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filed under: Katie Holmes

September 04, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Harry Potter and the Underaged Bone

christina_ricci_hot_bikini.jpg• Get a black snake bone. Look at Christina Ricci in a bikini. (The Blemish)

Keira Knightley was attacked by a wandering expletive-spewer and lived to tell the tale. (Yeeeah!)

• Being the concubine of Marilyn Manson, Evan Rachel Wood is used to standing next to undead ghouls, so she looks right at home beside Mickey Rourke. (CelebWarship)

Hilary Swank will gain 30 pounds for a movie role. Which is cool because we also plan on gaining 30 pounds, basically because Totino's Pizza Rolls are on sale at Safeway. Solidarity! (Daily Stab)

• Ay oh! Oh ay! Whaddaya doin', Samanter? It's Alyssa Milano naked! (Mr. Skin)

• Another male has willingly placed his wango inside of Star Jones. (Holy Taco)

• Daniel Radcliffe admits when he was a teen, his magic wand found its way into a cougar's Hairy Pooter. (Derek Hail)

Holly Madison take a carefree swing, and tosses out some beav. (Drunken Stepfather)

Lacey Chabert gives us a party of two. (Fatback)

Katie Holmes has the knees of a three dollar hooker. Or that girl Tammy who was voted "friendliest" in tenth grade. (Cityrag)

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August 06, 2008

Where's Your B.U.M. Equipment Shirt, Katie?

katie_holmes_jeans.jpgHere we see lovely actress/Tom Cruise odalisque Katie Holmes looking remarkably like her husband's Top Gun character with a jaunty short haircut and shades. Another relic from 1986: the cuffs on Katie's oversized baggies. Which started a heated debate in the CelebNewsWire offices. One of us says that this style is called "tight-rolling", while another maintains it's "French cuffs". Regardless, if Katie turns around and her butt doesn't say Palmetto's or Generra, then we give up. more »
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May 01, 2008

Katie Holmes Goes to Camp

tomkathold.jpgWhen we last left Katie Holmes, she was entertaining the idea of possibly taking a short jaunt to New York City to star in a Broadway play for a change of scenery. That obviously went over really well with husband Tom Cruise, because he sent her away for a nice spa weekend. A nice spa weekend at Scientology HQ, with manicure of bamboo under the fingernails and facials of water torture. Scoops Star:
Katie was recently secluded for three days at Gold Base, the remote, supersecret Scientology compound in Hemet, Calif., where she was put through a demanding schedule. "It included various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes," a Scientology insider reveals. "Tom insists that auditing and purification practices are incredibly beneficial to Scientologists at all levels." Katie's intensive Scientology training and treatments have been accelerated in recent weeks, says another source, because she wanted to go to New York City without Tom to star in a Broadway play. But Tom stepped in and put the kibosh on her plans. And now Katie's been going in for a series of intensive auditing sessions, some which have lasted for 36 hours straight - with little sleep or food."
We're not sure which part of this story is less plausible, the physically challenging purification processes or the fact that Scientology has a super-secret evil lair. Is it hidden in the side of a mountain or in the bottom of the ocean? Is it overseen by L. Ron Hubbard's reanimated brain, which hisses, "I'll get you next time, Holmes! Next time!" while stroking MAD Cat? more »
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April 17, 2008

Katie Holmes Attempts to Break Free of Cruisean Shackles

tom_thumb_giant_katie.jpgIt's been nigh on a fortnight since we've heard any news about the bangs-sporting, marathon-faking, lift-wearing entity known as TomKat. It seems that the formerly ubiquitous gossip stories about Katie Holmes crying and staring forlornly out of tower windows, Rapunzel-style, have been overtaken by ones about Heidi Montag's favorite brand of mustard, so we're delighted to bring you today's tale, courtesy of Star:
According to our sources, Katie, who was offered a role on Broadway, is trying to break away from her controlled life under the watchful eyes of her husband and move to Manhattan in what will be a sort of trial separation.

