filed under: Larry Birkhead

At a recent auction of the late Anna Nicole Smith's things, her former boyfriend and inseminator Larry Birkhead shelled out $3000 for her lingerie--a pink bustier and white negligee ANS wore for a Playboy shoot. No, he's not into transvestism (though the highlights make us wonder)--he was buying them for their baby girl, Dannielynn. Of course! Larry explained:

"I have a lot of history I have to put together that she doesn't really know about. Playboy was such a big part of Anna's career. You know, it's not something I can show today, but something down the road. It's not going to be in any bedtime stories anytime soon."

Oh, but when it does, what a glorious fairy tale it will make! "Once upon a time there lived a little girl named Vickie Lynn. Vickie wanted to get away from the evil troll with a crustache so she planted magic beans in her chest and danced around an enchanted pole at a castle called Jaguars. Then she met a wizened king named J. Howard Marshall who took Vickie Lynn and gave her diamonds and rubies and beautiful gowns. But then he died and she met a bad monster named Howard who wanted to take all her rubies and diamonds and gowns. After traveling to the land of Trimspa, Vickie's son, Prince Danny, died fighting a dragon named Methadone. And then Vickie went to sleep for a very, very long time. Oh, and here are her panties." more »

• Paris Hilton enjoys fishing. And fish enjoy the familiar, down-home smell of Paris Hilton's bacterial vaginosis. OK, that was pretty gross. Sorry, Paris. (FemaleFirst)

• And speaking of Paris's vagina, she will be rubbing hers up against the lesbian thespians of The L Word. (The Superficial)

• The results are in: Heath Ledger's death was caused by "accidental overdose" of SIX different types of prescription drugs. (TMZ)

• Godspeed to you, Patrick Swayze! May your gut convalesce so that you may arabesque again. (IMDb)

• Cammy Diaz gots some pegs, boy, I tells ya. (Cityrag)

• Larry Birkhead take$ Dannilynn to vi$it her mother'$ grave$ite. (Celebitchy)

• Bike shorts and what appears to be a Lamborghini Countache: no, it's not 1987; it's the new Bebe ads featuring Eva Longoria! (PopCrunch)

• Bar Rafaeli: professional wearer of lingerie, schtupper of DiCaprio, sporter of labia-splitting bikini camel toe. (Derek Hail)

• J. Lo is definitely having twins. And we are definitely having another cruller. Yum, jelly. (Evil Beet)

• Kim Kardashian sued by ex-boyfriend's mom. Oh, what a tangled web. (The Blemish)

• Rihanna launches her own umbrella line. What if her hit song had been called "Colostomy Bag"? Guess you can't really stand under one of those, though. Or can you? (Daily Stab)

Remember how much you hated Kevin Federline when Britney first started humping him? You wanted to wrap one of his corn rows around the trailer hitch on you pickup truck and drag him through a parking lot full of shattered Mickey's bottles, remember? Well, that bad decision may seem inspired if Larry Birkhead gets his very special Christmas wish. According to In Touch Weekly:

They'd either be a match made in heaven or the biggest disaster since the Titanic, but according to an insider, Larry Birkhead has a crush on Britney Spears. "I think Britney is sexy," he tells In Touch. The insider says, "Larry has a thing for vulnerable blondes - and no one seems more vulnerable than Britney these days," adding that Larry finds being a single dad challenging, and is looking to date a single woman with children.

We haven't seen the final copy of the In Touch interview yet, but we hear that Larry went on to declare that liver and onions are delicious, dog poop smells really good, and Angelina Jolie is a disgusting piece of trash that would never, ever like to stick his penis into.

Late last week we were made giddy by the prospect of Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern (that asshole) being in cahoots. We thought that by this point in the whole Anna Nicole saga there couldn't be any more surprises, that we could see every impossible twist coming. But holy shit were we wrong. We should have been able to say, "Of course Larry and Howie were stuffing Anna's maw full of pills then stuffing their own maws full of each other's penises." We should have seen it coming. Well, next time we'll be ready. When the zombiefied body of Anna Nicole comes back to reclaim Dannielynn and all her money, we'll be expecting that one.

