filed under: Nicole Kidman
November 10, 2008
Nicole Kidman To Sport a Dick, Man
Nicole Kidman and
Charlize Theron married and having lesbian sex? Hot, right? It could happen in a new movie. But wait, there's a catch: Nic's gonna have a dick. At least part of the time.
Reuters reports:
Nicole Kidman as the world's first post-op transsexual, married to Charlize Theron? You betcha.
The Australian actress will star in and produce "The Danish Girl," based on the true story of Danish artists Einar and Greta Wegener. Their marriage took a sharp left turn after Einar (Kidman) stood in for a female model that Greta (Theron) was set to paint.
When their portraits become wildly popular in 1920s Copenhagen, Greta encouraged her husband to adopt the female guise. What began as a harmless game led Einer to a metamorphosis and landmark 1931 operation that shocked the world and threatened their love.
Anand Tucker ("Shopgirl") is attached to direct the feature, adapted by writer Lucinda Coxon ("Wild Target") from David Ebershoff's 2000 Viking bestseller. His debut novel of the same name is a fictionalized account of the Wegeners' true story.
Pre-production has begun on the indie film, but no details on a principal photography start date have been disclosed.
Both Kidman and Theron earned their best actress Oscars playing lesbian characters, in "The Hours" and "Monster," respectively. Additionally, Kidman is attached to play Dusty Springfield in a biopic about the bisexual English singer.
This is totally going to work. After all, to become a woman, a man must be pumped full of hormones that change the landscape of his face. And that's pretty much like Botox addiction, right? So she's got a frame of reference there. Plus, isn't being married to Tom Cruise for ten years kind of like being a transsexual anyway?
more »
November 05, 2008
Suri Cruise To Have Male Overlord Competition?
Tom Cruise better ready the chloroform and a really big burlap sack and have his Scientological flunkies track down Chris Klein for a sperm sample, because Tom's son Connor wants
Katie Holmes to give him a baby brother. Reports
OK!:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have made it no secret that they want more children in addition to daughter Suri — and no one is rooting for a new Cruise baby more than Tom’s ex, Nicole Kidman!
In the December issue of Glamour, the star of the upcoming Australia explains that Connor, her teenage son with Tom, is still hoping for a brother. “[He] would like one of us to have a boy,” she confesses. “He wants that boy. Katie?”
The idea that Nicole is throwing down a challenge to Katie, her successor in the role of Mrs. Tom Cruise, may seem odd to some. But since the actress married country superstar Keith Urban she and Tom have become increasingly civil, almost friendly — especially when it comes to their adopted children, Bella and Connor.
The two couples exchange Christmas gifts, and Katie personally selected $2,000 worth of baby goodies from Neiman Marcus in Beverly Hills to send to Nicole shortly before the July 7 birth of Sunday Rose, her daughter with Keith. As OK! exclusively reported at the time, Bella and Connor flew to Nashville to meet their new half sister just days later.
“At 41, Nicole knows she’s not likely to have another baby,” a friend of the actress tells OK!. “It’s obviously up to the much younger Katie to give Connor that baby brother.”
And the Cruises are more than ready to welcome a new child into their lives.
“Katie and Tom very much want another baby,” a friend of the couple tells OK!. “There may be no better time than now for Katie to get pregnant again and absolutely nothing would make Tom happier."
When Connor sat his adoptive mom and his stepmom down to present his request that one of their wombs be filled with a teeny little baby penis, Nicole screamed, "No, I can't! I can't take another nine months without Botox! I won't do it! You do it, Katie, it's your turn. Tom's paying you way more than he paid me anyway. It's your duty."
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October 31, 2008
Nicole Kidman Hates Mirrors . . . Almost As Much As She Hates Wrinkles

