepy Level

paris_benji.jpgImitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Until your best friend starts sleeping with your babydaddy's twin brother. Then it's the sincerest form of creepery. Professional gadabout Paris Hilton is apparently dating Benji Madden, the identical bro of Joel Madden, the man who put a baby in Nicole Richie. The relationship is brand new (like, a week), but the pair are said to be getting very cozy very fast, odd considering his very recent breakup with Australian actress Sophie Monk. According to a source close to the Good Charlottes:
"He is really happy with Paris and has already been telling all his friends she is the one. He says he can really see himself ending up with her for good."
That's very sweet and all, but can you imagine bedding down with an adult male who willingly goes by the name BENJI? It's not exactly the type of moniker one can imagine screaming out at the apex of passion. "Do me, Benji! Cram it in, Lassie! Hammer me like a dirty $2 hooker, Rin Tin Tin!"

(Image via Splash)
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February 19, 2008

Paris Hilton Is NOT on the List

parisfuglyashell1.jpgParis Hilton's storied opus, The Hottie and the Nottie, a classic tale of the struggle between good and evil, a moral fable for the masses, made $9000 its opening weekend at the box office. That's probably less than Jenna Jameson pays for a-hole bleach. And now, to add insult to injury, she's allegedly been "banned" from attending the Oscars. We have no idea how someone can be blacklisted from the Oscars, but our personal gossip bouncer, FemaleFirst, scoops the poop, quoting a source who states:
"She cried hot, salty tears when she was banned from the Oscars. She's desperate to be taken seriously as an actress and hoped she would be able to network with film executives."
It's OK, Paris. The best networking actually occurs far away from the glittery Academy stage. There's no better place to make special Hollywood contacts than in the back of limos parked behind the theater. Or in the back of El Caminos parked behind the Stop and Swap on West 114th. Last time we went there, we got 14 bootlegged copies of Why Did I Get Married? and a pack of tube socks! Whoo!

The same source says that Paris is planning on surreptitiously attending the afterparties in disguise:
"She's tempted to go to the parties afterwards but might wear her trademark wig to save her dignity."
Dur. If it's a trademark wig, it's not much of a disguise, dingbat. Show up with your nipples covered and your body devoid of burnt umber tanner and we'll talk, sister.
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February 15, 2008

Paris's Special Gift for Lindsay: Fake Flatulence

lindsay and paris wear underwear.jpg Let us preface this story by saying that we do not at all believe that it is true. Dubious source + story that's too good to be true = bored National Enquirer writer living out high-school revenge fantasies via Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. But the idea of this story had us laughing out loud, so here we go. The Enquirer claims (via Celebitchy):
Lindsay Lohan tried to make peace with Paris, leaving voice mails explaining that she wanted to call a truce.

But Paris refused to call back. Finally, she responded in her usually classy way.

“She had her assistant call Lindsay and leave fart sounds on her voice mail,” a close source told The Enquirer.
Actually, now that we think about it, this story does make a little bit of sense. Paris surely has the time to think up and carry out such a revenge tactic. It's probably what she does while the rest of us are working. Plus, we can really envision Paris standing next to her assistant barking instructions. "No, that doesn't sound farty enough. Make it wetter."
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February 11, 2008

Paris Sings, Blings, Take a Verbal Swing

paris_hilton_sings_nip_1.jpgIt's early 2007 all over again: Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are scrappin'! Both of them showed up to Timbaland's pre-Grammy party on Saturday, and, according to our gossip vocal coach, FemaleFirst:
Sources claim Lindsay pointed at Paris and said: "What the hell is that bitch doing here? I didn't know she was on the list."

To which, Paris replied: "Fuck off, you bitch."

Lindsay and Paris were both hoping to convince Timbaland, who has worked with Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado and 50 Cent, to revive their faltering music careers.

A source added to Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper: "Both saw the party as an ideal way of getting him on side - but they didn't count on the other being there."
The skirmish did not come to blows, but we can only imagine that it would look a little like the showdown between Sigourney Weaver and the alien. Though would Paris or Lindsay be the hideous creature oozing toxic, diseased bodily fluids? It's a toss-up.

In other Paris news, denizens of Beantown, take heed: Paris Hilton has descended upon your burg, teeth bared, left eye dripping down her face, and tits a-poppin'. Stash your children down a well and hide your wieners! We have no idea why she was there, but she's armed with a microphone and a low tolerance for pom-tinis. On Thursday night, she showed up at The Estate and, after getting well into her cups, crabbed (we're leaving that typo just as it is, thanks) the microphone and warbled her "hit" "song" "Stars are Blind":



Apparently, stars as deaf as well. And stars are unable to keep their breasts firmly strapped inside their dresses. The one question we have is in regards to that eye-singeingly blingulous watch. Is that a dollar sign? Knowing Paris, those are most likely real diamonds, but does that even matter when it looks like something she picked up at the 33rd St. swap meet along with a fuzzy Scarface blanket and a Betty Boop windshield decal?


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February 06, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: The P Word

paris_hilton_pink_wonk.jpg• Paris Hilton enjoys fishing. And fish enjoy the familiar, down-home smell of Paris Hilton's bacterial vaginosis. OK, that was pretty gross. Sorry, Paris. (FemaleFirst)

• And speaking of Paris's vagina, she will be rubbing hers up against the lesbian thespians of The L Word. (The Superficial)

• The results are in: Heath Ledger's death was caused by "accidental overdose" of SIX different types of prescription drugs. (TMZ)

• Godspeed to you, Patrick Swayze! May your gut convalesce so that you may arabesque again. (IMDb)

• Cammy Diaz gots some pegs, boy, I tells ya. (Cityrag)

• Larry Birkhead take$ Dannilynn to vi$it her mother'$ grave$ite. (Celebitchy)

• Bike shorts and what appears to be a Lamborghini Countache: no, it's not 1987; it's the new Bebe ads featuring Eva Longoria! (PopCrunch)

• Bar Rafaeli: professional wearer of lingerie, schtupper of DiCaprio, sporter of labia-splitting bikini camel toe. (Derek Hail)

• J. Lo is definitely having twins. And we are definitely having another cruller. Yum, jelly. (Evil Beet)

• Kim Kardashian sued by ex-boyfriend's mom. Oh, what a tangled web. (The Blemish)

• Rihanna launches her own umbrella line. What if her hit song had been called "Colostomy Bag"? Guess you can't really stand under one of those, though. Or can you? (Daily Stab)
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February 05, 2008

50 Cent Makes Paris Hilton Cry

paris hilton cries boohoo.jpg That 50 Cent is a smart man. He's somehow found a way to be a "hard" "gangsta" and still have white, suburban, middle-aged moms say, "Oh, I love that Fiddy, he's so charming." He made enough cash off of a beverage deal to keep his great-great-great-great grandkids in floor-length chinchilla coats and doorags. And he has a disdain for Paris Hilton, like all sensible humans should. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
Rap superstar 50 Cent kicked Paris Hilton offstage and reduced her to tears during a pre-Super Bowl concert on Thursday.

Hilton hosted the bash for 944 magazine in Scottsdale, Ariz., and was stunned when the headliner turned on her.

The two star attractions have been romantically linked in the past, but there was no love lost when Hilton tried to steal the show.

After 50 Cent name checked her during his performance, Hilton climbed onstage to dance, but was promptly told to "Get the [bleep] off the stage" by the angry star.

Onlookers tell Page Six the outburst prompted Hilton to break down in tears, which was captured on film by photographers at the event.
We see that picture up there of Paris crying, but we still don't buy this. It would mean that Paris could not only detect when someone was being shitty to her, but also that she has feelings. And we'd always assumed that someone could spit in her face and call her a goat-fucking whore and she'd still think they wanted her autograph. At least that's what happened when WE spit in Paris's face and called her a goat-fucking whore. We still have the autographed 8x10 hanging next to our desk: "Deer CelbNewWyre, You're hot! XOXO Paris".

