CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.

filed under: music

July 10, 2008

Just Beat It, and You'll Get the Right Stuff

michael_jackson_wheelchair.jpgGet on the horn to your sister and tell her that her fifth grade dreams are about to come true: Michael Jackson and New Kids on the Block are going to collaborate on a song. Someone should maybe clue Michael Jackson in. "New Kids on the Block" is just a clever name, and said "kids" are well into their thirties. Whoops! According to our own personal Jesus juice pusher, FemaleFirst:
Michael Jackson is set to collaborate with New Kids On The Block. The reformed boy band's singer, Donny Wahlberg, revealed the plan as the group - who announced they were reuniting earlier this year - celebrated the launch of their comeback tour, which starts in September.

Donny said: "It's very exciting. It's one big party and everyone wants to join us."
One big party indeed! One big slumber party. In which all the attendees zip their He-Man sleeping bags together and huddle together to tell scary stories. "Aw, don't be scared!" Michael will tell a visibly shaken little Joe after a particularly frightening tale of a werewolf with a hook. "Just hold my hand! No, not that hand. Lower. Lower. Lower."
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July 07, 2008

Nicole and Lionel: Those Rowdy Richies

nicole_richie_lionel_points_at_boobs.jpg When you think of father-daughter duo Lionel and Nicole Richie, surely a few words spring to mind. Loud. Rambunctious. Troublemakers. Pugilistic. This weekend saw Richies pere et fille getting denied their right to party. First up, in the Hamptons, Lionel is like Guns n' Roses circa 1988, according to The San Francisco Chronicle:
Lionel Richie has been banned from performing in New York's Hamptons after locals protested about the noise.

Party promoter Scott Feldman planned to charge guests $1,250 each to watch Richie sing in the backyard of his rented home in the Long Island town of Sag tonight, reports the New York Post's gossip column Page Six.

But the newspaper claims requests for a permit were turned down after wealthy residents of the town -- where rocker Billy Joel also has a home -- stepped in.
$1,250 for a bit of "Dancing on the Ceiling"? Don't people in the Hamptons have better things to spend their oodles and oodles of money on? Like internet porn?

And baby girl Richie takes Daddy's lead one step further and causes a ruckus at a Las Vegas club. Apparently catfights burn more calories than a couple of hours on the elliptical. TMZ reports:
Looks like baby Harlow hasn't settled Nicole Richie's wild side yet.

We're told Nicole was involved in an altercation around 1 AM this morning with a female while in line at the valet outside the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. Sources say Richie was so rowdy she had to be escorted off the property by security!
What could cause Nicole Richie to go all mini ape on another girl? Did her sparring partner suggest that she thought that Paris Hilton was prettier than Nicole? Because that would set anybody off, not just Nicole. Anybody like Chyna. Or Rupaul. Or Spencer Pratt. more »
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July 01, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Heidi Christ, Superstar

heidi-montag-pink-bikini.jpg• Reality show star/monster Heidi Montag promises to make a Christian album, compares herself to Jesus. "Because we both have really shiny hair and heal leopards," Heidi says. "That's what the poor people with zits are called, right?" (Yeeeah!)

Katherine Heigl downblouse cleavage shot. By the by, why is the term downblouse? What an antiquated word. We don't say "upcrinoline". Though "crack above slacks" has a nice ring to it. (Egotastic!)

Anne Hathaway does not heed the rap world's advice to "stop snitchin'"; snitches. (Flisted)

Cameron Diaz is beginning to look a bit Wildensteinian. (Cityrag)

Eva Longoria gets plugged. Fireplugged, that is! (The Blemish)

• Pharrell thinks tattoos and skin are like wallpaper. (FemaleFirst)

Lindsay Lohan and chick chum Samantha Ronson get cutesy together. (CelebWarship)

Zooey Deschanel is everyone's favorite. You there. Go. Look upon her in a swimsuit. (Don't Link This)

• Bridget the Midget's nip slip proves that not ALL of her is tiny. (Taxi Driver)

Amy Winehouse hit a fan (and it felt like a kiss). (Allie Is Wired)

• Eddie Murphy wants to retire from movies. Well, see ya. (Daily Stab)

