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filed under: Kelly Brook
October 15, 2008
Kelly Brook's Bikini Is a Really Good Actor
We don't go to the theater. Mostly because we're charlatans, but also because in the rare instance that there is a hot naked lady on stage, we're too far away to actually see it. Internet porn is just so much more intimate. So luckily once in a while someone like possible-still-fiancιe of your friend Billy Zane Kelly Brook appears on a London stage flaunting her funbags in a bikini and someone helpfully takes close-up pictures of said funbags. England is so much more advanced than we prudish Yanks. They make stars out of girls like Katie Price and Lucy Pinder, who do nothing more than haul out their fake boobies whenever a camera is around. We want our girls to have "talent" or "class" or some bullshit. Hell, the last time we saw a play all the women were dressed like Miss Havisham. That's just not what art is about. Girls in bikinis! That's how to get asses in seats. After all, we hear that Shakespeare's first draft of Hamlet was nothing but girls in bikinis. He was a true innovator, that man.
More pics at Drunken Stepfather.
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May 14, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: "If I Was Cyclops and You Were Jean Grey"
Singer/asshole Ryan Adams goes to comic shop expressly for the purpose of fondling Mandy Moore. Nerds everywhere cut selves. (The Blemish) Tara Reid works a bikini, haters be damned. (Drunken Stepfather)
It's entirely possible that Tony Romo will never fumble with Jessica Simpson's footballs again. (Yeeeah!)
Celebrity Muppets. (Cityrag)
Kelly Brook is back together with your friend Billy Zane. (F-listed)
Lily Allen once sang that she wanted to see you smile. Today, the dream becomes reality as shots of her cliff-diving topless emerge. (Hollywood Tuna)
Some skintage flesh! Tricia Helfer nip slip circa 2007. Battlestar Galac-tit-ca. (Fatback)
The new cast of 90210 revealed! That one was for all of our under 12 and gay readers. (Bitten and Bound)
How I Met My Emo Lover, by Flashlee Simpson. (FemaleFirst)
Another kind of "bump" for Britney. (Daily Stab)
Shia La Beef on La Zit Cream. (Celebitchy)
When scabies met impetigo: a tender love story featuring Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty. (Seriously OMG WTF)
Amy Smart has a well-padded poon. (Taxi Driver)
April 23, 2008
Et Tu, Star and Al; Kelly and Billy?
Whatever mystical hoodoo has been floating around Famouspeopleland making them get impregnated with twins has soured and is now causing relationships to melt like a Fat Frog in the sun. Kanye West and his fiancιe have called off their engagement, and today it was announced that two other relationships have shit the bed.Packing their bags and boarding the S.S. Brokenheart: the pneumatically awesome Kelly Brook and Your Friend Billy Zane! According to our gossip marriage counselor, FemaleFirst, a source said,
"After much soul-searching, Kelly decided that Billy is not the man she wants to marry and has called off the engagement. The split is completely amicable and they remain good friends."Keep in mind that Billy attempted to put the kibosh on Kelly baring any more of her storied flesh than necessary. We expect a grand, post-breakup coming out for Kelly in the near future. Coming out of her drawers, that is.
And speaking of "coming out", Star Jones has filed for divorce from her waxed and manicured hunk o' man Al Reynolds. She told ET:
Several years ago I made an error in judgment by inviting the media into the most intimate area of my life. A month ago I filed for divorce. The dissolution of a marriage is a difficult time in anyones life that requires privacy with ones thoughts. I have committed myself to handling this situation with dignity and grace and look forward to emerging from this period as a stronger and wiser woman.Al, too, looks to emerge from this period a stronger and wiser woman.
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March 14, 2008
Kelly Brook Gives Sisqo Something to Sing About
The comely Kelly Brook. Her ample, pneumatic frame is the stuff of fairy tales. In a better time, she would get roles like Nicole Kidman and awards like Cate Blanchett, but unfortunately, she took up with your friend Billy Zane who, apparently, forces his betrothed to don woolen undergarments, high button boots, and a neck-to-toe waistcoat, only letting her out of the house on occasion. But when these occasions occur, it's a party! Yesterday was no different, and Kelly was able to surreptitiously sneak out a little whale tale thong behind the back of the ever-watchful Mr. Zane. It's like the sexy lady version of giving your dad the finger behind your closed bedroom door, only with less teenage angst and braces and more erections.
