filed under: Justin Timberlake
November 06, 2008
Justin Timberlake To Come Within Peener-Poking Distance of Britney Spears

It's finally, finally happing! OMG, we can't even believe it! This is what we've been waiting for for years!
Britney and
Justin are getting back together! O, long the many years, we haven't dared to dream, but our deepest desire is finally being realized. Brit-Brit. JT. Together at last. Together to perform with
Madonna. Oh. That's not quite the same, now is it? Reports
E!:
If there's one thing we can count on from Madonna, it's the making of a little music history now and again.
Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake will be performing alongside the Material Girl Thursday when her Sticky & Sweet tour touches down at Dodger Stadium, E! News' Ryan Seacrest has learned.
"They are going to be onstage performing with Madonna," Seacrest said on KIIS-FM host DJ BoyToy Jesse's Wednesday-afternoon show.
Of course, while Timberlake and Spears have both collaborated with Madge individually, the exes haven't been spending much quality time together in recent years.
"If Justin and Britney end up on that stage with her...I don't know if I've ever seen anything quite like that before," Seacrest said. (And he's seen a lotremember Celine Dion performing with hologram Elvis on American Idol?)
Seacrest said that he should have more details on his KIIS morning show tomorrow: "Expect some real serious surprises."
We know that Britney has done tons of work to turn herself around and is looking super hot again, but we're still not holding out any hope that JT will see Britney across the stage, spring a huge boner, forget that he gets to hump
Jessica Biel, and the pair will live happily ever after. Britney does still have polyester hair and Adnan Ghalib cooties.
August 01, 2008
Jessica Biel Loves Barbells More Than Brewskis

Like Lou Ferrigno with tits or an errant Hogan child raised on 'roid-laced breast milk,
Jessica Biel is most comfortable doing squat thrusts and deadlifts. Legend has it that an opposing army once fired a cannonball into her abs and the cannonball disintegrated into dust upon impact. True story! The only problem is that boyfriend
Justin Timberlake is concerned that Jessica's gym obsession has taken over her life. A source told
Digital Spy:
"Jessica is under a lot of pressure to stay in shape because there is so much competition among young actresses in Hollywood. Jessica loves to work out and so does Justin, but lately it seems like that's all she does. She's got an amazing body and Justin is trying to get through to her that she can afford to take some time out once in a while and have a burger, some beers and a day doing nothing."
Wow, that must be pretty hard for Justin to adjust. After all, please remember that he is used to dating
a woman who is known for taking time out every second of every day doing nothing, having a burger, and some beers. And some churros. And some margaritas. And some
Provigil. And a large sheet cake with Power Rangers on it. And a large Power Rangers sheet cake stuffed with Provigil and frosted with churros.
more »
June 03, 2008
TimBielake Hops on Wedding Bandwagon

Wedding fever is sweeping famous people land! In the guylinery wake of the
Wentz nuptials, every celebrity couple is planning on conceiving a child and/or tying the not.
Justin Timberlake and
Jessica Biel are no exception. According to our gossip ring bearer,
FemaleFirst:
Justin Timberlake has been shopping for an engagement ring.
The singer is planning to propose to Jessica Biel and is asking her close friends to help him choose the perfect diamond band. A pal of Jessica's told the Chicago Sun Times newspaper: "Justin has been ring shopping, and we're talking serious, major Harry Winston-type shopping here. He has been quizzing Jessica's closest pals and associates, trying to get a take on the kind of engagement rings she has admired. The only comment I ever heard Jessica make was when she complimented a mutual friend's square-cut emerald ring - when a girlfriend of ours got engaged. It was huge!"
Justin's friends claim the 'SexyBack' singer realised he wanted to take his relationship with Jessica to the next level after their busy work schedules kept them apart for long periods.
Last month, it was claimed Justin was ready to marry Jessica on the privately owned island of Mustique in the West Indies. A source said: "Justin is 27 and thinking about marriage and kids. For the first time in his life he is feeling settled and has definitely decided to pop the question to Jessica."
Smart move, Timberlake. Smart move. When a woman has glutes that cause the most hardened among us to lie in the fetal position and sob uncontrollably. If and when this wedding actually takes place, Biel will probably just put a veil over her ass and walk down the aisle backwards. And when the minister asks, "Do you, butt, take Justin?" she will fart. Kissing the bride will be replaced by full analingus. Butthole jokes: the little black dress of comedy!
more »
March 13, 2008
Britney Spears Misses Her Exciting Frappuccino-Hunting Lifestyle

