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Poor Nicole Richie is damned if she do and damned if she don't. If she goes out and parties, people say she's a bad mother. But if she stays home, succubi hone in on her tattooed baby daddy, Joel Madden. Freckled succubi. Freckled succubi with flames shooting out of their crotches. Star has the story:
While Nicole Richie was home caring for her baby, her fiancé Joel Madden spent a boozy night partying with Lindsay Lohan. Needless to say, Nicole was crushed. The trouble started for the new mom after she decided to stay home with their 4-month-old daughter, Harlow, while Joel deejayed at Hornitos’ Cinco de Mayo party at Crown Bar in L.A. However, while there, the Good Charlotte rocker seemed more interested in a seductive Lindsay than in spinning records.
“Their heads were practically touching, and he had his leg over hers,” says one onlooker. “Joel has a flirtatious side, and he definitely wasn’t turning her away.” Nicole was immediately alerted to the situation by her arch-frenemy Paris Hilton, who sent her a devastating text message: Lindsay was all over Joel!
Making the situation worse, Nicole frantically tried to call Joel, but he wasn’t answering his phone. “He was so zeroed in on Lindsay, he never heard his cell ring,” a friend of the couple tells Star. “Nicole felt so incredibly helpless and upset that she threw her phone against the wall in a rage.”
When it comes to your boyfriend flirting with other girls at a club, sometimes you can just shrug it off, and sometimes it's a dealbreaker. It's like the dude is your bologna sandwich, and him talking to other girls is the 5 second rule. It falls on the ground, you shrug, make sure no one's looking, and pick it back up and eat it. But him touching Lindsay Lohan is like your sandwich falling into a puddle of diarrhea mixed with leeches. You just gotta cut your losses and move on. more »
Lindsay Lohan is not having a good week, despite launching her range, as the Brits say, of totally awesome, hot, sexy, fashionable leggings. First off, she's fighting with her clam slammer, reports Page Six:
YOU'D think Lindsay Lohan would be used to all the drama by now. But she was crying her eyes out the other night at the Crown Bar in West Hollywood, upset over a fight she had with her girlfriend Sam Ronson, who was deejaying. "They had a full-blown fight," said our spy. "Evan Ross, Diana's son, and Lauren Conrad comforted her while Lindsay kept wiping her tears."
We think we're beginning to admire Sam Ronson. She seems like she doesn't take any shit from anyone, she always has a really sour look on her face, and we're guessing that when Lindsay is at her most annoyingly self-indulgent Sam barks, "Bitch, STFU or I won't lick your pussy tonight." And we're also guessing that's the only thing that could ever make Lindsay shape up. Maybe Linds should employ Sam as her manager instead of Dina. We bet nobody would dare fire Lindsay if Sam were in charge, but when Mommy's pulling the strings, this happens (via Yeeeah!):
Patriot Pictures tells E! News that Lohan is no longer a part of “Ye Olde Times,” a rom-com in the world of Renaissance Faire. “We have just decided to go our separate ways. We currently have an offer out to another actor.” [Patriot Pictures] would not say whether Lohan was being replaced for insurance, scheduling reasons or for her reputation for being difficult on set.
Was Lindsay insisting on making the costumes too? "People at Ren Faires wear leggings; I make leggings. It'll be genius." Because those things Lindsay is substituting for pants are definitely grounds for dismissal.
Lindsay Lohan just can't catch a break. No one in Hollywood wants to work with her. They're probably worried that she'll steal all their shit. Nikki Finke reports:
Lohan has been un-attached from the independent feature The Manson Girls, written and to be directed by Matthew Bright, and produced by Elie Samaha, Donald Kushner, and Brad Wyman through Junction Films. Production was slated to commence in early July for five weeks in Los Angeles, and everybody was pleased that Lohan was attached back in March. (Some may, or may not, view this true life crime film for her as hitting bottom. Lindsay was to play the part of Nancy Pitman, a pampered surfer girl who became enthralled with Charlie Manson.) But people associated with the movie told agents that Lohan quickly became more of a deficit than an asset when they discovered that they couldn’t find any name actresses who wanted to co-star with her. (And even some name actors...) So now Lindsay is off the pic -- but not for the excuses being circulated. Let this be a lesson... Behaving badly may get you on the covers of celebrity-obsessed mags and tabloids. But Hollywood won't tolerate your shit and shouldn't.