Find more pics of Paris trying to steal Fiddy's thunder at The Superficial.
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January 31, 2008

Elisha Cuthbert Takes a Trip to Gay Paree

Elisha_Cuthbert_finger.jpgNote the picture at left of the lovely Elisha Cuthbert, star of the hit series 24 and general Crabby Patty-about-town. Now imagine Paris Hilton hiking her ruched knit skirt up to her ears, squatting with a smile, her buttflaps fluttering in the breeze, and planting her wart-scarred cooter right on that finger and whirling around like a Sit n' Spin. It could happen! It almost happened! Apparently, the two buddies were spotted getting awfully friendly-like on Tuesday night at NYC hotspot Tenjune. According to US Weekly:
Paris Hilton and actress Elisha Cuthbert were "all over each other and making out" at New York's Tenjune club Tuesday night, a source tells Usmagazine.com.

"Who knew?" says the source of the unlikely pairing.

Hilton, 26, and Cuthbert, 25, didn't arrive at Tenjune together. Hilton was there for a birthday party and was seen dancing on banquets. "It's Paris," says the source. "She loves putting on a show."
Sexy mental images aside, we have grown weary of Paris's displays of desperate attention-whoring. We wish the only shows she would put on would be puppet shows. Though the sight of a tiny hand-controlled tiger doll with one lazy button eye humping a sock puppet riddled with holes and sweat stains probably wouldn't be a big hit with the kindergarten crowd. And athlete's foot doesn't exactly have the same glamor and attraction as the clap, but Paris puppet will take what it can get.

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Here's the happy couple from a few months ago. Elisha doesn't exactly look convinced.
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January 22, 2008

Two Hiltons and a Wall-humping Eggert: The Less Cinematic Side of Sundance

paris and nicky hilton fondle in limo.jpg You might think a film festival is somewhere that people go in order to watch movies, but you'd be wrong. God, you're such a fucking moron, aren't you? People go to film festivals to get free shit they could easily afford and party-as-a-verb. At least if your last name is Hilton, anyway. Page Six brings us the haps on Sundance, and Mr. Skin brings us the funbags on film, after the cut. more »
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January 15, 2008

Paris Is Too Sexy for Her Warm-Up Vest

paris_hilton_bikini_model_1.jpgWhile trying in vain to find a Sexy Lady Story to lead off your Tuesday, we came across these new pictures of skew-eyed ninny Paris Hilton shilling for sportswear. A sort of bikini is involved, which makes this lead story-worthy, especially on an otherwise dry day, nipple slip-wise, though the entire shoot appeals more to our funny bone then our bone bone. The graphic print, puckered halter top. The almost bike shorts. The oversized gold-tone jewelry and the kicky athletic vest. It's like we've taken a time machine to the back cover of YM circa 1991. If it weren't for that little FILA tag, we'd be sure Paris was donning Body Glove gear Vernon Reid style. Maybe the guy is wearing a Salty Dog shirt under his warm-up jacket. All that's missing: two-color fold-over Converse and an oversized Fido Dido sweatshirt.

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January 08, 2008

Paris is LAX About Panties

paris_tongue.jpgThis past weekend, Paris Hilton hit LAX (the club, not the airport) and, ever industrious, she made up for the lack of stripper pole by grabbing onto this string of what appear to be ball bearings and gyrating like a ninny. And now that Britney is incapacitated by screwballery, Paris has stepped up to the plate to take another swing at her previous position of America's Most Cunny-Flashing. Click past the cut and take a mystical spirit journey back to three years ago. more »
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January 02, 2008

Paris Checks Into Club Fed

federline_paris_vegas_.jpgWigger, meet crotch chiggers. Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton partied together this past weekend. People reports:
The unlikely duo of Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton caused heads to turn in Las Vegas over the pre-New Year's weekend. On Sunday, the duo partied together for the second night running. Both were in town to host separate New Year's Eve parties – hers at LAX, his at Tangerine – but each name attraction started celebrating early, hitting LAX on Saturday and Pure Nightclub on Sunday. A source close to Federline told PEOPLE that the two hung out in Hilton's room Saturday after leaving the club.
We don't know about that, People. This picture (and pictures don't lie, no matter what Jennifer Love Hewitt says) depicts Paris, her face a slackened canvas of longing, rubbing what we assume is her crotch or possibly ass on a befauxhawked Federline's person. And to his credit, K-Fed looks completely uninterested. The same cannot be said for the man behind Paris, freaking her with intense concentra--wait. Is that Alan Thicke?
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December 19, 2007

Paris Hilton Tries to Adopt a Smurf

paris hilton with oompa loompas.jpg Remember last week when Paris Hilton saved an Oompa Loompa from some sort of imminent disaster and we joked that she was planning on adopting him to add to her menagerie? Turns out we weren't far off. She just prefers her little people companions three apples high, not four or five. MSNBC reports:
Her plethora of pooches doesn’t have any say about it, but Paris Hilton recently learned that humans fight back when she contemplates adding them to her menagerie. While in Russia, the globe-trotting heiress offered to “adopt” a couple of adult actors who failed to find any humor in her request, the Daily Star reports.

Paris stopped at a candy shop featuring little people playing the part of ‘80s cartoon favorites “The Smurfs,” and passersby couldn’t believe her reaction. “I don’t know if Paris had been on the mulled wine when she saw the [actors],” one eyewitness told the paper. “We heard her saying: ‘Oh my, real live Smurfs. I always wanted one when I was a kid’ before turning to her pal and asking, ‘Can I take them home?’”

Then in an attempt at humor or an amazing display of ditz, Paris added, “I didn’t realize that this is where they came from.” The source said she “started talking about adding them to her collection and bent down to talk to them in a babyish voice. I really don’t think she was trying to cause offense. But the actors were really narked off about it all.”

So “narked” off that one man went Grouchy Smurf on the celebutante. “One of them just flipped and starting shouting at Paris. He obviously spoke fluent English and told her in no uncertain terms that he was a grown man and that she was being very patronizing.”
If Jamie Lynn changes her mind and wants to pawn that baby off on someone else, we've got the perfect solution for her: paint it blue and give it to Paris. Sure, the baby will probably end up forgotten and abandoned, trying to eat Tinkerbell because Mommy never feeds it, but it'll be a Spears, and they can get through just about anything. It'll Smurfive.
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December 13, 2007

Paris Done with Drunken Elephants, Moves on to Saving Environment

paris hilton rides a tarctor.jpg Everybody can stop worrying about the environment now. Stop composting your leftover chicken carcasses and go back to using real toilet paper instead of yesterday's newspaper. Paris Hilton has it taken care of. She'll save the whole world all by herself. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
Paris Hilton is making a personal contribution to protecting the environment.

"I changed all the light bulbs to energy-safe light bulbs and I'm buying a hybrid car right now," the 26-year-old celebrity heiress said Wednesday.

Hilton said she turns off the lights, doesn't leave the TV on or the water running when she leaves her house.

"Little things that people can do every day to make a huge difference," she said.
Wow, it's a good thing Paris is dedicated to teaching us about protecting the planet. Just today we turned on every light, television set, and faucet before leaving our house. We have a real problem with leaving faucets running when we leave the house. And with pooping on the sofa. But that's actually good for the environment. Because it saves water.
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December 12, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Dog Crap Is the Greatest Aphrodesiac

pam_rick_dog_crap.jpg• Pam Anderson and hubby to have reality show. Also, Pam Anderson and hubby to engage in possible oral sex next to pooping dog. (Dlisted)

• Hayden Panettiere is gearing up to give a BJ to Richard Gere or something. (HollywoodTuna)

• Madonna is sporting a nice pair of shiners. (Cityrag)

• Furthermore, she's allegedly fattening herself up on a diet of "porridge". Porridge is a real thing, existing outside The Three Bears? Is she also eating curds and whey, and a pie with Little Jack Horner's thumb in it? (PopCrunch)

• Crack open an ice cold can of Paris Hilton champagne. All the bubbliness of the real thing and none of the clap! (Yeeeah!)

