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filed under: Mariah Carey

November 26, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Twilight One Up for Me

kristen_stewart_pot_weed_bowl_smoke.jpgTwilight mania's at an all time high! And so is star Kristen Stewart. (ONTD)

Chelsea Handler may be posing nude for Playboy, because she's so popular and everyone likes her show, right? (Yeeeah!)

• Pete Wentz tries to explain his and Ashlee's choice of the name Bronx Mowgli. "We're retarded" is a good start. (Pop on the Pop)

Mariah Carey refused to drink a glass of champagne. In the celebrity bump watch world, that's pretty much on the same level as the baby crowning. (Anything Hollywood)

Dita von Teese naked in German Playboy. That isn't much of a teese. (Celebitchy)

• Average joes weigh in: who'd you most like to see in a lesbian scene? The answers may astound you. (Mr. Skin)

Megan Fox claims that she looks like Ted Nugent in a wig. Wang dang! Sweet poontang. (Digital Spy)

• Even more photos of Britney Spears looking hot hot hooootttttttttt in Rolling Stone. Hooooootttttt. Hot. (Allie Is Wired)

• Cleavage-bearing Rihanna in her usual robo-Gene Simmons wear. (Drunken Stepfather)

Karolina Kurkova's missing belly button: another mystery solved. Thanks, Encyclopedia Brown! (CelebWarship)

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November 07, 2008

Mariah Carey Spits in the Face of Airline Checked Bag Fees

mariah_carey_lip_moustache_wax.jpg Oh, Mimi, how we love you. There is no other woman on earth who can do the things you do and get away with it. If you were to call up President-elect Obama and say, "I want to perform at your inauguration, but I will only do it if I can wear nothing but hot pants and a feather boa and I need to have 98 peacocks on stage with me—not 100, not 95, 98 peacocks," we're pretty sure he'd say yes. So we're not really shocked that you brought 20 suitcases along for a three-day trip to England. Reports The Daily Mail (via Celebitchy—with pics, if you have a fetish for ogling other people's luggage):
Mariah Carey lived up to her diva reputation as she arrived in London for a three-night stay today… accompanied by 20 suitcases.

The singer and her husband Nick Cannon needed two huge trolleys to carry their bags. Porters pushing them through Heathrow airport seemed bemused by their haul.

When the newlyweds arrived at the Dorchester they were met by a crush of Mariah’s fans, who held up banners saying ‘Congrats MC and Nick’.
A normal person goes through two outfits a day: daytime clothes and pajamas. But Mimi changes her clothes roughly twenty times a day. Therefore a normal person takes a three-day trip, they take one or two bags; Mimi takes a three-day trip, she takes 20 bags. It's simple math.
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September 17, 2008

Shhhh! Mariah Carey's Studying Her Bible! Be Very Quiet!

mariah_carey_moustache_wax.jpg Mariah Carey is a very busy and important person. She does not have time for trivial things like reading. Unless of course it's the Bible. There's always time for Jesus. Reports our own personal Bible-study coach FemaleFirst:
Mariah Carey says the only book she has ever read is the Bible.

The 'Touch My Body' singer - who married singer Nick Cannon earlier this year - admits she rarely has time to sit down and read, but always ensures she has time to read the holy book.

She said: "The only book I make time to read is the Bible."

Mariah can't even find the time to read when she is on holiday because she is too busy swimming and sunbathing.

She added to Now magazine: "I don't get much time off, but I make sure there are periods on my schedule when no work is allowed. The best way is to go on vacation. I love tropical places and swimming in the sea. The most secluded a place is, the better."
We understand the challenges of reading while swimming; getting books wet doesn't really aid usability. But Mimi can't read while sunbathing? Does it take intense concentration to soak up the sun's rays? If she gets distracted by something like a book will she lose track of the task at hand and allow disrespectful beachgoers to block her sun? And would the same no-reading-while-tanning rule apply if the book in question was just a bound collection of Mariah glamor shots? Because we think she'd take the time and energy to flip through those pages. more »
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June 11, 2008

