filed under: Matthew Perry

• Hayden Panettiere continues to blaze a flouncy, lace-trimmed trail straight to Saucytown. (Egotastic!)

• Amy Winehouse celebrates Christmas early by hanging sparkling white ornaments amongst the branches of her nose hair. (Yeeeah!)

• Hey, look! It's Beyonkadonkcι. (Derek Hail)

• Vanessa Minnillo's bikini bottoms are intelligent, as they wisely creep up her cheek cleave and allow us to rejoice. Huzzah! (Drunken Stepfather)

• When Perry Met Sally. (Celebitchy)

• Dennis Quaid's newborn twins get a leg up on all the other celebrity babies by ODing. That was mean, sorry. (The Blemish)

• Headline of the day: "Nicole Richie's Pooch Pee Plea". (Female First)

• British model/reality star Sophie Anderton will charge you $20K to allow you to snort cocaine off her bewbs and then make the love with her. (Fatback and Collards)

• Ashlee Simpson has secrets. Smoky, smoky secrets. (Allie Is Wired)

• Is our sweet angel Mandy Moore getting Binged? Oh Christ, NO! (Yeeeah!)

• Our favorite opiate connoisseur, Porky Petey Dough-erty, has returned to form. Now with video! (Drunken Stepfather)

• And Pete's ex, Kate Moss, sports some really sharp needles of her own. (Taxi Driver)

• Jerry O'Connell has hot wife; poor self-esteem. (The Blemish)

• Famous nipples met flash, and a beautiful friendship was borned unto us. (Cityrag)

• Leelee Sobieski is packin' mad mammage. (Daily Stab)

• Jessica Simpson navigates metal grate in stilettos. Hilarity ensues. (Egotastic!)

• Eva Mendes shills for Campari. Up next, CelebNewsWire promotes Alize and Blue Nun! (Derek Hail)

• Rihanna and Josh Hartnett are doin' it: their babies will be large of forehead and beady of eye. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Which is causing poor Shia the Beef to marinate himself in a nice vodka rub. (PopCrunch)

• Rebecca De Mornay? No, Rebecca Dui Mornay. (TMZ)

We understand that a wholly uninteresting schlub like Matthew Perry can leverage his Friends millions to weasel his way into the bedrooms of stars of Coyote Ugly or Gilmore Girls, but we would have thought that a star of Sex and the City would have been immune to his one alluring quality. But Kristin Davis has proven us wrong. Maybe she really admired his turn as the tortured suicidal rich boy on that one episode of 90210. more »

• Jennifer Aniston is moving to Chicago. We can't wait to run into her in the health and beauty aisle at Jewel!

• Piper Perabo lowers herself to date former pill-popper/Friends friend Matthew Perry. Move over TomKat and Brangelina, here's . . . Pipthew Perrybo?

• Our #1 deity, Mariah Carey, teams up with Snoop, shoots a video, mounts a mesa of Vuitton luggage, wears very little clothing.

• Salma Hayek chortles when confronted with Colin Farrell's weenis. Understandable.

• Portman pokies, redux!

• If your daughter were Tori Spelling, wouldn't you sue her too? Just for fun?

• K-Fed hates the Pavarotti, loves his kids and wife, raps about it in hot new tune on MySpace. This one's for the haters. Fuck the media.

• Pink's special surprise for her husband is reportedly a "12ft pole to be erected in her dressing room". But the bigger surprise is that said pole is being erected in her pants! Because she's a man, see.

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is about to undergo surgery for an "undisclosed medical condition". Lip reduction? Eyeliner tattoos? Scarfectomy?