CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.
• Anna Kournikova gets involved in a girl-on-girl brawl. Your fantasies become reality. (Daily Stab)
• Courtney Love vows to gain 15 pounds. Oh, it's going to be a hard road. A tough challenge to face. It will take a lot of dedication. She's going to have to eat food and . . . uh, yeah, that's about it. That should do it. (Celebitchy)
• Awkward celebrity boners. A beautiful stroll through a serene photo collage. (Cityrag)
• The eldest of the brothers Jonas, Kevin Jonas, is engaged to be married and reportedly will lose his virginity. Tween girls would be upset, but Kevin is known as Fugly Jonas so w/e. (Daily Stab)
By our count, Lindsay Lohan hasn't really worked since I Know Who Killed Me. Sure, there was that tumultuous stint on Ugly Betty, but since no one's watched that show since at least 2007, it doesn't really seem to count. And that fake-preggo movie that will be on ABC Family or some shit, it seems like that was filmed like eight years ago at this point. Other than that, it's been all about magazine photo shoots, which might bring in a nominal fee but not enough to keep up her hair extensions, and public appearances. And we don't give a shit what celebtards say, getting paid thousands upon thousands of dollars to show up at a club and drink and dance around and ignore the peons is not work. To normal people, that's fun. That's how you unwind from real work. So we're a bit confused by Lindsay's claim that she's a workaholic. She said:
It’s not that hard to be me, but I do work harder than most of my friends’ parents. I am the hardest-working person I know. I’m a workaholic. I don’t know what to do when I’m not working. I get creatively frustrated.
Oh, she must be talking about all that hard work that goes into promoting her can-tan and BJ leggings. Which as far as we can tell involves throwing parties to get the word out about the totally awesome products that she slapped her name on. Yep. That must be tiring.
Let's take a break from Michael mania for a bit to wish a very happy 23rd birthday to the world's foremost famous freckled firecrotch Lindsay Lohan! Her birthday is July 2, but she celebrated this weekend with a pool party in Las Vegas, sponsored by her own brand of canned tan. Yikes, that's like Cover Girl throwing a bat mitzvah for Drew Barrymore or that brand of yogurt that makes you go poop sponsoring Jamie Lee Curtis's party. But the main point is Lindsay's get-up. There is something oddly familiar about it. White denim cutoffs. Bilevel half shirt. Belly button ring. Terra cotta faux tan. Blue contact lenses. Fringed boots with fluorescent toenails. She looks exactly like the girl I met who was running the Tilt-a-Whirl at the Hodgkins County Fair in 1987. Oh, Misty Jo, where are you? You stole my heart. And my Stryper wallet. I want that back!
• One of the Real Housewives of New Jersey (Danielle Staub) has a sex tape. We're shocked that "NJ housewife sex tape" is a thrilling story. What a world! What a world we live in. (Yeeeah!)
• If you are a bartender and you do not serve a very drunk Jonathan Rhys Meyers, then he is the manager of the Black Eyed Peas and you are Perez Hilton. Only maybe without the weepy YouTube pleas. (The Blemish)
• Lindsay Lohan tried 2 dance with Justin Timberlake and he was like O HELL NO and then she totally got mad and 2 get back @ him she Tweeted he was cheating on Jessica Biel & then she wuz hacked but she wasn't OMFG! (CelebWarship)
• Stills from Tim Burton's upcoming Alice in Wonderland movie. It's not half as creepy as the '80s TV version with Carol Channing and Ann Jillian. Still gives me the heebies. (Amy Grindhouse)
• Hilary Duff is kind of useless and probably a total choadball, but whatever, she looks hot in a bikini. (Anything Hollywood)
• Jessica Simpson has a new reality show. To quote Nancy Kerrigan, "WHHHHYYYYYYYY?" (Websters)
We are not diplomatic here at CelebNewsWire. We do not feel that all celebrities are created equal. We have no qualms about mocking Paris Hilton's herpes outbreaks. And in the same day we can wax poetic on the beauty of Amy Adams. She's just better than Paris, that's all. And along those lines, we also believe that not all celebrity gossip is created equal. Some days all we have is Megan Fox blathering on about how unique and free she is, and other days we have Britney Spears shaving her head. And over the years we've harbored favorite stories. Most of them are categorized under "celebrity bathroom habits." But today we were reminded of a long forgotten tale after reading about Lindsay Lohan being accused to stealing jewelry from a photo shoot. Says Holy Moly:
Lindsay was photographed in London for the forthcoming shoot and according to sources was bowled over by the rocks:
"She kept going on about the jewels asking if she could have them. We all thought she was joking!"
The jewellers realised the £30k worth of bling was missing after the shoot and contacted the magazine, who denied any knowledge of their whereabouts.
This reminded us of the time that Tara Reidstole a bunch of diamonds from swag bags. Which brings up a disturbing question: Is Lindsay the new Tara? She can't get a job. She generally looks like shit in photographs. She's the butt of an endless stream of jokes. She routinely lets body parts hang out in public. Astonishing similarities, no? Are we soon going to see Lindsay on a new E! show? Maybe one where she goes to college bars and lets frat boys grope her jugs while pouring tequila in her mouth? It could be called Lohan Behold. It would be canceled after three episodes, tops.
Oh, and that pic up there? That's from a different photo shoot from a while back. Which Lindsay posted on Twitter. Classy.
We have not read The Rules or He's Just Not That Into You or The Game or Captain Underpants and the Wrath of the Wicked Wedgie Woman but we still know that traveling across an ocean to show up at a party your ex will be attending is bad form. However, maybe this bit of dating etiquette is null and void when it comes to bicurious celebrities and their volatile girl-girl relationships, because Lindsay Lohan jetted off to London last week to meet up with ex Samantha Ronson and would you just look what she Twittered Monday:
“Leaving London but but with my favorite favorite!!! - travel buddy & great news to share!! Maybe….”
They left London together and Lindsay went straight to Sam's house with a diamond ring on her left hand. And speaking of things that fit nicely around a finger, after the cut, see what happened when Lilo was exiting a car in London, legs akimbo. NSFW. more »
• Brad's all, "C'mon, Angelina, we have to get to Cannes" and she's all, "Hold up, Brad, I gotta show the paps a little more of where Shilohs come from." (Yeeeah!)
• And speaking of Maria Bello, did you know that she was from the greater Philadelphia area? Isn't that fascinating? Yeah! And it just so happens that Mr Skin has a Top 10 Sexiest Babes from Philly list out now! (Mr Skin)
• Lady Gaga learns a sobering lesson. Bleached hair and skimpy white clothing with lots of jewelry makes folks think you're a Russian prostitute. (Faded Youth)
• Britney Spears in a bikini on the beach. No, you can go look. It's nice! Seriously. Hey, hey. Look at us. Look. It's okay. It's okay. Really. Shhhh. (The Blemish)
Hugh Hefner is somewhere in the vicinity of 8000 years old, so we don't really blame him for not knowing who Lindsay Lohan is. She doesn't hold a candle to that hot minx Clara Bow. Now there was a stah, dahling. And we can't exactly see Hef and The Girls Next Door sitting around in their jammies with a couple bowls of popcorn watching Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Plus, old guys can't remember stuff too good. If it weren't for his 19-year-old twin girlfriends saying, "Here honey, take your Viagra. It'll help your penis grow. You do remember what your penis is, don't you? It's above your knees but below your belly button? You pee out of it?" Anyway, Hef doesn't know LiLo. According to RadarOnline:
When asked if Lindsay Lohan could make the cut for Playboy, her name had to be repeated several times before Hefner even realized who she was!
Fear not, Lindsay. Once it dawned on him, Hefner seemed open to the idea.
But then again, maybe this has nothing to do with Hef's advancing age. Maybe this just illustrates Lindsay's advancing irrelevance. Before long, her name will reside alongside the likes of Lori Petty and Martika in TMZ's annoyingly cutesy 'Memba Them?
We knew it was bound to happen someday. Well, that's not entirely true. We knew that either it was bound to happen, or Lindsay was going to be found naked, cold, alone, and probably dead in a smashed up car someone loaned her or outside the entrance to some club SamRo was spinning at before it had a chance to happen. What is this mysterious event? Lindsay Lohan got a job! A real, honest-to-goodness acting job. It probably even comes with a paycheck! Miracles do happen. According to Variety:
Lindsay Lohan will topline indie fantasy comedy "The Other Side" alongside Woody Harrelson, Giovanni Ribisi, Dave Matthews and Alanis Morissette.
Story centers on a grad student who must spend the summer working at a scientific institute on a remote island. She discovers an eccentric community of characters who are hiding a secret about a tragedy that took place many years before.
Grad student? Scientific institute? Surely that description is not referring to LiLo's character. She's one of the eccentric yokels, right? Maybe the one who sits on a park bench all day eating her own hair and telling the pigeons about the upcoming apocalypse? That she could handle. Learning to say words like endosymbiotic infection, not so much.
Yes, Lindsay Lohan's life is a mess. She can't decide on things like hair color or sexual orientation. She can't get hired. The only advice she hears from her parents is along the lines of "Since you have free time, you should appear in the new reality show I'm working on with my church. It'll do wonders for you. Some network's bound to pick it up any day now" (Dad) or "Honey, you should let let your little sister borrow that really sexy push-up bra you bought last week. And those crotchless panties. And stuff a few condoms in her purse. It'll teach her responsibility" (Mom). We imagine that the inside of her head looks a little like the receiving room at Grey Gardens. So what a surprise that her home looks pretty much the same. Her house is so messy that when the house's alarm was set off on Tuesday and the cops showed up, they assumed there had been a break-in. According to TMZ:
There were pry marks on the back door and tampering with the back window. It appears nothing was taken but the house was ransacked, at least that's what responding officers thought.
Now one law enforcement source tells us ... it doesn't look like the house was ransacked after all ... "It was just messy." !!!!!
God, no wonder she so often leaves the house without pants. They're probably all hidden underneath a pile of cigarette butts and spent bottles of self-tanner.
Here we always assumed that Samantha Ronson was the dude in Lindsay Lohan's lesbian fake-out relationship. She does look like a disheveled Aaron Carter after all, which is vaguely masculine. Or at least more masculine than Lindsay's giant jugs. But look at Lindsay in this picture. That there is a woman who knows how to work a strap-on. You can almost hear her taunting, "Take it, bitch!"
We're assuming that most celebrities took a brief respite this weekend from their usual monkeyshine to pay their respects to the passing of Bea Arthur. That's the only logical explanation as to why there is NOTHING to write about today. But while most were, we assume, beating their chests in agony, eating memorial cheesecake, and sitting shiva, Lindsay Lohan took a vacation and jetted to Hawaii. And then she wore a bikini and got her picture taken. Stressed-out Lilo has been looking more and more like a dancing cartoon skeleton lately, but she looks pretty healthy and cute in these. Aside from being Liquid Paper white in the front and terra cotta from behind, much like an iced carrot cupcake. We thought we'd put them up for your perusal, because according to our stats page, you guys really like celebrities in bikinis. Also, you like "bikini models with appendix scars", "Simon Rex sex tapes", and something called "Olga Kurylenko fully nude sexual intercourse videos". What does that mean? It sounds nice.
• It's another Un-Funny or Die video! This time, Denise Richards talks about her funbags. But she means party favors! Not boobs! DO YOU GET IT????? (Daily Stab)
• Want to hear Josh Hartnett talking about his loose stools? Your wish is TMZ's command. (TMZ)
• Celebrity nipple piercings. They will surprise and amaze! (Cityrag)
• Ryan Seacrest says Britney Spears is pregnant again. And if Seacrest says it, you know it's true. Like that time he told me that lace-up booties with a stacked heel would be hot for spring. (Allie Is Wired)
• Evan Rachel Wood's going to be on season 2 of True Blood. Just wait until she finds out there won't be any actual blood. (CelebWarship)
Let's face it—Lindsay Lohan's vagina is a rabid carnivore with a taste for the reddest of meat. And after more than a year of a strictly piscetarian diet, it's now running around foaming at the chops and devouring every hunk of steaming sausage it can get its freckled, fiery labes on. Friends say now that Lilo has lost her lesbian way of life, she's now strictly dickly. And how! Page Six reports:
LINDSAY Lohan is drowning her sorrows over her breakup with Samantha Ronson in a sea of men -- and some friends are terrified she'll go down the road Britney Spears traveled two years ago. Except that, unlike Spears, Lohan doesn't have a stable family member to lean on.
The faux lesbian has been "a complete and utter wreck" since Ronson broke it off with her two weeks ago, and has been spending time with "a different man every night," said one concerned friend. Some of the guys include "90210" star Kellan Lutz -- who "has been out of town this week, but they are in constant contact," the friend said -- as well as British paparazzo Chris Jepson.
On April 15, Lohan and Jepson were inseparable at a Hollywood Hills house party. According to a spy, they even went into a bathroom together and didn't come out for quite some time.
Haven't we already written 20 stories about the same exact thing? At this point we think Loho's trying to nail as many dudes as she has freckles. She was trying to hide her speckles of lust with her line of self-tanner, but now that V-bag is off the menu, she's letting her true melanin shine. A leopard can't change its spots. A firecrotch can't change its insatiable need for wienah.
We're not ones to complain about seeing Lindsay Lohan nude in variousmagazines, but we've never understood why girl's giving that shit away for free. She should be milking (yeah, har har) those melons for every penny they're worth. Which, compared to the rest of her these days, is a big ol' pile o' cash. So we're happy to hear that she may be going topless in the Vegas revue Peepshow, starring Scary Spice/Mel B/Eddie Murphy's money pit and Kelly Monaco. People reports:
Is Lindsay Lohan the next star to headline a Las Vegas act?
Possibly. The actress has approached the director of Peepshow, a new Las Vegas revue, about joining the act in several months, PEOPLE has learned.
"I think she would be great in the show," Peepshow's director Jerry Mitchell told PEOPLE. "I would need to meet with her and dance a bit as I would with anyone who would love to be a part of Peepshow."
