CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.
The Hollywood poop.
filed under: Orlando Bloom
July 17, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Lisa, Kelly, or Jessie?
Mr. Skin takes to the streets of Chicago to find out which Saved by the Bell babe is the most wanted in the Windy City. (Mr. Skin) Samantha Ronson blows a load all over Lindsay Lohan. Load, kiss, same thing. (Drunken Stepfather)
If Tom Cruise had a comic book. (Holy Taco)
Model Miranda Kerr dumps Orlando Bloom for Brandon "Firecrotch!" Davis. Trading a eunuch elf for Fat Elvis? That's kind of a lateral move. (Yeeeah!)
Sarah Jessica Parker gets her chin goober removed; now will only be mistaken for Lemmy Kilmeister 50% of the time. (Cityrag)
Don't tase me, (Josh) bro(lin)! (The Blemish)
Katy Perry wants to kiss a girl. A girl named Miley Cyrus. And we liked it. (Hollywire)
Kristin Chenoweth is charming, funny, and has colossal gazongas. (Fatback)
Vanessa Hudgens straddles Zac Efron on the beach. She's thinking sex, he's thinking "stop smudging my bronzer." (F-listed)
Reggie Bush desires less tush from girlfriend Kim Kardashian. He also hates America, freedom, petting puppies, and ice cream. (Celebitchy)
Bret Michaels and Ambre Lake have ended their "relationship". Now Bret can spend more time with his hair and the finest European extensions money can buy. (Celeb Warship)
Emmy nominations released; Katherine Heigl's wish comes true when she gets zilch. (Bitten and Bound)
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June 24, 2008
Miranda Kerr Topless. Orlando Bloom Bottomless.
We at CelebNewsWire have made no bones (that's a clever play on words, just wait and see) about the fact that we don't believe Orlando Bloom has genitals. Like a wood sprite or that gnome that scared the Argentinians, he has no need for carnal pleasures when he can make merry in a meadow or drink morning dew out of a lily of the valley. Today we come one step closer to realizing our hypothesis, as Orlando and his girlfriend, Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr, are snapped sunbathing half naked on a balcony. Our suspicions about his groin area still aren't confirmed, but the oddly smooth, plasticine buttocks certainly help. Though the absence of pan pipes and curled-toe shoes is troubling. After the cut, see Orlando's ass . . . oh, and Miranda Kerr's boobs. If you're into topless lingerie models or something.
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February 28, 2008
Orlando's A-Bloom with Stink
We are but one blog, and there are things we can never know. For example, we can easily find out how much Jennifer Aniston is spending on her third home in New York City, but we will never know the artful caress of Zac Efron's shimmering bronze paw or the feel of Clay Aiken's urgent, damp whisper close to our trembling ear. However, thanks to the internet, we now know exactly what Orlando Bloom smells like: scrotum rot. He is currently dating Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr, and, according to a source who tells Star:
"Miranda thinks Orlando is too smelly. Recently, she asked him if he could wash his clothes and perhaps shower more often. He'll wear the same jeans for a week before he throws them in the washer. Same goes for his sweaters, T-shirts and socks."We find it hard to believe that he smells like nut sweat and B.O., seeing how Orlando Bloom is a manchild eunuch faerie who most likely spends his offscreen time playing the pan pipes and making merry in a glen. At worse, he might carry a vague odor of milkweed pods on his fingers, or a lingering whiff of semi-spoiled mead and figs after a particularly decadent Bacchanalia.
November 09, 2007
Orlando Bloom Takes a Stroll Down Penny Lane
And now for this week's installment of two random pretty people possibly porking, via The San Francisco Chronicle: Hollywood stars Kate Hudson and Orlando Bloom have sparked rumors of a new romance after they were caught kissing at a Halloween party.Can someone please explain to us how it is that Orlando Bloom keeps on landing super hot blondes? For all intents and purposes, he's a woman. A woman with a terrible mustache. Is the biggest secret in Hollywood that most hot actresses have a passion for Lord of the Rings? Can they just not control their desires when faced with Legolas in the flesh? If Sean Astin weren't married would he be dating Scarlett Johansson?
The pair got together at a bash Hudson threw at her home in Pacific Palisades, Calif., on October 27, and the actress didn't care who saw them -- including her recent ex, actor Dax Shepherd.
An insider tells OK! magazine, "Kate and Orlando were talking, drinking and laughing. Then they just started going at it. They made out for ages and looked like they were really enjoying themselves. They didn't care who was watching.
"After that first make-out session, they walked around and talked to everyone as a couple. They were inseparable for the rest of the night."
