filed under: Kate Beckinsale
August 20, 2008
Kate Beckinsale Reenacts Upskirt for Fun
Kate Beckinsale best watch her mouth, lest everyone start viewing her as nothing more than a gaping, brunette vagina that occasionally acts in vampire films. Reports
LiveNews (via
Celebitchy):
Underworld actress Kate Beckinsale seems to have a fairly unhealthy obsession with her own vagina. After recently comparing her nether regions to the tomb of a pharaoh, without prompting, she has now spoken about her lack of knickers at a premiere and wondering if paparazzi got any prized snaps of her downstairs area.
It was one of those nights when I wore a supertight dress that you couldnt have worn anything under, since it would have showed. The paparazzi were literally lowering their cameras like speculums when I got out of the car.
On the way home, I said to my husband Darling, I think they might have gotten it. And so when we pulled in I made him re-enact the thing with his camera - a sort of crime-scene run through. It appears I survived unscathed.
Such is the power of Kate Beckinsale's baby hole. It turns men into puddles, cameras into speculums, her husband into that sarcastic bearded guy from
CSI.
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June 16, 2008
Double Trouble for Kate Beckinsale's Butt

There are plenty of differences between you and
Kate Beckinsale. Kate lives in one of several multimillion dollar mansions; you live in an efficiency apartment above a sock emporium. Kate has a nutritionist and personal chef on her staff; your idea of healthy eating is scraping the mold off the top of the Sriracha before you pour it on your Totino's Party Pizza. However, the main difference is that Kate Beckinsale hates Kate Beckinsale's ass, while Kate Beckinsale's ass is the screensaver on your phone. According to our gossip body double,
FemaleFirst, Kate has demanded that producers of her new film
Whiteout hire a $2000/day duff double because she feels that hers is repulsive to the senses. A source says,
"Kate has a terrible self-image. She thinks she is fat and she is always complaining how certain outfits make her bottom look big. Of course, the reality is that she has the most amazing body."
We're not sure what kind of crazy backward thinking happens over there in the UK, but in OUR country, having a fat bottom
makes you a star.
Kim Kardashian,
Coco-T,
Vida Guerra. Here, splaying your blubbery ass cheeks as often as possible is considered a God-given talent on par with savant-level harp-playing and juggling chainsaws while riding a PogoBall. They're actually going to change our national symbol from a bald eagle to a big fat ass clad in velour Juicy sweatpants. It will look especially regal rendered in a quarter. USA! USA! USA!
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June 06, 2008
Kate Beckinsale Trumpets Her Vaginal Excellence
Kate Beckinsale wants you to know that she has a spectacular poon chute. Only thing is, she's too much of a lady to really go into detail, and there aren't really enough men out there who have experienced its supposedly other-worldly beauty to give us the scoop. Becks
claims:
"My best feature is unfortunately a private matter, although I'm told it is spectacular. But you can't really walk it down the red carpet. What can I say?"
But she wants to make sure that only the most adept spelunkers can explore its depths, explaining:
"I was called a slut when I split up with Michael and began seeing Len, but I've only ever had about three boyfriends. Only a handful of people have seen into the Pharaoh's Tomb!"
But this all makes us wonder: What exactly is so special about Kate's womb gate? Does she spend hours upon hours grooming it, giving it honey-oatmeal-avocado facials, applying bronzer? Yeah, probably, cause she's not spending that time perfecting Ina Garten's roasted chicken.
Im the worst wife in the cooking department. I always thought you cant be good at food and sex, but you can always order the food in. Id rather he didnt order in the sex.
In our experience, even a great cook needs to ring up Domino's every once in a while. Does Kate ever come home exhausted and say, "Honey, I don't feel like schtuping tonight; just order some take out." Is there a list of numbers on the refrigerator: Chinese, sushi, Thai, pizza, hookers?