January 04, 2008
Kelly Brook One Two-Ups Herself
Today: pictures of Kelly Brook in half a bikini on the beach with two boobs. Yesterday: Kelly Brook in a bikini on the beach with one enormous, bloated boob. Named "Billy Zane". In the battle of days of Brook, today emerges the victor, triumphantly clasping its hands together and shaking them above its head. Click "more", get the goods. The NSFW goods.more »
January 03, 2008
Ringing in '08 with Brookini
Thar she blows! A hump like a snowhill! It is Moby Duff! Kelly Brook spent New Year's doing what a Kelly Brook does best--wearing a bikini. Her jugg-gasmically boombastic figure crammed into those two storied hunks of Lycra blend, she breaches the surface of the ocean like the Hot Ness Monster, those twin globules of peachulous flesh awobble. Kelly Brook is so sublime and succulent that it appears she's even absorbed whatever looks her fiance, your friend Billy Zane, had going for him. Like Rogue from the X-Men, she osmoses the pretty mugs of those around her, becoming stronger and shinier and buxomer until her peers are nothing but giant ugly piles of puke. Or, in Billy Zane's case, an unfortunate mash-up of David Cross and late-in-life Syd Barrett.
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June 12, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: What a Luffoon
Britney Spears. Her butt. Your face. (TMZ) No phrase sends quivers of ecstasy up the male
Paris is suffering from ADD and claustrophobia. BFD, our cousin Cheyenne is suffering from impetigo and chronic fatigue and she's still in jail. (The Blemish)
An improvement on that boring Sopranos finale. (Cityrag)
Justin Timberlake was traumatized filming Black Snake Moan sex scenes with Christina Ricci. "The sex scene was pretty hot," he said. "Im not going to say it doesnt feel weird pretending to fuck someone in front of a man with a sound boom, though. That would be weird indeed, and very unlike our usual practice of fucking a man from the front with his sound boom.(Derek Hail)
Like a white trash phoenix covered in bong resin rising from a pile of busted lawnmowers, Federspears: the Union might be resurrected. (Hollywood Backwash)
Anne Heche and Celestia lose custody of her child. Apparently, when it comes to parenting, playing video games and watching porn is still preferable to having a second personality who is the child of God and speaks in an unnameable tongue. Who knew? (A Socialite's Life)
May 29, 2007
Kelly Brook Returns Her Clam to the Ocean
Kelly Brook is obviously having fun frolicking in the surf in her bikini while having her picture taken. Enlivening the festivities is a well-worn copy of George Michael's Faith. If you look really, really closely you might be able to see Kelly singing along: "Why can't you do it? Why can't you set your monkey free?" One thing that George has always excelled at is the power of persuasion. After the cut, freed monkey! more »
April 02, 2007
Kelly Brook: Big-Titty Champion
Hey, hey, guys, hey, do you like Kelly Brook's bazookas? Cause she sure does. And she likes dressing them up in frilly, glittery, girly, lacy things. And that's not all. She likes dressing up her hooters so much that now she's going to dress up other women's colossal chest canons with her own line (or range, as the Brits say) of lingerie. Your friend Billy Zane's betrothed says: When you're bigger busted it's hard to find any lingerie that is young, fresh, girly and sexy.We applaud Kelly's need to give something back to the big-titted community (which, coincidentally, is where we plan on retiring), but might be suggest a little something more hands on than underwear? Like, say, mammary massages? And while you're at it, Kelly, could you film them? For purely instructional purposes, of course. You could be the Dr. Phil of knocker kneading, helping others to help themselves to relaxed racks. more »
It's quite nice to have a sexy bra range that fits us bigger girls.
I feel like I'm giving something back to the big-titted community.
January 24, 2007
When Brookini Met the Janet Jugs
The cock crowed at the break of dawn, and we rose from our horsehair mattress to pull on our overalls and tend to our morning duty: culling a decent "sexy lady story" from the chaff of the day's gossip. We farmed two--Kelly Brook in a bikini and Janet Jackson cupping her breasts--but found that we had nothing more to say about either of these tasty crops that we haven't said the 14 other times we've presented them to you. Then we realized that it didn't matter so long as we posted pretty pictures. Yay! We all win! more »
December 11, 2006
Top Ten Movies To Put You in the Mood(y)
We here at CelebNewsWire pride ourselves on being pervier than the average bear (we've logged dozens and dozens of hours examining the folds of Britney Spears's rubyfruit to prove it), but we learned everything we know from our mentor of muffage, Mr. Skin. Today we're proud to bring you his picks for the 10 best nude scenes of 2006. more »
November 29, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Lips and Teeth
Hilary Duff has dropped her older emo craprocker lover with MySpace hair.