Wax white skin, an undead pallor, an aversion to smiling, and a hatred of mirrors--there is no discernible difference between
Nicole Kidman and a vampire. Spoooooooky! The woman who wed Cruise and
lived recently sat down with your grandma's favorite Sunday magazine, Parade, for a little chat and a cover shot. Our personal gossip Marilyn Vos Savant,
Female First, reports:
Nicole Kidman hates looking in the mirror.
The 41-year-old actress attempts to steer clear of reflective surfaces because she is not obsessed with her appearance.
She said: "I'm not enamoured with youth. There isn't wisdom in youth. My own sense of vanity is not that strong. I get ready in five minutes. I'm not a mirror person. But I like to look healthy - the youthfulness is in health. It's very important. Maybe that comes from my mom having breast cancer. I've seen people suffer. So my desire to stay agile - I want that!"
So deep runs her desire for agility that she pays a person thousands of dollars to hypodermically inject her face with botulin toxin, rendering all facial muscles as frozen as a turd on the tundra.
more »
October 30, 2008
Dear Diary, I Want a Baby and a Pony and a Dollhouse and a Tiara . . .

We always thought that the inner thoughts of stars were dedicated to the minutia of perfecting their appearance, paparazzi radar, and convincing themselves that they're not extremely hungry even though they've only eaten 42 calories in the past day and a half. But
Nicole Kidman is here to prove our presumptions wrong. She thinks about things like roadkill and how she wants an ittywittybitty baby in her tum-tum.
Celebitchy has an except from the personal diary of Nicole on the set of
Australia, printed in the latest issue of
Hello!:
On wanting to have a baby
Also today I am feeling a huge urge - was it the lunar eclipse? - to have a baby. I would love to have a baby in my tummy. Sigh. We’ll see, one day, what God has in store. I don’t know why I am feeling that right now but yeah, I would like to see that tummy grow. I think I was looking at Brandon and this little aboriginal baby, Angelica, on the set and feeling all that maternal pull. Big.
On missing her two children
Driving home there was a mother and a tiny little joey kangaroo just freshly killed on the road. There’s a lot of road kill, but seeing the joey - it just hit me. I’m feeling wistful. I’m missing my children… missing seeing their faces, kissing their heads.
On her husband, Keith, loving her unconditionally
Keith’s here, feet up, on the computer. He says hi. We had a conversation today, grappling with the state of yearning and existing in a place of happiness, but with desires to keep growing. He has a lovely phrase: ‘Learning to want what you have’.
If you're like us, you're wondering, "Why is Keith saying hi to a diary?" And then you're wondering if there are some key parts of the diary missing. Like after Nic wrote, "I would love to have a baby in my tummy" did she go on to say, "I would love it and pet it and brush it's soft hair and dress it up in pretty little outfits and kiss it all over and invite it to lots and lots of tea parties where we'd eat yummy yummy cake that my mommy made"?
more »
September 25, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Porthart, We Hardly Knew Ye

•
Natalie Portman and Devendra Banhart break up. Perhaps she woke up and realized, "I'm Natalie Portman. He's a hirsute twee gypsy who sings like a lamb with a barbed dildo up its butthole." (
Celebrity Wonder)
• Right now,
Brad and
Angelina's adopted kids are looking around their filthy French chateau and thinking, "Screw this, man, there were fewer flies back in Ethiopia, man." (
CelebWarship)
• Kirk Cameron will NOT kiss any woman other than his wife onscreen; WILL star in a sitcom in which his best friend is called "Boner". (
Holy Taco)
•
Susan Sarandon enjoyed beating the shit out of daughter
Eva Amurri. For a movie! For a movie! (
Daily Stab)
• Dear
Kim Kardashian: God would not have dealt you that colossal can and made you mambo on Dancing with the Stars if He didn't want you to shake it like a bottle of salad dressing. Wake up, Kim! Look alive! (
F-listed)
•
The Girls Next Door: the truth comes out. You mean three large-breasted blondes in their twenties AREN'T banging an octogenarian? (
Pop on the Pop)
•
Leighton Meester admits she was born in the slammer. (
The Hollywood Gossip)
• Top 5 Network TV Nude Scenes! (
Mr. Skin)
• It was mystical, magical water, and not a penis, that got
Nicole Kidman pregnant. (
The Blemish)
September 10, 2008
A Bunch of People Who Have Too Much Damn Money

