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filed under: Michelle Rodriguez

April 17, 2008

Michelle Rodriguez on Banging Bitches

It has long been rumored that Lost/Bloodrayne star Michelle Rodriguez enjoys snacking on the loins of the fairer sex. Pretty much everyone assumes that she's a lesbian, but she's never officially come out, and don't expect her to do so anytime soon. In an interview with Latina magazine, Michelle opened her mouth and blasted us with a hot, fiery dose of ~~vulva breath~~ bile in regards to people speculating about her sexuality:

"I don't answer those questions. I just keep it to myself and it's nobody's business. If I want to fuck a girl, a boy, a dog - that's my business. That's why there are bathroom doors.

"What the majority of people want to know is what I'm doing with my vagina, and I think that's sick. What do you care who I'm dating? I can tell when somebody just wants to know about sex. And it makes me sick.

"I picture those people turning into pigs, slime coming out the side of their mouth, and I picture them jerking off."

Listen, Michelle Rodriguez. Just because you and your canine partner enjoy your copulation behind the romantic confines of these fancy "bathroom doors" you're so keen on and we're stuck here alone in our pens, rubbing our genitals with our hooves, man, that doesn't make you better than us. more »

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October 11, 2007

Michelle Rodriguez "Punished" with All-Girl Lockup

We've finally figured out the logic of celebrity jail sentences in L.A.--the length of your sentence is in direct correlation to your rug-munching experience. Nicole Richie probably made out with a chick to appease her dealer back in her shooting up days, but nothing more: 82 minutes in the clink. Paris Hilton has dabbled in the Sapphic when there wasn't a big Greek penis in the vicinity, and occasionally caught her girly groping on camera: 23 days behind bars. Michelle Rodriguez (allegedly) likes the labia so damn much she can't even pronounce the word penis: it's six months locked in a cell with another very, very bad girl for her. People reports:

Michelle Rodriguez was sentenced Wednesday to six months in jail for violating probation in a DUI case.

"[She] admitted violating her probation by failing to provide proof of completion of her community service and for consuming alcohol three times while wearing an alcohol-monitoring device," said the L.A. City Attorney's office in a statement.

The Lost star must report to a Los Angeles County jail by Dec. 24.

Superior Court Judge Daviann L. Mitchell also ruled that the actress is not to be granted an early release, despite L.A.'s jail overcrowding. She was also ordered to complete 30 days of road clean-up duty.

The City Attorney's office had alleged that Rodriguez turned in a false document showing that she completed one day of service on Sept. 25, court filings show. The actress later stated that she was in New York on that date.

Her attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley, did not immediately respond to requests for comment.

Last month, her previous attorney, Richard Beada, said: "We believe this is all due to a clerical error. My client did complete the full 30 days."

Rodriguez, 29, had been serving an extended probation term for numerous driving infractions.

In May 2006, she served only four hours and 20 minutes of a two-month sentence at the Lynwood, Calif., jail for violating probation, stemming from a DUI arrest in Hawaii in December 2005.

She served, however, just over two days in a Honolulu jail in that case.

In June 2004, Rodriguez had been placed on three years' probation after pleading no contest to DUI and driving with a suspended license from two separate incidents in the Hollywood area in 2003.

We know that the state of California thinks this is some sort of punishment, but we're not sure that locking Michelle up with unlawful ladies is going to turn out as the authorities expect. It'll probably be a bit more like Chained Heat than that made-for-TV movie about Martha Stewart's jail stint. And once Michelle's six months are up, we fully expect her to spend her time hanging out in front of police stations breaking any law she can think of: burning flags, selling bootleg DVDs of the new Indiana Jones movie, setting up illegal dog fights.

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July 03, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Ambien And Candie's

� Scarlett Johansson dons septum piercing, (fake?) tattoo; dresses like Hot Lips Houlihan. (CityRag)

� Hunkosaurus Rex John Stamos blames his recent slurry interview on Ambien. Right now, David Hasselhoff and Paula Abdul are cursing themselves for not thinking of that one first. (Glitterati Gossip)

� Crack-addicted, clammy, rotten-toothed, smack-shooting, overgrown fetus cheats on beautiful multimillionaire supermodel icon. What? (Yeeeah!)