Lohan was in Las Vegas Saturday taking in the performance that stars former Dancing with the Stars contestants Melanie Brown and Kelly Monaco. If Lohan were to join the show, she would take over for Monaco in several months in a role that requires Monaco to strip down to almost nothing – something that won't change if Lohan starred.
"When the character strips she does it because she has learned to be strong by the other character/dancers in the show, and by watching them take charge with their considerable assets," Mitchell said. "I am sure I could do the same for Miss Lohan."
He added, "The show is a perfect match for Lindsay and her beauty as well as her acting talents."
Sure, this might seem like a good idea: Lindsay Lohan naked! On stage! Possibly right in front of me! But think about it: This is not the Lindsay Lohan of Mean Girls. This isn't even the Lindsay Lohan of New York magazine. At this point, seeing Lindsay Lohan naked would be like seeing Shannon Tweed naked—nice, but not exactly the pinnacle of celebrity nudity. Plus, leftover Sam Ronson stench probably isn't much better than leftover Gene Simmons stench.
Like a paparazzo's lens to a bared, bald cooch in a car, ex-lesbian Lindsay Lohan has jumped back on the dick train. You're shocked, we know. And girl's not wasting any time getting her clit wet with lower-level lads; she's going straight for the real meat and potatoes, a high earner: Leonardo DiCaprio. Says The Sun:
IT seems LINDSAY LOHAN has had her fill of women and is throwing herself back into the world of man love.
The so-called actress, who has split from lesbian lover SAM RONSON, was clocked flirting relentlessly with a series of men on a night out before turning her attention to LEO DiCAPRIO.
She warmed up with a cosy chat — then got up and danced in front of him.
The Titanic actor has always had an eye for the ladies but I think he’s sinking to new lows with this flirtation.
He has dated supermodels HELENA CHRISTENSEN and GISELE BUNDCHEN and he is currently tickling Israeli catwalk star BAR RAFAELI.
I can understand Lindsay’s motivation for wanting to get close to Leo, but not why he would risk the wrath of his gorgeous missus.
Lindsay spotted Leo at Hollywood hotspot My House on Wednesday night.
A source said: “As soon as Lindsay saw Leo she was like a bee to honey.
“She was going for the big catch and when she spotted him in a dark corner of the club she headed straight for him.
“She quickly monopolised his conversation and made sure she had him all to herself.
“Lindsay is a sharp tac. She wasn’t wasting her time chatting up small fish. She seemed interested in the gents with deeper pockets, probably because her career is on a downward trajectory.
“The pair were cosied up together deep in conversation. She definitely tickled his fancy.”
As the night went on and the drinks flowed, things between her and Leo hotted up and she took to the dancefloor to show off her talents.
My eyewitness added: “It was a bit shocking when she got up and started dancing in front of him but he seemed to be enjoying it.”
See, this is why Lindsay isn't getting movie roles anymore. You're supposed to dance for producers and casting directors, not actors. And you're supposed to do it in their office. And by "do it" we mean have sex with them. A couple of years as a lesbian, and Lindsay just doesn't understand the rules of Hollywood anymore.
• So they're saying Pamela Anderson is set to wed again. This time to scuba diver Jamie Padgett. Eighteenth time's a charm! (Yeeeah!)
• Jamie Foxx wants Miley Cyrus to do heroin, smoke crack, make a sex tape, and get chlamydia from a bicycle seat. Uh, it was a tractor and my doctor said it totally can happen, thank you very much. (Pop on the Pop)
• Porn star Marilyn Chambers slips behind the green door of life and into the great beyond. RIP, lady. (Mr Skin)
• Angelina Jolie named Most Beautiful Woman by Vanity Fair. That's so fucking controversial, man! Can you even believe it? We're outraged! Outraged!!! (Celebitchy)
• Remember yesterday, when we posted pics of Jessica Simpson in a muumuu and said we liked the look? Well, we were right. Because now there are naked ass upskirt shots. Ka-BOOM. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Lindsay Lohan shows all the depth of your seventh grade production of Pecos Bill and Slue Foot Sue Meet the Dirty Dan gang in a new video for FunnyorDie. (DailyStab)
• Hey, look! Naked babes with strategically covered nipples in Allure! (The Blemish)
They say when a woman ends a relationship with a man, she cuts her hair. But if you're Lindsay Lohan, you end a relationship with a woman and then you dye your hair back to its natural red color, thus causing the fans who've soured on her to have warm thoughts of her Mean Girls days as well as reminding us all that she was once known around these parts as Firecrotch. And there, you're not even thinking of creepy speckled arms or the fact that she hasn't made a movie in years. You're thinking about her slopbox and the fact that it's now open for business for wieners again. Diabolical.
Normally, the idea of a fallen star resorting to selling her story to a tabloid would make us chuckle like Grandpa after we pulled his finger, but this is so pathetic that we feel bad. Which was the aim, so cheers, fallen firecrotch Lindsay Lohan, you've earned our sympathy. Well, maybe "sympathy" isn't the word. "Arms-length condolences and a slightly squirmy feeling" covers it though. After confirming her breakup with human hat stand Samantha Ronson, Lindsay ran to US Weekly and sung like a stoolie for a cover story. Some highlights:
In the newest issue of Us Weekly, Lindsay Lohan opens up about her heartbreaking split from Samantha Ronson, the "humiliating" weekend showdown with Ronson's family, and says that friends' fears she is suicidal are unfounded.
"It's absolute hell," Lohan told Us on Monday in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls and emails where she was agitated, crying and baffled by the turn of events.
Ronson broke it off with her girlfriend of nearly two years last Friday, and hired five security guards to keep Lohan out of an afterparty for her sister Charlotte at the Chateau Marmont. (Lohan was staying directly one floor above the Ronsons with her mom Dina and sister Ali.)
The next day, Ronson changed the locks on the Hollywood Hills home she shared with Lohan. On Monday, Ronson's mom and sister asked police about obtaining a restraining order against Lohan, Beverly Hills Sgt. Nutall confirms to Us.
Lohan says she's "so alone" without Ronson. "Everyone's turned on me," says the actress. She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said "Uck," and Drea De Matteo said, "Come at me, bitch."
To be fair, Nicole Richie finds Joel Madden attractive enough to accept his unsheathed penis into her cadaverous body, so anyone she deems "uck"-worthy can take that as a compliment. On the other hand, you don't fuck with the Drea under any circumstances. Unless you want to find yourself strapped to the roof of Shooter Jennings's El Camino, an acrylic nail tip embedded in your eyeball.
Twitter is good for a lot of things. Learning to restrain your wordiness. Pretending you are friends with people you have never spoken to, like Solange Knowles (who did not bleach her baby). Gems like this from Snoop Dogg: inside peanut butter outside jello..hellllooowww ....twizzles hooow u doiiin?? (actual tweet). But really, its best use is following the minutia of whiny celebs who think they know how to enable privacy settings (but forget to tell their girlfriends to do the same). This is how we found out that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson were in another fight. And Sam might be cheating on Lindsay and doing drugs. Scandal! A sampling of Lindsay's weekend tweets (directed at Sam, then Lily Allen):
@jackdaniels9 I was right all along. Cheat
about 21 hours ago from TwitterBerry
@jackdaniels9 being cheated on does wonders to you
about 10 hours ago from web
@jackdaniels PLEASE leave me ALONE. and stop staying in the room below me, you’ve woken me and my mother up. go to bed. keep cheating u win
about 10 hours ago from web
@jackdaniels9 look, im doing this publicly because u&ur friends call people mag..so-you win, you broke my heart. now go away. i loved you
about 10 hours ago from web
@jackdaniels9 please go away. & go to bed. u work hard, & u need some rest. those around u are clearly negative influences. miss u.be wellxx
about 9 hours ago from web in reply to jackdaniels9
@jackdaniels9 ask ur sister 2 stop yelling profanity plz;;stop doing drugs. and tell charlotte to do more-she could loose a stone or 10.
about 9 hours ago from web in reply to jackdaniels9
@lilyroseallen OMG WOMAN! CAWLLLL MEEEEEEEE im meeting you in san fran babydoll
about 2 hours ago from web in reply to lilyroseallen
@lilyroseallen oy dafty fella ring me on my cellular woman. d message me for the new digiez
about 1 hour ago from web in reply to lilyroseallen
@jackdaniels9 oh- it’s like this? fine. Byebye
about 1 hour ago from web in reply to jackdaniels9
But that's not all! Before the Tweet mania, Lindsay was denied entry to a Ronson family party on Friday night, where she was restrained by five security guards. Five presumably large men. Against Lindsay. Who probably weighs about 101 pounds, and a couple of those pounds are the vodka bottle hidden in her pant leg. Then on Saturday, Sam had the locks on their house changed. We have never seen anything like this before. The unabashed fame whore drops her famous girlfriend? Who's she cheating with who could top Lindsay? Octomom?
In case her Mother of the Year crown was about to be snatched away by Octomom or Joan Crawford in her grave, Lindsay Lohan's umber-faced progenitor Dina Lohan upped her game recently when she tried to take her underage daughter Aliana out clubbing. Have we learned nothing from Jaid Barrymore? MSNBC reports:
When a 46-year-old mom wants to take her daughters out for a special night, a Hollywood nightclub might seem a curious choice. Not so for Dina Lohan, who took Lindsay, 22, and Ali, 15, to Villa on March 25, Us Weekly reports.
“Do you know who I am?” Dina protested when they were turned away at the door because of Ali’s age.
“You’re making a huge mistake. Huge!” Lindsay added.
We're sure that Villa is kicking themselves for avoiding having a swarm of photographers take photos of a barely post-pubescent child walking into its late night doors. Oh, the regret. The woe. The heartbreak.
Last week Lindsay Lohan got a little boo-boo on a fancy ass car she was driving. We didn't think much about it at the time, because we were busy designing a manly line of hats to pitch to Sam Ronson, but today the whole story got a bit more interesting. Seems that's not Lindsay's car. It belongs to a dong peddler. A muff fluffer. A porn pagan. Says TMZ:
If you ever thought, "How the hell did Lindsay Lohan pay for that $115,000 Maserati?" -- here's your answer ... she didn't.
The guy crazy enough to trust the exotic ride to a person with more traffic drama than Britney Spears is Dennis DeSantis -- a porn king who's produced such legendary classics as "Origami So Horny" and "Butt Sluts."
No word on why Dennis lent LiLo the car -- but we're told there's no XXX catch to drive the ride. And as for the damage Lindsay's assistant caused to the whip, we're told Double D isn't even sweating it and will let Linz drive the car after it's been repaired -- an estimated $10,000 job.
That sure is an expensive "job", even for Lindsay Blohan.
All of Lindsay Lohan's problems? Turns out they're our fault. Each and every one of us is responsible. If we just forgot about everything she's ever done in her entire life, she could do whatever she wanted to. She could achieve, dammit, so we should just let her already. She had a nice little chat with E! about all of her woes. Some of the highlights:
On Sam: "They need to stop saying we're fighting. People telling lies about me to her and all this garbage. I'm really a good person and I have a good heart and just want to work. The only reason I go to clubs is to hear Samantha spin or be normal."
On her career: "I don't drink, I don't do drugs and I don't lie. I love to act and write and be creative, and I want to help people by playing characters that can send a positive message out to whomever may need it."
On scrutiny of her personal life: "My past is my past and it's been a long one, but I'm growing more and learning more day by day. I'm not the same person and I don't make the same mistakes. I move forward and I change. Life's too short not to. If people would just leave my personal life alone—because it's really not that interesting—then I could land a great role. But all the sicko fans and the noise is so distracting."
On her dreams: "I just want to live the dream that I've worked so hard for since I was 4 years old. I've been through a lot in my life. And there are many things I'd like to do to let people know that they just have to be strong. I'd like to have my own charity, do work overseas, be in Oscar-nominated films, write movies, produce movies/shows/videos, design clothes, make music, write books, etc. It's all possible if people would just stop judging me and accusing me and making me out to be this aloof, spoiled, ungrateful and unprofessional person that I am not and could never be."
On . . . more stuff: "No. 1 is perfect, and perfect is impossible. You have to make mistakes to learn so that you can grow up and live your life the right way. Things happen, and you have to move on, be strong and believe in yourself. It would be really nice if people would believe in me."
"And . . . I wanna be an astronaut and a firefighter and a policewoman and a cowgirl and a butcher and a baker and a candlestick maker. And I could do it all, really I could, if you'd just believe in me. C'mon, please? Believe in me? Wontcha?"
Have you wondered how Lindsay Lohan has maintained her lavish lifestyle despite the fact that she hasn't worked since the Eisenhower administration? Easy: She's just spending her girlfriend's cash. Says the New York Daily News:
Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are like any other couple: Their domestic squabbles are mainly over money.
According to friends of the two, Lindsay’s overspending is out of control, and it’s putting additional strain on the ladies’ already volatile relationship.
“Lindsay is spending like crazy!” a friend of the actress tells us. “She’s living on credit right now. She has no cash. The problem is, the money being spent is mostly Sam’s because Lindsay doesn’t really have any of her own at the moment; she’s really taken on the ‘man’ role in their romance. Sam really thinks Lindsay needs to learn how to become a recessionista and manage her money better.”
A second pal agrees. “Lindsay’s money situation has never been great, but it’s only gotten worse over the last month. For every dollar she makes, she spends double. Her personal appearance fees are literally the only thing keeping her afloat. But here’s the rub: Because of her explosive relationship with Sam, she’s unable to get the type of cash she’s used to. The negative press and constant appearance cancellations are hurting her pocketbook.”
Recent extravagant purchases the starlet has made include a $30K Rolex watch and a new Maserati, a glam ride which usually costs upward of $100K.
There's some complicated shit going on here. Sam is only raking in the cash because club promoters know she'll bring Lindsay along. But if Lindsay doesn't work and lives off of Sam's money, that cash will diminish as Lindsay's fame diminishes, which will happen the longer she stays off the screen. Got that? With this cycle, before long Sam will be spinning for a handful of beer tickets at your local Coyote Ugly, then Lindsay will trade the drink tickets for a gift card to Walmart.