Totally gaytastic drawing of Larry and Howard via Pretty on the Outside. more »

There is almost nothing we love more than a juicy Hollywood conspiracy. RFK actually killed Marilyn Monroe? Sweet. Catherine Zeta-Jones is really 82 years old and being kept alive by hourly pigeon-shit injections? We'd believe it. But the best one of all may be the possibility that Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern have been in cahoots the entire time! Cahoots! Outrageous! The New York Daily News reports:

An angry Larry Birkhead has vowed to sue author Rita Cosby, days before an explosive tell-all is set to hit bookstores. In "Blonde Ambition," Cosby charts the convoluted custody battle between Birkhead and lawyer Howard K. Stern, who both claimed paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's baby girl, Dannielynn. And while Cosby has not released details of the book before its Sept. 4 publication, it is believed she will allege Birkhead and Stern were secretly in collusion over the child. Dannielynn, who turns 1 on Sept. 7, could inherit hundreds of millions from the estate of Smith's late husband, J. Howard Marshall. "None of it is true," Birkhead told The News' Jo Piazza yesterday. "I'm gonna sue Rita Cosby for it." In March, Birkhead acrimoniously split with his attorney Debra Opri. She later sued for allegedly unpaid fees, though Birkhead insists it is she who owes him money. Birkhead said he believes Opri was the source of documents Cosby obtained, "so I am going to be suing both Debra and Rita Cosby. The bottom line is Rita Cosby needed something to do. She got fired [from MSNBC in 2006], and nobody wanted her." Meanwhile, OK! magazine severed ties with Birkhead over the Cosby allegations. The weekly was to have featured coverage of Dannielynn's first birthday as the final part of a $1.7 million access deal. Editor Sarah Ivens said: "It breaks my heart that OK! has to pull out of [the] shoot ... but first and foremost, we care dearly about the well-being of the young one, and my moral obligation lies with her.... My biggest fear is that Larry and Howard may have tricked us all."

This makes us so giddy that we can't even think of a joke. And since Larry Birkhead and (especially) Howard K. Stern (that asshole) are jokes themselves, we think the story stands. We just have one question: If they were in it together all along, trying to create as much publicity buzz as possible to get Extra and OK! and whatnot to hand over piles of cash, why couldn't they have taken it even farther? Would it have killed them to gift us with a Jell-O wrestling match?

• Paula Abdul has a new contorted face! Look into her stretched eyes! Oh oh! She's been tellin' lies! (Yeeeah!)

• Larry Birkhead thinks Dannielynn has her mom's pouty lips, long legs and chubby toes. Jury's out on who she takes after in the implant and veneer department, though. (I'm Not Obsessed)

• Britney stormed out of a photo shoot in a huff, never to return. Turns out they only had honey BBQ pretzel bites, not the buffalo ranch. (Daily Stab)

• German magician attempts to make Pam Anderson's breast ooze its way out of her bathing suit. (Hollywood Tuna)

• You know David Hasselhoff's ex-wife must be insanely f'ed up, because he got sole custody of the kids. Yaaaay, it's cheeseburger night! (Star Herpes)

• An odd fashion choice, even for Ashley Olsen. Perhaps she has joined a harem and is planning on seducing the sheik with her mysterious, semi-sheer, snakelike undulations. (Drunken Stepfather)

• How Jessica Simpson lost the baby Mayer weight. (IMDb.com)

• Here are some surprisingly hot pictures of Lindsay Lohan taken by Bryan Adams. Because when you want to sex up your image, where else to turn than a pockmarked Canadian adult contemporary artist? It makes perfect sense. (Egotastic!)

• Cameron Diaz has tiny nipples atop her tiny breasts underneath a tiny shirt. No tiny bra in sight. (Drunken Stepfather

• Jennifer Garner may have allowed Ben Affleck to ejaculate into her vaginal canal during ovulation again. (FemaleFirst)

• Angelina got more ass between juice breaks in kindergarten than you're getting now. (Bricks and Stones)

• Victoria Beckham is aging like a fine wine--kinda sourly. (Hollywood Tuna)

• The Lohan says that she is the protector of the family. She protects them by horfing rails. (A Socialite's Life)

• The people of India are angry at Richard Gere after he kissed Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty in public. Hey, they were lucky he didn't greet her by pantsing her and cramming a shaved hamster up her can. (IMDb)

• Jessica Alba, caught making out with a real dog. (MollyGood)

• Sabrina the Teenage Ass Crack. (Taxi Driver)

• Heather Mills fall down go boom! (Yeeeah!)

