filed under: Kabbalah

See, here's the problem with rich people: If at any point in your life you have been able to think to yourself, "Gee, I'd really like for someone to paint a pride of lions turquoise, put them in tutus, and teach them to sing a L'il Wayne song" and were certain that your vast fortune could make such an accomplishment possible, you'll probably think that money will always get you whatever you want. That's why Madonna thinks she can buy her kids. Reports The Daily Mail:

Madonna has offered Guy Ritchie an additional £5million to dictate his access rights to their three children.

The singer has agreed to increase the lump sum cash payment he will get in their divorce from £15million to £20million if he backs down from a court battle over Lourdes, 12, Rocco, eight, and David Banda, three.

Legal sources said last night that Mr Ritchie would be well-advised to take the offer since Madonna as their mother would be seen as primary carer.

As such, a British judge would most probably rule the children should live with her in New York rather than in England with Guy.

'Madonna has said to Guy that if she ups the money, then would he agree to her setting out the access for the children until they turn 18. What she is basically saying is that if Guy wants this to go to court, she will get what she wants anyway.

'Basically she is offering a cash incentive to him to encourage an amicable out-of-court agreement over the children.. Madonna is keen to give Guy good access to the children - but on her terms,' a source said.

'Guy wants the children to be educated in Britain - especially his beloved Rocco - but his lawyers will be advising him that if Madonna moves to New York and wants the children with her, a judge is likely to agree.'

But, you know, it really doesn't matter what Guy says, as Madonna is totally the second coming of Christ and should be able to do pretty much anything she wants. As long as she doesn't piss off a bunch of Jews with nails. That might not be good. The rag continues:

The Mail has learned that Guy finally decided the marriage was over during one particular bizarre exchange with his wife at their Marylebone house where she claimed to be 'bigger than Jesus'.

Said a friend: ''The argument happened at the Marylebone house. Madonna had been moaning about his lack of support and lack of interest in what she has doing with Kabbalah.

'She told Guy she did not understand why she was ridiculed by the press for what she was doing with the religion. But Guy just reacted quite sarcastically and told her to "get over herself".

'And that's when it got a bit surreal. Madonna said that her destiny had been mapped out and that she had been chosen to live this life.

'She said the reason why she is a living icon is that she had been chosen to be a spiritual guru. To which Guy turned around and said 'Listen love, you're just a singer'.

'And it was then she turned around to him and said: "Listen baby, I'm bigger than Jesus'".

'Guy was dumbfounded. At that point, he realised that he really had lost her to the Kabbalah. From that point on, Guy felt totally alienated from Madonna. She made him feel that he was beneath her. To make matters worse, that had been one of the few times they had been together in recent months and it was spoiled by that argument.'

The source went on: 'Guy truly believes that Madonna is deluded and lives in a fantasy world – particularly also when it comes to her age.

'When Madonna turned 50 for example, she felt her biological age was only 35 so they went ahead as if it was a 35th birthday'.

Now we finally understand Madonna's cruel act of canceling Christmas—girl's just jealous that so many people insist on celebrating the birth of Christ but Madgemas was a huge disaster. more »

We know that our readers look to Hollywood visionaries for spiritual guidance, so brace yourselves for this difficult news: Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have abandoned Kabbalah. That's a hard pill to swallow, we know, but life will go on. Perhaps Heidi Montag will step up to the ridiculous-religion plate and introduce you to a new offshoot of Buddhism that revolves around Neiman Marcus shopping and Botox injections. MSNBC reports:

With the recent brouhaha surrounding Scientology and its followers, Kaballah’s golden couple Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have fallen off the radar. Sources close to the couple say the timing is good, because the couple’s relationship with the religion has been called into question as of late.

“Ashton and Demi used to have an impeccable attendance record,” says one source with close ties to the Kabballah Centre in L.A. Another source close to the couple says it’s been “months” since the two attended services or participated in the Shabbat dinner after Friday services. Adding fuel to the fire is the fact that Kutcher was just last week spotted shopping on Robertson Blvd. without his trademark red string.

What’s to blame for the couple’s flagging attendance?

Definitely not Moore’s kids, because they’ve never been active. “It’s something that Bruce Willis never allowed,” says the source with ties to the Centre. Others say that Kutcher was “tired of being dragged there on Friday nights.” Whatever the case, the sudden change in routine strikes those who know the couple, who were married in a Kabbalah ceremony, as worrisome. “It’s just odd,” says the source with ties to the Centre, “something must be up.”

At first we thought that Ashton's objection to sacrificing a precious weekend evening must be the cause of the couple's lost faith, but then we thought a little deeper and realized that the timing of this religion dumping is awfully peculiar. So here's our theory: Ashton, taking a break from choosing the perfect highlight color to coordinate with Demi's jewelry collection, was perusing the internet last week and happened upon an intriguing video of fellow actor Tom Cruise. After nine minutes of insight, Ashton proclaimed, "This man really speaks to me. He is so wise. He can teach us much about KSW. We must join him."