Another onlooker adds, "At one point, Kate and Orlando were kissing in front of Dax. But he didn't seem to care at all."
Hudson's divorce from The Black Crowes frontman Chris Robinson was finalized just two days before her kissing marathon with Bloom, on October 25.
Other guests at the party included another rumored hot new Hollywood couple, Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon.
October 12, 2007
"Orrrrrly! Get Out of the Cahhhhhh!"
Fender benders and car-bound semi-fisticuffs aren't just confined to Britney, Paris, and other Hollywood ladies, they can also strike such masculine hunkasauri as Orlando Bloom. The curiously smooth Brit (not this one) got into a little crash outside of an L.A. nightspot last night, but what was really entertaining is the fight that went down minutes before, which was conveniently caught with grace and ease by the paparazzi. We don't know why the other guy in the car looks so distressed. It's Orlando Bloom. All he has to do is give him a gentle, limpwristed slap on the shoulder and he'll fall down in agony. Or say "Boo! I am a bad scary monster! I'm gonna gitchoo! I'm gonna gitchoo!" while tickling him. Or take away his Kerastase Bain Satin Extra-Moisturizing conditioner and watch him wither away, clutching his bronze curls and moaning.
October 02, 2007
Jenlando? Bloomiston? Blooming Boring?
Sure, you might think Angelina Jolie is hotter than a freshly toasted Pop Tart, but when was the last time you saw her in a bikini? A long g.d. time ago, right? And there Jennifer Aniston is, listening to everyone moan about how sad and desperate she is, flaunting her shit all over the place and looking hot. So we ask you, who is the better woman? Who brings more joy to the world? The baby saver or the bikini flaunter? We think the answer is clear. Incidentally the picture below is supposed to depict Jen with elfin Orlando Bloom. 
We can't see his mustache or his vagina, so we can't be sure it's him, but he is completely averting his eyes for the scantily clad form of Aniston, so it probably is. Plus, Jen's rep says they were both in Mexico but denies they were getting into each other's swimsuits:
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They were both in Mexico along with many others to attend a wedding of a friend who works at the management company where ... [they] are represented.We don't really believe this denial, though, as Orlando seems to be a perfect match for Jen. She sees how well Brad is behaving after Angie crushed his shriveled little balls in her she-woman grip, but Jen doesn't really have that kind of strength and needs to start with an already emasculated partner.
March 12, 2007
Keira Knightley Is a Yo Ho Ho . . . in Cartoon Form
The fatcats over at Disney are reportedly hopping mad and aiming to sue over a soon-to-be released comic showing Keira Knightley getting the spit-roast treatment by Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp, trussed up in their Pirates of the Caribbean finery. Please, God, don't let Disney find our Xanga page of erotic Aladdin fan fic.
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January 09, 2007
This Week in Celebrity Schlongs
How has your penis been occupied in recent days? Have you been hard at work trying to calculate the exact amount of floppage when you run across your living room naked? Or perhaps you've been tiring it out with the Real Doll you bought yourself for Christmas. In an effort to make your crumpet trumpet feel a bit less lonely, we will now check in on the celebrity wiener antics of Josh Hartnett and Orlando Bloom. more »
January 05, 2007
Tom Takes Away Katie's Right to Party
Poor Katie Holmes. All she ever gets to do is take intensive twelve-hour auditing sessions fueled by nothing but the Victoria Beckham diet, watch OT Level VIII nannies read Dianetics to her child, and once in a while leave the Cruise compound for an afternoon of photo ops, lattes, and shoe shopping. She never gets to go to Hyde with all the other starlets. When is Katie ever gonna get the chance to bear her beav in public? Huh, Tommy, when? Do you want her to be some sort of prudey Hollywood freak, is that what you want? more »
November 21, 2006
More Crazy/Than Beautiful
We recently insinutated that Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom might be doing the cucumber rhumba, and now, all signs are pointing to yes as they've gone rather public with their affection as of late. Ordunsto is as curious a coupled specimen as they come. He is fully waxed, razored, peculiarly devoid of visible pores, longhaired, and enjoys the feel of tailored trousers against his eunuch pubis mound. She is slouchy, grubby, usually coated in a thin sheen of oil with a hearty dose of filth under her nails, braless, and smells vaguely of Tanqueray. We're not exactly sure how their lovemaking works, though we'd assume it involves lots of prop jeweled rapiers and, possibly, vampiric bloodsucking. more »
November 15, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "I Am In the Process of Putting on Weight, and That Should Be Enough"
Oprah was not invited to Tom and K-Hole's wedding, but she is trying to figure out what to send them as a gift. Duh! A couch.
