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filed under: Michael Jackson
September 02, 2008
Hot New Couple Alert: Jacko and Pam Anderson?
Some celebrity couples just make sense. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are well matched in their overall perfection. Rhys Ifans and Kimbo Stewart probably share a similar body odor and grease sheen. And Michael Jackson and Pamela Anderson each remain about 27% human, 73% synthetic. Perfect! According to our gossip soul mate, FemaleFirst: Michael Jackson is reportedly dating Pamela Anderson.We are totally for this match. Just think, they would have such beautiful children. They would have their mother's plump lips and their father's slender nose. It would be striking. Plus, it would help to pioneer the science of infant plastic surgery. Lots and lots and lots of infant plastic surgery. more »
Pop legend Michael, 50, has met former 'Baywatch' star Pammie, 41, for two dates in Malibu, California, sparking rumours the pair are enjoying a budding romance.
A source told Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper: "It was all arranged by their people in total secrecy, very cloak and dagger. Michael is such a private person. He gets nervous when he thinks people are following him around, so he chose somewhere neutral for their first date.
"They arrived separately at the Shutters Hotel on Malibu beach so no one would suspect anything and then had a few drinks at the bar."
Michael and Pammie hid away in a corner of the bar for privacy, and appeared to be enjoying each other's company.
The source added: "They were very friendly. Pamela was being her usual flirty self and Michael seemed to be responding. They are such a strange couple but they seemed to really hit it off."
The pair got on so well on their first date, they have met up again already, going for a coffee at the Country Mart in Malibu.
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July 10, 2008
Just Beat It, and You'll Get the Right Stuff
Get on the horn to your sister and tell her that her fifth grade dreams are about to come true: Michael Jackson and New Kids on the Block are going to collaborate on a song. Someone should maybe clue Michael Jackson in. "New Kids on the Block" is just a clever name, and said "kids" are well into their thirties. Whoops! According to our own personal Jesus juice pusher, FemaleFirst:
Michael Jackson is set to collaborate with New Kids On The Block. The reformed boy band's singer, Donny Wahlberg, revealed the plan as the group - who announced they were reuniting earlier this year - celebrated the launch of their comeback tour, which starts in September.One big party indeed! One big slumber party. In which all the attendees zip their He-Man sleeping bags together and huddle together to tell scary stories. "Aw, don't be scared!" Michael will tell a visibly shaken little Joe after a particularly frightening tale of a werewolf with a hook. "Just hold my hand! No, not that hand. Lower. Lower. Lower."
Donny said: "It's very exciting. It's one big party and everyone wants to join us."
March 26, 2007
I Wanna Robot with You (All Night)
We're not a ten-year-old boy, so we've never been plagued by nightmares about Michael Jackson, but that might change if Jacko gets a permanent gig in Vegas and builds that 50-foot laser-beam-shooting robot he's always wanted. more »
September 21, 2006
Jacko's Magically Delicious Plan
Michael Jackson has been lying low since his whole pee-pee-touching trial ending in his favor. He's been hanging out with Prince Michael and Blanket and the other one (she's a girl, so she's pretty invisible in the MJ household) in Bulgaria or Bahrain or something. But he's sick of that and wants to get back in the business of bringing joy to children. With leprechauns and roller coasters. And we don't think that either of those is a euphemism for his barber pole. more »
December 01, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: March of the Tiny Wieners
Nicole Richie (version Fat.0) with plump rump ripe on the runway. Ah, those halcyon days of youth.
Super kookynuts rumor of the day: Paris Hilton is set to dip her ring finger in the cheesy, Uncle Jesse style goodness of Stamos Nachos and become his lawfully wedded tortilla chip.
Not only can 90210 "actress" Tori Spelling make disgusted faces and make David Silver get a boner, she can also make a baby! Yaaaay!
After getting arrested for posession of crack yesterday, Kate Moss squire of yore Pete Doherty claims she left him for good because he's packing a wee weiner.
