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The Hollywood poop.
filed under: Mischa Barton
July 18, 2008
Mischa Barton Takes ShirtOFF for NylON
Hi, I'm Mischa Barton. You might remember me from such CelebNewsWire stories as "Puff Puff Pass Bust Oops", "Poke-a-hot-ass Boots", "Hey, Here's My Ass", and "Just Try O.B. and You'll See". You've seen me pretty naked around here. The wind blowing my skirt up, my T&A in Closing the Ring, and the nip slips, my God, the nip slips! So it comes as no surprise that I am topless in the new issue of Nylon. Sure, my nipples are obscured by a thick swath of fashion's priciest denim, in vest form, but hey, that means these CNW people don't have to hide me under a cut, right? Stare, my minions. Stare into my chestal region. Stare, and you shall forget all about my weedy missteps and the fact that the largest, leatheriest, swinginest ballbag in America used to often rest upon my clavicle. 
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June 13, 2008
Mischa Barton: Boots n' Boobs
It appears that when one's accessories become the crux of the outfit, as Mischa Barton's staggeringly hilarious boots, laden with swingy gewgaws, have, one must dispense of more necessary parts of the outfit. Like a bra. Like Sacajawea leading Lewis and Clark across the American West, Mischa leads us into unknown and unchartered land--sartorial hideousness. As Sacajawea ended up immortalized on a golden coin, so Mischa Barton's nipples too become immortalized in your masturbatory fantasies. Coin, spank bank, same thing.
May 29, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Hopelessly Devoted to Food
Britney might star in Grease on Broadway. Well, she's certainly got the "grease" part down. (Daily Stab) Mischa Barton is refusing to promote her t.a.t.u. movie. Wonder why. (IDLYITW)
Thank God for Lindsay Lohan's relationship with Samantha Ronson, for it keeps Michael Lohan in the news! (Yeeeah!)
Scarlett Johansson. Naked in a pool. (Egotastic!)
As Hilary Duff's veneers have shrunk, so has her rack inflated. It's magic! (Cityrag)
Mariah Carey dons her most Mimi-est of rags to kick off Japanese baseball season. Man, what a weird sentence. (Drunken Stepfather)
Pamela Anderson returns to form with the best upskirt she can muster. (Taxi Driver)
Angelina and Brad let their children do whatever while they dunk their sleek, genetically superior forms nakedly into their pool. (The Blemish)
Naomi Campbell to trade glamour for the slammer. (Celebitchy)
Bill Murray's wife says he's a drunk and a stoner and a cheater and a beater. B-b-buh . . . but . . . he's the voice of Garfield! (PopCrunch)
May 06, 2008
Mischa Barton Sunbathes Topless; Laughs in Face of Aussie Ozone Hole
We'd love to share uncensored Mischa Barton topless pictures with you. Honest we would. Unfortunately, we cribbed these ones from Egotastic and they appear to have stars over her junk. Which probably comes as a relief to the old Mischa--who's vacationing in Australia--for she is none too pleased about the pics having been taken in the first place. She told the Sydney Morning Herald:
"We went out from Hamilton to a tiny island to relax in the sun and all of a sudden [paparazzo] Jamie Fawcett jumped out of a bush with a massive camera lens and took photos of me. He'd followed us in a boat! He's a ridiculous human being. I've never abhorred anyone more. I was so angry I went up to him and said how disappointed I was with his behaviour. He apologised but he was very insincere."We're used to English media outlets Britishizing (Britishising?) American stars' quotes (and yes, we're aware that Mischa was born in England, but she was raised in America and is for all intents and purposes American), but this is the first example we've seen of Australia doing something similar. Although we would prefer it if they get a bit more Oz with it. "G'day! Me and my betties went to Hamilton to toss about the ole boomie and play some dij, and all of a sudden [paparazzo] Jamie Fawcett jumped out from behind a marsupial and took photos of me. What a larrikin! He's a ridiculous ocker. Throw another shrimp on the barbie that's not a knife this is a knife Yahoo Serious just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich OY! "
Here's some more pictures of Mischa so you all can talk about how her cellulite grosses you out and how you totally "wouldn't hit that butterface without triple-bagging it brraaahhh" or whatever it is you gorgeous and charming folks say in situations such as these.
