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filed under: Marc Anthony

July 15, 2008

JLo's Baby-Clothes Budget: Eighty Bajillion Dollars

Jenifer_Lopez_with_babies_twins.jpg Your babies: never wear clothes more than once because after about an hour they are covered in vomit and diarrhea. Jennifer Lopez's babies: never wear clothes more than once because washing laundry is for poor people. Oh, and the other difference. While your kids' clothes come from the clearance rack at Old Navy (Baby Gap if it's a really special occasion), Max and Emme Anthony are only swathed in the finest European fabrics. Which then get turned into really luxurious rags, we're guessing. JLo's maids are so spoiled. According to The Mirror:
Even by Jennifer Lopez's extravagant standards, this takes some beating...

The actress apparently insists on dressing her five-month-old twins in new designer gear every day.

We're told: "Jennifer was approached by a charity and asked to donate some dresses for a celebrity auction. She agreed and donated a gorgeous £5,000 frock.

"She also offered some of Max and Emme's clothes, telling organisers that she never lets them 'repeat' outfits.

"But the auction deals only in adult clothes. Jennifer told them it was a shame, as some items cost over $1,000 (£500) each."
Curiously, Jennifer isn't so concerned when it comes to the little tykes' diapers, meticulously washing an re-using each one, even if she has to employ public sinks and Pink Panther-hued soap. What can we say, she's an environmentalist. more »
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June 18, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: An Emmy's Just Like a Razzie, Right?

lohanpeeved.jpgLindsay Lohan has pulled a Heigl and withdrawn her name from the Emmy race. To which the Emmy panel said, "OK. Sounds good. Who's Lindsay Lohan?" (Celebitchy)

Mickey Rourke takes his new face out to ogle some gay stripper's grape-smugglers. (Yeeeah!)

Keanu Reeves is seeing China Chow. You're also seeing China Chow. Seeing her topless, that is. In related news, China Chow is not kibble for Chinese people that comes in a 15 lb bag. Who knew? (Taxi Driver)

Jennifer Lopez and Unfrozen Caveman Husband take their spawn out for some fresh air. (Faded Youth)

• Forget danceoffs; Mel B is getting her revenge on Eddie Murphy with an album called Beverly Hills Cock. That sounds nice. (Daily Stab)

• The many toups of Jeremy Piven. (Cityrag)

Nicole Richie gets her Mrs. Roper on. (Seriously OMG WTF?!)

Gisele Bundchen speaks highly of beau Tom Brady; says he "doesn't have a bad bone in his body." That's right, because his bad bone is in YOUR body. Swish! (CelebWarship)

• Boil some water and get some clean sheets--Britney's on her way to Lousiana to be there for Jamie-Lynn's birthin'! Wait a minute, we're talking about Spearses. Boil some Diet Mountain Dew and get some dirty sheets! (The Hollywood Gossip)

Puffy Dangle Doobie Diddle waxes his nutbag. It is imperative that we know this. (The Blemish)

Kate Moss dons a tasteful, maternal see-through dress to take her daughter for a stroll. (Flisted)

Anne Hathaway is all, "there once was a man from Nantucket." (WENN)

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April 24, 2008

J.Lo Officially on Same Fame Level as Heidi Montag and Dina Lohan

jennifer lopez and marc anthony get jiggy.jpg Soon, on a television screen near you, you will witness the day-to-day lives of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony-Lopez as they do what rich people do. Not certain? Whether you will also witness Marc attempt to do what living, breathing, non-flesh-eating humans do. According to IMDB:
Jennifer Lopez has landed her very own reality TV show. Cameras will follow the singer as she launches a new fragrance while trying to juggle her music and acting careers with motherhood. The Maid In Manhattan star, mother to two-month-old twins Max and Emme, will co-executive produce the show for U.S. cable channel TLC. She says, "I'm looking forward to sharing this exciting journey together." TLC president, Angela Shapiro-Mathes, tells People.com, "Jennifer is unbelievably passionate about life and will be an incredible role model for our audience."
We have a feeling this will be a huge hit with the Wal-Mart crowd. They'll tune in every week while perched atop their Value City Furniture sofa eating a Budget Gourmet lasagna frozen meal and drinking 2-2-liters-for-$2 Diet Rite to watch Jenny Lo and her associates decide just which piece of ultra-rare Siberian penguin skin they should use to line the vanity drawers in the third guest bathroom. They won't be fooled by the rocks that she got. more »
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February 22, 2008

Jennifer Lopez Begets Dos

jloskeletor.jpgHumbled diva Jennifer Lopez and her reanimated spouse Marc Anthony are finally parents (pictured at left: the babies' conception)! Well, J. Lo is finally a parent. Marc has like 5 other kids or something. But they're all old and worn-out and dumb, so who cares. Quoth the People:
It's double the baby joy for Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony: They're the proud new parents of twins, a boy and a girl, Lopez's manager tells PEOPLE exclusively.