Most people go to the office, work super hard while their bosses are out playing golf, and instead of heaps of credit and a corner office and huge pay raises they get an FTD teddy bear bouquet as a Christmas bonus. But movie stars aren't like most people. They make a decent flick or two then it's off to A-list land, where no paycheck has fewer than seven zeros and nobody cares if you actually do good work as long as your famous name appears above the title. This is how movie stars get to foist piles of dog shit at the public, call them "blockbusters", and get paid at least 20 mil for the effort. But there are a few stars that the rich man's periodical
Forbes thinks need to start earning minimum wage to learn a lesson or two.
1.
Nicole Kidman
2.
Jennifer Garner
3.
Tom Cruise
4.
Cameron Diaz
5.
Jennifer Lopez
6.
Jim Carrey
7.
Nicolas Cage
8.
Drew Barrymore
9. Will Ferrell
10.
Cate Blanchett
Moist of these we understand; what a bunch of turkeys these hacks have turned out (besides the lovely, talented, irreplaceable, poured-from-porcelain Cate Blanchett, of course). But Cameron Diaz? She is worth every single shiny penny. Did you
see What Happens in Vegas? That film was a touching tale of how to find love through humility that spoke to every single human being with a beating heart. And you just can't put a price on meaning like that.
July 23, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Funky Monk-y

•
Sophie Monk's nipples try to stab their way through her bikini top. Like they were pink, squishy pirate cutlasses. (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
•
David Duchovny was scared that wife
Tea Leoni would give him a beatdown when she saw his makeout scene with
Gillian Anderson in the
X-Files movie. Guess we can assume she's never seen
Californication. (
FemaleFirst)
•
Nick Hogan turns 18 on Sunday. That means big boy jail! Yayyy! Sooo big! (
Allie Is Wired)
• Despite the pap songs, the fishbelly complexion, and the castrato voice, being
James Blunt is kind of sweet. (
Cityrag)
• More details about
Batman giving his batmom a batshove. (
Yeeeah!)
•
Heather Locklear has been successfully rehabilitated. Locklear v. 2.0 ready for deployment. (
The Blemish)
•
Amy Winehouse wants at least five children with cracky, smacky husband Blake. Though since he's just been sentenced to 27 months in jail, that might be difficult outside of conjugal visits. (
CelebWarship)
• Two weeks post-birth, and
Nicole Kidman's gut is flatter than yours. The world is a vampire. (
Hollywire)
•
Gabrielle Reece shoves her volleyballs into a bikini top. (
Drunken Stepfather)
• Picture it. 2008. Estelle Getty dies at her home. We'll miss you, Sophia Petrillo. (
PopCrunch)
July 15, 2008
Nicole Kidman Gives It Away for Free
Nicole Kidman may have jumped on the Hollywood "My baby's special; she needs a unique name like Colon Backslash Anal Sex" bandwagon, but she's not all about the latest celebrity trends.
Jessica Alba, Matthew McConaughey, and Brangelina may be
banking millions off of their offspring snaps, but not Nicky. She's all, "Hell, you wanna see her? Here. Get a good look. Just let me know when you're done, cause she's gotta nurse." Our own celebrity-baby photo agent,
FemaleFirst, reports:
Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have rejected various million dollar offers for the first photographs of their new daughter.
The 'Moulin Rouge' actress and her country singer husband - who welcomed Sunday Rose, their first child together, into the world last week - have allegedly been approached by various celebrity magazines desperate to get the first pictures of the baby, but have declined all offers.
A source said: "They don't think it's appropriate to make deals. They are still deciding how they feel about it - if and when they will release a photo at all."
However, the couple are said to be considering releasing a picture themselves, for free.
The source added: "They realise there is enormous interest from the public and they are grateful and appreciative of that.
"Nicole and Keith have been enjoying their first few days at home with their firstborn tot - Nicole is thinking about things like breastfeeding right now."
What are you thinking, Nicole? The amount of dough Sunday Rose could rake in for you could keep you in Botox shots--and restorative surgery once it's discovered that Botox causes your flesh peel off in chunks after fifteen years--for the rest of your days. Oh, no, oops. We don't mean that. We mean, just think of how many starving babies those millions would feed. Yeah. That's it. That's what celebrities do with all that money. Feed starving babies.
more »
July 08, 2008
Nicole Kidman Sez: In Your Face, Xenu!