She's also dropped the lower 2 inches off those much-maligned veneers. Neiggggh!
J. Lo can't seem to make a baby. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her husband is a reanimated corpse. That was mean.
In this crazy age of full-on spread pink Britney labia in our faces, it's kind of refreshing and titillating to see a lady in a bikini. Good on ya, Kelly Brook.
Rihanna, on the other hand, is taking a page from the Merry Divorcιe and serving up lippage.
Britney has mysteriously pulled out of planned joint Billboard Awards hosting duties, leaving Paris to go it solo. That marks the very first time you've ever heard "Britney" and "pulled out" in the same sentence.
Borat blamed for the Pam Anderson-Kid Rock split. In related news, Borat causes global warming, racial profiling was Borat's idea, and Borat sold all that vodka to Mel Gibson.
Note to Snoop: YOU HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEONE TO CARRY YOUR DRUGS AND GUNS FOR YOU.
She's also dropped the lower 2 inches off those much-maligned veneers. Neiggggh!
J. Lo can't seem to make a baby. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her husband is a reanimated corpse. That was mean.
In this crazy age of full-on spread pink Britney labia in our faces, it's kind of refreshing and titillating to see a lady in a bikini. Good on ya, Kelly Brook.
Rihanna, on the other hand, is taking a page from the Merry Divorcιe and serving up lippage.
Britney has mysteriously pulled out of planned joint Billboard Awards hosting duties, leaving Paris to go it solo. That marks the very first time you've ever heard "Britney" and "pulled out" in the same sentence.
Borat blamed for the Pam Anderson-Kid Rock split. In related news, Borat causes global warming, racial profiling was Borat's idea, and Borat sold all that vodka to Mel Gibson.
Note to Snoop: YOU HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEONE TO CARRY YOUR DRUGS AND GUNS FOR YOU.
October 18, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "Yes, I Have Fucked George Clooney"
Following her guest-starring role as lottery winner Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donell will be doing a spinoff series. A Dawn Budge spinoff but no Riding the Bus with My Sister spinoff? God, the injustice in this world.
We can see right through Mischa Barton.
And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.
Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!
Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.
Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.
Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!
Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!
Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.
The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.
We can see right through Mischa Barton.
And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.
Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!
Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.
Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.
Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!
Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!
Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.
The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.
September 20, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "This Needs Love Too"
Janet Jackson says that her sex life was great when she was fat, and that her Ewok lover Jermaine Dupri would "grab me, pull me around the stomach, look me in the eyes and say, 'This needs love too!'" And then he'd gently insert his penis into her stomach folds.
Britney Spears reportedly had a tummy tuck following the birth of SPFsquared. Slowly inching closer and closer to Tara Reid territory (Taratory?).
Little Aaron Carter is engaged! To a Playboy Playmate! Presumeably, his pneumatic bride-to-be has seen AARON CARTER SHIRTLESS.
Safely ogle Kelly Brook in her underwear from the comfort of your own home, free from fear of retaliation at the hands of your friend Billy Zane.
Lindsay Lohan is looking to move to England, most likely because the English are the only people who can drink her under the table.
Jackass Steve-O tells us, in great detail, about the time he masturbated onto Nicole Richie's back. And then her semi-exposed spinal column recognized the protein content of the expelled liquid and, revolted at the idea of nourishment, quickly whipped the offending substance away from Richie's person.
Courtney Love and Whitney Houston: not only are they recovering substance abusers, they both have names that end in -tney! BFFs!
Paris takes advantage of Lindsay Lohan's absence; flirts with Harry Morton. When the exposed pussy lips are away, the skank will play.
Asia Argento turns 31 today, and celebrates by picking G-string bikini bottoms out of her anus. Mazel tov!
Britney Spears reportedly had a tummy tuck following the birth of SPFsquared. Slowly inching closer and closer to Tara Reid territory (Taratory?).
