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filed under: Kimberly Stewart

July 03, 2008

Aniston Misses Jolie Fued, Starts Catfight with Kimbo Stewart

John Mayer has been known to stick his wick into some pretty strange places (Papa Joe knows what we're talking about), so maybe there's justification in Jennifer Aniston thinking that Kimberly Stewart can trick John into throwing her a bone. Maybe. According to The Mirror, Jen had Kim's ass booted from one of Johnboy's gigs:

When you're as unlucky in love as Jennifer Aniston, the last thing you want is some flirty young blonde chasing after your bloke.

So it's no wonder the Friends star sent Kimberly Stewart packing when she tried to sneak backstage at John Mayer's recent gig.

But it took dim Kim some time to get the message - she got kicked out TWICE.

John clearly has a bit of history with the model as all hell broke loose when clingy Jen spotted 28-year-old Kim backstage while John was warming up for Sunday's Hard Rock Calling gig in London's Hyde Park.

Ever the gent, John tried to defuse the situation by getting his security to boot out Kim.

And as the bouncers chased after Kim, Jen, 39, eyeballed her rival to warn her off John.

Our spy says: "Jennifer spotted Kimberly and asked John what she was doing there.

"John and Kim know each other from clubbing in LA, but Jennifer doesn't want anyone around who reminds her that he used to be a player.

"She has fallen head over heels for John, but she's scared it will all go wrong again.

"Another woman stole her man before when Angelina Jolie started dating Brad Pitt - she couldn't bear it to happen again."

But Kim wasn't giving up without a fight...

Ten minutes after being told to leave, she was on the side of the stage, waving at John and cheekily catching Jennifer's eye while she was taking photos of her fella.

We hear: "She had been told twice by security that she would be removed but she stood there bold as brass.

"Jennifer was on the opposite side of the stage and John felt like piggy-in-the-middle.

"He saw the tension and told his bouncers to get rid of her at all costs.

"Kim was pulled off the stage and escorted through the Hard Rock VIP tent with a face like thunder, shouting: 'Why doesn't he want me here? Is this because of her?' "She totally embarrassed herself, but Jen looked relieved."

Somehow we can't see these ladies being best Friends anytime soon...

We understand Jennifer Aniston's desire to not be in the same room as Kimberly Stewart, even if that room is filled with two thousand other people. Kim was once friends with Paris Hilton, so you never know what sort of toxins she emits into the air, and Jen likes to keep her lungs pure. But feeling threatened that Kim will steal her boyfriend? Obviously Jen was powerless to fight the force of Angelina Jolie, as she crushes all libidos in her wake and turns men to quivering puddles of jizz, but Kimbo Stewart? That's like being worried that Amy Winehouse is going to steal your refrigerator full of nutritious fruits and vegetables. more »

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May 20, 2008

Jude Law Searches for Lost Career Inside Kimbo Stewart's Mouth

We're getting a little bit sick of talking about the same ten people over and over again, so today we're going to take a trip in the Wayback Machine. We think we'll set it for 2005 and see what kind of mischief we can cause. Perhaps if we're lucky we'll be able to pair off two celebs from the past for our own wacky amusement. But we'll have to be careful not to accidentally set the machine for 1985; we wouldn't want to have to write about the hot new coupling of Mare Winningham and Judge Reinhold.

But thankfully our navigational instincts are spot on, as we've discovered the pairing of Jude Law and Kimbo Stewart. Our gossip Peabody, FemaleFirst, reports:

Jude Law has been spotted passionately kissing Kimberly Stewart.

The 'Alfie' actor spent Saturday night (17.05.08) with Rod Stewart's daughter at the One9Five Bar and Nightclub in Essex, South-east England.

One clubber said: "As I walked into the VIP area with my friends I spotted Kimberly getting really passionate with a good-looking guy. She comes in a lot because her dad Rod lives nearby.

"But when she finally pulled away, I could see it was actually Jude Law."

Jude, 35, and Kimberly, 28, arrived at Bar One9Five at around midnight, and began drinking Ł170 bottles of pink champagne.

One onlooker said: "It caused quite a stir when they walked in. They could barely keep their hands off each other."

After tiring of the bar, the couple went to the nearby One9Five Nightclub.

They drank two more bottles of champagne, and continued to canoodle, but tried their best not to be pictured together. A source said: "I tried to take some pictures of them, as I couldn't believe they were together. However, later in the night, one of his bodyguards came over and took the camera off me and passed it to Jude who deleted most of the snaps."

"Source" may have been shot down, but The Sun managed to snap a few shots, including one with Kimbo heartily grabbing Jude's (sadly understuffed) crotch. Perhaps Kimbo's rep (because you know she has one, despite the apparent absence of a career) will release a statement claiming that Kim was just conducting a bit of personal research. Because growing up with a daddy named Rod makes you abnormally fixate on other men's rods.

