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filed under: Owen Wilson

May 16, 2008

'Son and 'Son Split

kate hudson's arms are eight feet long.jpg Hollywood is a cruel mistress. She strings you along, making you believe that the world is full of sunshine and rainbows, giving us tales of unmatched joy on a weekly basis--this happy couple in engaged, these impossibly beautiful people are combining their fortunate genes to create a new, even more beautiful life. But it's all a ruse to lull us into complacency, thinking that the universe doles out happiness like free Chick-Fil-A samples at the mall. And then she strikes: Some famous person's dreams are shattered, hearts are broken, love is forever abandoned--at least until another impossibly pretty person crosses the heartbroken one's path. Such a cruel fate is upon us today, as Hollywood's blondest couple has stopped sharing a bottle of Sun-In. Reports People:
Despite a flurry of engagement rumors, Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson – Hollywood's most notorious on-again, off-again couple – have called it quits, less than two months after rekindling their romance in Miami.

The end of their erratic courtship (they began dating in September '06) comes amid erroneous reports that the pair were engaged, fueled by photos of Hudson wearing a Tiffany & Co. ring (it was a prop!) both on-and-off set of her film Bride Wars, which she's filming in Boston.

"It was a pretty bad breakup," says a Wilson pal. "Owen said it was a tough one. He definitely doesn't want to dwell on it. He wants to put it behind him."

Since the split, Hudson, 29, and Wilson, 39, have each been spotted letting loose. On May 9, Hudson and Bride Wars costar Steve Howey, 30, visited Boston's Liberty Hotel bar, Alibi. And on May 11, Wilson dropped by N.Y.C.'s Upstairs with two women.

"He was pretty chummy with the ladies ... he was certainly doing some sweet talking," according to an onlooker. "He looked happy to be there hanging with them." The late-night outing was followed by a visit to Butter the next night, where he chatted up a sexy blonde. Says a Hudson source: "She feels dumb thinking it was so serious."
Now Kate's tow-headed womb will remain fallow and all hope for the birth of the world's blondest baby is lost. more »
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March 13, 2008

Jennifer Aniston Desperate To Prove She's Over Brad Pitt Have Baby

jennifer aniston waves.jpg Us Weekly ruined Jennifer Aniston for us. Not that before she was dumped for the world's most desirable female we were all, "Jen Aniston is so COOL. She makes the best movies. We want to be just like her" or anything. But with all the headlines bemoaning "Jen's Pain," "Jen's Heartache," "Jennifer Aniston is SAD," "Jennifer Aniston One Good Cry Away from Stuffing Shiloh in Her Purse and Disappearing to Antarctica" and whatnot, we can't look at her as any sort of functioning human. To us she's a sad, pathetic sack who cries roughly eighteen hours a day and plasters her walls with magazine clippings of the perfectly happy Jolie-Pitt clan. Because that's what Us Weekly wants us to believe. But in reality she's trying to hunt down a man capable of baking her up a revenge baby. MSNBC reports:
One week the rumor mill has Jennifer Aniston paired with Aaron Eckhart, and then suddenly Brian Bouma’s her main man. The latest reports of hot and heavy times for Jen involve her “Marley & Me” co-star Owen Wilson. Conflicting reports? Not according to OK! magazine, whose sources claim Jen’s rolling through the hotties in search of daddy material.

That’s right. Jennifer’s allegedly on a quest to make her maternal dreams come true, and one insider says it’s down to Brian and Owen. “Both men have some of Jen’s favorite qualities: Brian has the height and looks, while Owen can make her laugh,” a pal of Jen’s shared with the magazine. “Either one would be a good choice for Jen.”

Then again, one of the guys may not be ripe for the papa picking. A friend from camp Owen told OK! the actor isn’t seeing anyone seriously, and “wants to keep his options open.”