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June 04, 2008

Jessica Simpson Sets the Worldest Lamest Record

Jessica simpson is posable.jpg With her baby sister newly wed and expecting an emo-fant in the coming months while her own clam chunnel creaks like the basement door at the Munsters' house, Jessica Simpson doesn't have much to celebrate. So we guess under those circumstances, having her new single make really, really pathetic country-music history is cause to break out the party hats and Zima. According the Tennessean.com (yes, seriously):
Jessica Simpson may be most known for her career as a pop singer, but the Texas native swears she’s a country girl at heart. And the chart performance of her latest single backs up the claim.

“Come On Over,” which was released to country radio last week and debuted at no. 41 on Billboard’s country singles charts, makes Simpson the highest charting debut solo artist in the history of Billboard’s country singles chart.

The previous record belonged to Miranda Lambert and Brad Cotter who both debuted at No. 42.

“I got chills and butterflies in my stomach,” said Simpson of hearing her song on country radio for the first time. “It felt like the first time I heard myself on the radio when I was 19. Country is where my heart is. It’s refreshing to share something that feels so close to home. I am so honored to become a part of the country community.”

Simpson’s album, which is yet to be titled, will be released in the fall.

The singer is currently in Nashville to participate in her first CMA Music Festival. At this time, it is unclear where or on which days she will show up. Fans should ‘come on over’ to the festival to find out.
Wait, are we missing something? #41 is something to get giddy over? She didn't even crack the top 40. AND that's #41 on the country charts, meaning that there were 40 other country songs better than Jessica's in that one week! Where does Jessica stand when you throw other genres into the mix? When faced with stiff competition like Danity Kane, Jesse McCartney, and six different David Cook songs, where does Jess's little ditty fall? #308? more »
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CNW Junk Drawer: Rhys Is in Pieces

sienna_rhys_breakup.jpgSienna Miller finally cuts loose her improbably-named, leonine lover Rhys Ifans. (CeleBuzz)

• Angry whelp Miley Cyrus wrecks equipment on the set of her new video. "Grrrr! I'm so mad! Like a bear! Grrr! Like a fluffy bear! With a bow around its neck! Grrr . . . awwww." (Drunken Stepfather)

Kim Kardashian and Vanessa Minnillo dressed as cheerleaders, Carmen Electra in jazzercise gear. You're welcome, pre-verts. (The Hollywood Gossip)

• The fetus is out there. And by "there" we mean in Gillian Anderson's womb. (F-Listed)

• Oh yeah, Charlie Sheen married Brooke Whatsherguts last weekend. We didn't report on it because it didn't involve insulting Denise Richards. (Allie Is Wired)

Lily Allen's hair is pink, her face is green, and her liver is pickled yellow. Fun drunk shots! Luv u Lily. (Derek Hail)

Astley Tisdale: prepare for mass RickRollage. (The Blemish)

Vanity Fair is in deep shit for implying that Gina Gershon let Bill Clinton's presidential peen into her Oval Office. Crystal Connors, NO! (Defamer)

Eva Longoria is sporting what appears to be an inflated pregnancy rack, highlighted by the most burnt sienna of tan-spackle. (D-listed)
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May 07, 2008

Madonna Tries Something Completely Different

madonna kisses girl 1.jpg That Madonna. She's so new, so fresh, so full of reinvention. You just never know what she's going to do next, but you do know that it will blow your mind. Just last night--oh my God, you are not going to believe this, it's so crazy and original--she kissed a girl onstage! That is like so . . . so . . . new! We've never before in our lives seen a super famous lady mingle her tongue with another lady's in front of a live audience. Oh, you know, except for that other time Madonna did it. Maybe Madge is finally over the hill and out of ideas. Next thing you know she'll be dating Dennis Rodman again. What's not lost though? Madonna's way with a phrase. She told the audience at the Paris concert:
"I'm always drawn to working with French people - and frenching French people. Vive la France!"
Ho ho! Does she also love polling Poles? Because the world is very interested in where they stand on whether or not Miley Cyrus is a whore for allowing backal nudity in a family publication. Maybe Madonna is the right woman to get the straight answers out of those wily Poles. No one can lie to Madonna.