The babies were born early Friday in Long Island, N.Y. The girl was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and the boy followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs.

"Jennifer and Marc are delighted, thrilled and over the moon," Lopez's manager Simon Fields tells PEOPLE exclusively.
What is with the cloyingly precious trend of celebrities announcing pregnancies or births by stating they're "over the moon"? It's usually coupled with the equally vomity "BABY JOY!!!" via the tabloids. Listen, people, if you're going to steal a cutesy preggo term from the British media, at least let it be "she fell pregnant". That one is acceptable because it sounds like someone succumbing to a wasting disease of late eighteenth century London. "Alas, poor Edgar. He finally perished after suffering from the dropsy, consumption, and the grippe. So sad! And mere months after his wife fell pregnant and contracted milk leg and the quinsy. Tut tut!"
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February 19, 2008

J.Lo to Bank $3 Mil Per Snoob Sucker

jennifer lopez and marc anthony sing together.jpg We're going to be frank with you, readers: not being famous totally sucks a big fat wiener. We're sick of it. We don't get anything for free, we don't have even one perfume named after us, and if we pooped out a baby or two not even our grandparents would pay us for exclusive rights to the first baby photos. It's not fair, we tell ya. We want to get paid $6 million to have pretty pictures taken of us with a couple of infants. We might even be able to stomach being married to Marc Anthony for perks like that. MSNBC dishes on the little bundles of (monetary) joy about to pass through Jennifer Lopez's ham hole:
How much is too much to pay for baby photos? That’s the many-million-dollar question, and it’s being asked now more than ever as the end of Jennifer Lopez’ pregnancy grows near.

Although magazines make it a rule to not disclose the final numbers, People magazine reportedly shelled out $6 million for the first crack at photos of J.Lo’s twins, but that deal only accounts for rights to publish the pics in the United States.

OK! magazine has also struck an exclusive deal for photos of the Lopez/Anthony babies. Their pics will run in OK!’s 15 international editions, the magazine confirms. “It is fantastic for those markets, and especially important with the immense strength the exclusive will bring to the new launch of OK! Spain,” said a spokesperson for the magazine. The Spain edition launches March 26. (Which begs the question: Is J.Lo not due for another month?)

So why pass on the rights to publish the photos here in the United States? One magazine industry insider said that frankly, Lopez’ appeal in the U.S. isn’t as broad as many people — including Lopez — would like to think.

“Look at her track record with her movies, and look at her album sales. The U.S. market hasn’t been fascinated with her in some time,” the insider explained. “It makes more sense to not spend a fortune on photos that won’t cause a noticeable increase on the newsstand. This just isn’t going to sell like Shiloh (Jolie-Pitt), and $6 million is a lot of money.”

Another magazine insider says that the OK! approach is noteworthy. “There’s a real difference between U.S. appeal and international appeal, and most celebrities don’t really understand that.”
We think OK! has this whole thing wrong. J.Lo's tots shouldn't be compared to the divine human perfection embodied by Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, but rather the intense curiosity surrounding the birth of Suri Cruise. We eagerly awaited Suri's first pictures, wondering just what a human/robot/alien hybrid would look like. Likewise will we anticipate the birth of the Lopez-Anthony babies, wondering what characteristics human/corpse/zombie children will possess.
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February 08, 2008

J.Lo Really Looking Forward To Birth Publicity

jennifer lopez marc anthony unicef pregnant.jpg We really thought we wouldn't see Jennifer Lopez until she'd farted out her tots, passed them on to a nanny, and spent three straight months on a treadmill, and then it would be with a glowing, beautifully lit ten-page spread in OK! of her and Skeletor and the twins gushing about how rewarding motherhood is and how she's spent the three months since her birth pureeing peas and carrots in the Cuisinart and learning how to clean up spittle, for which she would be paid more than the final take of El Cantante. But instead she's parading her hugely inflated gut all over New York, making for some prime photo ops like these:


jennifer lopez unicef pregnant.jpg jennifer lopez unicef prenant 2.jpg
Plus, JennyLo wants that OK! scratch so bad, she banking on her little ones' birthday falling before deadline time. Reports MSNBC:
If all goes according to plan, Jennifer Lopez will be receiving two special valentines: namely, her twin babies, who are due on Thursday, Feb. 14.