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July 18, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Benatard

• Hilary Duff knows that love is a battlefield and hell is for children; dons Benatar pants to prove it. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Bridget Moynahan is such a bitch, getting pregnant when she did so the baby's due date coincided with her then-boyfriend's future Brazilian supermodel girlfriend's birthday. How dare she? How dare she? (The Blemish)

• Kelly Clarkson snacks upon weed cookies. (Cityrag)

• Scary Spice is set to marry her new boyfriend, who has a "much bigger cock" than Eddie Murphy. Yeah, but IS he a much bigger cock than Eddie Murphy? Ho ho, we thought not. Wait, what? (Bossip)

• Being pregnant totally grossed out Jaime Pressly. Awesome, because her naming her son "Dezi" totally grossed us out. And now we're even. (Celebitchy)

• Dave Chappelle was hospitalized for "exhaustion". Because sitting on comically giant piles of money and not making any new shows really takes it out of a guy. (Bricks and Stones)

• Jon Lovitz wiped up a bar with Andy Dick's stupid face. We Lovitz! (Derek Hail)

• Winona Ryder blames shoplifting on drugs. Which would also explain her sexual coupling with Dave Pirner. (Celeb Warship)

• Kimberly Stewart's butt cheeks. That's right. Kimberly Stewart's butt cheeks. (Daily Stab)

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April 11, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: If Everyone Smoked Weed

• Kirsten Dunst is all, "Like, if the whole world smoked weed, man . . . there would be no wars and crime and stuff. You knowwww?" Oh man. Totally, dude. Seeeriously. (Yeeeah!)

• Selma Blair's boyfriend is rumored to be shopping for rings in preparation for popping the question. Which is better than swabbing your anal ring in preparation for pooping. OR IS IT???? (IMDb)

• Rachel McAdams and that Notebook guy are also going to get hitched. Mazel tov. (D Listed)

• Halle Berry bare-ys her berries (kinda) in Esquire. (Egotastic!)

• Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn: reunited? And it feels so . . . eeeuuughhhh. (Cityrag)

• Jordan gets her fetus pierced! (Faded Youth)

• FHM goes heaving on the smoothing tool in Photoshop, makes Kim Stewart look slightly less embarrassing. Young Turks be free tonight indeed! Wait, what does that mean. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Howard Stern (not K.) luxuriates in the warm, comforting, leathery glow of Don Imus's verbal gaffe. (Radar)

• Brad and Angelina allegedly purchase $140 million yacht made of marble and gold, because they are Liberace. (PopSugar)

• Par-ass Hilton. (Taxi Driver)

• Snoop Dogg is facing up to four years in prison. Comeback album entitled From the Dogghouse to the Big House . . . and Back Again dropping in 2011. (Celebitchy)

• Jessica Alba busts out her pantaloons to assuage our Dane Cook-assaulted eyes. (IDontLikeYouInThatWay)

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February 28, 2007

Kimbo Stewart FHM's Most Eligible Bachelorette. Must Look up Definition of "Eligible Bachelorette"

When you imagine which young, single, hot girl you would most like to share your dangly bits with, names like Jessica (either Alba or Biel will do) or Scarlett might come to mind. But in the FHM offices they want nothing more than to drive their collective Downtown Train into Kimbo Stewart. Hey, Joe Francis did declare her a better fuck than Tara Reid. That's something, right? more »

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February 01, 2007

Joe Francis Prefers Paris Knob Jobs to Tara Reid's Fetid Business

Joe Francis, possessor of a literal stiff upper lip and impetus for girls going wild, called into Howard Stern yesterday morning to discuss the lawsuit he and Paris are filing against ParisExposed.com. Although Joe's aim was simply to talk about the legal aspects, he ended up dishing on assorted famous ladies--the Lohan, Tara Reid, Kim Stewart--that he's used as a penis snood through the years. And then he showed Howard his moobs and rode the Sybian. more »

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December 20, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Nearly "Stripped" of Her Crown

• Heather Graham's swan song of succulent sexiness. Take a look, then tip out your King Cobra on the curb.

• Lara Flynn Boyle decorated her razory clavicles with flowers, tied some white ribbons around her prominent ulnae, rubbed some pink gloss on her colossal plastic lips, and got herself married. Mazel tov!

• Nicolette Sheridan donned sheer hose with no visible pants (aka "pulling an Olsen"). Pauly Shore took a long, hard look. And pop went the Weasel. Groan, sorry.