"She desperately needs to be on her own for a while, but there's no way Tom Cruise is going to let her take Suri away," an insider tells Star. "There's no way he'll allow it. He just doesn't want Katie — or Suri — out of his sight for long. He told her that if she goes to New York, fine, but he goes with her."
Tom's just jealous. Because he would love to go away to New York. Just go and . . . romp . . . and play . . . and just . . . do that. There are times he'd like to do that. But he can't because . . . he knows. He knows. more »
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March 04, 2008

Katie Holmes Thinks Victoria Beckham Is Trashy, Orange

katie holmes posh spice.jpg In the world of celebrity BBFs, there must occasionally be causalities. Where once we had the undying mutual admiration of Paris and Nicole or Kid and Play, we now have nothing. No shining beacons to teach us how to love platonically. It is a sad, sad world that cannot sustain such friendships, but it's an even sadder world that lets such a strong shared love of fancy ass clothes go to waste as it has with Katie Holmes and Posh Spice. If famous people can't unite over fashion, what else is there? Star reports (via Celebitchy):
It’s arctic between Katie Holmes and her fashion mentor, Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham, and a source tells Star that it’s all because of a tattoo! Thrilled with her latest tat [on the inside of her wrist] of the Latin phrase “De Integro” - it means “afresh” - Posh urged BFF Katie to get inked herself. Posh, who got this fifth one to mark her new start in the U.S., “was pretty shocked and upset” when the Mad Money actress called such body art trashy, says the source.
We know that Katie Holmes is really just Vicky the Robot all grown up, dolled up in Chanel and Armani, and programmed to say nothing but "Tom Cruise," "Suri," "beautiful," and a handful of synonyms for wonderful, so naturally she's all prim class. But it's 2008, girl. Even our grandma has a tat. We think it says "Born to ride me," but the wrinkles make it a little difficult to read. If you're going to slag on Posh for being trashy, at least make it about her half-coconut-shell tits.
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January 30, 2008

Just How Much Frozen Hubbard Sperm Is the Celebrity Center Hoarding?

katie holmes pregnant basketball.jpg Break out your Swarovski-studded celebratory e-meters and get ready to party like it's Xenu's last stand, cause Katie Holmes is baking up super baby overlord number 2! Whooooo! The Sydney Morning Herald reports:
Katie Holmes has fuelled rumours she is pregnant by buying a "Big Sister" t-shirt for daughter Suri.

The Batman Begins star visited Los Angeles baby boutique Petit Tresor with Suri - her 21-month-old daughter with husband Tom Cruise - where she spent over $2000 on baby clothes.

A source said: "Katie ordered loads of cute girlie spring dresses for Suri.

But she also bought a pink t-shirt which said 'Big Sister' and two matching romper suits, one which said 'Little Sister' and one which said 'Little Brother'."
Way to jump on a trend there, Katie. What's next, exhaustion? Rehab? Tights as pants?

One definite upside to Katie's festering fetus is another career hiatus, as her recent return to work wasn't too successful. And she's pissed. Reports Woman's Day (via Celebitchy):
A distraught Katie Holmes has stormed out of a crisis meeting with her husband Tom Cruise, furious over damaging publicity about his Scientology beliefs, and humiliated over the disastrous reaction to the movie he told her to make.

The actress is said to be inconsolable after a string of leaked Scientology videos, featuring her husband saluting a portrait of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, declaring war on psychiatry and claiming that members of his religion are “the only ones who can really help” accident victims, have flooded the Internet and divided Hollywood.

