filed under: Leslie Sloane Zelnick

Riley Giles's ass has not yet stopped smarting from Lindsay Lohan's Louboutin-clad foot, and she's already found herself a new man. And he comes from a land Down Under. According to various Australian and American reports, newly single Heath Ledger smiled and gave Lindsay his vegemite sandwich. A source told Australia's New Weekly magazine that the pair hooked up over Thanksgiving weekend, and Lindsay got her goose stuffed but good:

"Lindsay and Heath hit it off straight away. When she left the club she started texting him straight away and they hooked up a few times while she was still in New York. They were meeting late at night for sex. It was purely physical."

When asked about the pairing, Lindsay's much put-upon publicist, the silver-tongued Leslie Sloane Zelnick, outdid even her former "haters" quote, and said:

"This is gross. She and Heath are friends."

Notice she didn't deny the hookup. She just let us know that the the couple knows each other, and that it is gross. Imagine Lindsay and Heath in bed, limbs entwined, her Camel Light breath hot on his neck, her Mystic Tan streaked over Heath's groin, as she paws his topknot in ecstasy. "Gross" doesn't even begin to cover it, sister.

It's been a long two months with Lohan tucked away in rehab. Luckily, we've had Britney to shovel meth-tinged scoops of skanky concrete in the trainwreck-hole inside our souls. But hold up, could Lindsay possibly not be making the promised strides in rehab? Instead of enjoying sober fun with her fellow addicts, playing Old Maid and seeing how many Saltines they can stuff in their mouths and still whistle, could Lindsay possibly still be getting faced on booze and powders? According to Star, yes:

An insider says she tested positive for cocaine! “She admitted that it wasn’t the first time she had done it while at Cirque,” an insider reveals. “No one can figure out who’s slipping it to her.”

Another source… claims Lindsay “gets a buzz” by combining the diet pill Fastin with the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. “I’ll think she’ll take whatever pills they allow her,” says the source. “It’s obvious to me she’s high, because she acts loopy and can’t seem to walk in a straight line!”

“She had a friend of hers sneak vodka in an Aquafina bottle into one of the AA meetings she goes to,” the insider says. “She smells like booze, and the staff does nothing about it. When they’re not around, she tells people she’ll drink as much as she damn well pleases.”

When asked about the alleged drug use, Lindsay's silvertongued publicist, our idol, Leslie Sloane Zelnick, said in her inimitable way:

“This story is the result of haters and people not wanting Lindsay to succeed.”

Sloane Zelnick then said, "You don't even know me, man! Y'all don't know me! Y'all haters! Jealous-ass h8rs, dog. Let the haters hate and the players play, knowwhatimsayin? WORD," flashed her grille in a sneer, and gave us all the finger. more »

Like a prodigal daughter, Lindsay Lohan has returned to the warm, nurturing bosom of Partying, her most cherished and only reliable parent, jetting to Las Vegas this weekend to spend the wee hours dancing down at Pure. You, like the rest of us, are cynical buttholes and probably just immediately rolled your eyes and made the "drinky-drinky" motion with your hand but guess what? Ho is wearing an alcohol monitoring ankle bracelet (just like Michelle Rodriguez and Tracy Morgan!) and was seen drinking nothing but Red Bull all night. We don't need to point out that alcohol monitoring ankle bracelets don't detect anything other than alcohol, though, and instead of her usual band of merry hipster doofuses and A-listers with whom she parties, Lohan was seen in the company of various sundry Pussycat Dolls and she left the club with Criss Angel. Far be it from us to suggest that one would have to be all zorked out on eightballs to party with J-list female impersonators and bang a magician, but hey. Maybe Angel promised he could make her ankle bracelet . . . dissssappppear!



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Now that Britney Spears has lost such devoted pals as Paris Hilton and random slutty girl at club, she's had to seek out a new BFF in the strangest of places--the paparazzi. She and X17 are tight now; they are so going to get mani/pedis together and then hang out at Brit's house with take-out sushi and watch Grey's Anatomy. They'll probably get in a fight over who's hotter, Dr. McDreamy or Dr. McSteamy, but then after they have a lingerie fashion show with Sean P and JJ for an audience (if she can remember where they are) they'll put aside their differences and concede that both Dr. McDreamy and Dr. McSteamy are pretty damn hot.

Oh, and according to Page Six Brit has re-hired her old publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnick. There is no mess that LSZ can't clean up. She's like the Mr. Clean of celebrity image control. more »

Lindsay Lohan has officially backed out of her upcoming movie, the Oscar Wilde adaptation A Woman of No Importance, starring Annette Bening. According to Lohan's publicist/our personal Jehovah Leslie Sloane Zelnick, Lindsay needs to take some time off to focus on staying sober, and has "decided not to push herself." Because GOD KNOWS that when you're a young and wealthy person trying your damndest to stay dry in Hollywood, early hours on the set of a period film costarring sixty-somethings is the greatest threat to your newly-minted sobriety. more »

At long last, Lindsay Lohan has finally put down the Aquafina bottle filled with Stoli and the white-dusted pocket mirror long enough to check her freckled ass into rehab. While various sundry nightcrawlers, club owners, MisShapes and Motherfuckers claw at their glad rags, screaming, "What now?" to the heavens, Lindsay released this statement via Leslie Sloane Zelnick:

"I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time."

Cheers to Ms. Zelnick for either constructing a simple, precise statement on her own or, more likely, whittling a rambling, 800-word, Blackberry-penned 4:30 A.M. note from Lindsay into a clear, concise, fully adequite statement. more »

Lindsay Lohan was rushed to the hospital yesterday for an emergency appendectomy. We're guessing Lindz got a little bored with creating fake MySpace accounts to leave pussy pictures on Britney Spears's page and landed on WebMD, where she read that after having your appendix removed you're restricted to an all-liquid diet. We don't think that Lindsay's doctor will appreciate her supplying her own Ketel One-filled IV though. more »

Britney Spears has realized that there can only be one fat diva in town and she's not quite committed enough to outweigh Aretha Franklin and has abandoned her pop career for a new calling: celebrity publicist. Specifically, her own. Brit has fired flack Leslie Sloane Zelnick (or Sloan Zelnik or Sloane-Zelnik or . . . hey, celebs, help us out; we can spell Grubman.) in favor of handling her own publicity. Which isn't as horrific a move as one would think, considering Zelnick's track record with number-one client Lindsay Lohan. more »