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filed under: Melanie Brown

June 18, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: An Emmy's Just Like a Razzie, Right?

lohanpeeved.jpg• Lindsay Lohan has pulled a Heigl and withdrawn her name from the Emmy race. To which the Emmy panel said, "OK. Sounds good. Who's Lindsay Lohan?" (Celebitchy)

• Mickey Rourke takes his new face out to ogle some gay stripper's grape-smugglers. (Yeeeah!)

• Keanu Reeves is seeing China Chow. You're also seeing China Chow. Seeing her topless, that is. In related news, China Chow is not kibble for Chinese people that comes in a 15 lb bag. Who knew? (Taxi Driver)

• Jennifer Lopez and Unfrozen Caveman Husband take their spawn out for some fresh air. (Faded Youth)

• Forget danceoffs; Mel B is getting her revenge on Eddie Murphy with an album called Beverly Hills Cock. That sounds nice. (Daily Stab)

• The many toups of Jeremy Piven. (Cityrag)

• Nicole Richie gets her Mrs. Roper on. (Seriously OMG WTF?!)

• Gisele Bundchen speaks highly of beau Tom Brady; says he "doesn't have a bad bone in his body." That's right, because his bad bone is in YOUR body. Swish! (CelebWarship)

• Boil some water and get some clean sheets--Britney's on her way to Lousiana to be there for Jamie-Lynn's birthin'! Wait a minute, we're talking about Spearses. Boil some Diet Mountain Dew and get some dirty sheets! (The Hollywood Gossip)

• Puffy Dangle Doobie Diddle waxes his nutbag. It is imperative that we know this. (The Blemish)

• Kate Moss dons a tasteful, maternal see-through dress to take her daughter for a stroll. (Flisted)

• Anne Hathaway is all, "there once was a man from Nantucket." (WENN)

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March 14, 2008

Mel B Tricked Eddie Murphy into Proving He's a Total Jagbag

melanie_brown with eddie murphy's daughter.jpg You know those people in restaurants who accidentally get sent an appetizer they didn't order and then berate the server with "You can't make me pay for that. I didn't ask for it. I didn't want it. I'm not paying for it"? That's Eddie Murphy, only he's not rejecting a crispy beef satay but a cute little baby. The National Enquirer reports (via Celebitchy):
The Nutty Professor star claimed 32-year-old Mel insisted she was on birth control, and revealed they only had sex three times, according to a US report. “What was supposed to be a casual relationship ended with her having his baby and taking him to court for millions,” a source told The National Enquirer.

Although Eddie accepts that Angel is his daughter, he has said that he won’t see the little girl, because he doesn’t want to set eyes on Mel. A source said: “He says he will have to wait until Angel is older before he can get to know her without any interference from her mother.”

Secrets behind the couple’s doomed three-month fling have been revealed in legal papers in which Eddie, 46, states that Mel allegedly asked him for a $9million (£4.5million) house, plus living expenses for 18 years in exchange for her silence while she was pregnant. But Eddie baulked at the demands and it is claimed he has since refused to see the baby and the Spice Girl.
We know that Eddie hasn't had much luck in the past with hookers, but surely a little judicial slap on the wrist and a few fines look better than funding some washed-up pop star's quest for the most leopard print per square inch in a Bel Air mansion. Also, you'd think that a man who now makes his living amusing little children while sweltering under layers of latex would realize that abandoning his own child would maybe make parents not want to take their kids to see the latest Eddie Murphy joint. But if the prospect of millions of lost dollars in child support couldn't make him slap on that all-important layer of latex, then a few lost ticket sales isn't going to do shit. more »
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August 27, 2007

Scary Spices up Her Life--with Hot Girl-Girl Action!

scary spice preggo tongue.jpg With all the Britney ladymitt news focusing on random frat boys and greasy famewhore magicians, we've been a little light on the celebrity lesbian threeway news lately. So thank you Scary Spice for stepping up to the poon plate and licking some labia for our enjoyment. more »
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August 14, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: "You Liars. You Bulimic Liars.”

courtney_love_bazaar.jpg• Everyone in the world has an eating disorder except for Courtney Love. Or is that Janice from the Muppets, naked? (Celebitchy)

• Jessica Alba plays blind. Blind and nipply. (Yeeeah!)