“Oh, I’m going hard on those guys and their reign … psychiatrists,” says Tom in one disturbing video. “It’s disgusting to me. No mercy … none. Psychiatry doesn’t work… When you study the effects, it’s a crime against humanity.” … after this new scandal she can no longer ignore the Hollywood backlash.
Ugh, whatever. Who is Katie to complain? Before Tommy came along she was starring in First Daughter. Sure, she had a major part in a huge superhero movie that people actually liked, but really you could have put a chaise lounge in the part with pretty much the same effect. And now she's one of the biggest stars in the world, and the only effort she has to make is to restrain herself from screaming "Save me! He makes me drink pigeon blood every night!" while shoe shopping at Barney's. We'd say that's an okay trade-off. Who needs hit movies when you've got Paris fashion week with Posh?
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January 22, 2008

Tom Cruise's New Strategy: Deprive Katie of Flavor

tom cruise katie homes leaving hotel.jpg Why does Katie Holmes look so dour all the time? Is she sick of her husband always cackling in her ear and mumbling about KSW? Did she find out what KSW means and is now afraid she'll be assassinated? Do her ankle restraints pinch her skin? Nope, she's just really hungry. An insider told the UK's Daily Star:
Katie has had a hectic few months and as well as running around after Suri, she has been juggling work with a strict exercise plan.

The diet called the ‘KH’ diet –for Katie Holmes –consists of a bowl of carrot soup for breakfast, followed by raw broccoli for lunch and dinner.

Obviously Katie has a small amount of protein with the broccoli such as steamed tofu, or fish, but the green superfood is the key.

She and Tom are buying organic broccoli by the bucket-load. Katie loves running at the moment and has been jogging a lot of late.
Damn, that's a lot of fiber. Maybe it's not the hunger after all. Maybe that look is a result of Katie constantly flexing her sphincter to prevent the release of a deluge of diarrhea.
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January 17, 2008

More Tom Cruise Xenu Videos: Now Even Wilder; Woolier

cruise_thumb.jpgOur Tom Cruise Scientological Claptrap Video story has proven to be the most popular of 2008 Q1 (said vid has been removed from YouTube, but you can still watch it at Gawker), so we felt it was only right and natural to bring you the other sections of the bone-chillingly riveting ceremony. LISTEN with rapture as the overzealous announcer gives a five minute introduction proclaiming Tom to be the best OT Clear who has ever graced our humble planet with his presence! WATCH in wonder as Tom salutes the giant, Lenin-esque portrait of L. Ron Hubbard staring down upon his gullible minions! OBSERVE utter hilarity as Tom Cruise is proven to be the one man who can--and did!--save New York City after 9/11!

And the chuckles don't stop there, folks. According to Celebitchy, some folks now think that Katie Holmes faked her fabled New York Marathon finish, and that she actually had someone run it for her. We saw that on an episode of According to Jim once. You know, we thought something was a little suspicious when Katie crossed that finish line in a zero-support shelf-bra tank top with no sign of blood or nip chafing in sight. Christ, even Pete Doherty's been guarding his perky B-cups with an underwire Olga.
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January 07, 2008

Shocking New Book Alleges Tom Cruise Is Wacky Cult Leader

tom cruise gives the thumbs up.jpg So you know all those things you've heard about Tom Cruise being a crazy loony mental patient who does nothing all day but mutter under his breath "I love L. Ron. L. Ron is God" and stare at the author's photo on the back of Dianetics? Someone said, "What the hell, I can sell that" and wrote a book. Finally, we can claim to have more journalistic integrity than someone. PageSix.com reports:
A new book by Princess Diana's biographer makes some astonishing claims about Tom Cruise and the hold that Scientology has over every aspect of his life.

In Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography, Andrew Morton launches an extraordinary attack on the Top Gun star — and on those closest to him, including his little daughter, Suri.

The U.K.'s Daily Mail has revealed some of the more scandalous allegations that Morton makes in the book:

* Tom's daughter with Katie Holmes, Suri, was conceived like Rosemary's Baby, a film "in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil's child." Morton claims that some "fanatical" Scientologists believe that Suri is the result of a sperm donation by Scientology's dead founder, L. Ron Hubbard.