Wait. Lindsay Lohan isn't qualified to play the part of a drugged-out young girl with an unhappy home life who has really, really bad taste in men? They do know we're talking about Lindsay Lohan, right, and not Lindsay Wagner? Do the producers really have that little faith in the remains of Lindsay's once-promising acting abilities? Did that many people actually see I Know Who Killed Me? more »
• Megan Fox takes "next Angelina Jolie" title literally, gets lipplants. (ONTD)
• Elisha Cuthbert stalks the sandy landscape in a bikini; cuddles muscular male; gets handsy with own buttocks. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's wedding photos will be in People. And they talk about being "soul mates". Even though they've known each other for six weeks. (Celebitchy)
• What mysterious pull do these Maddens have? Lindsay Lohan was busted trying to pick up Joel (that's Nicole Richie's Madden, not Paris Hilton's Madden) at a club the other night. There's not enough Maddens to go around. (Yeeeah!)
• Angelina Jolie is reportedly going to have twin girls. They'll have their mother's looks and their father's . . . looks. They can't go wrong! (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Amy Winehouse is slowly devolving from soulful songstress to drunken party girl to crackhead to missing link to ape. Photographic evidence exists. (Holy Taco)
• In other Lohan news, she's still stealing clothing from her friends. Because when girls' daddies don't love them, the fill up their hearts with pilfered fur. (The Blemish)
• Blake Lively may play a high schooler on Gossip Girl, but that rack is alllll freshman year at a state U, baby. (Fatback)
• Post-birth, Halle has some Berry nice cleavage. We knew our childhood obsession with Strawberry Shortcake speak would come in handy some day! (Flisted)
Lindsay Lohan’s possible involvement with “Ugly Betty” has been rumored for months, and now the beleaguered actress is finally onboard with the show, and even made her first appearance on set on May 3.
“She really, really needs this to go well,” said one industry source who has worked with Lohan in the past. “For the longest time she’s been getting terrible advice — that’s been obvious for quite some time. This is the first good decision she’s made from an acting standpoint since ‘Georgia Rules,’” according to the source.
So far, Lohan is off to a good start. Us Weekly reports that Lohan “arrived on set 45 minutes early,” and she and the show’s star, America Ferrera, “really hit it off.”
Whether this is a sign of a permanent professional upswing for Lohan remains to be seen, but the source, who worked with Lohan prior to her rehab stints, thinks anything is possible. “Look what Robert Downey Jr. has done with his career. He was in much worse shape than Lindsay, and look what he did. She just needs to keep making good choices.”
We sure hope that Lindsay's Ugly Betty appearance marks the one and only instance of her using Britney as a mentor in turning her life around. Because, while it's worked pretty well for Britney, we think that if Lindsay were to put her entire life in the hands of her father, there would be much different results. Results like Lindsay providing Us with a weekly photo diary and taking up residence in the guest bedroom of either Rush or Molloy.
Did you forget that Lindsay Lohan is supposedly a lesbian? Yeah, we did too. It's kind of like the last time Julia Roberts was pregnant, we forgot until the kid was crowning, only this time our memory will only really, permanently be jogged when we see Linds with her tongue exploring another lady's infant chute. We don't think we'd soon forget that image. But apparently we're not the only one who needs reminding that Lindsay likes to dine on DJ Sam's clam, as Page Six reports:
Lindsay Lohan gets feisty when it comes to gal pal Sam Ronson. The two spent the weekend partying at the Beatrice Inn on Friday and Hawaiian Tropic Zone on Saturday, where Ronson was spinning, but Lohan didn't like all the attention Ronson was getting. "Ashley Olsen said hello to Sam at the Beatrice, and Lindsay screamed at her, 'Get your 15-year-old 'Full House' a - - away from my girlfriend,' " said our spy. Saturday, Lohan said Ronson "was ignoring her" and became upset. "Samantha was really focused on her work and didn't leave the booth for anything," said our spy. Lindsay is so into her pal, she's even created a Facebook profile under "Lindsay Ronson."