While Enrique Iglesias claims that the rumors of his own lack of girth have been greatly exaggerated.
She says Jacko's not the one, no, the kid is not his son.
Yet ANOTHER reason to hate Fergie.
Keeping with the Halloween spirit, Tom and Katie are set to wed on October 21rst.
After the three Magi heard King Herod, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the Malibu house with the tricked-out pink Hummer out front, they saw the child with his mother Britney, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Sean Preston with gifts of woobies and of binkies and of myrrh. Merry X-mas, y'all!
Super kookynuts rumor of the day: Paris Hilton is set to dip her ring finger in the cheesy, Uncle Jesse style goodness of Stamos Nachos and become his lawfully wedded tortilla chip.
Not only can 90210 "actress" Tori Spelling make disgusted faces and make David Silver get a boner, she can also make a baby! Yaaaay!
After getting arrested for posession of crack yesterday, Kate Moss squire of yore Pete Doherty claims she left him for good because he's packing a wee weiner.
While Enrique Iglesias claims that the rumors of his own lack of girth have been greatly exaggerated.
She says Jacko's not the one, no, the kid is not his son.
Yet ANOTHER reason to hate Fergie.
Keeping with the Halloween spirit, Tom and Katie are set to wed on October 21rst.
After the three Magi heard King Herod, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the Malibu house with the tricked-out pink Hummer out front, they saw the child with his mother Britney, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Sean Preston with gifts of woobies and of binkies and of myrrh. Merry X-mas, y'all!
November 23, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: Paris's Stocking Not Big Enough for a Bentley
Paris Hilton believed in Santa Claus until she was seventeen years old. Oh, how the tears must have flowed when she found out that it was actually her parents enjoying the milk and cookies and VD she'd been leaving out for Kris Kringle all those years.
In addition to being a pedophile with a candy-striped dingdongulus, Michael Jackson is an anti-Semitic a-hole. Way to endear yourself to a sizeable chunk of your fan base. And the majority of the recording industry.
Cindy Crawford says, "Listen, bitches. I've been at this whole 'posing wet and half naked with my mouth seductively parted' racket for over fifteen years now. Step aside, and let me show you galumphing elephants how it's done. Amateur hour is over, whores."
Tommy Lee is such a damn cigarette fiend that he considered hiring a private jet to fly him to Jack Osbourne's birthday party, so he could smoke on the plane. Also, he hates airport security because his wallet chain sets off alarms. Poor Tommy, seemingly unaware that a wallet is not a part of the body, and a wallet chain is not an unremoveable piercing.
Christina Aguilera dons the best in 1987 wedding gear. Mazel tov to the newlyweds!
Charlize Theron in a bikini, just because.
They're on! They're off! They're on again! They're fucking the nanny! Fucking Bond! Fighting! Crying! Breaking up! Together again! Listen, Jude and Sienna. Pick something and stick with it. Either get married, or set each other on fire. Just shit or get off the pot, please.
Little Sean Preston Federspears makes his official pictorial debut in People magazine. He's got his father's looks. Hopefully he has his mother's brain. Er, maybe we mean father's brain. No, not that either. Shit, that kid is screwed.
In addition to being a pedophile with a candy-striped dingdongulus, Michael Jackson is an anti-Semitic a-hole. Way to endear yourself to a sizeable chunk of your fan base. And the majority of the recording industry.
Cindy Crawford says, "Listen, bitches. I've been at this whole 'posing wet and half naked with my mouth seductively parted' racket for over fifteen years now. Step aside, and let me show you galumphing elephants how it's done. Amateur hour is over, whores."
Tommy Lee is such a damn cigarette fiend that he considered hiring a private jet to fly him to Jack Osbourne's birthday party, so he could smoke on the plane. Also, he hates airport security because his wallet chain sets off alarms. Poor Tommy, seemingly unaware that a wallet is not a part of the body, and a wallet chain is not an unremoveable piercing.