* Morton implies that Scientology executives contributed to the failure of Tom's marriage to Nicole Kidman. He writes that because Nicole's father was a psychologist (a science said to be frowned upon by the religion) and that she had given an interview emphasizing her roots as a Catholic that she would "compromise Tom's commitment to his faith." When the couple split in 2000, Morton claims that Nicole was worried that she might not be able to see the two children the couple had adopted (Isabella and Conor). He also states that she was worried that her Scientology "audit" tapes, which contained details of her sex life, might be leaked if she spoke out. * The author says that Penelope Cruz's father, Eduardo, feared that his daughter would be drawn into a "cult" while she dated her Vanilla Sky co-star, and "emailed an organization devoted to helping cult members and their families."

* Morton says that Tom's current mission is to recruit David and Victoria Beckham. The 45-year-old took Scientology leader David Miscavige to a Real Madrid game in 2004 and when the Beckhams moved to Los Angeles in July last year, he threw them a celebratory party.

Tom's longtime lawyer Bert Fields spoke to the Daily Mail about the book, describing it as "a pack of lies." He said that the tome is "poorly researched and badly written, and it's not really even about Tom Cruise — it's an attack on Scientology." He also said that Morton hasn't spoken to him, Tom's mother, sister, Paula Wagner (Tom's producing partner), his agent, wives, David Beckham, Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez or any of the famous directors he's worked with.

While the book isn't being published in the U.K., readers in the U.S. will have a chance to judge for themselves when it is published Stateside on January 15.
What, that's it? What's so scandalous about that? It doesn't even mention anything about Katie Holmes's contract or about the eighteen-year-old rent boy Tom keeps hidden in the basement (we may have made up that last one, but we have the Mortonian spirit this morning). If you're going to pick a pack of unsubstantiated rumors to populate your trashy book, why not pick the really interesting ones? We already know that Tom is culty crazy number two and that he wants the Beckhams to help his recruiting efforts. This is pretty boring stuff. That's why in our unauthorized Tom Cruise biography (TK as soon as why can find good blackmail material on a Random House staffer, hopefully spring '09) we'll focus on Tom and Katie's sham relationship, her big payoff, and the possibility that either former Katie schtupper Chris Klein or Tommy cousin and Lost creepy William Mapother is actually Suri's dad, with special totally fictional drawings of what we assume Katie's nightly lockdown looks like (a windowless room, leg shackles--which would explain all those wide-legged pants--and an endless supply of celery sticks and Scientological literature).
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December 20, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: David Silver's Best Gal

megan_fox_tongue.jpgMegan Fox seems to have misplaced her shirt. We all win! (Egotastic!)

Brad Pitt thinks that orphans come from his anus. (Allie Is Wired)

Britney's not the only one who enjoys mama's lollipops in front of Sean and JJ. Only Daddy's lollipops come in a pretty glass container and smell funny. (Yeeeah!)

Fergie is coming clean about her dirtied drawers. (Cityrag)

Ashley Tisdale's new nose gives you glad tidings. (Drunken Stepfather)

Britney proves she owns undies. (Taxi Driver)

Tony Parker is not just French, he's litigious. Doubly obnoxious! (Daily Stab)

Tom Cruise's older children call Katie Holmes "Mom". They call Tom "Intergalactic Overlord Patriarchal Cyborg Unit #6599202B". (Celebitchy)

Tara Reid sports a bikini. And what appears to be Ashton Kutcher's trucker hat from 2002. (The Blemish)

Monica Bellucci has thingies. They're, like, round things. Kind of pinkish? They're a little bit below her collarbone. You know, whosiwhatsits. (Hollywood Tuna)