It seems that everyone wants to lend a hand to keep Lindsay Lohan on track with her sobriety and saving her career. Well, everyone except her girlfriend and her mom and her dad. But you know, pretty much everyone else. First Warren Beatty offered up his pool house, and now two brothers Baldwin want to share their expertise. Says Fox News:
After a whirlwind weekend in the media spotlight in response to a warrant (which was later dropped) being issued for her arrest, Tarts has been told that Lindsay Lohan is seeking professional guidance to put her back on a positive path.
According to an inside source close to the Lohan family, the troubled 22-year-old will temporarily be in a "therapeutic environment" organized by fellow actors, Stephen and Danny Baldwin.
"Lindsay is still able to go to work and meetings and do normal things," said our insider. "But she wants to remove the negative influences in her life."
Reformed rehabber himself Daniel Baldwin is devoting a great deal of time and energy into making sure the young starlet doesn't fall back into her wild ways.
"Lindsay’s doing great, her sobriety is the most important thing to her," Baldwin told Tarts in an exclusive statement on Wednesday. "She is taking all the necessary measures and actions for her continued health."
A rep for Lohan confirmed that she is not in rehabilitation but did not respond for any further comment.
Lindsay’s father, Michael Lohan, declined to elaborate on his daughter’s immediate plans but said Lindsay is committed to improving her quality of life.
"Lindsay will disclose where she is staying and what she is doing when she is ready," he said, adding that he intends to come to Los Angeles this week to offer his daughter support and guidance.
This is so going to be awesome! They'll all live in a loft together, and they'll have a really kitschy couch made out of half a car, and then Chad Allen will show up and Lindsay will swoon.
We're sure this was an epic weekend for you. We're betting you upchucked at least twice, cried once, made some regrettable Twitter updates while intoxicated, and fought bitterly with your significant other. Funny, demi-lesbian Lindsay Lohan had the exact same weekend. The only difference between yours and hers is that she wasn't wearing some sort of green plastic accoutrement that may or may not have included tiny blinking lights. In the last three days, she had a warrant issued for her arrest, she Tweeted up a firecrotch firestorm about her tumultuous clam-shucking romance with Samantha Ronson, and cops were called after she and Sam busted out a window. Phew. This calls for bullet points.
• An arrest warrant was issued Friday night, and there's a court hearing being held as we speak. TMZ says:
We know exactly why Lindsay Lohan is being hauled into court Monday and it's no big deal -- probably.
Lindsay was in an alcohol ed program for more than a year and was in full compliance with her probation. Sources say not too long ago she decided to switch programs. She either was late or missed one of the classes at the new program -- she says because the paparazzi made it impossible for her to show up on schedule. So the program director sounded the alarm last week to the court. And that's why the judge issued a warrant.
Lohan’s latest legal woe followed a night of partying that included a bizarre late-night visit to the Hollywood home of actor Jack Nicholson. Around 1:45 a.m. [on Saturday], Lohan showed up outside actor Nicholson’s house on Mulholland Drive. The group was eventually let in, and Lohan remained inside until a bodyguard picked her up about 4:30 a.m.
• What better way to express frustration with your bicurious romance than to Tweet the shit out of it? Gawker has caps from Lohan's private Twitter:
"should you end it if the one person in the world fails to love, hold/comfort, apologize, and CHERISH you the night before jail? LIARS R COWARDS cuz they don't know what they got til it is far gone. and people-if you fucking love someone. PUT UR PRIDE A-fucking-SIDE AND JUST LOVE THEM BACK! do not ever dj before calling if they ARE FUCKING ABOUT TO GET ARRESTED FOR CHASING YOU TO MAKE YOU STAY"
• However, Twooting her heart out didn't help matters, and Lilo and Sam fought so hard they done busted a window. People, again:
Lohan’s bodyguard then brought her to Sam Ronson’s house, where Ronson showed up at around 11:30 a.m. Later in the day, a loud disturbance was heard at the house, including the breaking [of a] window. Police cars arrived at the house shortly afterward.
At this point we're wondering how Lindsay Lohan can stand and walk and talk and function after such a bender. Just reading that summary had us reaching for the Alka-Seltzer and the ice pack. It's as if she is a new breed of alien celebrity sent to earth to destroy us. Through Red Bull fueled cooter-licking. Our Earth weapons are powerless against her tolerance for stimulants and taste for gonads.
We've not heard much from Lindsay Lohan and jaunty hat stand/lesbian girlfriend Samantha Ronson lately. We assume that's because we thought they broke up. But no, they were just having a love spat, and they had another lulu the other night. For the full scoop, let's turn to our own personal gossip blackjack dealer, Female First:
Lindsay Lohan was abandoned by girlfriend Samantha Ronson in Las Vegas. The 'Mean Girls' actress had planned to surprise her DJ lover with a romantic night in a hotel after she finished her set at Prive nightclub but was enraged when Samantha left the club without her.
She reportedly screamed: "I can't believe that fucking bitch left me!"
After driving from their home in Los Angeles earlier that evening, Samantha had planned to go to the club alone and was believed to be furious when Lindsay showed up at 1am.
A source said: "The two started to argue and hide in the DJ booth. While she was in the booth, Lindsay ducked down, popped up a few seconds later, and began dancing wildly."
Following her set, 31-year-old Samantha left the club at 3am and got into her Porsche. She drove alone as 22-year-old Lindsay looked on from the roadside. Evidently outraged, Lindsay jumped into her black Mercedes and sped off in the direction of her girlfriend's vehicle.
A photographer said: "I'm sure the girls drove back to Los Angeles. Lindsay definitely appeared to be messed up on something, that's for sure. I've covered Lindsay for years and this is almost the worst I've ever seen her, it looks like her life is spinning out of control."
In less completely depressing news, Lindsay's line of leggings proved to be so popular that she's come out with a new product that will coat your legs in a neon color. Tan in a can! Her line of spray tan, Sevin Nyne, launches soon, and Lilo told People:
“As much as I love the sun, it is so bad for your skin. I have tried every product on the market and never found something that I loved. It was important to me to have a natural product that didn’t have a lot of dyes and chemicals. Our product has goji berry extract which has antioxidant properties, it has a natural golden color, it doesn’t streak and smells delicious — not like a typical tanning product.”
Because if there's one person destined to be the face of a healthy sun-kissed glow, it's an anorexic freckled redheaded night dweller.
Former actress/current faux lesbian Lindsay Lohan has a lot of time on her hands these days. A LOT. Like, "I'm just here hanging with my girlfriend while she works because I'm supportive, not because I don't have a job and I ran out of money so I can't go shopping. Supportive." So it's understandable that she'd throw a hissy fit over losing a magazine cover to Katie Holmes. If she's not freaking out over that, what would she be doing? Reading? Washing her hair? Going to NA meetings? Probably not. Reports our own personal unemployment representative, FemaleFirst:
Lindsay Lohan is feuding with Katie Holmes.
The 'Mean Girls' star was expecting to appear on the cover of the April edition of America's Glamour magazine and was left fuming when the coveted front page was given to Katie.
A source said: "Lindsay did a Madonna-themed photo shoot and was totally under the impression it would be the cover.
"Her Marilyn Monroe shoot for New York Magazine made her relevant when she did it, she thought the same would happen this time. Only she wasn't on the cover, Katie was, and she's mad at her now."
Lindsay, 22, donned a vintage wedding dress, white gloves and jewellery to recreate the '4 Minutes' star's performance of 'Like A Virgin' at the 1984 MTV Video Music Awards as part of the magazine's American Icons: Seven Decades of Rule Breakers, Risk Takers and Style Makers photo shoot.
Despite her gripe, magazine sources insist they never planned to put her on the cover.
An insider said: "If that was Lindsay's impression, it was a mistake. She was always going to be inside the magazine."
This whole Lindsay-as-Madonna thing got us thinking. Recently Lindsay has been seen getting cozy with Sean Penn and is rumored to be working with Warren Beatty. If this is the kind of research the girl puts into a photo shoot, maybe she should be landing more acting jobs. Or maybe Lindsay just wants to hump everything Madonna has humped, which should keep her occupied for about the next forty years.
Remember when Mel Gibson wanted Britney Spears to move in with him so he could fix her and teach her how to properly use the term Sugar Tits? Good times. Now Warren Beatty wants to do the same for Lindsay Lohan, only she'll get a bonus acting gig. He'll still call her Sugar Tits though. Says FOX News (via Celebitchy):
What does Warren Beatty have in mind for Lindsay Lohan? He has something, because Beatty is apparently dangling a new movie role in front of the irrepressible Lindsay. But it has some strings attached to it. What I’m told is that Warren, the smartest guy in Hollywood, bar none, wants Ms. Lohan to come live under his roof — at least one of his guest roofs — while he shoots this movie.
And wait, you’re wondering, what movie is this? Beatty is said to have a script he wants to direct and star in, with La Lohan possibly playing his daughter. (If it’s his love interest, well, I’m not going there and I’m sure Warren isn’t either.)
Lindsay is said to know this is a chance of a lifetime and a way to re-start her languishing career. Recent efforts, like that horrid John Lennon murder movie Chapter 27, haven’t left her in the greatest shape. On the plus side, she’s clean, sober, happy and looking great.
But Lohan is a gifted actress with a lot of baggage and reputation for not making it to the set always on time and in one piece. So Beatty’s proviso sounds like a smart idea. And how bad it can be [sic] to live up on Mulholland Drive under the aegis of Annette Bening? I can hear a lot of young actresses heading to the phone now to try and get that gig.
Lindsay, pack your bags!
We admit that working with Warren Beatty would be good for her career. His biggest misstep was the notorious bomb Ishtar, which we firmly believe will finally find its audience in approximately 2083, when society will have evolved enough to appreciate the film's true comic genius. (And, yes, we're serious. It's damn funny.) Lindsay's movies lose money while being unwatchable, which isn't a really good combo. But we have to wonder: Warren has been with virtually every beautiful woman who has ever come near a movie set (just check out the—no doubt extremely abbreviated—list of conquests Wikipedia tells us about); is risking a whole movie on Lindsay Lohan really worth the goosings he'll be able to get in with her in such close proximity?
Take Jack Skellington, splatter him with mud, and strap two rubbers filled with Jello to his chest and whaddaya got? Topless Lindsay Lohan. That's a little harsh, and we are not the type to pooh-pooh a famous lady who takes naked pictures even while having nothing to promote--we don't look a gift yabbo in the mouth. Or the nipple. We're just longing for the halcyon days of Lohan's New York magazine naked shoot. The soft, womanly flesh. The healthy, glowing face. The full, pendulous tetherball chest. Lindsay, we're worried. Frankly, we're starting to think that maybe Samantha Ronson isn't such a great influence after all. The worst part of that is that it means we agree with Michael Lohan on something. We may as well start drawing cartoon renditions of Lindsay with Biblical undertones. Or wearing mesh shirts with Lee Relaxed Riders. After the cut: nip, sweet nip.
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• Let's play Celebrity Ass Pick. It's more fun than Cootie! (Cityrag)
• 16-year-old Miley Cyrus's femme underwear model boyfriend Justin Gaston says he "looks up" to her. Because she's really good with a flat iron and an eyelash curler. How does she DO that? (Faded Youth)
• Liev Schreiber desires man boobs. Perhaps he should talk to the male cast of Lost for tips. (Yeeeah!)
We're slightly late on this one, but when it comes to movie stars throwing conniptions bigger and scarier than Cisco Adler's nuts, it's better late than never. Last July, handsome hothead Christian Bale reportedly threw a hissy fit on the set of Terminator 4 when the director of photography, Shane Hurlbut, accidentally walked into the shot. Seeing how Bale sucker punched his sister and mother, yelling at a DP isn't such a stretch. At long last, the audio of this incident finally leaked. Joy!
No word on whether or not this pretty prima donna stomped on his tiara and threw his princess tea set across the room after his verbal dressing-down. But speaking of tiny squalling babies, Lindsay Lohan allegedly pulled a Bale of her own at an airport on Saturday. According to our personal gossip travel agent, Female First:
Lindsay Lohan caused a scene when she unable to travel first class on a recent flight. The 'Mean Girls' actress was reportedly incensed when she was told there were no first class seats available on the overcrowded flight from Tampa, Florida, to Los Angeles on Saturday, and immediately began shouting.
According to a FOX News source, fellow passengers laughed as Lindsay "stomped around and told a friend she was with, 'You'd better come and visit me back there in case I die.' "
Unfortunately, Lohan's fears were realized as she was herded back to coach and after suffering the indignity of not being offered complimentary champagne, was immediately chafed to death by the scratchy, unsatisfactory nap of the too-small seat. Rest in peace, little firecrotch.
We've been wondering if Lindsay Lohan would ever return to work. Aside from that short stint on Ugly Betty, girl's been pretty dry since the cinematic masterpiece I Know Who Killed Me. But finally, finally it looks like Lindsay is getting back on that horse. Problem is, we're not sure if we're talking about the acting horse or the coke horse. Because either Linds is subsisting on nothing but the sweet coca leaf or she's preparing for her role in a feature film based on Flat Stanley. Well, actually there is one other explanation to Lindsay's gaunt frame: She may have shit out all of her body fat. She's definitely carrying something in those drawers.
Find more pics of super skinny Lindsay Lohan at Yeeeah!
• Lisa Bonet named her newborn son Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. It's the thing to say on a bright Hawaiian Christmas day. (Dlisted)
• People's Choice Awards winners. Though you already know them because they're YOUR CHOICE. (CelebWarship)
• 16-year-old Miley Cyrus wants a tattoo of her boyfriend's initials. No, no, Miley. Not until you get your zodiac sign and the kanji symbol for "strength". (Yeeeah!)
