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filed under: Keith Urban

July 15, 2008

Nicole Kidman Gives It Away for Free

Nicole Kidman may have jumped on the Hollywood "My baby's special; she needs a unique name like Colon Backslash Anal Sex" bandwagon, but she's not all about the latest celebrity trends. Jessica Alba, Matthew McConaughey, and Brangelina may be banking millions off of their offspring snaps, but not Nicky. She's all, "Hell, you wanna see her? Here. Get a good look. Just let me know when you're done, cause she's gotta nurse." Our own celebrity-baby photo agent, FemaleFirst, reports:

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have rejected various million dollar offers for the first photographs of their new daughter.

The 'Moulin Rouge' actress and her country singer husband - who welcomed Sunday Rose, their first child together, into the world last week - have allegedly been approached by various celebrity magazines desperate to get the first pictures of the baby, but have declined all offers.

A source said: "They don't think it's appropriate to make deals. They are still deciding how they feel about it - if and when they will release a photo at all."

However, the couple are said to be considering releasing a picture themselves, for free.

The source added: "They realise there is enormous interest from the public and they are grateful and appreciative of that.

"Nicole and Keith have been enjoying their first few days at home with their firstborn tot - Nicole is thinking about things like breastfeeding right now."

What are you thinking, Nicole? The amount of dough Sunday Rose could rake in for you could keep you in Botox shots--and restorative surgery once it's discovered that Botox causes your flesh peel off in chunks after fifteen years--for the rest of your days. Oh, no, oops. We don't mean that. We mean, just think of how many starving babies those millions would feed. Yeah. That's it. That's what celebrities do with all that money. Feed starving babies. more »

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July 08, 2008

Nicole Kidman Sez: In Your Face, Xenu!

We know that ever since yesterday morning your face has been plagued with a perplexed expression, you've been scratching your head so much you've nearly created a new bald spot, and you've been muttering to yourself, "Sunday Rose? Seriously? Sunday Rose?" while walking around in circles and distractedly bumping into furniture. And we've been right there with you, pal. But luckily MSNBC has come along to solve the Nicole Kidman baby-name mystery:

By now it’s pretty much common knowledge that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban named their baby Sunday Rose, and thus re-opened the vault of bad celebrity baby names.

What was the couple thinking? One Kidman source said that before the birth, Urban penned a song titled “Sunday” about his little miracle-to-be. “(Urban and Kidman) knew the sex of the baby beforehand, and once Keith wrote the song, they thought it was the perfect name for their baby,” said the Kidman source. “They really didn’t know she’d almost be born on Sunday.”

Another source said the name is her last jab at Scientology. “Nicole is a Catholic, and Sunday was an important religious day for her until she was involved in Scientology,” said the source. “She’s still bitter about her experience with Scientology and the fact her baby’s name could be perceived as one last jab doesn’t exactly upset her.”

What’s up next for the new family of three? “They’re going to nest in Nashville for a while.”

The Keith Urban song theory we totally get (and we're sure it's a masterpiece on the order of "Hey Jude"), but using your first naturally born child's moniker, the name she'll have to saddle until she's 18 and changes it to something really boring like Ann, to smite Scientology? We don't think so. We think Nicole's saving that honor for her very first yacht, the S.S. Scientology is a Cult Full of Crazy Alien Humpers. And of course the dinghy will be christened the P.S. My Ex-husband Tom Cruise Likes Wieners (and I Don't Mean Hot Dogs). more »

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July 07, 2008

Kidman Has Kid, Man

What happens when a heavily Botoxed mother and a heavily Lumineered father reproduce, and their baby comes out with forehead creases and the potential for crooked brown teeth? We dunno, ask Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban! Mere moments ago, Nicole spread her fish belly white thighs and pushed forth a new life unto this world. People scoops:

Nicole Kidman and her husband, Keith Urban, have welcomed their first child together, a daughter named Sunday Rose Kidman Urban, born Monday morning in Nashville, PEOPLE has confirmed.

"Husband Keith was by Nicole's side, and mother and baby are very well," said spokesman Paul Freundlich, who added that the couple were "delighted" to make the announcement. He also said the baby girl weighed 6 lbs., 7.5 oz.