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November 05, 2007

Katie Holmes Still Can't Run Fast Enough to Escape

katie holmes new york marathon.jpg We're a bit confused with this whole "Katie Holmes ran the New York Marathon" thing. We see pictures of her nearly every day. And she's always dressed in Chanel or some such, tweeds and heels and wide-legged pants. Never have we seen jogging shoes or anything containing spandex. But supposedly she'd been training for the race for three months. Is the Cruise compound so huge that they have a simulated marathon course on the grounds? And are the compound's restrictive walls completely impenetrable, even to the telephoto lens? But no matter, she did it. Perhaps through the miracle of L. Ron's undying love. IMDB reports:
Actress Katie Holmes wowed runners at the New York Marathon on Sunday when she joined them en route, unannounced. Wearing the number F127, a baseball cap, purple vest and black leggings, the Batman Begins star looked like any other runner on the 26.2 mile race route. But her anonymity ended when proud husband Tom Cruise - holding the couple's daughter Suri in his arms - insisted on a kiss as Holmes hit the final stretch of the marathon in Central Park. The actress completed the marathon with a final time of five hours, 29 minutes and 58 seconds. Looking as fresh as she did when she started the marathon, superfit Holmes was overheard giggling, "Here I am baby, signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours," as she ran into her husband's arms at the finish line. Proud Cruise revealed, "She's very inspired. She trained for three months."
"Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours"? Do the Cruises only speak to each other in song clichés? Did Tom then break into a medley of "I Ran," "I Will Always Love You," and "Mr. Roboto"? We have a suspicion that if Katie's contract gets renewed and they remain a couple into their golden years they will be the types who only refer to each other as Mother and Father and wear matching holiday sweatshirts. Although it's also possible that by that point Katie will be so sick of being married to a cracked closet case that she'll just be the old lady in layers and layers of diamonds who always has a martini in her hand. more »
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October 17, 2007

Suri Spoiled by Scientology

suri sneaks stealthily.jpg Have you ever wondered what's involved in a Scientological upbringing? Do you think it's all 18-hour auditing sessions and "yes master"s and "I denounce my thetans" and "I did not see Daddy tongue kissing John Travolta in the herb garden"? US Weekly assures us that it's, oh, so much more.
Everyone knows that Suri Cruise, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ adorable little daughter, leads a charmed existence but her upbringing as a Scientologist remains largely a mystery. How does the religion started by L. Ron Hubbard influence Suri’s life on a daily basis?

Us Weekly has learned that while Suri -- who as a baby was breastfed and nursed on a mixture of barley water, milk and corn syrup which Hubbard advocated as being healthier than formula and breast milk -- is too young to take classes at the Scientology Centre, the 18-month-old is constantly surrounded by believers, including her two nannies.

“Tom doesn’t like associating with people who aren’t Scientologists,” says an insider.

Additionally, Holmes, 29, and Cruise, 45, have a hard time saying no to Suri. But it’s not simply because they’re pushovers.

“It’s all about being positive and supportive,” says the couple’s friend (Hubbard advised parents to “try to be the child’s friend.”) As for discipline, one former church member tells Us that Scientologists do not scold their children, but instead explain that bad behavior (like throwing a toy) is the “wrong action.” (A Scientology rep tells Us, “How a parent disciplines their child is left up to the parent.”)

Cruise and Holmes, says their pal, are very lenient and do not like to give Suri too many rules: “Suri pretty much does whatever she wants, whenever she wants. If she fusses before bed, they let her stay up later. If they want her to go swimming and she cries, they’ll take her out. If she whines about food, they’ll ask her what else she wants to eat. They always want to please her.”
So Suri's growing up wearing $500 Chanel diapers, drinking the infant version of Red Bull, and never hearing the word no. We're just going to start calling her Veruca Salt right now in preparation.
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September 25, 2007