Please Send Mariah Carey Presents; She's in Loooove

mariah carey high waisted jean shorts.jpg Most people feel a little bit gypped by weddings. You buy some new clothes, a big black-and-white box from Crate & Barrel, spend an entire day "celebrating love" or some crap, and then another day holding an ice pack to your throbbing head. Plus, you'll likely have to see someone's fat Uncle Bob attempt to cabbage patch during a Will Smith song. If it weren't for the cake and the hope of an open bar, nobody would put up with them. So are Mariah Carey's moneybags comrades getting off easy by being coaxed to send Wedgewood and Waterford without getting some roast beef and lemon chiffon cake first? Page Six dishes on Mimi's gift fishing:
MARIAH Carey's friends and colleagues weren't invited to her impromptu wedding to Nick Cannon, but they can still send a gift. According to an insider, "Mariah's assistant, Gina, sent out over 100 e-mails to her wealthy friends letting them know that she's registered at Bergdorf Goodman if they want to buy her a present. It's odd because she's not even having a big wedding party or anything. It was assumed they'd have a big celebration when they got back, but no. They just want the gifts." On the list are "fine china, very expensive silver stemware" and other items. Carey's rep declined to comment.
We understand the inclusion of stemware on the registry, as we're sure that Mariah loves a tipple, but china? What ever could that be used for? A nice game a Frisbee in the 500-square-foot master shower? A possible weapon in case Nick gets uppity and wants Mimi to watch something "scary" and "manly" like Rambo in the in-house deluxe screening room? Because we're pretty sure they're not for when Mariah invites the Beckhams or the Trumps over for a nice home-cooked meal of lasagna and garlic bread. We're pretty sure that Mimi only eats pesticide-free julienned tree bark at this point. She probably heard that it contains negative calories and will completely eliminate cellulite. more »
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May 29, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Hopelessly Devoted to Food

britney_high_ponytail.jpgBritney might star in Grease on Broadway. Well, she's certainly got the "grease" part down. (Daily Stab)

Mischa Barton is refusing to promote her t.a.t.u. movie. Wonder why. (IDLYITW)

• Thank God for Lindsay Lohan's relationship with Samantha Ronson, for it keeps Michael Lohan in the news! (Yeeeah!)

Scarlett Johansson. Naked in a pool. (Egotastic!)

• As Hilary Duff's veneers have shrunk, so has her rack inflated. It's magic! (Cityrag)

Mariah Carey dons her most Mimi-est of rags to kick off Japanese baseball season. Man, what a weird sentence. (Drunken Stepfather)

Pamela Anderson returns to form with the best upskirt she can muster. (Taxi Driver)

Angelina and Brad let their children do whatever while they dunk their sleek, genetically superior forms nakedly into their pool. (The Blemish)

Naomi Campbell to trade glamour for the slammer. (Celebitchy)

Bill Murray's wife says he's a drunk and a stoner and a cheater and a beater. B-b-buh . . . but . . . he's the voice of Garfield! (PopCrunch)

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May 07, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Megan Fox Gets Plump

megan_fox_lips_plumped.jpgMegan Fox takes "next Angelina Jolie" title literally, gets lipplants. (ONTD)

Elisha Cuthbert stalks the sandy landscape in a bikini; cuddles muscular male; gets handsy with own buttocks. (Drunken Stepfather)

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's wedding photos will be in People. And they talk about being "soul mates". Even though they've known each other for six weeks. (Celebitchy)

• What mysterious pull do these Maddens have? Lindsay Lohan was busted trying to pick up Joel (that's Nicole Richie's Madden, not Paris Hilton's Madden) at a club the other night. There's not enough Maddens to go around. (Yeeeah!)

Angelina Jolie is reportedly going to have twin girls. They'll have their mother's looks and their father's . . . looks. They can't go wrong! (I Don't Like You In That Way)

Amy Winehouse is slowly devolving from soulful songstress to drunken party girl to crackhead to missing link to ape. Photographic evidence exists. (Holy Taco)

Uma Thurman's name begins with a "u". So does the word "upskirt". Aaaand that's the closest we cam come to a joke here. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• In other Lohan news, she's still stealing clothing from her friends. Because when girls' daddies don't love them, the fill up their hearts with pilfered fur. (The Blemish)

Blake Lively may play a high schooler on Gossip Girl, but that rack is alllll freshman year at a state U, baby. (Fatback)

Jessica Simpson must, she must, she must increase her bust. (Cityrag)

• Post-birth, Halle has some Berry nice cleavage. We knew our childhood obsession with Strawberry Shortcake speak would come in handy some day! (Flisted)