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April 30, 2008

Benji's Song for Paris: Good Harlot?

paris hilton sucks finger benji madden.jpg How could any adult woman date a man named Benji and keep a straight face? That's worse than dating a man who voluntarily calls himself Timmy. Both make us think of lovable altruistic dogs. But we're talking about Paris Hilton here, so she probably just refers to paramour Benji Madden as "Paris's boyfriend" anyway. He could be named Boner Shitstain and she probably wouldn't notice because she'd be too busy admiring herself in the mirror. But we digress. On with the show. It seems that Boner Shitstain has written an ode to fauxmance especially for Paris. Awww. Reports People:
Paris Hilton has become a muse to her boyfriend of two months, Benji Madden.

"He actually wrote me a beautiful song, and actually recorded it in the studio," Hilton, 27, said Monday night at the LG launch of the TV series Scarlet. "He surprised me with it. It's called, 'Shine Your Light.' It's this really beautiful love song about me. It was the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me."

As Madden spent the night sharing DJ duties with pal Steve Aoki, Hilton couldn't stop gushing about the 29-year-old Good Charlotte guitarist.

"He's my best friend," she said. "He's just different from any guy that I've ever been with. I just trust him completely, and I know that he'd be there for me, no matter what."

With things going so well, could Hilton beat girlfriend Nicole Richie to the altar?

"I don't know," Hilton says with a smile, "My life's a lot different now, I'm very much at peace, and I'm so happy, and in control, and so very excited about life."
We're not at all familiar with Benji's songwriting abilities, not being fifteen-year-old mall punks, but we expect that they're not too sophisticated. We're imagining that the song's climax will involve the lines: You are so beautiful, Paris / I love how shiny your hair is. more »
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April 29, 2008

Scarlett Johansson's "Falling Down" Video Will Have You Falling Asleep

scarlett johansson nanny diaries bored.jpg What can we say about Scarlett Johansson's first music video? There are no bright colors to shock your not-fully-awake brain. Um, what else? She obviously made this song for a love of the music, because no one in their right mind would think it's going to be the next "Best of Both Worlds." The only time you could use the word "hit" in conjunction with the song is when you're talking about how your head hit the desk after you fell asleep from boredom. But, hey, for that one person out there whose biggest wish in life is to witness ScarJo's pre-photo-shoot makeup ritual, get out your best ceremonial dagger because your life is complete and it's finally hari kari time. Otherwise, there's not much to recommend, unless you have the stamina to make it all the way to the end, where you will be rewarded with Salman Rushdie nuzzling Scarlett's neck. Why? Because Norman Mailer is dead.



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April 10, 2008

Ray J To Bobby Brown: You Don't Give Good Love

whitney houston says call me.jpg If you are like Serge Gainsbourg (Which, obviously, you are. We can tell by your spot-on rendition of "Lemon Incest."), then you want to crawl into the non-dooty-bubble-containing hole previously visited by Bobby Brown, i.e., Whitney Houston's vagina. And if you ever get that chance, erstwhile Kardashian humper and brother to Brandy Ray J has some tips for you. Page Six tells the tale of two of Whitney's former willies duking it out with the written word:
As the 44-year-old diva with the legendary voice struggles to make her comeback, both of her exes have written scandalous things about her.

Her ex-husband Bobby Brown has come out with a tell-all autobiography, "Being Bobby Brown: The Whole Truth and Nothin' But," in which he details his and Houston's drug use and addresses the rumors of her bi-sexuality.

And now her much younger lover, Ray J, 27, has written a song dissing Brown and detailing his sex life with Houston.

In Ray J's "Boyfriend," off his just-released album, "All I Feel," which debuts this week, Ray J croons, "Is that your wife, is that your shorty, well I'm her boyfriend . . . I think the problem is you don't beat it right . . . Making love is cool, just pull her hair sometimes."

The feeling between Brown and Ray J seems to be mutual. While Ray J is more blatant in his diss, Brown tries to be subtler.