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April 18, 2008
No Pecs Impaled for Beckinsale

Just the other day we heard children's book author/
vagina rejuvenation enthusiast
Jordan proclaim that big boobs are, like,
so 2007. Which is kind of like Britney Spears deciding that weaves are the dorkiest things since pocket protectors, but whatever. It seems that
Kate Beckinsale agrees that implants are not this season's must-have accessory, so it's all deny, deny, deny that she ever stuffed some junk in her torso.
The San Fransisco Chronicle reports:
British actress Kate Beckinsale has been "driven to despair" by rumors she has undergone breast enlargement surgery.
The "Pearl Harbor" star was reported to have opted for a figure-enhancement operation in 2005, after she was photographed sporting a noticeably larger chest.
But the 34-year-old insists her breasts grew naturally when she gained weight for her role in 2005 movie "The Aviator."
And Beckinsale has now vowed not to answer any questions about the rumored surgery, because she is sick of talking about it.
She says, "The boob job thing has driven me to despair. I'm not discussing my breasts with anyone but my husband and my daughter from now on.
"I think once you start saying, 'No, I haven't' too many times, it sounds as if you're protesting too much."
"I'm not discussing my breasts with anyone but my husband and my daughter from now on"? Just how often do you bring up your boobs when chatting with your nine-year-old offspring? When you jabber on about the buoyancy of your bazooms and their all-natural lift, does Lily yell, "Stop talking about your freakin' funbags, Mom! It's gross. And I'm trying to listen to this Hannah Montana song!" Or do your talks usually start by cracking open
this book?
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March 31, 2008
Kate Beckinsale Keeps Her Knockers Covered--for the Children
Kate Beckinsale doesn't want to whip out her Beckinboobs anytime soon so as not to upset her pre-adolescent daughter. That makes perfect sense. One should always wait until their offspring is at least in high school before flashing funbags on film. It's just proper manners. Contact Music reports (via
Celebitchy):
Kate Beckinsale has vowed never to appear naked in a movie, after she was bullied at school when her actress mum stripped on TV. The episode traumatised Beckinsale - whose mother is veteran British TV star Judy Loe - and she is determined not to subject her nine-year-old daughter Lily to the same humiliation. She tells AOL Movies, My mum was an actress, and she did a nude scene on television when I was about 9 or 10, and the crisis I had when everyone came to school the next day and told me theyd seen my mother naked just makes me kind of, you know
Im not in a big rush to do that to my child. Shes embarrassed enough that Im an actress at all, without me being naked as well.
Aw, poor Kate. It must have been a blow to her fragile emerging self-esteem for all the boys to ignore her flat chest and brag about seeing her mom's mams. It sure is a good thing that Kate's daughter will never have to deal with such trauma, because that would be truly devastating . . . wait, what's that? Kate's casabas have already been
captured on celluloid for all to see? Drats. Foiled again. But yay! Boobies!
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March 17, 2008
Kate Beckinsale Embraces Her Inner Glitterfly

This picture is:
A) A red-carpet snap from the premiere of
Reunited, a feel-good movie that finds glamorous adopted movie star
Kate Beckinsale searching for her birth father and discovering that he's Robin Williams, the homeless man she gives a dollar to outside of The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf every morning. Or,
B) 2008's version of this classic paparazzi moment:
We're inclined to go with B. And while we appreciate Kate's effort and think she did a smashing job in emulated
Mariah Carey, Mimi will retain her crown as queen of the beautiful escorts to the homeless, if only because she went the extra mile and simulated a pole dance against her companion's wheelchair.
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March 12, 2008
Kate Beckinsale Says: "I'd Rather Eat an Actual Vagina"

Say you're a clam chomping admirer of
Kate Beckinsale and your biggest goal in life is to get her to ditch her fancy-pants filmmaker husband (that is, if
Live Free or Die Hard can be considered fancy-pants) and start slurping on your salmon. Until now, your wits have been stretched trying to come up with a scenario in which you could convince Kate to chow down on your furburger. But thanks to Kate's recent interview with
Mean magazine, you now have the perfect scenario: Just trap her in a room and tell her the only way she can leave is to sample one of two culinary delights--a piece of fatty, pink maguro or your own fatty, pink magpie. Your ham hole is sure to win out. According to
PageSix.com, Kate told the mag:
I cant do raw. I cant do sushi, even. Anything that has that vaginal quality to it. Id rather eat an actual vagina than that, honestly."