� Thanks to Fergie, product-plugging in songs is about to get even more prevalent. We can't wait for Jay-Z to namecheck Palmettos and for the new Avril Lavigne album, "Heartache and Kraft Singles, Which Are Made with 100% Real Milk". (Allie Is Wired)

� Michelle Rodriguez does public chin-ups, though she probably also does pubic chin-ups. With girls. (Derek Hail)

� The reason we haven't seen totally naked, total-body, high-def pics of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo full-on boning in a hot tub? M-O-N-E-Y. That, and the fact that no one really cares about 'em much. (Celebitchy)

� More Megan Fox. Now, 22% more see-through. (Popoholic)

� Eva Longoria has a serious problem involving an ass crack, hungry for spandex. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

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February 21, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: "Never Killed a Pot Head"

� Stallone steroid scandal. Stallone steroid scandal. Stallone steroid scandal. Say it five times fast.

� Tyra Banks recreates her iconic swimsuit issue cover shot. Too bad her face looks like she's dropping a log in her bikini bottoms.

� Gretchen Carlson finally lends credibility to FOX News with a liberal view of her panty-clad crotchial area. Did you catch that? Liberal! Haw haw?

� Brody Jenner is pissed that Details insinuated he was using Nicole Richie, but says it's all good because he has "broad shoulders". Wait, what?

� Watch in rapturous wonder as Jewel nearly drops a forkful of food down her cavernous chest chasm.

� Anna Nicole's death is a lot like her life: with a bunch of creepy men all fighting over her body.

� Speaking of Anna Nicole, her small, purple-haired, Broom Hilda lookalike tuff gal former assistant Kimmie speaks out, accusing Howard K. Stern of being an asshole!

� Or not.

� Michelle Rodriguez "never killed a pot head".

� Naomi Watts is likely preggo via Liev Schreiber, who ejaculated semen into her vagina.

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November 15, 2006

Kristanna Loken and Michelle Rodriguez May Be RodrigLEZ

You guys know about Shark Week, right? It's the week of nonstop Discovery Channel programming all about the vicious, sharp-toothed, slippery killers lurking under the sea. Children and frat boys alike look forward to Shark Week like it was Christmas. Here at CNW it seems that we are unwittingly experiencing our own version of Shark Week. We call it Lesbian Week. First the (false) rumor that Eva Longoria and Beyonc� would be doing the coot-scootin' boogie in a movie, and now that possibly very real rumor that actresses Kristanna Loken and Michelle Rodriguez are embroiled in a lesberado romance. If this were shark week, you'd be donning shark-fin hats and noshing on Goldfish crackers. Since this is Lesbian Week, you should put on your vagina hats and snack on . . . uh . . . vaginas. more »

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August 31, 2006

Today in Celebrity Same-Sex Pairings

The explanation is as simple as it is innocent: John Travolta leans in to helpfully and selflessly suck out the thetans his intergalactic man-friend contracted after being dispatched to planet Earth on a top secret Scientological specimen-gathering mission.

Michelle Rodriguez, inspired by her gal-pal's novelty T-shirt, is about to heed its advice, take the lady home, and polish her breasts. With her face.

(Please don't stab us, Michelle.) more »

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June 21, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: No Bra? Ono!

� Heidi Klum impregnated by Seal; expecting another flipper baby.

� Posh Spice to become godmother to Ginger Spice's baby daughter, Bluebell Spice. That's nice. When Bluebell needs advice on bulimia, tanning beds, and how to be a good trophy wife, she'll have a wealth of information at her fingertips.

� Yet MORE Toni Braxton nipples. You can put those things away now, honey.

� Nicole Kidman sends a case of beer to the paparazzi. We assume the reason for this was so that they wouldn't notice that her face has been freshly pulled, drawn up and over the back of her skull, and tacked into place for her upcoming nuptials.

� Robert Evans divorcing. Seventh time ain't the charm, apparently.

� Tera Patrick pics from FHM magazine. Which must stand for Fricking Humpable Mams.

� SNL's Andy Samberg gets Dunsted!

� Jen Love Hewitt's hugetits strapped in by nothing but a flimsy . . . Yoko Ono shirt?

� Michelle Rodriguez dreams of a relationship with Colin Farrell, but sadly, it can never be. Because he's not a girl.

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May 31, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: "You're So [Bleeping] Retarded!"

� Michelle Rodriguez is out of jail again, and she says, "I'm moving to France... People don't bother you there." Which we take to mean "The pigs don't hassle me when I kick back a carafe of red wine and then go for a spin in a Renault." Ooh la la!