• It's hard out here for a pimp Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. (CelebWarship)

• Tara Reid stuffs her plasticine yambags into a bikini for your viewing pleasure and/or reverse peristalsis. (Drunken Stepfather)

• James Blunt hits Swiss ski resort, sings "you're beautiful! You're beautiful! You're beautiful, so let me bust open your hymen, it's true!" to chalet girls. (Celebitchy)

• Vanessa Hudgens not amused by Zac Efron's oxygen facials and mani-pedi time. (Allie Is Wired)

• Wow, what's Jordan doing with Jay Manuel? (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

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December 11, 2007

Paris Hilton Saves Oompa-Loompa. That's Right. Paris Hilton Saves Oompa-Loompa.

paris_hilton_makeup.jpgIt's no surprise that Paris Hilton would feel a certain affinity for orange people, being one herself and all. Allegedly, she came to the rescue of a little person friend, who was injured while performing as an Oompa-Loompa. Our gossip grand marshal, Female First, says:
The hotel heiress was partying at Miami's Cameo nightclub with on/off boyfriend Stavros Niarchos when midget Robin Sherwood, who performs as the orange-faced 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' character, suffered severe cuts to his leg when fans rushed the stage in the early hours of Saturday morning (08.12.07).

Lawyer Mike Heller said: "I was with Paris. Paris stayed back at the event when she heard that he was injured, to make sure he was OK. She was very concerned with his health. She didn't leave until she knew that he was OK."

A fellow clubber added to People magazine: "Paris Hilton stayed with him until an ambulance came to take care of him. Paris was great, she was there until he was turned over to the medical technicians."
And then she picked up Sherwood by the scruff of his neck, cuddled him, clasped a Swarovski crystal-encrusted collar around his neck, and threw him in her Vuitton carrying case, plotting to change his name to "Cinderella."
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December 10, 2007

Paris Gets Punchy

paris hilton reads art of war.jpg Our love for Stamos Nachos is well documented. He's delightfully unwashed, we've never heard him speak (not even in print), and he has the best fake name in celebritydom. That is, until our alter ego makes it big in Hollywood. No one will be able to beat Senor Assface, because it will continually keep the masses guessing: Does his ass look like a face, or does his face look like an ass? Such a mystery. But anyway, back to Nachos. The famous ladies just can't get enough of him. And sometimes their need for a chunk of his feta makes them punchy. According to Page Six:
PARIS Hilton desperately wants her ex, Stavros Niarchos, back, say sources who have followed her antics in Miami this week. The former lovers, who are in South Beach for the annual Art Basel festivities, provided a traveling sideshow as Hilton spent the week trailing Niarchos from spot to spot trying to get his attention. Hilton first ran into him at Mansion Wednesday night, where he was paid to host the official Art Basel kickoff party. When the Greek shipping heir showed up with Brandon Davis' ex-girlfriend, Caroline Vreeland, however, Hilton was not pleased. "Paris beelined for Stavros, but he was chatting up Caroline," said our source. "He was completely ignoring Paris, and she was furious. She shot them evil looks and finally stormed up to them and started screaming at Caroline." On Thursday, the celebutard followed Niarchos to three different clubs. One partygoer at Mokai, where the rich kids started their night, told us, "Paris saw that Stavros was with a girl, and she went crazy. She literally stood on Stavros' table and began screaming at him. Then she started dancing and trying to get his attention." The insider said that when Stavros and his date left Mokai and moved on to Set, Hilton followed: "Paris went to great lengths trying to get Stavros' date kicked out, begging club security to get rid of the girl." Our witness even claimed, "Paris was so furious, she ended up walking up to the girl and just punched her." But a rep for Hilton called that account baloney: "Paris was at both clubs but at no time physically struck anyone. These accusations are completely false."
We're kind of surprised that Paris would actually punch someone and not get her bodyguard to do it for her. We're also surprised that Stamos's ladyfriend wasn't the one to punch Paris in the face, as Paris was clearly making out with the girl's evening escort:

paris hilton kisses stavros niarchos.jpg
Really, why don't we hear more stories about Paris getting punched in the face? Surely she's provoked someone other than Shanna Moakler in her "career" as a celebrity. Are girls today just too soft and weak? Are they afraid of breaking a nail? Or do high-school health classes teach them that you can catch herpes from skin-to-skin contact?
more »
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December 05, 2007

Britney and Paris Return to Sixth Grade

britney-and-paris.jpgIt's good to know that while Britney Spears is embroiled in a bitter divorce and custody battle, is being investigated on child abuse claims, and is dealing with her career being flushed down the crapper, she's keeping focused on the important things. Like making sure that mean old Paris Hilton gets her just desserts. And if Britney loves anything in this crazy world, it's desserts. According to our gossip sensei, Female First, Brit is threatening to leak some photos of Paris twaddling uvulas with some girl:
A source said: "Britney and her pals wrote to Paris and told her they are hearing rumours of a new sex-tape scandal. The letter also claims the tape shows footage of Paris locking lips with one of Britney's female friends at a party. It warns Paris that if she continues being rude to people, the footage will be leaked online."
How perfectly diabolical. Britney, you mad genius. A picture of Paris Hilton pecking the lips of a female friend! That will surely wipe that wonk-eyed grin right off her face and drag her chaste reputation through the mud. Perhaps next, Britney will threaten to expose Tara Reid as a drinker of alcoholic beverages, or release illicit photographs of Amy Winehouse smoking a cigarette. No one is safe from the vigilantism of Britney Jean Spears. Street justice has a new name. And it's "Weavetracks McGee". more »
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Lindsay and Paris Chase the Same Nachos

lindsay and paris underwear.jpg That Stamos Nachos is one hot potato. Since filling our lives with his ooey gooey cheesiness once again, he's been re-linked to MK Olsen, Paris Hilton, and now Lindsay Lohan (and, yes, we recall that just yesterday we brought you a story alleging that LiLo was f'ing Heath Ledger, but the girl's a multitasker). They all need that tortilla crunch! Page Six reports:
Lindsay Lohan is now spending time with her ex, Stavros Niarchos, after she dumped rehab buddy Riley Giles a week ago. Niarchos, who used to date both Lohan and her frenemy Paris Hilton, this time is sticking with the newly sober star. Hilton showed up to a party for the anti-smoking lozenge Ariva at Crimson in Hollywood the other night and tried to hook up with Niarchos - who, spies said, "wanted nothing to do with her and seemed so annoyed by her, he left the party" to go hang with Lohan. Hilton, unaware she had irked Niarchos, was then seen wandering around "asking where Stavros had gone."
C'mon now. We love our Nachos, but we'd never date him. What exactly is the draw here? His Brendan Fraser in Encino Man hair? His ability to block the rays of the sun with his towering frame and save a starlet from early wrinkling? His stellar record as a lover of the lower classes? We would say it was his piles and piles of spanakopita-scented money, but two of the ladies in question just made Forbes's list of the 20 top-earning young superstars under 25 (poor Hilty didn't make the list because she's an old hag of 26). Can someone please enlighten us here? We don't get it. more »
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CNW Junk Drawer: The People vs. Teri's Piehole

terieww.jpg• Teri Hatcher is being sued over lip gloss. The American justice system: serious business. (CelebTV)

• Heather Mills (McCartney) shows off her strawberry fields, forever. Do you wanna hold her glands? You might have a hard day's night, though she appears to be giving everyone a ticket to ride, so let's all come together, etc. etc. and so forth. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Cindy Crawford has cellulite. Whatever, like you wouldn't still masturbate with her discarded Kleenex. (Egotastic!)

• Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty are making beautiful drugs together. No, wait, we mean beautiful drugs. Shit, not drugs, drugs. Ack! Beautiful music, is what we mean. Wait, no. No, we did mean drugs. (Yeeeah!)

