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filed under: Kelly Osbourne

September 25, 2008

"A Shitty Bit of Toilet Paper"

That Kelly Osbourne, she sure is something else. She just doesn't care what people think of her, now does she? She's going to speak her mind no matter what the consequences. We keep on telling her, "Young lady, you better learn to hold your tongue, or you will not get invited to the Worthingtons' annual non-denominational-holiday party. They just do not stand for this sort of behavior." But she just goes on and on, saying whatever horrible things pop into her head. Like what she recently said about Jennifer Lopez and Victoria Beckham, who are just lovely, in our opinion (via Yeeeah!):

Big-mouthed Kelly Osbourne couldn’t help firing out a round of verbal abuse towards fellow guests at New York Fashion week, lashing out the ‘fake’ friendship of Victoria Beckham and Jennifer Lopez.

“I know it’s not my place to say… but I’ve never seen two people pretend to like each other more in my life. They were holding hands, but it looked like Victoria was holding a shitty bit of toilet paper,” she confided, not very subtly, to Heat magazine.

Well, J.Lo does have infant twins (that she's rearing completely by herself without any hired help, of course), so you never know what could've been on her hand.

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August 28, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Tara Reid Launches "Derelicte"

• God, Megan Fox is so gross. She's seriously such a dog. I mean, bow wow, right? (Fatback)

• Matthew McConaughey sprung from the loins of another legendary cocksman, it seems. All right all right all riiiiiight. (Yeeeah!)

• Focus on Madonna's crotch and achieve inner peace. (Cityrag)

• Naked Kate Moss minus puss moss. (Mr. Skin)

• Tara Reid is designing her own clothing line. Comes pre-scented with tequila shots and with grass stained knees! (Daily Stab)

• Christina Ricci's nipples are so terribly sharp, they could slash tires. Or cut butternut squash. Or cut through this can. (IDLYITW)

• As a child, Mia Tyler ate what normal 8-year-olds eat. Chicken nuggets, pizza, Fruit Wrinkles, Little Debbies, and marijuana seeds. (Celebridiot)

• Julia Roberts in a bikini. Where's that gigantic boob melanoma? (Drunken Stepfather)

• One snort at a time: Mackenzie Phillips got arrested for drugs. Where's Schneider when you need him. (Hollywood Grind)

• Axl Rose wants young Kelly Osbourne to be his serpentine. He wanna hear her scream. (CelebWarship)

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May 03, 2007

A Tale of Lindsay, Coke, and a Rat

Lindsay Lohan! Rats! Illicit behavior! Ryan Seacrest! That Page Six sure knows how to craft a riveting story. If they had just thrown in Nicole Richie giving a handjob to a baby elephant they would've been a shoo-in for a Pulitzer. more »

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January 11, 2007

The Next Viral Video Hit: Kelly Osbourne's Shit in a Box

So you didn't get that dick in a box you were hoping for this Christmas? There's still time to receive a special gift all tied up with a shiny bow, just do something to really piss off Sharon Osbourne. Daughter Kelly explains:

“Mom used to make me and Jack shit in a box, then she’d wrap it up and send it to journalists she was angry with. I’d never do anything like that!”

No, Kelly's more of a used-tampons-in-a-FedEx-envelope kind of girl.

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February 23, 2006

The Kelly Osbourne Identity

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February 01, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: "Dressing Like a 5p Hooker."

• Kelly Osbourne thinks Paris Hilton inspires parents to dress their children like hookers. Would she rather the children of the world take fashion cues from her?

• Is Liz Hurley all knocked up again? Does anyone care?

• Nicky Hilton calls Mischa Barton a "fat pig". Huh. Maybe she meant "stuck pig"?

• Remember those Lisa Loeb thong shots we showed you yesterday? Of course you do. Well, now you can see those pictures move! It's called "the talkies", which translates to "motile ass".

• Jodie "Stephanie Tanner" Sweetin was a meth head, but she's since Cut! It! Out!

• Oh, speaking of thongs, flash leads to a see-through dress in Alyssa Milanoland.

