filed under: P. Diddy

You know what's not cool? Super rich people complaining about how much things cost. "Can you believe the price of Louis Vuitton luggage these days? It's ridiculous. And don't even get me started on how much I have to pay my personal toilet flusher. It's almost enough for me to start cutting back and flushing the toilet myself. Haha. No, not really, I'd never do that. That's the task of people who work." And the king of this sort of jagbaggery is Diddy-iddy-doodle-oodle-daddy. He bitched that the cost of gas was too high to fuel his jet in a private YouTube video while taking a normal plane like everybody else. The UK's Telegraph reports (via Celebitchy):

He said: “Gas prices are too ****** ******* high. As you know, I do own my own jet and I have been having flying back and forth to LA pursuing my acting career.

“Now, if I’m flying back and forth, like, twice in a month that’s like $200,000 or $250,000 round trip. **** that. I’m back on American Airlines right now, OK.

Laughing into the camera, he said: “Check this out, your boy Diddy right now is on American Airlines. Look.

“I want to give a shout out to all my Saudi Arabian brothers and sisters and all my brothers and sisters from all the countries that have oil, if you could all please send me some oil for my jet I would truly appreciate it.

“But right now, can you believe it, I am actually flying commercial. That’s how high gas prices are ok, so I feel you. Look, I’m at the gate right now.

“This is proof that gas prices are too high, we need to do something about it, so tell whoever the next president is that we need to bring gas back down.”

As he boards his flight Combs tells the people around him that he is trying to prove he has been forced to “fly commercial”, stating what an unbelievable situation it was before holding up his plane ticket for the camera.

What's even worse, we've heard that the difficult economic climate has forced puff-puff-givey-Diddy to cut way back on bottles of Cristal reserved just for pouring on the floor. Man, that's rough.

UPDATE: Sweet, here's the video. And might we stress: "pursuing my acting career." Yeeeeeeeah.

Puff Poopy Diddly Iddly Doo-dad Diddy thinks he's really awesome at sex. So awesome that he could win a gold medal if it were an Olympic sport. Sure. You willing to back that up with a sex tape, buddy? Cause we're sure that would sell millions. When New York magazine (a.k.a. the place that finally brought out Lindsay Lohan's watermelons) asked the puffed one what new Olympic sport we would excel in, he replied:

Who could have sex the longest. I think that's an event I can do well in. And probably who could stay up the longest. Just so you know, that's supposed to be funny. Even though I am serious.

So what you're saying there Didman is that you're proud of the fact that it takes you hours to finally squirt? And the women in your life, are they happy with this situation? Or is it your practice to leave a copy of War and Peace on the bedside table to keep them occupied while you're slowly, slowly climbing that mountain toward ejaculation?

• Lindsay Lohan has pulled a Heigl and withdrawn her name from the Emmy race. To which the Emmy panel said, "OK. Sounds good. Who's Lindsay Lohan?" (Celebitchy)

• Mickey Rourke takes his new face out to ogle some gay stripper's grape-smugglers. (Yeeeah!)

• Keanu Reeves is seeing China Chow. You're also seeing China Chow. Seeing her topless, that is. In related news, China Chow is not kibble for Chinese people that comes in a 15 lb bag. Who knew? (Taxi Driver)

• Jennifer Lopez and Unfrozen Caveman Husband take their spawn out for some fresh air. (Faded Youth)

• Forget danceoffs; Mel B is getting her revenge on Eddie Murphy with an album called Beverly Hills Cock. That sounds nice. (Daily Stab)

• The many toups of Jeremy Piven. (Cityrag)

• Nicole Richie gets her Mrs. Roper on. (Seriously OMG WTF?!)

• Gisele Bundchen speaks highly of beau Tom Brady; says he "doesn't have a bad bone in his body." That's right, because his bad bone is in YOUR body. Swish! (CelebWarship)

• Boil some water and get some clean sheets--Britney's on her way to Lousiana to be there for Jamie-Lynn's birthin'! Wait a minute, we're talking about Spearses. Boil some Diet Mountain Dew and get some dirty sheets! (The Hollywood Gossip)

• Puffy Dangle Doobie Diddle waxes his nutbag. It is imperative that we know this. (The Blemish)

• Kate Moss dons a tasteful, maternal see-through dress to take her daughter for a stroll. (Flisted)

• Anne Hathaway is all, "there once was a man from Nantucket." (WENN)

Puffy Ding Dong Doodle Diddy Dandy is good at making stuff. Like sweatshirts and embarrassing records and commercials with Martha Stewart. Oh, and infants! According to Rush & Malloy:

Sean Combs is stepping up to the plate and taking legal responsibility for his sixth child.

The rap mogul tells us exclusively that he's "committed to being a good father" to his 15-month-old daughter, Chance – even though the little girl was a factor in his break-up with longtime girlfriend, Kim Porter.

Over the past year, Combs' reps repeatedly denied to us that he'd fathered the child with Atlanta beauty Sarah Chapman. Combs now tells us he'd been holding off on acknowledging Chance as his blood until DNA tests had been completed.

"At first, I wasn't sure if this was my child," he said. "Now that it has become clear she is, I will take care of her for the rest of her life."

Now that little Chance has a stake in the Sean John fortune, she should switch out one letter of her name and call herself Change. Zing, and cha-ching.

• Courtney Love, in a bikini, weighing less than her 12-year-old daughter. That's what making out with Bruce Willis will do to a body. It happened to Lohan, now it's happening again.

