filed under: Keeley Hazell

• You better vote! Or else Jessica Alba will devour your spleen. (Yeeeah!)

• Christina Milian upskirt. No labes, plenty of moundage. (Bossip)

• Britney Spears visits elementary school; gently lays boob on 4th grader's arm. (Cityrag)

• Megan Fox describes herself as a "man with a vagina". (Daily Stab)

• Diora Baird in Maxim. Thanks for photoshopping those nipples out, Maxim. We almost got turned on there for a second. (Derek Hail)

• Heather Locklear's DUI arrest was maybe a frame job! Dun dun DUN! (Bitten and Bound)

• Top 10 sexiest Keeley Hazell videos of all time. (Unibrow)

• Veronica, why are you pulling my dick? ME, and Martha DUMPTRUCK? Because I can be. Get crucial, she was dialing suicide hotlines in her diapers. Holy shit, we'll CRUCIFY her! Shannen "Heather Duke" Doherty spreads her gams and holds a bottle of cider over her poon for Details. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Jessica Simpson gives good blow-up doll face. (Fatback)

Being Americans and all, we're not exactly sure what this Nuts magazine is all about. Going by the title, one might assume that it was a testicle fetish thing, but using our amazing powers of deduction, we can infer it's mostly about Keeley Hazell's gargantuan breasts. Thus, they should call it Chest Nuts. Or maybe Cat Fancy, that's a nice name.

Step into the cut to fill your eyes with front butt! more »

In case you were wondering what award-winning actress Keeley Hazell has been up to lately, the answer is "the usual". The usual being two gigantic, succulent skin domes filled with a milky fluid. Underneath the word "NUTS". Good luck with that whole masturbating thing!

After the cut, the boobs sans the word "splendid" over them. more »

• Elizabeth Hurley's colossal cleavage never seems to age. Baffling! (The Blemish)

• Amy Winehouse and her imprisoned husband: they're either going to be "together forever", or she's cheating on him and will be forced to give him three million dollars. Either way, she's screwed. (Female First)

• Tom Cruise was once Cher's bagel boy. And by that, we mean he spread his cream on her hole. Wait, no. The other way around. (Hollywood Grind)

• 'Scuse me while I kiss this dong. Move over, Marilyn, it's the Jimi Hendrix sex tape! Does he play a right-handed vagina left-handed? Watch and find out.(I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Disney says that we won't be seeing much of Miley Cyrus in the wake of her "nude" photo "controversy". Unless she's in a full body condom with a scarlet letter on it. (The Hollywood Gossip)

• Hulk Hogan uses suntan oil . . . to lube up daughter Brooke Hogan's crotch? Miley, what have you wrought with your suggestive posing and infectious pop grooves? The whole world's gone crazy! (Drunken Stepfather)

• Leah Remini's daughter is an asshole. (Derek Hail)

• When John Travolta notices that his new facial hair configuration looks like two porn star landing strips, he will squeal, "Ew, get it off, get it offffff!" (Yeeeah!)

• Keeley Hazell. Dancing. In her undies. (Holy Taco)

• Former Full House fox Lori Loughlin joins the cast of the new improved 90210. It's like 1990 all over again. (Hollywire)

We are very excited about this whole Scarlett Johansson nipple thing, honest we are, but we feel that Scarjo's sheer bazoomyness is detracting from today's other fantastically racked lady, Keeley Hazell. What's that you say? You've never heard of Keeley Hazell? Sure, she's British and her only film role to date was in Cashback, a movie few people saw, but that's really no excuse. You have no business perving on these internets if you are not willing to seek out new and exotic breasts. And, boy, has Keeley got some great ones. Mr. Skin even named hers Best Breasts of all of 2007. That means in one entire year no other naked lady was able to surpass Keeley's knockout knockers. But enough talk. You want to see those torpedoes, don't you? All right, we give in. After the cut, Keeley takes a peely. more »

• Keeley Hazell makes Breast Actress, Mr. Skin makes The Sun. (The Sun)

• Angelina's having a girl, and she's having her in France! Freedom birth! (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Non, non! She is having deux bebes! Having zem in L'Etats-Unis! Oui oui oui! (FemaleFirst)

• Lohan dons crotch-strangling short shorts in February, because she is dedicated to her craft. The craft of being a saucy harlot. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Nicole Richie shows off her new baby. Quick, see the tiny cuteness before Rachel Zoe gives her gifts of Hoodia and hair extensions. (Celebitchy)

• Wisely realizing that her infamous recent nudie shots were the most popular thing she's ever done, Lindsay contemplates a future as a naked Marilyn Monroe impersonator. (Daily Stab)

• Kate Hudson coaxes butterscotch stallion Owen Wilson away from suicidal depression with a sugar cube, some carrots, and her vagina. (The Blemish)

• Lily Allen upskirts with cheeky results. (Taxi Driver)