Aside from finally
landing a job and being
stalked by a dildo,
Britney Spears has been pretty much MIA lately. She hasn't caused any paparazzi car crashes, we haven't heard rumors about the occupation of her womb in at least a week, and we have no idea whether or not she's been able to keep to her waxing schedule under Daddy's rule. It's because girl is grounded. Jamie Spears is earning his $2500 a week by going all
Dollanganger on Brit and locking her in the house. According to
OK!:
For the last six weeks, Britney Spears has essentially been grounded by her daddy, Jamie Spears, in a desperate measure to save her life. Of course, there are worse places to be holed up than her $7.2 million, 7,400-square-foot Mediterranean-style villa in Studio City.
As part of her dad's restrictions, the 26-year-old is no longer allowed to hit the night clubs in L.A., hang out with her paparazzi pals or make frequent, erratic stops at gas stations, fast-food joints and public bathrooms. A friend of the the singer tells OK! that Brit recently snuck a text message to them saying, "I'm so bored. I hate my life."
Now, a typical day with Britney includes spending hours alone in her bedroom, which a frequent visitor to the home tells OK! is "like a princess' room with several walk-in closets and a spa tub, plus a long counter where she used to keep all her wigs."
Jamie, who stays in a room downstairs, leaves his daughter alone when she's in her private suite. And since she's no longer allowed to go out, the pop star now spends hours in front of the mirror trying on different outfits.
"Changing clothes all day long must seem harmless enough, so her dad doesn't interfere with that," a friend of Britney explains to OK!. "She'll change three or four times on days when she's not leaving the house."
Some of those clothes include "fat clothes" that Britney likes to wear when she's feeling bloated or out of shape. Friends say the singer keeps a secret closet stocked with these loose-fitting garments for just these occasions.
One thing visitors to Britney's home are surprised to discover is that the seemingly scatterbrained star keeps a clean house. "Her life may seem out of control, but the inside of her house is very ordered," a friend of the singer tells OK!. "She's very clean and has no clutter."
An even bigger surprise inside the house a shrine to ex boyfriend, Justin Timberlake!
Sources tell OK! that few people have seen Brit's collection of private mementos from her years with the pop superstar. "She's obsessed with him," the source reveals. "She has pictures of them together and has devoted a private area just to celebrate him."
Can you blame the girl? Since she broke up with Justin, she married a sleezy backup dancer who has since won the world's sympathy, went to rehab a couple of times, shaved her head, went to a mental hospital a few times, got a succession of extremely budget weaves, had a couple of kids that she doesn't get to see, and had her life taken over by her daddy. Maybe she's spending those hours holed up in her room studying episodes of
Rocky & Bullwinkle trying to figure out how Mr. Peabody made the Wayback Machine. 2000's gotta be looking pretty good to her right about now.
more »
March 11, 2008
Madonna Is a Hall-of-Famer

The Picture of
Madonna Gray appeared last night to accept her induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Also on hand to celebrate: that one dude who stuffs it in
Jessica Biel, and a shirtless, Lumineers-sporting Iggy Pop, whose famed, ropey physique was put to shame by Madonna's brutal guns. When
Justin Timberlake introduced Madonna, he took the opportunity to make a few jabs at former love
Britney Spears:
"The world has always been full of Madonna wannabes and I might have even dated a couple . . . She has still found time to kiss someone I may or may not have publicly kissed myself while I was in the audience. Of course you know I was talking about Sean Penn."
With self-esteem perhaps bolstered by her very expensive-looking new face, Madonna took the stage and reverted back to her
Truth or Dare persona, calling the audience "motherfuckers" (oh no you di'in!), and according to
US Weekly:
She gleefully recalled when she met her long-time publicist Liz Rosenberg. She was "smoking a joint, Madonna said. She also told the crowd she split a tab of ecstasy with a music executive who she gave her first demo tape to.
And then Iggy patted her on her tiny head and cooed, "Awwwww!" before coughing up an errant syringe from 1971.