• Jenna Jameson done got her face fucked screwy. (Egotastic)

• Charlize Theron ponies up some major cleavage for the movie Hancock. And now you will put your han on your cock. (Daily Stab)

• Hayden Panettiere wears shorts so short, they may as well be panties. Pantierres? Pantyerres? (Drunken Stepfather)

• Amy Winehouse finally says "Sure, sure, sure" to rehab. Sellout. (Hollywood Grind)

• Scary Spice's new husband killed a duck with a brick. Really. That's not an obtuse metaphor. Scary Spice's new husband killed a duck with a brick. (The Blemish)

• Posh Spice's blog is SO MAJOR! (Allie Is Wired)

• Hey, Diane Kruger, that water looks awful cold. (Taxi Driver)

• Angelina Jolie's getting an itchy adoption finger again. Watch out, Africa, she's comin' to gitcha. (Celeb Warship)

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August 02, 2007

Mel B Gets Even Scarier and Spicier with Eddie

scary_eddie.jpgWe are American and used to scorned single mothers calling out deadbeat babydaddies with a tire iron through a windshield or a visit to the set of Montel Williams's eponymous talk show. So the rich British lady way of doing it comes as a bit of a shock to us. Melanie Brown--that's Scary Spice to you and me--called a press conference yesterday to formally admonish Eddie Murphy for not stepping forward to acknowledge their daughter, Angel Iris, either monetarily or in a nice parental-like way. People.com reports:
Brown, wearing a white dress, told the gathered reporters, "I am here for one reason and one reason only - her name is Angel. Angel is my baby and Eddie's. She will always know that she was planned and wanted by both of us, but I want her to know that she has two parents who desire to be responsible for her during her life and who love her so much that they want to be a part of it."

Brown said the pregnancy was planned and that the couple had discussed getting married after the birth. "This wasn't some random, 'Oops I fell over and I'm pregnant.' I don't live my life like that," she said.
You might not live your life like that, but we sure do! Except for us, it's less "Oops I fell over and I'm pregnant" and more "Oops I stubbed my toe and I married conjoined twins in Vegas." Or "Oops I had sex with an arena football team and now I have crabs." What can we say, we're accident-prone. more »
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July 18, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Benatard

hailry_duff_leather_pants.jpg• Hilary Duff knows that love is a battlefield and hell is for children; dons Benatar pants to prove it. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Bridget Moynahan is such a bitch, getting pregnant when she did so the baby's due date coincided with her then-boyfriend's future Brazilian supermodel girlfriend's birthday. How dare she? How dare she? (The Blemish)

• Kelly Clarkson snacks upon weed cookies. (Cityrag)

• Scary Spice is set to marry her new boyfriend, who has a "much bigger cock" than Eddie Murphy. Yeah, but IS he a much bigger cock than Eddie Murphy? Ho ho, we thought not. Wait, what? (Bossip)

• Being pregnant totally grossed out Jaime Pressly. Awesome, because her naming her son "Dezi" totally grossed us out. And now we're even. (Celebitchy)

• Dave Chappelle was hospitalized for "exhaustion". Because sitting on comically giant piles of money and not making any new shows really takes it out of a guy. (Bricks and Stones)

• Jon Lovitz wiped up a bar with Andy Dick's stupid face. We Lovitz! (Derek Hail)

• Winona Ryder blames shoplifting on drugs. Which would also explain her sexual coupling with Dave Pirner. (Celeb Warship)

• Kimberly Stewart's butt cheeks. That's right. Kimberly Stewart's butt cheeks. (Daily Stab)
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June 25, 2007

Norbit's a Dad

Norbit.jpgMazel tov, Eddie Murphy, you're a Spice Dad! Dude is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the father of Scary Spice's 2-month-old baby girl. People.com reports:
The results of the DNA test, which Murphy took on June 11, were received by [Melanie] Brown on Thursday afternoon, says rep Liza Anderson.

"He's the baby's father, it's official," says a source close to Brown. "The baby is undoubtedly, 110 percent his."

Of Brown, the source said, "There was no doubt in people's minds anyways, least of all hers. It wasn't a surprise to her. She knew all along."

Murphy's rep declined to comment.
When a man impregnates a lady and then drops her and denies paternity, it makes us feel happy, and more than a little smug. It makes us think of Eddie's own bit about "you dropped your iiiiice cream" only this time it's, "you popped a looooooad, in Scary Spiiiiiice, now you gotta pay chiillld support, you gonna be on wellllfare." In related news, why has Eddie Murphy never shaved his mustache, or even trimmed it into an alternate shape? What is he hiding? More illegitimate babies, most likely. more »
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June 11, 2007

Eddie Murphy's Golden Child Court Date

eddie_murphy_mel_B.jpgWe haven't had any Maury-style "who's the daddy" drama since Dannielynn, so today we welcome the much-anticipated court date to determine the paternity of Mel B's little Spice Girl. Our gossip assistant superintendent, Female First, reports:
Eddie Murphy will face ex-lover Melanie Brown for the first time since dumping her on live TV when they both appear in court later today (11Jun07).