In his book, Brown writes:

"For those of you who want to know, I'm aware of the fact that Whitney had been seeing Ray J, a very young R&B artist who is most famous for being the little brother of Brandy, the multi-platinum singing artist and TV star.

"Their relationship doesn't bother me. She's open to see whoever she wants to see, just like I can see who I want to see. I know the age difference between her and the little guy is 20 years, but to each his own. The only concern I had was how our daughter felt about the age difference. As long as she's cool with it, it's fine by me."

At least Whitney hasn't starred in any sex tape. Ray J shot to national attention after he marketed a sex tape of him and ex-girlfriend Kim Kardashian in flagrante.

After that video was released, with Kardashian's blessings (she also rose to fame on the wings of the tape), Ray J signed a deal with Vivid Entertainment to direct porn.

When he started dating Houston, Ray J would take any opportunity to have a picture with the diva - and friends were concerned their love life would end up on the Internet, as well.
Did Bobby find Jesus or something? That's one of the lamest excuses for an insult we've heard in a long time. Only a love of the lord could turn the Bobby Brown of yore into someone who says "you're so much younger than me" and then congratulates himself with a hardy "Ha ha! Burn! I sure showed him who the man is around here!" I mean, when Zahara and Shiloh are exchanging more heated jibes than a celebrated "bad boy" and a sex-tape star, it's time to send them out to pasture.
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April 03, 2008

Lindsay Lohan Officially Cheap

lindsay lohan with big cup.jpg We're pretty sure that the offers aren't pouring in for Lindsay Lohan at the moment, but it seems that she's not even trying to regain any sort of career. She's accepting low-ball offers and totally f'ing up her music "comeback." (We're pretty sure you have to have some sort of a successful music career to make a comeback, but whatever.) The New York Daily News claims that Lindsay has much more important things to do than meeting with producers. Like waxing. And dying her hair every eight days.
Universal Motown execs are keeping fingers crossed that Lindsay Lohan's new album can be released on time later this year. An insider tells us the volatile young star isn't being overly cooperative with scheduling and has already canceled important meetings with superproducer Timbaland.

"Universal is trying to make her new album a success by lining up great producing talents, and, recently, they even hooked Timbaland. But Lindsay has canceled their planned meetings twice," says the snitch.

Lohan's rep denied that Lindsay had missed meetings, and said that Timbaland had yet to be approached to collaborate on the album.

However, it appears that after a rocky start, singer-songwriter Ne-Yo is still on board. The source said Lindsay had rejected some initial tracks from the star-maker, who has created hits for Rihanna, Usher and Celine Dion. But he is still in talks to work with the rehabbed pop star, and staffers hope that one song will make the cut.
In addition, Linds has agreed to a movie role for the paltry sum of $75,000. According to PR Inside:
LINDSAY LOHAN has reportedly signed to strip naked and play a sex-addicted waitress in a new movie called FLORENCE. Just days after agreeing to portray a member of Charles Manson’s real-life murderous cult in The Manson Girls, Lohan has sealed a deal to star in another controversial movie. Star magazine claims the 21-year-old will be paid just $75,000 (£37,500) for the opportunity to play the edgy character. A source tells the magazine, "She just wants to remind people she can act and she’s worth hiring."
Yeah, we know that to you $75,000 is probably at least three times your annual salary, but we're talking about Lindsay Lohan here. That probably won't even cover the cost of a year's supply of leggings. more »
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March 07, 2008