• Anne Hathaway reveals what got her through the hard times. Anal sex! Wait, no. (Daily Stab)
• Why don't you go look at ladies wearing football jerseys? It's not as if you have anything better to do, you lazy sack of puke. (Holy Taco)
• Uppity Jessica Alba lost the sour for New Year's Eve, thanks in part to her buddy Booze. (Cityrag)
Look how happy rumored lesbian Lindsay Lohan looks on New Year's Eve. A pretty new frock, a fresh coat of canned tan, and her best gal Samantha Ronson on her arm. Unfortunately, mere moments after this shot was snapped, the two exploded into a cacophony of flying strawberry weave, scratching fingernails, and kicky fedoras. The New York Post says:
On New Year's Eve, the couple went nuclear and started screaming at each other while hosting a party at Mansion. The fight spilled out into an alley behind the club, where Lohan screeched at Ronson, "When I storm off, you are supposed to follow me!" Our spy said, "It was a really gross alley. There was a bum eating a sandwich watching the whole thing. Lindsay was really unstable and flipping out." After Lohan and Ronson went back to the hotel, several sources heard crashing sounds and screaming coming from their room until the fight spilled out into the hallways at about 11 a.m. "They were punching each other - it was bad," a spy said. "And they were doing this in front of all of us. It was scary." At one point, Lohan dropped to her knees and cried, "Why are you doing this to me?" And Sam just said, "I don't know you." Eventually hotel security was called and photos were taken of the girls' "trashed" room. "Mirrors were broken and it was a complete mess," another spy said.
"Why are you doing this to me" and "I don't know you" are akin to the "You're tearing me apahhht, Kira! This is more real than anything!' fight between David and the production lady on Real World Seattle. Ah, nothing like the sweet sound of teen angst one-liners being shouted over a bum munching on a tin can sandwich.
You'd think that as celebrities go, firecrotch Lindsay Lohan would be pretty boring to stalk. All she does is shop and go to clubs. And maybe seeing her fill her water bottle up with Ketel One would be amusing the first time, but day after day wouldn't be so fascinating. We'd much rather stalk someone like Sienna Miller. We'd get to see her unleash rage on paparazzi, angry Christians would constantly be yelling "homewrecker" at her, and if we were lucky, we might get to see her bust out her boobies on a movie set. Way more fun. But nevertheless, LiLo has a stalker. Reports TMZ:
An overzealous Lindsay Lohan fan was arrested early this morning after he tried to get around security at a Scottsdale nightclub in the hopes of getting close to the starlet.
Cops tell us Lohan was leaving the Jackrabbit Supper Club & Lounge in the wee hours this morning with GF Sam Ronson when a 38-year-old man in the crowd jumped out at her, trying to go around club security to meet her. We're told he was arrested for disorderly conduct and released a few hours later. No charges have been filed yet.
According to the club's website, Sam was the celebrity host of an event.
Lindsay and Sam were both interviewed by cops, but neither was even aware anything had happened.
• Twilight vampire Ashley Greene just about gives you something to suck on (hint: A TIT!!!!!). (Thighs Wide Shut)
• Eva Longoria is a smoker on the DL. Bet you anything those are Benson & Hedges 110s. (Celebitchy)
• So Kate Moss and her unfrozen caveman boyfriend WEREN'T attacked by rogue Christmas ornaments after all. Cocaine is a hell of a drug. (The Superficial)
• Lindsay Lohan got kicked off Facebook. That's what YOU get for not playing your Word Twist move, bitch. (Holy Moly)
• Scout (dun DUN dun DUN) you'll be a woooomaaaaaann SOON. (Daily Stab)
• Kristen Stewart will play Joan Jett in the new Runaways biopic. Will she be licking some ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bombs? (Anything Hollywood)
As we all know, Lindsay Lohan is a sober non-lesbian. The kind of sober non-lesbian who chugs vodka and frenches her girlfriend on video. She's so delightfully complex! We're in vacation mode with visions of brined bird on the brain, so we'll let Inside Edition take over and tell the tale.
OK, so technically YES, the girl with the substance abuse problem is falling off the wagon here, but let's focus on more important things. Like the fact that she's also kissing a lady, and her breasts look exquisite. We're pretty sure Lindsay could burn down an orphanage and the judge would be like, "Ms. Lohan, you did send 300 innocent children to an unspeakably painful death, but by God, your rack is sublime. I'll let you off with a warning. Just don't do it again, young lady. Unless you do it in a wet T-shirt."
• Girl meets girl. Girl gets girl. Girl flirts with boy at club. Girl on girl catfight ensues. It's another day in the tangled, demi-gay web of Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. (The Blemish)
Anti-fur activists usually throw ketchup, don't they? Well, it seems that when Lindsay Lohan in involved, they throw flour. Mix 'em together and you have a fetching pinkish paste that can be used to wrangle and glue runaway boobs into low-cut dresses. Or as denture paste. CelebWarship lays it down:
Lindsay Lohan received an unwelcomed surprise while partying in Paris on Saturday: a bag of flour poured over head. An animal rights activist became enraged after spotting Lindsay leaving a nightclub while wearing a black fur stole. As Samantha Ronson looked on, the activist dumped a bag over flour over Lindsay’s head while shouting “fur hag!”
PETA might have been pleased with the flour-dumping, but Samantha was pissed. The DJ chastised the activist via her Myspace blog.
“I’m pissed at the bag of flour thrown on Lindsay last night. Not because I got powdered down, but because the girl who threw it acted like an animal herself. I take that back, it’s an insult to animals to group her in with them, my dog is FAR more civilized than that person. I think there are plenty of families that could have used that flour for a meal. Nice job, lady.”
Sam should relax. Being doused in a giant bag of white powder is Lindsay's ultimate dream come true.
• The Adrienne Bailon nude pics were faked, but that doesn't mean you can't still masturbate to them. The glass, it's always half full with us. (Pop on the Pop)
• Kristen Bell bikini pics. Veronica Mars is out of this world! God, that was so clever!!!! (Egotastic)
This past election season, vaginally-freckled labe-licker Lindsay Lohan took to the streets of MySpace to vent her frustrations about Sarah Palin. And the new, improved, teetotaling Lindsay is not giving up her interest in current events now that the election is over. In fact, she bubbled over with excitement during an interview with Access Hollywood about our brand new "colored" president!
Afterwards, Lindsay excitedly chattered about what a wonderful melting pot we live in, and how someday Polocks or Orientals or even crippleds could rule the nation!
• Marisa Miller and other Victoria's Secret models at an underwear fitting. Look ma, no airbrushing. (The Blemish)
• Angelina Jolie says she's "still just a punk kid with tattoos". She went on to say, "Seriously, I saw Youth of Today four times and I own the Infest Slave LP on colored vinyl." (Fatback)
• Star says Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with twins. We say Star is pregnant with twin turds; i.e. full of shit. (Celebitchy)
• Britney Spears is on the cover of Cosmo. So you can ogle her weave while reading about the 10 tantric orgasm tips that will drive his nads wild. (Bitten and Bound)
Do you find television boring? Are there just not enough rehab/jail experienced blonde bimbos on it (barring Rock of Love, of course) for your tastes? Do you wish someone would turn Us Weekly into a weekly series? Well, good news: Your favorite tabloid darlings, Paris, Lindsay, and Britney are going to star in a sitcom together! Our favorite spinner of tall tales, FemaleFirst, brings us the story:
Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are in talks to star in a sitcom together.
US TV network HBO are reportedly keen to sign up the blonde trio - who used to be close friends and were regularly seen partying together in 2006 - to appear as flatmates struggling to make it big in Hollywood, in what has been described as a cross between 'Friends' and 'Ugly Betty'.
A source revealed to Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "The chemistry between them will be electric.
"They were very close and have had their ups and downs in the Los Angeles party world but they have overcome those problems now. They can draw from their experiences for the sitcom."
Show chiefs are said to have approached 'Extras' star Ricky Gervais and 'Desperate Housewives' creator Mark Cherry to pen the script, which will see the trio playing characters inspired by themselves.
The source added: "Paris will play a fashion designer who will try anything to get her outfits noticed.
"Britney's character is an aspiring singer, but her unusual song lyrics stop her from hitting the big time.
"Lindsay will be a little like Joey from 'Friends' - obsessed with men and food."
Jeez, source, as long as you're making up completely unbelievable stories that have about 0.000007% chance of ever coming true, why don't you throw in some really steamy details? Why not have Paris, Lindsay, and Britney pitching the script to an HBO executive who looks eerily like young Jenna Jameson after the trio spent night after night locked in a room sweating over script ideas? And as long as you've got them in that room, why don't you make sure that the central heat is broken so that the room stays a balmy 92 degrees for the girls' entire meeting? That way it's just a hop and a skip to full-on nude lesbian sex between Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan. That's really what the viewers of HBO want anyway. more »
Poor Lindsay Lohan. After all her hard work she finally landed a job—sure, it was a guest spot on a past-its-prime TV show, but still—and girl gets fired. Oh, sorry. Left the series early under amicable conditions. Potayto, potahto. Reports Page Six:
IT got so ugly on the set of "Ugly Betty" between Lindsay Lohan and the popular ABC show's star, America Ferrera, that Lohan was cut from an agreed-upon six episodes to four.
One production source said, "It was a mess. Lindsay would show up every day with an entourage of people. She smoked 24/7, and after she left, they had to repaint her dressing room it was such a mess."
In addition, Lohan "would obsessively cut pictures of herself out of the tabloids like she was creating some sort of scrapbook and refused to go on set until America was there - it was a power play."
One episode, titled "Granny Pants," was about how Lohan, playing Betty's high school nemesis, would "de-pants" Ferrera. But Ferrera exacts her revenge and pulls down Lohan's pants instead. "Lindsay wasn't wearing any underwear," the source said.
But a Lohan pal fumed, "Bull [bleep]! Lindsay wears underwear all the time now. She was wearing a G-string. And it was America's fault. They were rehearsing the scene and America wasn't supposed to pull Lindsay's pants down - but she did. Lindsay was so embarrassed, she started crying."
As for the dressing room, Lohan's pal said it was also used by the cast of the Fox sci-fi thriller "Fringe." "So maybe they messed it up. And an entourage? Yeah, she had her sober companion with her, as well as her manager, assistant and [girlfriend] Samantha Ronson. Her publicist was there a couple of times. But so what?"
The pal blames Ferrera for any issues, saying, "America was mean to Lindsay. Producers give her too much power. Lindsay didn't do the last two episodes because America didn't like her and got her kicked off."
Ferrera's rep would only say, "America is grateful to have had her on the show and thinks everyone should tune in to see how great the episodes are."
Lohan's rep said, "Lindsay was scheduled for six episodes and is appearing in four but had a lovely time."
We have a really hard time believing that sweet little America Ferrera is a raging bitch who would pick on a hardworking struggling actress trying to battle the demons of addiction. It's kind of like saying that Orlando Bloom routinely beat the shit out of Keith Richards on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean 3. more »
Is it just us, or has Lindsay Lohan gotten boring since she started licking clam? We were really hoping that the LiLo/SamRo thing would be a bit more like the Ellen/Anne Heche thing (because you just know that Lindsay will get bored and go back to dick, and there's a good chance that she'll lose her mind and wander through the desert searching for a spaceship before that). But today Linds is putting a little effort into keeping our attention. She's on the hunt for some man cunt and getting sued. The Mirror claims that Lindsay wants a piece of Gossip Girl pretty boy Chace Crawford:
After meeting him at the Diesel XXX Rock party in New York, the pair swapped numbers – and she has been calling him up to four times a day ever since.
Our party mole says: “Lindsay took a real shine to Chace and was pretty much throwing herself at him all night.
“She was standing in such a way that some part of her body was always touching him – at one point hip to hip.
“She was also giving him the filthiest looks, whispering in his ear, and turning everything he said into an innuendo.
“Everyone on the set of Gossip Girl has been teasing him mercilessly as Lindsay has been calling him three or four times a day and sending provocative text messages. Although she may just be having a laugh and not have any serious amorous intentions, everyone reckons Sam will go mad when she finds out.“
As a result Chace has been advised to stay well away from Lindsay and give the couple a very wide berth.”
Oh, honey, we don't think you understand what gay means. Gay girls like other gay girls, not gay boys.
And if that's not enough excitement for you, how about a little lawsuit? Everybody loves getting sued! Reports People:
Lindsay Lohan is being sued by three men in an SUV she drove during a car chase leading to her second DUI arrest last year.
The actress was "angry and aggressive" and the men "felt surprise, shock, fear and panic at Lohan's surprising and sudden act" of allegedly commandeering a car in which they happened to be sitting to chase her personal assistant through the streets of Santa Monica, according to the lawsuit.
The plaintiffs – Ronnie Blake, Jakon Sutter and Dante Nigro – are seeking unspecified damages in the case, filed in Superior Court in Santa Monica.
Although nobody was physically injured, their suit describes a wild, traumatic ride with Lohan allegedly angry and intoxicated as she went after the other car following a party.
"Dante and Jakon continued to implore Lohan to slow down, stating specifically that she was endangering all of their lives and that they could be killed," the lawsuit says. "Lohan refused to slow or stop, but instead responded with abusive cursing and vulgar language, including a statement that she did not care about the risk of death."
The lawsuit adds: "She also stated that because she was a celebrity she could do whatever she wants."
Wait a minute. Hold up here. Let us get this straight. Chace Crawford? Car chase? Chace, chase? What are you trying to tell us here, Lindsay? Are you planning a career change? The next time we stop by our local Chase bank will we see a plaque on a desk with the name Lindsay Lohan on it? Will you be assisting us in opening a money market account? Because, truthfully, that might be a good move at this point. more »
You know how people complain about Barbie dolls and how their proportions are anatomically impossible? Like, how if Barbie were a real woman her measurements would be 42-14-28 or something? Well, we're here to tell you. It's possible. These proportions exist and their name is Lindsay Lohan. Behold! Behold the Amazonian convexities of temptress Lohan! With her long blonde hair, slightly parted lips and bent elbow, and mammoth boobs resplendent and nipples visible in a see-through shirt, she's a Barbie come to life. A Barbie that secretly slams her shiny plastic crotch against that of DJ Skipper in the privacy of their own Dream House. The tiny McDonald's! The pink Corvette! In the camper and in the nursery of the Heart Family home--the plasticine lust of Firecrotch Barbie and DJ Skipper knows no bounds!
DJ Skipper and miniature Mattel strap-on sold separately. Ages 18 and up.