• Paris Hilton gets new lips; looks even more like Alice the Goon. (Derek Hail)

• Megan Fox does the old Uncle Joey "cut! it! out!" (Cityrag)

• John Maya is a str8 playa. (Daily Stab)

• Scarjo did not chop up her nose, and if you say so, she will sue your ass. (Celebitchy)

• Hayden Panettiere dons the 1989 soccer shorts; shows us her pegs. Make some sort of "score" or "goal" joke here, please. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Porn star Mary Carey is auctioning off her recently removed breast implants. A "portion" of the proceeds will go to the Susan G. Komen breast cancer foundation. The rest of the proceeds will go towards abusive puppy mills, toddler sweatshops, and terrorism. (The Blemish)

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November 27, 2007

Paris and Nicole: Together Again, Upskirtally

richie_hilton_paris.jpgOh, Tinseltown! That bastion of glamour, intrigue, and sauciness! Your starlets forever looking for a way to one-up themselves and each other. First with the nip slips, then with the sex tapes, then came the Underoo-free upskirt gyno shot. Although we were positive that there was nowhere to go from there, Christina Aguilera came along and raised the bar for all of us with her "nothin' but pantyhose and my pregnant poon". So one would assume that Nicole Richie, once a tabloid staple now relegated to Sitz baths and prenatal massages, might attempt the same. After the cut, see what went down. Downtown.

more »
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November 26, 2007

Mary-Kate Olsen Double Dips Her Nachos

mkmonsta.jpgBite-sized orangutwin Mary-Kate Olsen may be busy nursing her crippled pee filter, but weep not for her, friends, as she may have a very special friend to help heal her. A tall, Greek friend dripping with old money, Paris Hilton juice, and delicious, creamy cheese . . . that's right! Our beloved Stamos Nachos is BACK! Rejoice! The pair were observed canoodling at the Chateau Marmont on November 12, and Celebitchy sez:
"They were super into each other,” clubgoer Susan McGinley tells Life & Style. Adds a second partyer [sic], Stacey Kives, “He was making moves and she was eating it up.”

The duo kissed passionately for a few minutes, says the first witness - and then Mary-Kate, 21, put her hand over her mouth and giggled.

One person wasn’t laughing. When Stavros’ on-again, off-again love Paris Hilton, 26, heard about the PDA, she was infuriated. “She thinks MK was publicly hooking up with Stavros just to piss her off,” says an insider close to Paris.
Oh, what a verbal web you weave, quoted sources. Dropping a hilarious "eating it up" anorexia joke and a subtle "piss her off" reference to her busted kidney? Well-played. Well-played.
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November 19, 2007

1 Night in the Bath Tub Not as Action Packed as 1 Night in Paris

paris hilton lipstick on teeth.jpg We're pretty sure that Paris Hilton has about as much personality as a toy doll--a little more than Barbie, but a lot less than Kid Sister. And amazingly enough, naked boobs don't really add much to her appeal. You could plop a pair of tits on a dining room chair and they'd be about as interesting. So Paris Hilton in a bubble bath repeatedly muttering "Whaaa?" and "Huh?" and "I'm hot" is not exactly a revolutionary entry in the celebrity-sex-tape genre. For one thing, there's no sex. At all. Paris doesn't even get friendly with the shower nozzle. But if you get off on sudsy mam sacks attached to a vacuous mass of flesh, here you go. But you might want to turn the sound down, as the one time that Paris actually utters more than two syllables might ruin your fantasy that she's a Real Doll magically given the art of motion by Mr. Wizard or Professor Dumbledore or some such magical creature.
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November 14, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Gimme Moore (in a Bikini)

Demi_Moore_Bikini.jpg• Demikini. Bidemi? Moorekini. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Amy Winehouse plans to heal from her husband's arrest by backpacking through India. Yeah, there is absolutely nothing funny about that sentence. Nothing mockable there, no siree. (Socialite's Life)

• Tom Cruise sure can cut a rug, boy! Look at 'im jitterbug! He's doin' the Lindy Hop! Go, Tom! (Cityrag)

• Ladies and gentleman, the greatest film ever made: Major Movie Star, with Jessica Simpson. It's like Glitter meets Private Benjamin meets a gigantic BM. (Derek Hail)

• A lady beat up John Stamos on an airplane. Which was well-deserved; he had a hand in "Kokomo". (IMDb/WENN)

• Paris rubbing her person on a pole. Such is her wont. (Egotastic!)

• Lindsay Lohan is back to hanging out with her former element. The bad element. The lesbian element. No, wait, that's the good element. (Yeeeah!)

• Hey, look, it's a bunch of Victoria's Secret chippies dressed up like the Pink Ladies. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Brad and Angelina buy a man-made island in the shape of Ethiopia. Man-made? How gauche, that's like the cubic zirconia of islands. That said, we'll take one in the shape of a middle finger flipping off France. Yeah, buddy! USA! USA! USA! (CelebWarship)

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November 08, 2007

Paris Hilton Sez: "Save the Drunken Elephants!"

paris hilton with ferret.jpg OK, so you know how jail was supposed to have changed Paris Hilton and she was going to, like, cure AIDS with her vagina fluids or adopt a pack of orphaned penguins and keep them in her guest bathroom or something? But then instead she left the clink and refused to talk about ever having been in jail and kept on dancing on tables at Hyde and getting paid ridiculous amounts of money to make appearances at, like, the launch of a line of baby makeup? Well, now she's seen the error in her selfish ways and is looking to give something back to the world. And we're not talking about herpes. She's going to save the drunken elephants! The UK's Daily Star reports:
IF you’ve been worrying about binge-drinking elephants, just relax – Paris Hilton is coming to the rescue.

The Dr Dolittle of Hollywood is used to seeing her boozy mates in and out of rehab.

But Paris, 26, is now turning her attention to India, where grey trunks have developed a fondness for ale.

The big-eared boozers have become addicted to rice beer, which is brewed by locals in north-east India.

And party monster Paris was horrified to hear that 40 squiffy elephants fought with an electric pole in the West Garo Hills district last week, which instantly electrocuted six of the blotto beasts.

So the hotel heiress is launching a campaign to encourage locals to hide their vats of home-made brew from the grey inebriates, who have started to search for the free alcohol for their benders. Of last week’s jumbo deaths, Paris said: “There would have been more casualties if the villagers hadn’t chased them away.

“And four elephants died in a similar way three years ago. It is just so sad. The biggest problems are in Assam and Meghalaya. The elephants get drunk all the time.

“It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them.”

Assam elephant expert Kushal Konwar Sharma added: “More than 200 elephants have been killed by angry villagers during the last six years in the two states in what is developing into a fierce conflict between man and drunken beast.”

And convicted drink driver Paris continued: “In Tinsukia, the elephants smashed huts, plundered granaries and broke open casks to drink rice beer. The herd then went berserk, and killed people.

