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filed under: Jude Law

May 20, 2008

Jude Law Searches for Lost Career Inside Kimbo Stewart's Mouth
jude law kimberly stewart make out.jpg We're getting a little bit sick of talking about the same ten people over and over again, so today we're going to take a trip in the Wayback Machine. We think we'll set it for 2005 and see what kind of mischief we can cause. Perhaps if we're lucky we'll be able to pair off two celebs from the past for our own wacky amusement. But we'll have to be careful not to accidentally set the machine for 1985; we wouldn't want to have to write about the hot new coupling of Mare Winningham and Judge Reinhold.

But thankfully our navigational instincts are spot on, as we've discovered the pairing of Jude Law and Kimbo Stewart. Our gossip Peabody, FemaleFirst, reports:
Jude Law has been spotted passionately kissing Kimberly Stewart.

The 'Alfie' actor spent Saturday night (17.05.08) with Rod Stewart's daughter at the One9Five Bar and Nightclub in Essex, South-east England.

One clubber said: "As I walked into the VIP area with my friends I spotted Kimberly getting really passionate with a good-looking guy. She comes in a lot because her dad Rod lives nearby.

"But when she finally pulled away, I could see it was actually Jude Law."

Jude, 35, and Kimberly, 28, arrived at Bar One9Five at around midnight, and began drinking £170 bottles of pink champagne.

One onlooker said: "It caused quite a stir when they walked in. They could barely keep their hands off each other."

After tiring of the bar, the couple went to the nearby One9Five Nightclub.

They drank two more bottles of champagne, and continued to canoodle, but tried their best not to be pictured together. A source said: "I tried to take some pictures of them, as I couldn't believe they were together. However, later in the night, one of his bodyguards came over and took the camera off me and passed it to Jude who deleted most of the snaps."
"Source" may have been shot down, but The Sun managed to snap a few shots, including one with Kimbo heartily grabbing Jude's (sadly understuffed) crotch. Perhaps Kimbo's rep (because you know she has one, despite the apparent absence of a career) will release a statement claiming that Kim was just conducting a bit of personal research. Because growing up with a daddy named Rod makes you abnormally fixate on other men's rods.
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September 05, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Floatation Devices
pamela_anderson_bikini_sept_5_big.jpg• Pam Anderson as you've never seen her before: half naked and covered in frothy white liquid. No, wait, you've seen her like that plenty of times. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Gwen Stefani is all "I call a foul! Hand-checking!" and then blows her whistle. (Yeeeah!)

• Maggie Gyllenhaal is part Stevie Nicks, part Vampira, part Norma Desmond in the new ads for Agent Provocateur. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Nicole Kidman cops to miscarriage and secret engagement. She should also cop to having red pubes. Admit it! Tell us the truth! (Allie Is Wired)

• Jude Law was arrested for assaulting a photographer. Oh, come on. Jude Law? He probably just gave the man a feeble, limp-wristed slap and then adjusted his foppish ascot. (The Blemish)

• Matt Dillon keeps unibrow; shaves down nose. (Cityrag)

• What's that up Paris Hilton's skirt? Is it a prize? Do we win a prize? Is it bigger than a breadbox? (Drunken Stepfather)

• And Maria Sharapova is like, "Upskirt? I'll show YOU upskirt. Fools." (Taxi Driver)

• Spiderman takes a bride. (Celebitchy)

• Jerry Lewis talks about a bundle of sticks. That's what he's talking about, right? (GlossLip)

• Hate your ears? Then check out these new Britney Spears "songs"! (Derek Hail)

• Drew Barrymore makes out with the Macintosh Man. Man, that's like Cameron Diaz necking with a Geico caveman. Or Penelope Cruz hitting the sheets with the "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell" guy. (Yes, we realize that Justin Long has done other crap besides these commercials, so cool out, man) (ONTD)

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May 07, 2007

Lindsay Lohan Finally Achieves Goal of Becoming Kate Moss
lindsay lohan looks stoned.jpg Shocker! Of! The! Century! Lindsay Lohan does coke. Oh, and she humps lots of boys too. We may never recover from our shattered illusions. When we're ninety and sipping a creamed corn and mashed potato smoothie on the lanai in our nursing home, we will utter our first words in sixty years: "Can't believe . . . Lindsay does coke." Then we will fall off our rattan chair, never to wake, never having recovered from the great shock of May 2007. more »
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March 13, 2007

Lohan: Above (and Below) the Law
lindsayblondeagain.jpgShoe-beating, rail-blowing celebrity paw Michael Lohan is packing up his Christian political cartoons and getting out of the big house today. After Lindsay points a finger at him and says, "You, all right! I learned it by watching you," Michael might have to issue a beatdown on fey, poncey little dandy Jude Law, who is rumored to be his daughter's newest swain: Says Page Six:
"[Lindsay] called Jude at 1 in the morning," said our spy, "and met him at The Box." The next night, Lohan hit Cipriani Downtown for dinner, stopped by Beatrice Inn, and met up later with Jude at The Box again - this time joined by Law's pals Sean Penn and Tim Robbins. "They are adoring one another's company," said one sly observer, who could not confirm or deny any "dating."
Yeah, they met at the Box, all right. This Box. Hi-yoooo! more »
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November 13, 2006