We don't mean to be nitpicky or anything, but Ashley Olsen is actually about two and half weeks OLDER than Lindsay, so suck on that, Lindy Loho. Who's laughing now, huh? Is it you, little itty bitty baby, or is it your older, wiser, trollier nemesis? We're thinking it's Ashley. She did make about elevnty billion dollars when she was like four and never has to work again if she doesn't want to, while Lindsay will soon enough be begging for a part in Femalien III: Femalien Meets Shemalien.
Oh, and surprise, surprise, Linds has welcomed a dear old friend back into her bosom. A dear old friend named vodka. more »
After Lindsay Lohan was released from rehab that one time, she was seen somewhere in the vicinity of her father, Michael, a few times, she in her leggings, he in his turtleneck. But since then we don't think the father and daughter have so much as shared air in the same state. Yet Michael is constantly calling up Ben Widdcombe or some such, bragging about all the great projects he has lined up and how Lindsay is "so excited" to help him in his endeavors. Yet in reality, we're guessing that Linds doesn't even remember her dad's first name. "I think it's Mitchell or something. He was in jail once. I know that." Still, In Touch and other "news sources" buy into his E.B. White-level fairy tales of his perfect daddy-daughter relationship (with the marketable one, of course; that other girl was ceded to Dina years ago). Actually, E.B. White was far more believable. We saw a talking pig at McDonald's this morning when we were picking up our McGriddle. Says the mag:
Lindsay Lohan may soon be volunteering her time — and it’s not part of her parole. According to Lindsay’s dad, the recovering party girl has signed up to do missionary work with Times Square Church Missions. “She has made it clear she definitely wants to come along,” Michael Lohan tells In Touch of their plans. “Our trip next February encompasses the issue of child sexual slavery in India. We also deal with helping AIDS victims.” Michael, an ex-con-turned-youth minister, says that Lindsay, 21, is also considering other international missions. “Lindsay’s very spiritual. She has a wonderful heart, loves people and is very charitable,” Michael tells In Touch.
LINDSAY LOHAN has laughed off her father MICHAEL's claims she is planning to work as a missionary in India.
Born again-Christian Michael told a U.S. tabloid the star was eager to join him on a trip to the country next February (09) with New York's Times Square Church Missions.
He said, "Our trip encompasses the issue of child sexual slavery in India. We also deal with helping AIDS victims. She (Lindsay) has made it clear she definitely wants to come along."
But Lohan Jr. has shot down the claims, with her representative telling the New York Daily News, "Per Lindsay, this isn't true."
Or, in Lindsay's words: "Missionary? Oh, no no no. I'm reverse cowgirl all the way."
Rupert Grint has claimed it is best to avoid female stars like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.
The Harry Potter actor revealed that he met Lohan last year in America and that she bored him by talking about herself all the time.
Grint added that he didn't want to meet Hilton because she was the sort of girl you should "stay away from".
He told The Sun: "I met Lindsay last summer and she talked about herself a lot.
"She said she was going to win an Oscar before she turns 25. I just kept thinking, 'But you can’t act'.
"I haven’t met Paris and don’t want to either. She and Lindsay are the type of girls you need to stay away from."
We think the wee-est Weasley boy makes a good point. Look at the people who have come into contact with Paris and Lindsay. Britney Spears lost her goddamn mind after about three days with Paris. Kim Kardashian will never again be able to enter a public bathroom without someone assuming she's there to take the place of the toilet. And Lindsay's poor little sister Ali is probably about four months away from being sold outright to Hugh Hefner or Joe Francis, whoever gives Dina the highest bid. Rupert's better off hanging out with a dude who gets boners from horses.
There are quite a few things we don't understand about Lindsay Lohan. At the top of the list is why she insists on remaining blonde when it looks terrible on her and she was so gorgeous as a redhead. Also, why will she only get naked for free (or close to it, by celeb standards)? If we had Lindsay's rack and people were willing to shell out millions to see it we wouldn't go flaunting it for free in New York magazine. Especially when her "disgusting" and "poor" net worth has all but dried up. Also, we wouldn't play a clothed stripper for (we assume) a decent paycheck and then go topless for next to nothing. Oh and also, we would wear some pants once in a while. Star magazine reports (via Celebitchy):
Star Magazine has learned exclusively that the 21-year-old will get naked again to play a nymphomaniac waitress in the indie film Florence. And she’s getting paid only $75,000 for her part - just 1 percent of the whopping $7.5 million she earned for Just My Luck! “Lindsay doesn’t care that she’s getting paid peanuts,” an insider tells Star “She just wants to remind people that she can act and she’s worth hiring.” The role requires her to take off only her top for a lust sex scene, but the source says Lindsay… volunteered to do more. “She said it would be no problem to go Full Monty.”