As for Brian, “(He’s) really good guy,” another source said. “He’s a bit overwhelmed by all the attention since he’s been identified as Jen’s boyfriend.” But not scared off yet, as “(Brian and Jen) still talk on the phone with each other.”
We like this new Jennifer, a brazen hussy flitting around from man to man trying to suss out which one possesses the traits most desirable to pass on to a child. Sure, she's probably not going to trump Shiloh or the forthcoming Jolie-Pitt superbaby twins, but maybe if she can find a man who is facially gifted she can at least have Harlow Madden running scared. more »
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March 12, 2008

Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson: Doggy Style

Aniston_Owen_hookup.jpgThe tabloids will stop at nothing to paint Jennifer Aniston as a joyless old spinster who sits at home Bridget Jones style, crying into her Mallomars while watching DVDs containing three generations of women singing Motown while setting a table. In actuality, Jen has most likely thrown a leg over the rippling, well-groomed back of the Butterscotch Stallion himself before cantering bareback into the beachy sunset. Jennifer and Owen Wilson are hard at work filming Marley & Me, and a source on the set told Star:
“[Owen's] chemistry with Jen was instantaneous! The hugging didn’t end when the cameras stopped rolling. They were very flirty together, far more than you would expect. In between takes they were hanging onto each other. Jen is known for being a recluse on set, but she’s having so much fun with Owen. She’s just really happy.”
We can understand why costars usually end up hooking up. Long hours shooting sex scenes under hot kleig lights . . . real emotions blending into imagined ones as the script calls for costars to feign a Wuthering Heights kind of romance. However, Marley & Me's plot summary, via IMDb, is: "A family learns important life lessons from their adorable, but naughty and neurotic dog." Mother of Christ, that is some hot shit. We hear that on the set of Beethoven, you could cut the sexual tension between Bonnie Hunt and Charles Grodin with a knife. more »
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December 18, 2007

Kate Hudson Is Distant Cousin of Pinocchio

kate hudson vogue cover.jpg We've got three theories on this Kate Hudson Vogue cover. 1) The photo editor at Vogue really, really f'ing hates Kate Hudson. Maybe she recently discovered her boyfriend's hidden Kate Hudson shrine. Or maybe she belongs to a cult that believes that long-haired pre-adolescent boys will someday rise up to take over the planet and make lowly Vogue employees their slaves. (If her portfolio contains similarly disfigured examples of Celine Dion and Cindy Crawford [yes, the blonde one is a boy], this must be the case.) 2) Kate talks about her relationship with Owen Wilson for the first time since his suicide attempt in the issue, so Vogue staffers decided to commemorate the occasion by Photoshopping Owen's nose onto Kate's face. Or 3) Kate was late for the shoot, and, not wanting to miss their deadline, the Voguers used The Chicken Lady as a Kate stand-in.
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October 31, 2007

Ashley Olsen Mounts a Biker; Jessica Simpson Mounts a Stallion

jessica simpson makes pouty face.jpg Today we're going to play a little game. Take two seemingly single celebrities who have very little in common other than a love of shiny, shiny hair or blow or whatever and pretend that they're dating. We'll make up stories about where they went to dinner, which club they "canoodled" at, and there will be an anonymous tipster who saw them making out all night. Just call us Page Six. Couple number one will be Jennifer Aniston and Bobby Brown. They'll dine at Mr. Chow (Jen will pick up the check, obviously) then head over to Winston's to table dance with Britney Spears. Couple number two will be Joaquin Phoenix and Lauren Conrad. They'll dine at The Ivy and then just say fuck it and make out on a bus bench on Sunset. If we added super juicy quotes about how each couple was "so into each other" they "couldn't take their eyes off each other" and she was "sitting on his lap stroking his hair all night" would you believe it? What if we changed our logo to read New York Daily News and told you it wasn't actually these pairings who were seen on dates but rather Ashely Olsen and Lance Armstrong and Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson? Yeah, you probably still wouldn't believe us. more »
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October 16, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Digging for Nuggets

tarasfall.jpg• Inspiring photo montage of Tara Reid in various stages of intoxication: the Sweaty Man-O-War, the Crotch Weeper, the Sunny Days Trailer Park Special, the Buttafuoco. (Cityrag)

• Teri Hatcher is a butt-picker. A picker of butts. (Taxi Driver)