Christina Aguilera dons the best in 1987 wedding gear. Mazel tov to the newlyweds!
Charlize Theron in a bikini, just because.
They're on! They're off! They're on again! They're fucking the nanny! Fucking Bond! Fighting! Crying! Breaking up! Together again! Listen, Jude and Sienna. Pick something and stick with it. Either get married, or set each other on fire. Just shit or get off the pot, please.
Little Sean Preston Federspears makes his official pictorial debut in People magazine. He's got his father's looks. Hopefully he has his mother's brain. Er, maybe we mean father's brain. No, not that either. Shit, that kid is screwed.
September 06, 2005
MJ: From Pretty Young Thing to Big Beefy Daddy-O
After Michael Jackson was, uh, aquitted on those pesky boy-touching charges, he scurried off to Bahrain, presumably to hide out and recover. Apparently, he's been doing more than that--he's been working out and butching up in a bid to revive his image. Sez author Michael C. Luckman: "Michael Jackson is headed to the stratosphere. Nothing can stop him now."
Nothing except the second coming of JTT. Which, like the Rapture, we've been waiting for for eons. more »
Nothing except the second coming of JTT. Which, like the Rapture, we've been waiting for for eons. more »
August 19, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: Sizemore Schtups for All to See
We've been warning you for weeks now, but the day is upon us: the ill-famed Tom Sizemore sex tape is now available for your online perusal. It's here, it's real. Live it, love it, own it.
Are Sienna and Jude finito for good? Reportedly, she's told him to take his little kitty dick and shove it. Forever.
Crepey, arthritic, doddering geezers take note: yes, you have a shot with Jessica Alba!
Yesterday, we were told that Eminem was cancelling his tour due to Exhaustion. Which means "drugs" or "eating disorder". Today, the former is confirmed.
The first time Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell had sex, it wasan alarming experience. Alarming! Guffaw!
Are you there, Miss Cleo? It's me, Jennifer Aniston.
Listen, we know Coq Rock. Coq Rock was a friend of ours. Slipknot, you're no Coq Rock.
For the aging celebrity pedophile who has everything: a detachable nose.
Are Sienna and Jude finito for good? Reportedly, she's told him to take his little kitty dick and shove it. Forever.
Crepey, arthritic, doddering geezers take note: yes, you have a shot with Jessica Alba!
Yesterday, we were told that Eminem was cancelling his tour due to Exhaustion. Which means "drugs" or "eating disorder". Today, the former is confirmed.
The first time Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell had sex, it was
Are you there, Miss Cleo? It's me, Jennifer Aniston.
Listen, we know Coq Rock. Coq Rock was a friend of ours. Slipknot, you're no Coq Rock.
For the aging celebrity pedophile who has everything: a detachable nose.
July 22, 2005
The Way Germany Makes Me Feel
Now that his identity has been cruelly co-opted by Johnny Depp, Michael Jackson plans to flee to Germany. This years Cub Scout Jamboree will be filled with joy and relief (at least until that creepy counselor who makes the boys call him Uncle Randy shows up). more »
June 16, 2005
Don't Stop 'Til You Get Kabbalah
If youre anything like us, you spent Monday afternoon watching the dove lady and her like-minded Thriller aficionados crying and rejoicing over Michael Jacksons freedom while you yourself wondered how someone who admitted to sharing his bed with the entire male fanbase of SpongeBob SquarePants could be believed not to have touched their dingly-danglies. Why, it was all thanks to Kabbalah, of course! more »
June 14, 2005
Obligatory MJ Story
March 30, 2005
Jacko Trial Update: Late-Blooming Virgin! Totally Heterosexual! Hates Hair!