We're excited to see those funbags in motion and all, but what's wrong with this girl? Isn't booze supposed to make you more likely to constantly take your shirt off? Is it possible that the drink and drugs actually gave her inhibitions that sobriety has freed? Does her willingness to flash bald beav in addition to boobs mean that she'll be starring in an erotic thriller opposite Eric Roberts by 2010? more »
We're pretty sure that the offers aren't pouring in for Lindsay Lohan at the moment, but it seems that she's not even trying to regain any sort of career. She's accepting low-ball offers and totally f'ing up her music "comeback." (We're pretty sure you have to have some sort of a successful music career to make a comeback, but whatever.) The New York Daily News claims that Lindsay has much more important things to do than meeting with producers. Like waxing. And dying her hair every eight days.
Universal Motown execs are keeping fingers crossed that Lindsay Lohan's new album can be released on time later this year. An insider tells us the volatile young star isn't being overly cooperative with scheduling and has already canceled important meetings with superproducer Timbaland.
"Universal is trying to make her new album a success by lining up great producing talents, and, recently, they even hooked Timbaland. But Lindsay has canceled their planned meetings twice," says the snitch.
Lohan's rep denied that Lindsay had missed meetings, and said that Timbaland had yet to be approached to collaborate on the album.
However, it appears that after a rocky start, singer-songwriter Ne-Yo is still on board. The source said Lindsay had rejected some initial tracks from the star-maker, who has created hits for Rihanna, Usher and Celine Dion. But he is still in talks to work with the rehabbed pop star, and staffers hope that one song will make the cut.
In addition, Linds has agreed to a movie role for the paltry sum of $75,000. According to PR Inside:
LINDSAY LOHAN has reportedly signed to strip naked and play a sex-addicted waitress in a new movie called FLORENCE.
Just days after agreeing to portray a member of Charles Manson’s real-life murderous cult in The Manson Girls, Lohan has sealed a deal to star in another controversial movie.
Star magazine claims the 21-year-old will be paid just $75,000 (£37,500) for the opportunity to play the edgy character.
A source tells the magazine, "She just wants to remind people she can act and she’s worth hiring."
Yeah, we know that to you $75,000 is probably at least three times your annual salary, but we're talking about Lindsay Lohan here. That probably won't even cover the cost of a year's supply of leggings. more »
When it comes to Lindsay Lohan's cinematic endeavors, we prefer to think of her as precocious, freckle-faced twins or a huge-knockered plastic rather than a slutty, belligerent teen or a paranoid stripper. It helps to disassociate Lindsay's film roles from her chaotic personal life. But we're beginning to think that she's choosing roles based on their proximity to her real-life self. She may never again be able to identify with the wide-eyed innocent of her early career, so why not play a cult member? Sounds splendid. According to E! News:
Lindsay Lohan is following up her crazy year by joining a cult—in a new movie role, that is.
E! News has learned exclusively that Lindsay Lohan has signed on to star as Nancy Pitman, once a loyal member of Charles Manson's not-so-merry band, in the movie Manson Girls.
The film's producer, Brad Wyman of Junction Films, confirmed the casting coup.
"Yes, I am doing it with Lindsay," he tells E! News.
A source familiar with the deal says that despite the fact that Lohan has had some recent brushes with the law and just completed rehab, "the production company is insuring her for the film."
As E! News first reported, before shooting Manson Girls Lohan will shoot the offbeat comedy Ye Olde Times with Jack Black and David Arquette this spring. That film is due out in 2009.
Pitman grew up in wealthy household in Malibu, and at 16 she was introduced to Manson by a friend, according to published reports. She fell under his spell, moving in with him and becoming one of his most ardent followers. She was home with Manson on the night he dispatched members of his "Family" to the former home of ex-business associate Terry Melcher, where they ended up brutally killing actress Sharon Tate and four others.
