filed under: Lance Armstrong

Today, Tour de France multi-winner Lance Armstrong is strapping his one nut into some spandex, hopping on his bike, and pedaling his way out of Kate Hudson's heart. The brief romance of Hudstrong is kaput. US mag reports:

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong called it quits this weekend after a three-month romance that went public when they were spotted in Austin, Texas in mid-May, Usmagazine.com exclusively reports.

"There was no drama or ugliness – They just decided to end things," a source close to the couple tells Us. "There is no hatred, just sadness."

There was no drama, just ending, and there was no hatred, just sadness, and, coincidentally, there was no Dana, only Zuul. That was weak, but we used up the one ball thing in the intro. Why don't YOU try to make a joke about these two dullards, smart guy.

A wise man named Michelle Rodriguez once said that a person's sex life is nobody else's business and that's why there are bathroom doors. Apparently, terminally perky Kate Hudson and her mono-nutted lover Lance Armstrong agree, as they fooled around in a stall at Cannes. Showbiz Spy says:

A witness spoke to Hudson in the bathroom at a Dolce & Gabbana event when Armstrong walked out of one of the cubicles. The source said: “I asked her what she was doing. Kate blushed and laughed - and then Lance walked out of a stall topless!”

Clearly Kate and Lance have no idea how sexual intercourse works. Generally, when you have but a few moments to get your respective "freaks" on, taking the man's shirt off is not the first order of business. more »

That Kate Hudson sure is a resilient sort. She's not one to let a little thing like the end of a relationship ruin her fun. No sir, there are plenty of other men around to occupy Kate's time. MSNBC reports:

Just days after the news of her split with Owen Wilson hit the headlines, Kate Hudson hit the town with Lance Armstrong. Recent public outings between the pair fueled fresh rumors of a rebound romance for the “Fool’s Gold” actress, and some reports suggest the match has been in the works for weeks.

On Friday night, the new duo dined at Austin’s Eddie V’s restaurant. “They came in and had dinner together, it's true,” an insider told People.

By Saturday, Kate and Lance were back for more at Hula Hut — this time accompanied by friends and the cyclist’s children, Luke, Isabelle and Grace. “They ordered dinner – tacos, burgers and fries and that sort of stuff,” a spywitness from the restaurant revealed. “They looked like they were having fun.”

Though the love match seemed to come out of nowhere, the Daily Mail reports it’s been brewing for some time. “Kate and Lance have been dating for a couple of weeks,” said a source. “She thought it was funny when people were writing recently that she was engaged to Owen because the reality was that they had split again and she was secretly seeing Lance.”

As it turns out, Owen unwittingly introduced his ex to her new best beau. “(Kate and Lance) have known each other for a while and Lance is one of Owen's good friends,” the source told the Daily Mail. “When Kate was with Owen, she got to know Lance really well but they hooked up again recently at a dinner party thrown by a mutual friend and that's when the romance began. They have both been keeping it very quiet.”

It seems like Lance is making a habit out of dating Owen’s exes. In 2003 the seven-time Tour de France winner started dating (and later proposed to) Sheryl Crow. Sheryl was Owen’s main squeeze back in 2002.

We're sure that Lance and Kate spied each other from across the room and recognized a kindred spirit, saying to themselves, "Finally, someone who knows the pain of listening to a million stories that begin with, 'So I was playing the bongos naked . . . '" Truly a love story for the ages. more »

Ah, Show and Tell. That landmark moment in kindergarten history that allows five-year-olds to attempt to outdo one another by dangling parent-bought trinkets in their classmates' faces. He who has the best Elmo wins, and the grand champion blue ribbon awesomest #1 winner of the Show and Tell race has got to be the young daughter of one-balled bike guy Lance Armstrong, who recently brought her dad's inamorata, Ashley Olsen, to school with her. Says Radar Online:

One of the part-eunuch biker's young daughters (he has twins) had the honor of taking a more realistic (though slightly less boobtastic) Barbie to her class for observation. Yes, daddy's lady love Ashley Olsen was recently shown and told about at the young girl's Texas school. "Celebrities do this all the time," the source said.

We can only imagine what kind of questions these adorable little moppets asked the one-time Full House star. She most likely had to go through her entire repertoire of tricks, impishly shouting "You got it, dude!" and "I'm sowwy, Uncle Jesse" before answering things like "Why do you brush your hair with a shoe?" and "You look like the man who lives under the underpass near my grandma's house" and "how come the roll-on body glitter from your makeup line turned my face into one big hive?"

Today we're going to play a little game. Take two seemingly single celebrities who have very little in common other than a love of shiny, shiny hair or blow or whatever and pretend that they're dating. We'll make up stories about where they went to dinner, which club they "canoodled" at, and there will be an anonymous tipster who saw them making out all night. Just call us Page Six. Couple number one will be Jennifer Aniston and Bobby Brown. They'll dine at Mr. Chow (Jen will pick up the check, obviously) then head over to Winston's to table dance with Britney Spears. Couple number two will be Joaquin Phoenix and Lauren Conrad. They'll dine at The Ivy and then just say fuck it and make out on a bus bench on Sunset. If we added super juicy quotes about how each couple was "so into each other" they "couldn't take their eyes off each other" and she was "sitting on his lap stroking his hair all night" would you believe it? What if we changed our logo to read New York Daily News and told you it wasn't actually these pairings who were seen on dates but rather Ashely Olsen and Lance Armstrong and Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson? Yeah, you probably still wouldn't believe us. more »

• Following her guest-starring role as lottery winner Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donell will be doing a spinoff series. A Dawn Budge spinoff but no Riding the Bus with My Sister spinoff? God, the injustice in this world.

• We can see right through Mischa Barton.

• And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

• Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

• Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

• Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

• Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

• Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

• Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

• The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.

We have just received the most devastating celebrity-couple news since the break-up of Brad and Jen: Our favorite (allegedly) gayer-than-Elton-John-swaddled-in-taffeta couple may have broken up. First we saw Matthew McConaughey kissing a random girl. Now we hear that Lance Armstrong was seen on a date with Paris Hilton. Has Lance Bass taught you nothing about how to be true to yourself and accept your societally shunned love? more »

Lance: So those are the things that we're supposed to get all hot in the crotch over? I just don't get it. Do you get it, Matt?
Matt: Nah, man. Let's stop wasting our time staring at a couple lumps of fat and go smoke some herb, put on our spandex, and run around the track for an hour while we smack each other's asses.
Lance: Sounds cool to me. more »