For years now, MySpace has been the preferred arena of celebrities for their wars of words. Don't forget the epic cyber-smackdown issued upon Paris and Lindsay by Shanna Moakler lo, so many years ago. But times and technology are changing, and our celebrities are growing up. So it's only fitting that they would outgrow MySpace blog taunts and move their battles to a more mature medium. Facebook! According to our own personal gossip social networking site, Female First:
Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are embroiled in a foul-mouthed internet fight. The pair - who were once friends - have been trading insults on popular social networking site Facebook.
'Mean Girls' star Lindsay branded the hotel heiress a "bitch" and "pathetic" before launching a four-letter tirade after Paris had set up a group on the site called 'Firecrotch', referring to the actress' red hair.
But Paris hit back, saying it was her who was the pathetic one because she has set up a Facebook group about her first called 'Paris Wets Herself', which refers to a couple of incidents where the 27-year-old blonde is said to have urinated in a sauna and in the back of a taxi cab.
Although creating nasty groups is a nice touch, there are so many more appropriate Facebook applications via which a pair of disgruntled celebs could vent their disgust. "FIrecrotch" pieces of flair. Endless werewolf attacks. A battle royale using Scramble. Superpokin' till they bleed. more »
Yesterday was Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson's final day of their wet hot Mexican summer vacation in Los Cabos. Though what we're really interested in here is Los Yabbos. The big, bouncy ones straining under the wet black Lycra of Lilo's bikini. Look at all the fun she and Sam are having. Holding hands, splashing in the surf, giggling. You'd think they were a couple of 5-year-olds building sand castles at Virginia Beach, were it not for the cunnilingus and all.
The highly pneumatic, slightly asthmatic Lindsay Lohan hit the beach yesterday with her eatalotapuss gal pal, the butchily fetching Sam Ronson. Two girls, two bikinis, and the salty, slightly seafood-y scent of the ocean air . . . ah, truly the stuff of a Sappho poem. Minus the cigarettes and popsicles. For two girls who prefer the touch and taste of dames, these two certainly like to shove phallus-shaped implements into their mouths. Then again, when was the last time you found a frozen treat that looked like a pussy? Oh yeah, the Fat Frog.
When Michael Lohan was a toddler, he threw temper tantrums to get attention. When he was a child, he threw Lincoln Logs. When he was an adult, he threw shoes at his brother-in-law's head over a family meal, resulting in jail time. And now that he's the father of a very famous young lady, he's throwing barbs at his child Lindsay and her Sapphic sylph Samantha Ronson. Page Six scoops the poop:
Lindsay Lohan wants her father to just shut up - especially since Michael Lohan furiously scratched an e-mail to X17online the other day, calling Lohan's girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, "dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity."
In the e-mail posted on Sunday, Michael wrote, "I don't believe that the recent blogs posted by 'Lindsay' were written by her" and touted, "There is a lot more to Samantha than meets the eye. Not that what we see is so pleasing anyway . . . what's with this 'person?' Look at the way she 'dresses.'
But Lindsay is standing by her Sam, telling Page Six in an e-mail via her rep: "My father obviously needs to be on medication to control his moods. He is out of line and his words show how much anger he has, and it's dangerous and scary as it reminds me of how he treated my mother and I my whole childhood. He needs to be stopped. This is yet another reason why we aren't speaking.
"I am in a great place in life. I have overcome a lot and have been able to learn how to enjoy and appreciate my life in every way possible. I'm proud of myself for being able to make a change in the past year and a half.
"My past is behind me, and that's final. There's nothing more to be said. All the false accusations that people try to make are simply because there's no story when things are calm and good. But they might as well let it go because their lies don't affect me anymore. Samantha is not evil, I care for her very much and she's a wonderful girl. She loves me, as I do her."
Michael Lohan needs to update his put-downs because he's sounding terribly behind the times. "What is this 'person'" and "look at the way she 'dresses'"? Who under 83 talks like that? He sounds like Mark Metcalf in the "We're Not Gonna Take It" video.
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• Elle MacPherson named the greatest model of all time. Janice Dickinson is somewhere guzzling Drano right now. (Daily Stab)
• Hilary Swank was hospitalized to remove a "small benign growth". Her penis, right? (Celebitchy)
• Ryan O'Neal and his son Redmond bond. By getting busted for meth together. This makes Tatum's bust look kind of classy.(Derek Hail)
• Joe Francis opens his douche-hole to say he thinks Lohan is straight and just going through a phase. Who wouldn't give up men after screwing Joe Francis? (CelebWarship)
• 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has a boyfriend. He's 20. And an underwear model. This should be good. (Hollywood Grind)
• Do you have the balls to . . . name that celebrity cameltoe? (Cityrag)
• Shauna Sand wears a see-through dress to match her see-through shoes. (Drunken Stepfather)
We knew it wouldn't be long before Lindsay Lohan, jonesing for the sweet embrace of a man, took matters into her own hands and forcibly felt a male's flesh. But we also thought the scenario would include Lilo running into Chace Crawford in a club, where she would begin to stroke his expertly exfoliated and moisturized skin before he uttered a string of "ew"s and backed away. But instead the male Lindsay couldn't help but reach out and touch was a paparazzo. Whom she punched, Sienna Miller style. TMZ even has video of her, where after the altercation she says into her cell phone, "Oh my God, I just hit a paparazzi." One thing is clear from this incident though: Linds must really actually be broke. Cause the girl can't even afford a de-piller for her ratty old sweater. All she needs is a forty-year-old Barcalounger and she'd look just like our grandpa. Poor thing.
• Naomi Campbell plans to have babies. Great. Ever notice how a rattle is the exact length and weight of a Blackberry? (Derek Hail)
• Everybody wants Tina Fey or Megan Mullally to do a Sarah Palin impression. But Gina Gershon's got it covered, bikini and all. (Yeeeah!)
• Josh Hartnett is the only man alive who plans on suing someone for saying he had hot sex in a library. Dork. (IDLYITW)
• Anne Hathaway's scuzzo ex got sentenced to five years in the big house. And we just got sentenced to 10 minutes of masturbating to Anne naked in Havoc. Everyone wins! (CelebWarship)
• And he shall be forever called Fishdick. (Holy Taco)
• VH1 is working on a new dating show starring Antonio Sabato Jr. You know who's going to be really excited about this? My sister, in 1991. (Seriously OMG WTF)
• Look! We made a list of the "Top 100 Hilarious and Addictive Celebrity Blogs". See, we're not as bad as everyone says. (The Love Coach)
We want Lindsay Lohan to succeed, we really, truly do. We want her to realize that blonde doesn't work for her and go back to her wonderful shiny red hair and mature to take the place of Julianne Moore as the world's sexiest redhead. And while she's at it, she will regain her career by taking over for Natasha Richardson in a remake of her original remake of the original Parent Trap. Only instead of a classy British wedding-dress designer, Lindsay will be the New York mom who lives in a loft and earns her ducets as a cutting-edge photographer or something. That, or we'll be happy with her and Sam getting married and Linds lounging around the pool sipping virgin daiquiris in her caftan while Sam installs shelving in all of their closets. But for either of these futures to become reality, she will have to try really, really hard—every damn day—to stay off the drugs. So we hope to God that this pic is just illustrating how important it is to take your Flonase every day to prevent post-nasal drip and it is not a coke booger that we see up in that nostril. Please, Linds, stay off the junk. Because those futures we imagined for you earlier sound a lot nicer than becoming Mackenzie Phillips.
Another day, another rumor about Lindsay Lohan and her well-hatted lap licker, Samantha Ronson. Today, our gossip sperm donor, Female First, reports that the pair are so deliriously happy that they plan on raising a child together. A source said:
"Lindsay is in a very happy place at the moment. She's been having deep discussions about a baby. She wants a natural birth and has spoken to Sam about getting one of her ex-boyfriends to help out. They don’t want to adopt."
Well, 22 is actually 41 in Hollywood years, so she'd really better get on that. But we don't understand why Lindsay and Sam just don't draw a face on one of Lohan's gazongas and pretend it's an infant. It's warm and pink and chubby and cute. They can take turns holding it. It doesn't wake you up at 3 A.M., it doesn't cry, and it doesn't crap. And if they want to get really meta, Lindsay can press one against the other to "feed" it.
More Lindsay Lohan side boob from the VMAs (via Hollywood Tuna):
So you wanna see Lindsay Lohan's lung balloons again, do ya? Well, sorry buddy, but you're plum outta luck. Apparently lesbianism has made LiLo less of an exhibitionist. What a gyp. According to Page Six:
IT'S once nude, twice shy for Lindsay Lohan. The Sapphic-leaning star has turned down a $700,000 offer to do an eight-page topless spread in Playboy's 55th-anniversary issue this January. "If there's nudity, then the answer's no . . . She's not going down the [New York] magazine road again," Lohan's rep told Playboy's creative consultant, Hal Lifson, referring to Lindsay's naked Marilyn Monroe tribute last winter. Lifson said he hoped to have Lohan do a tribute to '60s sex kitten Ann-Margret and her film "Kitten With a Whip," which is one of Lohan's faves.
So let's get this straight: Lindsay, who once was worth a "poor" and "disgusting" seven million dollars and has went through multiple pricey rehab stints since then without raking in much more cash through a little thing called "work", was willing to show off pretty much everything but her pee hole for free in New York magazine but won't repeat the effort for Playboy for $700,000? Is she so ashamed of her former red-headed, freckled self that she's unwilling to recapture the look in tribute to Ann-Margret? Or is she just relying on little sis Ali paying the bills from now on? Cause that doesn't seem like a very solid plan. more »
Last night, Lindsay Lohan and her father Michael fought to the death. Fought to the death of Lindsay's grandfather, that is. And like any dutiful mourning son, Michael took the opportunity to get his father's affairs in order, think back upon the good times, and plan a moving funeral. Hahahahaha! No, just kidding. We're talking about Michael Lohan here! He used it as an opportunity to talk to the media and give his daughter a few more jabs. Mike told OK! mag:
"My father just, literally, died in my arms. I notified all my kids and my lawyer notified Dina's attorney. Let's see if she has the decency and respect to bring my kids to the wake and funeral. THIS will show her true colors! Thus, not even a call. But that's par for the course with Dina! She didn't even send a card or visit when he was sick."
It's like Grandpa Lohan slowly let out his last breath, closed his eyes, and slumped to the side and Michael stood up and spiked his dad's still-warm body, jumping on top of it to do the Carlton dance and crow, "In your fucking FACE, Dina! Boo-yah!"
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In the old days, people would settle arguments by having a pistol duel at dawn. Or falling upon one's own sword to preserve their honor. Or making like Justin Timberlake and having a dance-off. These days, lugers and the pachanga have been replaced by a bloody battle of words in an arena known by all. An arena called MySpace. Lindsay Lohan and her labe-loving lady friend, Samantha Ronson, both angrily sat behind the keyboard and bashed out responses to Papa Michael Lohan's trash talk of Sam. Lindsay wrote:
If you have something to say to me, say it to my face- that’s what i have believed my whole life- don’t be a coward and say it to others first, let alone all the media in the world- i think we know where the rest of this blog is going…
If you guessed it had to do with my father- then you guessed right! It really hurts, because i have tried- after all that my mother and siblings have gone through, i really tried to make things work- For the hope of having a father again-wanting things to change- even though people have said, some people will forever remain the same.
Having said that- the people were right, and he is yet to change- but this time, without his daughter by his side- He has become a public embaressment and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is).
Samantha has not and would never sell me out. Nor has my mother, who is wonderful.
Samantha also got charged up and wrote this on her blog:
i really don't want to say anything because i feel like he wins- he, being the man who is so desperate for attention that he goes to the media whenever possible- i know i am being used, i am just a pawn- easy to sacrifice in order to feed his addiction. I was angry when i first read his attack on me, but- for me- i believe that actions speak louder than words... so now i just pity him- i am not standing in his way- i am not the reason that he has no contact with his daughter- he is- his need to throw a tantrum for the whole world to hear is- i am not going to go into a play by play defense- i feel no need to publicly defend my role in lindsay's life- i'm just sorry that she likes me more than him.
p.s. i'm not the one that is so lost that i need to use my relationship with lindsay to earn a living.... i am, always will and always have been here for her for her- not for anything else....so I think it's safe to say that there is not now and never will be a tell all..... written by me..... when does your book come out mr. lohan?
So what happens after a MySpace war of words? How does one take it to the next cyberlevel after a blog tar and feathering? Will Michael hack Sam's page and insert a picture of her with the words "STUPID! LAME! JERK!" in MS Paint and an arrow pointing to her head? Will Lindsay give his email address to Nigerian princes and Cialis salesmen? Or will they take their battle international and sign up for Orkut accounts? more »
We like to take the piss out of buxom firecrotch Lindsay Lohan and her hat stand lover, Samantha Ronson, but deep down we worship those crazy cha-cha chewers and harbor nothing but warm wishes. Someone who doesn't? Michael Lohan, Lindsay's Jesus-loving, press-fellating former jailbird dad. Pops told E! Online:
“I’m not happy. Ever since [Lindsay] got out of rehab and all these people came back into her life, things haven’t been right.
“People like Samantha Ronson don’t need to be around Lindsay. She shouldn’t be dragging Lindsay around nightclubs. Who was Samantha Ronson before Lindsay Lohan? She was nobody. She is using her for her own gain. All these people have inserted themselves into her life like parasites, and it’s not right. I’m done with them.”
And if there's anyone who wouldn't know a dang thing about using Lindsay Lohan's fame as a springboard for any sort of attention, it's Michael Lohan. However, rumor also has it that SamRo is writing a tell-all on her life with Lindsay. A source told E!:
"Samantha is certainly telling friends she's planning to write a book. It's supposed to be about her, allegedly. But come on, you know Lindsay will be all over that book. She's the only one people want to read about."
Sounds touching! Touching yourself. It will be like Chicken Soup for the Lesbian Soul. Or maybe Lickin' Goop from the Lesbian Hole. Hi-yooooo!