Pitman, aka Brenda McCann, later became involved with the Aryan Brotherhood and served 18 months in prison after being convicted of being an accessory after the fact to murder. She later married one of her coconspirators, divorced and moved to Oregon with her two children.
This news made us wonder who would nab the coveted role of Charles Manson himself until we happened upon this photo:
We weren't the only ones duped by that supposed Lindsay Lohanbeej photo that was floating around last week; Lindsay thought it was real too! But to give her self recognization skills a little credit, there's no possible way on God's green earth that Lindsay could ever remember every situation in which she's given a blow job. You could probably show her a picture of Alexis Arquette blowing Kevin Federline on the Small World ride while Charo looked on and applauded and Lindsay would be hard pressed to remember if the bj queen in the photo was her or not. The details just kind of go out the window when you've got a dick in your mouth. The Sun reports:
Pals say that Lindsay made a series of abusive phone calls to GEORGE BEST’s lothario son after a porn-style photo, said to be of the two of them, was posted on the Internet.
The blurry clip is thought to have been filmed on Calum’s phone when they were an item last year and then forwarded on to one of his friends.
A source, who overheard the rant, said Lindsay was screaming: “I can't believe you would ever f***ing do this to me, I should have listened to everyone.
“I should never have f***ing trusted you."
Lindsay screeched down the blower for so long that she had to leave another voicemail to finish her abusive tirade.
The Mean Girl continued: "It's everywhere now, all over the net, everyone's seen it, how f***ing could you?"
God, Lindsay, you have such a big mouth. (And, no, that's not a comment about the size of Calum's member.) Had you just zipped it we would have went on believing that pic was just some random no-name blonde. Or maybe Dina.
Lindsay Lohan enjoys wearing spandex blends that gently mold themselves to her labial folds, so it comes as no surprise that people who love vaginae would come sniffing around. We're speaking, of course, of lesbians. Famous lesbians. Samantha Ronson and Courtenay "My dad owns Yahoo" Semel are reportedly staging an epic battle to win the heart and fiery crotch of the Lohan. A source told Star:
"Sam and Courtenay fight for Lindsay's attention. Both have told her they love her."
Samantha reportedly kept in constant contact with Lohan even when she was in rehab through their MySpace page.
One of the love letters Lohan reportedly sent Samantha reads, "Your [sic] all I have to live for babe. I want to marry you and have children with you. I need you to live!"
However, Courtenay and Lohan were reportedly living together in the Hollywood Hills until the two had a fight. But Courtenay still "can't let go of Lindsay, and she'll do what she can to win her back."
What does a lesbian battle look like? We picture it to be a lot like Obi Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Vader, only with silicone G-Spotters instead of light sabers. And dental dams instead of Vader masks. And crotchless panties instead of capes and robes. And a canopy bed instead of outer space. So actually, it's nothing like Star Wars, but exactly like Clam Slam 8: The Deadliest Snatch. more »
It's celebrity dong-smoking week here at CelebNewsWire! Invite your pals over for Li'l Smokies, don your best foam fingers and cram them down the gullets of your neighbors! Lindsay Lohan caused a bit of a stir when she simulated oral sex on camera for the movie Georgia Rule (see left). Today, life imitates art as a questionably fuzzy yet undeniably entertaining shot of someone appearing to be the fierycrotched one bestowing a blow job on a dude rumored to be former boyfriend Calum Best popped up. After the cut, take in the photographic evidence. Move over, Kristin Davis's bacon--there's something leaner! And it's rubbing against Lindsay Lohan's brains!
UPDATE: It's not Lindsay. But you're still going to look anyway, aren't you, you perv. more »
We've all heard the cautionary tales. M.C. Hammer spent millions on a personalized Hammer mansion. Gary Coleman was forced to declare bankruptcy after suing his parents. And now, Lindsay Lohan has apparently gone broke after spending $70,000 on fake tanner. According to our gossip maharishi, FemaleFirst:
Lindsay Lohan has reportedly spent $70,000 on fake tan.
The 'Mean Girls' star avoids sunbathing because of her pale skin and freckles, but is now worried about the vast amount of money she has splashed out on spray tans and home tanning products.
A source close to the actress said: "Lindsay has had a reality check - she's not getting offers like she used to. She's definitely thinking she needs a big blockbuster just so she can go back to living comfortably."