“Now they’re learning to be sly about their problems.”
We're sure Paris will abandon this cause once she finds out that she can't carry a pet elephant around in her purse. But actually we're just going to be upfront and say that we don't buy this story AT ALL. We just couldn't resist talking about Paris trying to save drunken elephants (other than Britney Spears--Oooh! Burn!). But we really really wish this story were true and had audio proof to back it up. We would love to hear Paris try to sound out the words Meghalaya, Tinsukia, and granaries. Actually, that gives us an idea for a writer's strike-friendly reality show: Give Paris Hilton a dictionary and make her try to pronounce any word over eight letters. Hilarity will definitely ensue. It'll be bigger than Dancing with the Stars. Or at least bigger than that show that's like American Idol but with crappy Linkin Park-inspired bands. more »
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November 01, 2007

Paris Hilton Sued for Being Unoriginal, Whorish

paris hilton snow white face.jpg For once we're going to do a story about extreme stupidity that involves Paris Hilton and Hilty isn't the one being a dumbass. We'd say that this backwardness would soon lead to stories about Paris Hilton not being a total skank, but we've already seen her myriad Halloween costumes, so that's not likely. Anyway, girl's gettin' sued. According to IMDB:
Paris Hilton is being sued by a woman who claims the blonde socialite 'stole' her look. The Simple Life star has been accused of causing "emotional distress" to fellow Californian, Nicolle O'Neill, who fancies herself as an inspiration to the party-loving heiress. In a bizarre personal injury complaint filed in Los Angeles Superior Court earlier this month, O'Neill alleges that she suffers psychologically because of Hilton and accuses the 26-year-old of ripping off her style, including fashion-related "patens" (sic) and "stiling" (sic) tips. Two pages of documents spell out specific charges against Hilton, including a claim that she stole O'Neill's idea to expose her underwear under her trousers. O'Neill also claims Paris swiped her idea to shop in vintage stores for retro dresses. Hilton has yet to issue a response to the allegations.
Poor Nicolle. Knowing that you're supposed to be the orange herpes farm with her hand on her hip and a wonk in her eye on the red carpet must be killing you. But, girl, if Paris deserves to be sued by anyone for flashing her beav cleav in public, it's us, the innocent gossip watchers who will never forget such a whorrific sight. Or maybe Sharon Stone.

Oh, and speaking of whorrific, here are a couple more Paris Halloween costumes for your perusal, because a world-class tramp can never limit herself to just one choice from the vast slutty _____ category.

Paris Hilton slutty Army Halloween costume.jpg paris hilton slutty jail bait halloween costume.jpg
more »
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October 29, 2007

Halloween Hooker Wrap-Up: A Bunch of Tricks

paris_sailor.jpgParis went for the natural look for Halloween. I.e., she's in her natural state. I.e. coated in white seamen.

After the cut, eyeball more Paris and other celebrity "slutty _____" costumes! more »
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October 26, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Biel 'Brella Bashes Like Britney

jessica-biel-umbrella.jpg• Now that it's raining more than ever/know that Biel still hates the paparazzi/You can get beat by her umba-rella/You get beat by her umba-rella, ella, ella, ay, ay, ay. (Egotastic!)

• Britney Spears pretends she has narcolepsy, which is not an oozing venereal disease, like one might automatically assume. (Yeeeah!)

• Katie "Jordan" Price gives a hot blow job!!! She'll really straighten you out! (Drunken Stepfather)

• Work that butt chin, Jessica Simpson. (IDLYITW)

• Now we know what Heidi Klum sees in Seal. (Pssst! It's his enormous penis!!!!) (Derek Hail)

• Happy Halloween! Please stick your candle into Christina Ricci's pumpkins. She was Wednesday Addams, after all, so this is plenty relevant. (Cityrag)

• Find out what happens when Dinas stop being orange and start gittin' REAL. (Fatback and Collards)

• And speaking of questionable Lohans (are there any other kind?), Michael is dressed like it's twink night at the Wet Piston, wtf. (Celeb Warship)

• Rwanda postponed its visit from Paris Hilton, presumably because it needed to reinforce its herpes levees. (Celebitchy)

• Scarlett Johansson knows that nothing says "we're casually dating, I'm kind of into you" than forcing your boyfriend to don your body parts around his neck like a gilded noose. (The Blemish)

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October 24, 2007

Paris Hilton Furthers "Singing" "Career"

Paris Hilton slouched and agape.jpg We think that Britney Spears should take a few minutes out of her child-neglecting duties and watch this trailer for Paris Hilton's new movie, Repo! The Genetic Opera! After one viewing she probably won't feel so bad about that whole VMAs thing.
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October 19, 2007

Paris Hilton Is Gonna Live Forever, Learn How To Fly

futuristic paris hilton.jpg There are many things in this universe that frighten us: fat ladies on Rascals, the return of the poncho, Suri Cruise growing up to become our evil Scientological overlord, Hannah Montana fans, snakes. But we're pretty certain that the idea of Paris Hilton living for thousands and thousands of years trumps any creepy phobia anyone could ever think up. It would be even worse than every single person on Earth legally changing their name to a Grey's Anatomy style Dr. McSoandSo nickname. Our own Dr. McGossip, FemaleFirst, reports:
Paris Hilton wants to be frozen with her beloved pets when she dies.

The hotel heiress is keen to live forever and has invested a large sum of money in the world's biggest suspended animation cemetery, Cryonics Institute.

She wants her body to be preserved and then brought back to life, along with her favourite pets, including her famous Chihuahua Tinkerbell and new mutt, Yorkshire Terrier Cinderella.

'The Simple Life' star said: "It's so cool. Almost all the cells in the body are still alive when death is pronounced.

"And if you're immediately cooled, you can be perfectly preserved.

"My life could be extended by hundreds and thousands of years."
Look, we're no Ted Williams fanatics or anything, so we don't know much about this freezing business, but we think Paris's logic is a bit fishy here. Sure, in the distant future there may be a cure for herpes or vadge rot or skankiness, but Paris is unlikely to die from those things. What if she (God forbid) lives till she's 112 and dies of old age? We can't really see that ever being medically reversible. Paris would be better off donating her brain to scientists so they could study the vast depths of her genius. more »
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September 26, 2007

Paris Hilton Brings the Wonk to Rwanda

parishiltonnickybetsey6.jpgParis Hilton may not be taking in a brood of needy towheads, but she is indeed helping, like the girl in the Shake n' Bake ad of yore. The burnt umber heiress tells E! Online that come November, she headed to Rwanda to do . . . something:
"There's so much need in that area, and I feel like if I go, it will bring more attention to what people can do to help. I want to visit more countries where poverty and children's issues are a big concern. I know there's a lot of good I can do just by getting involved and bringing attention to these issues."
When we saw the headline "Paris Hilton Brings Aid to Africa" we thought it said "Paris Hilton Brings AIDS to Africa" and we thought, "Yeah, that sounds about right. But don't they have plenty of that already?" Oh, what a morning we've had! AIDS jokes and Holocaust gas jokes all in the same day? Ah, CelebNewsWire. We're such a class act. We'd fart to lighten the mood, but Tom Cruise would fire us from life. more »
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September 21, 2007

Paris Is, Like, Giving and Stuff

paris is orange.jpg And now let us pause to take a look into the vast wastelands of Paris Hilton's mind: "People still don't think I'm a good person who, like, helps people and stuff. Didn't they see me holding that baby that one time? That's good! That baby had probably never seen anyone as pretty as me and will remember my beauty for the rest of its life. I'm totally one of those things, what's it's called? A good sammytan? That is so me. I went to jail! Doesn't anybody remember that I lived without makeup and bikini waxes and lattes and mani/pedis for 23 whole days? That's, like, two months or something. And only good people go to jail, so I must be good. But nobody believes me. What can I do to make everybody think that I'm good like that boring Angie Jodie lady with all those kids? Maybe I should help some orphans. Adoption would be really hard, and babies are no good at shopping anyway, so they'd be no fun. Maybe I could give them something. They usually have really ugly clothes cause they have to shop in those gross stores that sell, like, food and tools and clothes all in the same place, so I'll give them those old things I don't like anymore. That's totally selfless and mature and, like, for the love of the children, right?" According to Contact Music, Paris said:
“I have, like, a million clothes and more than 500 pairs of shoes, so I'm going to give a bunch of them to orphanages and children's hospitals. I never wear something twice.”
Those clothes will come in handy during the orphans' favorite game, Dress up Like Your Favorite Celebrity Whorebag. Some of the kids have gotten really skilled at using a lipliner pencil to draw herpes sores.
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September 18, 2007

Paris Hilton Has, Like, AIDS

paris pretends to read.jpg We have yet to encounter an object, living or inanimate, that is dumber than Paris Hilton. We bet if you found a still-steaming pile of cocker spaniel feces in your front lawn, with enough determination you could teach it the alphabet, give it a press pass, and send it to The Ivy to conduct a one-on-one interview with Paris. And when reporter poo pile asked Paris about how involved she was with designing her new clothing line, she'd just say, "You're stinky. Gross." And in case you're thinking that we're being too harsh on Ms. Hilton, let this item from MSNBC crawl into your brainpan and fester:
It was the Princess and the Pee, reports TMZ, when Paris Hilton stepped in a puddle of sewer water after exciting an exclusive nightclub. When an onlooker announced that the puddle might very well be urine, a perturbed Paris made a misguided announcement regarding communicable diseases. “Oh my God, I have, like, AIDS,” she exclaimed. Gee, maybe she should have stuck out high school a little longer, if only for a semester of sex ed.
We thought the one subject Paris would be well versed in would be sexually transmitted diseases. But then again, maybe she thinks, "Aw, fuck it, the herp ain't that bad, so what do I care if I get another?"
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CNW Junk Drawer: A Total Raging Disgusting Rich Lazy Party Slut

britney_bathroom.jpg• Britto's manager drops her mere hours after her lawyer does. She's getting dropped more often than Sean Preston. Ba-dum-bump. (Yeeeah!)