more »
February 15, 2008
Timberlake 'Ring's in V-Day

In this world, when a famous woman places a hand upon her stomach, she is gravid with twins, and when a man gives a passing glance at a jewelry store, he is obviously planning on purchasing a huge conflict diamond to present to his buoyant-assed main squeeze. Obviously. So according to our gossip wedding planner,
FemaleFirst Justin Timberlake was spotted browsing rings at Tiffany in New York, which means he wants to wed innamorata
Jessica Biel. An onlooker said:
"Justin was really taking his time looking round the rings. He made the staff get a couple out of the cabinets so he could properly look at them. He didn't buy anything but told the manager he would think about it."
What the hell is there to think about, Timberlake? Good Christ, homeslice, you have upon your arm one of the finest bottoms that the Lord ever created. Get a damn ring and put it on that finger and make sure you have that kiester legally yours for all time. It's like when God decided to create Jessica Biel's ass, he got together the angels of the finest artists who had ever lived. Michelangelo had a hand in making it. So did Rodin. Da Vinci did a little work on it. Vermeer gave it that lit-from-within glow. And Bob Ross was there, putting "a happy little crack over there". And don't forget Bil Keane, who, with a few deft brush strokes, made Dolly and Jeffy gaze upon Biel's butt in reverence. Bil Keane isn't dead? Goddammit.
February 06, 2008
"She'll be dead and I'll piss on her grave."

We're thinking about taking a binge and purge approach to
Britney Spears gossip from now on. We'll hold out for as long as we can, denying ourselves any information on the sad, sad life of our favorite fallen pop star, then maybe once a week we'll lower our defenses and allow the wave of Brit news to wash over us, leaving a cheesy, greasy stain. In today's binge we learn that Brit had plastic palookas installed when she was a wee teener and
Sam Lutfi is heartily battling
Howard K. Stern for the title of World's Supreme Asshole. It's gonna be a tight race.
more »
November 20, 2007
Britney Spears Is a Sex Liar, Private Dicker

We've been on a bit of a
Britney fast lately (no Spears posts for three whole days!), as it's always good to flush your system of anything deep-fried or drenched in butter in the days leading up to Thanksgiving. But like Paula Deen to a
deep-fried butter ball, we just couldn't stay away. Not when there's Brit's teenage sex life to talk about, y'all! Plus, we can't help but be interested in a story that involves a guy named Reg. We blame our youthful obsession with Elton John.
Us Weekly reports:
Britney Spears made a name for herself as a happy, wholesome pop star who was saving herself for marriage.
But lawyer Eric Ervin, who worked with Spears as a teenager, tells Us Weekly in its new cover story that the "virgin" image Spears portrayed was, in his words, a "PR blitz." In fact, Us reports in its new issue that Spears lost her virginity at 14 to boyfriend Reg Jones, and that she and Justin Timberlake were intimate from the beginning.
Something Spears also kept secret: Her family's tragic history.
Us has learned that Spears' paternal grandmother, Emma Jean Spears, in June 1966 committed suicide at age 31. Britney's grandmother, who suffered from depression, shot herself in the chest with a shotgun at the grave of her infant son who had died eight years earlier just three days after being born.
A local newspaper article obtained by Us reported at the time: "The shotgun had been pressed against the woman's chest and she apparently pulled the trigger with a toe of the right foot from which a shoe had been removed." The newspaper reported that Emma Jean had attempted suicide three times before.
Emma Jean Spears left behind four other children, including Britney's father, Jamie Spears, then an eighth grader. Two of Jamie Spears' brothers ended up with criminal records and homeless.
OK, the dead-grandmother and homeless-uncles bit is a little depressing, but it sort of explains a few things, no? Like maybe she picked up her fashion sense from her favorite hobo uncle. Or maybe her granny's suicide is the only thing keeping Brit from laying down some Louisiana justice on the paparazzi. And as for the sex thing, this proves that Britney is indeed a responsible person; she was having sex for nearly ten years before she had any babies. That takes some planning. Assuming she was putting it in the right hole.
So now we know that Britney liked dick young, but she also likes her dick private. Reports
TMZ:
Britney Spears is on the offensive in her ongoing battle with Fed-Ex. We're told the popwreck wants to prove she's not the only one who screws up.
Sources tell TMZ Brit has hired a P.I. company to dig up dirt on her ex. One source says, during their marriage, Spears witnessed K-Fed smoking dope and drinking beer around the kids. Brit's camp hopes they can get the goods and turn the tables in the custody battle.
What's she hoping to dig up? That Kevin is secretly breeding children to star in his underground baby-fighting ring? Because at this point we don't think that Kev sipping a few Coors (or even slipping some into the baby bottles) is going to get Britney her kids back. Plus, we're kind of surprised she's even trying. Her interest in her kids is so slight, we'd expect Brit to hire a private dick to dig up dirt on
her to present in court.
more »
November 13, 2007
What Every Girl Wants: Sex Wax