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May 06, 2008

Jay-Z, Mariah Carey Prepare for the Inevitable

bayonce jay-z and a huge man.jpg When your worldly assets amount to about $87, a cupboard full of Rice-a-Roni, and some broken IKEA furniture, it's hard to understand the need for a pre-nup, but celebrities aren't like us; the poorer of the pair (read: still richer than you'll ever dream of being) usually gets a pretty sweet salary from the deal. After all, it is business. It was rumored last week that Mariah Carey's hasty marriage didn't include the all-important monetary contracts, but FOX News thinks differently:
Miss Mariah and Mr. Cannon have a very nice prenuptial agreement.

Mariah apparently told a mutual pal of ours: "Anyone who thinks we didn't have a prenup is smoking something!"

This is not the Mariah Carey of old. She is a smart, smart businesswoman. For example: Post-Tommy Mottola, Carey nabbed $50 million from her short-lived deal with Virgin Records. After "Glitter," they just paid her all that to walk away!

She’s had three hit albums since then: "Charmbracelet," "Emancipation of Mimi" and the current "E=MC2." She has her own perfume line, as well. Mariah also has substantial real estate holdings, and let’s not forget the publishing royalties. Her name is on every song. This is not Whitney. She has a small fortune, and she’s not about to lose it, even in love.
You're probably thinking, "Of course they have a pre-nup. She's loaded and he's only a misstep or two away from starring in Safe Auto commercials for the rest of his career. What happens when both parties have mountains and mountains of money, like Jay-Z and Beyonce?" Lucky for you, The National Enquirer can answer that (via Celebitchy):
“The prenup calls for Jay-Z to pay Beyonce $10 million if the marriage ends after two years, and $1 million dollars a year for each further year she remains in the marriage, up to 15 years,” revealed a source familiar with the deal.

“If they do split, he’s promised to pony up $10 million to buy her a home.

“He’s promised to pay her an additional $5 million for each child she bears him - for her ‘loss of income’ during the pregnancy and child-rearing years.”
$5 mil for each baby? That's a pretty sweet deal. We wonder if there's any sort of twin clause in the pre-nup. Maybe twins are like a triple-word score and she'd net $15 mil for the set. Twins are the newest Hollywood trend, and that Hova likes to be on top of the latest fads.
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May 02, 2008

In Related News: Mariah Carey's New Album Is in Stores Now!

mariah carey with homeless man wheelchair.jpg Yesterday we heard that Mariah Carey was engaged to famous-for-something-or-other young'n Nick Cannon. Then we heard they were actually already married. But maybe they weren't. And Mariah's ring was recycled from Nick's last till-death-(or-someone-hotter)-do-us-part moment. But then again maybe it just looked a hell of a lot like that ring. We are so confused. Why can't all celebrities be as up front about their possible nuptials as Star Jones was? That whole privacy thing is way overrated anyway, and we're pretty sure that not every celeb who whores out their wedding to OK! or People ends up divorcing their super-gay husband a couple of years later. That was probably a fluke and not a curse. First up, was there a wedding? Was it a sham? MSNBC weighs in:
There’s a ring and rumors of a small ceremony, but is there really a marriage between Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon? Maybe not, said a source who knows Mariah.

“The lady loves publicity. She’s also got a good sense of humor. If no one gets hurt, why wouldn’t she let the rumors swirl a little while longer and maybe help sales?” said the source.
And the pair's families can't quite get their stories straight either. Take it away TMZ:
Exhibit A: Mariah's nephew says not very cryptically on his Facebook page, as Us reports, that "what you may or may not have read or heard is not true," even though he says he was in the Bahamas. Exhibit B: Nick's fam "confirms" the "news," claiming that he told them he's married.
And if they are married, it looks like Mimi didn't learn any lessons from Paul McCartney, reports The New York Post:
"There was no pre-nup - there wasn't time," said another worried source.
And because we know that all you're really interested in is what the kids in 1890 referred to as "bling," on to the jewelery, via People:
The ring, jeweler Jacob & Co. confirmed to PEOPLE, is crafted from platinum and features a square, emerald-cut fancy light pink diamond in the center, surrounded by 58 intense pink diamonds, flanked by two half-moon diamonds. The total carat weight of the ring – the center stone alone is 10 carats – is a jaw-dropping 17 carats, with a value of $2.5 million.