Sienna Miller Officially Free to Explore Non-Monogamy
You may not have known that Sienna Miller and Jude Law have actually been together (TOGETHER together) for the past few months. But now, they are over for good. Finito. Officially. No, for real this time. Serious! No, don't roll your eyes at--oooh, you're asking for it, mister. more »
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March 08, 2006

Jess and Jude Sittin' in a Tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G
We've mostly ignored the rumors that Jessica Simpson was porking Jude Law, 'cause, enh, why not? They both seem to have a goal of sharing bodily fluids with at least 76% of the world's population (they'll both skip over the really ugly ones). But now that Jude has proven his chops as an adolescent poet, we're in. more »
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January 24, 2006

Sienna Miller Upgrades To Darth Vader
So you're Sienna Miller and you're desperately trying to make yourself into the next Julia Roberts or some such. You land a sweet part as a crazy naked girl in a movie opposite People Sexiest Man Alive and manage to get him to profess his everlasting love to you. Then he fucks his nanny and everyone magically knows your name. You've discovered the joy of media attention. You make up and break up every other week just to keep your name on the tips of everyone's tongues. But then you realize that the public isn't so interested in your man candy now that he's not in every fifth movie at their megaplex (and now that they've seen his wee little pee-pee) and you take a look around you. Who's that man costarring in your latest project? And is he about to have a good year? It sure looks like it, Sienna Miller. more »
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November 23, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: Paris's Stocking Not Big Enough for a Bentley
• Paris Hilton believed in Santa Claus until she was seventeen years old. Oh, how the tears must have flowed when she found out that it was actually her parents enjoying the milk and cookies and VD she'd been leaving out for Kris Kringle all those years.

• In addition to being a pedophile with a candy-striped dingdongulus, Michael Jackson is an anti-Semitic a-hole. Way to endear yourself to a sizeable chunk of your fan base. And the majority of the recording industry.

• Cindy Crawford says, "Listen, bitches. I've been at this whole 'posing wet and half naked with my mouth seductively parted' racket for over fifteen years now. Step aside, and let me show you galumphing elephants how it's done. Amateur hour is over, whores."

• Tommy Lee is such a damn cigarette fiend that he considered hiring a private jet to fly him to Jack Osbourne's birthday party, so he could smoke on the plane. Also, he hates airport security because his wallet chain sets off alarms. Poor Tommy, seemingly unaware that a wallet is not a part of the body, and a wallet chain is not an unremoveable piercing.

• Christina Aguilera dons the best in 1987 wedding gear. Mazel tov to the newlyweds!

• Charlize Theron in a bikini, just because.

• They're on! They're off! They're on again! They're fucking the nanny! Fucking Bond! Fighting! Crying! Breaking up! Together again! Listen, Jude and Sienna. Pick something and stick with it. Either get married, or set each other on fire. Just shit or get off the pot, please.

• Little Sean Preston Federspears makes his official pictorial debut in People magazine. He's got his father's looks. Hopefully he has his mother's brain. Er, maybe we mean father's brain. No, not that either. Shit, that kid is screwed.

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October 10, 2005

Jude and Sienna: A Relationship Built on Trust Boinking Anything that Moves
Usually when we dump our fiancé because he’s been caught cheating with the nanny, we don’t go cheating on him after we’ve gotten back together, but that’s just us. And as you may have noticed, Sienna Miller is not us. more »
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September 20, 2005

Kate Moss Has Better Taste in Sexual Partners than We Thought
Kate Moss is so the new Courtney Love. And we couldn’t be happier. In fact, Kate is better than Courtney because she’s hot and likes having sex with other hot people (Pete Doherty aside). She even likes coke-fueled lesbian orgies. We’re just going to have to stop for a minute and slowly ponder those last words . . . coke-fueled lesbian orgies. Mmmmmmm. more »
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September 16, 2005

CNW Junk Drawa: Nipples and Wangs and Fake Legs, Oh My
• In case Paris Hilton's nipples weren't enough for you the first one thousand and eight times, here's more.

• No, no one is shocked by Kate Moss's boogar sugar use, but still, repercussions. Don't fire Kate, fancy fashion people! Don't force little Lila Grace to wear last season's Burberry!

• Looks like Jude and Sienna may be back on. CoughBABYcough.

• Debra Messing consults her nip-oracle for post-Will and Grace career advice.

• Ewan McGregor gets his dong sucked.

• Jennifer Lopez is a barbarian. She will skin an animal with her bare hands, slap its bloodied hide on her back, and then beat you with your own prosthetic leg. This story made us laugh, because we are dark and cold and bad inside.