April 29, 2008
Holey Shirt, Mischa!
Mischa Barton is known for several things. She's known for her terrible taste in men, her extremely pretty Breck girl hair, and her questionable sartorial taste. Mischa is currently in Sydney for the MTV Australia Awards and was snapped showing off the three things for which she is known (minus the gross guy part). It appears that at present, Mischa is taking her MTV duties seriously by taking fashion cues from the most popular music videos of the early to mid 1980s. Is that bra-baring shirt more reminiscent of the lady who crawls up the stairs in Ratt's "Round and Round" or Pat Benatar's toilet-paper skirt from "Love is a Battlefield"? You half expect her to bust out a shoulder-wiggling dance and throw a drink in the face of a guy with a gold tooth. We arrrrrre strong!
April 24, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: A Whole Bundch of Side Boob
Gisele gifts us with the side of her supermodel superbooble. (Drunken Stepfather) All hail the Poshycat Doll. (Daily Stab)
Kids, heed the sad tale of Naomi Campbell's hairline: weave abuse leads to baldness. (Yeeeah!)
Rihanna has a crotch that emits mystical hot pink beams! (Cityrag)
More Mischa Barton titty buttons from Closing the Ring. Now with video! (Egotastic!)
Julia Roberts stinks. (FemaleFirst)
Julianne Moore shows Moore of herself. Namely, nipples. (Fatback)
Billie Piper flashed a peck of freckled poppers. (Hollywood Tuna)
Amy Winehouse spends a night being dainty and demure. (CelebWarship)
Miley Cyrus in a typical MySpace picture pose. I.e., with exposed underwear. (Pop Crunch)
April 10, 2008
Weed, It Does a Body Good
Mischa Barton: new projects! New boyfriend! And no time spent on a chain gang anytime soon, thanks to a DUI plea bargain! How does a modern gal celebrate such an upswing in her life? By getting some new honey-colored hair extensions and hitting the beach in a bikini. We can assume from these photographs that Mischa's time spent rolling fat J's and sparking up the gravity bong was well-spent. Perhaps when it comes to trimming and toning a body to taut perfection, these science brainiacs are barking up the wrong tree with their Hoodia. It's weed we should be looking at. Over the counter weed capsules. Weed pill infomercials. "30 Days to Your Dream Body Through Cheeba." Everyone in the world will be looking as fit as Mischa. Of course, worldwide productivity will take a nosedive. But on the bright side, sales of Zizzle Zounds will skyrocket. 
(Images via Pacific Coast News, or, as the watermark says, "Pacfic Coast News")
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April 08, 2008
Mischa Cops a Plea
Shiny-haired, T.a.T.u.-finding thespian Mischa Barton will not be stamping license plates, eating 50 eggs, magically curing Tom Hanks of his bladder infection, or any other jailhouse cliche we've learned from movies anytime soon. It seems that she's copped a plea in her DUI/drug possession case. Reports TMZ:
O.C. wanna been Mischa Barton has decided to take a plea bargain in her DUI case clever girl that one.Now if only there existed such a thing as a Dating Racists and/or Men With Silly Putty Ballbags: Is It Right For Me? education class, Mischa would be all set, and ne'er would she press a scrotum to the funny pages again. more »
A source tells TMZ that at her court date on Thursday shell plead no contest to the DUI charge. In exchange, the marijuana charge will be dropped and the driving without a license rap will be reduced to an infraction.
Greasys ex-GF will then have to serve three years of unsupervised probation, attend an alcohol education class and pay a fine.
A source tells us this is fairly standard for a first-time offender like Miss Mischa, who was arrested last December, adding that shes learned her lesson."
