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filed under: music videos

June 05, 2008

Britney To Frolic with Different Kind of Pussy

Britney Spears Gimme More MTV VMAs.jpg Generally when a parent puts their out-of-control daughter on lock down, they monitor the company the little angel keeps, set up outings to the malt shop with the local equestrian club or a troupe of young Jane Austen enthusiasts to set her on the path to righteousness. Not Britney Spears's dad; he says, "Have fun hanging out with the Pussycat Dolls, honey. Don't forget to wear some panties!" According to Access Hollywood:
Britney Spears is making a cameo in a new video by the Pussycat Dolls, Access Hollywood has learned.

A source close to the five piece girl group confirmed the news exclusively to Access.

“She is doing a cameo in their new video shoot today,” the source said.

Spears was spotted in Burbank earlier today, where the Pussycat Dolls are shooting a music video for “When I Grow Up,” the first single from their second, as yet untitled album.

Spears once joined the Pussycat Dolls on stage at a performance for her older brother Bryan’s birthday.

The Pussycat Dolls’ new record was executive produced by Timbaland and features appearances from Gnarls Barkley singer Cee-Lo Green and Sean Garrity.
At first we were horrified by the prospect of a Britney/Pussycat Dolls collaboration, but we're starting to come around. In fact, we might even think it's an inspired choice. Because, really, what better way to make Brit look feminine than to put her next to a bunch of testes tuckers? She will seem a girly beauty once again, despite evidence to the contrary. more »
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June 04, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Rhys Is in Pieces

sienna_rhys_breakup.jpgSienna Miller finally cuts loose her improbably-named, leonine lover Rhys Ifans. (CeleBuzz)

• Angry whelp Miley Cyrus wrecks equipment on the set of her new video. "Grrrr! I'm so mad! Like a bear! Grrr! Like a fluffy bear! With a bow around its neck! Grrr . . . awwww." (Drunken Stepfather)

Kim Kardashian and Vanessa Minnillo dressed as cheerleaders, Carmen Electra in jazzercise gear. You're welcome, pre-verts. (The Hollywood Gossip)

• The fetus is out there. And by "there" we mean in Gillian Anderson's womb. (F-Listed)

• Oh yeah, Charlie Sheen married Brooke Whatsherguts last weekend. We didn't report on it because it didn't involve insulting Denise Richards. (Allie Is Wired)

Lily Allen's hair is pink, her face is green, and her liver is pickled yellow. Fun drunk shots! Luv u Lily. (Derek Hail)

Astley Tisdale: prepare for mass RickRollage. (The Blemish)

Vanity Fair is in deep shit for implying that Gina Gershon let Bill Clinton's presidential peen into her Oval Office. Crystal Connors, NO! (Defamer)

Eva Longoria is sporting what appears to be an inflated pregnancy rack, highlighted by the most burnt sienna of tan-spackle. (D-listed)
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May 13, 2008

Jennifer Lopez: Career Killer

ben affleck and jennifer lopez.jpg The video for "Jenny from the Block" was a lot of things. A pretty awesome jam. Where we learned that it takes hard work to cash checks. A good place to ogle Jennifer Lopez's ass and bare stomach. The downfall of Ben Affleck. Wait, what? Entertainmentwise reports:
Ben Affleck credits starring in then-fiancee Jennifer Lopez’s Jenny From The Block video with nearly ruining his career.

The actor – who began dating the Latina singer in 2002 – featured prominently in the promo, and at one point is seen rubbing sun tan lotion onto Lopez's bottom.

The couple's high-profile romance went on to provoke a tabloid backlash, culminating in the 2003 box office flop Gigli.

And the actor is now convinced that bringing his personal life into the spotlight was damaging to his career.

He says, "If I have a big regret, it was doing the music video. But that happened years ago. I've moved on."

But Affleck insists he isn't blaming Lopez for his career nosedive: "It not only makes me look like a petulant fool (to blame Lopez), but it surely qualifies as ungentlemanly? For the record, did she hurt my career? No."