We know that ever since yesterday morning your face has been plagued with a perplexed expression, you've been scratching your head so much you've nearly created a new bald spot, and you've been muttering to yourself, "
Sunday Rose? Seriously? Sunday Rose?" while walking around in circles and distractedly bumping into furniture. And we've been right there with you, pal. But luckily
MSNBC has come along to solve the
Nicole Kidman baby-name mystery:
By now it’s pretty much common knowledge that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban named their baby Sunday Rose, and thus re-opened the vault of bad celebrity baby names.
What was the couple thinking? One Kidman source said that before the birth, Urban penned a song titled “Sunday” about his little miracle-to-be. “(Urban and Kidman) knew the sex of the baby beforehand, and once Keith wrote the song, they thought it was the perfect name for their baby,” said the Kidman source. “They really didn’t know she’d almost be born on Sunday.”
Another source said the name is her last jab at Scientology. “Nicole is a Catholic, and Sunday was an important religious day for her until she was involved in Scientology,” said the source. “She’s still bitter about her experience with Scientology and the fact her baby’s name could be perceived as one last jab doesn’t exactly upset her.”
What’s up next for the new family of three? “They’re going to nest in Nashville for a while.”
The Keith Urban song theory we totally get (and we're sure it's a masterpiece on the order of "Hey Jude"), but using your first naturally born child's moniker, the name she'll have to saddle until she's 18 and changes it to something really boring like Ann, to smite Scientology? We don't think so. We think Nicole's saving that honor for her very first yacht, the S.S. Scientology is a Cult Full of Crazy Alien Humpers. And of course the dinghy will be christened the P.S. My Ex-husband Tom Cruise Likes Wieners (and I Don't Mean Hot Dogs).
more »
July 07, 2008
Kidman Has Kid, Man

What happens when a heavily Botoxed mother and a heavily Lumineered father reproduce, and their baby comes out with forehead creases and the potential for crooked brown teeth? We dunno, ask
Nicole Kidman and
Keith Urban! Mere moments ago, Nicole spread her fish belly white thighs and pushed forth a new life unto this world.
People scoops:
Nicole Kidman and her husband, Keith Urban, have welcomed their first child together, a daughter named Sunday Rose Kidman Urban, born Monday morning in Nashville, PEOPLE has confirmed.
"Husband Keith was by Nicole's side, and mother and baby are very well," said spokesman Paul Freundlich, who added that the couple were "delighted" to make the announcement. He also said the baby girl weighed 6 lbs., 7.5 oz.
And at the same time in a parallel universe, Sunday's arch rival, Thursday Peony Adultwoman Rural, was also born. In twenty years they will fight to the death. Who will emerge the victor? There can be only one.
more »
April 15, 2008
Nicole Kidman Pregnant with World's First Four-Ounce Baby

This is a photograph of
Nicole Kidman. She is supposedly somewhere in the vicinity of six months pregnant. Yet gazing upon her still quite puny gut would made one think, "She must have splurged and eaten half a chalupa and a couple of Mallomars." The image does not scream, "There is a living being growing inside my uterus." But maybe we're just thinking of this whole "Nicole Kidman is pregnant" thing in the wrong light. Perhaps it is not her lady chamber that is pregnant, but her mind. Pregnant with ideas. Ideas on how to be in a movie that actually makes money. Or ideas about which shade of beige to paint (sorry, hire people to paint) the guest bathroom. Or maybe all those years spent in such close proximity to Scientology have given her extraordinary abilities. Perhaps she is actually pregnant with a kitten. Those things are pretty damn small. And maybe it's a kitten granted with the gift of L. Ron Hubbard's soul; a kitten that will possess the ability to speak and command large flocks of gullible followers who believe him when he says that they are all possessed by ancient alien beings and must pledge three quarters of their income to eradicate said beings from their bodies. His name will be Mittens, because he will have white paws.
Find more pics of Nicole Kidman looking not-at-all pregnant at
Celebitchy.
more »
March 18, 2008
CNW: "I Said Impeti-Go, Go"