Little Aaron Carter is engaged! To a Playboy Playmate! Presumeably, his pneumatic bride-to-be has seen AARON CARTER SHIRTLESS.
Safely ogle Kelly Brook in her underwear from the comfort of your own home, free from fear of retaliation at the hands of your friend Billy Zane.
Lindsay Lohan is looking to move to England, most likely because the English are the only people who can drink her under the table.
Jackass Steve-O tells us, in great detail, about the time he masturbated onto Nicole Richie's back. And then her semi-exposed spinal column recognized the protein content of the expelled liquid and, revolted at the idea of nourishment, quickly whipped the offending substance away from Richie's person.
Courtney Love and Whitney Houston: not only are they recovering substance abusers, they both have names that end in -tney! BFFs!
Paris takes advantage of Lindsay Lohan's absence; flirts with Harry Morton. When the exposed pussy lips are away, the skank will play.
Asia Argento turns 31 today, and celebrates by picking G-string bikini bottoms out of her anus. Mazel tov!
September 15, 2006
Kelly Brook's Bikini is Newsworthy
OK, we've searched every single media outlet available to us, contacted our Deep Throats in twelve different countries, obsessively checked the hidden cameras we have secreted away in various sundry colonic clinics around the greater Hollywood area, and we've still got nothing. An entire twenty-four hours have passed without Britney Spears getting pregnant, and as far as we can tell, Lindsay Lohan managed to contain her labia within the confines of her clothing, so we're going to take up space by posting pictures of English actress Kelly Brook wearing a bikini.
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July 05, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Not Anorexic
K-Fed is all, "Yo, remember when I did PopoZao? Yo, I was just funnin' y'all. No, surriously. When my REAL shit drops, y'all are gonna go nuts. No, really. PopoZao: just a big ha-ha. I meant to do that. Yo. Yo."
BREAKING: Hugh Hefner has had sexual intercourse with ladies!!!
"Elizabeth Hurley See-Through Nipple" does not actually mean that her nipple is transluscent, you realize.
Hilary Swank tells People that her split from husband Chad "brother of Rob" Lowe was not, in fact, due to her being a huge mega multiple Oscar-winning superstar acting Hollywood juggernaut while he had a few guest spots on CSI: Miami and Medium. It was because he's a druggie. Dun dun DUNNNN!
Your friend Billy Zane orders his colossally-kanockered girlfriend Kelly Brook to wear only enormous, dowdy underpants. Because he is a bad man.
Paris Hilton sets sights on passing down the wonkeye gene.
Kingston Rossdale and Piloh Shitt had a little play date. Ah, yes. Angelina and Brad are already making quite sure that their facially fortunate offspring consorts with only the prettiest peers. Excellent, excellent.
Our gossip doula, FemaleFirst, agrees with us that Natalie Portman will indeed be naked for real in her next film.
Keira Knightley says, "I'm not anorexic. But my grandma was. And my great-grandma was. And also, Tracey Gold was."
BREAKING: Hugh Hefner has had sexual intercourse with ladies!!!
"Elizabeth Hurley See-Through Nipple" does not actually mean that her nipple is transluscent, you realize.
Hilary Swank tells People that her split from husband Chad "brother of Rob" Lowe was not, in fact, due to her being a huge mega multiple Oscar-winning superstar acting Hollywood juggernaut while he had a few guest spots on CSI: Miami and Medium. It was because he's a druggie. Dun dun DUNNNN!
Your friend Billy Zane orders his colossally-kanockered girlfriend Kelly Brook to wear only enormous, dowdy underpants. Because he is a bad man.
Paris Hilton sets sights on passing down the wonkeye gene.
Kingston Rossdale and Piloh Shitt had a little play date. Ah, yes. Angelina and Brad are already making quite sure that their facially fortunate offspring consorts with only the prettiest peers. Excellent, excellent.
Our gossip doula, FemaleFirst, agrees with us that Natalie Portman will indeed be naked for real in her next film.
Keira Knightley says, "I'm not anorexic. But my grandma was. And my great-grandma was. And also, Tracey Gold was."