Well, hell, we're in the wrong business. If we only knew how much famous people were willing to shell out to achieve an unnatural salmon-toned hue, we'd set up shop with a bucket of wet Cheetos and a trowel.
And speaking of can't-lose business propositions, Lindsay is planning on designing her own line of leggings. Crows the thespian:
"It will be a while before it comes out, but I'm going to do it. Some of them will have prints and some will have patterns. I just love leggings."
Capital idea, Lohan! We can't wait to purchase our first pair of Firecrotch!™ brand legwear, the classic pattern ones with the trademark flaming match printed right on the pelvis. Crabs sold separately.
more »
Lindsay Lohan's recent 24-hour, 3-sausage, all-you-can-eat Italian feast of lust led us all to believe that when it comes to choosing bedmates, it's quantity over quality. But our Linds showed remarkable restraint when she turned up her nose at Hostel director Eli Roth, who writes in his MySpace blog:
I was having drinks with a friend at the Beverly Hills Hotel the other night, and Lindsay Lohan walked by our booth with a girlfriend, checking us out. She then went out to the bathroom, turned around, came back and walked by us again, and mumbled to her friend "too old," and kept walking. Now - she's absolutely correct - but it was still pretty fucking hilarious. Especially since we were in the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel - where the average age is 97. If you look too old in there you're fucked! Time to hit the Botox!
Seeing how Lindsay allegedly allowed Bruce Willis entry to her firecrotch, it's hard to believe that Roth was too decrepit for her, but we're encouraged by her newfound sexual discrimination. Someday soon, this may even extend to her professional life, and we'll see her in a film with a costar other than an affable Volkswagon. Or, perhaps, in a film, period. A job would be swell. Good luck getting one of those, LL.
• Non, non! She is having deux bebes! Having zem in L'Etats-Unis! Oui oui oui! (FemaleFirst)
• Lohan dons crotch-strangling short shorts in February, because she is dedicated to her craft. The craft of being a saucy harlot. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Nicole Richie shows off her new baby. Quick, see the tiny cuteness before Rachel Zoe gives her gifts of Hoodia and hair extensions. (Celebitchy)
• Wisely realizing that her infamous recent nudie shots were the most popular thing she's ever done, Lindsay contemplates a future as a naked Marilyn Monroe impersonator. (Daily Stab)
• Kate Hudson coaxes butterscotch stallion Owen Wilson away from suicidal depression with a sugar cube, some carrots, and her vagina. (The Blemish)
• Now we know why Juliette Lewis has been wearing headbands all the time--they magically hold her nipples in. See what goes down when she goes without. (Drunken Stepfather)
Kids these days, they have the strangest role models. In our day every young thing wanted to be just like Miss Piggy (she got to eat a lot of ice cream and yell a lot, which every pre-teen girl envies) or maybe Debbie Gibson (Those hats! They were fabulous! That is, until Blossom ruined the whole trend). Good, wholesome role models that a parent could approve of. But now you've got girls wanting to be just like Paris Hilton or Britney Spears, because things like jail and mental illness are so damn glamorous. And poor little Ali Lohan. She can't look up to her mom, because Dina's probably busy with her waxer or her dealer or trying to sell Lindsay's naked baby photos to Playboy or something. So she has to look up to her 21-year-old thrice rehabbed sister. People reports:
For most of her life, Ali Lohan has looked up to her older sister Lindsay Lohan because of her career, the fans, the fame. Now Ali wants all of those things for her herself.
“I grew up watching Lindsay," Ali tells Teen Vogue in its April issue. "It made me want to do what she does. Just the whole vibe. Being there, being on camera, or onstage, with everybody listening to you ... it's so cool when people look up to you. I've already been asked for my autograph and it's just a really good feeling to have."
The 14-year-old has her sights set on Hollywood, paving her way toward a singing and acting career and may even try her hand at fashion designing, saying she wants to accomplish these things "really bad, so bad. So bad you don't even know."
Ali will soon get some face time on the small screen. The younger Lohan has been filming a new reality series for E!, which documents her fledgling acting career (the magazine reports she may audition for High School Musical 3) and upcoming album. The show will also feature her mother, Dina, and 11-year-old brother, Dakota.
"It's not all that fake stuff," says Ali. "It's just what we do in our everyday life."