Bigger news than Santa arriving at the lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree: Victoria's Secret supermodels getting on their boob-shaped spacecraft and arriving on Earth after their long journey from Planet Jiggle.
Madonna wants to buy another baby as soon as possible. Perhaps it will be a Christmas gift for the other one.
Sure, Vida Guerra has a gargantuan tail. But did you know that she has boobs, too?
Nicole Richie has responded to PageSix's insinuation that SOMEONE had reverse gastric bypass in her MySpace blog. The lady doth protest too much.
Is Kirsten Dunst sinking her vampiric meth mouth baby teeth into rodentlike eunuch Orlando Bloom? And will their hypothetical babies be weaselly nutless bloodsuckers?
Paris Hilton's ass looks less flapjacky from the back. But don't they all, really? When it comes right down to it, aren't they all less flapjacky from the back? Deep.
Jenny Love Hewitt might be all chaste and crap, but she will still wear a small strip of fabric nestled lovingly betwixt her buttocks.
Lesbian Week continues: Joan Jett and Carmen Electra love rock n' roll. Joan mighta put another dime in Carmen's juicebox, baby.
No, as a matter of fact, we haven't actually seen Ron Jeremy and Super Mario in the same room together. Luigi, though, sure.
Bigger news than Santa arriving at the lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree: Victoria's Secret supermodels getting on their boob-shaped spacecraft and arriving on Earth after their long journey from Planet Jiggle.
Madonna wants to buy another baby as soon as possible. Perhaps it will be a Christmas gift for the other one.
Sure, Vida Guerra has a gargantuan tail. But did you know that she has boobs, too?
Nicole Richie has responded to PageSix's insinuation that SOMEONE had reverse gastric bypass in her MySpace blog. The lady doth protest too much.
Is Kirsten Dunst sinking her vampiric meth mouth baby teeth into rodentlike eunuch Orlando Bloom? And will their hypothetical babies be weaselly nutless bloodsuckers?
Paris Hilton's ass looks less flapjacky from the back. But don't they all, really? When it comes right down to it, aren't they all less flapjacky from the back? Deep.
Jenny Love Hewitt might be all chaste and crap, but she will still wear a small strip of fabric nestled lovingly betwixt her buttocks.
Lesbian Week continues: Joan Jett and Carmen Electra love rock n' roll. Joan mighta put another dime in Carmen's juicebox, baby.
No, as a matter of fact, we haven't actually seen Ron Jeremy and Super Mario in the same room together. Luigi, though, sure.
September 28, 2006
The Beardiest Beard that Ever Did Beard Beards Anew
We knew those rumors we heard of Orlando Bloom romancing Uma Thurman couldn't have any vestige of truth. After all, she has no known bearding experience. Penelope Cruz, on the other hand, has a bearding rιsumι that's long and storied. Plus, after Tom Cruise, Orlando looks positively manly.
Of course there is one other explanation for Orlando popping up in a picture of Penelope leaving Hyde: He's participating in the hottest celebrity game since Ben Affleck played "Where can I plop my nutsack?" It's celebrity Where's Waldo, in which high profile celebs try to outwit the paparazzi by donning kicky chapeaux and striped shirts and try to sneak into snaps of other high-profile celebs undetected. more »
September 25, 2006
Orlando Bloom: "Ew, I Have to Kiss That?"
Orlando Bloom finds kissing girls awkward. Wait, he was only talking about kissing his co-stars during movie shoots. Really, Orlando? Are you sure about that? Are you sure you don't want to just go ahead and expand that statement to the entire vagina'd population? 'Cause we wouldn't be surprised if you said kissing all girls was icky. more »
September 06, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Ain't No Hollaback Doll
"Eva Longoria Loves Facials". Yep, that sounds about right.
My Gwen Stefani doll can beat up your Peaches N' Cream Barbie.
Still no word on whether or not Lohan is engaged to Harry "Pink Taco" Morton, but she's sporting an '80s-style pear-cut diamond that Alexis Carrington herself would find distasteful.
Kelly Clarkson was embarrassed to learn that she owned the same pink convertible as a porn star. The fact that she actually owns a pink convertible is much more embarrassing, however.
Brittany Murphy exits club, gets propositioned for some tuna taco tangoing, signs autographs, lets us look down her shirt. Now that's multitasking.
Eva Mendes's bare ass in Flaunt magazine. You heard us. That's right. Believe it. Flaunt magazine! Seriously!
Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom broke up. Again. If a walking Chupa Chups lollipop and a crustachioed eunuch can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?
An idea we wish we'd thought of: Gossip Blog Wars.
Kate Moss + underwear = server crash. Way to get your kit off, bird! Pip pip! Tut tut! Tally ho! Cheerio!
My Gwen Stefani doll can beat up your Peaches N' Cream Barbie.
Still no word on whether or not Lohan is engaged to Harry "Pink Taco" Morton, but she's sporting an '80s-style pear-cut diamond that Alexis Carrington herself would find distasteful.
Kelly Clarkson was embarrassed to learn that she owned the same pink convertible as a porn star. The fact that she actually owns a pink convertible is much more embarrassing, however.
Brittany Murphy exits club, gets propositioned for some tuna taco tangoing, signs autographs, lets us look down her shirt. Now that's multitasking.
Eva Mendes's bare ass in Flaunt magazine. You heard us. That's right. Believe it. Flaunt magazine! Seriously!
Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom broke up. Again. If a walking Chupa Chups lollipop and a crustachioed eunuch can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?
An idea we wish we'd thought of: Gossip Blog Wars.
Kate Moss + underwear = server crash. Way to get your kit off, bird! Pip pip! Tut tut! Tally ho! Cheerio!
April 20, 2006
Legolas and the Invisible Scooter
We're used to talking about Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth. We make jokes about his eunuchosity and her absolute lack of body fat. They break up for a week so he can go on a starlet-humping spree and she can consume her yearly intake of four lima beans, a head of iceberg lettuce, and one asparagus spear (her movements are slow due to lack of nutritive energy, so Orlando can usually fit in a Kirsten, a Sienna, and a few elfin LotR extras in the time it takes her to masticate). But today we're in totally foreign territory. Orlando almost killed a man. And not even a famous one. How exactly does one find humor in such a situation? Well, lucky for us Orlando's ego has reached Scientological proportions and he thinks that his autograph is payment enough for nearly causing a man's violent and bloody death. more »
December 14, 2005
This Week in Celebrity Jagbaggery
Second-rate filmmakers are usually good at getting attention for their films without resorting to things like talented actors, good writing, or spectacular special effects. The best way to do this is with nudity, hopefully of the rampant and full-frontal variety. But when your flick stars famously prudish Jessica Alba, you have to look to other avenues. Such as coaching your actors to be total douchbags in public. It might have backfired for Cinderella Man, but it's sure to garner Awake a few viewers. more »
CNW Junk Drawer: Desperate Housewhite
Despite wasting away from Exhaustion, Colin Farrell somehow musters up the strength to swing one feeble, Irish fist and "fight off" the rumors that he OD'ed.
Orlando Bloom is tactless. And Gwyneth Paltrow is heavy with baby, for real though.
Die Hiltons!
Die Hiltons stuff Santa's stocking with hard nipples and thongs, that is.
And Heather Locklear says, "Hard nips? I'll show you hard nips, bitches. I was busting out the party hats before you were out of Luvs."
Rod Stewart swears that his marriage to Penny Lancaster will last the rest of his life. The old guy's got about 6 good years left in him, so we'd say that's doable.
Eva Longoria is a jolly clown.
When the rich are launched into space, and aliens finally meet delegates of Earth, the first face upon which they will lay their cold, shiny black eyes will be that of . . . Victoria Principal?
Orlando Bloom is tactless. And Gwyneth Paltrow is heavy with baby, for real though.
Die Hiltons!
Die Hiltons stuff Santa's stocking with hard nipples and thongs, that is.
And Heather Locklear says, "Hard nips? I'll show you hard nips, bitches. I was busting out the party hats before you were out of Luvs."
Rod Stewart swears that his marriage to Penny Lancaster will last the rest of his life. The old guy's got about 6 good years left in him, so we'd say that's doable.
Eva Longoria is a jolly clown.
When the rich are launched into space, and aliens finally meet delegates of Earth, the first face upon which they will lay their cold, shiny black eyes will be that of . . . Victoria Principal?
October 18, 2005
Kirsten Drunkst
We love a good drunk celebrity. They bring joy into our life and reassure us that we are not the only one ending every Friday night in a pool of our own vomit on the bathroom floor. But frankly were a little tired of always talking about Tara Reid. The poor girl has been through enough. So thank you, Kirsten Dunst, for stepping up to the booze-soaked plate and saving Tara Reid from our continued torment. more »
October 06, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: "No, Srsly, Sharn. Jus Drink Da Dis'ronno."