• Jessica Simpson brings back the Daisy Dukes. Or maybe the Dazzy Duks. Whatever. (Drunken Stepfather)

• This is what Kid Rock bitchslapped Tommy Lee over. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Mary-Louise Parker pulls a Madonna. And we don't mean dry-humping Vanilla Ice. (The Blemish)

• Dave Grohl says that Paris is a "total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut." In similar news, Dave Grohl claims that "bacon tastes real good" and "water is wet". (Celebitchy)

• Christina Aguilera's baby will never go hungry. (Derek Hail)

• Sting probably had sex with these hookers. But the question remains: did he have sex with them for ten hours straight? (IDLYITW)

• Keira Knightley is a big fat sloppy gross lardy gigantic moo cow. (Celeb Warship)

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September 17, 2007

Paris Not Planning Army of Blondes

paris_hilton_raise-roof.jpgRejoice! Paris Hilton has refuted claims that she is planning on adopting a midget army of Children of the Damned style blondes to make a skanky master race. According to our gossip class president, Female First, Paris says:
"People have said I'm adopting four blonde babies. That's retarded! I'm not. Maybe I will at some point in my life, but I want to have my own children first."
Aside from the obvious relief we feel upon hearing that Paris will yet not be responsible for the molding of youth, we're really into the fact that she's retired "That's hot" in favor of the new catchphrase, "That's retarded!" It will look especially kicky on a trucker hat in Swarovski crystals. Now at Kitson! more »
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September 12, 2007

Hilton Plans Paris Army

paris hilton holing a baby.jpg There was a story floating around last week about Paris Hilton saying she wants to have a baby within the year. We ignored it because we figured once Paris saw Nicole Richie in her seventh or eighth month and realized that having babies means getting fat she'd abandon the idea and move on to trying to buy a pet penguin or something. But it appears someone already told her about the swollen midsection thing and she's found a way around it. Our own Miss Hannigan, FemaleFirst, says:
Paris Hilton wants to adopt four blond-haired girls.

The hotel heiress, whose close friend Nicole Richie recently announced her pregnancy, reportedly wants to travel the world to find disadvantaged children she can give a home to.

A source told Britain's Closer magazine: "Paris has been saying, 'You don't need a husband to have babies.' There are babies in orphanages around the world, and she's hoping to find four girls with blonde hair and pretty eyes to whom to give the Hilton name."

The 26-year-old blonde, who has made no secret of her desire to become a mother, wants her future children to follow in her footsteps and become famous.

The source added: "She's been telling people, 'I want a brood of little mini versions of me.' I'll raise them to be the most famous women in the world."

Paris also wants her daughters to become models and is planning to launch her own line of children's clothing.

The source said: "She'll design a line of baby clothes. She sees her kids modelling from a young age."
We imagine Paris constructing a proper classroom in which she can teach her protιgιes the basics of Hilton living: how to apply lipgloss, how to pose with your hand on your hip, how to pretend you have the brainpower of a Pomeranian, how to tilt your head to best distract from the wonk, how to give the perfect blowjob. It'll be just like a Madeline book, with Paris as Miss Clavel.
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September 10, 2007

2007 VMAs = Very Mundane Awards

beyonce gold dress glittery.jpg So the VMAs were last night. And in between stifled yawns and many, many glasses of Arbor Mist (it's like juice--but with booze!), we made a few observations. First, Beyoncι's boobs are really jiggly. Sarah Silverman is still not funny just because she's mean (AND she has now made us feel sympathy for Paris Hilton TWICE, and for that she must pay). We are old and completely out of touch and have no idea who this Chris Brown fellow is, but boy can dance (though he can't lip sync worth a damn). Kid Rock and Tommy Lee need to chill the fuck out; we're sure Pammy would still screw them both so there's no need to fight over who gets the privilege. Some people were walking around with little silver statues, but we're not sure why; maybe they were cool new accessories, like Kanye West's sunglasses. Dr. Dre looked like he shopped for his awards-show duds in the closet of either Hans or Franz. Rihanna's dress was really, really tight and her hair was inexplicably awesome. rihanna pink dress vmas.jpg
Paris Hilton's dress was really, really tight and her hair was explicably horrendous--but still a lovely tribute to Florence Henderson.
paris hilton leopard dress vmas.jpg
The part of Jennifer Garner was filled by her Madame Tussaud's wax figure--and had really awful hair.
jennifer garner vmas.jpg
And we feel like there was something else we were going to mention. God. What was it? There is nothing left in our head concerning last night's awards ceremony. Did something else happen? We just can't remember.
more »
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September 07, 2007

Paris Hilton Takes First-Hand Knowledge of Prison and Chick Kissing to the Stage

wax paris hilton jail outfit.jpg With such demanding roles as Strung-out Supermodel, Female Club-goer, and Herself already stuffing her impressive rιsumι, Paris Hilton has decided to take her tang to the stage for some lady groping. According to A Socialite's Life:
Paris is set to star in a musical in London in which she'll play a chick in prison who hooks with another gal. The show is based on a popular Australian soap opera called "Prisoner: Cell Block H".

"Paris, who is said to have been keen to tread the boards in the West End for some time, is to star as an inmate in the production set in a women-only prison.

It is believed her character will be involved in a lesbian romp.

The source added: 'Paris is keen to stretch herself as an actress so she's happy to kiss another girl for the audience and actually thinks it'll be fun to play a lesbian. She'll also get to stretch her vocal chords and she loves that.'"
Paris to play a convict who makes out with chicks? Why, we're shocked! That's so out of character. She might as well we playing Eleanor Roosevelt. Such a stretch. We just hope this surely ground-breaking production pares down the script so that Paris's singing part is restricted to a few whispered and breathy lines and her dance moves include a pole and/or a table to make her feel more comfortable. Better yet, cut the singing and dancing altogether and just have Paris and another femme inmate groping and kissing and licking for the entire performance. It would sell tons of tickets and Paris wouldn't have to bother herself with memorizing lines.
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September 05, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Floatation Devices

pamela_anderson_bikini_sept_5_big.jpg• Pam Anderson as you've never seen her before: half naked and covered in frothy white liquid. No, wait, you've seen her like that plenty of times. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Gwen Stefani is all "I call a foul! Hand-checking!" and then blows her whistle. (Yeeeah!)