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Look! It's Spy Vs. Spy. No, no, it's actually Lindsbian Lohan and her chuff-munching chum, Samantha Ronson, enjoying a stroll in Hollywood this weekend. What are they trying to say with those matching outfits? Sam is an angel and Lohan, with her past smelling of SUV crashes and Jared Leto's balls, is the bad guy? Or maybe it's some obscure gay lady "top/bottom" code, like when dudes at the leather bar put a purple handkerchief in their back pocket to signify forbidden anal pleasures? Actually, it's more likely another way for Lindsay to go braless and trot out that magnificent rack once again. Bouncing along, as if to say, "Not only are we attached to a famous female you won't likely meet, but said famous female has grown weary of your sex and now only allows the delicate hands of the fairer sex to cup these." Like a delectable, nipply carrot in front of our nose, they dangle. Taunting. Mocking.
Weeks ago, the Montauk Monster washed ashore, terrifying everyone with its powerful beak and leathery flesh. This week, two random gentlemen came forward with what they said was the corpse of Bigfoot, though it turned out to be nothing more than a flaccid gorilla suit. Today, another sort of beast makes an appearance. Its flesh is blinding white, speckled with small beige dots. It is round, overfed, plump. It confounds yet entices with its jiggling undulation. It remains half hidden in its cottony home, peeking out shyly to survey its surroundings. It is known as Lindsay Lohan's side boob, and it's widely regarded in the scientific community as not being a hoax. "Unlike the Loch Ness monster, Lindsay Lohan's side boob does not invoke terror and should not be looked upon as a threat. We regard it as a natural wonder of the universe," an expert said in an official statement. "However, one question remains unanswered: What does the side boob want with us? Understanding, is our guess. Understanding and the hardening of weenises."
Lindsay Lohan kissed a girl. And she liked it. Liked it so much that she went and kissed another. According to a mysterious source who blabbed to the UK's always-reliable News of the World, Lindsay definitely had a physical and emotional relationship with rich person's daughter/gay lady/present muff-bumper of Tila TequilaCourtenay Semel. The stoolie sang:
"Everyone thinks Samantha is Lindsay’s first lesbian love, but we were very passionate until her fear of being found out drove us apart,” Courtenay told the pal. “At the time she was terrified her career would be over if she revealed her sexual tendencies. But then Samantha came on to the scene and I was dropped.”
The source continues, “She met Lindsay in the summer of 2006 at a party in Malibu. From the start Lindsay was very confused about her feelings for Courtenay so did more and more drugs to stifle the sexual attraction she was experiencing. But eventually she just gave in and at every party they’d kiss and touch each other in the corner. It’s a miracle nobody found out. Both of them would do lines of cocaine in the toilets then head home and fall into bed together."
Ah, the old girl meets girl, girl stifles urges, girl does blow and chews other girl's cha-cha. Honestly, this could be a made-for-Lifetime movie starring Tina Yothers and Tracey Gold.
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Lindsay Lohan is an addict. We knew it wouldn't be long before she fell. She can try and try, swear off the stuff and try to replace it, but she'll always come back to her first love. And of course we mean wiener. The girl loves her some cock. Reports OK! magazine (under the headline "Is Lindsay a Faux-mosexual?" Ho ho!):
Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson may be inseparable, but following weeks of arguments, friends tell OK! they fear that Linds will leave her DJ girlfriend — for a man.
Apparently LiLo has already been flirting with guys, and cracks are seem to be appearing in the relationship.
On August 5 at the Delano Hotel’s Florida Room, Lindsay, 22, cozied up to other men whenever Sam left her side.
“Lindsay was laughing and giggling with these guys,” an eyewitness tells OK!.
And earlier that day, guests at the Miami hotel witnessed the couple’s repeated clashes.
“Lindsay is the aggressive one in the relationship,” an insider tells OK!. “Sam tries to focus on Lindsay, but it’s never enough.” Another friend adds, “Lindsay has to be the center of attention, or she’ll flirt with other guys to make Sam jealous.”
But back in L.A. on Aug. 6, the pair were “hand in hand and very affectionate” at Crown Bar, and on Aug. 8, they partied for Sam’s birthday.
“The situation is between them,” Lindsay’s dad, Michael Lohan, tells OK!. “God tells us to love each other, and love doesn’t discriminate.”
But Lindsay’s friend says, “She’ll be with the next guy who catches her eye — she can’t help it!”
This was obviously inevitable. There's no way Lindsay can go the rest of her life without kneading some balls. Maybe she should give Anne Heche a call; she'd probably have some sage advice on how to best make the transition back to schlong lover. more »
That Sam Ronson, she's a smart girl. She knows that Lindsay Lohan was a big fan of dong before quitting the juice, so naturally she fears that her lady love will miss a nice fat dick and stray from her womanly arms. But obviously Sam is not willing to pump herself full of steroids and grow a wee peeny a la Chyna, so she came up with a better solution: put a bunch of dicks on her t-shirt to comfort Lindsay (click the pic for a closer view). And just so Linds doesn't see a penis and a vagina frolicking on cotton, Sam made sure that only dudes were enjoying the man meat on her tee. It's sort of like sitting Lindsay down and showing her diagrams of gay sex and explaining, "Penises are for boys to play with. Girls don't like penises. Girls like vaginas." more »
We're not sure how this is possible, but somehow Samantha Ronson ditching the ever-present chapeau makes her look more like Aaron Carter. Watch out, Linds, before Hilary Duff gets wind of the resemblance and comes back for her revenge.
Not-so-secret lap lickers Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson recently had to scale a wall to escape from their hotel room. There's some sort of lesbian-sex metaphor in there somewhere, we just know it. Lindsay had to scale the walls of Sam's vadge to escape the confines of socially acceptable heterosexual love? No? Sam had to scale the heights of Lindsay's fame . . . ah screw it. They like chewing on each other's coochies, and they had to get out of a hotel room via the balcony, that's the story. Here's The New York Daily News's take:
The paparazzi waiting to snap Lindsay Lohan and gal pal Samantha Ronson in front of the Bowery Hotel Sunday night would've snagged the shot of a lifetime - if only they were in the back of the building.
After being locked in their room due to a malfunctioning door, the duo's only option for exit was out the balcony of their second-floor room and down the side wall.
"Thankfully, the busboys and wait staff were there to climb up and help the girls down," says our insider. "Lindsay and Sam were laughing hysterically. They thought it was the funniest thing ever."
Meanwhile, friends of LiLo were shocked at the actress' new BlackBerry messenger name: "LL <3s [hearts] samanhattan - I didn't get hit by a bike!!!" So did she get mowed down by a two-wheeler on Saturday, as had been reported, or not?
"When we asked her what actually happened, she clammed up," says a friend. "She did go to the hospital, but won't tell anyone why. It's really odd."
Lohan's rep didn't return our calls, while the Bowery Hotel declined to comment on "guests and their happenings."
Of course Lindsay didn't get rammed into by a bike. "Bike" is SamRo's code name for extra-large double-donged dildo. Even Lindsay can't handle that thing, and a trip to the emergency room was necessary. Case closed. more »
Straight couples generally exchange engagement or wedding rings as a token of their everlasting love. Gay marriage still isn't legal, so what are two lovestruck young lady-loving crack snackers to do when it comes to wearing matching jewelry? According to Lindsay Lohan and her jauntily behatted chick chum, Samantha Ronson, the answer lies in something called "the Infinity Bracelet". Does it have a secret compartment for dental dams? Reports Splash News:
Lindsay and Sam have been wearing matching Jules Smith Infinity Lock bracelets. "The bracelets represent their relationship -- they have each other on lockdown, and there's no one else who can open up the key to their hearts."
That's so weird because a few scant months ago, the lock on Lindsay's womanly safe was able to be picked by anyone with a bobby pin. Wait, did we say bobby pin? We meant penis. more »
Oh, Lindsay Lohan, you wily little firecrotch. You dastardly, speckled enchantress. You've been so busy coyly rubbing your lips against your Aaron Carter lookalike lover lady that we haven't noticed what you've been doing there. Under your shirt. And that's feeding the bears. Bears, boobs, whatever, they're both huge and powerful yet cuddly. According to our personal gossip zookeeper, FemaleFirst, Lindsay's been stuffing her cakehole full of crap that's been going to all the right places. She says,
"My guiltiest pleasure is McDonalds and I adore their French fries. I also love peanut butter and jam sandwiches in the morning after a night out.
"When I was filming 'The Parent Trap' in London all I wanted was American food like Dunkin' Donuts and McDonalds but I was only young. Nowadays, I love to eat turkey sandwiches in my trailer with mayonnaise and salad. I have them on brown bread though to counteract the mayonnaise."
So if fish is "brain food", we now know that McDonald's is "tit food". It's like when you're six and your dad says, "Eat your carrots! They'll put hair on your chest!" Only replace "carrots" with "The Arch Deluxe" or "Skippy and Smuckers" and "hair" with "gigantic yoinkers".
More of Lindsay without Sam, without a bra, but with nurse shoes:
• Reggie Bush desires less tush from girlfriend Kim Kardashian. He also hates America, freedom, petting puppies, and ice cream. (Celebitchy)
• Bret Michaels and Ambre Lake have ended their "relationship". Now Bret can spend more time with his hair and the finest European extensions money can buy. (Celeb Warship)
Take a good look at the picture over to the left. It's as if Lindsay Lohan is remembering the good old days, seeing if she misses the feeling of a rigid tube of flesh poking her in the cheek. And it seems that the answer is no. Nope, girly prefers a big juicy clam in her maw, as word on the street is that Lilo is preparing to permanently play wifey to hat stand Samantha Ronson. According to The Mirror (via Yeeeah!):
Sam splashed out on an [$22,000] Cartier diamond ring for her girlfriend. “Sam took Lindsay shopping to celebrate her 22nd birthday,” says a source. “Although Lindsay is the major breadwinner, Sam has her own money and is very proud. It’s a token of her commitment. Lindsay is thrilled.”
You know, when we were in the habit of watching Mean Girls about once a week, watching Lindsay's glorious gazongas testing the limits of Forever 21 cotton/poly blends, we had dreams about stuff like this. Only in those dreams the girl sticking her digits into LiLo's taco usually looked a bit more like Scarlett Johansson than a mannish mash-up of David Spade and Charlie Chaplin. Be careful what you wish for, kiddos. more »
• Megan Fox straps her camel toe into some stretch pants for a shopping excursion. (Faded Youth)
• And speaking of Megan Fox, her former(?) fiance Brian Austin Green denies the breakup rumors, says the couple are "solid". Solid as a rock? So nothing's changed it? And what you're saying is that the feeling's still hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hot? (PopCrunch)
• The first look at Jamie Lynn Spears's little baby, Maddie Briann. Maddie's next OK! cover: in thirteen years, when she marries cousin Sean Preston in a romantic toothless ceremony in Louisiana. (Dlisted)
• Jennifer Lopez in a bikini. Post-twins, her abs are still flatter than yours, and her ass is still bigger than the sun. (Flisted)
• Lilo and SamRo ride the pink caterpillar at Disneyland. Ohhhh yeaaaaah. (Holy Taco)
• See Jaime Pressly in a bikini and you'll be nothin' but a horn dog. Eh? Yes? No? Bah. (IDLYITW)
• New Paris Hilton TV show in the works. And no, sadly, it's not a Fear Factor type show involving a rocket sending her to the surface of the moon to see how long she can hold her breath. (Hollywire)
We really like the relationship between Lindsay Lohan and her record-spinning poon pal Samantha Ronson, and watching their body language has left little doubt as to who wears the pants in their romance. But the new issue of Star apparently has all the info on what goes down (<-- clever play on words!!!!) in the Ron-han home:
"They're totally playing house and loving every minute of it," a source tells Star. "And, yes, they share a bed!"
They call Samantha's Hollywood Hills house "home" — and behind closed doors, "Lindsay and Sam play certain roles," the source explains. "Sam is the boss, the husband. Lindsay is the passive one, the wife. It works for them!"
Today is Lindsay's 22nd birthday. Hopefully Sam was a good spouse and bought her beloved something pretty that husbands should always get their wives. Like a new Kitchenaid mixer, or a Honda Odyssey with a big red bow around it, or a new silicone G-Spotter. more »
• Reality show star/monster Heidi Montag promises to make a Christian album, compares herself to Jesus. "Because we both have really shiny hair and heal leopards," Heidi says. "That's what the poor people with zits are called, right?" (Yeeeah!)
• Katherine Heigl downblouse cleavage shot. By the by, why is the term downblouse? What an antiquated word. We don't say "upcrinoline". Though "crack above slacks" has a nice ring to it. (Egotastic!)
• Anne Hathaway does not heed the rap world's advice to "stop snitchin'"; snitches. (Flisted)
By now you've heard the story that broke late Friday about Lindsay Lohan possibly having an illegitimate thirteen-year-old half sister. Our question to you is, did Michael Lohan make up the whole thing to get the publicity? (What "projects" he needs to publicize we have no idea.) And if so, did he hold a casting call to find the perfect mini Lindsay, referring not to his precious memories and photographs of his dear daughter, as he probably has none, but instead to a Tivo'd airing of The Parent Trap on ABC Family to find the best lookalike?
Just taking a moment to let you know that we at CelebNewsWire are not all about negativity. We're not just snark, not just about implying that Britney Spears pours President's Choice cola on her morning bowl of Quisp. No, we like to uplift. And today, on the eve of the summer solstice, we're going to do so by posting this picture of Lindsay Lohan in 2001 form. Cute, freckled, fresh-faced, smiling, pretty, wholesome, happy. Working. She's not starring in a remake of Bad News Bears; she's acting in a movie called Labor Pains. Yay, job! Yay, cute healthy Lindsay! Yay a return to form! Yay for . . .
Self tanner streaks, needlessly showing flesh, donning grass-grazing pants that nearly bare firecrotch, smoking a butt, giving us a look at where thousands of dongs have jizzed before. Ah, now that's our Lindsay.
• Lindsay Lohan has pulled a Heigl and withdrawn her name from the Emmy race. To which the Emmy panel said, "OK. Sounds good. Who's Lindsay Lohan?" (Celebitchy)
• Mickey Rourke takes his new face out to ogle some gay stripper's grape-smugglers. (Yeeeah!)