Jessica Simpson Not Treated Like the Major Movie Star She Thinks She Is

jessica simpson camouflage major movie star.jpg Say you're a movie executive with the Sisyphean task of making money off of a Jessica Simpson joint. You've failed to attract costars of a high caliber, settling on Steve Guttenburg and Vivca A. Fox, and you have the colossal failure of Blonde Ambition staring you in the face, mocking you with chants of "I ruined the careers of at least eighteen people. A couple of them are now working at the In-N-Out on Sunset. What makes you think you're any better?" What ever will you do? Let's see, the movie's about a pampered star who is humbled by a turn in the military. Why not send Jessica to Kuwait on a USO tour and make her sleep in bunk beds with a troupe of female impersonators swathed in black lace? That'll surely sell a couple of hundred tickets at the least, right? Page Six dishes:
WE hope Jessica Simpson doesn't mind shacking up in bunk beds. When the primped and heeled Simpson leaves for Kuwait today with the Pussycat Dolls, we're told the whole crew will be ditching their usual hotel rooms and limos for sleeping bags and bunks. "Jessica will be roughing it," said a source. "They're receiving no special treatment." Simpson, along with the Dolls, the band Disturbed and comic Carlos Mencia, will perform for troops Monday. The show will air live on MySpace.com.
Man, the U.S. military sure has it bad in 2008. During World War II troops were entertained by STARS! They got Frank Sinatra, Judy Garland, The Marx Brothers, Lucille Ball. And today's troops get some blonde reality-TV star, a bunch of fake women, a creepily pierced metal yodeler, and some guy who stole a bunch of jokes from Bill Cosby. Being a soldier these days really is a thankless job.
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February 12, 2008

Britney Spears's Family Dedicated to Her Earning Potential Mental Recovery

britney testing for rain.jpg You know what sounds like a super duper stupendous steller truly awesome idea? Britney Spears going on a world tour. And you know why that sounds like such an excellent idea? Because we are super mean and love pain and suffering. No, that's not true. We only wish the best for Britney; if we were talking about Paris Hilton, we'd be reveling in her pain and suffering. With Britney though, we just hope that the tour makes a stop in Alaska, where Britney will don a parka for the very first time in her life and she'll fall in love with the tundra and decide to move there and become a moose herder or something. Then maybe she'd find peace. But Ma and Pa Kettle, a.k.a. Brit's parents, think touring, a.k.a. probably the thing that made her crazy in the first place, would be perfect for Britney right now. According to Page Six:
IT looks like Britney Spears' family will do anything to get her away from her "friends" Sam Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib - including putting the pill-popping poptard on tour. The buzz at the Grammys was that Spears' newfound focus on her dancing is preparation for a world tour. Britney "will be leaving the country in the next few weeks," a source confided to Page Six. "She'll train in privacy for a month, then go on a global tour."
You know what else would be a really good idea? Have someone knock up Britney so she can go through postpartum depression again. That would be really helpful to her recovery.
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February 11, 2008

Paris Sings, Blings, Take a Verbal Swing

paris_hilton_sings_nip_1.jpgIt's early 2007 all over again: Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are scrappin'! Both of them showed up to Timbaland's pre-Grammy party on Saturday, and, according to our gossip vocal coach, FemaleFirst:
Sources claim Lindsay pointed at Paris and said: "What the hell is that bitch doing here? I didn't know she was on the list."

To which, Paris replied: "Fuck off, you bitch."

Lindsay and Paris were both hoping to convince Timbaland, who has worked with Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado and 50 Cent, to revive their faltering music careers.

A source added to Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper: "Both saw the party as an ideal way of getting him on side - but they didn't count on the other being there."
The skirmish did not come to blows, but we can only imagine that it would look a little like the showdown between Sigourney Weaver and the alien. Though would Paris or Lindsay be the hideous creature oozing toxic, diseased bodily fluids? It's a toss-up.

In other Paris news, denizens of Beantown, take heed: Paris Hilton has descended upon your burg, teeth bared, left eye dripping down her face, and tits a-poppin'. Stash your children down a well and hide your wieners! We have no idea why she was there, but she's armed with a microphone and a low tolerance for pom-tinis. On Thursday night, she showed up at The Estate and, after getting well into her cups, crabbed (we're leaving that typo just as it is, thanks) the microphone and warbled her "hit" "song" "Stars are Blind":



Apparently, stars as deaf as well. And stars are unable to keep their breasts firmly strapped inside their dresses. The one question we have is in regards to that eye-singeingly blingulous watch. Is that a dollar sign? Knowing Paris, those are most likely real diamonds, but does that even matter when it looks like something she picked up at the 33rd St. swap meet along with a fuzzy Scarface blanket and a Betty Boop windshield decal?