• Hey, Amy. Maybe you should extend that liner to cover your entire face. (
Flisted)
•
Eva Mendes gets a job shilling Calvin Klein drawers! Just like Marky Mark, only with more substance abuse and less wiggerliness. Same size boobs, though. (
Yeeeah!)
• Clip of
Brit's appearance on
How I Met Your Mother. Talking about shopping with Doogie Howser? Ooooh, that's fabulous, girlfriend! (
The Superficial)
•
Nicole Richie and
Paris Hilton fighting again. Fighting over Maddens. That's kind of like arguing about which Nelson brother is cooler (the answer is Gunner, obviously). (
Celebitchy)
•
Eva Longoria's wedding tattoo disappeared. Maybe she used WRECKING BALM! (
Daily Stab)
• Eliot Spitzer enjoyed Charlie Sheen's sloppy seconds. Surprisingly, we're not talking about Denise Richards. (
Bitten and Bound)
•
Jennifer Aniston is a dutiful flosser; probably has no plaque buildup in her ass crack. (
The Blemish)
•
Punky Brewster has another daughter and names her JAGGER. We can't wait to have babies named Staley and Weiland and Stapp. (
CelebWarship)
•
Pamela Anderson's famished vagina snacks on spangled panties. (
Drunken Stepfather)
•
Nicole Kidman's bodyguard goes ape crazy on a paparazzo. (
Holy Taco)
January 08, 2008
Kidman's Rep Says: "I Was Just Joshing You. She's Totally Knocked Up."

We have a great idea: Instead of celebrities having their people release statements saying, "Of course she's not pregnant, you dumb idiots. She's never even had sex. She doesn't even know what a penis looks like. She's never even seen Michelangelo's David. She could not possibly be pregnant," they should just say, "I'm a dirty filthy liar and you should never believe one word that I say. Today I will say
Nicole Kidman isn't pregnant, but tomorrow you will probably see a live human baby coming out of her vagina on
Entertainment Tonight." We like a little honesty in our celebrity shills. After denying the preggo rumors
last week, Nicole's spokesperson confirmed this morning:
Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban confirmed today that they are expecting a baby. The couple are thrilled.
This kid is going to have it
rough. Can you imagine if every time you saw your adopted half siblings (which should be approximately twice a year, if Nicole's maternal history is any indication) they said, "Sure, you're an okay kid, we guess, but our other half sibling is the next supreme being of the universe and will some day save us all from inevitable alien invasion"?
January 07, 2008
Shocking New Book Alleges Tom Cruise Is Wacky Cult Leader