The pair became engaged in 2002 but called off their relationship in 2003.
True, Ben Affleck's career had some high points before the video and some low points after it, but let's just take a look at some of Fleck's credits prior to "Jenny from the Block": Armageddon. Forces of Nature. Dogma. Reindeer Games. Bounce. Changing Lanes. Sure, J.Lo can shoulder some of the responsibility for Gigli and Jersey Girl and even Paycheck, but the rest were all you, old boy. Once a shitty-movie-maker always a shitty-movie-maker. Ain't no broad gonna change that. more »
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April 29, 2008

Scarlett Johansson's "Falling Down" Video Will Have You Falling Asleep

scarlett johansson nanny diaries bored.jpg What can we say about Scarlett Johansson's first music video? There are no bright colors to shock your not-fully-awake brain. Um, what else? She obviously made this song for a love of the music, because no one in their right mind would think it's going to be the next "Best of Both Worlds." The only time you could use the word "hit" in conjunction with the song is when you're talking about how your head hit the desk after you fell asleep from boredom. But, hey, for that one person out there whose biggest wish in life is to witness ScarJo's pre-photo-shoot makeup ritual, get out your best ceremonial dagger because your life is complete and it's finally hari kari time. Otherwise, there's not much to recommend, unless you have the stamina to make it all the way to the end, where you will be rewarded with Salman Rushdie nuzzling Scarlett's neck. Why? Because Norman Mailer is dead.



more »
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January 04, 2008

Penélope Cruz Did Not Make out with Her Sister. She Made out with Someone Who Looks Like Her Sister.

penelope cruz mia maestro make out.jpg Eduardo Cruz does not want to be seen as the slightly more rock 'n' roll Enrique Iglesias. He wants to be seen as the slightly more rock 'n' roll Enrique Iglesias who fulfills his taboo childhood fantasies by having his super famous, super hot sister in his video making out with someone who looks like his marginally famous, super hot sister. E! Online reports:
Reports of Penélope Cruz and her sister, Mónica, making out in their younger brother’s new music video have been greatly exaggerated.

Well, more than exaggerated—the reports are wrong!

Just after Christmas, media outlets in Europe reported that singer Eduardo Cruz convinced his sisters to swap spit in the music video for “Cosas Que Contar,” the title track of his debut album. The story quickly spread through the blogoshere with headlines such as "Faux-Dyke Out" and "Cruz Incest Caught on Tape."

But I've got the real story. I can exclusively tell you the gal whom Penélope is smooching is actress Mía Maestro! While Mónica and Penélope appear in the video as two beauties dubbing a lesbian porn flick into Spanish as well as bathing-suit-clad guitar players, Penélope’s rep tells me there was absolutely no lesbian lip-locking screen time between the two.

Reports even went so far as to claim it was 22-year-old Eduardo’s idea for the smooch, because he always dreamed of watching his sisters get naughty with each other.
Both sisters do appear in the video, whispering lustily into bro's ears and looking like they want to eat his face for dinner. With their vaginas. Then way near the end, there are about two seconds of Penélope trying to eat Mía Meastro's face. With her mouth, unfortunately.

more »
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October 10, 2007

Gimme More: Britney Spears In Various States of Semi-Dress

britney-spears-gimme-boobs.jpgGuess what happened? Guess! Just guess. Bet you can't guess. Bet you bet you bet you. Okay okay okay, we're so excited, we'll just go ahead and tell you! BRITNEY SPEARS DID SOME STUFF! At this point, writing a Britney Spears story is like writing a Choose Your Own Adventure or perhaps a Mad Lib.

Britney Spears left (name of L.A. hotel) on (day of week), and proceeded to drag her (adjective) (body part) to (name of coffee chain) for a (noun)acchino. While exiting her (name of car), she spread her (body part) and flashed her (body part). Her weave looked (adverb) (adjective). That Britney, she's so (adjective)!