Though some have speculated that Carey's ring is the same one Cannon gave to his former fiancée, Victoria's Secret model Seltia Ebanks, Ebanks's ring was 12 carats and made of colorless diamonds.
If that's the case, then Nick Cannon is about as creative as Nickelback, because those suckers sure look an awful lot a like. (See, 'cause Nickelback has been writing the same song for ten years, and Nick Cannon . . . designed the . . . same ring . . . twice? Oh, shut up. You come up with a better joke, tough guy. We bet it would go a little something like this: "Mariah and married both start with the letter M. And M's kind of look like boobs. HAHAHAHA!" Good job, Mr. Comedian.)

NOTE: The man in the above photo with Mimi is NOT Nick Cannon, though this whole story would be a hell of a lot more interesting if Mariah were possibly married to a homeless man in a wheelchair. Sorry, Nick, but you're super boring in comparison. And in general too. more »
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May 01, 2008

The Glitterfly Takes a Groom

mariah carey engagement ring.jpg Our Mimi is going to be a bride! And this time she won't be marrying a creepy old rich dude who will make her a star but keep her in a very glittery cage but instead a young upstart of unknown financial means! The upside to Mariah having to forfeit some of her cherished closet space? We took this chance to look up Nick Cannon on Wikipedia and finally know why he's famous. He was on All That! Just like that guy on SNL. And the other one. Anyway, Access Hollywood reports:
It appears Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are ready to make beautiful music together.

A source close to Mariah has confirmed to Access Hollywood that the music diva is engaged to Nick Cannon.

Reps for both singers were unavailable for comment.

The couple sent the rumor mill into overdrive when 38-year-old Mariah (with Nick on her arm) was seen sporting a dazzling new piece of bling on her ring finger at the after party for her Tribeca film, “Tennessee,” in New York.

When asked at the party what he loved about Mariah, 27-year-old Nick gave a one-word answer.

“Everything,” he told People.

Up until recently, Mariah had been romantically linked to music executive Mark Sudack. However, she never confirmed the romance.

Mariah was previously married to record executive Tommy Mottola from 1993 – 1998.

Nick was previously engaged to Victoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks in 2007. However, the couple called off the engagement that same year.

This will be the first marriage for the “Drumline” star.
We can picture it now: Mariah will be swathed in a yard or so of the finest fabric known to man, surrounded by rare purple orchids, and after the couple's first marital kiss, a million fluttering butterflies will swarm around them. Then the butterflies will eat Nick alive for stealing their master. Either that, or Nick will just use all the crap he bought for his canceled wedding. According to Hollywood Grind:
Mariah’s engagement ring was previously on Nick’s former fiance’s finger, Vctoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks, in 2007. Same ring, different girl. Nick doesn’t want his investment going to waste.
We doubt Mariah ever even wears her clothes twice, and those were on her body. She will not be pleased with a ring that touched the skin of some sub-semi-famous underwear model. more »
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April 21, 2008

Mariah Carey Fans: She Got Them Feeling Emotion! Anger, That Is.

mariah_carey_3.png Mariah Carey is a bottomless pit of entertainment and amusement. But fans best take heed--when the Glitterfly spreads her wings and flits about, it is a beautiful sight to behold, but her sting! Oh, it is deadly! Mariah's latest diva antics: showing up two hours late to a CD signing, not actually signing a thing, and then taking off, leaving fans who had waited eight hours to meet her totally S.O.L. According to IMDb, one of the snubbed angrily said,
"The first 1,000 people who bought her album from (record store) FYE got a guaranteed meet and greet (wristband), but she left with more than a hundred people still waiting. Some fans booed and others even trashed their copies of Mariah's new CD and yelled profanities at her."
Forget Los Angeles after the Rodney King verdit. Bullocks to Watts! The most brutal riot in history will surely be the Anti-Mariah Carey rally of 2008. Picture it! Demonstrators toasting marshmallows on a pyre of flaming Charmbracelet CDs! Photos of Jack the Jack Russell terrier being burned in effigy! Glitter on a big screen with a large vat of feces for throwin'! Tommy Mattola leading the crowd in The Wave! more »
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March 17, 2008