And at the same time in a parallel universe, Sunday's arch rival, Thursday Peony Adultwoman Rural, was also born. In twenty years they will fight to the death. Who will emerge the victor? There can be only one. more »

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April 15, 2008

Nicole Kidman Pregnant with World's First Four-Ounce Baby

This is a photograph of Nicole Kidman. She is supposedly somewhere in the vicinity of six months pregnant. Yet gazing upon her still quite puny gut would made one think, "She must have splurged and eaten half a chalupa and a couple of Mallomars." The image does not scream, "There is a living being growing inside my uterus." But maybe we're just thinking of this whole "Nicole Kidman is pregnant" thing in the wrong light. Perhaps it is not her lady chamber that is pregnant, but her mind. Pregnant with ideas. Ideas on how to be in a movie that actually makes money. Or ideas about which shade of beige to paint (sorry, hire people to paint) the guest bathroom. Or maybe all those years spent in such close proximity to Scientology have given her extraordinary abilities. Perhaps she is actually pregnant with a kitten. Those things are pretty damn small. And maybe it's a kitten granted with the gift of L. Ron Hubbard's soul; a kitten that will possess the ability to speak and command large flocks of gullible followers who believe him when he says that they are all possessed by ancient alien beings and must pledge three quarters of their income to eradicate said beings from their bodies. His name will be Mittens, because he will have white paws.

Find more pics of Nicole Kidman looking not-at-all pregnant at Celebitchy.

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January 08, 2008

Kidman's Rep Says: "I Was Just Joshing You. She's Totally Knocked Up."

We have a great idea: Instead of celebrities having their people release statements saying, "Of course she's not pregnant, you dumb idiots. She's never even had sex. She doesn't even know what a penis looks like. She's never even seen Michelangelo's David. She could not possibly be pregnant," they should just say, "I'm a dirty filthy liar and you should never believe one word that I say. Today I will say Nicole Kidman isn't pregnant, but tomorrow you will probably see a live human baby coming out of her vagina on Entertainment Tonight." We like a little honesty in our celebrity shills. After denying the preggo rumors last week, Nicole's spokesperson confirmed this morning:

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban confirmed today that they are expecting a baby. The couple are thrilled.

This kid is going to have it rough. Can you imagine if every time you saw your adopted half siblings (which should be approximately twice a year, if Nicole's maternal history is any indication) they said, "Sure, you're an okay kid, we guess, but our other half sibling is the next supreme being of the universe and will some day save us all from inevitable alien invasion"?

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January 02, 2008

Nicole Kidman Pregnant, About To Lose Three-Quarters of Face Due To Botox Withdrawal

A couple of things happened while we were away. But other than Mischa Barton confirming that she shares intoxication preferences with Nicole Richie, we didn't pay attention to most of it. We were too busy plying our Real Doll with Veuve Clicquot in hopes that she would finally put out. (She has expensive tastes. And, no, it still didn't work.) So we didn't really have time to follow rumors about the possible occupation of Nicole Kidman's womb. Plus, her people rapidly denied the story anyway, so who the f cares? Not us. That is until we read this ridiculously obvious blind item in today's Page Six:

WHICH 40ish actress has finally gotten pregnant for the first time? Her rep is denying it because she's only a month into it, and has suffered miscarriages in the past. Said our source: "Watch for her to get bangs and start wearing hats to hide her sagging face because you can't be on Botox when you are pregnant."

We've got a better solution for Nicole: Have Madame Tussaud's carve up a couple of statues of Nicole in various states of pregnancy and send them to red-carpet events. No one will know the difference, and Nicole can stay locked up at home until the kid pops, assuring that no paps will snap Nic looking like Droopy Dog. Once the kid's old enough to talk and starts calling Katie Holmes Mommy, though, we'll be out of suggestions.

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January 17, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Brangelina in the Big Easy

• You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, or you can call me Ray J, or you can call me the penis in the Kim Kardashian sex tape, but ya doesn't hafta call me Whitney Houston's new boy toy. Oh wait, yes you do.

• Friends think Britney is pregnant again because she is bloated, barfy, and "relaxed and happy". Sounds more like a few too many mangotinis to us.

• Keith Urban is out of rehab and on the loose! Now he can get down to the important business of realizing he has nothing in common with his wife aside from Australianism. Divorcewatch begins now.

• Mischa kini.

• Brad and Angelina rescue orphans from life-threateningly dangerous foreign countries only to move them to . . . life threateningly dangerous American cities.

• The Beckhams are coming! The Beckhams are coming! And they're bringing nipples!

• Keeley Hazell seems to have lost her dignity along with her garments.