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Amy Winehouse Cleans Up, In Several Different Ways

amy_winehouse_sundae.jpgSo the Grammys happened last night. Rihanna performed with Morris Day and the Time, making us think that it was 1984 and we were listening to the 45 of "Jungle Love" on our Goofy record player. Also, Herbie Hancock won Album of the Year, making us think that it was 1982 and we were laughing, mouth full of Fruit Wrinkles, at his funny robot leg video before switching the channel to Shirt Tales. In addition, Amy Winehouse won a bunch of stuff, thanked "my Blake, incarcerated" like a straight thug boo should, and appeared lucid, charming, non-slurry, sober, and pretty with-it, making us think it was . . . what year was Amy Winehouse last sober? Let's see, she was born in 1983, made her first album in 2003, hm . . . da da da, carry the two, square root of . . . (frantically counting on fingers) . . . 1989? OK, so we just picked a completely arbitrary year, whatever, we just wanted a chance to revisit Skidz. And Michel'le.

Egotastic! is teeming with Grammy red carpet pics, so have a look.
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February 05, 2008

50 Cent Makes Paris Hilton Cry

paris hilton cries boohoo.jpg That 50 Cent is a smart man. He's somehow found a way to be a "hard" "gangsta" and still have white, suburban, middle-aged moms say, "Oh, I love that Fiddy, he's so charming." He made enough cash off of a beverage deal to keep his great-great-great-great grandkids in floor-length chinchilla coats and doorags. And he has a disdain for Paris Hilton, like all sensible humans should. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
Rap superstar 50 Cent kicked Paris Hilton offstage and reduced her to tears during a pre-Super Bowl concert on Thursday.

Hilton hosted the bash for 944 magazine in Scottsdale, Ariz., and was stunned when the headliner turned on her.

The two star attractions have been romantically linked in the past, but there was no love lost when Hilton tried to steal the show.

After 50 Cent name checked her during his performance, Hilton climbed onstage to dance, but was promptly told to "Get the [bleep] off the stage" by the angry star.

Onlookers tell Page Six the outburst prompted Hilton to break down in tears, which was captured on film by photographers at the event.
We see that picture up there of Paris crying, but we still don't buy this. It would mean that Paris could not only detect when someone was being shitty to her, but also that she has feelings. And we'd always assumed that someone could spit in her face and call her a goat-fucking whore and she'd still think they wanted her autograph. At least that's what happened when WE spit in Paris's face and called her a goat-fucking whore. We still have the autographed 8x10 hanging next to our desk: "Deer CelbNewWyre, You're hot! XOXO Paris".

Find more pics of Paris trying to steal Fiddy's thunder at The Superficial.
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January 08, 2008

Jenny from the Sty

mariah_air_quotes.jpgPoor Jennifer Lopez, her twin-riddled gut growing to previously unchartered proportions, will be none to pleased to hear what our personal God, Mariah Carey, has said about her. Apparently, Inside Hollywood asked Mimi if she would ever be interested in performing a duet with Lopez, and Mariah gleefully spat back:
"I'd rather be on stage with a pig! A duet with Jennifer Lopez and me just ain't gonna happen."
Actually, having Mariah onstage with a pig would be pretty charming, like a much more glittery and fabulous version of Charlotte's Web. Mimi can be a latter-day Fern, in pigtails and a halter top exposing her spray-on abs, while J. Lo ruts around in a pen in the corner under a large, blinged-out spiderweb that intermittently spells out stuff like "SOME HARPY" and "RADIANT CRONE".
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December 12, 2007

Lindsay Goes Where Britney's Vagina Has Gone Before

lindsay lohan and jr rotem 1.jpg Remember how much hope we had for Britney Spears after she de-Federlined? We thought she'd return to her svelte, snake-dancing ways and everything would be wonderful. Recently we've had similar thoughts about Lindsay Lohan, hoping that she's really ditched the coke and will star in Mean Girls 2: My Boobs Are Fetch and we can have another ninety minutes of the amazing Lo-cans on film. But we're beginning to suspect that Lindsay is on a Britney-like path and things can only get worse. What makes us think this? The fact that Brit's downfall came shortly after working with and porking producer J.R. Rotem, who is currently producing Lindsay's next album. And by the looks of these pics, he may be weaseling his way into her panties as well. And while a(nother) Lindsay beav-flash-athon followed by a public head shaving and SUV umbrella assault would be amusing, we don't think our fragile heart can take a revisitation of such events.