According to taped phone calls released in the Michael Jackson trial yesterday, MJ remained an unplucked, shiny, new cherry until age 32, despite his deep desire to join giblets with girls. Because, God knows, if there's any kind of guy that finds it impossible to get laid, it's a multibillionaire superstar musician. Seriously, though. Come on, Michael. Even the roadie for the Bad English cover band at my high school got chicks. more »
March 17, 2005
Britney Wants to Butch Up Jacko
There's been a lot of talk lately about Britney Spears's interview in the latest issue of Allure magazine, what with her being topless on the cover and admitting that "being married sucks," but it seems that until yesterday everyone had ignored the sage advice that Britney provided within the interview. Advice for Michael Jackson. We know that Michael is in a bad way right now, but we don't think that even an alleged mini wee-wee toucher would take advice from Mrs. Kevin Federline. more »
March 10, 2005
Jacko Late to Court
After Michael Jackon failed to show up to his molestation trial on time this morning, Superior Court Judge Rodney Melville said he would revoke Jackson's $3 million bail and put him behind bars if he did not show up at the courthouse by 9:35 A.M. PST. Jacko eventually turned up, but check out what he was wearing:
Um, are those ZUBAZ?
Jacko, we know you like to show that you're "down" with others accused of loving the underaged (a la your collaboration with R. Kelly), but honestly, there's no need to go dressing like Joey Buttafuoco. more »
Um, are those ZUBAZ?
Jacko, we know you like to show that you're "down" with others accused of loving the underaged (a la your collaboration with R. Kelly), but honestly, there's no need to go dressing like Joey Buttafuoco. more »
March 03, 2005
Michael Jackson: Spanking the Monkey
We were so frightened by this story, it took us all morning to stop rocking back and forth, but we realized that this would be our only chance to mention a member of DeBarge in 2005, so we pressed on. Michael Jackson's former brother-in-law, James DeBarge, apparently saw Michael getting a little more than friendly with his chimp, Bubbles. While Bubbles is approximately the same size as a prepubescent boy, we thought that the extreme amount of body hair would have been a turn off for Michael. Boy, did we underestimate Jacko's warped sense of reality. more »
March 02, 2005
MJ Boy-Touching Trial Update
Welp, the Jacko trial is well underway, and it's already shaping up to be highly amusing. In a tragic way, of course. In a statement to the jury on Monday, Santa Barbara County District Attorney Tom Sneddon claimed that children entered Neverland polite, kind, and well-mannered, but when they left, they were "ominously changed." Kind of like when the ranch's owner entered as a black man and emerged years later as a scary Caucasian eunuch with new, clitoris-sized nose. more »
February 24, 2005
Jacko Jury Found Under Rock
Good news, Court-TV junkies! The courts have searched high and low, and managed to locate twelve oblivious ignoramuses dwelling in California caves and media-free religious communes to make up the Michael Jackson molestation jury! more »
February 18, 2005
Jacko: Bleach, Lies, and Barbershop Poles
A word of warning to those of you who start your weekend on Thursday and are nursing a wicked hangover this morning: we are about to describe Michael Jackson's boner after the cut. Proceed at your own risk. more »
February 16, 2005
Jacko Gets the Vapors; Jury Selection On Hold
Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital yesterday after he collapsed on his way to his child molestation trial. Doctors say that today he's in stable condition and was suffering from an acute lack of prepubescent wiener. Juuuust joshin'; his nose actually fell off and became hoplessly lodged in his artificial chin cleft. OK, no, so he has the flu. Really. more »
February 14, 2005
Jacko Left Corey To Die On 9/11
Corey "Feldog" Feldman had some interesting things to say about his former BFF Michael Jackson during his much-anticipated 20/20 interview last Friday. Namely, that Michael showed him naked pictures, did not touch his wiener, and refused to save Corey from the terrorists. Poor old Corey. Never gets a break. more »
January 14, 2005
Billie Jean Is Not His Lover.
A Los Angeles woman has filed court papers claiming that Michael Jackson is the biological father of her twins. Normally, we like to refrain from snarky stories involving MJ, as it's like taking a semiautomatic to a pile of deaf and blind baby rabbits crammed in an undersized pen. But we'll make an exception, just this once. more »
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