It’s been kind of nice having Paris Hilton out of the gossip papers lately. Quiet. Calm. Less itchy and weepy around the gentials. But we’ve sort of missed her and her particular brand of dipshittiness, so we’re opening up our arms and thighs and happily accepting her back into our lives. TMZ reports:
Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt got into an epic fight early this morning … so much so the LAPD responded to a call — “Drunk people arguing” — this, according to law enforcement sources.
An eyewitness tells us he saw Paris in her driveway and Doug getting in his car, when Paris began screaming, “Don’t go, don’t go!”
The eyewitness tells us Doug got out of the car and the lovebirds began “shoving each other.” According to law enforcement, cops spoke to Paris and left.
Faded Youth has some pictures of Paris and Doug at an event a few hours before the incident, and Paris looks freakishly like Twirly Curls Barbie, so we wouldn’t be surprised if they weren’t fighting at all–Doug was just trying to best position Paris into the purple plastic chair so he could used the magic twirler to transform her locks into beautiful golden ropes.
Follow us on Twitter or we’ll shove you.
UPDATE: Paris pulls a Shaggy, says “it wasn’t me.”
Robert Pattinson has been stripped of his crown, like Vanessa Williams and Carrie Prejean before him. Yesterday we reported that RPattz landed People’s Sexiest Man Alive title, but it turns out that we were just being toyed with. People released the real cover today, and it’s Johnny Depp again. Dude was the sexiest in 2003 and apparently, six years have done nothing to dampen his palpable handsomeosity, and he and his curiously patchy fu manchu have emerged victorious once again. According to PopEater, the senior editor at People explained,
“Johnny Depp was someone who was sexy 10 years ago. He’ll be sexy 10 years from now. He’s someone who appeals to multiple generations of women.”
And ten years after that, he’ll still be sexy. And he’ll be sexy 10 years after that. 10 years following that he’ll be in assisted living, gumming canned pears and goosing nurses with his fungus-nailed claw hands and he’ll still be sexy. 10 years after that he will be drained of blood and organs and in a coffin and he will still be sexy. 10 years after that, butyric putrefaction has set in, and beetles are chewing their way through Depp’s ligaments while tineid moths feast on his glorious hair and face it, you’d still f him. God, this was a hot story.
Now that Brittany Murphy’s steady King of the Hill paycheck has gone to syndication heaven, girl’s gotta work. And though we haven’t seen her in anything since that movie where she nannied Dakota Fanning (Shut up. It was on TBS.), she apparently has five movies in some state of production. Yes, five. So she needs to get back on our radar. And what better way to do that than by publicly making out with her super super hunky husband and a fluffy little dog? We can’t think of a single way to top that. Seriously, we can’t think of one. No no no. The words “sex tape” never, ever crossed our mind. We swear. This is better. She doesn’t need to do that. Please please Jebus don’t let her do that. Seeing Mr. Brittany Murphy mid hump would surely signal the end of days.
You made it this far, so obviously you love disgusting pictures of celebrities kissing. Good news! We have a whole gallery of gross kissing pics on Facebook!
There are some celebrity ex-boyfriends that we desperately want to return to the spotlight. Day after day we gaze upon the picture of Stamos Nachos that we cut from an old issue of Us Weekly and tacked up next to our computer and we lament, “Oh, Nachos, when will you ever return to us, our love?” And once in a while we hear rumblings of his continued existence. Lindsay Lohan will be seen slinking out of his house at 6 A.M. But it’s never enough. We want his full cheesy, ooey, gooey goodness back in our lives. But then there are other celebrity ex-boyfriends that we pray will never return. So thanks, thanks a lot, Avril Lavigne, for making us type the name Wilmer Valderrama once again. Were you really that hard up? Really? A source told Life & Style:
They have been friends since working together on Fast Food Nation in 2005, but things heated up last month. One of their first dates was Oct. 29 at Nobu in West Hollywood. She had her hand on his knee and they were whispering in each other’s ear, laughing. They even closed the club, sneaking out just after 2.
We’ve seen a lot of titties in our day. Sure, maybe not in person, but magazines and computer screens count, right? So we know that there are all different shapes and sizes and hangs and dimensions and whatnot. But we also know that plastic surgery can mess up (or fix, whatever) all of these things. Which is exactly what we think happened to the hooters (not) hanging on Blake Lively’s chest. “But,” you say, “she’s young! They’re supposed to be perky!” Well, folks, we present to you exhibit A) 90210 star Jessica Lowndes’s side boob. Jessica is a full year and half younger than Blake. And those floppers are sporting some natural hang. They in no way resemble a halved Nerf football. We’re not saying that one is better than the other, exactly, we just like truth in advertising. Fake boobs that actually look good totally freak us out. Kind of like cats who can use the toilet.
If you know who this chick is, chances are you’re 14. In that case, you’ll love our Twitter page!