March 17, 2008
Mischa Barton Opens Clothes, Closes Ring
Mischa Barton might be a longhaired hesher who rips bowl hits from a Coke can, but you know what she isn't? She isn't a liar. And she isn't an Indian giver. When Mischa says that she is going to pull out her damp and pink pieces in a movie, you best believe that what you're hearing is Real Talk. A couple of weeks ago, we wrote about Mischa claiming to be getting naked in Closing the Ring, and today, by God, pictures and clips are here! Safely tucked away on the second page of this entry like a dyed-green tub of MGD in a frat guy's belly. Click "more" to tickle his metaphorical uvula with a mylar shamrock garland and have him erupt Mischa nudity all over his vertically-striped shirt. more »
March 11, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Weird and Scary
Ashley Olsen thinks paparazzi are "weird and scary". Also, paparazzi thinks Ashley Olsen is "weird and scary". (Female First) Kate Beckinsale does Anna Karina for Mean magazine. Eat your tits out, Lohan-as-Marilyn! (Popbytes)
Kate Moss models. She doesn't model clothes, though, since it seems she's not wearing any. (Egotastic!)
Mischa Barton's recent DUI charges haven't affected the buoyant spirits of her side boob much. (Taxi Driver)
Star Jones is set to divorce husband Al Reynolds, because she "felt Al had spent their marriage riding her success while she did all the heavy lifting". Either that, or Al spent their marriage riding hot, oiled-up dudes who look like they do a lot of heavy lifting. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
Some yahoo called 911 on Heather Locklear and told them she was going to kill herself. Denise Richards, you prankster. (CelebWarship)
Heath Ledger never updated his will to include Michelle Williams or baby Matilda. (Celebridiot)
Button, button, who's got the button? Patricia Heaton sure doesn't. WTF? (Drunken Stepfather)
Jenna Jameson dresses up as Bettie Page for PETA. "I'd rather get donkey-punched after ATM than wear fur!" makes for a pleasant catchphrase. (The Blemish)
Janet Jackson has been hospitalized with the flu. Much more plausible than "Exhaustion", to be sure. (I'm Not Obsessed)
Rebecca Romijn's lettuce heads. They're ripe, they're healthy, they're shilling for mall-slut store Bebe! (Popoholic)
March 03, 2008
Mischa Barton No Longer Toking, Still De-Cloaking
Mischa Barton, of the lovely bone structure and the love of toking sweet fatties when it's 4:20, is not a fool. She knows that her post-O.C. work has not really set the world alight (Finding t.a.t.u., anyone?), so she's blinding us with nudity. This is a move we can stand behind. Get it? Behind? Oho, that's rich. Not only do we see Mischa mams in the upcoming Assassination of a High School President, she is apparently giving some Barton butt-on in the WWII drama Closing the Ring. Quoth the Meesh:
"You do see me topless in that film. I would never do full body but I did let [director] Richard Attenborough get a brief behind shot as well."I take it project by project. In [The OH in Ohio] it was really necessary. You don't see full boobs or anything. I was wearing underwear. I don't mind nudity. I just don't do it that often." In addition to being an Oscar-winner, a beknighted Brit, and a classically-trained Shakespearean actor, that wily Sir Richard Attenborough is also a camera ninja, stealing around under cover of night to stealthily capture a shot of Mischa Barton's ass. We hear he tried the same approach when filming Ghandi in 1982 but Ben Kingsley was onto his guerrilla buns-nabbing tactics. Which is why Ben Kingsley now has a Julia Roberts-esque no nudity clause in his contract, that minxy little tease. more »
February 27, 2008
Mischa Barton Charged with Stoniness
Yesterday, the LAPD announced that they have officially charged wacky weed-loving scofflaw Mischa Barton with DUI and marijuana possession. Thank God they got this hardened criminal off the streets! Imagine a SWAT team forcing down Mischa's door with a battering ram, charging past her giant blacklight posters of Bob Marley smoking a fattie and a hippie bus that reads Funkengruven, to shackle her and drag her off to a cold, damp cell. People reports:
Mischa Barton has been charged with driving under the influence and possession of marijuana, stemming from her arrest in December, police announced Tuesday.Poor Mischa. So behind the trends. Getting popped for drinking, drugging, and driving? So last season. All the hep cats are checking into the psych ward! Erratic driving is a nice start, to be sure, but to truly be a Beau Brummel, baby, you need a little borderline personality disorder in lieu of kind bud. Prada's Fall 08 must-have bag even features whimsical Depakote buttons and a clever hidden pocket for your travel shock treatment kit. Fierce.