Men, they are from Mars, and they are wont to find a move that works and stick with it, carrying it from relationship to relationship. One girl responds well to being serenaded by Breathe's "Hands to Heaven"? You better bet all subsequent girlfriends are gonna get an earful of mid-'80s English pop.
Justin Timberlake is no different, and rumor has it that he recycled an old
Cameron Diaz gift idea to give to abundant-assed new love
Jessica Biel: a surfboard and accompanying wax. Says a source:
"He phoned Evolution Surf and ordered a longboard with a blue, yellow and gold design. He also put in an order for a year's supply of Sex Wax. He thought it'd be fun to surprise her with a board and a trip to Hawaii to teach her how to surf!"
Haha, yeah, that would indeed be fun. It's also going to be super fun for Jessica when, after their arrival in Hawaii, Justin gifts her with a blonde wig and then grabs the corners of her mouth and staples them back in a permanent Joker grin. "Also, how about I call you 'Cammy'? Is that cool? I dunno, I just thought it would be fun!" FUN!
more »
October 24, 2007
A Handful of Biel

After
shotgunning a cool domestic beverage and cheering on large, overpaid men bashing the crap out of each other, the next logical step in one's evening would obviously be to reach over and bury your meathooks into the soft, rounded swelling of the female buttock. And that's exactly what
Justin Timberlake did to girlfriend
Jessica Biel on the sidelines of the Bears-Packers game. Wait, did we say "Justin Timberlake"? We meant "Jessica's very female friend". Justin was too busy gluing his eyes to other asses. The ones on the field. The ones attached to dudes. An onlooker told
Star:
"It looked like the friend reached over and squeezed Jessicas butt while Justin was looking out at the field. Jessica didnt even flinch - but when Justin suddenly turned around, Jessicas friend pulled her hand away."
Well good God, Biel is the owner of the most huggable, lovable pair of buns on the planet. How could one possibly be standing next to them and not give them a hearty honk? It would be like walking past a pile of bubble wrap without popping. Or walking by a fresh new pile of snow without making a snow angel in it. Or dropping off hot and sexy Jessica Biel after a mega lesbo-erotic sweaty workout session without leaning in to
french her, long and deep and hard.
more »
October 17, 2007
Da Beers

Stars--they're just like us! They
tailgate at the Packers-Bears game with pals. Although your pals might not be
Justin Timberlake,
Jessica Biel, and whatshisnuts. Dawson. Oh, Van Der Beek. Just look at that guy. Minutes before this picture was taken, he said, "I don't want . . . yer lahf." Then he looked at JT shotgunning the Miller Lite with Biel at his side and said, "Actually, yes. Yes, I do want . . . yer lahf."
more »
August 22, 2007
Britney Spears Shocker: She F's up Her Career (Again)