Rihanna has a big lump on her head. So she either went back to Chris “Doo Doo” Brown or she’s growing horns. The latter is more believable. (Gone Hollywood)
Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima gives birth to baby girl; is probably not a virgin anymore. (PopEater)
Victoria’s Secret model Shannan Click naked. Totally, truly, NSFW naked naked. It’s pretty funny that a model has the last name “Click”. That would be like a dentist named Dr. Bzzzzzrrrrt or CelebNewsWire’s last name being a fart sound. (Yeeeah!)
Beyonce upskirt, but she’s got underwear on so don’t get too jazzed or nuthin. (Cityrag)
New Moon star Noot Seear nude. Which makes you a Nood Seer. Haw! (Nudography)
Ashley Tisdale wears a bikini. Also, I got a splinter yesterday. It hurt! (CelebSlam)
This morning we woke up and felt like something was missing in our lives. Something large and clammy and teeming with riches. Then we sparked up the old computer and lo and behold, a big fat pouty meatball named Brandon Davis was back in our lives! X17 has pictures and a video of Greasy Bear doing a bump of cocaine off his hand in a bathroom, while Lindsay Lohan wanders around aimlessly in the background. Remember when he called her Firecrotch and she hated him? Coke brings people together better than peace and understanding. Lindsay hit Twitter and fired back:
“hahaha x17online posted photos of NOT ME inside someone’s bathroom…
All negativity & bad karma..nice try though kids-u should do a deal with michael lohan sr a match made in heaven! perfect, he’s religious!”
There are pictures, dopey. It’s you. Blaming an invisible moppet named Not Me didn’t work for Dolly and Jeffy and it’s not working for you.
On our Facebook page, we have an extensive photo gallery of Lilo eating her hand.
Have you already Fandangoed your advance tickets for New Moon? Oh, excellent, then you probably also tape every episode of Army Wives and own an extensive collection of sweatshirts festooned with embroidered Disney characters . Which means you crave news about Robert Pattinson! And we have some! Having the most artfully purposeful stubble since George Michael has really paid off for RPattz—he’s been named People’s Sexiest Man Alive. That means he’s in good company, with hunks like Mark Harmon and the incredibly erotic Nick Nolte. Furthermore, prettyboy says he’ll show you his ding dong. Via our own personal Sexiest Gossip Alive, FemaleFirst, when Pattz was asked about nudity in film:
“I think it would depend on what it is. And I don’t think a lot of people would really want to see that. I think it would ruin the illusion!”
Yeah, we’ve already seen Pattinson nude in Little Ashes, and although we only see dick root, it looks like he could use an illusion. Maybe some trimming at the base. Or a complicated set-up of mirrors and a false-bottom box.
OMFG! IT’S PATSY AND KSTEW AND TAYLOR AND DAKOTA FANNING AND OTHER PEOPLE! NEW MOON RED CARPET PREMIERE! SO GLAMOROUS! SO SEXY! SO TOTES THE SHIZNIT!
We have a penchant for voluntarily bringing pain upon ourselves, sure. For example, sometimes when we’re bored we do a Google image search for Jocelyn Wildenstein and spend as many long, torturous minutes as we can handle staring into picture after picture of the physical embodiment of man’s capacity for evil. But watching Jennifer’s Body? That’s a sort of self-hate that we could never endure. So we have no idea what the fuck Megan Fox is talking about in this quote:
I hate doing school scenes and office scenes; I hate doing mall scenes … if I could do exciting genre films like (“Jennifer’s Body”) and be covered in blood and vomit for the rest of my life, I would be really happy. The scenes in which I was covered in blood and break through glass were amazing. In one scene, I’m shoving a whole chicken in my mouth — a whole chicken! I love it; it is so different and original.
We don’t really care if Megan is covered in blood and vomit or edible body glitter or kitten diarrhea. But we would greatly appreciate it if she took that chicken (or a similar one, if the original is not available) and stuffed it in her mouth right before every interview. It would be so different and original!
That picture up there has Megan Fox’s teeth. Our Facebook page has Megan Fox’s tongue. Lots of it.
Awhile back there was this little show called the Emmys. People got awards for doing stuff like managing not to completely trod all over the grave of the best documentary ever. And it was really boring. So we focused on Blake Lively’s boobs. And we scratched our head. We looked and stared and contemplated and ogled and dragged out our monocle and still couldn’t decide if those things were real. But we’ve finally come to a decision thanks to these pics from a screening of her movie The Private Lives of Pippa Lee. Our verdict? Fake fake fake. Of course, we can’t be sure, since we’ve never seen Blake Lively nude, but c’mon! Look at those things! We can almost hear the “boioioioioiong” and squeak from accidentally running into them. Boobs just don’t do that. Well, in the semi-hardcore graphic novel we’ve been working on they do, but that’s a whole different universe where boobs can do any number of miraculous tasks, like give you a top-notch shoe shine.
It’s been kind of nice having Paris Hilton out of the gossip papers lately. Quiet. Calm. Less itchy and weepy around the gentials. But we’ve sort of missed her and her particular brand of dipshittiness, so we’re opening up our arms and thighs and happily accepting her back into our lives. TMZ reports:
a match made in heaven! perfect, he’s religious!”