• There will be a formal inquest into the death of Anna Nicole's son, around the same time she will be forced to have her baby undergo a paternity test so we can find out if the father is her glassy-eyed money-grubbing lawyer/houseboy or the frosted-tipped money-grubbing paparazzo. And then she will find out that Larry Birkhead was her brother all along, and that she has a twin who faked her death, and that she actually has been suffering from amnesia this whole time, and is a Russian czarina!

• Halle Berry gives herself a titty twister. Why? Shrug. Just cuz.

• Paula Abdul explains away her recent Michael J. Foxish television appearances, and says she takes being a role model seriously. Too bad nobody else takes her seriously as a role model. more »

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August 15, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Two Princes

• Who wears short shorts? Jessica Simpson wears short shorts. Heyyyyy. Nice mons pubis.

• Given the choice, Nick Lachey would rather be stuck on a desert island with Satan than with his supremely vile former father-in-law, Papa Joe Simpson. That makes 6 billion of us, Nick.

• Kate Moss might as well face that she's addicted to Pete Doherty. She wishes she knew how to quit him. Brokecrack Mountain?

• Another Doherty--Shannen--angrily hung up on a Newsweek reporter after being asked about her fiery, Naomi-Campbell-like, fired-from-Spelling-shows days. God, you run over a boyfriend 15 years ago and you never hear the end of it!

• "Christina Milian" kind of rhymes with "this tiny little thong". Sorta.

• The divorce gets ugly: Travis Barker questions his estranged wife Shanna Moakler's parenting skills, booze intake, nail salon visits, and open-door vagina policy . . . on his MySpace blog! We can't wait until she hits back with a string of vitriolic friend comments and some extra-hot profile pics taken in the bathroom mirror.

• Keith Urban, pre-tooth job looks an awful lot like Limahl of Kajagoogoo fame.

• Note to Nicole Richie: when size 000 bikini bottoms start to look like droopy adult sumo diapers, it might be time to try a cruller or something.

• One, two, princes kneel before you/thats what I said, now/princes, princes who adore you/just go ahead, now/William has a cosmo in his hand/that sounds great, now/Harry said he wants to honk your mam, now/aint in his head, now.

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June 29, 2006

The Honeymoon Crashers

After their marriage, Nicole Kidman and her new husband, crooning outback troubadour Keith Urban, jetted to a remote, staggeringly expensive, extremely private resort on the island of Bora Bora. Picture it: You're arguably the world's most famous actress, you've just pulled of a smooth wedding, you're heading to a tropical locale away from the prying eyes of the public, you've hired a team of jet-skiing bodyguards to patrol the area, and you're met with . . . the infamous Eva Longoria, staying mere steps from your private cabin, banging gongs and knocking on your door asking to borrow a cup of sugar and offering you marital aids from her vast private stash. more »

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June 26, 2006

Here Comes the Botox

For the past week or two all we heard about was the impending wedding of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. And we really didn't care. So what's changed now that they have officially become international superstar and househusband? Nothing really, but as that was really the only thing that happened over the weekend, we thought we'd suck it up for you, our wedding-obsessed wrapped-up-in-lace-with-a-bow-on-top super gay readers. Oh wait, our readers are pervy dirty old men who like to look at twenty-year-old celebrity nipples. Well, fuck, it's too late to find a new story now. more »

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June 01, 2006

Cold Fish Mountain

You know that look Nicole Kidman always seems to have, the one that says, "I'm a frigid bitch with a stick up my ass, don't even try to make me smile because my botoxed face might crack"? Well, for now at least there's a reason behind that look: Girl's not getting laid. more »

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May 22, 2006

Did Nicole Ever Tell Keith He's Her Hero?

So Nicole Kidman is marrying outback troubador Keith Urban, and it seems the pair have stepped back into 1990 and booked Bette Midler to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" at the ceremony. Afterwards, everyone will feast on an Olestra cake, talk about the collapse of the Soviet Union, and slip the shoulder pads out of their party dresses to do the Electric Slide. more »

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November 17, 2005

This Week in Celebrity Couplings: Who's Porking Who

There's a chill in the air and the holidays are nearly upon us, so naturally celebrities are pairing off and trying to keep warm with marathon humping sessions. Hey, it's more practical than padding their bodies with a healthy layer of fat for insulation and risk landing only roles as the perpetually single friend of the slim and sexy star. We've got engagements between Nicole Kidman and a non-Kenny Chesney country star and Kimberly Stewart and some dude from some MTV show that our fourteen-year-old cousin really likes, Leonardo DiCaprio filling his Gisele void with some saggy Kirsten Dunst tit, and oh so much more. more »

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