Kate Beckinsale Embraces Her Inner Glitterfly

kate beckinsale with homeless man.jpg This picture is:
A) A red-carpet snap from the premiere of Reunited, a feel-good movie that finds glamorous adopted movie star Kate Beckinsale searching for her birth father and discovering that he's Robin Williams, the homeless man she gives a dollar to outside of The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf every morning. Or,
B) 2008's version of this classic paparazzi moment:






mariah carey with homeless man.jpg

We're inclined to go with B. And while we appreciate Kate's effort and think she did a smashing job in emulated Mariah Carey, Mimi will retain her crown as queen of the beautiful escorts to the homeless, if only because she went the extra mile and simulated a pole dance against her companion's wheelchair.
more »
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February 22, 2008

Mariah Carey: Vision of Jugs Part II

mariah carey topless bikini 1.jpg Mariah Carey is absolute magic. We're convinced that a twittering flock of bluejays helps her dress in the morning. One holds up a yellow gingham frock, one a rainbow-emblazoned tube top and a pair of hot pants, one a can of blue spray paint that can stand in for a pair of super tight jeans, all tweeting to capture Mimi's attention until she decides which aspect of her personality she wishes to indulge that day. But once in a while Mimi's avian companions must take a day off, visit the park, socialize with other feathered creatures, and Mariah is left to fend for herself, sometimes resulting in incomplete outfits like the half a bikini displayed here. Yet Mariah still employs the help of all creatures great and small (and a couple of other handy props) to retain her demure dignity. Observe:

mariah carey topless bikini 2.jpg mariah carey topless bikini 3.jpg mariah carey topless bikini 4.jpg
Obviously these snaps (an extension of the peek Mimi gave us back in January) are posed, as no human is that adept at keep their junk hidden while wearing only bikini bottoms, especially when picking up a dog, putting the dog down, picking up a glass of wine, picking up her shoes, reading a magazine as it's perched in front of her chest, etc. Britney Spears shows more nipple while wearing a ski jacket. But we do love the whimsical comedy of these photos, exposed boobies or no. In that last one we almost expect that little barker to chomp on to Mimi's bottoms and pull them down, Coppertone style. Yet if that were to happen, we're sure that somehow Mariah's crack would still stay hidden; perhaps she even keeps a fluffy pink carnation stuffed there just in case.

More of Mimi's mamless pics can be found at Drunken Stepfather.
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January 23, 2008

Mariah Carey: Vision of Jugs

mariah-carey-topless.jpgOh, Mariah, you nutty, freaky, shrieking cuckoobird. Our love for you has no limits. The Glitterfly has spread her gilded, shimmery wings and blasted us with a faceful of toplessness! Mariah Carey candids are always so confounding. She's always caught, seemingly unawares, in a state of pleasant surprise, though her arm or magazine or umbrella is tilted just so, obscuring the money shot, while her hair remains an immobile helmet of lustrousness, her abs stay flexed, her chin is tilted at just the right angle. You could sneak up behind her with a camera while she's making waste on the toilet, and when you got your picture developed, she would appear to be sitting on a throne made of emeralds, her skin with nary a pore, bluebirds fluttering around her face holding a banner that reads "FIERCE". She's like a ninja or something.

(Pic via Egotastic!) more »
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January 09, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Ambrosio of the Gods

alessandra-ambrosio-bikini-1-06.jpg • Model Alessanda Ambrosio is out Victoria's Secret undies. Yayyy! And into a bikini. Boooo. No, wait. Yay. (Egotastic!)

• "I'm Fat Shady, yes I'm the Fat Shady, all you other Fat Shadys are just imatatin'." (Cityrag)

• We can't improve on this original headline: 1 Hayden, 2 Cups. (Hollywood Tuna)

Penelope Cruz and very attractive sister wear clothes, look pretty, have picture taken. (Daily Stab)

• Due to the writers' strike, the Golden Globes will be much less golden; globular. (Yeeeah!)

