filed under: Keith Richards

• If you're "board", Elle MacPherson in a bikini will make you whip up a batch of your own sex wax. Har de har. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Someone give Renee Zellweger a part in Bridget Jones 3, stat. (Yeeeah!)

• Paris Hilton rubs her nipple on a bear. (Egotastic!)

• Madonna: arms of an ultimate fighter, hands of an ancient oak tree. (Cityrag)

• Owen Wilson's funnyman exterior belies the coketacular pain within. (GlossLip)

• Diora Baird stars in the upcoming film Young People Fucking. How cryptic. What could that possibly be about? (The Blemish)

• Keira Knightley is all, "Being famous sucks. I'm ugly. Tits." (Daily Stab)

• Fergie's got it coming out of both ends now. (Dlisted)

• Not satisfied with ingesting nicotine the old-fashioned way, Keith Richards eats a cigarette onstage. Next up in is quest for a new buzz: ketamine eye wash and crack rock earplugs. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

• Jake Gyllenhaal has a new beard! And a new girlfriend. So that's . . . two . . . beards. Yeah.

• Ashlee Simpson and her freshly minted honker show some Ash-crack.

• And Jessica Simpson nearly put her dog through the scanner at an airport security checkpoint. In related news, she's still a big dummy.

• Lindsay Lohan still attempting to resurrect 1988 leggings. Next up, LiLo will singlehandedly bring back Fido Dido gear.

• See Kiefer. See Kiefer drink. See Kiefer drink and drop trou.

• Keith Richards may never perform again. Promise?

The nature of this blogging business, see, is that celebrities do dumb crap, and then we come on this thing and write a funny about it. But the real treat is when a story can stand on its own, without any help from the Statler and Waldorf that is CelebNewsWire. Without further ado, we give you Keith Richards Falls Out of Palm Tree and Bonks His Dome. Sit back and let that visual wash over you. Now that, gentle reader, is comedy.

• Natalie Portman: Last of the Mohicans.

• Dear Russell Crowe: PLEASE PUNCH US. WE NEED THE CASH.

• Scar-Jo and Josh Hartnett (Jo-Ho?) move in together! Eh, it's destined to fail. "Scarlett Hartnett" just sounds so douchey.

• Fleck's million-pound pits.

• Annie Hall is porking Ted "Theodore" Logan.

• Ohhhh, when Keef says Mick has a laughably tiny weenis, that's supposed to be a compliment. We see, we see.

• Does a rapper sire twelve billion babies and have two wives? Mos Def!

Teeny weiners are the new black. And Mick is the new Jude. more »