When are you people going to learn?
Britney Spears does not want to come back to anything! She likes living in a crumbling house of squalor littered with dirty diapers, regurgitated Milk Bones, greasy White Castle wrappers, and maybe a few forgotten nannies' bodies. If she somehow recaptures her past success, then hard work will have to follow. Hard work is for poor people. And Britney ain't poor yet. Duh. Page Six relays Brit's latest missed opportunity:
Britney Spears backed out at the last minute from recording a duet with her old flame, Justin Timberlake - and the inexplicable decision last month has suits at her record label, Jive, very worried.
The duet, which was to be produced by hit-maker Timbaland at his studio in Virginia Beach, could have started a big comeback for the troubled pop tart, who peaked before she had two marriages and two kids.
A music industry source said Timberlake wrote the duet specifically for Spears. Although they wouldn't be together in the studio, his voice would have been mixed with hers later.
"Timbaland set aside a week out of his crazy schedule to do this - and then, just before she was supposed to fly out, Britney abruptly canceled the session and refused to do the song.
"It's crazy," the insider added. "She's looking for a comeback, and this would have not only been a huge hit, but something she could have opened the MTV Video Awards with and really blown everyone away."
Another insider said, "Listen, everyone is worried. In her mind, her album is done and she's done enough work . . . She's an easy target right now, because she's . . . sick. People like her are sick. It's like an anorexic who's sick in the head and needs help. She needs help. It's sad because what she's got - and we've heard it's like bipolar disorder - can easily be treated with medication, but she won't do it."
There's concern that Spears, now without a great song to perform, will bomb at the VMAs, which would have been her crucial comeback appearance.
As for whether or not Jive has wiped their hands of Spears, the insider said, "People at Jive have been with Britney since album one, and have an investment in her. They have faith that once the material is there, she will become focused and step it up. She's very competitive, but at the end of the day, it's hard. She has to do the work - no one can do it for her."
Reps for Jive and Timberlake declined to comment. Spears, who's embroiled in a nasty custody battle for her children, Sean Preston and Jaden James, with her ex-husband, Kevin Federline, doesn't have representation and couldn't be reached.
Look, we all miss the old Britney, what with her hotness and tight abs and fake virginity. Those were good times. But we've gotta let it go. She's not coming back. This is the Britney we have now. Embrace her. You wouldn't ask Liz Taylor to give up the Ho-Hos and ten pounds of Clinique products and slink around a sound stage in her old
Butterfield 8 slip, now would you?
June 26, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Outrageous and Delusional

If
Christina Aguilera isn't pregnant in her uterus, then she's definitely carrying a set of twins in her cans. Whooo-eeee! (
Drunken Stepfather)
I know why the caged
Tom Sizemore sings. Because meth makes you chipper. (
FemaleFirst)
What will
Paris do, post-jail? Here are some fine ideas on life after incarceration. (
Yeeeah!)
While
Paris was in jail, her Delorean or whatever was repossessed. It would be funner if it was just plain possessed, like Christine, but we work with what we're given. (
Hollywood Backwash)
A new musical is in the works, based on "outrageous and delusional" Claymates. If there's anything that makes our comment switchboard light up, it's
Clay Aiken! (
ONTD)
Once upon a time,
Eva Mendes wanted to be a nun. Then she looked in the mirror and was like, "hahahahahahaha, yeah RITE." (
Derek Hail)
Germany has banned
Tom Cruise from filming scenes for a new movie in their country, simply because they think Scientology is lame. Who says Germans don't have a sense of humor? (
Celebrity Hack)
Hef: the Movie. (
Hollywood Grind)
V.I.L.E. henchmen
Timberlake and
Biel have been spotted passing the loot on to Robocrook in . . . Copenhagen! (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
Justin, by the way, is arty. Wait, not arty. Farty. (
FemaleFirst)
Michael Lohan claims that Mama
Dina blew rails while pregnant with "our oldest child,
Lindsay." That would explain a thing or two, except for the fact that Lindsay has an older brother. Who's the cokehead now, Michael? Huh? Huh? (
Celebitchy)
June 21, 2007
Bielkini 2: Bride of Bielkini

Honestly, we're not trying to play favorites here with the recent glut of
Jessica Biel posts. Asking us to pick a #1 out of our stable of comely, prancing fillies is like asking us to choose between our children. And by that we mean we say we love them equally, but there is a clear favorite: the one with the fattest ass. In summary, Jessica Biel is the daughter to whom we gave actual physical birth after carrying her inside of our womb, we use curious amount of horse and unicorn metaphors, we prefer her to our countless other offspring, and her butt is both staggeringly meaty and stuffed inside a bikini in the new
GQ magazine. Now go touch yourself or something.
more »
June 20, 2007
Timberlake Maybe Just(in) That Into Biel After All