While this date has been bandied about before, a source close to Lopez said Valentine’s Day is the date she’s been focused on since the beginning of her pregnancy. “She didn’t just like it because of the obvious correlation, which is sweet, but she also was happy that it ... would easily make the deadline for the weekly magazine covers.”

The source said that Lopez would love it if she was able to have the first photo shoot take place in one of the three nurseries she’s had designed by Petit Tresor. “She spent over $120,000 on them (the nurseries),” said the source.

There’s no overall theme to the nurseries, but all of them include cribs, changing tables and armoires imported from France and England and “some of it has 18 karat gold on the legs and knobs. The rooms will even have crystal chandeliers.”

The twins, who are rumored to be named Anna Maria and Marc Ruiz, will be sharing a room, at least at first.
Anna Maria and Marc Ruiz do not sound like names J.Lo would choose for her children. They're just so ordinary. And they don't help her sell a goddamn thing. We're guessing she'll name them after her upcoming film projects, Love and Other Impossible Pursuits and The Governess. They both pair so beautifully with Anthony.
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January 30, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: "Stinkin'. S-T-I-N-K-I-N."

uma_thurman_bikini.jpgUma Uma Uma mow mow ma ma Uma mow mow. In a bikini. (Though, going by the cast on her arm, these may be old, mow mow) (Hollywood Tuna)

Britney's still on the loose, and so are her breasts. (Taxi Driver)

Kate Hudson says that Matthew McConaughey smells like hot garbage. (Yeeeah!)

Sean Young's fun-loving, booze-guzzling ass heads to rehab. And the softcore thriller industry grinds to a screeching halt for 90 days. (IMDb)

J. Lo and Corpsey plan to name their twins after the costar of Doogie Howser, M.D. and the plus size hostess of various E! programs. (Daily Stab)

Diora Baird makes with the MySpace-style nudie shots. (Drunken Stepfather)

Nicole Richie plans on getting back down to fighting weight ASAP. Fighting weight being 83 lbs. (Celeb Parasite)

• In the midst of a family intervention, Britney buys a new Mercedes. Because she can. Suck it, bitches! (GlossLip)

Amy Winehouse's mom is a regular ray of sunshine; talks headstones and caskets. (Holy Taco)
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December 11, 2007

Jennifer Lopez Is Fetal Overachiever, Birthing Twins

jennifer lopez marc anthony extra arm.jpg Jennifer Lopez is sick and tired of these little gringas thinking that they're better than her just because they can sing and dance and sell records and whatnot. She just accomplished the biggest feat that a woman nearing forty can accomplish: She got knocked up! And by a skeleton/corpse/zombie hybrid no less! That's really something. So none of those little tarts can touch her. And to prove that she's better than all of them, she's having twins. That's two babies at once, people! It's hard. And don't you think about trying it, Christina Aguilera, because if you do JLo will concentrate really, really hard and grow a third baby in her lady gut. Sure it might come out a little runty, with only half the gestation time of the other babies, but she'll love it just the same. It'll look just like its daddy! Oh, and it will be swathed in cashmere. Rush & Molloy report:
Jennifer Lopez is leaving no doubt she's expecting boy and girl twins — and that they will grow up in the sort of luxury befitting royals. In fact, the 38-year-old mama-to-be bought pink and blue onesies: one monogrammed "princess," the other, "prince."

Both son and daughter will get equal comfort by the looks of the gifts she's requested on her top-secret gift registry at Petit Tresor, the exclusive L.A. baby boutique.

It's not known whether pals and business types who want to curry her favor will spring for both babies or one, because what mama wants is pricey.

There's the $349 cashmere outfit, one in pink stripes, one in blue, from Baby CZ.

There are two Moses baskets for $225 each, though there are Smushy teddy bears with pink or blue ribbons for $65.

