filed under: Marilyn Monroe

So remember that Marilyn Monroe sex tape we told you about the other day? Yeah, it's probably not real. Sorry about that. But you were never going to be able to see it anyway, so it doesn't really make any difference to you, now does it? Defamer used their fancy-pants skills to whip up a convincing case that the story is totally bogus and the memorabilia dealer involved in the supposed sale is a total jagbag and the Marilyn-memorabilia-collector's version of Heidi Montag. They used tactics they learned in journalism school, like talking one-on-one with leading experts in the field. We didn't go to journalism school, so we don't know how to do that. We did go to clown college, though. We can't write a lede for shit, but, boy, can we work a seltzer bottle. Some of the highlights of Defamer's investigation:

There are too many holes in the Keya Morgan story. Having talked with Mr. Morgan in our own interview over the phone in the summer of 2007, he spoke quickly and non-stop of his planned television documentary, of conspiracy theories into Monroe's death, and about his alleged friendships with all three Monroe husbands.

In general Mr. Morgan was a name dropper, especially when it came to those notorious for supporting the conspiracy theories involved with the story of Marilyn Monroe. However, he wove into our conversation his claim that he dated Mariah Carey and Renée Zellweger.

The film was supposedly made of Marilyn Monroe as a starlet. If filmed in this time period of Monroe's life, why would the feds have cared about the activities of a young starlet, considering that Marilyn Monroe had not reached the heights of fame at the time this footage was claimed to have been filmed?

"You see instantly that it's Marilyn Monroe - she has the famous mole." This is a quote by Keya Morgan, which is one of the flimsiest pieces of evidence ever presented. Just because this alleged film has a person with a mole, it's instantly Marilyn Monroe?

Essentially Morgan is claiming that this is a bootleg copy of a classified FBI film. So if an original is classified, why would the FBI allow this public brouhaha in the press and not stop this sale from taking place? Why would this film copy not be destroyed?

Are they trying to tell us that unscrupulous people make up things about celebrities? Well, golly gee, that is shocking. We must contact our local minister at once so as to secure all those liars a nice warm spot in Hell. For shame. more »

We all love a celebrity sex tape, right? We would never watch an actual movie involving the likes of Chyna or Screech, but catch them in the act of porking and we will devote hours upon hours of our life to them. But when a sex tape involves one of the biggest stars in history, does it matter that she's been dead for forty-five years? Nah. Not really. The New York Post reports:

Some really like it hot.

In the sordid tradition of peddling raunchy video footage of celebrities a la Paris Hilton, a long-buried sex movie of Marilyn Monroe recently hit the market, a top collector told The Post.

An illicit copy of the steamy, still-FBI-classified reel - 15 minutes of 16mm film footage in which the original blond bombshell performs oral sex on an unidentified man - was just sold to a New York businessman for $1.5 million, said Keya Morgan, the well-known memorabilia collector who discovered the film and brokered its purchase.

The footage appears to have been shot in the 1950s. When it came to light in the mid-'60s, then-FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover had his agents spend two weeks futilely trying to prove that Monroe's sex partner was either John F. Kennedy or Robert F. Kennedy, according to declassified agency documents and interviews, Morgan said.

The silent black-and-white flick shows Monroe on her knees in front of a man whose face is just out of the shot.

He never moves into the shot, indicating that he knew the camera was there, but Monroe never looks at the lens, said Morgan, who saw the footage.

Morgan said he discovered the film while doing research for a documentary on Monroe, after talking with a former FBI agent who told him about a confidential informant who tipped G-men to the existence of the film in the mid-'60s.

The feds eventually confiscated the original footage - but not before the informant made a copy of it, which is what was just sold by his son, Morgan said.

There are heavily redacted, declassified FBI documents talking about a "French-type" film.

They state the informant "exhibited [to agents] a motion picture which depicted deceased actress Marilyn Monroe committing a perverted act upon a unknown male," Morgan said.

The informant was with at least one mobster at the time, the documents state.

According to the documents, "Former baseball star Joseph DiMaggio in the past had offered [the informant] $25,000 for this film, it being the only one in existence, but he refused the offer.