The former star of The O.C. was also charged with driving without a valid license. Her arraignment on the misdemeanor charges is set for Thursday in Beverly Hills Superior Court.
January 22, 2008
Mischa Barton Assassinates Her Clothing in Assassination of a High School President
Mischa Barton has been an elusive scamp in recent years, flashing a booby here, a fanny there, but then laughing in our faces, saying, "Haha loser, look at my pasties, look at my flesh-toned undies." But just yesterday Mischa loosened her morals--then loosened her shirt--at Sundance, where her new film, Assassination of a High School President, debuted. In the film she spends over ten minutes in a bathtub, where we see Mischa's meatballs three times. And we're not talking some fleeting little flapjack flash, either; we've got clear cajooblie views here. This makes the second Mischa nude scene that's making the festival circuit, after Closing the Ring opened at the Toronto fest. Naturally we take our knocker rumors with a grain of salt until we see photographic evidence, but these reports are promising, so until we can sneak our night-vision camera into a screening, use your imagination. What, did you think it was there to conjure up theories about what mysteries will be revealed in the new season of Lost? No, dummy, it's there for conceptualizing chest canons.
December 28, 2007
CNW Holiday Junk Drawer: 'Tis the Season to Be Drunky
Please allow these links to tide you over until January 2, when we will be hangover-free and ready to devote ourselves to bringing you nipple slips and Tinseltown fetuses once again. Mischa Barton got arrested for DUI and drug possession. Way to be Scrooges, cops. (TMZ)
Fergie is engaged! To a man, even! Flossy, flossy. (A Socialite's Life)
Jessica Alba is also engaged. Awwww, now her baby won't be a bastard. Cute! (Derek Hail)
Robin Wright and Sean Penn are not engaged, however. In fact, they are getting a divorce. Perhaps she finally got a glimpse of him in the cold hard light of day. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
Et tu, Brendan Fraser and wife? Oh, Encino Man, why can't you and your onion field hair plugs make love last? (Celebitchy)
The sirer of Jamie Lynn Spears's unborn doohicky might not be Casey Aldridge. It might, instead, be Kevin Federline. Juuuuuust kidding, it's some old dude. (Yeeeah!)
Gaze upon these photos of Nicollette Sheridan in a bikini and be revived. And then note sadly that Michael Bolton is the master of that body, and shrivel, groaning in pain. (Drunken Stepfather)
Sharon Stone trots out those nips for a trip around the block. (Celeb Warship)
Lindsay Lohan might as well face it, she's addicted to dong. (Egotastic!)
Leelee Sobieski. TeeTee Boobichesti. (The Blemish)
December 14, 2007
Mischa Barton Enters Virgin Territory, Possibly Nude Territory
It seems that all you need to do is mention that you haven't seen someone in a while and then they won't leave you the hell alone. We wondered about the whereabouts of Mischa Barton, and now she's on the cover of every damn magazine and she's showing up all over the place. We wonder if the same tactic would work with Emmanuel Lewis. If today we talk about how we haven't seen him in a long time, tomorrow will we see video of him being rejected from Hyde on TMZ? Anyway, back to Mischa. Remember when she was all, "I hate TV! I want to be a moooovie stahhhhh" and jaunted off to Italy to desecrate classic literature with Hayden Christensen? Yeah, that was a long time ago; it's OK if you forgot. It seems that Misch and Hay's immaculately acted version of The Decameron, Virgin Territory, may actually hit a movie screen sometime in the next decade. And it's gonna involve the erotic milking of a cow. Take a look: Wow. That's a lot of man ass. And a lot of anachronistic cleavage. And there's definitely a naked female ass in there, but it goes by too quick to tell if it's Mischa's or not. But speaking of nudity, our gossip milkmaid, FemaleFirst, brings us this quote from Ms. Mischa:
And thus concludes the portion of today's broadcast in which we yell at an actress for not showing us her boobies. Thank you for your patience. We will now reward you with pictures of Mischa in her underwear, via Egotastic!