So you know all those things you've heard about
Tom Cruise being a crazy loony mental patient who does nothing all day but mutter under his breath "I love L. Ron. L. Ron is God" and stare at the author's photo on the back of
Dianetics? Someone said, "What the hell, I can sell that" and wrote a book. Finally, we can claim to have more journalistic integrity than
someone.
PageSix.com reports:
A new book by Princess Diana's biographer makes some astonishing claims about Tom Cruise and the hold that Scientology has over every aspect of his life.
In Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography, Andrew Morton launches an extraordinary attack on the Top Gun star — and on those closest to him, including his little daughter, Suri.
The U.K.'s Daily Mail has revealed some of the more scandalous allegations that Morton makes in the book:
* Tom's daughter with Katie Holmes, Suri, was conceived like Rosemary's Baby, a film "in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil's child." Morton claims that some "fanatical" Scientologists believe that Suri is the result of a sperm donation by Scientology's dead founder, L. Ron Hubbard.
* Morton implies that Scientology executives contributed to the failure of Tom's marriage to Nicole Kidman. He writes that because Nicole's father was a psychologist (a science said to be frowned upon by the religion) and that she had given an interview emphasizing her roots as a Catholic that she would "compromise Tom's commitment to his faith." When the couple split in 2000, Morton claims that Nicole was worried that she might not be able to see the two children the couple had adopted (Isabella and Conor). He also states that she was worried that her Scientology "audit" tapes, which contained details of her sex life, might be leaked if she spoke out.
* The author says that Penelope Cruz's father, Eduardo, feared that his daughter would be drawn into a "cult" while she dated her Vanilla Sky co-star, and "emailed an organization devoted to helping cult members and their families."
* Morton says that Tom's current mission is to recruit David and Victoria Beckham. The 45-year-old took Scientology leader David Miscavige to a Real Madrid game in 2004 and when the Beckhams moved to Los Angeles in July last year, he threw them a celebratory party.
Tom's longtime lawyer Bert Fields spoke to the Daily Mail about the book, describing it as "a pack of lies." He said that the tome is "poorly researched and badly written, and it's not really even about Tom Cruise — it's an attack on Scientology." He also said that Morton hasn't spoken to him, Tom's mother, sister, Paula Wagner (Tom's producing partner), his agent, wives, David Beckham, Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez or any of the famous directors he's worked with.
While the book isn't being published in the U.K., readers in the U.S. will have a chance to judge for themselves when it is published Stateside on January 15.
What, that's it? What's so scandalous about that? It doesn't even mention anything about Katie Holmes's contract or about the eighteen-year-old rent boy Tom keeps hidden in the basement (we may have made up that last one, but we have the Mortonian spirit this morning). If you're going to pick a pack of unsubstantiated rumors to populate your trashy book, why not pick the really interesting ones? We already know that Tom is culty crazy number two and that he wants the Beckhams to help his recruiting efforts. This is pretty boring stuff. That's why in our unauthorized Tom Cruise biography (TK as soon as why can find good blackmail material on a Random House staffer, hopefully spring '09) we'll focus on Tom and Katie's sham relationship, her big payoff, and the possibility that either former Katie schtupper Chris Klein or Tommy cousin and
Lost creepy William Mapother is actually Suri's dad, with special totally fictional drawings of what we assume Katie's nightly lockdown looks like (a windowless room, leg shackles--which would explain all those wide-legged pants--and an endless supply of celery sticks and Scientological literature).
January 02, 2008
Nicole Kidman Pregnant, About To Lose Three-Quarters of Face Due To Botox Withdrawal

A couple of things happened while we were away. But other than Mischa Barton confirming that she shares intoxication preferences with Nicole Richie, we didn't pay attention to most of it. We were too busy plying our Real Doll with Veuve Clicquot in hopes that she would finally put out. (She has expensive tastes. And, no, it still didn't work.) So we didn't really have time to follow rumors about the possible occupation of
Nicole Kidman's womb. Plus, her people rapidly denied the story anyway, so who the f cares? Not us. That is until we read this ridiculously obvious blind item in today's Page Six:
WHICH 40ish actress has finally gotten pregnant for the first time? Her rep is denying it because she's only a month into it, and has suffered miscarriages in the past. Said our source: "Watch for her to get bangs and start wearing hats to hide her sagging face because you can't be on Botox when you are pregnant."
We've got a better solution for Nicole: Have Madame Tussaud's carve up a couple of statues of Nicole in various states of pregnancy and send them to red-carpet events. No one will know the difference, and Nicole can stay locked up at home until the kid pops, assuring that no paps will snap Nic looking like Droopy Dog. Once the kid's old enough to talk and starts calling Katie Holmes Mommy, though, we'll be out of suggestions.
October 30, 2007
Nicole Kidman Is Sheerly Lovely