You see what she did there? She took the basic thought that she won't eat raw fish because it feels like a vagina and turned it around so that we're thinking about her licking labia. That is a woman who can really grab her public's attention. A real STAR.
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March 11, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Weird and Scary

Ashley Olsen thinks paparazzi are "weird and scary". Also, paparazzi thinks Ashley Olsen is "weird and scary". (
Female First)
Kate Beckinsale does
Anna Karina for
Mean magazine. Eat your tits out,
Lohan-as-Marilyn! (
Popbytes)
Kate Moss models. She doesn't model clothes, though, since it seems she's not wearing any. (
Egotastic!)
Mischa Barton's recent DUI charges haven't affected the buoyant spirits of her side boob much. (
Taxi Driver)
Star Jones is set to divorce husband Al Reynolds, because she "felt Al had spent their marriage riding her success while she did all the heavy lifting". Either that, or Al spent their marriage riding hot, oiled-up dudes who look like they do a lot of heavy lifting. (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
Some yahoo called 911 on
Heather Locklear and told them she was going to kill herself.
Denise Richards, you prankster. (
CelebWarship)
Heath Ledger never updated his will to include
Michelle Williams or baby Matilda. (
Celebridiot)
Button, button, who's got the button?
Patricia Heaton sure doesn't. WTF? (
Drunken Stepfather)
Jenna Jameson dresses up as
Bettie Page for PETA. "I'd rather get donkey-punched after ATM than wear fur!" makes for a pleasant catchphrase. (
The Blemish)
Janet Jackson has been hospitalized with the flu. Much more plausible than "Exhaustion", to be sure. (
I'm Not Obsessed)
Rebecca Romijn's lettuce heads. They're ripe, they're healthy, they're shilling for mall-slut store Bebe! (
Popoholic)
February 28, 2008
Crotch Talk! With Your Host, Kate Beckinsale
Kate Beckinsale: pretty English rose, star of questionable vampire films, master of subtlety. She recently sat down for a cover shoot and an interview with
Allure, which is a magazine about beauty products and fashion. And during the chat, Kate got into the spirit by freely offering up some
real talk on her vagina, extolling the virtues of her bacon burrow and exactly how many men have dipped their toast points into it.
She says:
"I've only ever had about three boyfriends. Only a handful of people have seen into the Pharaoh's Tomb! . . . My best feature is unfortunately a private matter, although I'm told it is spectacular. But you can't really walk it down the red carpet. What can I say?" she giggled before silently mouthing the words 'My twat' at the interviewer.
Thanks for clearing that up, Kate. The understated nature of your subtle insinuations was completely lost on us. "Pharoah's Tomb" . . . "private" . . . we were scratching our heads and thinking, "A really nice designer handbag? Her collarbones? What could Kate Beckinsale possibly be getting at here?" We would have never in a trillion years guessed she was talking about her pussy. Because, as
Paris/
Lindsay/
Britney/
Bai Ling/
Jordan has taught us, you certainly can walk that thing down the red carpet.
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April 06, 2007
Kate Beckinsale Dreams of Huge Hooters
Kate Beckinsale wants huge, pendulous, bouncy, slap-you-in-the-face breasts. Oh my God, Kate Beckinsale is secretly a man! Her secret is revealed!
Rush & Molloy report:
Slim star Kate Beckinsale admits to Glamour magazine she'd love to trade bodies with Queen Latifah for a day because she has "gigantic real breasts." The "Underworld" actress says in the mag's new issue, on stands April 10, "I am so fascinated by breasts because my mother didn't have them, either. If I had them, I'd run up and down flights of stairs!"