Blake Lively's schnozz: from Sevigny to sliced. (Radar Online)

Mariah Carey actually would rather be onstage with J. Lo than a pig after all. Good to know. (Celebitchy)

Britney's car was impounded. There was no way for her to avoid bein' grounded. Her parents had to come up from vacation and get me, I'd rather be in jail than to have my father hit me. So tell you all the kids all across the land, there's no need to argue, parents just don't understand. Dee doo doo doo. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Bono completes the final phase of his slow transformation into Robin Williams. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Not even MC Skat Kat can save Paula Abdul from crazy's grasp now. (The Blemish)

Britney dresses her offspring as golf caddies. Or, possibly, Andre 3000. (Allie Is Wired)

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January 08, 2008

Jenny from the Sty

mariah_air_quotes.jpgPoor Jennifer Lopez, her twin-riddled gut growing to previously unchartered proportions, will be none to pleased to hear what our personal God, Mariah Carey, has said about her. Apparently, Inside Hollywood asked Mimi if she would ever be interested in performing a duet with Lopez, and Mariah gleefully spat back:
"I'd rather be on stage with a pig! A duet with Jennifer Lopez and me just ain't gonna happen."
Actually, having Mariah onstage with a pig would be pretty charming, like a much more glittery and fabulous version of Charlotte's Web. Mimi can be a latter-day Fern, in pigtails and a halter top exposing her spray-on abs, while J. Lo ruts around in a pen in the corner under a large, blinged-out spiderweb that intermittently spells out stuff like "SOME HARPY" and "RADIANT CRONE".
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January 03, 2008

Mariah to Pillage Small Wonder for Spare Parts

mariah_lip_wax.jpgIn a world in which Kiefer Sutherland chills in random old man bars in suburban L.A. and Matt Damon marries a Miami bartendress, that hallowed line between celebrities and mortals is sadly blurred. As fans of Liberace-style candelabra-coated excess, we prefer the good old days, where Michael Jackson would sleep in an oxygen chamber and Prince would hire goons to shatter the patellae of persons who looked him directly in the eye. So any story about Mariah Carey is welcome, especially when said story involves her wishing for a device meant for the severely physically impaired. According to our gossip physical therapist, Female First, Mariah recently bleated,
"Before a big show I have to do 'vocal rest' where I'm not allowed to speak for two days. It's so boring having to write notes to everyone! I need Stephen Hawking's voice machine for when I'm on vocal rest. I'd like a machine where I can just think and it comes out in a robot voice - that would be amazing!"
This kind of smacks of the same preposterousness as the fake "I want to be skinny like Ethiopians, only without all the flies and death and stuff" quote attributed to Mariah, but still. In addition to employing a gum-toter and straw-dangler, Mariah going all Neil Young Trans on us is heartily endorsed. Just look what it did for T-Pain! Your career will go ringtone crazy, Mimi!
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August 23, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Duff Muff?

Bridget_Moynahan_pregnant.jpgBridget Moynahan gave birth to a giant football yesterday. (Celebitchy)

Anna Faris makes with the cheek-smugglers. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jessica Biel is happy to share her chest chasm with you in FHM. (Egotastic!)

• Attractive drip Adrian Grenier throws genital caution to the wind and hangs out with Paris Hilton. (The Blemish)

Christina Aguilera's baby will not go hungry. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Sweden makes the call: Bill Murray is one beer over par! (IDLYITW)

Mariah Carey obscures breasts with lace grandma curtain; cirrus clouds. (Cityrag)

Lindy Loho thinks that rehab is serious business. You can tell by her no-nonsense hair bun and utilitarian mom-chic hoodie. (Yeeeah!)

• The main peril of being a housecat is accidentally drinking antifreeze. Unless you're Pete Doherty's cat, then the biggest problem is a couple of bumps of coke sprinkled atop your Meow Mix. (A Socialite's Life)

Hilary Duff: womanly folds or crotch seam? (Taxi Driver)

Hayden Panettiere: now old enough for lactose bukkake! (Celeb Warship)

Jennifer Love Hewitt cries when she watches herself act. That's so funny, because we also wail uncontrollably when we have to watch her act. (Daily Stab)

Kurt Russell sports flaccid ding dongage and a solid B-cup. (Allie Is Wired)

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July 10, 2007

Celebrity Bikini Round-Up

Hayden_Panettiere_Bikini.jpgChrist on a cross, there are so many pictures of female celebrities in bikinis floating around today, we don't even know what to do with ourselves today. Aside from "playing" with ourselves, but that's generally frowned upon in the workplace, which we found out when we were working the night shift at the medical examiner's office. Stupid sexy corpses.