• Maggie Gyllenhaal is part Stevie Nicks, part Vampira, part Norma Desmond in the new ads for Agent Provocateur. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Nicole Kidman cops to miscarriage and secret engagement. She should also cop to having red pubes. Admit it! Tell us the truth! (Allie Is Wired)

• Jude Law was arrested for assaulting a photographer. Oh, come on. Jude Law? He probably just gave the man a feeble, limp-wristed slap and then adjusted his foppish ascot. (The Blemish)

• Matt Dillon keeps unibrow; shaves down nose. (Cityrag)

• What's that up Paris Hilton's skirt? Is it a prize? Do we win a prize? Is it bigger than a breadbox? (Drunken Stepfather)

• And Maria Sharapova is like, "Upskirt? I'll show YOU upskirt. Fools." (Taxi Driver)

• Spiderman takes a bride. (Celebitchy)

• Jerry Lewis talks about a bundle of sticks. That's what he's talking about, right? (GlossLip)

• Hate your ears? Then check out these new Britney Spears "songs"! (Derek Hail)

• Drew Barrymore makes out with the Macintosh Man. Man, that's like Cameron Diaz necking with a Geico caveman. Or Penelope Cruz hitting the sheets with the "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell" guy. (Yes, we realize that Justin Long has done other crap besides these commercials, so cool out, man) (ONTD)

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August 28, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: An Elle of a Bod

Elle_Macpherson_Surf.jpg• If you're "board", Elle MacPherson in a bikini will make you whip up a batch of your own sex wax. Har de har. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Someone give Renee Zellweger a part in Bridget Jones 3, stat. (Yeeeah!)

• Paris Hilton rubs her nipple on a bear. (Egotastic!)

• Madonna: arms of an ultimate fighter, hands of an ancient oak tree. (Cityrag)

• Owen Wilson's funnyman exterior belies the coketacular pain within. (GlossLip)

• Diora Baird stars in the upcoming film Young People Fucking. How cryptic. What could that possibly be about? (The Blemish)

• Keira Knightley is all, "Being famous sucks. I'm ugly. Tits." (Daily Stab)

• Fergie's got it coming out of both ends now. (Dlisted)

• Not satisfied with ingesting nicotine the old-fashioned way, Keith Richards eats a cigarette onstage. Next up in is quest for a new buzz: ketamine eye wash and crack rock earplugs. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

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August 23, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Duff Muff?

Bridget_Moynahan_pregnant.jpg• Bridget Moynahan gave birth to a giant football yesterday. (Celebitchy)

• Anna Faris makes with the cheek-smugglers. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Jessica Biel is happy to share her chest chasm with you in FHM. (Egotastic!)

• Attractive drip Adrian Grenier throws genital caution to the wind and hangs out with Paris Hilton. (The Blemish)

• Christina Aguilera's baby will not go hungry. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Sweden makes the call: Bill Murray is one beer over par! (IDLYITW)

• Mariah Carey obscures breasts with lace grandma curtain; cirrus clouds. (Cityrag)

• Lindy Loho thinks that rehab is serious business. You can tell by her no-nonsense hair bun and utilitarian mom-chic hoodie. (Yeeeah!)

• The main peril of being a housecat is accidentally drinking antifreeze. Unless you're Pete Doherty's cat, then the biggest problem is a couple of bumps of coke sprinkled atop your Meow Mix. (A Socialite's Life)

• Hilary Duff: womanly folds or crotch seam? (Taxi Driver)

• Hayden Panettiere: now old enough for lactose bukkake! (Celeb Warship)

• Jennifer Love Hewitt cries when she watches herself act. That's so funny, because we also wail uncontrollably when we have to watch her act. (Daily Stab)

• Kurt Russell sports flaccid ding dongage and a solid B-cup. (Allie Is Wired)

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August 07, 2007

Jail Made Paris Rashy

paris hilton goes to trial.jpg Paris Hilton is such a sensitive, wilting little flower that she couldn't stand the harsh conditions in jail, like those horrible, horrible bed linens you always hear stories about. They're polyester blend! The prison laundry doesn't even use fabric softener! We hear Paris's people are planning a horror film about it as we speak. People dug up the hard-hitting facts from Paris's mommy:
For Kathy Hilton, the toughest part about daughter Paris Hilton's being in jail – and on the other side of the glass partition that separated them during visits – was "seeing the rashes on her arms and face from the thin sheets."

Equally difficult, Hilton, 48, tells PEOPLE after a screening of The Kingdom in Southampton, N.Y., was witnessing the correctional facility's guards physically pulling her 26-year-old daughter away after one visit, "grabbing her under the arm" – and then seeing the words "L.A. County" printed on the back of Paris's jail jumpsuit.
That's funny, Paris didn't seem to be red and blotchy when she was released from Lynwood. Maybe Paris contracted one of those afflictions that only a mother can see--due to her deep and lasting love, of course. Plus, we're pretty sure Paris is well versed in the care of mysterious rashes. She did screw Joe Francis, after all.
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August 01, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: "Nasty Old Rag"

kate_pete_window.jpg• Nasty old rag Kate Moss might have to pay off ex Pete Doherty to shut him up. Ah, the perils of cracky love. (Celeb Warship)

• Paris just a hair(less) away from her 'tang-flashing halcyon days. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Nomi Malone, in a bikini, poolside. Hopefully, after these pictures were taken, she doffed those espadrilles, hopped in the pool with that guy, and recreated the Showgirls floppin'-like-beached-salmon scene. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Paris Hilton has not been cut out of the Hilton will, as we recently reported. Bah, life is so ugly and unfair. (IDontLikeYouInThatWay)

• Courtney Love gets bedazzled. (Celebrity Puke)

• Michael Lohan is such a great dad. He doesn't even know the name of Lindsay's new movie. (In Touch)

• Kirsten Dunst is too drunk for America, but too noisy for England. (A Socialite's Life)

• Hayden Panettiere picks n' licks. (Derek Hail)

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July 30, 2007

Hopefully, the Sex Tape Spoils Were Invested Wisely

parishiltonnickybetsey6.jpgParis Hilton might be rich in nip slips, wonk eyes and mild mental retardation, but she's significantly more broke today, as she's been cut out of the Hilton family will. There goes 60 million clams! According to Australia's News.com:
Family patriarch Barron Hilton was already embarrassed by his granddaughter's wild behavior - notably when her home sex video was leaked on the internet.

But the 79-year-old considered her 23-day sentence last month the last straw, a Hilton biographer says. "He was, and is, extremely embarrassed by how the Hilton name has been sullied by Paris," says (a source). "He now doesn't want to leave unearned wealth to his family."

Barron Hilton, the only member of the family left with a sizeable stake in the huge hotel chain, has let it be known that he intends to donate the $2.4 billion he will gain from this month's sale of the company to the Conrad N. Hilton Foundation, the charity set up in the name of the founder of the family business.
It's awesome that crotchety old rich guys cutting relatives out of a will for whorish behavior actually happens outside of daytime soap operas. Hopefully, Barron Hilton really got his point across by tearing up the will with a flourish. Or lighting it on his cigar and then cackling as it dissolved into flames. And just as hopefully, he was wearing a monocle and waistcoat while doing it. Because if you're that rich, that's what you spend your money on. Antiquated, jaunty eyewear. more »
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July 25, 2007

Ew Part 2.

cisconudecensballs.jpg Like the genital linking of Kimberly Stewart and Tommy Lee, the commingling of herpes strains between Paris Hilton and Cisco Adler was inevitable. TMZ reports:
The scariest scene at Guy's karaoke night on Tuesday wasn't Paris "singing," it was her make-out session with ballsy Cisco Adler! Nuts!

A TMZ spy spotted Hilton and Mischa Barton's grungy ex-boyfriend kissing all over each other at the club last night, with Paris going so far as to give Adler a little lap dance. Careful of the boys!