"I don't mind nudity. I just don't do it that often. It depends on the film and if I trust the director and if the context is emotional or just sexual."Sure, sure Mischa, we'll believe you--when you show us some damn titties! We've heard this same line before from every skingy actress in Hollywood. We heard it from Jessica Simpson just three days ago. And it doesn't mean anything unless you take off your damn top.
And thus concludes the portion of today's broadcast in which we yell at an actress for not showing us her boobies. Thank you for your patience. We will now reward you with pictures of Mischa in her underwear, via Egotastic!
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December 07, 2007
Mischa Barton's Boobs: Reaching for the Stars (or at Least Her Chin)
Recently we wondered what the hell had happened to Mischa Barton. Had her new brunette 'do made her invisible? Had she gotten so wrapped up in Finding t.A.T.u. that she decided to stay in Russia and find herself a teenage faux lesbian lover? (We're pretty sure that last one is unlikely, as she already tried it with Olivia Wilde with little success. Minus Russia, of course.) Does being contractually obligated to wear Keds every single day spur on urges to hole yourself up in the reading room of your local library reading Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm? But then we stumbled upon these pictures of Mischa shilling some completely vile peep-toed wedge Keds and suddenly we knew what had happened to her: She's spent the past year in front of a full-length mirror with a couple rolls of electrical tape and some adhesive bra cups trying to figure out to give herself some titties. And, by George, we think she's got it! She's like the boob-obsessed version of Thomas Edison. 'Cause she invented bazooms . . . where there were no bazooms . . . on her chest. Or something. And someone please tell us how her entire left nipple is keeping covered in that last pic. Because that dress is pulled down so low, we almost expect to see some pubic hair.
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November 30, 2007
Mischa Barton Appears Again, and So Does Her Nippo
Just yesterday, we noticed a strange, Mischa Barton-shaped hole in our hearts. Once upon a dream, her luscious, bouncy tresses and menstrual blood-speckled yoga pants were a permanent fixture in the media, but the past few months have been bleakly Bartonless, as she's been filming straight-to-video releases in Eastern Europe. Just like Wesley Snipes! Now Mischa is planning to vault herself back into the spotlight, via some brief Arena magazine nipple. Just like Wesley Snipes! No.more »
October 18, 2007
Mischa Barton Is Finding t.A.T.u., Finding t.I.T.T.y.
Have you been listening to your collection of Russian import t.A.T.u. CDs imagining Mischa Barton using her tongue to scrape clean the tonsils of another hot nubile? Would you settle for a little hand holding and a peck on the lips that gets cut woefully short by a prudish tease of a film editor? Then check out the trailer for Finding t.A.T.u. at Egotastic and make September 17, 2007
Mischa Barton's Closing the Ring and Opening Her Shirt
We've had our hearts broken so many times by Natalie Portman's empty promises of nakedness that we must take the following story with a few dozen shakers worth of salt, especially since Mischa Barton herself was once supposed to be naked in The OH in Ohio, and ended up giving up nothing but underwear and a lousy pair of tit stickers. But according to recapped.com:
Mischa Barton has two nude scenes early on in Closing the Ring.Either Mischa decided that we've already seen all up in her biz for free, or, more likely, she just wants to prove once and for all that a year of being pummeled by a pair of tetherball-sized testicles has left her lower torso no worse for the wear. Cheers. more »
In the first, Mischa straddles her future husband while in their unfinished house. Mischa then lowers her dress and we see her breasts from the side. We get several more views of Mischas breasts as they have sex. There is no roof on the house and it is during the day so the scene is well lit.
A little later Mischa is nude in a dark room. We see her ass from behind for a few seconds as she is deep in thought. Mischa then turns around and we get a great look at her breasts.
