filed under: Kiefer Sutherland

• Jessica Simpson gives herself a breast exam. "Are they still big? Yep. Yep. Still big." (Egotastic)

• Hey, ladies. Hold on to your panties and your cocktails, because Kiefer Sutherland is single! (Derek Hail)

• Tina Turner says that Beyoncι will never be rock n' roll. Oh yeah? Well guess what, Tina? You'll never be polka! Eat that! (Female First)

• Shania Twain has learned an important lesson: don't marry a straw-haired producer of bombastic rock music and live in seclusion in Europe lest straw-haired producer runs off with the manager of your Swiss chateau. Oh, that's a story as old as the hills. When will they ever learn? (Hollywire)

• Every part of Kristen Bell is adorable. Up to and including her wee booty. (The Blemish)

• The Hills's Whitney Port becomes Titney Port when she slipples nipple. (Drunken Stepfather)

• And speaking of Hills douches, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt get fingered. (Allie Is Wired)

• Ten Toys that Made You Gay. (Cityrag)

• Joss Stone explores another girl's dental work. With her tongue. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Gossip Girl's Blake Lively cavorts on beach with Penn Badgley. And one of them is wearing a bikini, but we won't spoil it and tell you which! (F-Listed)

Yesterday, Kiefer Sutherland turned himself in to authorities and began serving a 48 day sentence for DUI. People mag scoops:

"Mr. Sutherland is very polite and humble. He was very cooperative during the booking process,” said jail spokesman Officer John Balian. “He will be issued an orange jumpsuit, and will be housed alone in a cell, since he’ll be a long-term inmate.” Sutherland will be assigned to laundry and kitchen duty, serving breakfast, lunch and dinner to the other inmates. As an inmate worker, he’ll be allowed the roam the jail “about 75 percent of the time” – rather than be confined to his cell all day – though the only time he’ll be in contact with other inmates is when he’s serving food, said Balian.

Sutherland previously released a statement saying, “I’m very disappointed in myself for the poor judgment I exhibited recently, and I’m deeply sorry for the disappointment and distress this has caused my family, friends and co-workers on 24 and at 20th Century Fox. I appreciate the support and concern that has been extended to me these last weeks both personally and professionally.”

Jail, kitchen duty, disappointment and distress, blah blah whatever, did you get a load of that booking photo? Good Christ, that man is making love to all of us with his eyes. Kiefer is definitely still in the running to become America's Next Top Inmate. "I love this boy. I love him," says Miss J. "The cah-meh-rah luhvs him," Twiggy croons. "Honestly, he's fallen flat for me before, but I can see a real model emerging in this photo. It's remarkable," says Nigel Barker. "THIS REMINDS ME OF THE TIME I WAS JUST COMIN' UP, GIRLFRIIIIIEEEND! LOOK AT THOSE EYES! FIRE! FIRE! THAT'S FIERCE! NO DEAD EYES, JUST FIERCE LIKE THIS! RAWRAWRARWARWARRRRR! LOOK AT MY APRICOT-COLORED WIG! HA HA HA HA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! FRIED CHICKEN! DOUGHNUTS! GLARBLELRLSALBER!" says Tyra.

• Brittany Murphy's husband is Artie Lange??? (Bricks and Stones)

• Lindsay says that rehab was a "sobering experience". You don't say. (IDLYITW)

• Tara Reid in FHM looking . . . good? Oh, look, a flying pig. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Charlize Theron is Esquire's Sexiest woman. Which is a nicer honor than being Esquire's Stinkiest Belly Button. Yeah, we're still bitter, Esquire. Screw you jerks. (Egotastic!)

