filed under: Noel Gallagher

Remember last Christmas when you were at your sister's house and you were helping her give your little nephew a bath and you held up the naked little bugger to entertain him while your sister went to fetch a washcloth and just as you opened your mouth to say something as intellectually engaging as "coochy coochy coo" the bastard pissed all over your face? And remember how mad you got and how you held the kid down in the water, trying to drown him and his offending little pecker until your sister came back in and started screaming at you, telling you to get out and never call her again and how you were dead to her? Yeah, well Noel Gallagher should have had an experience like that before deciding to reproduce. more »

• The unpleasant weave Tyra Banks sported on last season's Top Model has migrated to her lip. That's fierce!

• Joaquin Phoenix: method actor.

• When you litter, Patrick Swayze turns his weather-beaten, spiritual face to the skies and weeps a solitary tear.

• Paris Hilton gets her stoolbox hosed out.

• Oasis member Noel Gallagher calls Jack White "Zorro on doughnuts". And, well, uh, he's kinda got a point there.

• A stripper had drunken floor sex with David Arquette. Strippers have low standards.

• And Mariah Carey has an employee who helps her lift those pesky beverages to her parched lips. Don't snicker--the strawmaster probably makes more than you.