• John Travolta equates his level of fame to that of Marilyn Monroe and Elvis. Um, try Marilu Henner or John Ratzenberger. (The Blemish)

• Paris is scared that jail time will ruin her career. Her career consists of showing up to parties thrown by beverage companies, so we're pretty sure she'll be fine. (IDontLikeYouInThatWay)

• Larry Birkhead cuddles his $weet little $ugarpie. (TMZ)

We have bitten our fingernails to bloody nubs, pulled out every last strand of hair, and ground our teeth down to meth-addict stumps in anticipation, but, alas, the Bahamas do not play by our rules of time and work and order. Sure, we were supposed to find out if Larry Birkhead's sperm penetrated one of Anna Nicole Smith's eggs a few hours ago, but the judge had to go smoke a doob or sacrifice a goat or whatever it is that people do in the Bahamas, so we don't know shit. If everyone involved can leave their grass huts and stop sipping Bacardi long enough to show up in court we'll know the answer sometime after 2:30 Eastern. So until then, bask in Candy Spelling's wise words of advice to Larry Birkhead:

1) The hair, Larry: Most of the time, your hair looks great, and I'm sure you spend a lot of time getting it right. Just be warned that you might look good every day for a month. But the one day you leave in a hurry and don't pay enough attention, or you get a little wild with an untested new style -- photos will be taken that will haunt you forever.

The rest of Candy's sage words can be found at TMZ, and, no, there is nothing in there about how much time you will save by having an entire room filled with wrapping paper, silk ribbons, and pastel-colored crepe paper.

UPDATE: And it's the shocker of the century as Larry Birkhead is revealed as Dannielynn's father. The whole Anna Nicole saga with the drugs and the death and the mystery and the money has been so convoluted and so full of twists that we half expected a talking kangaroo named Jimbo to emerge at the last minute as the true father. We're kind of disappointed, actually.

We don't have it in our hearts and minds and spirits to look deep inside ourselves and come up with fresh Anna Nicole Smith material, so this is just a little post-it note to let you know that tomorrow, at long, long last, the mouth swabs will be tallied Montel-style and baby Dannielynn's sirer will be revealed. Howard K. Stern (asshole) tells TMZ that if Larry Birkhead is found to be the father, Howard will not fight for custody of the beleaguered tot. Great. Thanks for that, big guy. If he did, it would be like the time that lady at the bus stop was eating a falafel but it fell on the ground so we picked it up and started eating it. And then the lady got really mad and said that it was her falafel and we said, no, no, we bought the falafel. A fight ensued and we launched into a bitter battle over the falafel. Forensics experts were brought in, and it went all the way to the Supreme Court. In the end, we were awarded custody of the falafel but by then it was riddled with mold. Actually, that story had very little to do with the custody hearing for Dannielynn, aside from the fact that both she and the falafel are deep-fried balls of crunchy chickpea goodness. Yum! more »

After all the legal wrangling, haggling, and scrabbling between Larry Birkhead, Virgie Arthur, and Howard K. Stern (that asshole), it has been decided that Anna Nicole Smith will finally be buried next to her son Daniel in the Bahamas tomorrow. IMDb.com reports:

Virgie Arthur challenged a ruling to bury Smith in Nassau, and her appeal was heard yesterday morning. But judges at Florida's Fourth District Court Of Appeals overruled Arthur's bid for custody of her daughter's remains late yesterday, re-awarding the corpse to attorney Richard Milstein, the legally-appointed guardian to Smith's baby daughter Dannielynn. Milstein, Smith's companion Howard K. Stern and her ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead had already agreed to bury the late model in the Bahamas, her adopted home.