• Keanu Reeves is seeing China Chow. You're also seeing China Chow. Seeing her topless, that is. In related news, China Chow is not kibble for Chinese people that comes in a 15 lb bag. Who knew? (Taxi Driver)
• Jennifer Lopez and Unfrozen Caveman Husband take their spawn out for some fresh air. (Faded Youth)
• Forget danceoffs; Mel B is getting her revenge on Eddie Murphy with an album called Beverly Hills Cock. That sounds nice. (Daily Stab)
• Gisele Bundchen speaks highly of beau Tom Brady; says he "doesn't have a bad bone in his body." That's right, because his bad bone is in YOUR body. Swish! (CelebWarship)
• Boil some water and get some clean sheets--Britney's on her way to Lousiana to be there for Jamie-Lynn's birthin'! Wait a minute, we're talking about Spearses. Boil some Diet Mountain Dew and get some dirty sheets! (The Hollywood Gossip)
• Brittany Snow not naked, but well-versed in cock and ball torture in On the Doll! (Fatback)
• In case you were wondering if Pam Anderson's nipples were still inching their way towards her armpits, the answer is a resounding yes! (Taxi Driver)
• Abigail Clancy: dumpy name, glamorous naked boobs in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Despite her assertions to the contrary, Jessica Alba is most definitely shopping around pics of her baby. (Cityrag)
• Awwww. Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson, happy and hugging. Not as exciting as groaning and fingerblasting, but we make do with what we're given. (Yeeeah!)
Since Lindsay Lohan moved on to sucking clam in the DJ booth, we haven't heard many of those "I banged LiLo in a toilet stall" stories that we feel like we've heard a million times before. Penthouse ForumThe Sun relays this very believable story:
THERE’S not a week that goes past without a new LINDSAY LOHAN sex story – and in the latest she’s gone back to men.
BOBBY BROWN’S son BRANDON is claiming that he got intimate with the actress in a TOILET.
Apparently Lindsay – who most recently has been seen cosying up to female DJ SAMANTHA RONSON – couldn’t resist the reality TV star’s charms.
He boasts: “Me and Lindsay got really, really close.
“She followed me to the bathroom during a private party, and, well, we basically got together.
“I think she knew who I was when she first saw me.
“We were just staring at each other and she walked by. I walked into the bathroom and she followed me in.”
Unsurprisingly things didn’t work out, although Brandon says: “I'm actually trying to get back in touch with her – really soon.”
Hmmmmm. “I think she knew who I was when she first saw me." We're going to call bullshit on that one, as The Sun didn't even know who he was. Bobby Brown doesn't have a son named Brandon. It's Landon. Sure, he's technically a "reality TV star" as The Sun claims, having appeared on Rock the Cradle, but when you're outshone by castmates Chloe "I only look like I was just punched in the face" Lattanzi and Lil B. Sure!, that's not saying much about your powers to be recognized by A-listers. Plus, we highly doubt Lohan watches much MTV. What little time she has to devote to the televised arts is usually spent catching a showing of Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade on Skinemax. more »
In case you missed last night's airing of the MTV Movie Awards, fear not! MTV will rerun them probably three times a day until next June. You can see famous lady attendees in their finery here, you can peruse the list of winners here, but the big news is that we went all Perez and actually had a CelebNewsWire correspondent backstage at the awards as well as at the afterparty. So without further ado, please enjoy the following EXCLUSIVE!!!!! SECRET!!! SCOOP!!!!!! on the backstage goings-on.
According to our spy:
7. Most sought-after celeb backstage: Christian Siriano from Project Runway.
6. Second most sought-after celeb backstage: Rainn Wilson. "Ladies love him," says Deep Throat. He is also extremely nice and personable, having time for everyone. He was worried about how his teddy-bear-tied-to-dong skit would come off, though he needn't have fretted.
5. Also top dog in the personality category: Anna Faris. Who, apparently, enjoys a cigarette or two but will only bum puffs off others instead of smoking her own.
4. Vern Troyer was riding on people's shoulders.
3. Tila Tequila is actually rather attractive in real life (we're having a hard time believing this one).
2. Lindsay Lohan was there with an entire entourage . . . of homosexuals. Of the boy homo and girl homo varieties. She would ONLY hang out with the gays and the lezzies, no mere mortal breeders were allowed to enter the orbit of the Lohan. No Samantha Ronson, however.
1. Paris Hilton was backstage . . . in a display case. No. Really. It was a cordoned-off area where she sat perched on a couch behind curtains and ropes, surrounded by colossal African-American bodyguards, who shielded her from view when she smoked cigarettes. Later, she and Benji Madden were escorted away and Christian Siriano replaced her in the sideshow freak display.
We hear that next year, everyone is expecting to up the ante by having Lindsay Lohan scissor Tila Tequila on top of Vern Troyer's shoulders while smoking. Which, coincidentally, is the basis for the new reality hit planned for VH-1's fall line up. It's called The Lindsay Lohan Scissoring Tila Tequila on Top of Vern Troyer's Shoulders While Smoking Comedy Hour. No idea how they came up with that title.
So you're a 21-year-old already nearly washed-up and somewhat rehabbed actress and you've finally found the lesbian love of your life and you want to declare to the whole world that she's the only one who will be sampling your clam from now on. What do you do next? Go to Dollywood, of course! Our gossip island in the stream, FemaleFirst, reports:
The 'Mean Girls' star was seen sporting a ring at the Dolce and Gabanna party at the Cannes Film Festival, in France, and reportedly told her former lover, British model Calum Best, the pair are engaged.
According to Britain's Daily Star newspaper, the 'Georgia Rule' star has apparently told friends she wants to have a partnership ceremony with Ronson at Dolly Parton's Dollywood theme park in July.
She is also referring to herself as Lindsay Ronson.
Rumours Lohan and Ronson are more than just friends have been circulating for months.Previously leaked emails from Lohan to Ronson said: "Babe, if I don't have you in my life then I should just go die? I want to marry you."
Reports also suggest that since returning from the world famous film festival, Lohan has moved into Ronson's Los Angeles home.
We really think that Dollywood is an inspired location for a Lohan wedding. Not only is Dolly a beloved gay icon and therefore accepting of Lindsay and Sam's love, she also knows a thing or two about using your gigantic bosoms to get ahead in life. Linds could learn something from good ol' Dolly, as LiLo doesn't yet seem to understand that her hooters have a hypnotizing effect on her audience. Used in the right way, Lindsay's headlights could lure millions upon millions of men to repeatedly pay to see a Lindsay Lohan joint, even if it was an imaginative dual sequel to Herbie Fully Loaded and Just My Luck. Those pontoons are just that powerful.
Oh, and even Lindsay's dad says, "Duh, she totally boinking Sam."
And in case Lindsay's meager engagement ring up there doesn't fulfill your daily quota of pizazz, witness Dolly Parton singing "9 to 5" with a bunch of be-costumed Disney characters.
Paris is known as Gay Paree, but this week, Cannes is the most homosexual French city of them all! Like two hand-in-hand Godzillas wearing tool belts and cutting a swath of vaginal-scented destruction, Lindsay Lohan and her chick chum Samantha Ronson descended on Cannes. And although little sister Ali Lohan recently told Extra:
“They’re best friends. They’re just friends. It’s pathetic what people say.”
the couple sure enjoyed themselves during a party on Puffy Dribble-D Doody's yacht last night:
You half expect Kathie Lee Gifford to appear, hoist herself on a piano, and croon, "IIIIIIf they cooould . . . see me now, out on a Fun Ship Cruise . . . I'm eatin' fancy poon, yes, some Lo-han cooze!" Actually, you don't expect that at all. But you do expect Lindsay and Sam to maybe go adopt a golden retriever together and then do a little spring shopping at Eddie Bauer.
Words that once described Lindsay Lohan: luscious, bazoomy, juicy, succulent. Words that will forever describe Courtney Love: used, tired, withered, leathery. Think back to the height of Lindsay's Mean Girls fame four years ago. Would you have been able to believe that in that short amount of time Lindsay would transform into a Courtney lookalike? Oh, how the mighty fall. According to Star:
Lindsay Lohan might want to get a makeover — stat.
Exhausted from shopping on Robertson Boulevard in L.A. on May 9, the starlet took a break to grab lunch at Cuvée Café when fans started shouting, "Courtney! Courtney!"
"People actually mistook Lindsay for Courtney Love!" a source tells Star.
Wearing black Ray-Ban sunglasses and bright-pink lipstick similar to what Courtney sometimes wears, she was a dead ringer for the rock queen.
"She was also looking extremely pale," the source adds. "You know things are going downhill when you get mistaken for an ex-druggie plastic surgery disaster who's twice your age!"
That's really an impressive accomplishment on Lindsay's part if you think about it. It took Courtney decades of hard drug use, public scrutiny, devastating heartbreak, and plain old crazy to achieve that face. Well, those things and plastic, collagen, Botox, and probably some substance distilled from sheep ovaries. Lindsay was able to bypass all that hard work and zip straight to haggard cougar in a matter of months. more »
Lindsay Lohan might be famous and under the harsh glare of the media spotlight at all times, but underneath it all, she's just a regular girl. And like regular girls whose Daddies didn't love them, she likes to steal to fill up the hole inside her heart. Just ask her buddy Lauren Hastings! Well, robble robble, because Lindsay is back to her hamburgling ways. According to the NY Post:
A Columbia co-ed wants to know how Lindsay Lohan ended up wearing her $11,000 blond mink coat - and is demanding the "Mean Girl" pay for the impromptu rental.
Masha Markova, 22, believed she had forever lost the prized jacket - a gift from her grandmother - while attending a private birthday party at 1Oak in the Meatpacking District in the early-morning hours of Jan. 26. At one point, she was seated next to Lohan, and recalled putting the mink in a common bin with other jackets.It was gone when she prepared to leave 1Oak after an hour, Markova said.
Two weeks later, Markova flipped through the Feb. 11 edition of OK! Magazine and couldn't believe her eyes - Lohan was photographed the night of Jan. 26 wearing the very same fur coat.
The pretty co-ed said that in the ensuing days, she surfed the Internet and found several paparazzi photos of Lohan wearing the distinctive blond coat hours after the birthday party they had both attended. Also, celebrity blogs posted pictures of the actress party-hopping that night - wearing a black coat before she arrived at 1Oak, Markova said.
Club owners vowed to get to the bottom of it, but several days passed with no call back, Markova said. That's when her immigration lawyer, Merrill Cohen, called Lohan's high-powered Hollywood attorney, Blair Berk, threatening litigation. Hours later, Markova said she heard from 1Oak.
"They were very discreet, never mentioned a name or even the word 'coat,' " Markova said. "They just said, 'We're going to bring you something.' "
The coat arrived at Markova's Morningside Heights apartment two days later. Reeking of cigarettes and booze with a slight tear in the lining, the fur coat was no worse for wear after a dry cleaning and quick patch-up.
Markova and her lawyer stopped short of accusing Lohan of wrongdoing. But they still want her to pay at least $10,000 for the unauthorized, three-week rental. Lohan's spokeswoman did not return calls.
Thanks to the sharp nose of Scooby Doo the trail of stale Marlboro reds and spilled Grey Goose led Masha right to the perp. And she would have gotten away with it too, if if weren't for your pesky immigration lawyer! And the unmatched sleuthery of the Harlem Globetrotters. more »
Poor Nicole Richie is damned if she do and damned if she don't. If she goes out and parties, people say she's a bad mother. But if she stays home, succubi hone in on her tattooed baby daddy, Joel Madden. Freckled succubi. Freckled succubi with flames shooting out of their crotches. Star has the story:
While Nicole Richie was home caring for her baby, her fiancé Joel Madden spent a boozy night partying with Lindsay Lohan. Needless to say, Nicole was crushed. The trouble started for the new mom after she decided to stay home with their 4-month-old daughter, Harlow, while Joel deejayed at Hornitos’ Cinco de Mayo party at Crown Bar in L.A. However, while there, the Good Charlotte rocker seemed more interested in a seductive Lindsay than in spinning records.
“Their heads were practically touching, and he had his leg over hers,” says one onlooker. “Joel has a flirtatious side, and he definitely wasn’t turning her away.” Nicole was immediately alerted to the situation by her arch-frenemy Paris Hilton, who sent her a devastating text message: Lindsay was all over Joel!
Making the situation worse, Nicole frantically tried to call Joel, but he wasn’t answering his phone. “He was so zeroed in on Lindsay, he never heard his cell ring,” a friend of the couple tells Star. “Nicole felt so incredibly helpless and upset that she threw her phone against the wall in a rage.”
When it comes to your boyfriend flirting with other girls at a club, sometimes you can just shrug it off, and sometimes it's a dealbreaker. It's like the dude is your bologna sandwich, and him talking to other girls is the 5 second rule. It falls on the ground, you shrug, make sure no one's looking, and pick it back up and eat it. But him touching Lindsay Lohan is like your sandwich falling into a puddle of diarrhea mixed with leeches. You just gotta cut your losses and move on. more »
Lindsay Lohan is not having a good week, despite launching her range, as the Brits say, of totally awesome, hot, sexy, fashionable leggings. First off, she's fighting with her clam slammer, reports Page Six:
YOU'D think Lindsay Lohan would be used to all the drama by now. But she was crying her eyes out the other night at the Crown Bar in West Hollywood, upset over a fight she had with her girlfriend Sam Ronson, who was deejaying. "They had a full-blown fight," said our spy. "Evan Ross, Diana's son, and Lauren Conrad comforted her while Lindsay kept wiping her tears."
We think we're beginning to admire Sam Ronson. She seems like she doesn't take any shit from anyone, she always has a really sour look on her face, and we're guessing that when Lindsay is at her most annoyingly self-indulgent Sam barks, "Bitch, STFU or I won't lick your pussy tonight." And we're also guessing that's the only thing that could ever make Lindsay shape up. Maybe Linds should employ Sam as her manager instead of Dina. We bet nobody would dare fire Lindsay if Sam were in charge, but when Mommy's pulling the strings, this happens (via Yeeeah!):
Patriot Pictures tells E! News that Lohan is no longer a part of “Ye Olde Times,” a rom-com in the world of Renaissance Faire. “We have just decided to go our separate ways. We currently have an offer out to another actor.” [Patriot Pictures] would not say whether Lohan was being replaced for insurance, scheduling reasons or for her reputation for being difficult on set.