If you really want to get on the diva's good side, pick out the Balmoral enameled black carriage for a mere $3,495.

There's one $289 suede play mat. Guess they'll have to share.

The cheapest item is the Adiri Natural Nurser at $22. Lopez wants 10 of those.

There's also a $560 jogging stroller for two. It's not known whether we should expect to see J.Lo or her nannies trotting around with the infants.

She's also requested not one but two double Peg Perego strollers for $429 — one in toffee, and one in mint. Don't speculate that she might even be expecting quadruplets; she's tricoastal.

Lopez, who Fortune called the richest woman under 40 in America, isn't leaving all the spending up to her pals, who have until February to save up for the gift(s).

She's having the tastemakers at Petit Tresor design three nurseries for the teeny totlets at the couple's estates in Bel Air, Fisher Island, and Oyster Bay, says a friend. Lopez is spending $40,000 to outfit each nest, the pal adds, including gilded cribs. "She wants them filled with the most chic furniture from Europe and embroidered linens from France." In pink and blue, natch.

Petit Tresor co-owner Samantha Winch would say only: "We don't talk about any of our clients."
Did we miss something somewhere? The richest woman under 40 in America? Where exactly is Jenny Lo getting all of her money? Her movies go directly to video, she's only toured ONCE in her entire career, her albums don't seem to sell at all anymore. Is it because we're not keyed in to the Latino community, so we just don't see how adored she is? When she visits a Puerto Rican neighborhood do the inhabitants carry her around in an elevated throne and throw bundles of $20 bills at her feet? Does SoundScan not count sales at Julio's House of Salsa? more »
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November 08, 2007

J. Lo Admits It

jlo_skeletor.jpgHot on the heels of Christina Aguilera finally manning up to the fact that there is a being all up in her pelvis, Jennifer Lopez is conceding. She fought the good fight, but she simply couldn't hold out any longer and admits insemination. The announcement came on the last night of her tour with husband/unfrozen caveman troubadour Marc Anthony:



The video is horrifying. Watch in terror as J. Lo and her he-concubine take the stage, beaming down on their yelping minions. For one excruciating minute they stand there, like a Puerto Rican Eva Peron and her lapdog. Instead of opening her mouth and imploring her serfs to cease crying for her, she instead beamingly admits that she let the corpse next to her ejaculate inside of her. Her disciples erupt into a deafening howl of victory. Unto them a king shall be borned! Pay particularly close attention to the plaintive wails of the woman holding the camera. J. Lo's pregnancy announcement has made her life, and it's chilling. Congratulations, Lopez, you crazy fucking Creme de la Mer-coated harridan. Tiny Balenciaga onesies and emerald-encrusted pacifiers await. Excelsior! more »
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September 19, 2007

The Magical, Mythical JLo Fetus Makes His Monthly Appearance

jennifer lopez pregnant green dress.jpg In the past few years the over-thirty-and-single set seems to have exalted Halle Berry and Jennifer Lopez to queen-like status, standing as shining examples that you can go through a lot of shit with the Bennifer thing and the my-husband-fucked-half-of-Los-Angeles thing and come out with a good man (or zombie, whichever) by your side. And the singletons have been so keen on these ladies living the dream that we've been on constant bump watch for far too long. And we fucking hate bump watch. And we've always erred on the side of an extra bacon double cheeseburger residing in the tummy, not a fetus. But Halle had to go and confuse us by actually getting knocked up. So could JennyLo really be with child? Nah. She's probably just depressed that Marc Anthony wasted all his seed on some other lady and is eating her feelings. But nonetheless, IMDB says:
Jennifer Lopez is pregnant with her first child, according to reports. The singer/actress is due to give birth in the spring, according to U.S. publication In Touch Weekly, which claims Lopez and husband Marc Anthony received the good news after visiting her Beverly Hills gynecologist, fertility specialist Dr. Robert Katz. Sources tell the publication she had an ultrasound performed in a New York office on September 12. One insider says, "The test calculated that she was about 12 weeks pregnant." The couple has been trying to get pregnant for the past two years, and eventually turned to in vitro fertilization. And those close to the couple claim the baby news could be a double blessing - doctors think Lopez, 38, could be expecting twins. A pal tells In Touch, "The way the fetus is lying made it difficult for the doctor to tell if there was more than one baby in there." It is not known whether the baby news will upset the couple's upcoming tour dates, which begin in early November. This will be the couple's first child together. Anthony, 39, already has three children from previous relationships.
But the New York Daily News counters:
In Touch weekly proclaimed yesterday that Jennifer Lopez is finally expecting a baby, or maybe even twins — but that's news to hubby Marc Anthony. "Everyone calls about this every month with the hopes that they'll hit the mark," Anthony's rep told us, "but no. No." A flack for In Touch said it's sticking by the story.
So she's pregnant. Or she's pregnant with twins. Or she's not pregnant at all. And Marc is a zombie. Or a vampire. Or a corpse. God, there are so many options. We just don't know what to believe.
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September 13, 2007