• Now we know why Juliette Lewis has been wearing headbands all the time--they magically hold her nipples in. See what goes down when she goes without. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Awwww. Peter Andre soooo sweeeepy! Poor little guy's all tuckered out. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

• See where Megan Fox's tattooed ode to David Silver is located on her body. (Popoholic)

• Rachel Bilson owns underwear, and wants you to know all about it. (The Rad Report)

• Heath Ledger's autopsy proved to be "inconclusive". (The Hollywood Gossip)

• However, cops are saying that drug packets were found in his room, along with a $20 bill rolled up in a "suspicious" fashion. Maybe it was origami-folded into the shape of Snidely Whiplash! (TMZ)

• Possibly the last picture of Heath taken (very Depp!), on the set of his movie, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Which sounds like a poor man's Dr. Magorium's Wonder Imporium. (Derek Hail)

• Sylvester Stallone says that he's nothing but a "tiny fairy". Don't do 'roids, kids. (FemaleFirst)

• The fat kid from Stand By Me is not only married to Rebecca Romijn, he does a high-larious Tom Cruise iimpression. (Yeeeah!)

• Keeley Hazell is pretty. She has big breasts. Let us gaze upon her image and swell with joy and erectile tissue. (Popoholic)

• Whoops! Guess she said "no, no, no" after all. Fantastic, we wouldn't have wanted her to harm the integrity of her hit single. (A Socialite's Life)

• Rihanna, half naked, covered in water. Insert obligatory "Umbrella" joke. (Cityrag)

• Attention, France! Your do not have supermodel-singer Carla Bruni as a first lady. Haha, France! In your face! You lose! Although you do produce very delicious breads and cheeses and berets. We'll give you that much, France. (Celeb Warship)

• Here is a list of Oscar nominations. Not only are we witty and rich and can bench 550 pounds, we're helpful, too! (Allie Is Wired)

Although a Brit with breasts the size of ATV tires (tyres?), Keeley Hazell hasn't the inherent trashiness of a Jordan, nor the Billy Zaniness of a Kelly Brook. But she does have their willingness to show off her torso tonnage often, and with zeal, and for that we feel compelled to salute her by making her recent Zoo magazine nudie shoot our Sexy Lady Story today. The accompanying article quotes Keeley herself as saying, ". . . there have been a lot of nice things written about me on American celebrity blogs," so basically, we're just doing our part to maintain the status quo. After the cut, JUGGZ! more »

When you imagine which young, single, hot girl you would most like to share your dangly bits with, names like Jessica (either Alba or Biel will do) or Scarlett might come to mind. But in the FHM offices they want nothing more than to drive their collective Downtown Train into Kimbo Stewart. Hey, Joe Francis did declare her a better fuck than Tara Reid. That's something, right? more »

• You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, or you can call me Ray J, or you can call me the penis in the Kim Kardashian sex tape, but ya doesn't hafta call me Whitney Houston's new boy toy. Oh wait, yes you do.

• Friends think Britney is pregnant again because she is bloated, barfy, and "relaxed and happy". Sounds more like a few too many mangotinis to us.

• Keith Urban is out of rehab and on the loose! Now he can get down to the important business of realizing he has nothing in common with his wife aside from Australianism. Divorcewatch begins now.

• Mischakini.

• Brad and Angelina rescue orphans from life-threateningly dangerous foreign countries only to move them to . . . life threateningly dangerous American cities.

• The Beckhams are coming! The Beckhams are coming! And they're bringing nipples!

• Keeley Hazell seems to have lost her dignity along with her garments.

• There will be a formal inquest into the death of Anna Nicole's son, around the same time she will be forced to have her baby undergo a paternity test so we can find out if the father is her glassy-eyed money-grubbing lawyer/houseboy or the frosted-tipped money-grubbing paparazzo. And then she will find out that Larry Birkhead was her brother all along, and that she has a twin who faked her death, and that she actually has been suffering from amnesia this whole time, and is a Russian czarina!

• Halle Berry gives herself a titty twister. Why? Shrug. Just cuz.

• Paula Abdul explains away her recent Michael J. Foxish television appearances, and says she takes being a role model seriously. Too bad nobody else takes her seriously as a role model. more »

England is a weird, magical, far-off land where ring tones by be-donged cartoon frogs can become #1 on the pop charts and all the men are jug-eared, tombstone-toothed, knobby twits while all the ladies are gargantuan-breasted and of dubious fame. Although no one will ever take the place of our beloved Jordan, Keeley Hazell and her regulation tetherball-sized--and seemingly unaugmented--breasts are high up on the list. A personal, private sex tape involving her distributing a hearty horn-polishing to a faceless male has surfaced (Unbelievably NSFW caps and clips and cans and clits at IDLYITW), causing men across Britain to joyously throw scones in the air, yell "cor blimey, guv'nah!" and dunk their uncircumcised penises into boiling pots of tea. That's what people do in England, right? more »