So you haven't had a hit movie since, what?,
The Hours, your marriage, while it is with a man of normal height who does not as far as we know worship aliens, is generally viewed as a tragic mess, your lips are beginning to implant themselves in Joan Rivers territory, and your new film is getting a bunch of Jesus lovers
all uppity, which is never good for business. What do you do? Show off your panties! Way to go,
Nicole Kidman. But while we're happy that Nic has sunk to this level or movie promotion, we're a bit confused. Yes, the dress is technically see-through. And, yes, we do see a bra there. But upon closer inspection this dress sure is on the chaste side, as far as see-through dresses are concerned. We're assuming she's wearing a thong, but we just can't see it. Nor can we see anything else. What we've got here is one big cock tease. She's saying, "Hey, sailors, look at me in this see-through dress. Aren't I sexy? Doesn't it make you want to see my new movie?" And you're thinking, "Yeah, maybe I will see that movie. She looks hot." But then as you're working up a boner you realize that all you really see is a bunch of lace. And if you wanted to get all hot over some lace, you'd open the doily drawer on your grandma's credenza. And speaking of your grandma and lace and doilies, take a look at
Joan Collins. She's taking a different angle on the
see-through thing, by pairing it with her sturdy Playtex 18-Hour Bra. And the weird thing is, in today's see-through battle, we're going to have to rule for Joan. She'd seduce you, marry you, and have all your assets transferred to her name before she'd even have to unhook that 18-Hour Bra, and Nicole would probably spend that whole time yelling at her assistant that she asked for pineapple-scented candles in her goddamn dressing room, not apple-scented candles.
more »
October 22, 2007
Nicole Kidman Feeds Her Rack

Have you noticed that
Nicole Kidman has been looking slightly less peaked lately? Spotted a rosy glow creeping across her normal pallor of malnutrition and subcutaneous botulism injections? That's because she's been trying a very controversial Hollywood method acting trick. It's called . . . excuse us, this word is unfamiliar and hard to pronounce, but we think it's "eee-ting"? "Eee-ah-ting"? Something like that. It sounds frightening and dangerous, at any rate. The
Daily Mail drops this hot little feke:
Just as Renee [Zellweger] had to bulk up to play Bridget Jones, so Nicole has already put on 10lb for her latest film, The Reader.
A close friend said: "Nicole loves her new bosom, but she is finding eating so much makes her lethargic and sleepy. She's usually running on adrenaline and has to be reminded to eat a meal. Now she's eating four, and sometimes five small meals a day."
"The part she plays demands that she gets fatter throughout the movie as her character slips into middle age.
"It's a very demanding role because there are a lot of explicit lovemaking scenes. The film is set over several decades so her character changes a lot. Nicole was originally planning to use prosthetics but was told by the director, Stephen Daldry, that it would be more realistic if she gained the weight."
Nicole probably fought tooth and nail against this weight gain (oh God! The lethargy! The lethargy!) and begged the director to allow her to use prosthetics. She probably busted out the faux nose she wore for
The Hours and put it on her ass, like, "Here. Prosthetics. This is what fatties look like, right? Look at me! Look at my 'junk' in my 'truck'!" And then she puffed out her cheeks and held out her arms in front of her like a comical bowl full of jelly and went "BOM! BOM! BOM! BOM!" when she walked, the silicone nose bobbling comically on her butt cheek. And the director was like, "Ummmm, yeah. Try a Ho-Ho."
more »
September 11, 2007
Toronto International Film Festival 2007 Features Young People Fucking

For a couple of years now, we've been hounding the powers that be at the Toronto International Film Festival to add a subtitle to their festival's name. We've sent letters, personalized cupcakes, talking parrots, whatever we could think of. But to no avail. They will not even consider changing the name to the Toronto International Film Festival: We Give You Famous Naked Titties. They may be old fuddy-duddies resistant to change and progress, but they can't argue that that's a pretty accurate description. After the cut,
Cate Blanchett,
Jennifer Jason Leigh,
Mena Suvari, and many more.
more »
September 05, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Floatation Devices