• New Kim Kardashian sex tape footage coming soon. In your pants. Get it? Get it? Get it? Huh? Do you get it? Did you get that joke? Huh? Get it? NADS! (The Hollywood Gossip)

• Pamela Anderson is not pregnant, after all. Yeah, who cares, we have J. Lo to worry about now, babe, don't bother us. (GlossLip)

• Hilary Duff is a serious actress. You can tell by her lacy half-leggings and erect nipples. (The Blemish)

• Megan Fox is 3000% more attractive without drag queen makeup. Now, if only she could wash off the David Silver with some Pond's, we'd be set. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Wow, Scarlett Johansson sure is ugly. Isn't she a dog? Just look at her. Yuck. Man. (Daily Stab)

• Yikes, someone get Pete Doherty back on the drugs, pronto. (CelebWarship)

• Slice your wrists, get the girl. Kate Hudson is willing to give Owen Wilson another shot. In love. What did you think we meant? Oh, in the arm? Hahahaha, that's kind of funny. Here, take the keyboard, friend. (Yeeeah!)
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August 28, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: An Elle of a Bod

Elle_Macpherson_Surf.jpg• If you're "board", Elle MacPherson in a bikini will make you whip up a batch of your own sex wax. Har de har. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Someone give Renee Zellweger a part in Bridget Jones 3, stat. (Yeeeah!)

• Paris Hilton rubs her nipple on a bear. (Egotastic!)

• Madonna: arms of an ultimate fighter, hands of an ancient oak tree. (Cityrag)

• Owen Wilson's funnyman exterior belies the coketacular pain within. (GlossLip)

• Diora Baird stars in the upcoming film Young People Fucking. How cryptic. What could that possibly be about? (The Blemish)

• Keira Knightley is all, "Being famous sucks. I'm ugly. Tits." (Daily Stab)

• Fergie's got it coming out of both ends now. (Dlisted)

• Not satisfied with ingesting nicotine the old-fashioned way, Keith Richards eats a cigarette onstage. Next up in is quest for a new buzz: ketamine eye wash and crack rock earplugs. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

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August 27, 2007

"Don't You Know I'm Loco?"

owen_wilson_hansel.jpgYesterday afternoon, the Butterscotch Stallion half-heartedly tossed his mane of champagne ringlets, gave a pained whinny, and attempted to canter off to that stable in the sky. TMZ reports:
Santa Monica Police issued the following statement to TMZ: "On Sunday Aug. 26. 2007 at 12:10 PM, officers from the Santa Monica Police Department responded to a medical assistance call from the Santa Monica Fire Department at the 900 block of 23rd Street. The person was transported to a local hospital where they are being treated."
And Star has this to say:
Actor Owen Wilson was hospitalized after attempting suicide. Sources tell the ENQUIRER and Star that he sliced his left wrists and took an indeterminate amount of pills. Police and an ambulance responded to a 911 call from Owen’s house around noon on Sunday. His wrist was sutured and bandaged at the hospital. The ENQUIRER and Star broke the story of Owen’s hospitalization earlier Sunday and revealed that he was being transferred from St. John’s after being stabilized. The publications learned that he was going to be detoxed.
Perhaps the shock of realizing that he had been replaced by a dillrod named DAX who was in Employee of the Month had finally set in. Or maybe he had been listening to Judas Priest's Stained Class backwards.

Ugh, trying to make a possible suicide attempt funny is making us feel like the biggest creeps in Creeptown. Sorry. Feel better soon, Owen Wilson, you handsome, charming weirdo.
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June 06, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Porking a Model is the Best Revenge

angelina_vein.jpg• Angelina and Brad are thinking about adding a Czech orphan to their multi-hued brood. NO. F U. MORE SHILOH. (Derek Hail)

• Brooke Hogan performs in frayed denim chaps. We haven't seen such creative scissors-meet-fabric self-styling since Billy's Squier's "Rock Me Tonite" video! (Drunken Stepfather)

• Nicole Richie pregnant. Yeah, rite. (Female First)