J. Lo Preg. O All Over Again

jennifer_lopez_belly_1.jpgAs of late, J. Lo's distinguished buns of yore have taken a backseat to young, brash, fat-keistered upstarts such as your Kardashians and your Biels. Instead of focusing on what's important--her gigantic ass--all we've been hearing about is Jen's cobwebby womb and how she thinks God will send her a baby when she's ready. God has hated her thus far, and we've suffered through many an "OMG! BABY BUMP!" spotting, but seriously, dudes, check out the picture at left. It was taken at a fashion show for her line, JustSweet, and a source told MediaTakeout:
“Everyone was crowding around her and congratulating her about [her pregnancy]. She was really happy about it, and so was Marc Anthony.”
You all know that we're not ones to buy into hysterical fetal speculation, but either that Jen is with child or she spent all her On the 6 royalties on churros. more »
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April 11, 2007

J.Lo to Replace Skeletor with Human Paramour?

jlo and marc sing.jpg Not only is Marc Anthony a scary little troll who looks like he chases down pigeons on city streets and sucks out their blood, apparently he's also "controlling" and "suffocating." Meanwhile, Ben Affleck spends afternoons in the park pushing Violet on the swings and stealing kisses with his adoring wife, all the while an enormous smile plastered on his face. If in thirty years a Grey Gardens-like documentary about J.Lo's later years is released in which she dances around her living room with a dressmaker's dummy calling it Ben we will not be surprised. more »
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February 16, 2007

JLo Enrolls in L. Ron's Aliens and You: An Introduction

j lo anthony.jpg You might be thinking to yourself, "Why is Jennifer Lopez sharing her breath with the walking corpse she calls a husband? What purpose does he serve in her life that couldn't be fulfilled by a loyal lap dog, a really good personal assistant, and a two-inch vibrator?" We're guessing she will continue pumping him full of oxygen long enough for him to reach the Operating Thetan level that will allow him to FINALLY impregnate her. Then it's off to the morgue with you, Anthony. more »
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January 06, 2006

Skeletor Is a Jealous Man

If you looked like a carved apple that had been left out in the sun or that priest who fondled our privates in 1978 and told us that Jesus would never forgive us if we told, you wouldn't want your wife kissing all over some male model. And that's exactly why Marc Anthony had to raise his squeaky little voice and tell Jennifer Lopez, "Hell no, bitch!" more »
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July 28, 2005

J. Lo Gets Depressed, Damns Gods of Fertility

Jennifer is sad. And for once we’re not talking about Jennifer Aniston. Rather Jennifer Lopez got bummed the fuck out when a reporter for Elle magazine asked her about Ben Affleck’s new marriage and incubating spawn. more »
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March 10, 2005

J. Lo's Ass Immortalized in Oils

J. Lo's big fat ass has been the muse of many an artistic dilettante. We've seen it ensconced in the finest fashions from Milan and Paree, jiggling hypnotically in our faces via aesthetically stunning music videos, heard it praised joyously in song. But her husband Marc Anthony knows that oil paint is the greatest medium in which to celebrate those twin globules of loin flesh. more »
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February 22, 2005

Is J. Lo Preg. O?

For years, the public has been obsessed with the size of Jennifer Lopez's ass. We marvel at it, we dissect the waxing and waning of its vastness, we dedicate VH1 shows to it. But the squaw of Anthony has been acting a little funny lately, so we finally tear our eyes away from her posterior and focus them firmly on her uterus. more »
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December 16, 2004

J. Lo Sez: No Grape-Smugglers for Marc

Poor Marc Anthony. Not only is he married to the most high-maintenance woman in the world, she won't even let him pick out his own panties. more »
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