•
Pam Anderson as you've never seen her before: half naked and covered in frothy white liquid. No, wait, you've seen her like that plenty of times. (
Hollywood Tuna)
•
Gwen Stefani is all "I call a foul! Hand-checking!" and then blows her whistle. (
Yeeeah!)
•
Maggie Gyllenhaal is part Stevie Nicks, part Vampira, part Norma Desmond in the new ads for Agent Provocateur. (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
•
Nicole Kidman cops to miscarriage and secret engagement. She should also cop to having red pubes. Admit it! Tell us the truth! (
Allie Is Wired)
•
Jude Law was arrested for assaulting a photographer. Oh, come on. Jude Law? He probably just gave the man a feeble, limp-wristed slap and then adjusted his foppish ascot. (
The Blemish)
•
Matt Dillon keeps unibrow; shaves down nose. (
Cityrag)
• What's that up
Paris Hilton's skirt? Is it a prize? Do we win a prize? Is it bigger than a breadbox? (
Drunken Stepfather)
• And Maria Sharapova is like, "Upskirt? I'll show YOU upskirt. Fools." (
Taxi Driver)
•
Spiderman takes a bride. (
Celebitchy)
• Jerry Lewis talks about a bundle of sticks. That's what he's talking about, right? (
GlossLip)
• Hate your ears? Then check out these new
Britney Spears "songs"! (
Derek Hail)
•
Drew Barrymore makes out with the Macintosh Man. Man, that's like
Cameron Diaz necking with a Geico caveman. Or
Penelope Cruz hitting the sheets with the "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell" guy. (Yes, we realize that Justin Long has done other crap besides these commercials, so cool out, man) (
ONTD)
August 29, 2007
Camp Hubbard: Eradicating Thetans Since 1978 (Horseback Riding Since 1993)

Your summer camp experience probably included lots of impromptu booger-eating contests, making macramé Kleenex cosies for your mom, and trying to trick the girls into skinny-dipping. At
Tom Cruise's kids' summer camp, they learn how to purge their bodies of alien impurities and earn enough money so that giving up sixty percent of your income to further L. Ron's message doesn't seem like a really big deal. Oh, and for those little boys who spend all their time in the crafts lodge bedazzling their scarf collection, there's a special workshop on suppressing your unnatural urges.
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March 07, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "Spread 'em!"

•
Courtney Love says she saw a gigantic pile of
white powder at
Paris Hilton's birthday party. So? It was just talc for Paris's new orange body/chalk face kabuki look (left).
•
Elizabeth Hurley got
married. So . . . that's great. For her. Good job, or something.
•
Sienna Miller says, "This year is the
Year of the Slut! Spread 'em! That's my motto for 2007." Chinese New Year was just a few weeks ago, try. Now, we can't remember, is the Year of the Slut before or after the Year of the Tiger?
• Drop a little sumthin down some celebrity plumber's
baby's daddy, too, LOL!" Yes, yes, O.J., we see you, honey. Yes, we're paying attention. That's very nice, sweetheart.
•
Nicole Kidman pooped her bikini bottoms! Aw, we're just jerking your bird--it's just sand. Sandy
poop!
• And speaking of sand,
Shauna Sand seems to have
lost her bra, along with the "Lamas".
•
Eva Mendes,
nude yet covered, featuring curious, hairless, cleave-less, poreless Barbie crotch.
•
Britney is reportedly
"struggling" in rehab. Apparently, she didn't know that there wasn't any ecstasy in there, y'all!
•
Nicole Richie's boyfriend
punched a lady in the titty!!!
• The power of
voodoo. Who do?
Angelina do. Do what? The voodoo.
March 06, 2007
Nicole Kidman: Oscar-Winner, Ball-Snipper

Acting is not necessarily a brainless profession. Oftentimes, thespians are required to intensively train and learn new skills for a role--swordfighting, horseback riding, playing the drums, and so forth. Our gossip ringmaster, FemaleFirst, clues us in on
Nicole Kidman's new skill:
Nicole Kidman has been learning how to castrate young bulls.
The Hollywood actress - who is to star as a 30s English aristocrat who inherits a cattle station in her new movie, 'Australia' - will be required to be hands-on with the livestock, including neutering young cattle.
Nicole, 39, said: "I don't know if I'll actually have to do that, but it's best to be prepared."
Actually, "new skill" might be a bit of a misnomer. Given her 10 year marriage to assumed castrato
Tom Cruise and the current, vise-like grip she holds over current husband
Keith "get your drunk ass to rehab or I will divorce you"
Urban's oysters, we'd say Nicole has more than a little experience when I comes to brutal nuthandling.
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