• Jennifer Aniston gets back at Brad for shacking up with Hollywood's most beautiful woman with the only possible revenge: dating a model. (Hollyscoop)

• Criss Angel dedicates a magic trick to new girlfriend Cameron Diaz. Uhhh, we think that sort of romance only works with musicians dedicating songs. Then again, who knows, maybe there are dentists out there saying, "This root canal goes out to my boo, Debbie. I love you, babygirl." (Celebitchy)

• Christina Aguilera and her husband. They sure do like costumes. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Elle MacPherson: She's still got it! And by "it" we mean "nipples". (Taxi Driver)

• Dawn Wiener's sweater puppies in Hostel 2. (Don't Link This)

• The Hoff got hassled by ex-wife and cops. (Yeeeah!)

• Katie Holmes threatens to bake up a fresh batch of Cruise juice into more spawn. (Glosslip)

• The Butterscotch Stallion to freely roam the plains again, whinnying and rearing and tossing his golden mane. (Lainey Gossip)
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March 29, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: She Wants to Be The Girl with the Least Cake

courtkini.jpg• Courtney Love, in a bikini, weighing less than her 12-year-old daughter. That's what making out with Bruce Willis will do to a body. It happened to Lohan, now it's happening again.

• Uma Thurman's one-piece strains against the weight of her Nordic kahooblies.

• Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson's illicit extramarital blonde people love is not going so hot.

• Kate's mom Goldie Hawn distracts us from her daughter's love life by erecting her nipples as if they were geriatric antennae 'neath her top.

• Rose McGowan barred her Grindhouse costars from wearing red to its premiere so that she would be the only scarlet lady. And then she gazed into her mystical mirror to ask who was the fairest, and beat her adopted children with wire hangers.

• I'mmmmm a Puffy Doodle Daddy, Puffy do it all the daaaaaayyyyy!

• Catherine Zeta-Jones slowly realizing that her husband is eighty.

• Jael from America's Next Top Model has slurred her way into our hearts and out of her clothes (NSFW)!

• Paris Hilton swings open the doors to her Valtrex-tinged mantrap and waves Desperate Housewives bit player Josh Henderson past the velvet rope.

• Cruznett!

• Gyllenspoon!

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March 05, 2007

Kate Hudson Owen Wilson Go Public with Going Pubic

kate-hudson-owen-wilson.jpgRemember how Kate Hudson was in that one movie with Owen Wilson and then she left her hairy hippy hubby and said it wasn't because she was getting Wilsonplowed and Owen also said no way but everybody knew that they totally were doing it and then she cut her kid's hair finally? Well guess the hell what? They are totally doing it and totally admitting it! The doubly towheaded pair have been enjoying a romantic vacation in Australia, where they've been photographed kissing and holding hands. A source told People magazine:
"They're in a relationship. They're in a happy place."
Of course they're in a happy place. It's called Australia, duh. How could anyone possibly be sad when they're surrounded by cuddly koala bears, tasty vegemite, and Jacko pimping batteries with his battle cry: "Oi!" We know these things because we've seen Crocodile Dundee. I and II, baby. more »
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January 04, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Federlohan

lohangluflsdlkfjj.jpg• Halle Berry might be preggo. For no other reason than to stick it to Julia Roberts.

• Justin Timberlake is just not that into Cameron Diaz. Sound the death gong.

• Adrianne Curry dons her new plastic breasts on the red carpet.

• Owen Wilson will break up a lady's marriage, then refuse to commit to her. Don't you know he's loco?

• Oh, Kid Rock. You may be an "American Badass" but you cannot beat up Tommy Lee OR a family of four.

• And to think we were one chlamydia-riddled hookup away from Federlohan!

• Console yourselves with more pictures of more Lohan in yet another bikini.

• You might keep calling Rosie fat and lezboish, Donald Trump, but you know what? Your wife is naked. That's right. We said it. Naked. How you gonna get out of this one, Trump? Huh? Huh?

• Though Donald might allow soiled Miss USA Tara Connor to pose for Playboy. Somewhere, right now, Vanessa Williams is saying, "aw HELL no."