1. Hayden Panettiere

Hayden_Panettiere_bikini2.jpg

Hayden's on Heroes. She plays a cheerleader. She's seventeen years old, but she's not exactly naked. Still, if you look at these pictures on your computer, Chris Hansen will show up at your house with a camera crew and you will cry at your kitchen table with your hands over your head, saying, "Mah life's overrrrr!" (More pics here)

2. Eva Mendes

eva-mendes-bikinia.jpg

Eva once claimed that she could magically control the size of her bajoongas. Today she deflated them for maximum swimming speed. That was an incredibly weak joke but she looks completely un-make-funnable. Humbled. (More pics here)

3. Mariah Carey

mariah_carey_bikini.jpg

It's our beloved Glitterfly, Mimi. How does one achieve a state of constant cheesecakey pinup posing? Does she have assistants contort and tape down her body into various Vargas poses at night? (More pics here)

4. Hilary Swank

hillary_swank_bikini.png

Haha, just fooling! That's Matt Damon in a bikini. (More pics here)


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June 12, 2007

Lohan Must've Really, Really Liked Glitter

lindsay_lohan_growl.jpgLee Weaver is a man who was formerly Lindsay Lohan's bodyguard who's now singing like the proverbial stool pigeon, trying to stir up a book deal by spilling Lindsay's chamber of secrets to the press. Not only does she snarf more coke than Tony Montana, not only is she a fan of mound-pounding the ladies, she's a cutter whose self-destructive side became so intense that Weaver was forced to quit, because the job was "too dangerous". This from a man who had previously worked for Robert Downey Jr.

But the most important thing you need to know is that Lindsay rubbed her meathooks all over Mariah Carey's Mimis. more »
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April 03, 2007

Mariah Carey Heard Babies Make You Look Thin, Plans to Adopt

mariah carey walks dog.jpg It's been awhile since we've heard news of our beloved Mimi--she's probably been off in Tahiti or somewhere having every inch of her skin tattooed with the perfect shade of tan--so let's get an update. According to MSNBC:
Will Mariah Carey be the next celeb to adopt from across the border?

The “Heartbreaker” singer visited a Mexican orphanage with her lawyer recently, according to gossips there, and is possibly interested in adopting one of the children.

Carey spent time at the Frank Gonzalez orphanage in Mexico, according to Carey fan sites, which quote a Latin-oriented radio program called “America Showbiz.”

Carey’s reps said they don’t comment on the singer’s personal life.
Mariah probably got pissed when she shaved her Cornsilk Cabbage Patch Kid's head in homage to Britney and it didn't grow back, so she wanted a new toy. Someone should warn her, though, that a baby's hair may grow back, but when you cut off its chubby little arm to use as a kitschy back scratcher it's going to stay that way. more »
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February 15, 2007

But Did She Demand the Entire Plane Be Painted Gold in Her Honor?

mariah abs.jpg Do you ever wonder just how Mariah Carey manages to pay for things like her very own personal gum-disposal engineer when it appears that every cent of her residuals goes to encrusting the soles of her Jimmy Choos with diamonds and covering every surface in her home with baby mink fur? Girl's smart; she gets somebody else to pay for it. more »
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October 27, 2006

Hong Kong Will Not Be Mariah Carey's Bitch

We Americans are weak. We see star power on the level of Mariah Carey and we are helpless to ward against its strenuous demands. Repaint that Best Buy break room before Mariah enters? Sure, it'll only take a couple hours, and it'll bring Mariah uninterrupted minutes of pleasure. Carry her around on our back because her feet are incapable of becoming parallel to the floor? No problem, we've got a chiropractor appointment tomorrow anyway. But the Chinese, they're tough. They ain't takin' shit from no American lady in lingerie that cost enough to feed an entire village in Hunan Province. more »
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June 30, 2006

The Purplefication of Mimi

Our favorite celebrity rumor of years gone by (back in the time when ponchos and Ugg boots were the height of fashion) was the one claiming that Billy Bob Thornton only ate orange food. (It was only surpassed by the rumor that Snoop Dogg have given up the weed. That one was funny.) We imagined Billy Bob with stashes of Cheetos and carrot sticks and mashed sweet potatoes in his man purse. We never thought of Billy Bob as much of a trendsetter, but to Mariah Carey he must be what Vicki "Mama's Family" Lawrence is to us. We do everything Mama does. more »