• Uma Thurman's one-piece strains against the weight of her Nordic kahooblies.

• Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson's illicit extramarital blonde people love is not going so hot.

• Kate's mom Goldie Hawn distracts us from her daughter's love life by erecting her nipples as if they were geriatric antennae 'neath her top.

• Rose McGowan barred her Grindhouse costars from wearing red to its premiere so that she would be the only scarlet lady. And then she gazed into her mystical mirror to ask who was the fairest, and beat her adopted children with wire hangers.

• I'mmmmm a Puffy Doodle Daddy, Puffy do it all the daaaaaayyyyy!

• Catherine Zeta-Jones slowly realizing that her husband is eighty.

• Jael from America's Next Top Model has slurred her way into our hearts and out of her clothes (NSFW)!

• Paris Hilton swings open the doors to her Valtrex-tinged mantrap and waves Desperate Housewives bit player Josh Henderson past the velvet rope.

• Cruznett!

• Gyllenspoon!

Two days, two stories involving Puffy Wuffy Diddly Widdly Bear. We know, we don't feel good about it either, but what can you do? We're a sucker for both middle schoolers getting lap dances and businessmen getting punched in the face. more »

Reported Sienna schtupper Combypuff Diddly Daddy has really well-adjusted children. They do chores and read Dickens and say their prayers every night before going to bed and floss their teeth for a full two minutes three times a day. And if they're really, really good and finish all of their homework, they get to go out to clubs and get lap dances. Hey, when you're twelve all you want is to be like Daddy, right? And besides, this is nothing when you consider that Puffy already outfitted Jessie James and D'Lila Star's nursery with a stripper pole and a tip jar. more »

Sienna Miller and P Diddly Uffy Daddy Mack dating? Unlike most celeb genital mash-ups, we're actually for this union. Anything to keep them off the streets, where respectable, intelligent, fashion-sensible stars could succumb to their will. more »

• Diana Ross would like to give singing lessons to Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera. We can only imagine how that would go. "No, honey, more nasal! I said MORE nasal! That's too classically perfect and on-pitch, girl; could you maybe get a slightly whinier tone there?"

• James Brown died last week, and his wife, Rae Hynie, was immediately locked out of their home, as she's apparently not his "legal" wife. Funny story, but you know what's funnier? The name "Hynie". What's funnier than that? "Hynie-Brown".

• Kim Kardashian might have a sex tape. With Brandy's brother. Who calls himself "Ray-J Jawn". Talentless rich girl engaged in coitus on video with no-name dude attached to penis? Sounds like a recipe for superstardom!

• You will look at these pictures of Jessica Biel forming the camel toe in a bikini, and you will want to have sexual intercourse with her, but she would pick you up and smash you against her forehead and toss you, crumpled flat, in a pile.

• Paris Hilton calls Britney "Animal". Not because of her penchant for partying, but because of her red fur, proficiency at drumming, and tendency to shout "WO-MAN!"

• Pamela Anderson dresses up as Santa for the holidays. If Santa were a woman with staggeringly overstuffed fake breasts and flashed, panty-clad crotch. Which, we hear, is how he's usually depicted in traditional Norwegian folklore.

• Adam Brody muses on Bilson, Barton; gets munchies.

• Kylie Minogue. She sure does like to fuck.

• Mr. Skin raps to the Sun-Times about Salma Hayek's cans and Ali Larter's thong.

• Goddammit, Tara, you told us that you fixed that crap!

• Eva Longoria says that fame is like a hurricane. And that she'd like to maybe experience it someday, God willing. Hee hee hee hee hee.

• Christina Aguilera bought a shit ton of baby junk for Puffy Diddo's newly-minted twin girls. Hopefully included amongst the gifts were a couple of new names.

Remember the days when Lindsay Lohan was just a little freckle-faced kid with a big rack who spent her days calling ham-armed Hilary Duff a hobag for, like, holding hands with Aaron Carter during Toy Story 2 or something? Boy how times have changed. Lindsay has moved on to fruitlessly picking fights with Diddy and Hilary has moved on to attempting to force tiny morsels of food past her floor-tile teeth for some much-needed nourishment. more »

• Arnold Schwarzenegger just can't seem to keep his hands off the dames, and now one of his extramarital playmates is claiming that she was paid off by the Enquirer. Listen, if you were married to Skeletor, wouldn't you be blindly grabbing any ripe flesh that happened to pass by?

• Kate Moss's mom has a loving nickname for her daughter's paramour Pete Doherty: Crackhead. Fitting since . . . well, since he just got arrested in Oslo for posession of heroin and crack.

• Winona! Where ya been, girlfriend? Oh, and where'd you get that cute belt? How much did it cos--oh.

• Paula Abdul to return to Idol and thanks her "fans around the world" for their support. Wait, she means these ones, right?

• Puffy Sean John Diddy P. Combs Daddy is now just "Diddy". He says the new name is "more rock n' roll" and we agree. Just saying "Diddy diddy diddy!" makes us feel like we're in Mott the Hoople!

• Marcia Cross is frigid.

• Britney sez: screw the homeless, screw poverty, and triple screw AIDS; I'm putting my cash towards more red string thingies for toddlers!

Do you really need proof that God hates P. Diddy just as much as the rest of the world does? Well, we've got it. The man we like to call Sean (because saying "Diddy" makes us feel like total jags) had to make an emergency landing in Palm Beach on Wednesday when his chartered jet was struck by lightning. The Puffy/God feud is so on! more »