• Egotastic!'s got the poop scoop on what's really going down betwixt Sienna Miller and Darth Vader. It's considerably less sexy than previously thought.

• Tyra Banks rocks the pit stubble. Fierce!!!

• Quote of the year: "If you're going to be raped in a movie, it may as well be Vincent Cassel." Oh, Jennifer Aniston, you are so terribly high-larious.

• Oh yeah, Oscar nominees.

• Tom Cruise's next potential film project will be a "contemporary romance". We have a good idea for a romantic film! Boy divorces girl, elders at boy's cult pay new girl to perpetrate like she's dating boy, boy jumps on furniture, cult elders impregnate girl with mythical animal-human hybrid, and . . . aw, never mind. Nobody would buy it.

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November 18, 2005

It Was Kelly's Party and She'll Cry If She Wants To

You may think your twenty-first birthday was bad, but after the barf was mopped up and the couch cushions were flipped over, the only real lasting effects were the derision of your loved ones and a case of HPV. Kelly Osbourne nearly had to pay $100,000 worth of damages, thanks to--you know him! You love him! Allll together now--Stamos Nachos! more »

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November 15, 2005

Paris Hilton Loses Her Nachos, Gains Some Monkey Scratches

It's time for the Jolly Greek Giant to hide his Gold Cards in his spinach-leaf tunic and climb back up his beanstalk to his giant lair in sky, as it is being reported that Stamos Nachos and Paris Hilton have broken up. Paris has been seen wandering the streets of Las Vegas desperately searching for a replacement shipping heir in between vicious scratching and biting attacks from her pet monkey. more »

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November 10, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: "Baby, I'm Scaring Myself!"

• Pink says she wants to have lezzie sex with Kelly Osbourne. Well, that makes one of us.

• Jessica Alba pokes our eyes out. With her tits.

• Renée Zellweger's behatted bygone ball and chain Kenny Chesney assures us that he's "pretty firm" in his sexuality. Just pretty firm, though.

• Stamos Nachos learns an important lesson: when driving Paris Hilton's Bentley under the influence while chased by paparazzi and while bystanders are filming the whole melee, do not obscure your drunken double vision with your jacket or you will crash into a truck, leaving your girlfriend no other recourse than to blow kisses at the cops. Oh, please, like we all haven't been there.

• Mischa Barton's publicist once urged her to play hide-the-hot-dog with Leonardo diCaprio to further her career. Mischa expressed digust, not because he looks like a weepy-eyed Pekingese or the fact that he was on Growing Pains and totally has gross Ben Seaver germs, but because he's "like, thirty, or something".

• Jessica Simpson tried to pull an Angelina and went on a humanitarian mission to Africa, only to fake sick. Because she's an asshole.

• Models! Fluffy wings! Horny elves! Tyra Banks's farewell to modeling! Asses curiously devoid of cellulite! Light-up tit-tays! Candy canes! Inexplicable puffballs! High-res pics! Heidi Klum having a better body 8 hours after giving birth than we had at age 16! It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Wheeee!

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March 03, 2005

Ozzy Honks Kelly

We've all known that Ozzy Osbourne is totally nuts for some time now. And we're not talking about the whole biting-the-head-off-a-dove thing or peeing on the Alamo. That can all be blamed on the drugs. But in his sober, old-man, burrito-eating, incoherently mumbling state his behavior is more baffling than ever. His brain seems even to have confused his daughter Kelly with his wife, resulting in true ickyness. more »

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December 15, 2004

Kelly Osbourne Wigs Out!

Kelly Osbourne gits to wrasslin' at a London pub. It's not quite up to America's Next Top Model "Bitch poured a beer on my WEAVE!" bar catfight standards, but it'll do. more »

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December 07, 2004

Kelly Osbourne: Big-Boned and Uterine-Cranky

Celeb offspring Kelly Osbourne says that the producers of her TV show Life As We Know It dressed her to appear fat, although she's merely "big-boned". You and Eric Cartman, sister. Furthermore, Kelly has an angry uterus. Read on. more »

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