We recently posted about
Justin Timberlake, a man whose nose and chin are just inches away from touching, thwarting the charms of the round-rumped, pillow-lipped
Jessica Biel, and refusing to
entertain her while on tour in Europe. But that was a full five days ago. Things change. Boners yearn for the warm caress of
7th Heaven stars. According to
People:
Biel, 25, arrived in Amsterdam Sunday evening, and she and Timberlake, 26, holed up in The Dylan, a romantic five-star hotel.
On Monday, they arrived in Stockholm. That evening, the pair - with a 13-member entourage - ate at Stockholm's Beirut Cafι, a Lebanese restaurant. "They seemed like an ordinary couple in love," owner Elias Karroum tells PEOPLE. "They were very sweet."
Adds Karroum: "They also tried to smoke a water pipe with apple-flavored tobacco. They said they'd tried it before, but we had to show them how to do it properly."
Haw, Timberlake is whipped by bountiful buns. "I have to concentrate on my music! My tour is so important! Waaaah, I want to touch a butt." And double haw on the "apple-flavored tobacco". Yeah, they were just having a dry run for later, when they'd smoke the fat doobs they bought in Amsterdam. Do you like our appropriation of the term "fat doobs"? We are down with the youth of today. Right, shorties? Do I make you horny, baby? Whazzzzap.
more »
June 15, 2007
He's Just Not That Into Biel
Justin Timberlake is not someone we'd peg as an entirely insensitive creature. "Cry Me a River" kinda got us, you know? But if the following story is to be believed, he's no better than the Natty Light swilling, ultimate frisbee-tossing, "yeah, that bitch is so totally into me but whatever, dude. She's crazy. She's a stalker, man" brohamms of the world. It seems that he is not as taken with the soft and rounded
charms of
Jessica Biel as one would expect. Britain's
Daily Mirror quotes Timberlake as saying, quite preposterously,
"She truly insisted that she came with me on tour. I don't know how to say no to a pretty face. But it wasn't really a good idea. This time I'm putting the machine before everything else. Jessica met up with me in Manchester, but for Paris I told her categorically no. This tour is very important for me. I'm doing it really seriously so there's no question of playing sweethearts."
We find this rather hard to believe, seeing how Jessica Biel is as lovely as a fluffy new lamb with a charming bell around its neck being petted by a throng of culturally diverse children with disabilities, and Justin Timberlake is the facial equivalent of Lady Elaine.
more »
June 12, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: What a Luffoon

Britney Spears. Her butt. Your face. (
TMZ)
No phrase sends quivers of ecstasy up the male
spine wiener quite like "
Kelly Brook bikini photoshoot". (
Hollywood Tuna)
Paris is suffering from ADD and claustrophobia. BFD, our cousin Cheyenne is suffering from impetigo and chronic fatigue and she's
still in jail. (
The Blemish)
An improvement on that boring
Sopranos finale. (
Cityrag)
Justin Timberlake was traumatized filming
Black Snake Moan sex scenes with
Christina Ricci. "The sex scene was pretty hot," he said. "Im not going to say it doesnt feel weird pretending to fuck someone in front of a man with a sound boom, though. That would be weird indeed, and very unlike our usual practice of fucking a man from the front with his sound boom.(
Derek Hail)
Like a white trash phoenix covered in bong resin rising from a pile of busted lawnmowers,
Federspears: the Union might be resurrected. (
Hollywood Backwash)
Anne Heche and Celestia lose custody of her child. Apparently, when it comes to parenting, playing video games and watching porn is still preferable to having a second personality who is the child of God and speaks in an unnameable tongue. Who knew? (
A Socialite's Life)
May 25, 2007
Marilyn Manson Gives Justin Timberlake's Mom Anatomy Lesson

Why are we suddenly and inexplicably obsessed with
Marilyn "Gothbert Gothbert" Manson? We suppose we've always had a soft spot for Emmett Kelly and other sad clowns of his ilk. Today, Manson leaves the
Lolitaspeak behind and instead, tells of schooling Ma Timberlake about female anatomy. He recently told BBC Radio 1:
"I met Justin Timberlake and I liked him. I met his mother too. He brings her on tour with him, I guess as some sort of prop. When we met I had just watched this sex documentary, unfortunately for his mother, and the first thing I said to her was 'Did you know that a woman has three holes between their legs?' She was fascinated."
Indeed, there is something fascinating about a guy over the age of 17 who still thinks that girls pee out of the sex hole. And by "fascinating" we mean "hilarious". And by "hilarious" we mean "embarrassing". And by "embarrassing" we mean "embarrassing".
more »
May 16, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Wonderjocks