The actor missed the London premiere of his latest film Shrek The Third to attend a U.S court hearing and provide a judge with a DNA sample in order to establish the biological father of Brown's daughter Angel Iris.
Man, Eddie been acting like such a complete prick about the baby, we're really hoping he gets his just desserts and the DNA test proves he's the dad. But we already know he's the dad. How, you ask? She was born with a mustache. more »
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May 22, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Burp Rags

rachel_mcadams_300x400.jpg• Rachel McAdams pulls a Beyoncι; might just be 63. (IMDb/WENN)

• Janice Dickinson's high contrast upskirt gristle mitt. Believe it. (Taxi Driver)

• Scary Spice spent several hundred dollars on rags to belch upon. Stars, just like us, etc. (MSNBC)

• Pam Anderson in a bikini, careening willy-nilly towards Mamie Van Doren territory. (Derek Hail)

• Britney wears bikini, old man fedora. Your penis won't know whether to pop a boner or do the Lindy Hop while sucking down a Tom Collins. We suggest both! (Hollywood Tuna)

• Play volleyball with Eva Longoria's butt! No, wait, we mean Eva Longoria's butt plays volleyball. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Oprah's dad is writing a tell-all about her, and she sadly states, “The last person in the world to be doing a book about me is Vernon Winfrey. The last person.” That's weird. The last person we'd expect to be doing a book about Oprah Winfrey is Jesse Camp. Or maybe Bruce Boxleitner. Or Lionel Bart. Because not only was he a composer, not a writer, he is dead. (Yeeeah!)
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May 09, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Wiggin' Out

britney-spears-breast-01.jpg• "Pink bra. Pink push-up bra. Uhhh . . . acid wash. Skirt that's . . . acid wash with ball-point pen. Uhhh . . . wig. Bad wig. Bad, brown wig. Ratty brown--" "Things Britney Spears wears!" Ding ding ding! You just won $25,000 Pyramid! (Egotastic!)

• Penny Kravitz? (Female First)

• What's in Scary Spice's upskirtish girl-folds? Is that underwear slipping away into her Murphy-soiled parts? A tampon string? Errant t.p. detritus? (Taxi Driver)

• Kate Moss wears sheer dress, shows what she's got up Top(Shop). (Drunken Stepfather)

• Paris Hilton is petitioning her fans to keep her out of jail. You should sign this petition to keep her in. Because if Bridget Jones 2 taught us anything, it's that jail is fun!(IDLYITW)

• We look at these pictures and imagine the sound Jessica Simpson's breasts were making as they were crammed, via shoehorn, into that dress. (Yeeeah!)

• Paris drove on a suspended license. Again. Yesterday. Seriously, go sign that petition. (D Listed)

• After a period of dark, self-imposed Timberlakian mourning, Cameron Diaz goes back to the blonde. (Cityrag)

• Enjoy a visit with Posh Spice v. 1.0. (ICYDK)

• Tom Sizemore, busted for meth. Just like your cousins Travis and Crystal Jean. (TMZ)

• Ashlee and Jessica do not suffer each other gladly. (A Socialite's Life)

• Depp's got two tickets to Paradis. Won't you pack your bags? We'll marry tonight. (Gabby Babble)
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May 03, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Powderpants

boshead.jpg• Kate Bosworth takes off her bikini just long enough to slip a bit of nip. (Egotastic!)

• John Voight finds his daughter "fascinating" and "attractive". And "stunning". If Papa Joe Simpson ever gets out of the daughter managing/ogling game, he might have a worthy replacement. (GlossLip)

• Sienna Miller slips both nip and panty waistband in the same outfit. Now that's multitasking. Slutty multitasking! (Drunken Stepfather)

• Busta Rhymes got Busta-ed. What a hilarious play on words! (Yeeeah!)

• Vanessa Minnillo shills for Bongo jeans. Bongo's still around? What's next, Jessica Alba for Palmetto and Mischa Barton for Camp Beverly Hills? Anyway, cleavage. (Derek Hail)

• Eva Mendes either showing a swath of upskirt panties, or she has a crotch that is a colorless, shadowless void. But which? (Taxi Driver)

• Kate Moss turns up with white powder on her pants. We dunno, Kate is pretty much a pro at blowing rails--it's hard to believe she'd let some go to waste hanging out on her Tsubis. (The Blemish)

• Scary Spice is taking Norbit to court, cuz she's mad at him, haaaay. (TMZ.com)

• Carmen Electra: in Soviet Russia, booty short and yarn bra wear YOU! (Cityrag)

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April 24, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Jonathan Rhyshab Meyers

scarjj.jpg• They try to make me wear a tee-shirt, I said, no, no, no. (Egotastic!)