Right now we are cursing the forces of nature for under-bazooming Ms. Beckinsale. With her average-sized apples she thinks, "My melons are totally boring; no one wants to see such underwhelming udders. I might as well keep my shirt on." But had Kate been blessed with super-sized snoobs perhaps she would be the type to doff her top at every turn. Having a bad hair day? She'd flash her funbags for the paps so no one would notice her limp locks. Accidentally agree to a turd of a script? She'd add a scene where she could practice her favorite pastime, running up and down stairs topless--slow motion to be added in post production--and the film would be a surefire hit.
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March 26, 2007
Kate Beckinsale's Sexin' Tales

The celebrity mating cycle goes a little like this:
1. Two stars meet on film set
2. Stars portray star-crossed lovers; confuse "acting" for "life", begin onset romance
3. Stars leave respective partners for one another
4. Stars move in together/get engaged after two months of romance
5. Stars marry in lavish ceremony in which Andrea Bocelli and/or Kenny Chesney is featured singer
6. Six months to a year later, stars begin new films, meet new costars, and the cycle begins anew.
So normally we are loath to take connubial advice from the rich and famous, but
Kate Beckinsale has dished out a marriage tip so timely, so eye-opening, that we were forced to place it behind a cut, lest your brains be blown clean out of your skull and into the crevices in your keyboard. Take a moment to prepare yourself emotionally and physically, and click to learn that
Kate Beckinsale's secret to a happy marriage is . . .
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December 21, 2006
Kate Boobinslip

Occasionally our gossip grand poobah FemaleFirst delivers a headline achingly beautiful in its simplicity yet conveying multitudes. Today is such a day, and "
Kate Beckinsale's Interview Boob" is such a headline.
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October 11, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Madonna and Child
Andy Dick chalks up the fact that people
call him gay to everyone being jealous of him, and not him having sex with men.
Kate Beckinsale says she'll
never get plastic surgery. Despite the fact that her boobs were named the
Ugliest in Hollywood.
Madonna probably
adopted a baby, for real this time, though. Toting around an African baby is the new Birkin bag!
George Clooney says he'll
never run for president because he's boffed too many ladies. Insert Clinton joke here, please.
Amber Tamblyn's nip is
Tumblyn out of her dress.
Et tu,
Rose McGowan?
Finally,
Johnny Depp to make an
honest woman out of
Vanessa Paradis! Hopefully she'll be able to get on his dental plan now.
Lindsay Lohan says, "It's up to me and my mom to decide if I am
partying too much." Ah, yes, nothing like that tender moment between mother and daughter, when Mom gently strokes Daughter's hair and says, "Beer BEFORE liquor, sweetheart. And coke before ecstasy. And Red Bull before semen."
Dr. McDreamy gets
McCreamed by McCastmate. We promise that's the only time you'll ever have to read the name "McDreamy" on these pages.
August 21, 2006
Kateica Beckinbiel Really Shows It Off
Just three days ago we jested over
Kate Beckinsale's
workout regime and desire to emulate
Jessica Biel's
big, juicy posterior. Today we get photographic, bikini-fied proof of Kate's own rump. And, while not reaching the near J.Lo proportions of Biel's ass, Kate does look like if you were to push her over and she landed on her fanny she'd just bounce back up again, a la the
Bozo Bop Bag.
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August 18, 2006
Kateica Beckinbiel

"If I just do . . . five more . . . squats, my butt will be . . . as big as . . .
Jessica Biel's. C'mon,
Kate, push it . . . Push it . . . she's younger . . . than you, but you can . . . beat her."
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June 19, 2006
Kate Boobinsquirts
Kate Beckinsale recently told Jay Leno that she once posessed the enviable skill of being able to honk her teat and shoot a steady stream of breast milk across the room. You might think that Kate is milking her late-night appearance for publicity, but we find her udderly delightful. After all, she's a perfectly delactable specimen--the cream of the crop, really. Skim after the cut to find out the whole story.
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June 13, 2006
Beckinsale Flying Beckinsolo?
Cue up Billy Joel's "Movin' Out", because
Kate Beckinsale is rumored to have done exactly that, taking her child and leaving her director husband. Because workin' too hard at a failing marriage can give a girl a heart attackackackackackack.