� Thank you, Mira Sorvino, for giving your new son a normal name. Teach your Hollywood brethren, Mira Sorvino. Show them the way.

� No link here, but seriously: When was the last time we saw Britney and Kevin together? Just wondering.

� Robin Tunney is pretty. Robin Tunney has a nipple. Pretty Robin Tunney shows us her nipple.

� Christina Aguilera's husband, proboscis monkey Jordan Bratman, won't let his wife pose topless. What a brat, man.

� No, no, the old saying isn't "Mom, baseball, and apple pie." It's "baseball, braces, and Alyssa Milano's pokies."

� Mariah Carey: That tomato's got billion dollah pegs, I tells ya.

� Ben Affleck rushed to the hospital because of a headache. The rest of us rushed to the hospital because we just heard the name Ben Affleck.

� Mischa Barton calls her mother "retarded." Yeah, but who's the one who willingly had sexual congress with Brandon Davis? Huh? Huh??? Who's retarded now, Mischa? Who's retarded now????

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May 24, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Cleavage, Cleavage, Cleavage

� Nicole Richie and DJ AM have officially broken up. Apparently, he's disgusted by Nicole's extreme weight loss method of not eating, while he lost over a hundred pounds the old fashioned way: by having a team of doctors reduce his stomach to the size of a butterbean, then saw off all his excess skin with scalpels.

� Ryan Seacrest pulls a Heather Chandler.

� Naomi Campbell "keeps new man quiet". By beating his larynx clean out of his throat with a Sidekick.

� Beginning our special cleavage (un)coverage from Cannes: Halle Berry's berries!

� Up next: Elizabeth Hurley, trotting out her old girls!

� And finally, Alyssa Milano's Micelli mams! A stupendous showing! Props to all!

� Michelle Rodriguez is heading back to jail. Must be a dream come true for her.

� Michelle Williams's dad was jailed for tax evasion. Maybe he and Lindsay Lohan's father can break out the jug and harmonica and form a prison band.

� Penn Jillette and wife name newborn son Zolten, because they want him to grow up to tell fortunes.

� Geri "Ginger Spice" Halliwell names her newborn daughter Bluebell Madonna, because she wants her to be a magical pet rabbit that strips.

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May 12, 2006

Prison Ain't Nothin' But a Party for Rodriguez

She may have gotten killed off on Lost, but weep not for Michelle Rodriguez. She allegedly had an "amazing experience" in jail. The same sort of "amazing experience" thousands of fresh-faced teenage girls enjoy during the second semester of their freshman year at Simmons, to be sure. more »

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April 26, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Giant Jugs and Jail Time

� The highly downloadable Cindy Margolis will be posing for Playboy. She's the spokeswoman for the National Infertility Association. God, that makes us feel horny.

� Paris Hilton: attacked by evil flying car!

� American Idol contestant Katharine McPhee almost McPhlashed some McPhurburger on national TV last night. And she would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you pesky panties!

� Jordan shows us what she's famous for. And we ain't talkin' acting chops, writing style, or mellifluous singing voice. NSFW, natch.

� More Gong for your dong! Asian skinsation Gong Li gives us a reason to see the upcoming Miami Vice movie.

� When presented with the choice of doing time in the pen or being nurturing and contributing kindly to society via a little community service, Michelle Rodriguez said "fuck that" and picked jail. Because she's an asswipe. An asswipe who loooooves incarcerated poontang.

� Ashlee Simpson says that she's taller than sister Jessica and her legs are longer, although her jugs aren't as udderly colossal. It's a draw.

� Kevin Costner settles with the woman who accuses him of stroking his weiner in front of her. He is not Untouchable after all.

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January 17, 2006

If You're Loken for Lesbos, You Found One

You know what men seem to like? Lesbians. You know what else men like? Pretty lesbians. So when a pretty lady turns out to be a pretty lesbian, we're more than happy to write one of these thingies right here that you're reading and tell you all about the pretty pretty pretty famous lesbian lady, like Bloodrayne's Kristanna Loken. more »

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August 16, 2005

Naked Ladies, Naked Ladies, Naked Ladies

Grab onto our trembling paws and take a quantum leap to another dimension; a dimension where famous maidens cavort in bikinis or in nothing. A land where Eva Longoria's cheeks wink slyly out of bikini bottoms and Michelle Rodriguez's boobs live together in perfect harmony with Demi Moore's pubic fur. more »

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Mr. Skin's Nudity Review: Michelle Rodriguez