• They tried to make Jonathan go to Rhyshab, he said, no, no, n--well, okay. (Female First)

• John Krasinski from The Office and Renιe Zellweger? OK, that sounds fine, carry on. (I'm Not Obsessed)

• Scarlett Johansson's handsome jumblies are SNL's new Hans and Franz. Because they'll pump (clap) you up. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Scary Spice's daughter is not named Fortuna, as previously reported. She's Angel Iris Murphy Brown. Because everybody loves Candice Bergen! (D Listed)

• Morgan Fairchild: she's still got (t)it! (Drunken Stepfather)

• Some rich Russian guy wants to pay Jennifer Lopez $2 million dollars to sing at a party. Little does he know that stateside, a J. Lo warbling usually goes for around $36.99 and a half a pack of Fruit Stripe. (IDontLikeYouInThatWay)

• It's been a few weeks since we've dipped our chalice into the lusty lake that is Jessica Biel's rotund squatter. Let's do. (Yeeeah!)

• Speaking of asses, here's Nicky Hilton's. She does not share her sister's unfortunate goiteresque gluteal growth. (Taxi Driver)

• Hilary Duff strokes a thick, wrinkled, fleshy tube. (Popoholic)

• Suri Cruise hits the party circuit. (Bricks and Stones)
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April 06, 2007

Fortuna Smiles on Scary Spice

scarypreg.jpgAt long last, the fruit of Melanie Brown's scary, spicy womb has a name. Her brand new baby girl will be called . . . Fortuna Daphne Bay Brown! Aheh . . . aheheheheh . . . heh. Ahem. Uh. Yeah. Seeing how her older daughter is named Phoenix Chi, which sounds like a type of exotic General Foods brand International Coffee, it makes sense that the new baby would sport a name that would suggest she travels around with a carnival, beturbaned and caressing a crystal ball. Or perhaps Scary Spice lovingly looked down on her new infant, thought of the day in a few scant weeks when Eddie Murphy would be forced to submit to a paternity test, and the child transformed, in her eyes, to a large sack of gold coins with a giant dollar sign printed on it.
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April 03, 2007

Mel B Gives Birth to Spice Girl

scarpreg.jpgMazel tov! Scary Spice has given birth! Her spokesperson says:
"The baby is completely healthy with a good head of hair. Mother and baby are now resting. No name has been decided on as yet, and she is purely known as Baby Brown."
No word yet from the babe's alleged father, Eddie Murphy, who has denied paternity yet says he's willing to take a DNA test. The infant is also, reportedly, a mere five pounds and four ounces, which belies the giant gut Mel sported during the late stages of her pregnancy. Maybe the kid's low birth weight was a result of rabid baby shower champagne-swilling, or perhaps Scary Spice is just taking a page from the book of Anna Nicole and trying to raise a skinny, sexy baby from day one. more »
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March 19, 2007

Mel B Welcomes New Baby with Champagne and Strippers

mel b baby shower.jpg You might think it's odd that Mel B's baby shower is filled with champagne and male strippers, but she's just trying to get the poor kid used to its life early on. Dad's nowhere to be found, Mom's depressed over the cut of the Norbit millions she missed out on and resorts to swilling Arbor Mist while watching General Hospital, and the new guy Mom's shacking up with claims to be an underwear model (that's why he's always walking around the house in his Fruit of the Looms), but the building he walks into when Mom drops him off at work doesn't look like a photo studio and has a sign that says Chippendales outside. Mel wouldn't want to instill any false hope in the little fetus. more »
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December 08, 2006

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Scary Spice Impregnated, Then Scorned

scaryspice.jpgThe craziest fiery-tempered cuckoo with whom one could choose to have a baby is Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes--she of the obsessed tattoo-getting and mansion-torching. Since she has departed this mortal coil, God rest her tiny soul, Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown makes for a fine runner-up. And Eddie Murphy is most likely about to learn that the hard way. In the wallet area. more »
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December 05, 2006

"You Shouldn't Jump To Conclusions, Sir."

Eddie Tracey.jpg What's a girl to do when the presumed father of the bump in her belly is traipsing around town with another woman and decrying the genius of DNA testing? Slather her face in rocky road ice cream, pop The Way We Were into the DVD player, and cry until it's time to give birth? Not when you're Scary Spice. Then you just start talking about how in love you are and how great your life together will be. more »
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October 18, 2006

Spice up Your Womb

Scary Spice is pregnant with Eddie Murphy's (eighth!) child. We think we've figured out The Spice Girls' evil plan: to take the pop world by storm in fifteen to twenty years with Spice Kids. It'll be just like The Osmond Boys, only with five scary stage moms instead of just Marie. Look for offspring from Sporty and Baby, TK fall '07. more »
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