After the cut, we put our Mad Lib to use and show you Brit's various sundry naked squishy pieces. more »
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October 05, 2007

Britney Greases the Pole

britney_rarrrr.jpgIt's easy to forget that Britney Spears is not just a funny homeless lady who spends her days babbling gibberish to iced coffees and tottering around with her wig on backwards. Actually, she has a job doing music and singing and dancing! Isn't that weird? Grab a juice box, sit back, and enjoy watch her new video for her hit song, "Gimme More":

We haven't seen "stretch the artist vertically" camera tricks so powerful since Paula Abdul's "Promise of a New Day" video, nor have we seen lasery special effects so breathtaking since our class photo from 1987. A stupendous job from everyone involved. "Stupendous" means "extra stupid", right? more »
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August 21, 2007

J.Lo Introduced To Dungeon Life; Marc Anthony Surprisingly Not Responsible

jlo skull cap.jpg So you're a rapidly aging and fading pop star/sex symbol whose latest ill-advised hubby collabo has been pretty much panned and whose once-storied and adored rear bumper has been surpassed by younger ladies of varying ethnicities. What's a girl to do? Why, break out the whips and chains and human-sized mousetraps and giant hamster cages. That'll get their attention, J.Lo. more »
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August 15, 2007

Bloody Chokesex: the Pinnacle of Romance

heart-shaped-glasses.pngIt's been a while since Gothbert Gothbert and Holita have ascended from their spoooooky love-pit of super sexy cradle-robbing passion to assert their love for one another in the press. So we were delighted to read this quote from Evan Rachel Wood in the latest issue of GQ magazine, as she explains how touching it was to film screamy chokesex in a torrent of fake blood for her boyfriend's "Heart-Shaped Glasses" video.
“At the end of the video, we’re kissing and it’s raining blood – and for me, that was one of the most romantic moments of my entire life. We made it for each other … Because that’s how we were feeling at the time: Even though ugliness can be all around you – you can literally be in a thunderstorm of blood – if you look past that, it really is just two people holding on to each other. And you know, the same thing with the sex scene. If you’re going to have a sex scene, that’s what it is. When you’re with someone and you’re in love, that’s usually what happens. It’s not always soft. Sometimes it’s somebody screaming or whatever.”
Well, she's nineteen years old, it's not hard to believe that this was the most romantic moment of her life. Before this, that coveted top spot was held by the time she frenched a guy in his mom's Kia Sedona to a mix CD of Nickelback songs. Similarly, the most romantic moment of our young lives was when we humped our boyfriend Tay, not in a "literal" thunderstorm of blood but in . . . chocolate raiiiiin. more »
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July 30, 2007

Britney Works the Pole

britney spears stripper pole.jpg Quick, think of the least sexy supposedly sexy scenario that could ever exist. Even if you came up with Minnie Pearl riding William Shatner's face while she tickled his balls with her dangling price tag, we've got you beat. We have pictures of Britney Spears working a stripper pole in her new video. We're sure she greased up the pole with her weave first. more »
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July 20, 2007

Hooker Widow

britney_video_1.jpgAll this time, you've been observing Britney Spears in her $9.99 Chernin's Shoe Outlet pleather boots, yarn weave, and bedazzled mall frocks and thought, "That's all fine and good, but when she starts getting her career back on track, she'll hire the finest producers, stylists, choreographers, and directors, and make 'I'm a Slave 4 U' sexy style vids with lots of sweat pooling hither and yon, some grinding, much moistening of parted lips." Well, here are some pictures from the set of her new video for "Pac Man Fever' "Get Back", and as you can see, well:



britney_video_2.jpg britney_video_3.jpgbritney_video_4.jpg
An insider told That Other Blog:
“Not many people know how long this music video has been in pre-production. The entire concept behind the music video, which I cannot talk about was entirely Britney’s idea, and this is the first time that she has been involved in it as early as the story board process, all the way to the production design and the casting as well. The only thing I can say is that this video is about “rebirth”. She also did all the choreography for it. This is her baby and is excited for all her fans to see it when it airs. She has been working extremely hard even though many fail to give her credit for it.”
"Rebirth"? That outfit looks more like "Afterbirth". Ooh, eat your heart out, Mr. Blackwell!
more »
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May 15, 2007

Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood Totally Did It

marievan.jpgGothbert Gothbert and Holita's "Heart Shaped Glasses" video continues to shock! And! Disgust! with its portrayal of a bird-chested middled aged doom rocker performing screechy chokesex on his barely legal thespian concubine. As it turns out, the screechy chokesex might actually be the real deal. Which means that the lovebird's private acts of love almost certainly resemble the ones depected onscreen: a bloated lamprey in Urban Decay lipstick slurping its way up a prone, alternately bored/yelping teen. Hot! more »
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May 08, 2007