We're scared, and expecting Renιe Zellweger to show up at our offices with a sack of nickels and a sawed-off shotgun any day now.
In the real world, when a guy plies a girl with booze and coerces her to strip, it's called date rape. In Hollywood, when it happens to Sly Stallone and Sharon Stone, it's called movie magic!
BarryMORE, braLESS.
Paparazzi didn't cause Lindsay Lohan's Benz bust-up, illegal U-turns did. GodDAMN, girl's got some good spin doctors.
Hey, don't look at us! We've been abiding by the strict "at least 500 yards away at all times" clause in that restraining order Freddie Prinze Jr. took out on us. Right, Freddie? Right? Heh heh. Heh . . . heh. Heh?
Man. For a pointy-faced prepubescent weinerless elf, Orlando Bloom sure gets around town with the pretty ladies.
Thank GOD a dangerous criminal mastermind like Kate Moss will soon be behind bars! London, your streets are now safe again.
In the real world, when a guy plies a girl with booze and coerces her to strip, it's called date rape. In Hollywood, when it happens to Sly Stallone and Sharon Stone, it's called movie magic!
BarryMORE, braLESS.
Paparazzi didn't cause Lindsay Lohan's Benz bust-up, illegal U-turns did. GodDAMN, girl's got some good spin doctors.
Hey, don't look at us! We've been abiding by the strict "at least 500 yards away at all times" clause in that restraining order Freddie Prinze Jr. took out on us. Right, Freddie? Right? Heh heh. Heh . . . heh. Heh?
Man. For a pointy-faced prepubescent weinerless elf, Orlando Bloom sure gets around town with the pretty ladies.
Thank GOD a dangerous criminal mastermind like Kate Moss will soon be behind bars! London, your streets are now safe again.
July 29, 2005
Kate and Orlando and Jude and Sienna and Ted and Alice
OK, so in case you aren't able to follow what's going on with this whole foursome of mega wicked pretty Brit celebs, we're going to break it down for you all nice and easy-like. Because we care. more »
July 27, 2005
Sienna Sees Your Nanny and Raises You a Pair of Exes
After learning that her fiancι had been giving the nanny a special bonus with her paycheck, Sienna Miller is reportedly "devastated". But not too devastated to enjoy some face time with her exes! And by "face time" we mean "necking". And by "necking" we mean "making out". And by "making out" we mean . . . making out. more »
May 06, 2005
Lean, Mean Eva Green, She Likes to Get Naked on the Movie Screen
Eva Green. OK. Not only does she posess the two most perfect natural globules of teat meat in all of Europe, she likes to get naked on screen. She likes it so dang much that she's willing to sass legendary director Ridley Scott for cutting out her schtup scenes. Whatta wo-man! more »
April 28, 2005
Dine N' Dash With Orlando Bloom
Back in January, Orlando Bloom treated his former ladyfriend Kate Bosworth to a $760 meal . . . and still hasn't paid for it. We find this story hard to believe--there is no way Kate Bosworth could rack up such a staggering restaurant bill. She only ingests iceberg lettuce in a water sauce. more »
April 11, 2005
Love Sabbatical For Bloom and Bosworth
On-again, off-again flames Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth are off again. For now. They've decided to take a year off from their relationship so they can give each other "time to grow". I hope Kate means that in the literal sense. Because she's real scrawny, right? Ha ha ha. "Grow". Get it? . . . Get it? Oh sweet Jesus, we're all so hung over. Someone please just come over here with a gun and put a bullet of mercy in each of our heads. more »
March 17, 2005
"Eat Your Peas! Don't You Know There Are Starving Bosworths in Hollywood?"
Yeah, so Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom are back together again. We would have gotten this information to you sooner, but forgive us if we were unable to muster anything remotely resembling enthusiasm towards an elfin eunuch and a B-list bobblehead joining giblets again. However, after viewing the following picture, we decided that we do care, after all. In fact, we're making it our personal mission to Feed Kate Bosworth. We've assembled a supergroup of some of our finest musicians (Kix! Ugly Kid Joe! And Frank Stallone!) to put out a beautiful song called "The Wind Whispers 'Kate' (Across Her Clavicles)". All proceeds go towards buying Kate a big fat gift certificate to Taco Bell! more »
February 03, 2005
. . . Aaaaand Orlando Bloom Seeks Solace in Men.
We're not sure why today's gossip is so dang homoerotic, but hey, we're going with it. Bobbleheaded beauty Kate Bosworth is speaking out about her split with actor Orlando Bloom, and blaming it on the fact that he likes to spend time with men. Lots of men. All the time. more »