Tom Cruise Baking "Welcome to the Neighborhood" Snickerdoodles for Xenu

tom cruise gives thumbs up.jpg Get ready, children, Xenu is coming! He's gonna do stuff and kill things and be mean and it'll be bad. But don't worry; all of L. Ron's work to warn us of the dangers of Xenu and the coming Apocalypse will not be in vain, thanks to Tom Cruise and his mountains and mountains of money and fortunate foresight. According to Star magazine (via Celebitchy):
Devout Scientologist Tom Cruise plans to build a $10 million bunker under his Telluride, Colorado, mansion, a source tells Star! Equipped with a high tech air-purifying system, “it’s a self-contained underground system where up to 10 people can survice for years.” Apparently, Scientologists believe that the evil deposed galatic [sic] ruler Xenu is set to attack Earth, and they’ll need a safe place to survive.
$10 million may seem like a lot of money to spend on a doomsday bunker, but when you think about all the advanced fertility equipment involved that will assure Tom that he can repopulate the earth without ever actually having to touch Katie's own underground bunker, it's quite a bargain.
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August 29, 2007

Camp Hubbard: Eradicating Thetans Since 1978 (Horseback Riding Since 1993)

tom and connor cruise.jpg Your summer camp experience probably included lots of impromptu booger-eating contests, making macramé Kleenex cosies for your mom, and trying to trick the girls into skinny-dipping. At Tom Cruise's kids' summer camp, they learn how to purge their bodies of alien impurities and earn enough money so that giving up sixty percent of your income to further L. Ron's message doesn't seem like a really big deal. Oh, and for those little boys who spend all their time in the crafts lodge bedazzling their scarf collection, there's a special workshop on suppressing your unnatural urges. more »
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August 08, 2007

French Law Prohibits Creepy in Nightclubs, Tomkat Denied

tom and katie jet ski.jpg In America there is a well-defined celebrity hierarchy. Your Kristin Cavallaris and your Kim Kardashians can get into clubs when there's room in the VIP section, but once a Lindsay or a Britney or a Paris arrives it's back to the Gap-clad masses with those other girls. But they do things a bit differently in France. Nothing short of the reanimated corpse of Maurice Chevalier will get a Frenchy to push aside a paying customer. Not even Tom and Katie. Our own personal bouncer, FemaleFirst, reports:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were left red-faced after being refused entry to a St. Tropez nightclub on Friday (03.08.07).

The Hollywood couple were turned away from the Byblos Hotel's Caves Du Roi club after being told there was no room for them in the VIP area, where other stars including P. Diddy were already partying.

Club bouncers refused to let Tom and Katie into the club when they arrived at 11pm, despite pleas from the pair's security, who reportedly said: "Are you serious? It's Tom Cruise."

A club source explained: "The VIP area was full and the management weren't willing to move the guests already there to make room for Tom.

"It wouldn't have been fair - they'd spent a fortune."

A hotel spokeswoman confirmed they turned the pair away, adding: "It would have been dangerous to allow any more people in - no matter who they were."

Tom and Katie are said to have stormed off, making their way to the VIP Room club where owner Jean Roch immediately gave them their own table.
We might harbor a general disdain for Tom and his Scientological fervor in the States, but we've got nothing on Europe. Germany likes its thetans just fine, thanks, and won't let Tommy spread his e-meters on their soil, and France has seen what happens when the Cruises hear a bumpin' Will Smith song on the dance floor.
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August 02, 2007

Just What You've Always Wanted: Tomkat Naked

Sneaky Suri.jpg Tom Cruise. Katie Holmes. Nakedness.

This is it. This is how Tom Cruise is finally going to conquer the world and convert it to one massive Scientologist state. When non-Hubbardians gaze upon the naked, entwined forms of Tom and Katie sudden blindness and/or instant death will abound, leaving those of Tom's ilk to worship Xenu in peace. Faded Youth reports:
Could Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes be planning to follow in the footsteps of BFFs David and Victoria Beckham by doing a steamy photoshoot like their recent raunchy spread for W?

A friend of the couple tells Australia’s New Weekly magazine: “They have already started planning some of the photos. One suggestion they were keen on was a shot of them posing together in the shower, dripping wet and covered by nothing but steam.”

The new parents have so far kept a rather wholesome family image in Hollywood but they also want to show off a more sensual side of their relationship.