Making Out on a Big Pile of Blood

evanmanson2.jpgGothbert Gothbert and Holita continue to take Dad's Atra razor and cut a wobbly pink swath of lovelorn angst across the inner wrist of America. Marilyn Manson's new video for "Heart-Shaped Glasses" is online, and you can watch and vicariously live out the couple's embarrassing "Bonnie and Clyde, baby, you and me against the world" romance from the comfort of your own computer. An uncomfortably long bout of shrieky, topless chokesex gives way to the twosome guzzling booze while speeding in a convertible ("Faster! Faster!"), licking knives, taking polaroids, driving with feet, and murmuring sweet nothings ("I love you, goddammit") before the vehicle bursts into flames as they drive off a cliff like a Hot Topic Thelma and Louise. Alternative! It's exactly like our mall-goth early adolescence, only with fewer pairs of black and white striped tights and more old men in billowy open shirts. Don't miss this rare opportunity to check out an aging pagan-rocker living out a middle age crisis on video--we're pretty sure the convertible is a Miata he dipped into his 401K to buy, and behind the bottle of absinthe on the dash there surely lurks a box of Tagamet HB.

Thanks to Lizz for the tip! more »
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March 27, 2007

"Me, I'll stay on the sofa, enjoying the vibe by raising my arms."

tony parker basketball.jpg Get ready for the best rap record released by a pro basketball player since Shaq Fu: Da Return; Tony Parker just released a sure-fire hip-hop hit--in French. Page Six reports:
TONY Parker's new rap record sounds like unhip-hop to us. The San Antonio Spur and fiancé of Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria yesterday released his debut album, "Balance-toi," in which he's heard bragging in French about his lavish lifestyle. Some of the less-than-impressive lyrics translate as: "What, you want to dance? No, it's not worth it. Me, I'll stay on the sofa, enjoying the vibe by raising my arms." Stick to dribbling and leave the rapping to the pros, Tony!
You can watch the video for yourself at Yeeeah!, but we suggest you skip it in favor of a true hip-hop genius.
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October 12, 2006

Kevin Wants Britney Fat and Surrounded by Women

You may think that Britney Spears looks like one of Rover's especially big turds that's been run over by your neighbor's Suburban and warmed in the afternoon sun, but Kevin Federline thinks she's as sexy as two lesbians in a hot tub full of whipped cream. And if he has to cover all the mirrors in the house with life-size pictures of Angelina Jolie to make Brit believe she's still got it, then he's gonna do it. more »
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October 05, 2006

The Pleasure Princnipple

In case the 7,534,115 interviews about her dramatic! weight! loss! and the 53,499,302 magazine spreads of her cupping her choco-beans didn't clue you in, Janet Jackson is back, people! And in her new video for "So Excited", she proves she's back by . . . showing off her dramatic weight loss and cupping her breasts! However, she might also, possibly, maybe, be slipping a hint of nip as well. Whip out your reading glasses, jeweler's loupe, and protractor, because after the cut, we have exclusive pics. more »
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July 19, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: The Gayest Day of the Year

• Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis star in the action-packed thriller Escape!!! From the Holy Land!

• Ex-supermodel/ex-Rod Stewart concubine Rachel Hunter shows her punters on the beach. Stacy's mom has got it goin' on.

• Do you want to watch Jessica Simpson gulp down a phallic mouthful of creamy, fluffy froth? You probably do, sure.

Kirsten Dunst brings in da noize, brings in da fug.

Christina Aguilera's breasts are covered in this fetching golf-style ensemble, but the scoop neck still manages to caress and cradle them gently, yet conspicuously. Well done!

Leah Remini says that Suri Cruise is totally real and has dark hair. Katie Holmes is spotted with curiously plasticine blonde baby-like figure. Someone's a lying sack of turds.

Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl: "If you're Lance Bass, and you're going to the gayest town on the gayest day of the year and going to gay parties, you have to expect something."

• That bandeau bikini top is no match for the speckled flesh globules resting upon Lindsay Lohan's upper chestal region.