"Source advised that [redacted name of the mole] informed them that he had obtained this film prior to the time Marilyn Monroe had achieved stardom."

Morgan said he got the deceased informant's name from the former FBI agent who tipped him off to the flick - and was floored after he found the mole's son in Washington, DC, and the man retrieved a film canister from a safe-deposit box and spooled it up.

"You see instantly that it's Marilyn Monroe - she has the famous mole," Morgan said.

"She's smiling, she's very charming, she's very radiant, but she's known for being radiant," he said. "She moves away, and then it [the footage] stops."

Last month, he brokered its sale, leading the informant's son to a wealthy New York businessman who wants to keep this unseemly part of Monroe's past buried.

"He said he's just going to lock it up," Morgan said.

"He said, 'I'm not going to make a Paris Hilton out of her. I'm not going to sell it, out of respect.'"

We wonder what Hoover's investigation into the tape consisted of. Did his operatives slip JFK a sleeping pill before bed and then steal into his chambers with a sturdy ruler, trying to match his member to the one in the film? Or did Hoover don his favorite party dress and lure RFK into a coat closet, where he then took penile photographs for comparison purposes? So many possibilities. Also, we can't wait till it is discovered that the buyer of the reel is actually Lindsay Lohan's newest paramour, and his intentions are to have LiLo recreate the clip to further prove her artistic abilities. more »

This morning, naked pictures of your mom Lindsay Lohan hit the interlink via NY Magazine. It is supposed to be Lindsay recreating Marilyn Monroe's famous "Last Sitting" photo shoot. However, one look at the flowers over the boobs and we're instantly reminded of another infamous spread: Portrait of a Young Girl on the Brink of a Meltdown. Or, as it's more popularly know, The Eve of the Weave. After the cut, see if Lindsay does Marilyn justice . . . with her breasts! more »

What better way to celebrate National Breast Cancer Awareness Month than by talking about how awesome and bouncy and soft boobs are? We really can't think of a better way. And since you douchebags love lists almost as much as you love titties, Film Threat put together a little historical countdown, complete with a cleavage-fest via YouTube clips. So here they are, in somewhat chronological order, the best bazooms in moviedom:

Mae West
Jane Russell
Marilyn Monroe
Dorothy Dandridge
Jayne Mansfield
Sophia Loren
Elizabeth Taylor
Brigitte Bardot
Ursula Andress
Honor Blackman
Raquel Welch
Chesty Morgan
Tura Satana
Uschi Digard
Pam Grier
Jennifer Connelly
Monica Bellucci
Rosario Dawson
Scarlett Johansson
Eva Green
Jennifer Tilly
Asia Argento
Thandie Newton
Helen Mirren
Jessica Rabbit

Seriously? Jessica fucking Rabbit? Is that the best you could do, Film Threat? Did you think to yourselves, "Man, we've exhausted all the luscious lung pillows in Hollywood. There is not one set of sweater kittens left worth ogling. Guess we better talk about some cartoon casabas"? Did Lindsay Lohan's meaty Mean Girls-era mounds not make the list due to the creepy teenage factor? Did you disregard Elizabeth Hurley because she seems like a bit of a shrew? Did Jessica Simpson get cut because you've never actually been able to watch her on film for longer than three minutes? Was there really not one single set of Hollywood hooters that you found more appealing than Jessica Rabbit's paper-and-ink pom poms? more »

Lindsay Lohan says she wants to be just like Marilyn Monroe. We're assuming she meant without the whole untimely tragic death thing, but you never know with the kids these days. more »

When you picture Marilyn Monroe, you probably think of a pretty blonde movie star lady with her skirt blowing up and a big red lipsticky smile. It's also possible you picture her naked in Playboy. Or you think about her banging the president, which is also very glamorous. Whatever you imagine, we can pretty much guarantee you don't think of her hovering over a toilet, cheeks aquiver, cramming an enema bag up her rectum, although a former Los Angeles deputy district attorney is now alleging that may be what killed her. Rectum, no, it killed 'er, etc., etc. more »