filed under: Nicole Narain

We know what you're thinking: "Another damn Britney Spears story? Hasn't she crawled into the deep freeze for a nice nap or hosted an impromptu garage party without turning off the car's engine yet? Anything? How is this girl still breathing?" We're not sure about that, but there is one thing that delights us about this story: The return of Colin Farrell porker Nicole Narain. We love resurrecting long-gone celebrity hangers-on. Next thing you know we'll be talking about Stamos Nachos and Harry Morton. more »

When you arrived home from work last night we bet you cracked open a can of Fancy Feast for Mr. Winkles, popped a Lean Cuisine entree into the microwave for yourself, and then got on the internet and went directly to DirtyColin.com with hopes of filling your long evening with nothing but Alexander cock. And when you got there you waited . . . and waited . . . and waited . . . and nothing happened. You never got a peek at Colin's Dirk Diggler dick. And then you cried. more »

• Colin Farrell gets restraining order against Nicole Narain--he's afraid that pesky sex tape will harm his "reputation and career". His reputation is that of a serial ass-tapper; his last movie was Alexander. Dude has nowhere to go but up.

• Joss Stone has a bum double in a Gap advert? Why, we're bloody gutted over the news! Pip, pip! Tut, tut! Tally ho!

• Scotty's remains are going to be beamed up FOR REAL.

• Journalists dish all: Tom Cruise is creepy, Catherine Zeta-Jones is as dumb as a turd, Andy Garcia is a big fat ugmo, and MORE!

• Angelina and new baby Zahara enjoy a day out; Maddox deemed "too old", forced to stay home in a closet, eating bread crusts.

• If you're friends with Gwen Stefani, you may just find your cute outfit being knocked off, churned out by Chinese orphans and mass-marketed.

• Tom and Katie "can't wait for a baby!" Problem is, they have no idea how you make one.

• Um, hi, celebrities? Yeah, hi, it's us. Listen, guys, could you be a little more exciting? I mean, we don't want to have to do the CNW Junk Drawer every single day because you give us nothing to write about. The Jude Law nannyfucking was a great start . . . maybe you could all be a little more like Jude? Like, just start grabbing asses, or make out with Erik Estrada at a party, or buy a gun and wave it around. Scream, shout, piss on a wall with abandon! Anything! Please! Love, Your Friends at CelebNewsWire.

For the moment, legendary Hollywood greasewad/cocksman Colin Farrell has cast aside his dreams of boffing an octogenarian to concentrate on more important things, like preventing his sex tape with Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain from seeing the light of day. 158% of heterosexual men would be awfully proud of such a tape, so one can only assume that Mr. Farrell posesses something that he doesn't want the public to see. Like a vestigial tail. Or a Wham! tattoo. Not that we know anything about Wham! tattoos or anything. God, we fucking miss Andrew Ridgeley. more »