If a
Denise Richards and Richie Sambora break up in the woods and no one is there to care, do they make a sound? (
TMZ)
Avril Lavigne, topless. He was a sk8tr b0i, I said see my taters, boy. (
Yeeeah!)
Mary Kate Olsen slips rib. (
Hollywood Tuna)
Justin Timberlake flew
Jessica Biel and her first-class ass to England for tea and beans on toast. No, for canoodling. Canoodling. (
Drunken Stepfather)
Ewan MacGregor wears junk-enhancing briefs. Are they 18 hour? Do they lift and separate? (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
Teri Hatcher has leopard-spotted pubic hair! Or underwear, whatever. (
Taxi Driver)
Is
Vanessa Minnillo humping Nick Lachey's butt in the pool? Because it really looks like Vanessa Minnillo is humping Nick Lachey's butt in the pool. (
Derek Hail)
Britney Spears hates her mom and did not call her or visit her on Mother's Day, when said mom was in the hospital with pneumonia. Then she tear-gassed an orphanage and crapped on a veteran's memorial. (
Glosslip)
David Faustino got busted for weed possession for the most convenient headline ever. (
Celebitchy)
May 10, 2007
Cameron Diaz Is Popular, Likes Sex Shows

Yesterday morning,
Cameron Diaz appeared on the Today Show looking a little beat. As it turns out, she had been up all night musing over the world's jealousy of her popularity and getting slimed. At a sex show. Make of that what you like.
more »
April 26, 2007
Justin Timberlake: Look, But Don't Touch. Well, Touching is Okay, Too. Just Don't Grab.
Justin Timberlake's European tour is kicking off now, and according to our gossip sensei,
Female First, front-rowers must agree to follow a strict list of rules when it comes to fan-to-Timbo contact:
Justin Timberlake's fans have been told they can "touch" but not "grab" the singer.
The singer's security team reportedly laid down the strict instructions to people in the front row of his 'FutureSex/LoveSounds' tour.
A source said: "They were quite specific about what was and what was not allowed. We've never known anything like it. It was hysterical."
We wonder if
Cameron Diaz had a similar contract she had to peruse before engaging in sexual contact with the singer. "Mr. Timberlake's buttocks may be stroked or caressed, but not squeezed. The testicles may be toggled, twiddled, or tapped, but no more and no less than 17 quick staccato taps in succession may be executed. Mr. Timberlake's member shall be pistoned, tickled, frigged, and brushed, but never patted, grazed, clutched, or wagged."
March 07, 2007
Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Biel Unite!

Despite being former hump-muppets of master hottie-diddler Justin Timberlake,
Jessica Biel and
Scarlett Johansson have put their differences aside to become BFFs, enjoying an afternoon of lunch and shopping on Monday. It's a good thing they did so in Paris, as the French are not an easily impressed people. Were JoBielsson to stroll down the street on our shores, the fully ripened combination of the world's most pneumatic breasts and the planet's most globose rear would cause mass priapism not seen since
Tom Sizemore in his
drug days.
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February 06, 2007
Justin's Bringing ScarJo Back

Yesterday we spun a yarn involving
Tom Cruise standing behind
Katie Holmes and attempting to mimic
genital-to-ass contact with gyrating motions, while
Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony expressed their love via song nearby. Then we even showed you video proof. But today we awoke feeling guilty. Was such a story really necessary? How many otherwise delicious and wholesome lunchtime meals did we ruin with our brazen implication that Tom would just
love to slip his wiener into any available Katie opening? Well, today we're going to rectify yesterday's wrong by telling you a much more palatable tale of celeb-on-celeb grinding involving
Scarlett Johansson and
Justin Timberlake.
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January 26, 2007
Jessica Biel Gets Justified

Now that
Jessica Biel has extricated the milky, succulent globules of her sitter from the diabolical Yankeean clutches of
Derek Jeter, she's fallen into the arms of none other than
Timberlake. Perhaps she is a muse sent to earth, Olivia Newton-John in
Xanadu style, to inspire Justin to pen a song about enormous asses. Oh, wait.
SexyBack.
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