When she wasn't getting randy in the crowd, Paris graced the stage with a rendition of "Bette Davis Eyes," followed by a medley of her hit "Stars are Blind."
This is the universe trying to punish us, isn't it? Now we're never going to get the image of Paris Hilton trying to slurp up Cisco's enormous, pendulous balls like a couple of oysters on the half shell out of our head.
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July 16, 2007

Paris Hilton Votes and Slips Nip. We Vote for Nip Slips.

paris hilton surf star bikini.jpg Forget all that crap you've heard about Paris Hilton getting special treatment while she was in jail. The real way you know that Paris is the superduper #1 most important person in the entire solar system is that she gets to vote for president of the United States whenever she feels like it. She could wake up on a Friday morning in January 2009 and decide that it was election day and that she was going to single-handedly kick the pres out of office. That's just how much power she really has. She can also celebrate Leap Day in August if she wants. Also powerful? Paris's nipple. See it after the cut. more »
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July 02, 2007

Paris Hilton Wears Bikini, Talks Backwards

paris hilton bikini squat.jpg We're pretty sure there was a time when the sight of Paris Hilton in a bikini was exciting or interesting or boner inducing. We're just having a really hard time (and, no, we didn't mean it in that way) remembering such an era. But perhaps you are not as sexually desensitized as we are (we blame Britney's shorn clam for turning us into an unarousable Morrissey-like sadsack), in which case, please, enjoy the site of an ex-convict in a bikini! Oh, and if that doesn't do it for you, you can also learn what spoooky hidden messages were contained in Paris's Larry King interview. more »
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June 26, 2007

Paris Is Free! As Free As the Wind! Fly, Little Sparrow, Fly!

free_paris.jpgIf, this morning, you woke up with a feeling of general unease, and for some strange reason felt like a small tit might fall out of a dress somewhere near your person, or that you were mere seconds away from hearing a small, breathy voice chant, "I got fucked in the butt for coke", it wasn't your imagination--Paris Hilton was freed from jail. Hollyscoop reports:
Dressed casually in dark denim and a short-sleeved top, Paris made no statement but she was obviously ecstatic as she walked down a paparazzi-lined path to a waiting car where she was hugged by mom Kathy.

The Hiltons left quickly towards their exclusive Bel Air mansion but were followed by several vehicles full of paparazzi's. There's no word yet on what Paris actually did on her first night as a free woman.
We're no experts, but we think she did some shirtless swimming, running, and soldier-taunting, possibly in crisp white pantaloons. Who knows, man, we're baked.

UPDATE: along with shoe polish tattoos and homosexual experimentation, another popular prison pastime is pencil drawings. Here's one Paris made for TMZ.com, which looks a lot like the art our 10-year-old cousin does, only with 95% less Bratz.

Paris_Jail_TMZ_art.jpg


more »
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CNW Junk Drawer: Outrageous and Delusional

Christina_Aguilera_Pregnant_Tits.jpg• If Christina Aguilera isn't pregnant in her uterus, then she's definitely carrying a set of twins in her cans. Whooo-eeee! (Drunken Stepfather)

• I know why the caged Tom Sizemore sings. Because meth makes you chipper. (FemaleFirst)

• What will Paris do, post-jail? Here are some fine ideas on life after incarceration. (Yeeeah!)

• While Paris was in jail, her Delorean or whatever was repossessed. It would be funner if it was just plain possessed, like Christine, but we work with what we're given. (Hollywood Backwash)

• A new musical is in the works, based on "outrageous and delusional" Claymates. If there's anything that makes our comment switchboard light up, it's Clay Aiken! (ONTD)

• Once upon a time, Eva Mendes wanted to be a nun. Then she looked in the mirror and was like, "hahahahahahaha, yeah RITE." (Derek Hail)

• Germany has banned Tom Cruise from filming scenes for a new movie in their country, simply because they think Scientology is lame. Who says Germans don't have a sense of humor? (Celebrity Hack)

• Hef: the Movie. (Hollywood Grind)

• V.I.L.E. henchmen Timberlake and Biel have been spotted passing the loot on to Robocrook in . . . Copenhagen! (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Justin, by the way, is arty. Wait, not arty. Farty. (FemaleFirst)

• Michael Lohan claims that Mama Dina blew rails while pregnant with "our oldest child, Lindsay." That would explain a thing or two, except for the fact that Lindsay has an older brother. Who's the cokehead now, Michael? Huh? Huh? (Celebitchy)
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June 22, 2007

"Yaaayyyy, Thanks for the Jail!"

paris_hilton_venus.jpgWith the wincing, shivering demeanor of an abused puppy, Paris Hilton called in to Ryan Seacrest's radio show and bowed and scraped and cried,
"I'm much more grateful for everything that I have, even just to have a pillow at night or food. In a way, I'm really glad this happened, because it changed my life forever. I just realize that the media used me to make fun of and be mean about it. Frankly, I'm sick of it. I want to use my fame in a good way. I feel like I can't wait to start a new chapter of my life. It feels really great even though I really don't like it here."
1. You just now realized that the media mocks you? Just now? After we've all seen and heard you use racial slurs and let your hoo-ha hang out and watched your own pets turn on you? Just now?
2. How long before Buddha Hilton forgets this humility and is only grateful for food flown in directly from its source via solid platinum private jet and pillows made from the feathers of fledgling bald eagles? more »
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June 19, 2007

Paris Hilton: Loved by Walls, Hated by Neighbors

paris hilton mugshot 2.jpg We here at CelebNewsWire make it a priority to know our readers. For instance, we know that you like boobies. Big ones, little ones, symmetrical ones, deformed ones. You like them fully exposed, partially exposed, slipping out of a too loose top, glimpsed beneath semi-sheer gowns. Because of our vast knowledge of our readership, we can also tell exactly what you are doing at this very second. You are biting into an apple cruller, thinking about dunking it into your lukewarm and too bitter coffee, and contemplating the existence of Paris Hilton, how she spends her days in jail, her feelings for her family, what her home life will be like once she's released from that state correctional facility. And now you're staring in awe at your computer screen thinking, "Holy shit, they can see me. The bastards are watching me; and they know I have fake Dakota Fanning porn on my computer!" And now you are using your keyboard to smash your monitor and preparing to run like hell. Yeah, we know you. more »
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June 14, 2007

Paris Hilton Parties After Hours with Plastic Surgeon

paris_wonk_eye.jpg Paris Hilton is officially out of sick bay and back in the general population at Lynwood Correctional Facility, where she is surely learning such skills as home tattooing and how to fashion lipstick out of menstrual blood. But even more interesting to us is the fact that, during those precious few hours she was out on house arrest, a plastic surgeon was summoned to her home. According to US Weekly:
In the early morning hours of Friday, June 8, Paris Hilton was paid a visit by a man who, while walking out of Hilton's home at 4 a.m., confirmed to an X17 cameraman that he was her doctor.

Usmagazine.com can report that the man was, in fact, Dr. Steven Hoefflin, a renowned cosmetic surgeon, who has been dubbed "the plastic surgeon to the stars."

The doctor was also spotted at the courthouse on June 8, when he interrupted Hilton's hearing in order to submit a document to Judge Michael Sauer. When Hilton's lawyer was asked for an explanation, he told the judge, "[Hoefflin] has treated my client but has no authority to speak on the case."
If we were freshly freed from prison, our plastic surgeon would be pretty low on the list of important persons to whom we'd grant access, especially at 4 in the morning. The only logical explanation is that Paris's wonk-eye is actually a parasitic twin that is constantly trying to ease its way down the side of her cheek to make its escape from glittery bronze tyranny, and the good doctor must constantly inject it with magic antidote to keep it in line. Yup, we've weighed all the possible options to explain the surgeon's presence--family friend? Pshaw! Drug maintenance? Preposterous!--and it's gotta be parasitic eye twin. more »
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June 12, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: What a Luffoon

britney_priceless.jpg• Britney Spears. Her butt. Your face. (TMZ)

• No phrase sends quivers of ecstasy up the male spine wiener quite like "Kelly Brook bikini photoshoot". (Hollywood Tuna)

• Paris is suffering from ADD and claustrophobia. BFD, our cousin Cheyenne is suffering from impetigo and chronic fatigue and she's still in jail. (The Blemish)

• An improvement on that boring Sopranos finale. (Cityrag)

• Justin Timberlake was traumatized filming Black Snake Moan sex scenes with Christina Ricci. "The sex scene was pretty hot," he said. "I’m not going to say it doesn’t feel weird pretending to fuck someone in front of a man with a sound boom, though.” That would be weird indeed, and very unlike our usual practice of fucking a man from the front with his sound boom.(