September 12, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Fetuses and Weave Fits
Mischa Barton becomes Mrs. Roper. (Derek Hail) Joe Francis wants Vanessa Hudgens to sign a deal with Girls Gone Wild. "Lucrative and record-breaking Disney franchise, or cokehead in a jail cell?" Her mind must be a veritable cacophony of tumult right now! (WWTDD)
Faulkner. Hemingway. Didion. Joyce. Tommy Lee. (IDLYITW)
Jennifer Lopez fetuswatch 09/07 begins. (The Blemish)
And speaking of fetuses, Posh Spice is starting to look like one after an hour of broasting in a cajun marinade. (Hollywood Tuna)
Stacy's mom has got an upskirt goin' on. (Taxi Driver)
We'd never seen a praying mantis that likes reverse cowgirl until we saw these pictures of Jenna Jameson's plastiface. (Evil Beet)
Britney Spears does not suffer Ken Paves gladly, and a Ken Paves wielding faux hair never. (Celeb Warship)
AND! She's a Brit . . . house. Forget the poon, THIS is quite a spread. (Allie Is Wired)
Heath Ledger hits the party scene to celebrate his newfound single status, as well as the last clinging remains of his hair. (Celebrity Mound)
September 11, 2007
Mischa Barton Pops One Out for the Children
As her work on the harrowing, brilliant drama Finding t.A.T.u. comes to a close, Mischa Barton shows off what she's learned from filming. And that's how to be Russian and don a pleated plaid skirt while faux scissoring your bandmate. No, actually, we're just talking about nipples. Showin' 'em, you see. more »
August 08, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: All Upskirts and Boobs Edition
Robert Rodriguez is awfully proud of dating Rose McGowan's nipples. (Hollywood Tuna) Still puttin' the "ghey" in "McConaughey", Matty M is laying some serious pipe in those Old Navy cargo shorts. (Allie Is Wired)
Charlize Theron ain't gonna let a little thing like her beans get in the way of donning a bikini. (The Blemish)
Gwen Stefani is afraid that her son is going to bite her tits clean off. (FemaleFirst)
Britney sideswiped some dude's car, and then popped a squat to survey the damage. But the real damage is her to'-up upskirt view. Ooooh, high five, girlfriends! So bitchy! (Drunken Stepfather)
If that ain't enough for you, here's some Britney pantaloons. (Cityrag)
The beautiful Lauryn Hill is bringing Skidz back, at long last! (Socialite's Life)
Denise Richards and Chuckles Sheen: still in hate. Story now with 100% more semen. (Celebitchy)
Mischa Barton (remember her?) dyes hair; eats food. (Celeb Warship)
Eva Herzigova shows what's Herzigunda her dress. (Taxi Driver)
June 22, 2007
T.A.T.U. You: Mischa Barton Lesbian Flick
Wow, leaving The O.C. was a really awesome move on Mischa Barton's part, because her career is shooting straight through the stratosphere! Her next role: teenage Russian lesbian into t.A.T.u.! Says Variety:
Mischa Barton will star in Roland Joffe's Russian coming-of-age drama Finding t.A.T.u, which starts shooting in Moscow later this month, reports Variety.Based on a book, even! Poor Russia. t.A.T.u. is kinda the only thing they've got. It's like how Roxette was so revered in Sweden that they were on a stamp (not kidding). In slightly more cheerful news, this really paves the way for our screenplay about a lonely American backpacker in Canada finding homoerotic love with another guy after they meet on a Deep Blue Something bootleg trade message board.
The movie is adapted from the novel "t.A.T.u come back" by Russian writer A. Mitrofanov.
Set against a background of music, Internet chatrooms and hedonistic Russian nightlife, it's the story of a lonely American teenager in Moscow who becomes friends with a local girl over their shared obsession with pop band t.A.T.u.
After the cut, see who Mischa's mashin' mouths with. more »
May 30, 2007
Nicole Richie Skips Burgers, Spends Entire Party Budget on Booze
Try as she might, Nicole Richie just doesn't possess the patriotic three-day-weekend spirit. Holiday weekends aren't just about drinking until one of your friends ends up in the hospital; they're also about eating massive quantities of grillables and potato salad and BBQ buffalo chips. To her, eating four Baked Lays may seem like totally pigging out and warrant a four-hour stint on the elliptical the next day, but she's got nothing on your uncle Earl's Monday goal of polishing off four entire packages of beer brats before dusk. Uncle Earl really loves America. more »