• Sienna Miller offers a hot new diet plan to impressionable teenage girls: just drink vodka! Oh, don't look at us like that. It's a much more heathful alternative than the Lohan "strawberry booger sugar diet" or the Nicole Richie "oxygen and carbon dioxide" diet.

• Or maybe Lohan's on the "energy drink and pretzel diet", how the fuck should we know?

• Your office holiday party hookup was indiscreet and regrettable, but at least no photographic evidence exists. Christian Slater and Sharon Stone's holiday jaunt isn't faring quite so well.

• The beautiful, talented, and intelligent Victoria Silvstedt really really hates shirts.

• We're glad Mollygood agrees with us: Adam Brody's Ian McCulloch hair is kinda hot.

• Miss USA Tara Connor was nearly stripped of her crown after pageant owner Donald Trump got wind of the fact that she was drinking underage, failed a drug test for cocaine, and was making out with Miss Teen USA in public. When asked why he allowed her to retain her title, Trump said, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

• Lohan castoff Harry Morton is now feasting on the pink taco attached to Kimberly Stewart.

• K-Hole es no preggo.

• Martha Stewart briefly dated Anthony Hopkins, but could not bring herself to cook him fava beans with a nice Chianti.

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November 09, 2006

Wake Up, Kimmy's Implants, Rod Thinks He's Got Somethin' to Say to You

Rick and Kathy Hilton might want to give Rod Stewart a jingle and invite him over for tea and coffeecake. Not only are their daughters, Kimberly and Paris, BFFs (or, at least they were), they as parents share a deep streak of pride at their children's accomplishments. And by "accomplishments" we mean sex tapes and big fake titties. more »

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September 14, 2006

Who Will Cause More Nightmares Tonight, Kimberly Stewart or Mena Suvari?

Surprisingly we're going to have to go with Mena on this one. more »

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May 04, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Dunstcrack!

• Teri Hatcher deems her toes and nipples "suck-worthy". Just like her acting!

• Evangeline Lilly blames Hollywood for forcing her to get really, really buff.

• IF you want Rod Stewart's daughter's naked bo-dy, AND you think she's sex-y, COME on sugar, click right here.

• Ashlee Simpson begins her slow, painful metamorphosis into her sister. First, the nose. Then comes the Jackass copulating.

• Anna Nicole Smith climbed on top of an 89-year-old man, placed his shriveled, liver spotted member into her person, and is probably getting a billion dollars for the trouble. Now, possibly some dude has mounted Anna Nicole's shriveled, Trimspa-ravaged body, placed his member inside her person, impregnated her, and wants the ca$h. Ah, the circle of life.

• Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack!!!

• Eva Longoria talks about getting naked or doing it or something like that. In related news, bear shits in woods, Pope wears funny hat, etc. etc.

• Denise Richards tries to shake off the shit-stink of husbandstealing assholism, turning the tables on Heather Locklear, saying, "Heather knows why we aren’t friends.” Which sounds suspiciously like the now-classic "Nicole knows what she did."

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November 28, 2005

Engagements and Disengagements of the Non-stars, with Special Guest Mischa Barton

Surely you are familiar with the name Mischa Barton. She's on that show that's like 90210 but not, and with better and more expensive clothes; she enjoys throwing lawn furniture into pools and pretending she's a lesbian. And if you like truly heinous music you may be familiar with her current paramour, Cisco Adler. He was once engaged to Kimberly Stewart, who sprang forth from the loins of Rod Stewart, some old dude that ladies in the '70s thought was sexy. But now Cisco is engaged to Mischa and Kimberly has ended her two-week engagement to some guy who's even less famous than Cisco. more »

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November 17, 2005

This Week in Celebrity Couplings: Who's Porking Who

There's a chill in the air and the holidays are nearly upon us, so naturally celebrities are pairing off and trying to keep warm with marathon humping sessions. Hey, it's more practical than padding their bodies with a healthy layer of fat for insulation and risk landing only roles as the perpetually single friend of the slim and sexy star. We've got engagements between Nicole Kidman and a non-Kenny Chesney country star and Kimberly Stewart and some dude from some MTV show that our fourteen-year-old cousin really likes, Leonardo DiCaprio filling his Gisele void with some saggy Kirsten Dunst tit, and oh so much more. more »

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April 21, 2005

Paris Confirms Richie Split; Rod Stewart's Kid to Fill Void

So. Paris Hilton is finally admitting that, indeed, she and former BFF Nicole Richie are not only not costars, but not friends. The reason? "I will not go into details of what happened. All I will say is that Nicole knows what she did." Oh, come on, Paris. That's something 6th grade girls say when they don't want to be seen with their horse girl childhood best friend anymore after making the pep squad. LAME. more »

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