"Awarding the corpse" is such a strange turn of phrase. "Yaaay! I won!!!" But we're just glad that Anna's wishes were taken into consideration and that her body will be laid to rest next to her son. This is not the first time that Anna Nicole's body has been laid, but it will certainly be the last. Zing! Oh, we hate ourselves. more »

Keeping up with Anna Nicole coverage has become, for us, a Sisyphean task. We feel like Beastmaster slowly sinking into quicksand, only we have no charming rodent cohorts to lend us a tree branch and pull us from the muck. So we're just going to pick one update and go with it today: this video of Anna getting groped and licked by her methadone-prescribing Dr. Nick, Sandeep Kapoor. Watch as Larry Birkhead stares stonily, while Howard K. Stern (asshole!) tries to intervene, and ANS shoos him away like he's a bothersome moth. Oh, Anna. If only she had heeded the words of Mφtley Crόe! He's not what you'd call a glamorous man! Dr. Feelgood might be the one that makes ya feel all right, but in the end, he's gonna be your Frankenstein! more »

As we speak, Howard K. Stern (that asshole) is in court, along with embattled probable babydaddy Larry Birkhead and Anna Nicole's estranged mother Virgie Arthur, so a judge can determine ANS's final resting place. It's a sobering time and a true tragedy when people can't even come together to decide where a poor deceased woman would want to be buried. It's depressing and tragic all around. We've spent the morning sadly shaking our heads, our eyes filling with salty--HEY! LOOK! HAHAHAHAHA! FUNNY CLOWNS!



more »

Another gentleman has run, gasping, to the current events forefront, brandishing a sweaty claim ticket for poor wee Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern--Anna Nicole's onetime bodyguard/TV chef, a burly chap named Alexander Denk. Behind the cut, an update on the baby's possible sirers, though at this point, we think they should all just move into a quirky New York City loft and raise the child together. They can have a cool art-car in the middle of the apartment and Dannielynn can date Giovanni Ribisi. more »

Sure, we definitely feel sad about the tragic death of Anna Nicole Smith. Will said sadness keep us from posting about this train wreck in a semi-humorous fashion? Nah. The conspiracy theories, drama, and rumors are multiplying like Gremlins in a hot tub, so here's a handy list of links to the highlights. Drugs! A love child! The mysterious and untimely deaths of a mother and son within five months of each other! Intrigue! Possible murder! Incest! A huge lump sum of money from a deceased horny octogenarian billionaire! Freakishly enormous fake breasts! The life and death of Anna Nicole Smith has a little bit of everything for a little bit of everyone. It's a story for the ages. Like Patch Adams!

• A source tells US that “Anna looked extremely bloated when she vomited out something white before having a seizure early this afternoon. The reaction was so violent that people in the hotel thought she had some tragic food poisoning. But we were told it was a drug overdose by the people who saw it.”

• The autopsy is underway as we speak, and authorities say that a "large amount" of prescription medication was removed from her hotel room as evidence. Please note that methadone can be considered as a prescription medication . . .

• HOWEVER, authorities also found illegal narcotics.

• Further sealing her fate, Anna may have pulled a Bon Scott.

• Alleged Dannielynn sirer Larry Birkhead has updated his personal site with a few verses about Anna. And, um . . . OK, this is embarrassing but the streaming Willie Nelson song kinda made us misty. A little. Maybe. Shut up.

• But he still wants that paternity test, and how!

• Anna's last moments, on tape, for all you snuff fans.

• The wife of Mr. Trimspa gets into a Larry King referee'ed tussle with Chyna over who was Anna's BFF 4-ever.

• Perhaps neither Larry nor Howard K. Stern is Dannielynn's real father. Perhaps the real father is Anna's deceased son, Daniel. Or maybe she impregnanted herself. Like a starfish. Or aphid.

• UPDATE: Or maybe the baby's daddy isn't Larry, Howard, or Daniel but . . . Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband?!

• UPDATE II: No, says Zsa Zsa's former rep, hubby is "a chronic fabricator who likes to inject himself into current events to see himself on television." Just like John Mark Karr!

• UPDATE III: Press conference! Officials say that not only were no illegal narcotics found in the room, there were none found in Anna's system. Toxicology reports will take three to five weeks. more »

There have been so many new developments in the Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy drama in the last 48 hours that we don't even know where to begin. At this point, the only way to get to the bottom of this is to round up ANS, Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, baby Dannilynn, and Richard Dean Anderson, put them on Maury, and do a paternity test and a drug test. Why Richard Dean Anderson, you ask? Eye candy, my friend. Eye candy. more »