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May 11, 2006
Underworld: Halitosis
Maybe it's just because we at CelebNewsWire are sick and perverted freaks (we're just trying to emulate our readers, after all), but when we see a headline that says, "
Kate Beckinsale's Oral Paranoia" we have certain expectations, maybe even certain fantasies wherein Kate is dressed as a geisha and demurely giggles and blushes when a male member is wagged in her face. But that's just us, right?
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April 05, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "A Big 200 Pound Lesbian to Kick Her Ass"
Rosie O'Donnell challenges
Naomi Campbell to a
cage match, saying, "I think she needs a big 200 pound lesbian to kick her ass." Normally, our money would be on Rosie, but we hear Naomi has custom-made bedazzled boxing gloves in the shape of hand-held communication devices, so . . .
Natalie Portman: she's Harvard-educated, speaks four languages, acts, dances, saves Jason Bateman's puppy from
certain death. Basically, she's like Jesus. Jesus in a
thong.
Well, hey there, Megan Mullally of TV's
Will & Grace. You go, girl, with your
big ole cleavage and your flashing of an actor dressed like a cop and all that. You go, Megan Mullally of TV's
Will & Grace.
The fat kid from
Stand By Me is
engaged to
Pepper Dennis.
Oh, that
Paris Hilton! What a scamp! Her thrush-encrusted acid tongue is
at it again. She says that former BFF
Nicole Richie "cannot stand being around me because I get all the attention and people really don't care about her", and that "she has nothing else so she really wants to do [The Simple Life] but I don't. It's really pathetic that she needs to use my name to sell something because she's obviously not enough," and that Nicole is simply jealous and fame-hungry. Special emphasis on "hungry".
Lindsay Lohan admits to
dabbling in Kabbalah, saying, "All of us need something. You have to grab on to whatever gets you through." It's definitely pretty easy to grab a pretty red string when it's on your wrist. You know what else is easy to grab onto?
Boobs. Big boobs.
Kate Beckinsale is said to be the forerunner in the race to be cast as Wonder Woman. Her
Halloween costume really gave her a leg up on the competition. Does that mean that Lindsay Lohan will soon be cast as a
firefighting junkie stripper?
Tom Cruise has a
pacifier custom-made for
Katie Holmes as an aid to shut her the hell up during delivery. And CelebNewsWire has an adult diaper made for Tom, because we hate his crazy ass.
January 18, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: A Kidney Stone to Build Homes
Posh Spice teaches us how to
dress for seduction. Is the secret tan-in-a-can, fake lips like a couple of BMX tires, and robohooters? Because we're one step ahead of you, Posh.
Posh is also planning on
writing a children's book. Just as soon as she learns how to write.
There are never enough headlines that include the words "
Kate Beckinsale" and
"ass".
Wow.
Sienna Miller's doing a really, really, really, really bad job of
channeling Edie Sedgwick. Really bad.
Eva Longoria and
Jamie Foxx, also known as the two most irritatingly overrated stars in the cosmos,
might have hooked up. Good. Maybe they'll fall in love and go live in the bottom of the sea somewhere.
Drew Barrymore and her
huge snoobs are awesome. Don't hate. Congratulate.
Brad and
Angelina's golden fetus says, "Does
this ultrasound make me look fat?"
You know it's a slow gossip day when
this is the headline of the day.
William Shatner's nugget of crystallized
urine builds houses for the underprivileged. Yeah, you heard us.
Howard Stern admits to having a
little plastic surgery. We
thought his tits were looking particularly fabulous lately.
January 12, 2006
Beckinsale = Boneinslacks
If you are anything like us, you watch schtup scenes in films and wonder about that untold bit of moviemaking magic: the unwanted boner. Say you're an actor and you're simulating thrusting with a naked
Scarlett Johansson or
Natalie Portman or what have you. How do you conceal your stiff wang? Do you laugh about it? Do you get slapped? This constant wondering really takes us out of the moment, but thank god for
Kate Beckinsale, who tells us how it's done. Now if only Kate would tell us what the women on the island in
Lost use for tampons, we'd totally be set.
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