• Halle's berries are ripe for the fuckin'. Pluckin'! Pluckin'. (Derek Hail)

• Kiefer Sutherland is going to jail. God, he is always trying to ape Paris's steez, man. Always. (The Blemish)

• Man of God proves that Clay Aiken is not gay! By twiddling wieners with him. Or writing a funny letter. Which one is truth and which one is a joke? Find out on the next scintillating installment of . . . Gayken! (Celebitchy)

• Everybody on earth knows that J. Lo's packin' mad embryo. (CelebWarship)

Remember how you felt the first time you heard your mom say "bling"? How you knew that you would forever associate that word with everything uncool in the world and never be able to hear it without flinching? Young Hollywood's favorite trend, drunk driving arrests, is about to meet the same fate. Once Paris Hilton hears that "that old guy from 24" was picked up for DUI she'll surely hire a full-time driver to escort her to and from clubs. "That guy, like, remembers the '80s. That's so uncool." TMZ reports:

TMZ has learned that "24" star Kiefer Sutherland was busted on suspicion of DUI in West Hollywood last night, after allegedly blowing more than twice the legal limit of .08. This is the actor's second DUI in the past five years -- he was arrested in 2004. By California law, if he's convicted, he must serve a mandatory minimum of five days in jail.

Police sources tell TMZ 40-year-old Sutherland was pulled over around 1:35 AM PST on the corner of La Cienega and Beverly. Sutherland was at the FOX Fall Eco-Casino party at Area nightclub earlier that evening.

Sutherland, who was stopped after making an illegal U-turn, was arrested for misdemeanor DUI and transported to the Hollywood Police station. He was booked at 4:09 AM and released at 5:42 AM on $25,000 bail.

We're told Sutherland was "cooperative and mellow" while he was in custody.

Well, obviously this isn't Kiefer's fault. We're sure that he was working undercover as the barfly in the favorite hangout of the Los Angeles chapter of an international terrorist organization and had to get critical information to CTU just as he lost the charge on his cell phone. He had no choice but to commandeer the nearest vehicle and speed to his destination. That, or after a few Jameson shots he heard that Target had just erected their Christmas displays and wanted to make sure those fucking trees paid for what their brethren did to Kim on Xmas 1987.

Some people, when granting their Make a Wish Foundation dreams to get shit-faced and wild with a celebrity, would choose the likes of Paris Hilton or Britney Spears, hoping to capture camera-phone footage of some wild beaver that they could sell to X17. Us, we'd go with Kiefer Sutherland every time. Not only would we never tire of tipping our pint glass upside down and saying, "The beer reserves are at critically low levels, Jack. Alert CTU at once," he'd do cool stuff like kicking the shit out of Christmas trees or burning dolls made in his likeness. more »

• Jake Gyllenhaal has a new beard! And a new girlfriend. So that's . . . two . . . beards. Yeah.

• Ashlee Simpson and her freshly minted honker show some Ash-crack.

• And Jessica Simpson nearly put her dog through the scanner at an airport security checkpoint. In related news, she's still a big dummy.

• Lindsay Lohan still attempting to resurrect 1988 leggings. Next up, LiLo will singlehandedly bring back Fido Dido gear.

• See Kiefer. See Kiefer drink. See Kiefer drink and drop trou.

• Keith Richards may never perform again. Promise?

Everyone is aping Angelina Jolie, getting preggo and adopting foreign babies and doing charity work and what have you. Even Kiefer Sutherland isn't immune to that Jolie magic, and is enjoying getting his entire body inked with tattoos. He says,

"Every few years something happens in my life that will make me want to write it down. The tattoos have always represented that to me."

Cool, so we're assuming he has one to represent his character in Young Guns, one to represent Julia Roberts ditching him at the altar, one to represent his drunken loathing of hotel Christmas trees. Mystical. more »

• Harrison Ford is old. In case you hadn't noticed.

• Keifer Sutherland: "I hate that ****ing Christmas tree. The tree HAS to come down. I'm smashing it - can I pay for it?"

• Brooke Shields her nipple from view. Just kidding, she totally doesn't.

• Stars shitmouth one another, so we don't have to!

• Mischa Barton is a midnight toker.

• OMG Angelina is preggo!!!!

• OMG Cammy Diaz is too!!!!!!

• Basic guide to Hollywood pregnancies: if you wear baggy clothes, you're pregnant. If you're photographed eating, you're pregnant ("Eating for two???"). If you or your partner gently places a hand on your stomach, you're pregnant. If you're bloated, you're pregnant. If you smile and or have anything remotely resembling a "glow", you're pregnant.

• Apparently there are some sort of Blog Awards and you should like totally nominate us for the category of your choice! If you do, we will send you a nickel. A shiny nickel.