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December 05, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: The People vs. Teri's Piehole

terieww.jpgTeri Hatcher is being sued over lip gloss. The American justice system: serious business. (CelebTV)

Heather Mills (McCartney) shows off her strawberry fields, forever. Do you wanna hold her glands? You might have a hard day's night, though she appears to be giving everyone a ticket to ride, so let's all come together, etc. etc. and so forth. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

Cindy Crawford has cellulite. Whatever, like you wouldn't still masturbate with her discarded Kleenex. (Egotastic!)

Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty are making beautiful drugs together. No, wait, we mean beautiful drugs. Shit, not drugs, drugs. Ack! Beautiful music, is what we mean. Wait, no. No, we did mean drugs. (Yeeeah!)

Paris Hilton gets new lips; looks even more like Alice the Goon. (Derek Hail)

Megan Fox does the old Uncle Joey "cut! it! out!" (Cityrag)

John Maya is a str8 playa. (Daily Stab)

Scarjo did not chop up her nose, and if you say so, she will sue your ass. (Celebitchy)

Hayden Panettiere dons the 1989 soccer shorts; shows us her pegs. Make some sort of "score" or "goal" joke here, please. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Porn star Mary Carey is auctioning off her recently removed breast implants. A "portion" of the proceeds will go to the Susan G. Komen breast cancer foundation. The rest of the proceeds will go towards abusive puppy mills, toddler sweatshops, and terrorism. (The Blemish)

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November 06, 2007

Spice Girls Want to Deliver Posh to Your Italian Grandma

501090834_af441e0d78.jpgFriends are worried that during the upcoming Spice Girls tour, Posh Spice's brittle baby bird legs will give out under the weight of her comically rotund chesticle implants, turning her patellae to dust and rendering her unable to ever don Louboutin pumps again. Woe! So the burnt umber Brit has been ordered to gain weight via a nutritionally dense diet. According to The Mirror:
Sources close to the band are worried that Posh is too thin for the gruelling dates, which kick off in December. So, as a result, she's been put on a spinach-rich diet to increase her stamina and energy.

As well as gorging on the green stuff - famous for giving strength to cartoon character Popeye - she has been asked to eat more carbohydrates, with bowls of brown rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

We're told: "Vic is under orders to have at least five small meals a day, to get her body prepared for the tour. She isn't too happy about the plan but understands that it's necessary if she's to stay healthy and not burn out over the coming months."
If fairy tales have taught us anything--and they've taught us plenty, like that poor people live inside giant novelty shoes and dwarves make good friends--it's that gaining weight is super easy. Just get a witch to keep you inside a cage and force-feed you carbs in preparation for your ass getting stuffed with figs and bread and roasted like a Christmas Goose. more »
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October 31, 2007

People Are Still Trying to Make Britney Spears Do Stuff, Failing

britney sleeps in car.jpg We've been thinking about taking a vacation to escape from insane minutia of the life of Britney Spears, but after searching far and wide we cannot find one single location that is Spears free. We hear that even Marlon Brando's private island gets a dial-up, basic cable, and an Us Weekly subscription. So unless she's decides to go the Howard Hughes route and lock herself up in a room with a bunch of empty pissing bottles, we're just going to have to deal with it. We will never be free of the Spears. more »
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September 10, 2007