• Pam Anderson really classed it up for her Howard Stern appearance.

• Leo DiCraprio has jumped on the bandwagon and adopted an African child. Well, like, she won't be coming back to America to live in his palatial homes or eat food prepared by his personal chef or be educated in the finest schools. She'll stay in her homeland and every once in a while Leo will send her a check or call her on the phone. So basically she's not getting a dad, she's getting a deadbeat dad. Nice.
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September 13, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: You Look Much Better with Your Clothes On

• Yes, you've seen Kate Moss in her underwear before. But that's not going to stop you from looking again.

• David Hasselhoff says that he, like, totally could have done Princess Di if he wanted to, and that they flirted once. She said "You look much better with your clothes on," and then the Hoff replied, "Well Ma'am, so do you." That . . . doesn't . . . make any sense.

• For all you gymnast (we're quite dumb) figure skater-loving old dudes: Katarina Witt upskirt!

• When Britney and Christina kissed Madonna at the MTV awards lo, so many years ago, Christina suggested that she and Britney lock lips, but Brit declined, because she's incredibly classy and very discerning when it comes to whom she lays her mouth upon.

• A man resembling the leather daddy from The Village People is telling all about his affairs with Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas, Randy Travis, Andrea Boccelli, and Garth Brooks. Of the latter, he says, "When you're fucking a whale, it seems like an eternity." You're preaching to the choir, pal.

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are both presently vacationing in Maui. Which is purely a coincidence, we're sure.

• Welcome to Bizarroworld: Ashlee looks stylish, Jessica wears a harem-panted jumpsuit. 2 Legit!

• Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay assaults a throng of Lohan-stalking Pavarottis when he thinks they're interested in him. But he did not do said assaulting in or with a wacky hat, sadly.

• Nicole Richie cries that the media reports saying she's anorexic are stressing her out so bad that she's becoming anorexic!
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August 18, 2006

Threesomes Come Along a Dime by the Dozen, Kate Thinks That Ain't Nothin' But Ten Cent Lovin'

As we mentioned before, Kate Hudson's marriage is not only over, she's reportedly saddled up, slipped her dainty feet into the well-worn stirrups, and trotted off on the sinewy back of The Butterscotch Stallion. But the impetus for doing so might not be a simple "irreconcilable differences"--Kate reportedly has grown weary of playing the part of the meat in a Chris Robinson-giggling groupie sandwich. more »
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August 16, 2006

The Marriage Crasher

Yesterday we were indescribably bored by the break-up of Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson because there were no details. Today we learn that Kate might be getting some sweet, sweet salad tossing from a Stallion of the Butterscotch variety. Way to go, Kate. You caught our interest with nary a slipped nip in sight. more »
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May 22, 2006

Owen Wilson Saved by Pair of Used Flip-Flops

When we hear a story about a barefoot Owen Wilson trying to outrun a security guard in a grocery store, we see images of Benny Hill dressed as a bobby wagging his nightstick as Owen takes a wily turn down the vitamin aisle. Owen, of course, is bedecked in a pink polka-dot bikini. But that's not that unusual, actually. more »
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July 14, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: "Hello, Dakota? This is L. Ron Hubbard."

• Brad Pitt has been diagnosed with viral meningitis. Whatever. We still think cuz got the dysentery.

• The Butterscotch Stallion develops a taste for chocolate.

• Hey, Scarlett. Why don't you take a fricking picture, it'll last longer.

• We have trouble believing that even the most desperate kiddiefucker in a roving gang of Hollywood pedophiles would be hard up enough to want to molest Corey Feldman.

• Meee-yow! Anna Nicole, you delicious bitch!

• Tom Cruise gives his 11-year-old costar Dakota Fanning a cell phone. Now he can beam Scientology propaganda directly into her easily-molded young brain, and she can call her coke dealer without being hassled by the 'rents. Everybody wins!

• You Know It's a Slow Gossip Day When: Angela Lansbury's knee surgery makes top headlines. Godspeed, Mrs. Potts!
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