• Justin Timberlake is desperate for street cred. Who's bad?
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June 28, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Out-Divaing the Divas

Jessica Simpson has lost the part of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming Dallas movie because movie bosses are concerned she'd out-diva the biggest diva on the set, John Travolta. Oooops, we meant to say Jennifer Lopez. Did we really say "John Travolta"? How silly of us.

• So who ended up winning that coveted Lucy Ewing role? Katie Cassidy, daughter of Partridge Family teen dreamboat David. Pictures here. "Rock Heiress". That's funny.

Mischa Barton on the beach, in a bikini. New! Improved! Now with 100% less Nicole Richie!

Gwyneth Paltrow is "cutting" some "hot tracks" in the studio, possibly for an album. Nothing could ever top the bunny-soft, bun-numbing pap-rock track "Cruisin'" she recorded with Huey Lewis. Why bother?

Star Jones: FIRED from The View! Barbara Walters: BETRAYED! Joy Behar: GLEEFUL! Al Reynolds: Gay as a garden party! Us: bored and hungry. You got any Pop Tarts or Li'l Hugs?

Jessica Simpson's new video involves Christina Applegate, Christina Milian, Eva Longoria, a terry-cloth romper, and roller skates. Sweet, it's just like the Dire Straits "Skateaway" video, only with famous broads. Yayyyy!

Britney: evil purple sea witch? Yes.

• Well, Kate Beckinsale and her husband certainly look very together, after all.

Lindsay says, "I did not have sexual intercourse with . . . that man. Mr. McFly."

• Someone stop Sharon Stone before she adopts again!
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June 15, 2006

Take a Trip to 1987 with Brittany Murphy

Brittany Murphy has recorded a song for DJ Paul Oakenfold's new album. Brittany Murphy has filmed a video for said song. We went here and watched the video. The video confused us.

The grainy, black-and-white video. The abundance of black spandex. The lamé. The alley cat cheekily baring his fangs (rowrr!). The hoop earrings, the backup dancers doing pelvic thrusts in a grimy back alley. The huge, flowing, honey-blonde hair. The beret.

It's Taylor Dayne!

Oh, they've tried to confuse us with the belted black strapless lycra get-up and make us think that was Jody Watley, but the lack of brim on her kicky chapeau, coupled with the fact that she is Caucasian, points to Dayne. Welcome back, Taylor! more »
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March 22, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Erecting a Twelve Foot Pole

Jennifer Aniston is moving to Chicago. We can't wait to run into her in the health and beauty aisle at Jewel!

Piper Perabo lowers herself to date former pill-popper/Friends friend Matthew Perry. Move over TomKat and Brangelina, here's . . . Pipthew Perrybo?

• Our #1 deity, Mariah Carey, teams up with Snoop, shoots a video, mounts a mesa of Vuitton luggage, wears very little clothing.

Salma Hayek chortles when confronted with Colin Farrell's weenis. Understandable.

Portman pokies, redux!

• If your daughter were Tori Spelling, wouldn't you sue her too? Just for fun?

K-Fed hates the Pavarotti, loves his kids and wife, raps about it in hot new tune on MySpace. This one's for the haters. Fuck the media.

Pink's special surprise for her husband is reportedly a "12ft pole to be erected in her dressing room". But the bigger surprise is that said pole is being erected in her pants! Because she's a man, see.

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is about to undergo surgery for an "undisclosed medical condition". Lip reduction? Eyeliner tattoos? Scarfectomy?
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July 29, 2005

Mariah Not a Diva, Just Needs To Stop Shopping at Payless

Mariah Carey is not a diva. You got that, world? So please stop calling her one. And if you happen to see her being carried around a video set being fanned by cabana boys and slowly fed grapes one by one, she’s not being a diva, it’s just because her feet hurt, so lay off, willya? more »
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June 30, 2005

Jessica Simpson: Latter-Day Mary Magdalene

Christian love is a beautiful thing. It's like a warm, golden, heterosexual light beaming down from the open hands of Jesus into one's heart, filling them with selfless adoration for all God's creatures: from the mighty elephant down to the lowly crack whore. Just no sluts. Definitely not sluts. Sorry, Jessica Simpson. more »
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June 13, 2005

These Boobs Were Made For Shakin'

See Jessica. See Jessica jiggle. Jiggle, Jessica, jiggle! more »
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