Wednesday afternoon everyone thought Madonna had adopted an African orphan in some sort of "I'm a bigger star than you, bitch" challenge to Angelina Jolie. But then it turned out she hadn't. She's just visiting. But she might have tried a few on for size, thought they made her butt look too fat, and returned them to the rack. more »

Sometimes we feel like we should pull a Lloyd Grove and banish Paris Hilton from our life. It would open up time to investigate the idiocy of lesser celebrities, and it would save us all those trips to the free clinic. But time and again Paris proves that she is the stupidest, most vacuous, most asinine celebrity around, so what can you do? You can't fight the seether. more »

Madonna plans to meditate over some water and use it to save the planet from nuclear waste. That is if she isn't kidnapped by the Russian mob first. more »

It seemed that Britney Spears had all but abandoned her Letter of Truth as her main form of communication, as it had been nearly a year since her assistant/Mom put on the Britney wig and muumuu and let words flow onto the screen. But Friday was a magical day that saw Britney return to her ghostwritten fan communication. What knowledge did this oracle of w.t. provide? What insights into life did she share? Not a helluva lot, actually. It seems that Britney can't even employ people to put actual thoughts into her head to replace the constant stream of "Durrr . . . " more »

• Rosie O'Donnell challenges Naomi Campbell to a cage match, saying, "I think she needs a big 200 pound lesbian to kick her ass." Normally, our money would be on Rosie, but we hear Naomi has custom-made bedazzled boxing gloves in the shape of hand-held communication devices, so . . .

• Natalie Portman: she's Harvard-educated, speaks four languages, acts, dances, saves Jason Bateman's puppy from certain death. Basically, she's like Jesus. Jesus in a thong.

• Well, hey there, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace. You go, girl, with your big ole cleavage and your flashing of an actor dressed like a cop and all that. You go, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace.

• The fat kid from Stand By Me is engaged to Pepper Dennis.

• Oh, that Paris Hilton! What a scamp! Her thrush-encrusted acid tongue is at it again. She says that former BFF Nicole Richie "cannot stand being around me because I get all the attention and people really don't care about her", and that "she has nothing else so she really wants to do [The Simple Life] but I don't. It's really pathetic that she needs to use my name to sell something because she's obviously not enough," and that Nicole is simply jealous and fame-hungry. Special emphasis on "hungry".

• Lindsay Lohan admits to dabbling in Kabbalah, saying, "All of us need something. You have to grab on to whatever gets you through." It's definitely pretty easy to grab a pretty red string when it's on your wrist. You know what else is easy to grab onto? Boobs. Big boobs.

• Kate Beckinsale is said to be the forerunner in the race to be cast as Wonder Woman. Her Halloween costume really gave her a leg up on the competition. Does that mean that Lindsay Lohan will soon be cast as a firefighting junkie stripper?

• Tom Cruise has a pacifier custom-made for Katie Holmes as an aid to shut her the hell up during delivery. And CelebNewsWire has an adult diaper made for Tom, because we hate his crazy ass.

Remember how yesterday we told you that Gwyneth Paltrow might be naming her excuse for getting fat incubating baby Capone and you thought she had gone the route of Tom Cruise and was never coming back from that land where unicorns eat people and shit smells like fresh-baked cookies? Well, now she thinks ghosts are after her. It's going to take more than an infant-sized gat to scare her back to reality. more »

Britney Spears may have about a fourth-grade education and her unborn fetus is already reading The Little Engine that Could to her, but we sympathize with her lack of understanding of that Kabbalah crap. The sentences in those Kabbalah books are so much longer than the ones in US Weekly. more »

We haven’t quite finished our third cup of coffee yet, and people keep on asking us if we’ve got a case of the Mondays, which really pisses us off. But we probably do look a little sad and confused this morning, as we just learned that Madonna probably didn’t actually write her children’s books. Next thing you know somebody’s gonna tell us that she didn’t do her own Vogue-ing. That would be a travesty. more »

If you’re anything like us, you spent Monday afternoon watching the dove lady and her like-minded Thriller aficionados crying and rejoicing over Michael Jackson’s freedom while you yourself wondered how someone who admitted to sharing his bed with the entire male fanbase of SpongeBob SquarePants could be believed not to have touched their dingly-danglies. Why, it was all thanks to Kabbalah, of course! more »

Britney Spears is one fucked up young lady. In the past two days we have heard about how much she loves Jesus and how she hired a Kabbalah rabbi to save her marriage. We haven't seen a celebrity in such a state of confusion since Michael Jackson's marriage to Lisa Marie Presley. more »

No one has ever claimed that Kabbalah makes people sane or sensitive to the feelings of others. There was something about spiritual enlightenment or some bullshit, but we weren't listening. Lately whenever we hear names like Ashton Kutcher and Madonna we get nostalgic for the time when pampered Hollywood stars were merely self-indulgent without thinking they held the secrets to the universe. more »