May 03, 2006
Kelly Brook Likes to Mix it up
Fiancιe of your friend Billy Zane/actress Kelly Brook is known more for her staggeringly huge, all-natural yams than her genitalia. However, if she flashes said crotch while keeping the breasts covered, you're not going to soil your diapers and scream and wail and pound your fists on the ground and throw your rattle, probably. Unless you have an adult baby fetish. In which case: carry on. more »
April 12, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Happy Buhthdayyy, Mistah Hefnahh
Maggie Gyllenhaal's been impregnated by, and is now engaged to, Peter Sarsgaard. Congrats, Gaardhaal.
We told you about Sienna Miller supposedly being snapped doing some career-threateningly embarrassing cavorting at a VF party. Here are the pics. BFD.
Kristanna Loken: if you're Loken for an upskirt shot, you've found one.
Jennifer Love Hewitt says that Fez is a dirty liar and that she absolutely did not take a ride on his baloney pony.
Keri Russell, NAKED in a magazine. However, it's Vanity Fair, so there's no real Felicity felititty.
Women want Kelly Brook's body. They want her body baaad.
Paris Hilton shows off her sultry pipes. And for once, we're not talking about her poon chasm.
That little girl from Pete and Pete is now a plumber.
Mariah Carey's foxy ex-boyfriend upgrades to Cindy Crawford. She's planning on leaving her husband and moving into her new love's refrigerator box in Shantytown, USA.
We told you about Sienna Miller supposedly being snapped doing some career-threateningly embarrassing cavorting at a VF party. Here are the pics. BFD.
Kristanna Loken: if you're Loken for an upskirt shot, you've found one.
Jennifer Love Hewitt says that Fez is a dirty liar and that she absolutely did not take a ride on his baloney pony.
Keri Russell, NAKED in a magazine. However, it's Vanity Fair, so there's no real Felicity felititty.
Women want Kelly Brook's body. They want her body baaad.
Paris Hilton shows off her sultry pipes. And for once, we're not talking about her poon chasm.
That little girl from Pete and Pete is now a plumber.
Mariah Carey's foxy ex-boyfriend upgrades to Cindy Crawford. She's planning on leaving her husband and moving into her new love's refrigerator box in Shantytown, USA.
November 30, 2005
Happy Birthday, Jelly Boob--Er, Kelly Brook!
When it comes to boobs, pertness and stupefying heft are generally mutually exclusive. But every once in a while, the great glandular gods who sit upon nipply thrones on a huge, tit-shaped cloud in the sky harness their powers and create a pair that combine the size of extra-jumbo cinnabuns with the perk of a nubile young lass in the bloom of early adolescence. You know what we're getting at here. We're getting at Kelly Brook. more »
November 09, 2005
I Don't Think You're Ready for This Kelly
Oh, hey. Here's a third clip of Kelly Brook's big ole bouncing beans from Three. A girl, a boy, her rack, a beach, and some really cringeworthy "acting". But who cares about how Kelly delivers her lines when her boobs have obviously really honed their craft? more »
November 04, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: A Gallon of Semen
Bai Ling wants to marry her boyfriend, Backstreet Boy/Hilton slugger Nick Carter. Please, God. We don't ask for much. But we're begging and pleading here. Let this union happen. Oh, the stories we would write! And the pictures! My God! The pictures!
Another clip of Kelly Brook's two in Three.
Despite being a boozy druggie and cramming his weenis into hookers, Charlie Sheen has been taken back by his estranged wife, Denise Richards. Welp, good luck with that.
She's alive! A Natasha Lyonne sighting is like catching a glimpse of mythical cobbler elves. Only crackier.
Hey, look. Naked supermodel.
We're, like, 50 billion days late on this, but Vincent Gallo has put his sperm up for sale. Perhaps Rod Stewart/Danny Wood/George Michael can buy a gallon of it, get their stomachs pumped, and make that urban legend a reality.
Another clip of Kelly Brook's two in Three.
Despite being a boozy druggie and cramming his weenis into hookers, Charlie Sheen has been taken back by his estranged wife, Denise Richards. Welp, good luck with that.
She's alive! A Natasha Lyonne sighting is like catching a glimpse of mythical cobbler elves. Only crackier.
Hey, look. Naked supermodel.
We're, like, 50 billion days late on this, but Vincent Gallo has put his sperm up for sale. Perhaps Rod Stewart/Danny Wood/George Michael can buy a gallon of it, get their stomachs pumped, and make that urban legend a reality.