2007 VMAs = Very Mundane Awards

beyonce gold dress glittery.jpg So the VMAs were last night. And in between stifled yawns and many, many glasses of Arbor Mist (it's like juice--but with booze!), we made a few observations. First, Beyoncé's boobs are really jiggly. Sarah Silverman is still not funny just because she's mean (AND she has now made us feel sympathy for Paris Hilton TWICE, and for that she must pay). We are old and completely out of touch and have no idea who this Chris Brown fellow is, but boy can dance (though he can't lip sync worth a damn). Kid Rock and Tommy Lee need to chill the fuck out; we're sure Pammy would still screw them both so there's no need to fight over who gets the privilege. Some people were walking around with little silver statues, but we're not sure why; maybe they were cool new accessories, like Kanye West's sunglasses. Dr. Dre looked like he shopped for his awards-show duds in the closet of either Hans or Franz. Rihanna's dress was really, really tight and her hair was inexplicably awesome. rihanna pink dress vmas.jpg
Paris Hilton's dress was really, really tight and her hair was explicably horrendous--but still a lovely tribute to Florence Henderson.
paris hilton leopard dress vmas.jpg
The part of Jennifer Garner was filled by her Madame Tussaud's wax figure--and had really awful hair.
jennifer garner vmas.jpg
And we feel like there was something else we were going to mention. God. What was it? There is nothing left in our head concerning last night's awards ceremony. Did something else happen? We just can't remember.
more »
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September 05, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Floatation Devices

pamela_anderson_bikini_sept_5_big.jpgPam Anderson as you've never seen her before: half naked and covered in frothy white liquid. No, wait, you've seen her like that plenty of times. (Hollywood Tuna)

Gwen Stefani is all "I call a foul! Hand-checking!" and then blows her whistle. (Yeeeah!)

Maggie Gyllenhaal is part Stevie Nicks, part Vampira, part Norma Desmond in the new ads for Agent Provocateur. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

Nicole Kidman cops to miscarriage and secret engagement. She should also cop to having red pubes. Admit it! Tell us the truth! (Allie Is Wired)

Jude Law was arrested for assaulting a photographer. Oh, come on. Jude Law? He probably just gave the man a feeble, limp-wristed slap and then adjusted his foppish ascot. (The Blemish)

Matt Dillon keeps unibrow; shaves down nose. (Cityrag)

• What's that up Paris Hilton's skirt? Is it a prize? Do we win a prize? Is it bigger than a breadbox? (Drunken Stepfather)

• And Maria Sharapova is like, "Upskirt? I'll show YOU upskirt. Fools." (Taxi Driver)

Spiderman takes a bride. (Celebitchy)

• Jerry Lewis talks about a bundle of sticks. That's what he's talking about, right? (GlossLip)

• Hate your ears? Then check out these new Britney Spears "songs"! (Derek Hail)

Drew Barrymore makes out with the Macintosh Man. Man, that's like Cameron Diaz necking with a Geico caveman. Or Penelope Cruz hitting the sheets with the "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell" guy. (Yes, we realize that Justin Long has done other crap besides these commercials, so cool out, man) (ONTD)

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August 30, 2007

Britney Spears Will Be Beamed Into Your Home. Hide the Little Debbies

britlauer.jpgAll of Britney's hard work during the past few weeks--the Federfights, the free-swinging glutes, the baby boozing, the puppy-bashing--these were all hors d'oevres before the main course: the VMAs! America's Sweetfart is preparing to make her triumphant, gallumphant return to MTV. US Weekly reports:
“She’s planning it to be a big comeback performance,” says a Spears insider, who adds that the goal is to make it “shocking.” One early idea that was canned? Performing “My Prerogative” amid a medley of hits, as images of exes Justin Timberlake, 26, and Kevin Federline, 29, and other gossip fodder flashed on a screen behind her. As for a report that she’d do a duet with Timberlake? “Totally, patently false,” says a Timberlake source.
After taking a Lady Remington to her skull and then going three rounds with an SUV while brandishing an umbrella, there are few things Britney could do to top herself in the "shocking" category. Maybe by spending some cheddar on a quality wig. Or wearing a well-fitting dress. Yeah, a well-fitting dress without any buffalo wing sauce on it. That would do it. America would be outraged! more »
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August 22, 2007

Britney Spears Shocker: She F's up Her Career (Again)

britney wears big belt.jpg When are you people going to learn? Britney Spears does not want to come back to anything! She likes living in a crumbling house of squalor littered with dirty diapers, regurgitated Milk Bones, greasy White Castle wrappers, and maybe a few forgotten nannies' bodies. If she somehow recaptures her past success, then hard work will have to follow. Hard work is for poor people. And Britney ain't poor yet. Duh. Page Six relays Brit's latest missed opportunity:
Britney Spears backed out at the last minute from recording a duet with her old flame, Justin Timberlak