“Tom and Katie really have amazing chemistry,” says the pal. “They want to show the world how much.”
Due to the exceedingly disturbing nature of this story, we're choosing to pair it with a delightful picture of Suri Cruise because it reminds us that no matter how much evil and downright ickiness is involved in the Tomkat union, at least one pure, adorable thing has come of it, no matter what diabolical means went into her conception or birth. Plus, we have a severely dirty mind and don't trust ourselves to not picture Tom and Katie starkers if presented with a picture of the pair. And it's almost lunchtime.
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July 25, 2007

Ew.

tom and katie dancing.jpg Afterward Tom said, "Man, Kate, that was hard work. But we did it, right? We made another baby?"

Grossness courtesy of Us Weekly, obviously.
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June 19, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: "Shahara! Shahara."

voight_jolie.jpg• Today's "Inseminated or Ugly Dress?" contestant: Katie Holmes. (Celebrity Mound)

Angelina Jolie is planning on burying the hatchet with dad Jon Voight. Maybe now, he'll finally learn Zahara's name. (FemaleFirst)

Maria Menounos nearly bares her two-nos. (Taxi Driver)

Lindy Loho has cancelled her 21rst birthday blowout. Instead, she'll celebrate by chugging Listerine in the Wonderland bathroom. Aw, that was mean. Sorry, Linds. (Celebitchy)

Beyoncekini! Beyoncekini! (Cityrag)

Jessica Alba poses sexily for Arena; still talking about how she hates being sexy. (Derek Hail)

• Yes, random stripper, we totally believe that you had a deep and meaningful love affair with George Clooney. (Allie Is Wired)

Jessica Simpson: back to blonde and Pam Andersonesque proportions. Let us celebrate. (Egotastic!)
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June 13, 2007

Those Split Ends Were Teeming with Thetans

holmes_haircut_1.jpgThe blandification of K-Hole by Tom Thumb continues. First, she trades her former girlish duds for Barney's grandma specials in varying shades of taupe, ecru, and khaki. Then, her zippy, zingy name is upgraded to the more streamlined "Kate". And now, the glorious silken mane is shaped into a soccer mom bob. Good thing, too. It's much easier to take that e-meter and penetrate her nice, moldable brain without all that hair in the way. Cruise is pleased.



holmes_haircut_2.jpg

He does have a way of taking the zazz out of his women.

pre_post_nicolejpg.jpg
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June 06, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Porking a Model is the Best Revenge

angelina_vein.jpgAngelina and Brad are thinking about adding a Czech orphan to their multi-hued brood. NO. F U. MORE SHILOH. (Derek Hail)

Brooke Hogan performs in frayed denim chaps. We haven't seen such creative scissors-meet-fabric self-styling since Billy's Squier's "Rock Me Tonite" video! (Drunken Stepfather)

Nicole Richie pregnant. Yeah, rite. (Female First)

Jennifer Aniston gets back at Brad for shacking up with Hollywood's most beautiful woman with the only possible revenge: dating a model. (Hollyscoop)

Criss Angel dedicates a magic trick to new girlfriend Cameron Diaz. Uhhh, we think that sort of romance only works with musicians dedicating songs. Then again, who knows, maybe there are dentists out there saying, "This root canal goes out to my boo, Debbie. I love you, babygirl." (Celebitchy)

Christina Aguilera and her husband. They sure do like costumes. (Hollywood Tuna)

Elle MacPherson: She's still got it! And by "it" we mean "nipples". (Taxi Driver)

Dawn Wiener's sweater puppies in Hostel 2. (Don't Link This)

The Hoff got hassled by ex-wife and cops. (Yeeeah!)