If Ali really wants to follow in Lindsay's footsteps, she better start fast, as today's world doesn't wait for things like mental maturity and legal age. We suggest she start a feud with Vanessa Hudgens over Zac Efron post haste. Then she should start dating a creepy TV actor (maybe that scarf-wearing douche from Gossip Girl) a la Wilmer Valderwhatsisname. If she really gets her shit together and focuses on the task at hand she could be flashing her probably-non-firecrotch by September and celebrating Christmas at Cirque Lodge. (And, yes, we realize that we just hit upon a level of creepy that hasn't been touched since the whole Dakota-Fanning-rape-scene thing, but we're just hypothesizing on Ali's likely trajectory here, not making a wish list.)
Rehabilitated, recently rack-revealedLindsay Lohan paid a visit to a nightclub called Villa. And as she was secreted away to a waiting SUV, she ate shit right there on the pavement:
Sure, one could argue that she was wasted. Soused. Under the influence. Tight. But who among you have not fallen down while in a perfectly sober state? Of course, you probably don't have a history of alcohol abuse, and at the time you most likely were not being helped out of a VIP club and shuttled to a vehicle, head down in shame, at 4 in the morning. But hey, let's give Lindsay Lohan the benefit of the doubt here. Maybe there are other, innocent, non-boozy forces contributing to her fall. Like a banana peel just out of frame, lying atop a slick puddle of Acme oil spilled by a cartoon bird. Good thing she went down when she did, or those anvils would have creamed her but good.
Late yesterday afternoon, New York magazine (link kinda safe for work) released some outtakes of the Lindsay Lohan-as-Marilyn Monroenaked shots. Now we know why they're outtakes. No dappled zeppelins, swinging in the breeze 'neath an airy swath of chiffon. No depilated pubic knoll where once a cheerful firecrotch crackled and sparked. These might be labeled the Safe for Work Lindsay Nudes, or, possibly, the Safe for Michael Lohan nudes. Because although hep mom Dina Lohan checks out her daughter's nudity with relish, her dad wants no part of it. According to our gossip life coach, FemaleFirst, Michael says:
"I'm not going to look at the photos--that's my daughter! But Lindsay is an adult, and she knows the direction she wants to take her career. It's her decision."
As much as we goof on the annoying, fame-hungry, turtleneck-wearing Michael Lohan, it's statements like these that make us realize that he's not such a bad guy. Especially considering Papa Joe Simpson, who not only would be pleased as punch to look at any naked pictures Jessica would ever choose to have taken, but he would probably have them blown up to life size and hang them in places of interest. Like above his bed, and inside his shower door.
more »
Everyone had a friend in high school who had a mother like Dina Lohan. She enters the rec room in an impossibly low-cut blouse and whispers, "wanna get stoned?" to her daughter's male friends with her damp Benson and Hedges breath. But those mothers do not have a child whose (pendulous, succulent, masterful) breasts are featured in a national magazine. But ever the "cool" mom, Dina wants us to know that when it comes to Lindsay's naked New York magazine spread, it's thumbs up all the way. According to Celebitchy, she said:
“It was very tastefully done. I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically. For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say can you recreate these photos is an honor. I looked at it as art, and as Lindsay doing a character. So I don’t look at them like it’s Playboy; she was being a character. So if you look at it that way, you can look at it as a mother. . . Trust me, I wouldn’t have sent my 14-year-old to the set [if the shoot was in bad taste]. And obviously Lindsay wouldn’t do anything with her sister there, that was risqué.”
Ali Lohan: celebrity sibling. Cockblocker. If Lindsay was willing to haul out funbags and firecrotch and wave them around like a pinwheel in the spring breeze, one has to imagine what she would have been up for had her sister not been there. We're thinking ice dildoes. Ice dildoes and Gogurt enemas. Curse you, Ali Lohan! more »
This morning, naked pictures of your momLindsay Lohan hit the interlink via NY Magazine. It is supposed to be Lindsay recreating Marilyn Monroe's famous "Last Sitting" photo shoot. However, one look at the flowers over the boobs and we're instantly reminded of another infamous spread: Portrait of a Young Girl on the Brink of a Meltdown. Or, as it's more popularly know, The Eve of the Weave. After the cut, see if Lindsay does Marilyn justice . . . with her breasts!
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