• And because we were too lazy to post it yesterday, here it is: Prez Bush forges a bathroom pass.
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September 14, 2005

Katrina's Wrath Spares Sienna Miller's Womb?
All's been fairly quiet on the Sienna-Jude front. No talk of Jude going spelunking in nannycaves, and only vague whisperings of Sienna cooking up a genetically superior blonde Law-Miller hybrid. But yesterday, the pregnancy denials popped up anew, and today's news conveniently negates yesterday's empty-womb excuses. How terrifically convenient. more »
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August 19, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: Sizemore Schtups for All to See
• We've been warning you for weeks now, but the day is upon us: the ill-famed Tom Sizemore sex tape is now available for your online perusal. It's here, it's real. Live it, love it, own it.

• Are Sienna and Jude finito for good? Reportedly, she's told him to take his little kitty dick and shove it. Forever.

• Crepey, arthritic, doddering geezers take note: yes, you have a shot with Jessica Alba!

• Yesterday, we were told that Eminem was cancelling his tour due to Exhaustion. Which means "drugs" or "eating disorder". Today, the former is confirmed.

• The first time Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell had sex, it was an alarming experience. Alarming! Guffaw!

• Are you there, Miss Cleo? It's me, Jennifer Aniston.

• Listen, we know Coq Rock. Coq Rock was a friend of ours. Slipknot, you're no Coq Rock.

• For the aging celebrity pedophile who has everything: a detachable nose.

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August 18, 2005

Sienna, Jude, and the Long, Hard Short, Flaccid Road to Forgiveness
For the first time since Nannygate 2k5, Sienna Miller and Jude Law were spotted together, seemingly trying to patch up their relationship, proving that, for Sienna at least, size doesn't matter. more »
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August 17, 2005

Hey Jude/Don't Make It Bad/Take Your Small Wang/And Make It Bigger
Look, we've brought you enough areolas in our time together, right? Don't you think it's high time we show you a little Tinseltown ding-dong? more »
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August 03, 2005

Burnt Sienna Now Rosy with Pregnancy Glow?
Star magazine just can't seem to keep their noses out of celebrities' uteruses (uteri?). Seemingly unsatified to speculate on the state of Demi Moore's ripened womb, they've turned their hungry eyes and pens to Sienna Miller's womanly cavity and are reporting that the actress is six weeks gone with Jude Law's love child. NICE TIMING, KID. more »
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August 01, 2005

Serendipity for Scorned Sienna
Cheery news for a gloomy Monday: Sienna Miller has magically shined the turd that is her life and transformed it into gold! Her public humiliation at the hands of her nannyboinking ex-fiancé has made her a household name, and now she has to beat casting directors off with a length of PVC pipe. more »
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July 29, 2005

Kate and Orlando and Jude and Sienna and Ted and Alice
OK, so in case you aren't able to follow what's going on with this whole foursome of mega wicked pretty Brit celebs, we're going to break it down for you all nice and easy-like. Because we care. more »
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July 27, 2005

Sienna Sees Your Nanny and Raises You a Pair of Exes
After learning that her fiancé had been giving the nanny a special bonus with her paycheck, Sienna Miller is reportedly "devastated". But not too devastated to enjoy some face time with her exes! And by "face time" we mean "necking". And by "necking" we mean "making out". And by "making out" we mean . . . making out. more »
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July 19, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: Tony Soprano's Window Sleeps with the Fishes
• The plot thickens: Jude Law allegedly asked nanny Daisy Wright for a threesome. She turned him down, because she's "not that type of girl." She is, however, the type of girl who will have sex with her engaged movie-star employer. But you have to draw a line somewhere.

• Malcolm in the Marriage!

• Pamela Anderson to marry Tommy Lee a third time? Even Liz Taylor wasn't THAT stupid.

• Pam's also helping Courtney Love get into shape. BFF! After working out, the pair like to do each other's nails, have pillow fights, and call boys they like and hang up.

• Rob Thomas "can't remember the first two years of Matchbox Twenty" because he was so coked up. If only the rest of us were so lucky.

• Desperate Housewives creator vows to write "fantastic scenes" for Eva Longoria, hoping to help her nab some awards. We hope "fantastic scenes" means "naked scenes". And that "awards" means "naked awards".

• James Gandolfini angrily smashed his fist through glass on the Sopranos set. He then pulled out a gun and shot the glass, tied it to a couple of cinder blocks, and threw it in the East River.

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July 18, 2005

Ain't No Law Against Nailing the Nanny
In the grand tradition of such loveable limey cads as David Beckham and Hugh Grant, Jude Law has admittingly porked his nanny, causing wee Sienna Miller to promptly dump him. It's only a matter of time until Law appears on a popular American late-night talk show all sheepish and devastatingly handsome, shaking his golden forelock over his high, bronzed forehead while cheekily saying, "I was a bad, bad boy," We'll all sigh dreamily and promptly forgive him, Sienna included. Glorious! more »
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