Katie Holmes threatens to bake up a fresh batch of Cruise juice into more spawn. (Glosslip)

• The Butterscotch Stallion to freely roam the plains again, whinnying and rearing and tossing his golden mane. (Lainey Gossip)
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April 19, 2007

Katie Holmes Finds Autonomy, Religion (Again)

big katie little tom.jpg Has the time finally come when Katie Holmes will break out of her gold-plated shackles like the Hulk busting out of his purple dungarees and scream, "I love Jesus, dammit, and I don't care who knows it!"? MSNBC seems to think so:
Is Katie Holmes breaking free of her hubby’s Cruise control?

The wife of the “Top Gun” star is shooting a film, “Mad Money,” in Louisiana, and while she’s away from her reportedly controlling spouse she’s “quietly reclaiming parts of her past,” according to Life & Style.

The mag reports that Holmes is reconnecting with family and friends and even secretly talking to Catholic priests. Holmes was raised a Catholic, but since her marriage, has embraced Scientology, her husband’s religion.

The “Batman Returns” star recently called a childhood pal named Meghann Birie, whom she hadn’t seen since meeting Cruise two years ago, reports L&S.

“She wanted to talk to someone not in Camp Cruise,” a friend told the mag. “Katie told Meghann she can’t believe she abandoned her old life.”

The actress hasn’t been to church lately, but is “secretly talking to pastors” for advice, and wants to enroll Suri in “kiddie Catholicism” classes, according to L&S.

What’s more, Holmes also plans to visit her hometown of Toledo, Ohio, this summer and has invited her parents to the “Mad Money” set.

“She’s trying to make amends with her family,” according to a Holmes family friend.
Just wait till Suri hears about this. She's gonna be pissed. We can see it now: Tom gently cradles baby Suri as he flings open the doors of a local Catholic church to reveal a shocked and frightened Katie sitting in the first pew discussing her favorite psalm with the priest. Then, miraculously, Suri utters not only her first word, but her first complete sentence, as she complains to Mom, "Ah, hell no. I did not go through nine months of intense inter-uterine auditing sessions just so you could pull this shit." more »
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April 12, 2007

Katie Holmes: "The Da Vinci Code Is Totally About Me Too"

katie holmes pregnant.jpg Apparently Katie Holmes's good-Catholic-mouse-to-Posh-Spice-in-five-easy-steps makeover hasn't reached completion yet, as Katie still has the ability to read books. But as soon as that transformation is complete spunky young authors the world over will be able to pen narratives about Matie Bolmes without worries. In the meantime, Katie is pissed. Reports TMZ:
Is "Hollywood Car Wash" -- the new novel about a young TV star from the Midwest who enters into a "contracted relationship" -- about Katie Holmes?

Various blogs have reported that Holmes got a copy of the book from a friend and is "furious" over it. When asked if Katie received the book, author Lori Culwell played it close to the vest; "I do know someone who knows her right now and might have given her the book," Culwell told TMZ. "I can't discuss any relationship with Katie Holmes, but I am sorry that she's upset about the book."

On her lawyer's advice, Culwell wouldn't tell us whether or not she knows Holmes, but she does maintain the book is "all based on real stories," and that "the main character is based on a person that is never, ever going to talk to me again."

"Hollywood Car Wash" is Culwell's debut novel, about a girl who lands a TV pilot and is forced to lose weight and completely change her appearance to be more marketable -- including "new teeth, blonder hair, and a megastar boyfriend with a big secret."

Holmes' rep, Ina Treciokas, flatly denies the rumors. She tells TMZ Katie has "never heard of this book, never read it and doesn't know the author."

The book has even drawn attention from a few film studios. "Three production companies are reading it for adaptation now," Culwell told us, before slyly adding, "And maybe Katie Holmes would like to play the main character." Maybe, indeed.
But, Katie, why all the fuss? Your marriage is based on the deepest true love we've ever seen. It's meaningful, committed, and everlasting, and your husband loves nothing more--not even Xenu or L. Ron--than your wondrous, magical, feminine vagina. We just don't understand why you're so mad about a book that obviously has not one thing to do with you. more »
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