Was Lindsay insisting on making the costumes too? "People at Ren Faires wear leggings; I make leggings. It'll be genius." Because those things Lindsay is substituting for pants are definitely grounds for dismissal.
Lindsay Lohan just can't catch a break. No one in Hollywood wants to work with her. They're probably worried that she'll steal all their shit. Nikki Finke reports:
Lohan has been un-attached from the independent feature The Manson Girls, written and to be directed by Matthew Bright, and produced by Elie Samaha, Donald Kushner, and Brad Wyman through Junction Films. Production was slated to commence in early July for five weeks in Los Angeles, and everybody was pleased that Lohan was attached back in March. (Some may, or may not, view this true life crime film for her as hitting bottom. Lindsay was to play the part of Nancy Pitman, a pampered surfer girl who became enthralled with Charlie Manson.) But people associated with the movie told agents that Lohan quickly became more of a deficit than an asset when they discovered that they couldn’t find any name actresses who wanted to co-star with her. (And even some name actors...) So now Lindsay is off the pic -- but not for the excuses being circulated. Let this be a lesson... Behaving badly may get you on the covers of celebrity-obsessed mags and tabloids. But Hollywood won't tolerate your shit and shouldn't.
Wait. Lindsay Lohan isn't qualified to play the part of a drugged-out young girl with an unhappy home life who has really, really bad taste in men? They do know we're talking about Lindsay Lohan, right, and not Lindsay Wagner? Do the producers really have that little faith in the remains of Lindsay's once-promising acting abilities? Did that many people actually see I Know Who Killed Me? more »
• Megan Fox takes "next Angelina Jolie" title literally, gets lipplants. (ONTD)
• Elisha Cuthbert stalks the sandy landscape in a bikini; cuddles muscular male; gets handsy with own buttocks. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's wedding photos will be in People. And they talk about being "soul mates". Even though they've known each other for six weeks. (Celebitchy)
• What mysterious pull do these Maddens have? Lindsay Lohan was busted trying to pick up Joel (that's Nicole Richie's Madden, not Paris Hilton's Madden) at a club the other night. There's not enough Maddens to go around. (Yeeeah!)
• Angelina Jolie is reportedly going to have twin girls. They'll have their mother's looks and their father's . . . looks. They can't go wrong! (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Amy Winehouse is slowly devolving from soulful songstress to drunken party girl to crackhead to missing link to ape. Photographic evidence exists. (Holy Taco)
• In other Lohan news, she's still stealing clothing from her friends. Because when girls' daddies don't love them, the fill up their hearts with pilfered fur. (The Blemish)
• Blake Lively may play a high schooler on Gossip Girl, but that rack is alllll freshman year at a state U, baby. (Fatback)
• Post-birth, Halle has some Berry nice cleavage. We knew our childhood obsession with Strawberry Shortcake speak would come in handy some day! (Flisted)
Lindsay Lohan’s possible involvement with “Ugly Betty” has been rumored for months, and now the beleaguered actress is finally onboard with the show, and even made her first appearance on set on May 3.
“She really, really needs this to go well,” said one industry source who has worked with Lohan in the past. “For the longest time she’s been getting terrible advice — that’s been obvious for quite some time. This is the first good decision she’s made from an acting standpoint since ‘Georgia Rules,’” according to the source.
So far, Lohan is off to a good start. Us Weekly reports that Lohan “arrived on set 45 minutes early,” and she and the show’s star, America Ferrera, “really hit it off.”
Whether this is a sign of a permanent professional upswing for Lohan remains to be seen, but the source, who worked with Lohan prior to her rehab stints, thinks anything is possible. “Look what Robert Downey Jr. has done with his career. He was in much worse shape than Lindsay, and look what he did. She just needs to keep making good choices.”
We sure hope that Lindsay's Ugly Betty appearance marks the one and only instance of her using Britney as a mentor in turning her life around. Because, while it's worked pretty well for Britney, we think that if Lindsay were to put her entire life in the hands of her father, there would be much different results. Results like Lindsay providing Us with a weekly photo diary and taking up residence in the guest bedroom of either Rush or Molloy.
Did you forget that Lindsay Lohan is supposedly a lesbian? Yeah, we did too. It's kind of like the last time Julia Roberts was pregnant, we forgot until the kid was crowning, only this time our memory will only really, permanently be jogged when we see Linds with her tongue exploring another lady's infant chute. We don't think we'd soon forget that image. But apparently we're not the only one who needs reminding that Lindsay likes to dine on DJ Sam's clam, as Page Six reports:
Lindsay Lohan gets feisty when it comes to gal pal Sam Ronson. The two spent the weekend partying at the Beatrice Inn on Friday and Hawaiian Tropic Zone on Saturday, where Ronson was spinning, but Lohan didn't like all the attention Ronson was getting. "Ashley Olsen said hello to Sam at the Beatrice, and Lindsay screamed at her, 'Get your 15-year-old 'Full House' a - - away from my girlfriend,' " said our spy. Saturday, Lohan said Ronson "was ignoring her" and became upset. "Samantha was really focused on her work and didn't leave the booth for anything," said our spy. Lindsay is so into her pal, she's even created a Facebook profile under "Lindsay Ronson."
We don't mean to be nitpicky or anything, but Ashley Olsen is actually about two and half weeks OLDER than Lindsay, so suck on that, Lindy Loho. Who's laughing now, huh? Is it you, little itty bitty baby, or is it your older, wiser, trollier nemesis? We're thinking it's Ashley. She did make about elevnty billion dollars when she was like four and never has to work again if she doesn't want to, while Lindsay will soon enough be begging for a part in Femalien III: Femalien Meets Shemalien.
Oh, and surprise, surprise, Linds has welcomed a dear old friend back into her bosom. A dear old friend named vodka. more »
After Lindsay Lohan was released from rehab that one time, she was seen somewhere in the vicinity of her father, Michael, a few times, she in her leggings, he in his turtleneck. But since then we don't think the father and daughter have so much as shared air in the same state. Yet Michael is constantly calling up Ben Widdcombe or some such, bragging about all the great projects he has lined up and how Lindsay is "so excited" to help him in his endeavors. Yet in reality, we're guessing that Linds doesn't even remember her dad's first name. "I think it's Mitchell or something. He was in jail once. I know that." Still, In Touch and other "news sources" buy into his E.B. White-level fairy tales of his perfect daddy-daughter relationship (with the marketable one, of course; that other girl was ceded to Dina years ago). Actually, E.B. White was far more believable. We saw a talking pig at McDonald's this morning when we were picking up our McGriddle. Says the mag:
Lindsay Lohan may soon be volunteering her time — and it’s not part of her parole. According to Lindsay’s dad, the recovering party girl has signed up to do missionary work with Times Square Church Missions. “She has made it clear she definitely wants to come along,” Michael Lohan tells In Touch of their plans. “Our trip next February encompasses the issue of child sexual slavery in India. We also deal with helping AIDS victims.” Michael, an ex-con-turned-youth minister, says that Lindsay, 21, is also considering other international missions. “Lindsay’s very spiritual. She has a wonderful heart, loves people and is very charitable,” Michael tells In Touch.
LINDSAY LOHAN has laughed off her father MICHAEL's claims she is planning to work as a missionary in India.
Born again-Christian Michael told a U.S. tabloid the star was eager to join him on a trip to the country next February (09) with New York's Times Square Church Missions.
He said, "Our trip encompasses the issue of child sexual slavery in India. We also deal with helping AIDS victims. She (Lindsay) has made it clear she definitely wants to come along."
But Lohan Jr. has shot down the claims, with her representative telling the New York Daily News, "Per Lindsay, this isn't true."
Or, in Lindsay's words: "Missionary? Oh, no no no. I'm reverse cowgirl all the way."
Rupert Grint has claimed it is best to avoid female stars like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.
The Harry Potter actor revealed that he met Lohan last year in America and that she bored him by talking about herself all the time.
Grint added that he didn't want to meet Hilton because she was the sort of girl you should "stay away from".
He told The Sun: "I met Lindsay last summer and she talked about herself a lot.
"She said she was going to win an Oscar before she turns 25. I just kept thinking, 'But you can’t act'.
"I haven’t met Paris and don’t want to either. She and Lindsay are the type of girls you need to stay away from."
We think the wee-est Weasley boy makes a good point. Look at the people who have come into contact with Paris and Lindsay. Britney Spears lost her goddamn mind after about three days with Paris. Kim Kardashian will never again be able to enter a public bathroom without someone assuming she's there to take the place of the toilet. And Lindsay's poor little sister Ali is probably about four months away from being sold outright to Hugh Hefner or Joe Francis, whoever gives Dina the highest bid. Rupert's better off hanging out with a dude who gets boners from horses.
There are quite a few things we don't understand about Lindsay Lohan. At the top of the list is why she insists on remaining blonde when it looks terrible on her and she was so gorgeous as a redhead. Also, why will she only get naked for free (or close to it, by celeb standards)? If we had Lindsay's rack and people were willing to shell out millions to see it we wouldn't go flaunting it for free in New York magazine. Especially when her "disgusting" and "poor" net worth has all but dried up. Also, we wouldn't play a clothed stripper for (we assume) a decent paycheck and then go topless for next to nothing. Oh and also, we would wear some pants once in a while. Star magazine reports (via Celebitchy):
Star Magazine has learned exclusively that the 21-year-old will get naked again to play a nymphomaniac waitress in the indie film Florence. And she’s getting paid only $75,000 for her part - just 1 percent of the whopping $7.5 million she earned for Just My Luck! “Lindsay doesn’t care that she’s getting paid peanuts,” an insider tells Star “She just wants to remind people that she can act and she’s worth hiring.” The role requires her to take off only her top for a lust sex scene, but the source says Lindsay… volunteered to do more. “She said it would be no problem to go Full Monty.”
We're excited to see those funbags in motion and all, but what's wrong with this girl? Isn't booze supposed to make you more likely to constantly take your shirt off? Is it possible that the drink and drugs actually gave her inhibitions that sobriety has freed? Does her willingness to flash bald beav in addition to boobs mean that she'll be starring in an erotic thriller opposite Eric Roberts by 2010? more »
We're pretty sure that the offers aren't pouring in for Lindsay Lohan at the moment, but it seems that she's not even trying to regain any sort of career. She's accepting low-ball offers and totally f'ing up her music "comeback." (We're pretty sure you have to have some sort of a successful music career to make a comeback, but whatever.) The New York Daily News claims that Lindsay has much more important things to do than meeting with producers. Like waxing. And dying her hair every eight days.
Universal Motown execs are keeping fingers crossed that Lindsay Lohan's new album can be released on time later this year. An insider tells us the volatile young star isn't being overly cooperative with scheduling and has already canceled important meetings with superproducer Timbaland.
"Universal is trying to make her new album a success by lining up great producing talents, and, recently, they even hooked Timbaland. But Lindsay has canceled their planned meetings twice," says the snitch.
Lohan's rep denied that Lindsay had missed meetings, and said that Timbaland had yet to be approached to collaborate on the album.
However, it appears that after a rocky start, singer-songwriter Ne-Yo is still on board. The source said Lindsay had rejected some initial tracks from the star-maker, who has created hits for Rihanna, Usher and Celine Dion. But he is still in talks to work with the rehabbed pop star, and staffers hope that one song will make the cut.
In addition, Linds has agreed to a movie role for the paltry sum of $75,000. According to PR Inside:
LINDSAY LOHAN has reportedly signed to strip naked and play a sex-addicted waitress in a new movie called FLORENCE.
Just days after agreeing to portray a member of Charles Manson’s real-life murderous cult in The Manson Girls, Lohan has sealed a deal to star in another controversial movie.
Star magazine claims the 21-year-old will be paid just $75,000 (£37,500) for the opportunity to play the edgy character.
A source tells the magazine, "She just wants to remind people she can act and she’s worth hiring."
Yeah, we know that to you $75,000 is probably at least three times your annual salary, but we're talking about Lindsay Lohan here. That probably won't even cover the cost of a year's supply of leggings. more »
When it comes to Lindsay Lohan's cinematic endeavors, we prefer to think of her as precocious, freckle-faced twins or a huge-knockered plastic rather than a slutty, belligerent teen or a paranoid stripper. It helps to disassociate Lindsay's film roles from her chaotic personal life. But we're beginning to think that she's choosing roles based on their proximity to her real-life self. She may never again be able to identify with the wide-eyed innocent of her early career, so why not play a cult member? Sounds splendid. According to E! News:
Lindsay Lohan is following up her crazy year by joining a cult—in a new movie role, that is.
E! News has learned exclusively that Lindsay Lohan has signed on to star as Nancy Pitman, once a loyal member of Charles Manson's not-so-merry band, in the movie Manson Girls.
The film's producer, Brad Wyman of Junction Films, confirmed the casting coup.
"Yes, I am doing it with Lindsay," he tells E! News.
A source familiar with the deal says that despite the fact that Lohan has had some recent brushes with the law and just completed rehab, "the production company is insuring her for the film."
As E! News first reported, before shooting Manson Girls Lohan will shoot the offbeat comedy Ye Olde Times with Jack Black and David Arquette this spring. That film is due out in 2009.
Pitman grew up in wealthy household in Malibu, and at 16 she was introduced to Manson by a friend, according to published reports. She fell under his spell, moving in with him and becoming one of his most ardent followers. She was home with Manson on the night he dispatched members of his "Family" to the former home of ex-business associate Terry Melcher, where they ended up brutally killing actress Sharon Tate and four others.
Pitman, aka Brenda McCann, later became involved with the Aryan Brotherhood and served 18 months in prison after being convicted of being an accessory after the fact to murder. She later married one of her coconspirators, divorced and moved to Oregon with her two children.
This news made us wonder who would nab the coveted role of Charles Manson himself until we happened upon this photo: